Diary of a Recovering Sugar Addict/Food Abuser

[WholeKitty]

Day Four on Whole30.

 

It has been well over a decade since I have gone 4 days without added sugar or chemical sweeteners.

I am not overweight, but not long ago my therapist was so concerned with my diet, that she actually urged me to get checked for diabetes and have blood tests done.

I poo-pooed her at the time, but in retrospect on an average day I was eating: 2-6 baked goods (including commercial donuts, cookies, brownies, etc), 1-2 packages of commercial candy (M&Ms, skittles, candy bars, etc), 1-3 servings of a frozen treat (ice cream, ice pops, chocolate covered bananas, etc) ON TOP OF the processed savory foods I was eating, which clearly all have sugar added.

Because I was gaining weight, and in fear of gaining more, I would constantly try to eat less, while not changing the actual makeup of my diet.

 

So far the hardest parts by far have been not turning to food for comfort/excitement/reward, and eating enough at meals to last me to the next meal. My dentist has explicitly told me that my constant grazing is the cause of my half-dozen cavities and tooth rot. Everytime we eat the mouth releases enzymes to break down the food for the following hour, which erodes the tooth enamel- and since I never stopped eating my teeth were CONSTANTLY being flooded with the enzymes and in a state of erosion. They never got any downtime.

 

I hate cooking.

No, that's not true. I don't HATE cooking, I just like easy things that I don't have to think about. I like very simple, easy meals with very few components. I don't like "recipes."

My go-to proteins so far are: grilled chicken in coconut aminos, wild alaskan sockeye salmon with herbs de provence and olive oil, scrambled eggs with cinnamon or a compliant seasoning mix. This is clearly just a beginning.

 

My go to veggies are: brussel sprouts/broccoli/cauliflower roasted with a little olive oil and Trader Joe's 21 Seasoning salute, sweet potatoes roasted with cinnamon, mini peppers/zucchini/yellow squash chopped and stir fried with garlic coconut aminos. As you can see it's straight-forward and very limited. So I need to expand to include other veggies.

 

Fruit is: apples (sometimes with almond butter), bananas, strawberries, pears...hmm, I guess that's about it. Although I also keep a wide range of organic frozen berries.

 

If fruit is supposed to be somewhat limited, and we're not supposed to snack, where does it fit in the meal plan? Because my actual meals are really just proteins, veggies, and fats. And then I'll like snack on fruit when I'm bored or craving sugar....which I am going to cease in fact! Because I want to STARVE THE SUGAR DRAGON. When the dragon wants sugar, I'll now give it protein and fat, or a raw cucumber or something. 

 

Without treating food like my secret bestie/confidant, I really don't know how I'll get by. I mean, obviously I *will* get by, but I'm actually afraid of what feelings and emotions might surface without this escape and reprieve that food once provided.

 

xoxo WholeKitty

[tmhampton1]

WholeKitty - I can so relate to this post. The issue with fruit is to incorporate it into the meal and not make it a dessert of a snack. So if you have a salad, add some berries to it or some sliced up pears. 

 

I finished my first Whole30 on 3/31 and did not really tame the sugar Dragon. I should have done a Whole60, I went and got a Blizzard to celebrate and it all went downhill from there. I am back on for another 30 and will do a proper reintroduction this time not including ice cream because that is my FWB. I just can't have it. I am having trouble right now incorporating veggies because there just don't seem to be very many options. I am giving up nightshades due to sensitivity and that takes out a lot of the veggies I liked. 

 

Good luck to you, and remember that we are always here for you to talk to. 

[WholeKitty]

Thanks for the advice TM.

I went off the rails today. I didn't time my meals right and I was starving after bootcamp. I went to a bodega and got apple juice and apple chips and some compliant chia chips. I finished them and something snapped and I thought "screw it I'm eating a protein bar. Who cares I'll start over. How bad could it be?" Well as I was checking out I bought a chocolate bar also, since I was already "being bad."

I feel so sad and dejected. I feel like I don't have the strength of will to avoid the chemical high of certain foods. I'm beholden. It's like I'm weak and I need to be chained up. Something just snaps inn my brain and nothing can stop me from using I that moment. I don't know what to do when this happens. Or how to prevent it from happening.

I've quit drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes, but this food thing has got me licked.

[ShannonM816]

On April 12, 2016 at 4:50 PM, WholeKitty said:

Thanks for the advice TM.

