Frustrated Husband

[chezjulie]

 

 

But if she finds out she has a terrible problem with dairy or if grains cause her to lay in bed groaning with stomach problems...why would he want to pressure her into eating them?

Wait, what? He's not trying to pressure her into eating things that she is intolerant to. The issue was that he thought she was doing this as an elimination diet and then adding back in, presumably, those food groups that did not cause problems during reintroduction. She decided because she likes eating this way that she didn't want to reintroduce anything.

[MrsStick]

I think the point is that she needs to be hyper-vigilant for reintroductions so she can make a laundry list of what everything makes her feel like (even small stuff that might be unrelated). Then she needs to tell her hubby about it and tell him that it is/is not worth it for her.

[Higgles]

Wait, what? He's not trying to pressure her into eating things that she is intolerant to. The issue was that he thought she was doing this as an elimination diet and then adding back in, presumably, those food groups that did not cause problems during reintroduction. She decided because she likes eating this way that she didn't want to reintroduce anything.

 

Chezjulie, Thank you for your insights I think you understand both sides of the story even though the hubs is unable to give his side. And you're right, he does all the cooking and he has been a great supporter of the W30 needs even though he doesn't love it. I do plan on doing the reintro because he does want me to figure out what's wrong.

 

MrsStick, I have been taking very detailed notes on my reactions (although I only reintroduced one thing). I want both of us to be keenly aware of any consequences that may occur, and Ithink he gets most of it, it was just a really big shock and most of that was my fault.

 

For now, we're not going to focus on the way forward until I finish the reintro.

 

Edited to take out my longwindedness and I forgot to finish a sentance

[pjena]

Thought I'd weigh in even though there's been a lot or responses already.    It's an interesting dilemma and one I've struggled with.

 

I think it's a good idea to do reintros so that you know how you react to different foods and you don't "waste" all of this good elimination work. 

 

I have some minor issues with some foods but nothing major or life altering to any one food.  It is good to know that.  If I'm eating away from home without good options, I know I can relax and not worry too much because I'll be fine.  I also know, however, that there seems to be a cumulative impact when I off road too often.  I choose to continue eating mostly this way because I feel calmer and more patient and happier when I'm not on the sugar roller-coaster.  And I found that I really don't care about grains, legumes, etc.  I mostly don't eat it because it isn't something I love, it doesn't benefit me and it steals space on my plate from better things.  I'd rather eat more kale.   I try to be balanced and calm about it, though.  We have a special cinnamon bread we get on the way to our cabin a couple times a year.  I will eat that because I want to and it's special.  If we're at a friend's house, I'll eat what's offered.  If I had a strong reaction to something, I'd obviously take that into account. 

 

I have a husband and 2 kids.  They don't eat this way.  However, my younger son has food allergies so we're all very used to eating similar but slightly different meals.  And nobody cares.  It used to be a source of anxiety for us.  My husband struggled to be ok with me eating differently from him.  He didn't want to give up his favorite foods.  Everybody felt the stress of trying to make sure my son could eat perfectly.  Food wasn't fun.  Luckily, my son's allergies are not life threatening and we've found a nice balance for everyone.  It took work and patience and practice, but I now know what to buy and cook and adjust to make everyone happy.  Like you said, we can have burgers and we put dairy cheese on husband's and 13yo's and non dairy cheese on 10yo's and I put my burger on a salad with no cheese.  Everyone is happy.  It took a while but my husband has come around and now doesn't think twice about it.

Hang in there.  Do your reintros and then find a balance that works for both of you.

Good luck!

[WholeMama623]

Just wanted to throw in there that my husband was been the same way. He refuses to do a whole30 and says they are "to hard!" and he just cannot give up his milk in his coffee, and beer. I think its ridiculous that he can't do it for 30 days but whatever, I don't force him to do anything. He gets very whiney when I start and when we are out and he wants to eat somewhere he gets very pissy because I can't. He often says "well, you are choosing to eat this way! It's so difficult!" but it is what it is. I'll tell him "Go ahead and eat. I don't care!" but he won't. I think because deep down he does feel bad about eating horrible food when I obviously have the will power to NOT eat bad food. I think it's a deep seeded problem in my husband. It might not be the case with you, but I totally know how it is to have a somewhat unsupportive husband.

