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Leaving town for funeral, hotel stay, family challenges


Saree_maree

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I am leaving on a last minute trip for my grandmother's funeral and will be gone for two nights.

 

My family is very food-centered and there will also be lots of drinking. I am almost done with my Whole30. This will take place on days 26 through 28. I will get lots of unwelcome questions and feelings will be hurt if I refuse to partake in family meals especially since this is a sensitive time and emotions will run high anyway. My family is very sensitive to me not eating based on my past history. Basically I am very nervous about this. I also am feeling very guilty about even thinking about food when I feel like I should just be focused on my family.

 

I assume the hotel breakfast will at least have fruit and eggs. I'm not renting a car or anything so won't have access to a grocery store. I was thinking about bringing some compliant bars even though I have not had a single bar this entire time and I've been proud of that fact.

 

I just don't know what to do. Suggestions appreciated.

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First off, my condolences on your grandmother's passing.

Next, step back a bit and decide what is going to best nourish you at this time, food and otherwise.  I encourage you to reframe your feelings about feeding yourself nutrient dense food: work on dropping any guilt and "shoulds" around that. When you treat your body and health in the best way that you can, that allows you to be your best self to others. 
 

You have options, including:

- Deciding to make this round a Whole25 and off-road as little as possible while you're away so you don't get sick
- Committing to finishing strong on the Whole30 - is there a way you can get compliant meals so you don't have to refuse eating with your family and resort to bars?

 

Realize that grief is a complicated emotion - everyone processes it differently. Honor how it shows up for you, and treat yourself with the utmost compassion and care at this time. 

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This is not your first Whole 30, correct? Are you planning to do a very careful and systematic re-intro for reactions this time around?

If not, honestly, I would relax about food & focus on family & stress reduction. Hard to enjoy yourself at a funeral, but people only die once and the whole family doesn't get together often.

Obviously none of us are in your shoes, so good luck deciding. I am sorry for your loss.

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This is my first Whole30. I have tried in the past but never made it past day 14 before. I am really feeling Tiger Blood at this point and indeed was hoping to finish strong and do careful reintroductions (after off-roading with some alcohol and minimal added sugars in restaurant meals on my birthday which is next weekend).

 

I will be able to have a proper template Meal 1 and 2 tomorrow before I leave. I am looking at dinner Sunday night, all three meals Monday, and breakfast and probably lunch on Tuesday. I think I will probably be able to stay compliant while gone but will be unlikely to meet the template. I am probably overestimating the amount of attention that will be paid to what I am or am not eating - as one tends to do. And if turns out that I cannot, I will minimize the non-compliant items, go back to Whole30 eating on my return, off-road for my birthday, and then just eat Whole30 until I feel as good as I do today. Then do my reintroductions.

 

It's not perfect. But life happens. Thank you ladies for your kinds words. I was prepared for her loss but she was my last living grandparent and it still hurts.

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 I think I will probably be able to stay compliant while gone but will be unlikely to meet the template.

If you're able to do that, then you will have met the Whole30 rules. Remember, the template is a recommendation, not a rule.

And if you're not able to stay compliant, it sounds like you have a terrific back-up plan.

I deeply empathize. Whether you are prepared or not, it's not easy losing a loved one.  Take good care.

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I am sorry about your grandmother. I lost both of my parents this summer, so have lots of fresh experience with family and funerals. Honestly, I enjoyed eating a family meal that my sister's in-laws prepared before we went to the funeral home on both occasions. It included chicken and dumplings and bread pudding. I have not eaten such food in years. I would encourage you to take a break from the Whole30 and just be at the funeral and with your family. You can pick the Whole30 up later. 

 

My siblings and I ate several meals together at a restaurant, so they got to see me eat roughly Whole30-style over and over again. I didn't worry about off-plan ingredients, but I ordered meat and veggies every time. I would get several ordinary veggie servings and added a big extra bowl of collard greens to reach the volume I wanted. My chubby brother asked for a copy of It Starts With Food after I told him my story. 

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I am literally breathing a huge sigh of relief right now. My family is so dispersed and gets together so rarely, I do not want fears of compliance vs non-compliance to overshadow this opportunity to just be with them and honor a wonderful woman's life and memory. I will do my best, focus on meats and vegetables, avoid the obvious no-nos, and not make a big deal out of anything. I have my whole life to complete a perfect Whole30, whatever that even means. 25 and 2/3 days is pretty damn good.

