Here goes nothing...

[jessieg]

Growing up, I was surrounded by women with an extremely unhealthy relationship with food. My mom; an emotional eater that was constantly yo-yo dieting, jumping on the bandwagon with my grandmother who was always discovering the next earth-shattering diet or another. Weight Watcher, Atkins, The Pyramid, you name it, they've tried it. My grandmother; a petite woman who bases her self-worth on the numbers on a scale and whom I later discovered was a closet bulimic. 

 

I was smarter than them. I watched and learned from their mistakes (or so I thought). I led a very active lifestyle; year-round soccer, track, basketball, etc. Admittedly, I was hyper-critical of my body (what young teenage girl wasn't) but in general, could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

 

My, how things have changed.

 

I am my mother. I am my grandmother.

 

I still lead a relatively active lifestyle but nothing remotely close to what I used to. I am constantly up ten pounds, down ten pounds. That ten pounds makes quite the difference on my frame and more importantly, my confidence and self-esteem. I severely restrict my diet and deprive myself. Only bacon and eggs, chicken breast and greens. I purge my cupboards and load up on healthy proteins and veggies only to find myself perusing the supplement aisle searching for Atkins low carb processed junk or sugar-free reeses to fix my sugar craving. I'll then proceed to eat the whole box or whole package in one sitting. My sugar cravings get so intense that I sometimes stop at a fast food restaurant for a fountain diet soda, gulping it down as fast as I can. Or buy a pack of sugar-free gum and gnosh on all the pieces until my car is littered with silver gum wrappers. Inevitably, all this deprivation leads to a an all-out binge fest which makes me feel even more like a failure. Back to square one.

 

I am constantly telling myself, "Oh, I'll stick to only low carb or this exercise regime, for real this time" or "This time it will be different" starting on this date or that, often not falling through (If can't be accountable to myself, than who can I be accountable to?). I am pretty good at not eating processed foods, grains, bread, etc. but portion control is a whole 'nother story. And I use food as a reward. And as a comfort. If I am doing "good" for a few days, ie sticking to a low carb diet, logging my food etc, I reward myself with a night out with the ladies. One glass of wine turns into 3 turns into I will eat anything and everything I can get my hands on. When I am feeling stressed or depressed, I find myself shoving food in my face. Sometimes I eat and eat and eat and then force myself to throw it up. Not often but even once a month is too often, that I know (wow, that was hard to admit).

 

I am so done. I am so done constantly berating myself and allowing what is on the scale to impact or control how I feel about myself. And this is what it is really about to me. How I feel. How I feel in my own skin. The other day my roommate said just think about wearing a ten pound coat. It can be really uncomfortable so just say to yourself, I am going to take off this ten pound coat. So just take off the coat, as simple as that. I wanted to punch him in the face.

 

This is about me developing a new relationship with food. No more fruit-less, bacon and eggs only, sugar-free dark chocolate bar devouring deprivation diet. No more fake sugar substitute garbage. No more 6 course I deserve this reset meals.

 

I want to eat a balanced, nutritional diet. I want to celebrate the changing of the seasons and enjoy fresh, juicy peaches and not stress about the carb count. I want to eat food to fuel my body, not to fuel my emotions. I want to stick with something for once so that I can feel proud and accomplished. I want a new sustainable relationship with food.

 

So here goes nothing...

[MeadowLily]

On your new road, you'll find everything.

[jessieg]

Yesterday, I started the day with a couple of hard-boiled eggs and about a half a cup of raspberries (#winning). Oh my god, those raspberries though. So sweet & tangy. I knocked out a few chores, made a couple phone calls and planned a hike in Forest Park. By that time my stomach was a growlin so I headed down to Whole Foods to hit the hot bar en route to my little outdoor adventure. Clearly I wasn't paying attention because I had a heaping plate of what I thought was some exotic chicken stir-fry that turned out to be soy curls. Fail. Promptly dumped that in the trash and headed back for round 2 (or technically round 1). This time I scooped up some blackened chicken salad and cabbage crunch. I really loved the texture of the cabbage crunch at first bite but noticed it was surprisingly sweet so took a closer look at the ingredients list and oh shit, it had honey in it. Another fail. One bite = kiss of death. I really enjoyed the blackened chicken though and found a paleo-tastic recipe online that I am going to try out: http://bit.ly/1LX6Lhs.

 

The hike was about a 3 mile moderate loop. I invited my brother along but he (and the cannabis) slowed things down considerably. We jokingly said it felt like we were walking through molasses. Mossy, green-tinted molasses. Not sure if it really got my heart pumping since we were walking at a sloth pace but it was definitely good for the soul. When I dropped him off at home, I discovered a bag of almonds left behind by my former partner. One handful turned into two turned into...I don't know, I lost count. I would guess it was around 30 but probably closer to 45 (almonds, not handfuls). Damn, those salty, savory little devil nuggets! Gets me every time. I then proceeded to stop at my local grocery store to stock up on paleo beef stew makings. I also grabbed some veggies, almond butter and nuts. I really do have to be careful with those last two. I perused the natural food section, as I am want to do, and stumbled across the EPIC Coconut Carnivore packs. I read the back of the labels of EPIC bars from time to time but am usually grossed out by the ingredients. This, however, sounded rather tasty (and it was!). SCORE!

 

When I got home I started the meal prep (while gnoshing on the coconut jerky deliciousness) which included dicing onions, carrots, and celery.  I happened to have my almond butter on the counter so was like well I'll just take this here celery and dip it in the almond butter...again...and again...and again. Yikes, that almond butter is addicting. I also started munching on little steak bites after browning them and probably went a little overboard. Okay, not probably, I did. I then tossed a couple handfuls of spicy pepitas in my mouth and devoured the rest of the raspberries (another 1/4 cup) for good measure.

