Saree_maree Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 Thank you ThyPeace. What kind words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saree_maree Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 These last two days at work were much easier, in terms of urges to snack. On Tuesday a coworker bought ice cream for everybody in the unit, and today a patient's family member ordered us pizza. I was able to turn down both with no difficulty. I took a late admission today who went south right at shift change, and I ended up having to stay about an hour late. That means I was at the hospital for almost fifteen hours, and I was fine with just two meals - really hungry by the time I got home but not really having any cravings or urges to binge. The only thing I really, really wanted was a glass of wine to help me unwind a little, but I didn't even really consider having one. Starting tomorrow I have five days off. By the end of that, I will be over halfway finished with this Whole30. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saree_maree Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 I had my follow-up with my orthopedist today. They took some plain films, and he said the bone is healed - but he also said that based on my history and the results of my bone density scan, he recommends that I not return to running. Like, ever. I am very angry and sad. And 99.9% sure that I'm not going to take that recommendation. Nothing else gives me the peace and joy that running does. Plus, I'm good at it, and I love the thrill of competition and winning a race. Now I'm going to go drown my sorrows in a bowl of roasted cauliflower. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThyPeace Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 I'm late to the party, but why would you have to give up running? I'm guessing you had a stress fracture? I don't know how old you are, but I do know that bone density can increase long after the doctors will tell you it can't. I know that because I was diagnosed with severe osteopenia at the age of 28. I have a condition called Premature Ovarian Failure which, among all its really annoying features, causes early destruction of bone mass. At the time, I was an intense swimmer and did little to no weight-bearing exercise, as well. So I switched to weight-bearing exercise and started taking calcium. I now know that Vitamin D would have been a big help. Twenty years later, my bone density is normal, albeit slightly below average. So -- it may take time and dedication, but you CAN rebuild bone mass. You may have to change how you work out, but don't give up! ThyPeace, didn't run. Lifted weights and did aerobics. Now I'm trying to run and it is harder on my body than aerobics and weights were, but more fun too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saree_maree Posted January 15, 2016 Author Share Posted January 15, 2016 Yes, a tibial stress fracture. Not my first adult fracture, either, but the first one that I attribute to running. I had full-blown osteoporosis when I was in my early twenties, but I recovered some of that lost mass in the last ten years or so. Now I'm 33 and my T-scores are in the osteopenic range. Your story is very encouraging! I only recently (the last two months or so) started supplementing with calcium and vitamin D3. I'm thinking of adding a vitamin K2 supplement as well. My orthopedist things I need a biphosphonate, but I would rather not - I took risedronate for a couple of years when I had osteoporosis and it's unpleasant. Plus it doesn't build new bone, it only slows bone breakdown. There's a new drug now that wasn't available back then, called Forteo, which is basically parathyroid hormone. It does build new bone, but it's a daily injection, and it I doubt my insurance would cover it since I don't have full-blown osteoporosis anymore. Anyway. Lack of weight-bearing exercise is not my problem - I get that in spades. It's nutritional, and the fact that I didn't get my period for many years, and still go have intervals where my weight is too low to get it regularly. I can't undo that, but I can make better decisions and take better care of myself going forward. That's why I'm here! I had a pretty bad night last night. I didn't eat anything noncompliant, and I didn't purge, but I was on the verge of a binge. First of all I was quite upset about my conversation with my orthopedist, and secondly, I didn't have anything planned for dinner. I ended up eating too much food and nothing that resembled a template meal - two big bowls of roasted cauliflower, some grapes, and a bowl of plain baked squash. Then I felt really full and uncomfortable - that feeling in and of itself is a huge trigger to me. My knee-jerk response is, well, now I have to purge, so I might as well eat more first. But I didn't do that. I just went to bed with a too-full belly and paid the price for my poor decisions. I guess that is some kind of victory, but I really wish I hadn't eaten that way. I have to be sure to plan every meal in advance from now on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jmcbn Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear this saree - I know how important running was to you...Try not to be too hard on yourself - take time to digest the news, and then think about where you can go from here. My mum always tells me that these things happen for a reason, and I'm not sure what that might