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Christabel's log


Christabel

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Day 1

 

Well, I didn't plan on getting bombed last night, but I'm starting my Whole30 with a bit of a hangover. My bad. So I don't know if I feel a little yucky because of that or because of the Whole30. I had some carb cravings after breakfast but whaddayagonnado.

 

Made a double batch of Melissa's Chicken Hash for breakfast so I'd have lots of leftovers. Read a while, then started marinating some sirloin, then went for a walk. My Jawbone says I walked about three miles. Had another serving of the hash when I got home. I was going to work a little this afternoon on a project due Tuesday but decided I can probably get it done at work. 

 

May do some light kundalini after lunch settles, then a little housekeeping. Steak salad with cilantro lime mayo for dinner, then TV and cross stitch. I just got the DVD set of the adaptation of a book series I love and so far it's better than I expected. 

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Day 2 - Part 2

 

I thought I had chronic sinusitus but the ENT said it wasn't so today I saw a neurologist who diagnosed "headache syndrome." I'm totally on board with the lymphatic drainage massage she's prescribed but I just looked up the med she also prescribed and I don't think I'm going to take it. I thought it was as needed for pain, but it's anti-depressant I'm supposed to take every day. Been there, done that, ain't going back. I hope the Whole30 and drainage massage do the trick.

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Picking 5 recipes from Whole30 and thinking I'd just cook extra each time was overly ambitious.

 

1) I don't have that many storage containers or that much refrigerator space.

 

2) Doing an hour of yoga after work and before cooking dinner was too long to go without food. By the time I was done cooking I was ravenous and I had trouble enjoying it (even though it was crazy delicious) because my kitchen looked like a bomb hit it and I knew I had to clean up before bed.

 

I can power through this week's meal plan but I need a simpler one next week. 

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I keep trying to guesstimate how many calories my daily intake is. The sad thing is, I know my guesstimations are close to accurate because I spent so many years learning calorie counts and how to eyeball portion sizes. And have actually tested myself by guesstimating, then measuring and calculating. Le sigh.

 

I have the skeleton of a food plan for next week tweaked for the time issues I've faced so far. Egg breakfasts on Sat/Sun with an elaborate recipe with 3 meals worth of leftovers on each day during the weekend. Then two simple recipes (a meat, a veg) with 2 meals worth of leftovers each, and 2 recipes from Paleo Lunches on the Go, alternating days for lunch at work. I've used that cookbook for and if you've done the dressing ahead, prep is fairly quick. And Monday I'm having dinner out with friends, which will be a whole new sort of challenge.

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Day 4

 

Last night I dreamed someone handed me a Girl Scout cookie and I ate it without thinking, then remembered after that I'd just blown my Whole30 and would have to start over. I don't even remember enjoying the cookie, just being so made at myself for blowing the Whole30 without even thinking about it.

 

I realized last night that I hadn't pooped in 3 days and as I have purchased neither unflavored Natural Calm nor decaf coffee,* I didn't have anything to help things along. Then this morning I found some glycerin suppositories I'd forgotten I had and that did the trick. After three days of veggies at every meal, I rather expected there to be more waste matter up in my bowels.

 

*I've also quit all caffeine except green tea as I'm sure that's aggravating my insomnia. I slept poorly on night 1, awesome on night 2, but woke up around 4 this morning and lay awake for an hour. That's not my usual pattern - I mostly have trouble falling asleep, then waking up in the morning.

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Day 5

 

This morning I wanted to kill all the things. Now I want a nap.

 

Got a Barefoot Provisions Whole 30 kit yesterday. At first I wasn't sure how I would incorporate the snack type items into my food plan when I'm not supposed to snack. I decided they would make good pre- and post-workout mini meals. Then I opened a bag of nuts when I was hungry 20 minutes ago and am no longer hungry for lunch.  :unsure:

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If I'd known this was going to be such a crappy week at work, I'd have started a week later. Tomorrow's gonna suck, too. Hanging in there, though. Had a Chomps stick and some Gone Nuts to tide me over an hour ago. One errand before home and then steak with sauteed broccoli and mushrooms.

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Day 7

 

Yesterday I put in my first actual workout since I started. I actually blame work more than I do the Whole30 - lots of extra hours and coming home exhausted. I did arms/ab and cardio.

 

It's supposed to be unusually warm today so I'll take a nice, long walk. The bad news is the snow is melting so I probably be able to go snowshoeing. We don't get much of a window here between "to cold to want to be outside" and "warm enough to melt snow." And I'm pretty resistant to the cold, it's just that cold here. I don't understand why it has to jump straight from 0 to 38 with no weekends of 20 to get Nordic. 

 

I can't mention my health on Facebook without my cousin trying to hawk her Reliv MLM snake oil crap. I love her and value our relationship but she gets really sensitive about perceived slights and there's no way to tell her no one wants her MLM snake oil crap without damaging that relationship. So I'm ignoring her but ugh.

 

Still really fat and bloaty. I think I'm retaining water as much as I am not pooping. Why does everybody apologize around here for mentioning poop? POOP. Drop a deuce. Defecate. Take a crap. We all do it; stop being so prissy.