 

What I am getting at here is by the time the stew was done simmering, about two hours later, I was already full but just HAD to indulge in this delicious meal I just spent 30 minutes making, right? And HOLY SHIT, it was tasty. No really, mind-blowing-I-would-rather-curl-up-on-the-couch-with-it-than-have-sex good. I think it may even be the best thing I have ever made. I ate a small bowl (mainly just for the flavor) and then went back for a second because it filled my belly and made me feel so warm, happy and sleepy. Then I sucked down a Jordan's almond packet because why not?

 

SO...what did I learn today?

1) I need to carefully read the ingredients of everything I put in my mouth (food-related), not just breeze over them.

2) P O R T I O N  C O N T R O L. I need to be cognizant of portion size when it comes to all of the things. The recommendation of protein is around 5 oz, what can fit in the palm of my hand. I think I normally eat three times that amount. And no, I do not have Sasquatch-size hands.

3) Beware smoking cannabis when there is almond butter in close proximity.

4) Maybe cut down on cannabis in general during these 4 weeks. Slippery slope.

5) I need to eat when I'm HUNGRY, not just because something is tasty or I'm bored or whatever the excuse is.

6) Easy on the nuts.

7) Try to cut down on mindless snacking because (I can hear my mom's voice now), it'll ruin my appetite. In this case, it didn't because I continued to eat even though I was full so need to cut that shit out too. 

8) Be mindful of that fact that since I am also cutting out alcohol (which is no easy task, mind you since I work in the vino biz) it could lead to more sugar cravings and snacking as a replacement for those 2 (or 3) glasses of wine a night. 

9) Classic Paleo Stew is AMAZEBALLS. Recipe here: http://bit.ly/1V1dd8o

 

So I am going to chock this up as a grand learning experience. Bad news is that I overate and made some missteps but good news is that I have a stocked fridge and discovered some really yummy recipes for the upcoming week. Also, the Day 1: Whole30 newsletter landed in my Inbox today so I am going to hit the little reset button and consider this my official Day 1.

 

Onwards + Upwards!

[ShannonM816]

Just an FYI (not a judgment, just an FYI) -- cannabis is not allowed on Whole30. Here's Melissa's summary of why, in response to a question asked in the comments of the Can I Have list (she's mentioned it elsewhere as well, but this sums it up well):

 

Melissa @Whole9 says

 

8 January, 2014 at 11:18 am

Bryan, marijuana in any form is not allowed on the Whole30. Like alcohol, pot directly influences decision-making processes, undermining Good Food choices, and altering satiety mechanisms that allow us to moderate food intake. There is no moral answer here, only one that takes the “set yourself up for success” slant. And if a person has difficulty without pot for 30 days, that should be a signal that there’s a bit of a problem there. Good luck on your Whole30! Melissa

 

 

Melissa did say when this came up on Instagram a while back that if you have a doctor's prescription to use it for an actual health issue, that it falls under the doctor's orders trump Whole30 rules. 

 

Truly, I just wanted to be sure you knew that this was the official stance, in case that influences your choices going forward at all -- I know this is a sensitive topic, and I'm not looking to start an argument or anything.

[jessieg]

No offense taken and thank you for the feedback. I partake in cannabis recreationally from time to time (it's legal in Oregon!!) but I definitely can see how it might hamper my progress. But no cheese, wine, or cannabis? Is that even a life worth living? Just kidding, I can survive without.

[jessieg]

Yesterday, I started the day with a couple of hard-boiled eggs and about a half a cup of raspberries (#winning). Oh my god, those raspberries though. So sweet & tangy. I knocked out a few chores, made a couple phone calls and planned a hike in Forest Park. By that time my stomach was a growlin so I headed down to Whole Foods to hit the hot bar en route to my little outdoor adventure. Clearly I wasn't paying attention because I had a heaping plate of what I thought was some exotic chicken stir-fry that turned out to be soy curls. Fail. Promptly dumped that in the trash and headed back for round 2 (or technically round 1). This time I scooped up some blackened chicken salad and cabbage crunch. I really loved the texture of the cabbage crunch at first bite but noticed it was surprisingly sweet so took a closer look at the ingredients list and oh shit, it had honey in it. Another fail. One bite = kiss of death. I really enjoyed the blackened chicken though and found a paleo-tastic recipe online that I am going to try out: http://bit.ly/1LX6Lhs.

 

The hike was about a 3 mile moderate loop. I invited my brother along but he (and the cannabis) slowed things down considerably. We jokingly said it felt like we were walking through molasses. Mossy, green-tinted molasses. Not sure if it really got my heart pumping since we were walking at a sloth pace but it was definitely good for the soul. When I dropped him off at home, I discovered a bag of almonds left behind by my former partner. One handful turned into two turned into...I don't know, I lost count. I would guess it was around 30 but probably closer to 45 (almonds, not handfuls). Damn, those salty, savory little devil nuggets! Gets me every time. I then proceeded to stop at my local grocery store to stock up on paleo beef stew makings. I also grabbed some veggies, almond butter and nuts. I really do have to be careful with those last two. I perused the natural food section, as I am want to do, and stumbled across the EPIC Coconut Carnivore packs. I read the back of the labels of EPIC bars from time to time but am usually grossed out by the ingredients. This, however, sounded rather tasty (and it was!). SCORE!

 

When I got home I started the meal prep (while gnoshing on the coconut jerky deliciousness) which included dicing onions, carrots, and celery.  I happened to have my almond butter on the counter so was like well I'll just take this here celery and dip it in the almond butter...again...and again...and again. Yikes, that almond butter is addicting. I also started munching on little steak bites after browning them and probably went a little overboard. Okay, not probably, I did. I then tossed a couple handfuls of spicy pepitas in my mouth and devoured the rest of the raspberries (another 1/4 cup) for good measure.