I went off the rails today. I didn't time my meals right and I was starving after bootcamp. I went to a bodega and got apple juice and apple chips and some compliant chia chips. I finished them and something snapped and I thought "screw it I'm eating a protein bar. Who cares I'll start over. How bad could it be?" Well as I was checking out I bought a chocolate bar also, since I was already "being bad."

I feel so sad and dejected. I feel like I don't have the strength of will to avoid the chemical high of certain foods. I'm beholden. It's like I'm weak and I need to be chained up. Something just snaps inn my brain and nothing can stop me from using I that moment. I don't know what to do when this happens. Or how to prevent it from happening.

I've quit drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes, but this food thing has got me licked.

There's a couple of different things going on in these situations. One is easier to deal with than the other, so we'll start there.

You were hungry and didn't have compliant options. If you'd either not been so hungry, or if you'd had whole30 food with you, you probably wouldn't have gotten off the rails at all, or at least not quite so far off them. So, to combat this in the future, be sure you're eating every 4-5 hours, and make sure your meals meet the meal template and contain protein, fat and vegetables. When you're going to work out, pack up some food to take with you. Post-workout meals should be lean protein and starchy vegetable, so pack some chicken or tuna and some sweet potato. If you need to keep emergency food for other days, go for things that aren't sweet -- cans or pouches of tuna or salmon, compliant jerky, leftovers or hard-boiled eggs if you have a cooler or fridge to keep them in.

That's the easy part. That's really just a matter of planning ahead and being prepared -- challenging at times, sure, but definitely possible. The harder part is those feelings. The, "I already screwed up so it doesn't matter if I have a candy bar" feelings, the "I can't do this, I'll never get this right" feelings. Those particular feelings are lies. You can do this. You're not a bad person, no matter what you eat -- your food choices are healthy or not healthy, but they're not good or bad in a moral sense, and eating unhealthy food doesn't make you a failure or weak or bad. It just means you're human, and you like the food products that have been made specifically to make you like them.

When you have those moments, try to stop yourself as soon as you realize what you're doing. Hopefully it's before you buy a candy bar, but even if it's halfway through eating a candy bar, or as you're tossing the empty wrapper in the trash, stop and try to figure out why you're reacting this way. Were you hungry or stressed or angry or tired? Try to figure out the why, and then try to come up with a plan for next time it happens. The more you pay attention to what's going on in these situations, the better you'll get at recognizing what's going on earlier in the process.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Food is a really hard thing to deal with when your relationship with it is messed up. You can't avoid it completely, you have to figure out how to have it, but also change the way you think about it. I definitely don't have it all figured out, but the more I work on it, the easier it gets, most of the time. I suspect there will always be times when I try to turn to food for comfort or stress relief, it's just so ingrained in how I've always used food. All I can do is work to recognize those moments and try to change that, while not beating myself up when I do make unhealthy choices.

[WholeKitty]

 When you're going to work out, pack up some food to take with you. Post-workout meals should be lean protein and starchy vegetable, so pack some chicken or tuna and some sweet potato. If you need to keep emergency food for other days, go for things that aren't sweet -- cans or pouches of tuna or salmon, compliant jerky, leftovers or hard-boiled eggs if you have a cooler or fridge to keep them in.

 

Are there any post-workout snacks that work without a cooler? I'm concerned about having the chicken in my bag for a few hours, up to several hours depending on what errands I have to run. I live in NYC and take public transportation everywhere, so sometime's I'll leave and be taking the subway all over before I even finally get to the gym, and it's unrealistic to carry a mini cooler with me along with everything else. Also, what is a good compliant jerky? I would LOVE some jerky after I lift weights!! I don't have a taste for straight tuna, but I'm definitely willing to try it if it means this won't happen again.

 

I know I'm not a bad person, I guess I'm just sad. I've never, in my entire life, been able to adhere to diet changes. It's like it's beyond my control. I used to be an anorexic/binge-eater and I eventually got recovery through a 12 Step Program. But even then, I couldn't seem to adhere to a meal plan. This is all super new to me. Sometimes I want a better life for myself, sometimes I just seem to not care. I'm thinking of seeking out that support group again for the emotional aspect of all of this.

 

Thanks Shannon for your gentle, kind words.

[madness]

I know you aren't the biggest fan of cooking, but you can make your own jerky if you can't find a compliant brand. It's super easy and you can do it in the oven, you don't need a dehydrator. But surely in NYC there is one! Have you tried the Epic bars? I haven't - just discovered them. I'm not a snacker but I've been thinking about keeping a few around for those emergencies times.

