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Breaking Free


intowin

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Food has been my life ever since i can remember... I can't enjoy anything unless there's food involved and I turn to food for comfort. I've been overweight/obese since I hit puberty and I also suffer from low self esteem. I've developed health problems and am at risk for several diseases. Every other aspect of my life has suffered because of my unhealthy relationship with food and it's the only reason for my unhappiness. It's taken over me and my life.

 

Every time I try to be healthy and stop eating unhealthy food and carbs, I fail. It's like a drug to me and gives me a temporary high that is difficult to give up because I crave it. I’m also too scared to give it up because I don't want to feel unhappy and bored. I keep making excuses and saying ‘tomorrow, I’ll start being healthy.’ But the truth is that it's only making me even more miserable and taking the true enjoyment out of everything.

 

I have to come out of my comfort zone and push my ease loving self to the limit. I have to face my negative emotions head on and deal with them head on instead of pushing them away with food. I have to learn to enjoy things without munching on something all the time. I have to stop making excuses and fooling myself into thinking I’ll start tomorrow because tomorrow never comes.

 

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever attempted but I CAN do this and I WILL do this. I want to amaze myself at the end of these 30 days by becoming successful. I'm that person that has never been successful in anything I've attempted. I'm lazy and weak willed. But I can be active and strong as well. It's up to me. It's my choice. A voice in my head keeps saying if I haven't succeeded in so many years, then this is probably just another attempt doomed to fail like all of the others. But it's up to me to make this attempt a failure or a success. It's all in my hands.

 

No matter what happens, no matter what goes right or wrong in every other aspect of my life, I HAVE to and I WILL, stick to this and succeed. Everything else will follow; this is the root of all my problems.

 

The start is always hard and the rest is easy, so what's a few days pain to an eternity of happiness?

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Day 1 (January 29th, 2016)

 

It's past midnight here. I've prepared some baked chicken for today's lunch and dinner. I'm going to have eggs in breakfast and almonds as a snack. I don't get much time to cook and I'm not a good cook as it is, so I'm going to stick with what I do have time for and what I do know how to cook. I really want to make it past this first day because the first 1-3 days are the days I always give up. I've never passed day 3. 

 

Encouragement and support will be greatly appreciated! :)

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I'm skipping breakfast today because I feel so stuffed from my last (and final) binge.

I know, not exactly 'wholesome.'

These 3 days are going to be my 'cooling off' period where I let my gut empty itself of all of the junk I had been stuffing into it.

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Hi Intowin - Welcome!  

 

I have totally been where you are - totally.  And you know what??? Time to treat yourself better than you have been.  Time for you to stop beating yourself up.  Time for you to stop punishing yourself with food. Tomorrow is not the time for this.  Today is. Time for you to impress the heck out of yourself.  Yes you can so do this!

 

If you skip breakfast - that is honestly tells me that you still have the mentality of punishing yourself because you overate the night before.  Stop that right now.  You are not helping yourself be doing this.  So you over ate the night before?  Big deal.  Time to put the past behind you and move on.  Trust me I know this voice all to well.  You need to soothe feelings with ice cream and cookies and so you eat them.  And while you are eating them the feelings - well they are not there.  And then the AFTER happens...... Then it's a why did I DO THAT???? I shouldn't have DONE that - and all that guilt waves over you.  Well I'll tell you something - that stops today.  

 

Why you ask?  

 

There is no failure here.  There is only learning about your body here.  So you make it 10 days - great!  Fantastic - you've eaten better in 10 days than you have in years.  Now if you did it before you can do it again.  Let's string 12 days complaint days together! And soon it will become easier, and maybe even still habit.  Take it one day at a time.  If you step off for moment - accept and own the consequences  without any guilt - then step on again.  

 

Also the fact is the matter it is very common for people to give into cravings if they are not eating enough.  Eating enough and feeling satiated is key.  You will probably eat more food than you think you ever had in your life.  The key is palm sized protein, fat 1 - 2 thumb sized portions of fat, and 1 - 3 cups of vegetables - with every meal.   Do not short change yourself by trying to skimp on any one of these things - you will be doing yourself an extreme disservice. 

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Hi Carlaccini! Thank you for chiming in with such wonderful advice. I was about to cave into ordering a pizza and decided to come on here to write down my feelings and stop myself from giving in. The sugar dragon in me is roaring and telling me I can start over again tomorrow, but I'm telling myself that tomorrow never comes.

You're so right about the breakfast part. It's just that I was so physically stuffed from eating so much that I couldn't eat anything without possibly gagging/vomiting. I feel 'empty' now so I'm definitely going to have breakfast everyday from now on. :)

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So, I was going through the forum and I read how you should get rid of all of the non-compliant foods prior to starting the Whole 30 and that gave my sugar demon the excuse it was looking for to go and finish all the cream cheese and bread in the fridge, as well as a few popsicles. On top of that, I just found out that I have to travel out of town for the weekend. I'm leaving within the hour.

I am not going to treat this as a defeat which will most definitely culminate in me going on another binge, but rather as an opportunity to face my demon and fight it head on: even though I ate non-compliant foods today, they were nowhere near my normal binge levels; traveling means access to lots of fast food, but I am not going to have anything else today. I am going to fight the demon off and jump right back into the game tomorrow. This is going to be my first victory. I've packed my baked chicken with me, too. :D

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Craving every carby food I can think of. :( This is hard. I'm feeling all those negative emotions that I usually suppress with the junk I eat. I'm cranky and irritable. My favorite thing to do is eat and watch a good tv show or read something.

I don't even feel like watching or reading anything now that I can't eat all that junk food; it's just not fun without stuffing my face. That's how dependant I am on food. I looove long drives but I'm not enjoying the one I'm on right now because I can't eat the things I love.