 

What I am getting at here is by the time the stew was done simmering, about two hours later, I was already full but just HAD to indulge in this delicious meal I just spent 30 minutes making, right? And HOLY SHIT, it was tasty. No really, mind-blowing-I-would-rather-curl-up-on-the-couch-with-it-than-have-sex good. I think it may even be the best thing I have ever made. I ate a small bowl (mainly just for the flavor) and then went back for a second because it filled my belly and made me feel so warm, happy and sleepy. Then I sucked down a Jordan's almond packet because why not?

 

SO...what did I learn today?

1) I need to carefully read the ingredients of everything I put in my mouth (food-related), not just breeze over them.

2) P O R T I O N  C O N T R O L. I need to be cognizant of portion size when it comes to all of the things. The recommendation of protein is around 5 oz, what can fit in the palm of my hand. I think I normally eat three times that amount. And no, I do not have Sasquatch-size hands.

3) Beware smoking cannabis when there is almond butter in close proximity.

4) Maybe cut down on cannabis in general during these 4 weeks. Slippery slope.

5) I need to eat when I'm HUNGRY, not just because something is tasty or I'm bored or whatever the excuse is.

6) Easy on the nuts.

7) Try to cut down on mindless snacking because (I can hear my mom's voice now), it'll ruin my appetite. In this case, it didn't because I continued to eat even though I was full so need to cut that shit out too. 

8) Be mindful of that fact that since I am also cutting out alcohol (which is no easy task, mind you since I work in the vino biz) it could lead to more sugar cravings and snacking as a replacement for those 2 (or 3) glasses of wine a night. 

9) Classic Paleo Stew is AMAZEBALLS. Recipe here: http://bit.ly/1V1dd8o

 

So I am going to chock this up as a grand learning experience. Bad news is that I overate and made some missteps but good news is that I have a stocked fridge and discovered some really yummy recipes for the upcoming week. Also, the Day 1: Whole30 newsletter landed in my Inbox today so I am going to hit the little reset button and consider this my official Day 1.

 

Onwards + Upwards!

[jessieg]

Just an FYI (not a judgment, just an FYI) -- cannabis is not allowed on Whole30. Here's Melissa's summary of why, in response to a question asked in the comments of the Can I Have list (she's mentioned it elsewhere as well, but this sums it up well):

 

Melissa did say when this came up on Instagram a while back that if you have a doctor's prescription to use it for an actual health issue, that it falls under the doctor's orders trump Whole30 rules. 

 

Truly, I just wanted to be sure you knew that this was the official stance, in case that influences your choices going forward at all -- I know this is a sensitive topic, and I'm not looking to start an argument or anything.

Hey lady - I am new to this site and still trying to figure out how to navigate it. I noticed that I've been going about things all wrong...that most people keep updating their content within the same topic. Is there anyway I can delete this topic so can just stick with the one (Here goes nothing...)? Thanks for your help!!

[ShannonM816]

I merged your two topics. If you want me to change the title, let me know what you'd like it to be. Or if you really wanted stuff deleted, let me know that.

[jessieg]

Day numero dos:

 

Man, am I exhausted (but in a good way).  Spent most of the day basking in the sun which is a rare treat for us Oregonians this time of year, mind you. Started the day with a nice little four mile hike in the woods and listened to a rather intriguing podcast called The Seven Deadly Sins on Ted Hour. Highly recommend it.

 

Just spent roughly 3 hours in the kitchen prepping food; roasted veggies, paleo green goddess dressing, more beef stew, grilled chick and so on and so forth.  Am feeling rather accomplished.  Normally I would try to say something clever here but my brain is mush.  

 

Small victories today included paying attention to when I was actually physically full, upping my water intake and (miraculously) talking myself out of that glass of rose that was taunting me.  Funny how your own brain tries to sabotage you.  

 

That's all she wrote folks.  Lights out.

[jessieg]

Okay, so am sliding into day 3.  Just got done reading the daily newsletter and not to sound like a smug @hole but I am feeling rather bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Then again, the day has only just begun.

 

So I wanted to circle back around to yesterday's blast.  I read through it and was like yeah, yeah, commit to your goals on paper, I'll get around to that later.  But the thing is, I won't. No time like the present.

 

1) Cardio a minimum of 4x a week, 30-60 min.

2) I will only eat out 2x a week (this one is going to be hard).

3) Join at least one relay team this year (HTC, Cascade Lakes or Lake Tahoe).  I normally run with my former partner's team but hey now, time to venture off on my own.

5) Plan 3+ day solo backpacking trips for the months of April, May, June & July.

4) Hike the Pacific Crest Trail for one month stating in August.

 

That last one threw you for a loop, didn't it?  I have been mulliing this one over in my mind for quite some time now.  Friday would've marked my 10 year anniversary with my former partner (we are in the midst of untangling from each other in the most loving, amicable way...albeit still painful) and we have talked on and off over the years about thru hiking the PTC.  But you know what?  That was his dream really, not mine.  6 months is a really, really (really) long time to be off the grid, not to mention costly.  Even splitting it in half seems a little excessive to me.  But (cue goldilocks), one month seems just right.  And I don't plan on sticking to any crazy 18+ mile a day itinerary.  I mean, I get it when you are a thru-hiker and have a small window of opportunity so need to keep on the move.  For me, it's more about the journey, the serenity, time for reflection, empowerment...you know, physical, mental and emotional growth.  If I happen to stumble across a meadow lake, I am going to strip my clothes and jump in.  If I feel like pondering life's existence with a mountain goat while snacking on almonds, I'll carve out an hour or so.  If I decide I am tired and want to just kick back for a day or two, than so be it.  Fluidity.  I am not in this to "prove" anything to anyone but myself.  This is the year.  No more excuses.  Make it happen.