 

Might not be popular opinion, but I say do what works FOR YOU. Do the reintro and if things bother you, tell your husband that you can't have them and move on. If he can still have the foods, I'm not sure what he's so upset about?

[Godsgirl]

Hi. I know what you mean:

 

I got in a big fight this morning  with my spouse about my even wanting to start the diet. My husband is very condescending and not supportive at all. (He's also bossy). I beat cancer in 2010 and I don't want it back. I also don't want heart disease.  We are both addicted to sugar. We both eat junk foods at times. He has no problem with his weight and loses weight easily. He does have a myriad of other health problems including IBS. I just asked him to look into it and find out more info about it and he went into a tirade. It's hard trying to eat healthier or make changes and even harder with no support and negativity from your spouse. I ended up reacting to some things he said and he stormed off. Now, he will expect ME to apologize. Last night, I was watching a documentary on Youtube about how harmful sugar is and how the average sugar consumption in North America leads to weight loss, heart disease, dementia and obesity. Do you know what he was doing? Happily cooking a lemon pie (it had Cool Whip in it with nasty chemicals) in the kitchen. Absolutely crazy/schizoid. 

 

My husband and I don't usually fight a lot. People fight about money, friends, family, intimacy, friends, plans, etc. but trying to eat healthier?!!! You would think sugar/food was a powerful drug. Maybe it is.....

[Carlaccini]

Sugar totally is very powerful - I know what happens to me on sugar, and I know how I feel off sugar.  

 

First point - make it clear to him that you don't expect him to follow this diet - you are making this choice.  All you can ask is that he does not eat anything triggering or sugary around you.

 

He's a big boy and can make his own food decisions.  If he chooses to eat what you eat - great!  If not he's responsible for making his own decisions. Do not force him to do things your way - this will not be good.  

 

Instead try to find a common ground - burgers for dinner?  Eat it without the bun, and partner then with some seasoned and spiced potato wedges, salad and some homemade mayo for dipping.  Pasta for dinner?  Make compliant meatballs, and sauce.  Make him in charge of making his pasta, and you are in charge of roasting some spaghetti squash.

 

Don't fight with him - instead try to find out his biggest concerns - listen to him and set his mind at ease.  Don't expect him to follow.  And don't force him to follow if he really doesn't want to.  And please?  Try not to judge him for his food choices.  Just lead by quiet example.  

[MeadowLily]

Hi. I know what you mean:

 

I got in a big fight this morning  with my spouse about my even wanting to start the diet. My husband is very condescending and not supportive at all. (He's also bossy). I beat cancer in 2010 and I don't want it back. I also don't want heart disease.  We are both addicted to sugar. We both eat junk foods at times. He has no problem with his weight and loses weight easily. He does have a myriad of other health problems including IBS. I just asked him to look into it and find out more info about it and he went into a tirade. It's hard trying to eat healthier or make changes and even harder with no support and negativity from your spouse. I ended up reacting to some things he said and he stormed off. Now, he will expect ME to apologize. Last night, I was watching a documentary on Youtube about how harmful sugar is and how the average sugar consumption in North America leads to weight loss, heart disease, dementia and obesity. Do you know what he was doing? Happily cooking a lemon pie (it had Cool Whip in it with nasty chemicals) in the kitchen. Absolutely crazy/schizoid. 

 

My husband and I don't usually fight a lot. People fight about money, friends, family, intimacy, friends, plans, etc. but trying to eat healthier?!!! You would think sugar/food was a powerful drug. Maybe it is.....

Do this for you.  You can share meals and just let your husband have the additional sides he wants. I wouldn't try to drag him along for the ride.   Melissa has written blog articles about doing this completely for ourselves.   Convincing someone against their will....they're of the same opinion still. 

 

I'm on my own.   I didn't even tell anyone what I was doing.  No one.   I only answer questions when someone asks me.   As a Whole 30 Alumni,  I share here.   

 

As you make changes, they are contagious.  They rub off on others.   The snarky comments cease and people respond to you in a different way when they see dramatic changes.  Seeing is believing. Start with yourself.   I don't preach to anyone in my family.   I'm allowed to tell others here what the Whole 30 can do for you.   