mean for you right now, but somewhere in the future something better must be coming. Be proud for fighting that knee jerk reaction - that is progress - and progress is something you should be proud of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saree_maree Posted January 17, 2016 Author Share Posted January 17, 2016 Today is day 15, and I FINALLY woke up with a completely flat tummy! Hooray! I also was able to go out to dinner last night (this was my first dining out experience on this Whole30) with no problems. We went to a restaurant where I knew I could order a compliant dinner. I had sparkling water with lime instead of wine, and even when the server brought the (AMAZING, DELICIOUS) house-made rosemary flatbread with olive oil for dipping, I wasn't even tempted. We ate early and were finished by 6:30. Then we watched a movie at home, and by the end of it (so, 10-ish), I was feeling a little hungry. But I had already brushed my teeth, and didn't want to eat so close to bedtime, so I just had a big glass of water and went to sleep. Little victories Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saree_maree Posted January 17, 2016 Author Share Posted January 17, 2016 Holy smokes I just made an amazing dinner. Roasted chicken leg quarters, roasted green beans, and an off-the-cuff rutabaga dish: steamed and mashed with coconut oil, coconut milk, salt, pepper, and freshly grated nutmeg. So delicious! And plenty of leftovers. I'm really enjoying cooking this time around. My first Whole30, I ate mostly raw vegetables, very simply cooked meats, hard-boiled eggs, and canned fish (sardines, for the most part). That worked well for me at that time, but I guess I'm ready to get back in the kitchen! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThyPeace Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 So, I don't know much about eating disorders. Actually, I know nothing. So please take that into account when I post stuff. I would say, though, that you sound like you're forgiving yourself more for being imperfect than you once did, though the paths are still available so you have to think carefully. I would also say that if you can keep your weight in a healthy range and keep your weight-bearing exercise at moderate levels, you'll probably continue to build body mass. It's not a really fast thing -- I saw changes in the range of every 5 years, not every year. But it does keep going when you get the hormones, minerals, and vitamins in good ranges. I suspect that also means getting enough fat in your diet to get your body able to process the vitamins. So... I don't have much useful to say that you don't already know, except that the leg quarters, green beans, and rutabaga sound amazing! And good for you in all the right ways. I don't know what the goal of a completely flat tummy has to do with health, but I do know that feeding the body's factories for healthy stuff like bones can take a whole lot of good nutrition. I think you're on the right track with these meals. ThyPeace, has to really work to keep Vitamin D levels in the right places. Whole30 seems to help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saree_maree Posted January 18, 2016 Author Share Posted January 18, 2016 I don't know what the goal of a completely flat tummy has to do with health Hahaha me neither. Nothing, obviously! Sheer vanity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saree_maree Posted January 20, 2016 Author Share Posted January 20, 2016 Day 17. One of the surgeons (a known psychopath) screamed at me this morning for something I had absolutely nothing to do with, which was a little rough, but other than that my day went well. Still struggled with snack urges in the mid to late afternoon, but less intense. Yesterday I had my first continuous run since the stress fracture - 30 minutes, about 3.5 miles. I felt great, like I didn't lose any fitness in the six weeks I took off running - all the cross-training definitely paid off - and I didn't have any pain during the run. I ran easy and it was the same as my easy pace before the injury, about 8:30/mile. But starting a little while afterwards, and continuing through today, I've had some intermittent soreness. Not nearly the same intensity as when the fracture was new, but definitely enough to heighten my awareness of that area. I did a little research and from what I can tell, residual soreness and discomfort are expected for up to several months after bone healing as the bone continues to remodel, and it shouldn't be taken as a sign to stop training. But I'm definitely obsessively worrying about it - should I keep running? Take a few more weeks off? I've been following a return to running schedule my coach recommended and building up slowly from walk/run intervals, but maybe I started too early or am being too aggressive?? And I feel like I can't even call my ortho to ask, because he told me not to run at all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saree_maree Posted January 20, 2016 Author Share Posted January 20, 2016 I did another thirty minute run this morning. I had some minor discomfort for the first half mile or so but it went away after that. This time I tried to stay on the grass as much as possible and kept the pace a little slower, closer to 9:00/mile than 8:30. I iced the leg immediately after for twenty minutes even though it wasn't hurting. So far, so good - still no pain or soreness. I'm hopeful