 

Already the ball is starting to roll.  Watched a live webinar hosted by PTC the other day, read a plethora of trail logs and had a lengthy discussion last night with my roomie, an avid hiker.  He was definitely a wealth of information and helped me narrow down not only the timing, but the trail.  Initially I was considering embarking from Ashland to the Bridge of the Gods, but it seemed a little anti-climatic since I've hiked the tail end near Eagle Creek a handful of times.  After a detailed and riveting description of the vast diversity of sections of WA; glacial cliffs, meadow flowers, old growth forests etc, I was sold. Next on the list? Gear hunting & food planning.

 

I digress.  Don't worry; this won't morph into some fanatical PTC planning play-by-play because trust me, there are a multitude of other forums to word vomit on to.  But the whole purpose of this exercise was to quit day dreaming and create clear in-tent.  So that's what I'm going to do; spend a month in-tent (see what I did there, huh, huh, didja? [elbow prod]).

 

I want to get back on track though with more food-related goals.  One of the questions in the Day 2 newsletter is why are you doing this?  I am doing the Whole 30 so that I can rediscover a healthy, nutritional and sustainable relationship with food.  I am doing Whole 30 so I can spend more time in the kitchen and learn how to fall in love with cooking.  I am doing Whole 30 because let's be honest, I could stand to shed a few pounds.  However, this is not about looking good, it is about feeling good.  The other question was what will keep you going when you forget your reasons?  Hmmm, that is a good one.  Re-read what I just wrote? Just committing to tracking my progress enables me to stay focused on the why.  I am starting to feel a little distracted (caffeine is kicking in and the park running trail nearby is calling me) so Ima gonna touch on obstacles & triggers real quick.  Obstacles are, without a question, my social life.  Since I am in the wine biz, a lot of my time is spent tasting wine, drinking wine, thinking about wine, pairing wine with food.  Plus, my circle of friends include sophisticated alcoholics so we when we hang out it usually involves some spirited liquid beverage or another.  I have found myself turning down a handful of invites this week because, well, I am just to weak right now to be around it.  So boo for me, it has taken a damper on my social life but BIG PICTURE, people.  Weather.  I have to say the weather is an obstacle.  Yesterday when it was all bee-u-tiful, I came very close to convincing myself to indulge in a crisp, refreshing glass of rose because a) I deserved it and it was just so fucking nice out and wouldn't that just enhance everything and make those glasses that much rose-ier?  Triggers include stress, emotional distress, I guess weather should be classifed as a trigger, not an obstacle, right? Whatever, potato potato.  

 

Time to hit the pavement.  Carpe diem!!

[jessieg]

I. feel. like. shit.

 

And I know why.  That go4da&m f@c%g scale.  I knew better than to step on it but that is an addiction to overcome in of itself.  I know, I know, your weight constantly fluctuates a couple lbs due to water retention but even though I realize that logically, it still messes with me emotionally.  Which is exactly why I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO STEP ON THE SCALE, right?  So instead of feeling like I am going to kick today's ass, I feel fat, ugly, disgusting etc.  I want to skip my morning run and just wallow in self-pity.  I want to eat my entire tub of almond butter.  

 

I am not going to lie; I even started thinking well, how about I just be really, really restrictive the next few days to drop five lbs or so 'cuz I know it works.  But you know what?  It really doesn't.  Not in the long run.  I am not going to fall into that trap again.  I think I am just so used to seeing immediate gratification from doing Atkins, dropping 1-1.5 lbs a day, 7-10 in a week by only eating bacon, eggs, copious amounts of cheese, burger patties, deli meat, cheese (did I mention cheese?).  Granted, that wasn't the worse thing in the world, flavor-wise but guess what?  If it was an effective weight loss/sustainable lifestyle, I wouldn't still be struggling with my weight.  Sure the pounds fell off but then I would "reward" myself after two weeks of severe restriction and regain all that weight and then spiral into another cycle of self-loathing.  I'm sure that did wonders for my metabolism.  

 

So here is what I AM going to do.  I am going to be patient with this process, I am going to stay off that scale for a WHOLE MONTH (in fact, I am going to hide it in the deepest, darkest corner of my basement), I am going to continue to come here for support and encouragement.  I am going to keep tuning out that negative self-talk, I am going to visualize how I will feel in a week, two weeks, a month from now if I stick with it.  I am going to honor my commitment to myself and I am going to lace up my sneakers and go on that god forsaken run RIGHT NOW.

[jessieg]

But first, I read this.  All things yes.

 

http://whole30.com/2016/02/life-after-scale-breakup/

[kmollica88]

Love your journey! Thank you for sharing some very personal things. It makes it very relatable, especially for me. The women in my family have very similar issues. My mother gained so much weight out of frustration by trying to please her mother too. She was never able to lose any weight (meaning she never found a way to eat pizza and ice cream and lose weight) until she had the Lap-Band surgery, and my God I do not want the same future. For the first 5 years, she barely ate anything because when she tired, she threw it up immediately. Thats no way to live! I'm your soul sister there girl.  

 

I'm the same way with the scale! I dried the Dukan Diet which is an insane diet.... 6 days of protein only during the attack phase. No veggies, no fruit, no dairy, no carbs, nada.... They said to weigh yourself every day to "see the results and use it as motivation to continue" I have no idea how I lost 6 lbs in a week since I think I had maybe 2 bowel movements all week (sorry TMI, but its important) I was dying. Paint chips on the wall looked more satisfying than grilled chicken for breakfast, steak for lunch, and ground turkey dinner for 6 days straight. I caved and had a burger one day and it was like the world had sunlight again. Without even trying I gained back the 6 pounds I lost plus 3 more. Thanks but no thanks to that!