 

It is very easy to have a Whole 30 effort derailed by a comment from a loved one.  When we're really young, that can lead to decades.   Focus completely on you.   Go to the mirror and look yourself in the eyes.   Let your heart be your guide.   You want it.   He doesn't.   Seeing is believing.  

 

This takes WANT POWER more than will power.   Want it with every fiber of your being.  Your change will come. 

[EileenM]

I think that Tom hit on something a few posts back (someone may have said this already...I haven't read all the posts so forgive me if I'm repeating)  He mentioned 4 assumptions that may be leading to your husband's attitude.  

 

I have a similar issue in my home but my husband will usually eat what I make, whatever it is.  But when he cooks and I make a substitution, it seems like he thinks I am "judging" him and what he eats.  For example, last night he made a stir fry (very well, I might add) and he cooked boil-in-the-bag white rice.  I opted for brown rice, barley, and wild rice mixture that was frozen and just needed 3 minutes in the microwave.  I opted for it because it tastes better (not necessarily because it was healthier, although it is.)  His question...what's wrong with the rice I cooked?  My answer...I like this better.  And I do. 

 

I think that as grown ups we should be able to eat what we want!  If our partners have issues with that, it is their issue, not ours.  Sometimes it could be a power or control issue.  My husband thinks if he eats a healthy meal and then eats junk throughout the day (constantly) that he is eating healthy.  He thinks if he chooses a plain twinkie over a chocolate covered twinkie he is making a healthy food choice.  If I ate like that I would not only feel too horrible to function, but would most likely be on a pharmacy of medications like he is. I do feel a little judgemental, to be perfectly honest, but  like I said...we are grown ups and we can eat what we want!  

[ladyshanny]

I have a similar issue in my home but my husband will usually eat what I make, whatever it is.  But when he cooks and I make a substitution, it seems like he thinks I am "judging" him and what he eats.  For example, last night he made a stir fry (very well, I might add) and he cooked boil-in-the-bag white rice.  I opted for brown rice, barley, and wild rice mixture that was frozen and just needed 3 minutes in the microwave.  I opted for it because it tastes better (not necessarily because it was healthier, although it is.)  His question...what's wrong with the rice I cooked?  My answer...I like this better.  And I do. 

 

 

Hi Eileen, it's probably silly to ask this, but you are not on a Whole30 at the moment, right?  The barley/rice/wild rice mixture would not be a part of Whole30.  (just to be clear for anyone new coming across this thread)

[ultrarunnergirl]

For example, last night he made a stir fry (very well, I might add) and he cooked boil-in-the-bag white rice.  I opted for brown rice, barley, and wild rice mixture that was frozen and just needed 3 minutes in the microwave.  I opted for it because it tastes better (not necessarily because it was healthier, although it is.)

 

Eileen, if you haven't read It Starts With Food, I highly recommend it. Brown rice is not a better choice than white or wild rice.

 

Obviously, no rice or grains are ok on a Whole30. But if you choose to off-road after your Whole30, make your choices with good information. Here are a couple of good reads on why:

 

www.marksdailyapple.com/is-rice-unhealthy/

http://paleoleap.com/about-rice/

[thegoldengrahamgirl]

I'm going to be "queen of the multi-quotes" today.

Honestly, I think it's worth doing reintroductions. Going through that process is absolutely necessary to determining how to move forward for the long haul.

 

It seems to me that you're still in the all-or-nothing diet mentality, and I can understand your husband's fears and impatience. I can also understand yours.

 

The fact is, though, that it's a Whole30, not a Whole365. If you feel you need more time with W30, then keep it up, but don't expect to do it forever, and perhaps set a date to do reintroductions. Learn what your body can and cannot tolerate, what the effects are of certain less than optimal foods, and then decide when it's worth it for you to off road.

 

I love these reminders from LadyM - I have an all-or-nothing mentality when it comes to EVERYTHING; I've been working really hard to overcome this in the past few years.  I will need to remember that the reintroduction protocol is an important PART of the Whole30 experience and do it diligently.

 

LadyM, you're right, its not a Whole365, and its not meant to be...