that this means that what I was feeling yesterday was just residual pain and not indicative of new or further injury. I'll keep evaluating. I have a follow-up with my primary today regarding a bunch of lab work I had done about six weeks ago when I first told her I was struggling badly with my eating disorder again. I've already seen the results, and they were by and large completely normal, although it looks like my thyroid may be slightly overactive, and my progesterone and estradiol were a little on the low side. Curious to see what she has to say about that. One test that she ordered that I haven't seen the results of yet was some genetic testing for drug metabolism and the MTHFR mutation. So that will be interesting to hear about too. I'm also excited to tell her how much better I've been doing for the past three weeks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saree_maree Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 Day 21. Super busy all day at work, no time to think about snacking! My appointment yesterday was kind of a bust. My physician is - trying to think of a nice way to put this - a little disorganized. Ok, she's a ditz! She just jumped from one subject to the next without actually offering any insight into anything. Basically she said she wasn't going to treat anything herself and I should go see an endocrinologist. She didn't even mention the results of my genetic testing, but I asked for a copy to take home and looked over it myself. I'm not quite sure how to interpret it though - definitely not the kind of lab results I'm used to looking at on a daily basis. So if anyone reading this knows what this means, by all means please enlighten me: "MTHFR C677T genotype C/T; A1298C genotype A/C. MTHFR genotype (one copy of the C677T mutation and one copy of the A1298C mutation) is associated with low enzyme activity." No leg pain today after yesterday's run. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saree_maree Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 Oops! Yesterday was day 19 of my whole30 - but still 21 days without binging and purging, which is really more important to me at this point. I've been thinking about whether or not I should do reintroductions again when I'm finished. I did them pretty strictly last time, except I didn't purposefully do a gluten reintro - instead I just dived face first into a barrel of gluten+sugar without any proper planning a couple months later. And going by that experience I can definitely state quite confidently that gluten is NOT my friend! So I already have a pretty good handle on my food intolerances, which are actually fairly minor physically speaking, but (in the case of sugar and gluten, anyway) devastating psychologically. The only things I really miss are wine and cream/stevia in my coffee. I don't miss oatmeal or rice or beans, but I will probably include them occasionally after I'm finished just for some carbohydrate variety. Another 3.5 mile run again today with no pain. Some minor discomfort this afternoon but nothing very bothersome. Feels great to be back to it, but I'm anxious to rebuild my mileage back to where it was and really resenting the idea that I need to do that very slowly. In the meantime I'm still making up the difference with cycling and swimming (weather permitting - it's actually been cold here for the past week!). Anything that gets my heart rate nice and high makes me feel good, but for whatever reason nothing kills stress and anxiety like a run. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saree_maree Posted January 24, 2016 Author Share Posted January 24, 2016 Another very very busy day at work. I started out with just one patient, and honestly he would have kept me plenty busy enough, but another nurse got pulled to one of the other ICUs mid-morning and I took over care of one of her patients too - and HE would have been enough as a solo assignment too! But anyway. I got through it. Really not looking forward to going back tomorrow, though. Hopefully they'll both be a little more stable twelve hours from now. Oh - make that ten. I prefer to space my days out because it is so hard to rush home, shower, change, eat, pack lunch for the next day, and get into bed, all in just a couple of hours (if I want to stand any chance of being well-rested for the next day). No real time to unwind. But I'm required to work every other weekend, so sometimes there's no escaping back to back shifts. Oh well, I guess checking in here counts as a little R&R . Meals were fine today, day 21. I ate at 7:15, 12:30, and I just finished dinner. I got pretty hungry in the 7+ hours between M2 and M3 but I was too busy to really get distracted by it. My leg ached a little today, and so did my back - I was on my feet ALL day and both patients were pretty heavy. Looking forward to getting into bed - just wish I didn't have to set the alarm for 4:30AM! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saree_maree Posted January 25, 2016 Author Share Posted January 25, 2016 Day 22. Much calmer day at work. Successfully turned down bagels in the morning and pizza in the afternoon. Made a running date for tomorrow morning, and feeling really happy about that. I wasn't very hungry today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saree_maree Posted January 25, 2016 Author Share Posted January 25, 2016 So literally 10 minutes after posting that, for no discernible reason whatsoever I ate a giant apple and a bowl of grapes and now I am overfull and furious with myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saree_maree Posted January 25, 2016 Author Share Posted January 25, 2016 I've been thinking a lot about what happened last night. I was not hungry, not craving, not anxious or stressed. I was tired, but not exhausted. Why did I overeat fruit after eating my dinner? I had my normal work-night dinner: can or sardines mashed with one whole avocado, with about a cup of sliced raw vegetables (carrots, celery, bell pepper). There was nothing out of the ordinary about the evening or the day leading up to it. I went into the kitchen to make a cup of herbal tea, and it was like I went on autopilot: opened the fridge, pulled out the fruit, and ate it without even stopping to think. Classic binge behavior - only it was like I had no warning, and no chance to talk myself out of it or distract myself. And I was definitely full enough afterwards to get the feeling of wanting to purge - but I did not. I don't want the solution to be: no more fruit, ever! An attitude of increasing restriction has a cascading effect on me that leads to a dangerous place. That's what happened after my last Whole30 - I became more and more obsessive and restrictive, and before I knew it I was down to 80 pounds and then bam! - back to binging and purging on a daily basis. I need to figure out another solution. In the meantime, I commit to a better day today. And so far, so good - had a great run with a friend of mine this morning. My first run with another human since I was cleared to return. Zero pain. Heading out for a bike ride in a few minutes - it's a beautiful day, cold but sunny, with no wind. I'll do twenty miles, I think. Then tonight for dinner I'm imagining a lamb stew or maybe braised lamb shanks. I'll have all afternoon free so I will have time to make something more elaborate. Yum! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saree_maree Posted January 26, 2016 Author Share Posted January 26, 2016 Really good day today. Feeling strong and capable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jmcbn Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 I don't want the solution to be: no more fruit, ever! An attitude of increasing restriction has a cascading effect on me that leads to a dangerous place. That's what happened after my last Whole30 - I became more and more obsessive and restrictive, and before I knew it I was down to 80 pounds and then bam! - back to binging and purging on a daily basis. It doesn't have to be. First off, look at the positives here: 1. You did not purge 2. You binged on fruit - not anything unhealthy - and when I use the term 'binge' I use it in the very loosest sense. Let's be realistic here - you ate an apple and a bowl of grapes for frick sake. Just keep doing what you're doing - re-visiting the scenario in your head to determine possible triggers, look at your reaction, and the resulting consequences, and then put together a plan for what you do next time around. Then take a deep cleansing breath, re-group & stand strong - ready to face the next day. And each day you'll get better at responding in a more appropriate manner. It's JUST like veering off a well worn track in the mountains & creating a new route to the top. It may be a little tougher, but you get there in the end. Stick with it, you're doing great Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saree_maree Posted January 26, 2016 Author Share Posted January 26, 2016 It doesn't have to be. First off, look at the positives here: 1. You did not purge 2. You binged on fruit - not anything unhealthy - and when I use the term 'binge' I use it in the very loosest sense. Let's be realistic here - you ate an apple and a bowl of grapes for frick sake. Hahaha of course, you're right ... I wouldn't call it a true binge either, but it had that feel - mindless, out-of-control eating totally unrelated to hunger and well past the point of fullness. Even if it was just fruit, and not (objectively speaking) that much quantity, I still hate eating in that state of mind and find if very damaging, psychologically. It just makes me feel like I'm not making progress. But I shouldn't expect a linear path to recovery. That's too much to ask of myself and ultimately a setup for failure - because if I'm not perfect, then what's the point of even trying, right?? WRONG. Anyway, I made the most delicious dinner last night. I started with this recipe: http://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1015873-lamb-shank-tagine-with-dates First, I used chunks of lamb shoulder instead of shanks because they were out of shanks at the market. Cut the whole thing in half (only cooking for two - total of a little more than 1 pound of meat), subbed coconut oil for the butter, upped all the spices (especially the cayenne), used way less fruit (like 5 dates total for the whole thing and no whole dates added at the end) and added carrots and parsnips. Left out the tomato paste because I didn't have any. And no pomegranate seeds, either. Oh, and instead of water, I used a stock that I made with the lamb bones and the vegetable trimmings. It was insanely good. Probably too rich to eat more than occasionally, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saree_maree Posted January 26, 2016 Author Share Posted January 26, 2016 Still thinking about fruit. There is an ongoing theme in