 

As for this program, I've made it through almost 2 weeks of Whole 30 even though I have to add on 1 week because a dinner party went bad and they had only filet mignon and french fries for almost 40 people. I couldn't justify eating other peoples portions of filet, so I had to eat some fries. I died inside a bit. But I woke up the next morning and enjoyed the hell out of my breakfast knowing I was right back on track!! Back to the scale, I had my husband hide it from me because I like that instant gratification of all my hard work and seeing it reflected on the scale. Well I almost caved the other day. I looked where he normally hides things and it wasn't there. I used it as a sign. If I found the scale, it I must of been destined to see the success! if I didn't, then I would just have to wait my turn. I will be weighing my self for the first time on May 1st. I have it scheduled in my phone, as if I would forget. Thank you again for sharing with us! I am sure enjoying your posts! Have a great weekend!! 

[jessieg]

Yesterday was by far the hardest, temptation-wise.  A good friend of mine owns an all-natural, gluten free salsa company (insert plug here) and when his demo girl bailed out on him last minute, I came to the rescue.  Hoping to get that friend of the year award.  So picture this; here I am trying to break my food addiction SURROUNDED by food for four straight hours.  Gotta love the irony!  I have majorly ramped up my exercise regime the past week (will spare you the boring details. well except for the fact that there is a really, really cute trainer at my gym - I find that detail not so boring) so have been making sure to up my protein and fat intake accordingly.  But yesterday, I had just got done at the gym and was still pretty hungry, even after scarfing down some veggies.  On one break, I found myself wandering over to the natural food selection and eyeing the dark chocolate.  Never been a huge fan of sickeningly sweet, toothe-ache inducing candy bars like Snickers or Milky ways (no offense if that is your jam) but give me a bar of 70%+ cacao and I am yours for life.  I start rationalizing with myself like, oh you've been doing so well and one little square of chocolate won't hurt you and you're not trying to prove anything to anyone but yourself so its okay if you indulge a little...and all of a sudden a voice in my head was like CUT THE BS!  Because I never eat just one square.  Who am I kidding?  So instead I sauntered on over to the beverage aisle, picked out a new flavor of La Croix (pomme baja-yum!) and chugged that darn stuff.  Take that chocolate-coated devil on my shoulder!  

 

I actually employed the same method last night when it was late and I was tired and started getting cravings.  I had eaten maybe 1 or 2 hours before so I knew I wasn't hungry in a physical sense so I slowed down, took mental note of how I was feeling and told myself that if after I downed another La Croix and was still hungry, than I could eat.  And you know what?  I didn't go back to the fridge.  I know this doesn't sound like a big deal but it is for me.  Sometimes I can be self-aware enough to realize I'm eating for the sake of eating but choose to ignore it.  I think it's important for me to take note of these small victories because I know that it is slowly strengthening my self-resolve and re-wiring all those pesky neurons in my brain.  Speaking of the brain, I recently started listening to TED radio hour podcast when I go running and I freaking LOVE it.  I have even begin to look forward to my morning run so I can stretch my brain muscles...two birds, one stone.

 

CIAO BELLAS!

[jessieg]

Love your journey! Thank you for sharing some very personal things. It makes it very relatable, especially for me. The women in my family have very similar issues. My mother gained so much weight out of frustration by trying to please her mother too. She was never able to lose any weight (meaning she never found a way to eat pizza and ice cream and lose weight) until she had the Lap-Band surgery, and my God I do not want the same future. For the first 5 years, she barely ate anything because when she tired, she threw it up immediately. Thats no way to live! I'm your soul sister there girl.  

 

I'm the same way with the scale! I dried the Dukan Diet which is an insane diet.... 6 days of protein only during the attack phase. No veggies, no fruit, no dairy, no carbs, nada.... They said to weigh yourself every day to "see the results and use it as motivation to continue" I have no idea how I lost 6 lbs in a week since I think I had maybe 2 bowel movements all week (sorry TMI, but its important) I was dying. Paint chips on the wall looked more satisfying than grilled chicken for breakfast, steak for lunch, and ground turkey dinner for 6 days straight. I caved and had a burger one day and it was like the world had sunlight again. Without even trying I gained back the 6 pounds I lost plus 3 more. Thanks but no thanks to that!

 

As for this program, I've made it through almost 2 weeks of Whole 30 even though I have to add on 1 week because a dinner party went bad and they had only filet mignon and french fries for almost 40 people. I couldn't justify eating other peoples portions of filet, so I had to eat some fries. I died inside a bit. But I woke up the next morning and enjoyed the hell out of my breakfast knowing I was right back on track!! Back to the scale, I had my husband hide it from me because I like that instant gratification of all my hard work and seeing it reflected on the scale. Well I almost caved the other day. I looked where he normally hides things and it wasn't there. I used it as a sign. If I found the scale, it I must of been destined to see the success! if I didn't, then I would just have to wait my turn. I will be weighing my self for the first time on May 1st. I have it scheduled in my phone, as if I would forget. Thank you again for sharing with us! I am sure enjoying your posts! Have a great weekend!! 

 

Us soul sisters need to stick together.  

 

My mom was condsidering the Lap Band surgery at one point, I even attended an informational session with her but I think that deep down she knew that wasn't the solution.  I can see how it might help jumpstart your weight loss but at the same time, it doesn't give you the skill set to deal with the why.  Why you overeat.  I tend to think of it similar to a drug addiction that typically the drug abuse is just a symptom of the real underlying, core issue and you have to face that straight on if you ever want to find solace.  