Yup, I agree (as per above).  And Higgles, FWIW, my hubby sounds similar to yours.  I think he's a bit frustrated because I just spent 10 months doing IIFYM and now it's Whole30 (mind you, he is currently doing IIFYM and having good success with it; he started when I was about 8 months in and I think if he sees "success" with Whole30, plus all of the delicious foods I am eating, he might come around in a few months too. 

 

My wife does not eat Whole30-style. Never has and says she never will. I work from home and eat most meals at home. She eats a lot of take out food. I cook every day. When she eats with me, she eats less veggies than I do and adds bread, rice, yogurt, etc to meals that I cook. I wish she ate more veggies, but what we are doing works. 

I'm so glad to see advice from a seasoned veteran and "leader" in Whole30 that it CAN work.  I am currently preparing 2-3 different meals every night - one to meet my Whole30 requirements, one to meet my husband's IIFYM requirements and one for my son, although his is close to mine with a few things thrown in like grains.

 

couples who love each other and share a good life together eat the same foods

eating a range of foods is a mark of ----- (? I don't know: open-mindedness, sanity?) and it's what mature adults do

couples who are happy and loving share the same values around food and eating

Higgles eating differently from me means that she disapproves of what I eat

 

This is genius!  Points 1 and 3 really resonated with me because those are certainly my unspoken assumptions.  I can see that my mother feels the same way, too, based on descriptions of trying to get her boyfriend on board with her style of eating (she hasn't done Whole30 but she read "Wheat Belly" and she follows a sort of Paleo style of eating and tries to drag her boyfriend along with it, kicking and screaming).

He called me crazy when I undertook my first whole 30 - I think he was scared that I was going to expect him to give up his favourites.  I never ever requested it.  We just made compromises so we could share the same meal together.  He will very often add pasta, rice or bread to his dishes.  I never complained nor asked him to remove them.  If he ate a "trigger" food, like ice cream or chocolate, I would ask him not to eat them in front of me.

 

Carlaccini - thanks for sharing these tips on making it work when you are alone in the household doing a Whole30.  I think I and others benefit from this!

Just wanted to throw in there that my husband was been the same way. He refuses to do a whole30 and says they are "to hard!" and he just cannot give up his milk in his coffee, and beer. I think its ridiculous that he can't do it for 30 days but whatever, I don't force him to do anything. He gets very whiney when I start and when we are out and he wants to eat somewhere he gets very pissy because I can't. He often says "well, you are choosing to eat this way! It's so difficult!" but it is what it is. I'll tell him "Go ahead and eat. I don't care!" but he won't. I think because deep down he does feel bad about eating horrible food when I obviously have the will power to NOT eat bad food. I think it's a deep seeded problem in my husband. It might not be the case with you, but I totally know how it is to have a somewhat unsupportive husband.

 

Might not be popular opinion, but I say do what works FOR YOU. Do the reintro and if things bother you, tell your husband that you can't have them and move on. If he can still have the foods, I'm not sure what he's so upset about?

Glad I'm not the only one!  My husband has gotten very upset about MY food choices, even when I haven't said a word about his. For example, if we go to the movies and I opt to skip the popcorn.  At least he knows that popcorn has ALWAYS given me stomach troubles; I just previously often chose to accept the consequences.  He seems to feel that I am very judgmental of his food choices (and subconciously I probably am) but as comes further in this thread, we're all mature adults and we can all choose what to eat without getting hung up on what others think of it.

 

I have a similar issue in my home but my husband will usually eat what I make, whatever it is.  But when he cooks and I make a substitution, it seems like he thinks I am "judging" him and what he eats.  

 

I think that as grown ups we should be able to eat what we want!  If our partners have issues with that, it is their issue, not ours.... I do feel a little judgemental, to be perfectly honest, but  like I said...we are grown ups and we can eat what we want!  

 Yes, yes, yes Eileen!

 

So much good stuff.  I'll have to remember to re-visit this thread in the event I choose to turn down a less-than-stellar food choice (especially if it happens during our upcoming European vacation).  And I can also remember that it's NOT a Whole365, in the event I *DO* opt for a less-than-stellar food choice during our upcoming European vacation.  Sometimes those consequences really are worth it (especially if you find out that the consequences actually aren't all that bad for you for certain foods).

 

Cheers,

 

-Lauren (GGG)