I'm typing all this down because it gives me the strength to keep going and gives me the determination to dissociate my 'enjoyment' from what my taste buds are feeling at the moment. This is an addiction and like all addictions, it's going to take some time to come off of. I want to stop feeling the world with my taste buds and I know I can do it.

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Hi, Intowin! Good job on resisting the temptation of McDonald's. It is really hard having to actually feel emotions -- I find sometimes it helps to write things down. If you're worried about people seeing what you've written, you can tear up the pages or burn them if you have a safe place to do that, or my favorite way to cover them up -- get some paint or markers or crayons, some glue, some pictures out of magazines, and create something over them, and turn them into something pretty.

 

I wonder, you say you're craving carby food -- if you're female, and you're coming up to that time of the month, it's pretty common to have those cravings, and it's okay to eat more if you need to. Up all your serving sizes, definitely don't skimp on the fat, and maybe throw in some extra starchy vegetables for a few days.

 

You can learn to do your old activities without food and enjoy them, it just takes retraining yourself. But for now, if it's really too hard to even think about reading or watching tv, maybe it's a good time to explore some new activities. If the weather is nice, you can go for a walk. You could pick up some of the adult coloring books that are so popular right now and some colored pencils (the adult versions of coloring books have a lot more fine detail than the kids' coloring books, crayons would be hard to color some of them with) and spend your evenings coloring. You could organize your junk drawer, or that closet where everything that you don't know what to do with gets thrown (I'm not the only one with one of those, right? :unsure: )  I'm sure you're already tired of being in the kitchen, but if you want to become a better cook, you could look up new recipes or youtube videos of how to make things that you want to try, and spend an evening or two a week making something a little fancier or more difficult than you might normally attempt. Mel Joulwan's website has mostly W30 compliant foods, and she does a good job of explaining how to make them. You definitely don't need to make recipes for every meal, but finding new things to eat will help keep you from getting bored.

 

Anyway, hang in there. It does get better, and you can do this.

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Hi ShannonM816!

Thank you very much for the amazing suggestions. :)

Food has become so central to my life that any sort of activity becomes 'worthless' without it. I need to retrain myself to do and enjoy all these activities without munching on something at the same time. I think I should organize all my photos in the meantime since that's something that requires both hands and is something less connected to food in my mind. Thank you, thank you, thank you! :D

I think I should clarify that when I say 'food' I mean carbs and sugar. I'm not really into protein/fat. I'm the biggest carb/sugar addict ever. I'm literally going crazy from day 1, but I know it gets better. Thank you for the reminder; it helps to keep me going. ;)

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Day 2 (January 30th, 2016)

So, when I reached my destination just past midnight, I was super hungry and shoved my face into a container of peanuts. I know, I know, not whole 30 compliant. :( However, I did resist the urge to eat an apple and down a glass of orange juice. I'm cutting out all fruits as well because I just use them to satisfy my sugar cravings.

This morning, so many wonderful non-compliant foods were lying around for me to eat, but score one for me for walking past everything and frying some eggs for myself.

I may not have a perfect start, but I'm getting there. I always give up if things don't go perfectly, but that's just my demon winning again. The truth is, no beginning is perfect and smooth. It's how you end it that matters.

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That's it - take one meal at a time.  One day at a time.  The more you are able to string together - the easier it will become.

 

You might not be eating enough my friend.  Usually temptations / cravings will hit the hardest when you are not eating enough.  Eat more fat - your body needs it - that could be why you are reaching for peanuts.  Make sure you eat a lot more than you think you should.  Really.  

 

I used to binge eat right out of the peanut butter jar.  Sometimes it was one spoonful, sometimes it was half the jar.  But now I know it was because my body and my brain was screaming for fat.

 

Lately my favourite quote is: I know what giving up feels like - I want to know how it feels when I don't.  I have this quote posted to my fridge.  It's actually a reminder of where I came from and a reminder that every small minuscule step, no matter how small it is - it is a step in the RIGHT direction.   

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Love this saying -'I know what giving up feels like - I want to know how it feels when I don't'.

 

Gosh, I feel like I try, I get there and boom...I am back to square one. Did the whole 30 for 5 days and bang when the weekend comes, it gets so hard, especially when you are out with family and have no food in hand.

 

So today, is day 1, again, for me. Let's see how far I can take it :( .

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aww..thank you! I just feel like I can never finish what I start. This journey to heal your body, mind and soul is so intense that sometimes I find it hard to control. I having been fighting body issues for as long as I can think off. I am hoping that this journey can help me build a better relationship not only with food but also my mind over food.

 

I am not obese by any means but I would love to know what I can find on the other side of this body!

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Love this saying -'I know what giving up feels like - I want to know how it feels when I don't'.

 

Gosh, I feel like I try, I get there and boom...I am back to square one. Did the whole 30 for 5 days and bang when the weekend comes, it gets so hard, especially when you are out with family and have no food in hand.

 

So today, is day 1, again, for me. Let's see how far I can take it :( .

 

It is hard, but it's not impossible. Are your family supportive of your efforts? If so, they should understand that you need to carry food with you when you go out, or be very picky about restaurant options. You can even find insulated bags that look like oversized purses these days, so if you wanted to carry something without it being obvious that might be an option. (That's assuming you're female -- I probably shouldn't just assume that. Males might not find the purse-looking coolers quite as helpful.)

 

Also remember that if you do have a time when you can't avoid eating something off-plan, you're not really back to square one. You've still got several days' worth of healthy eating, and the more of those you have, the better it is for you.  You have to restart your Whole30, but those days were definitely not wasted.

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