 

Congrats on making it this far!  Who in the hell only serves one filet mignon for forty people?  Either they are really cheap or really bad at math.  Just trouble-shooting here but maybe it would be helpful to keep a stash of jerky (thinking about giving this stuff a try: brooklynbiltong.com) or nuts in your purse in case you run into a similar situation when you're out and about?  I'm going to practice what I preach.  I love, however, that you didn't berate or beat yourself up the next day and just shook it off.  That's huge.  Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy.  I was listening to this TED talk the other day and they were telling the story of this lady who met an incredibly charming, good-looking, successful man that most importantly, seemed very, very into her.  Elated to finally go on a date, they were about halfway through dinner when he stood up and said, "Look, I am just not interested" and promptly left.  That must've felt like a punch to the stomach.  So she called her friend and her friend said something along the lines of, "Well, what did you expect?  He was way out of your league, you were incredibly boring, have huge thighs and frizzy hair so of course he wouldn't be interested in someone like you." What a bitch, right?  But it wasn't her friend who said that to her, it was herself.  We say things to ourselves that we would NEVER, EVER in a million years say to someone else.  So good for you lady for not beating yourself up.

 

I LOVE that you admitted to looking for the scale in all the usual hiding spots.  Not going to lie; I am suffering from some major scale withdrawals.  I was just sharing with jlynch88 that I literally handed over my scale to my roommate for safekeeping because I couldn't trust myself.  I explained to him my reasoning (it was relatively early in the morning so he was probably like I don't care why you crazy girl I just want to go back to bed) and something about putting it out there into the atmosphere felt, I don't know, empowering.  Stay strong, ladybird.

[kmollica88]

Us soul sisters need to stick together.  

 

My mom was condsidering the Lap Band surgery at one point, I even attended an informational session with her but I think that deep down she knew that wasn't the solution.  I can see how it might help jumpstart your weight loss but at the same time, it doesn't give you the skill set to deal with the why.  Why you overeat.  I tend to think of it similar to a drug addiction that typically the drug abuse is just a symptom of the real underlying, core issue and you have to face that straight on if you ever want to find solace.  

 

Congrats on making it this far!  Who in the hell only serves one filet mignon for forty people?  Either they are really cheap or really bad at math.  Just trouble-shooting here but maybe it would be helpful to keep a stash of jerky (thinking about giving this stuff a try: brooklynbiltong.com) or nuts in your purse in case you run into a similar situation when you're out and about?  I'm going to practice what I preach.  I love, however, that you didn't berate or beat yourself up the next day and just shook it off.  That's huge.  Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy.  I was listening to this TED talk the other day and they were telling the story of this lady who met an incredibly charming, good-looking, successful man that most importantly, seemed very, very into her.  Elated to finally go on a date, they were about halfway through dinner when he stood up and said, "Look, I am just not interested" and promptly left.  That must've felt like a punch to the stomach.  So she called her friend and her friend said something along the lines of, "Well, what did you expect?  He was way out of your league, you were incredibly boring, have huge thighs and frizzy hair so of course he wouldn't be interested in someone like you." What a bitch, right?  But it wasn't her friend who said that to her, it was herself.  We say things to ourselves that we would NEVER, EVER in a million years say to someone else.  So good for you lady for not beating yourself up.

 

I LOVE that you admitted to looking for the scale in all the usual hiding spots.  Not going to lie; I am suffering from some major scale withdrawals.  I was just sharing with jlynch88 that I literally handed over my scale to my roommate for safekeeping because I couldn't trust myself.  I explained to him my reasoning (it was relatively early in the morning so he was probably like I don't care why you crazy girl I just want to go back to bed) and something about putting it out there into the atmosphere felt, I don't know, empowering.  Stay strong, ladybird.

Of course!! We have to stay strong together! My personal trainer says she has seen serious results in me in just a few weeks. She says I have to have lost inches, and she is incredibly impressed with how strong I have become from when we first started!

 

That party still irked me to the core! They spend $400 on filet for everyone, but that wasn't enough for everyone. And the fact that there were not choices for sides (which would allow people to have seconds for the filet!) it left everyone a little upset.

 

Glad you're doing good! Stay strong girl!

[JeanetteO]

I. feel. like. shit.

 

And I know why.  That go4da&m f@c%g scale.  I knew better than to step on it but that is an addiction to overcome in of itself.  I know, I know, your weight constantly fluctuates a couple lbs due to water retention but even though I realize that logically, it still messes with me emotionally.  Which is exactly why I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO STEP ON THE SCALE, right?  So instead of feeling like I am going to kick today's ass, I feel fat, ugly, disgusting etc.  I want to skip my morning run and just wallow in self-pity.  I want to eat my entire tub of almond butter.  

 

I am not going to lie; I even started thinking well, how about I just be really, really restrictive the next few days to drop five lbs or so 'cuz I know it works.  But you know what?  It really doesn't.  Not in the long run.  I am not going to fall into that trap again.  I think I am just so used to seeing immediate gratification from doing Atkins, dropping 1-1.5 lbs a day, 7-10 in a week by only eating bacon, eggs, copious amounts of cheese, burger patties, deli meat, cheese (did I mention cheese?).  Granted, that wasn't the worse thing in the world, flavor-wise but guess what?  If it was an effective weight loss/sustainable lifestyle, I wouldn't still be struggling with my weight.  Sure the pounds fell off but then I would "reward" myself after two weeks of severe restriction and regain all that weight and then spiral into another cycle of self-loathing.  I'm sure that did wonders for my metabolism.  

 

So here is what I AM going to do.  I am going to be patient with this process, I am going to stay off that scale for a WHOLE MONTH (in fact, I am going to hide it in the deepest, darkest corner of my basement), I am going to continue to come here for support and encouragement.  I am going to keep tuning out that negative self-talk, I am going to visualize how I will feel in a week, two weeks, a month from now if I stick with it.  I am going to honor my commitment to myself and I am going to lace up my sneakers and go on that god forsaken run RIGHT NOW.