 

I have my back-up plan in place. Eyes still on the prize. Thanks again everybody for the kindness and wisdom of your responses.

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So sorry for your loss, Saree_maree.  I think you're on the right track.  The only good thing about someone dying is the opportunity it gives those who are still living.  The opportunity to connect, to console, to touch, whatever.  So I think you're right to focus on the people and the connections.  If you ask for a glass of seltzer or water when everyone else is drinking alcohol, so be it.  If you raise a glass of whatever to your grandmother's memory, then so be that, too!  But in both cases, focus on the connection to people rather than the connection to food. 

 

Tom, you've made me hungry for an enormous bowl of greens with a hot dressing like my mom used to make sometimes.  She stopped when she decided that some part of it wasn't good for us... but oh man, it tasted great.

 

ThyPeace, mom grew up in the south but learned to cook from my German great-grandmother in Wisconsin.  It makes for interesting combinations sometimes.  Cornbread and greens one night, pot roast and potatoes another...

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I just wanted to report back that I am home from the trip. I stayed 100% compliant although I definitely strayed pretty far from the template on Monday afternoon. While everybody was eating cakes, cookies, pie, chocolates, and drinking wine, beer, and bourbon, in order to feel like I was participating and to keep people from asking me why I wasn't eating or drinking anything I ate a lot (A LOT A LOT) of the only compliant thing around: fruit salad. And drank gallons of seltzer and black coffee.

 

I had a wonderful time reconnecting with my family and honoring my beautiful grandmother. So many people were there to pay their respects, it was truly inspiring and emotionally a bit overwhelming.

 

So, despite my bloated fruit belly, I call it a win. 27.5 days down, 2.5 to go.

 

Saree

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I'm so sorry for your loss, and oh how I empathize! I started my second W30 at the beginning of September, made it one week, and then my father died unexpectedly. There was never a question of trying to stay compliant through that time (friends were supplying us with food and I was just trying to keep my head above water) but I did initially feel a sense of guilt/failure for only "lasting a week." Now, a couple of weeks later, I can see that I made the right decision for me at that time. I'm now on Day 4 of my restart and am in a much better place (although obviously grief is a bear).

 

If anyone finds this in the future, make the best decision you can for both your own emotional and physical health - and realize that that decision may be different for someone else. Be kind to yourself in tough spot.

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  • 9 months later...

I know this is quite after the fact, but I am so happy to see this thread posted. I just got home yesterday from my grandfather's funeral, and spent the week prior to the services at my grandparent's house with my husband, and anywhere between 3 and 20 other family members. It was stressful, sad, horribly unexpected, and yet - as someone above has mentioned - really special to get to spend that time with my family.

 

I was in the midst of my second Whole30, on day 6 when we arrived to my grandparent's house, on day 7 when he passed, on days 12 and 13 for the wake and funeral, and now am on day 15. I stayed compliant throughout, although I strayed far far far from the template. Lots of stress eating (fruits, nuts, etc). and not nearly enough vegetables with breakfast, or enough of the three-meals-a-day template.

 

Part of me feels like this is a win, because I know that even just the need to stick to compliant foods kept me away from the loads of non-compliant food we had (baklava, cookies, pasta, hummus, pita bread, grape leaves, kibbe, lebneh, etc.) and forced me to at least try to find other ways to cope with the emotions. I am SO grateful to have had that structure. In fact, I decided to do this 2nd round expressly because I had such a hard time dealing with the stress of my grandfather's illness when I spent a week caring for him in May. Everything I had gained from W30 round 1 went out the window during that time, so I got myself right back into it.

 

And then part of me still feels like I could have done better in terms of staying away from the quantities of almonds and watermelon, the stress eating, or the picking at leftovers with my cousins (even if I only ate the ones that were compliant).

 

I suppose I did as well as I could have, given the circumstances, and am now back home in familiar territory, back to a template Whole30, which I will stick with (I hope!) far past the 30 days. I want to reach that elusive Tiger Blood, and then reintroduce some of the foods that I didn't ever properly reintroduce on my first round.

 

Anyway, I don't really have any questions for the board, just wanted to express my gratitude for this forum and the Whole30 platform for keeping me from diving head first into plates full of flour and sugar during this really difficult and stressful time.

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