 

Stick with it!

[tmhampton1]

How have things been going WholeKitty?

[WholeKitty]

I bought a month's worth of Pre-Made Paleo Whole30 meals and have been incorporating them into my diet. I have more than enough supplies to really do this Whole30 business...

Every day I wake up and think "Today is the day I'm going to comply with the program, I'm going to start my Whole30!" 

And it's all well and good until I leave to house and I'm out in the world and I'm starving, or I gaze upon some sugary thing, and I think "efff it! I'll try again tomorrow!"

My therapist has actually suggested that I have OCD...like, for real? No way. I'm just a sugar addict. I know why she might see those tendencies though, because it truly in the moment feels like something BAD is going to happen if I DON'T eat the thing that I'm desperately trying not to eat. Then I feel sad and dejected and it just goes from there.

I can't tell what's physical, psychological, or emotional.

That's why I want to JUST DO IT (W30)...so I can get just a little bit of clarity around the way I interact with food. I've struggled with this for 20 years, and I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting.

[WholeKitty]

WOW

I did not eat any sugar or artificial sweeteners today. That's the most amazing part, even more amazing than day 1 being Whole30 compliant.

My food template is a mess, I don't eat at regular intervals, and I snack a lot for (I think) emotional reasons....but by gosh I was compliant in all my food choices!!

So that's a start.

Tomorrow I'm going to eat my breakfast right after I wake up, my lunch 4 hours after that...before I leave the house for the day. Once I leave the house for the day things get tricky.

I know this isn't the point, but I AM really hoping to lose 5-10 lbs on this diet. I've gained 5 lbs a year for the last 3-4 years. My sciatica is acting up so I can't work out right now

Anyways, Thank you Goddess for my first day of new behaviours, and movement towards freedom from a disordered relationship with food and eating.

[WholeKitty]

Another day. I want to eat eat eat eat eat all the things. I had a big old smoothie today right after dinner. Which I know is a "no no" because I wanted something to just "check out." I also wanted something sweet. I did eat three meals today so that's a plus, but there were several munchies after my last meal. I get bored and lonely and I eat to avoid just sitting with myself. I realized that I really don't like to be alone.

I usually spend a lot of time during the day eating mindlessly, so Whole30 is freeing up a lot of my day and I don't know what to do with myself.

[ShannonM816]

I usually spend a lot of time during the day eating mindlessly, so Whole30 is freeing up a lot of my day and I don't know what to do with myself.

 

Find a hobby -- I tend toward craft/art stuff myself, so painting, crocheting, jewelry making, even sometimes just coloring in coloring books. You could also go for a walk, read, write, exercise, dance, study something (there are free online courses for many subjects, if there's something you've always wanted to know more about). Find a group/groups to meet up with that you have some common interest with -- book club, classes of some kind, groups that get together to play different games (bunco or bridge or board games or even bingo, if there's something like that you enjoy, try to find some others who also enjoy it). Go to museums or to the park. I work from home most of the time, and sometimes I have to make myself actually leave the house and go do something. If nothing else, I go to a store and walk around, and although that doesn't really get me much interaction with people, it does help get me out of that mood that makes me sit at home alone feeling sorry for myself.

 

Something that a lot of people don't expect from Whole30 is that when you can't just eat your emotions anymore, you actually have to deal with what's causing them. It kind of sucks, but in the long run it really can be good. You get to decide what you want in your life and start working to make that happen. It might be good to keep a journal to help you sort out not just what you're feeling, but what you might be able to do to to help yourself overcome those feelings in the future. I know for me, there's something cathartic about writing out what I'm feeling and why. I'm less likely to just sit and stew over negative things once I get it out, and plans/ideas/dreams for the future feel much more concrete and less just a daydream when I write them down, which means I'm more likely to actually do something to help make them happen.

[yogi_rita]

Find a hobby -- I tend toward craft/art stuff myself, so painting, crocheting, jewelry making, even sometimes just coloring in coloring books. You could also go for a walk, read, write, exercise, dance, study something (there are free online courses for many subjects, if there's something you've always wanted to know more about). Find a group/groups to meet up with that you have some common interest with -- book club, classes of some kind, groups that get together to play different games (bunco or bridge or board games or even bingo, if there's something like that you enjoy, try to find some others who also enjoy it). Go to museums or to the park. I work from home most of the time, and sometimes I have to make myself actually leave the house and go do something. If nothing else, I go to a store and walk around, and although that doesn't really get me much interaction with people, it does help get me out of that mood that makes me sit at home alone feeling sorry for myself.