 

I'm having a hard time giving up on the scale too  So far, its been good you know, dropping weight and I'm only 5 days in but I know I need to stop. I get obsessive and then its just a cycle of what the number says and should I eat or not eat. I really need to take a page out of your book and hide my scale. But some part of me is clinging to it to validate that I'm finally on the right path doing W30. Sigh

 

Keep on chugging! 

[jlynch88]

Thanks for sharing so much- I love being able to read about and relate to the issues you're having. Portion size is something I'm trying to get a handle on also, and I was so grateful for your anti-scale support. Yay for you getting rid if yours! I've just been ignoring mine.

I love your hikes also- it's great that you're so active! Hope it's going well for you!

[jessieg]

On Monday, I was meeting with a potential winery client in Hood River (about an hour north of PDX) and because my mom recently moved up that way I thought, hey, I should take advantage of the beautiful sunny weather the day before and go on a hike in the Gorge.  But I had a dilemma.  Another potential client invited me to a spring wine release/fish taco celebration on Sunday which didn't start until around 1pm.  What to do, what to do.  I couldn't stop mulling it over in my head.  Should I make an appearance (even though I really, really wanted to go on a hike) and possibly secure a freelance position that would ultimately free me up time for more adventures down the road?  I mean, summer is just around the bend and all (!!!).  Would I be able to turn down eating fish tacos or drinking wine without feeling strange?  Does it make sense to rearrange my day if its going to be chaotic and I won't necessarily get one-on-one time with the winery owners?  Should I attend the event regardless to show my support and demonstrate my interest and enthusiasm?  Talk about OVERANALYZING the situation.

 

After a mellow morning at a local roasters followed by a delicious salt cod omelette with crudites (hello blanched asparagus, why had I never thought to do this?) I sauntered on home and without even really consciously making a decision, threw on my workout clothes, grabbed my water bottle and headed out the door. Just like that. As I was driving along the Columbia Gorge, watching as Portland faded into the rearview mirror, I knew that I had made the right decision.  And when I was staring up at this breathtaking waterfall located right off the PCT, there was not an inkling of doubt that I had made the right decision. Because this summer I am going to be selfish.  This summer I am going to stop making sacrifices after sacrifices in my personal life to pursue my professional endeavors.  This summer, I am going to go where my heart takes me.  This is the summer of yes. Plus, nothing can beat wilderness therapy in my book.

 

When I got to my mom's house, I offered to cook and after perusing a couple of recipes, settled on Mexican Beef.  Clearly I didn't read the instructions very closely because after grabbing all the ingredients at their local store, realized we were looking at another 3 hours of Dutch oven time after all the prep. Whoops.  So instead, I improvised.  I started rummaging through her fridge and stumbled across asparagus, red peppers, celery and tomatoes.  Remember the crudite from earlier?   Light bulb! Blanched asparagus, here I come.  Drizzled it with a little EVOO, salt and pepper and it tasted like candy.  I also found some beef in the freezer that they had butchered and vaguely remembered some guidelines for whipping up last minute meals in the first Day One Whole30 newsletter so tried out the Thai Basil Beef and it was SO savory, delicious and easy peasy. Boom! 

 

I am running out of steam here but I guess my main takeaway is that it is getting easier to make good choices.  I am by no means perfect.  Case in point, last night I started snacking on spicy pepitas even though I told myself hey take it easy, you're only eating because you're tired, but I DID IT ANYWAYS. Just said, shushit brain, lemme enjoy these salty little snacks. I definitely over-indulged.  Feeling kinda shitty about it today but trying not to beat myself up (its a new dawn, its a new day, all that jazz).  Solution?  Divvy out the pepitas into individual ziploc bags to try & prevent going overboard.

 

And yes, portion control, portion control, portion control. I can do this.

[jessieg]

First off, I am feeling it.  I don't know what happened on Day 10 (Friday) but it's like I woke up feeling 5lbs. lighter.  Now I don't know if that is an actual fact because I gave the old scale a boot but I sure can notice a difference in my body composition.  Feels good to see/feel progress.

 

But...am a little nervous about today.  My wine industry friends invited me to attend a last-minute photo shoot for some fancy shmancy magazine and all I have to do is sit around with a glass in my hand looking merry.  No problem, right?  Well...I've been making up all kinds of excuses not to hang out with some of my buds to prevent being in tempting circumstances but the expectation here is that I loiter and share a bottle or two after the shoot.  I know I am a grown adult and can just say no and explain my situation but the idea just makes me feel weird.  I don't know why, it just does.  Plus a good friend of mine will be in attendance and knowing him, he'll probably suggest going to lunch aferwards which will probably involve a bottle another bottle of grower champagne.  So keeping all of this in mind, I want to make sure I don't set myself up for failure and have a "plan" in place.

 

So here goes.  Since the shoot is at 11am and we'll wrap up around noon, I'll just say that I have a deadline to finish this weekend and that I probably should avoid day drinking if I want to get anything done.  Then, I'll suggest that my buddy and I have a picnic in the park, stop at New Seasons and grab some yummy stuff and sparkling wine and then suggest a soak afterwards.  That way I can skirt around the whole drinking thing, ninja-style, since we won't have a wine list staring at our face and drinking isn't conducive to soaking. 

 

Sound like a plan?  Wish me luck!

[mlmesa]

Good luck!  It sounds like you're doing great!  

[jessieg]

Well, well, look who came crawling back (I'm talking about myself, if that's not obvious).  It has been one whole week since I slipped, no, took a nosedive off the Whole30 wagon.  Reading back over my last entry, it's kinda sad actually how it all played out.  Sigh; the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.