 

Hmm. I may be having another kill all the things day.

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Day 8

 

I keep expecting to get whomped because so far I don't really feel bad. Yeah, I'm grouchy but I'm always grouchy. That's one of the reasons I'm doing this. The only strong craving I've had so far was for soda while looking at it in the cooler while on line at the grocery store. It was because I was thirsty so I went home and drank water with Elete (I bought some pre-Whole30 because I'm always crazy thirsty and often rely on flavored electrolyte beverage mix.)

 

I feel like it can't possibly be this easy and expect to get pummeled with ice cream cravings or something any minute.

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Day 9

 

I knew I was snacking a little too much but yesterday needs to not happen again. From about 5 PM on, I grazed and never ate a proper meal. Today my self challenge is to eat 3 meals and no snacks.

 

I may or may not go out to dinner tonight. I'm thinking I should probably cancel because I'm really upset about something that happened this weekend and it's boiling over onto someone who's supposed to be at dinner tonight because she did the same thing to me last April. Except it was worse because we're closer than I am to the person who did it on Saturday. And I don't think I should be trying to eat out Whole30 style for the first time while trying to not confront her about something that should have been brought up in April or left to die. 

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I stayed on plan but went ahead and picked a fight anyway. Now at least one, possibly two people are pissed at me and acting like I"m the bad guy even though the only thing I did wrong was not say "your thoughtless behavior hurt me" at the time it happened. 

 

I've heard tell of mystical people who when told "your thoughtless behavior hurt me," will apologize. (And some actually even mean it.) That must be nice. I've never met one of these people myself.

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Day 10

 

My period started 4 days early. I'm pretty sure I'm in perimenopause because while my cycle isn't all over the place, I wouldn't call it very regular, either. 

 

I've been rather upset all day because of what happened last night and because if this friendship is over, it will affect my other friendships. That's what happens when you tell Queen Bee she's being an a-hole. Not once has it occurred to me to eat because I'm sad, angry, and scared and therefore deserve a treat.

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Day 11.

 

So, day 11. Here it is. I was wondering this morning if this is how non-eating disordered people feel about food. It's great to not be consumed with thoughts of wanting to eat, how I shouldn't eat what I want to eat, why I am so obsessed with food, should I just give up and get really fat, why can't I be thin, etc. But I'm also kind of sad at the thought I may never again experience the joy of diving face first into pepperoni pizza or a pint of Americone Dream. Because there is very little joy in my life and that's why I took it from food. I'm not saying I won't ever eat those foods again, but I doubt they'll give me the same joy they used to.

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Day 12

 

Wow! Unassisted bowel movements TWO DAYS IN A ROW.  I have IBS so that's huge. I don't remember the last time that happened. I'm usually lucky if it happens three times a week. 

 

Today may be a bit of a challenge. I made a huge pot of chicken soup a few nights ago that was supposed to be two days of meals. Except I ate one bowl, forgot about the rest and left it out overnight. I thought about boiling it for 10 minutes but the thought of eating it gave me the heebie jeebies and now I'm out of food. I had Nick Sticks and freeze dried fruit for breakfast and for lunch I'll get a salad at the food court at work, add some homemade dressing and nuts, and I keep Chomps sticks in my desk. Getting that salad will mean walking past the pizza, cheeseburgers and cheese curds while hungry. I'm pretty sure I'll be fine, but... . I can stop at the grocery store on the way home from the house I'm looking at right after work. 

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As part of addressing my binge eating disorder, I'm also studying and practicing mindful eating during my Whole30. I made the discovery that the idea of binging without the TV on is appalling to me. "But, that's half the fun of the binge!" The first time I consciously binged was in grad school - I was stressed as f--k and the first night of the first spring break I said "I'm gonna watch a bunch of TV and eat myself into coma." And ever since, TV has been an indispensable feature of a binge. I'm not even sure why they're intertwined. I can watch TV without binging, although I will often do needlework to keep my mind off of food. But I can't binge without the TV. I mean, I probably could but it seems like no fun. 

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Day 13

 

As much as I would love to blame the Whole30 for stopping my car in the middle of the street, getting out and yelling at the driver who was tailgating me when I was already going 5 MPH over the limit on a icy road, that was all me. I call it channeling my father, as he would occasionally lose his $h!t and do something like that, too.

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Day 14

 

Last night I dreamed I shoved a bunch of gummy candy in my mouth and was so mad at myself after because I'd blown the Whole30 and the candy wasn't even that good.

 

One of my main Whole30 goals is normalizing my eating behavior instead of constantly struggling with binge eating disorder and emotional eating. I'm honestly super surprised that I'm doing so well on this and suffering so little. I'm probably snacking too much and work on that every day but the bulk of my meals are meat and veggies with some fruit most days and I'm not miserable or plagued with desire to eat non-compliant food. 

 

I was thinking this morning about life post-Whole30 and whether eating like this always could really be considered a normal relationship with food - never or rarely just eating what the people around you are eating. I guess my plan right now is to mostly eat like this with occasional indulgences. But think about what "normal people" eat  - for the majority of human history a lot of these foods were not consumed at all. How "normal" is it to eat them regularly?

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