these forums about abstinence vs moderation. I see a lot of people say that they feel like they have to avoid some kind of food (usually sugar) totally and permanently because they are for whatever reason incapable of having it in moderation. It's funny, because even though I have had a diagnosed eating disorder for so very many years, I have never felt that way. I've never felt "addicted" to sugar, or to any kind of food at all. And this even though I've abused sugar very badly. I'd say the majority of my binges have been on sugary or sweet-tasting foods. But I've also binged on nuts, on cheese, on meat, on sticks of butter, on brussels sprouts, on mustard, on pickles, on baby carrots ... actually pretty much every food I can think of. And I don't feel addicted to any of those things, either. What I feel addicted to is the act of binging and purging. I can't binge and purge "in moderation." But the flip side of that coin is - I can't restrict "in moderation" either. I can't diet "just a little." Because I am also addicted to starving - feeling empty, seeing the number on the scale go down and the number of visible bones go up, the euphoria or "fasting high" that comes with extreme caloric restriction. Those are the things I have to abstain from. I believe in the importance of eating a real-food diet, of avoiding processed and highly refined foods, and of limiting added sugars and unhealthy fats. But not because I'm addicted to those things and need to abstain in order recover - but rather because I am convinced that those things are not good for my (or probably anybody's) long-term health. They are definitely obesigenic, likely carcinogenic, lead to undesirable blood lipid profiles and atherosclerosis, and increase systemic inflammation. But when it comes to whole, real foods - that I have determined that I tolerate by completing a Whole30 with reintroductions - I don't see any need to avoid any of them totally and permanently, even if they are not Whole30 compliant. I like oats, and they make me feel good. I love fruit. I like to put a little cheese on a salad. I think hummus is an awesome dip for veggies. I like black beans in my chili. I think a glass of wine enhances my mood and sociability, and I think it's also good for my heart. I think honey and soy sauce make a delicious marinade for chicken. I've binged on all those things. But I know that the solution is not to never eat any of them ever again. I am grateful for the Whole30 program because its rules and structure have now on two occasions helped me stop binging and purging. But my ultimate goal is remain B/P free and weight-stable in the absence of that rigidity, because that's what recovery means to me. A recovery that depends on me abstaining from anything - sugar, fruit, wheat, wine, whatever - totally and permanently seems to me to be both unsustainable and also limiting. I don't want to be limited by food. I am so sick and tired of letting food and weight rule my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeadowLily Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 Well written post, Saree Maree. It's taken me almost 2 years but I'm not labeling myself with any more labels. I've moved out of that abstainer way of thinking. I don't call myself a moderator either. I'm not afraid of fruit and nuts. Fruit is not the enemy. I had to throw all of my dieting books into the trash. I had boxes of them. All of them had a new twist, slant or variation on dieting themes. The Whole 30 is about giving up over-restriction and dieting. It's a food reset and not a diet. I'm not going to diet anymore. I can go out with my family and enjoy what they're having. For a period of time, I was taking a leap of faith that I could manage myself until it became second nature. I don't want to spend the rest of my life contemplating micro food minutiae. You know, my folks don't do that and neither one of them have a weight problem. They've never had one. I'm the only one that created one for myself by reading dieting books. Diets and restriction mess with everything but mostly our hormonal balance. There is nothing about over-restriction that will fix hormones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saree_maree Posted January 26, 2016 Author Share Posted January 26, 2016 I don't want to spend the rest of my life contemplating micro food minutiae. I love this! Exactly! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeadowLily Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 Saree Maree, this is your log. I believe that focus trumps restriction. Not policing but focus. Mindless eating without focus turns into binge or thrill eating. Focus, when you feel wide awake and you're aware of your surroundings, Saree Maree....this is one of the secrets of Whole 30 magic! It happened but it took almost 2 years to get here. Focus. The kind you need to pay attention in school and listen to what the teacher is saying. Focus will get you where you need to go. Saree Maree, I also believe when the brain/body connection is out of whack...it goes back to focus. They say a messy house is the reflection of the brain but mindless eating is a similar reflection. Focus. The kind of attention you pay to the open road and not driving down the road with one eye closed or drifting into road hypnosis. Thanks for listening on your log. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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