 

So here I was at the photoshoot, slathered in red lipstick, holding a glass of wine because a. who doesn't like a girl with red lipstick? and b. it was a good excuse not to tip said glass into mouth and just #strikeapose.  After about 30-45 minutes of shooting, the handle bar mustached, metal t-shirt clad rockstar winemaker busted out a frosty mug of ice cold Rainer and slid it my way.  I started stammering saying, "Oh no thanks but I am trying to pace myself today and I know if I go out with this guy [pointing to my friend] we'll  end up downing a couple bottles of grower champagne so yeah, I really shouldn't get started this early, blah blah, blah" and he disappointingly said, "Oh really? I took you for a day drinker," and not wanting to be a total wet blanket was like, "Well, okay."   Seriously?  That's all it took?  What, am I some 17 year old girl cornered at a frat party with some bra shoving a beer bong in her face?

 

So yeah, what a monolithic crack in the dam that was. That sip from a frosty mug morphed into an all-out binge fest.  Frosty mug>>2 glasses of wine>>breakfast cocktails>>bottle of wine>>patio beers>>overpriced craft cocktails, not to mention some other illustrious intoxicants that are definitely not Whole30compliant.  Oh boy.  I woke up the next morning feeling like complete and utter shit (shocking).  Hangovers aren't usually my thing but man, was I hurting.

 

When Monday rolled back around, I picked myself up, dusted myself off and hit the gym.  I was back on track (sorta).  I stopped reading my Whole30 dailys, mainly because I wasn't ready to face the "I made some bad choices today... let's start my Whole30 over" link.  I wan't ready to admit failure.  I even, no, let's not mince words, I strongly considering just moving fwd, chocking it up to just a bump in the road even though I knew that by cheating the system, I was only cheating myself.  So I continued on this week, not visiting the forum, kinda doing everything half-ass. I was still eating Whole30Compliant 90% of the time but ordered a glass of wine during a meeting on Tuesday and picked up a raspberry Chocoperfection bar (which is to DIE FOR btw and paleo-friendly post-Whole30) and ate the whole damn thing in one sitting and participated in a flight of Oregon Chardonnay Thursday night with very little spitting and munched on a piece of gum yesterday along with some pomegranate mihshi's from New Seasons and consumed both almonds & almond butter (I try to do either/or on any give day).  Like I said, the rest of the time I was making healthy choices like salmon, roasted asparagus and cauliflower, eggs with caramelized mushrooms and onions etc. but I was definitely covered in dust, lagging far behind that lil ol wagon.  

 

The way I see it is that I have no choice but to suck it up and START OVER. Ugh. This sucks; I could've been on Day 19 right now!  But oh well, no use dwelling in the past [insert cliche here].  In all honesty, I think it's important now moreso than ever to get back on track because I am at this weird limbo weight where I have to be extra careful, in lieu of my past experiences.  I still don't know how much I physically weigh since the scale is still in safe hands but I would estimate I have lost around 6-7 lbs.  This is where I ALWAYS start slipping.  I start feeling a little more comfortable in my skin even though I haven't hit my goal weight so start giving myself permission to indulge a little here and a little there (case in point) and I SO don't want to start down that path again.  

 

So Day 1....here goes nothing.

[jessieg]

Good luck!  It sounds like you're doing great!  

 

Was. Was doing great.  Ironically you posted this on the day of my epic nosedive.  Regardless, I appreciate the kind words and support.

[JeanetteO]

I don't want to give a cliche like oh its just a bump in the road, etc... I think its not so much a bump, as you working your way through your food issues and getting there at your pace. I'm a veteran at yo-yoing, and this was common for me. But somewhere along the way W30 just clicked with me and I've been able to stick to it. But I think its because I went back and forth so much before that I worked out some of the things stopping me. 

 

I feel you've taken away something from this and perhaps this new round will be the one to stick! Especially because of what you said; 

 

"I start feeling a little more comfortable in my skin even though I haven't hit my goal weight so start giving myself permission to indulge a little here and a little there (case in point) and I SO don't want to start down that path again."

 

You got this     

[jessieg]

I am so mad at myself. No, not mad, just disappointed. I feel like I have completely let myself down and undone all the progress I had been making. Was that first, third, fourth margarita worth it? I mean, it certainly made me feel like a golden god(dess) at that Prince Tribute Band dance party (I was literally wearing a gold lamé jumpsuit) but the fact that I woke up with the realization that I had devoured a whole Cuban sandwhich, dirty fries and Kettle Chips in my drunken stupor? Yeah, wasn’t feeling particularly sexy then.

Okay wait, I am going to stop. I was planning on sharing my most cringe-worthy moments over the past two weeks (that almond butter episode? Shudder) as a confessional of sorts but all it is doing is making me feel even more shitty. I finally jumped on the scale the other day to realize pnly to realize I was right back where I started from (not a huge shocker) and well, it didn’t feel so good. But what feels worse is that gnawing realization that I broke a promise to myself yet again. I feel embarrassed, ashamed and like a failure. Sigh.

Done. I’m done. Water under the bridge. I can’t keep beating myself up. I am going to start all over and hope that this time is different. But is that enough? How do I set myself up for success? What do I need to do differently? The most obvious thing is to not give myself permission to have even one sip of alcohol or one hit of cannabis. Not only are they not Whole30 compliant but those two things really do set me down a dangerous path of no return.

I am going to end this with some positive things. When I am not recovering from a night of drinking, I still manage to make good food choices. I recently discovered a really awesome on-the-go salad bar which is a lifesaver in a pinch. I am still forcing myself to strap on my shoes and go to the gym 3x a week because I know how much better it makes me feel. So yeah, that’s something. I think my best course of action is to revisit the Whole 30 book to get re-inspired, re-read my initial entries on my goals and what I was hoping to accomplish and re-discover some other folks who are taking this journey with me. So yeah, lots of re’s. Rewind. Regroup. Recharge. Re…okay, yeah, you get it.