This is great advice! I also work from home most of the time (because I like the peace and quiet that I don't get at my office at the university), but sometimes it gets so quiet that it's actually distracting. I tend to eat on those occasions, but sometimes I just go outside and go for walks in the sun and it works wonderfully!

[Kaelisan]

Search YouTube for Yoga with Adrienne! She has so many free videos, and yoga is magic!

[Lauraslaurels]

Love Adrienne. Her 30 days of Yoga goes well with Whole30!

[Kaelisan]

Aha! My next W30, I'll do it!

[WholeKitty]

I socialized a lot today, which helped my mood immensely. It was an odd day today being out and about, so I sorta ate in bits and pieces. I started compliant though!! And I had two full meals, two half meals, one caloric snack, an apple, three hand full grapes and honey dew with my breakfast

Another day compliant!

[WholeKitty]

Day Four

I had a lot of fruit today, but I was compliant. I'm still snacking a lot, but I was compliant. Worked a little bit, and didn't spend too much time numbing out on my phone. Re: everyone's suggestions, I actually have many hobbies, I just never do them. I already feel myself becoming my "self" again. So maybe this diet change will actually help me be more creative and productive. Tomorrow I'm going to try a yoga class

[WholeKitty]

Day five done. This is the longest I have gone without added sugar or sweeteners in probably...my entire life. Since I was a baby. Literally. I've never been able to lay off the sugar for five consecutive days. I've never ever stick to a diet change for five days really. Something about the Whole30 makes me want to do it.

I almost slipped today when I felt lonely and disappointed. I walked into a bodega and considered buying candy, but instead I got black tea and walnuts. I didn't eat the walnuts. Just the act of buying them was somehow soothing.

I'm still grazing all day and feeling hungry shortly after I eat my meals.

I'm eating 5oz of meat and 7oz of vegetables at each meal. Is that enough?

[ShannonM816]

I'm eating 5oz of meat and 7oz of vegetables at each meal. Is that enough?

 

How does that 5 oz of meat relate to the size of the palm of your hand (length, width, & height)? You want your protein to be 1-2 times the size of the palm of your hand.

 

Vegetables, aim for 1-3 cups, more if it's all raw leafy greens, as they tend to break down to nothing as you eat and won't help you stay satisfied.

 

Are you adding fat at every meal? Add some in addition to what you cook in. Fat is what will help your meals last for several hours so you won't be hungry all the time. The meal template explains the portion sizes for some fat options.

 

Also be sure that at least once a day you have a fist-sized serving of starchy vegetable. Some people find having this in their last meal helps them sleep better, others are fine with it at breakfast, so play with the timing some. These could be potato, sweet potato, plantains, any root vegetables (turnips, rutabagas, beets, etc.), or any of the winter squashes (butternut, acorn, or spaghetti squash).

[sva]

Kitty, what a great turnaround! I can imagine that five days without sugar is both painful and must feel like a huge triumph. And it is. I love it that you bought black tea and walnuts instead of candy---I sometimes feel I just need SOMEthign, and partly it's the interaction with the person selling it (I too work at home).

 

I have two suggestions:

 

1. Wild Zora bars. (you can get them online) They're compliant (except the one with cheese, of course). I think there are four flavors that are compliant. They come in small packets that you can easily carry around town. They're good for those moments when you're out, don't have time for a real meal, and just need to feed yourself something. 

 

2.Eat more at your meals. I was used to trying to not eat a lot as I've always tried to lose weight, but my first few days I was so hungry that if I was out, I could have easily caved in. Even at home, I would have almond butter on an apple, until I realized that's not helping me. So I started really piling the vegetables on---this means, of course, buying a lot of vegetables, so that when I look in the fridge, I see a tomato that I better eat soon, and throw that on the plate with a little olive oil and salt. And I agree with Shannon about the fat---at first, I was hesitate to eat so much fat, but it really keeps me full---a half avocado, a splurt of coconut cream on my vegetables. 

 

Keep at it. You are stronger, better, smarter than Mr. Sugar.

[WholeKitty]

Yesterday was the completion of day 6, which makes today day 7. I ate a lot of fruit and snacks yesterday (Epic bars and a paleo trail mix) because I was out all day running around like a maniac. Well, at least from 2pm on.

Anyways, so yah, each day is officially the longest I've ever gone without added real or artificial sugar.

I've been eating these "Pre-Made Paleo" whole30 approved meals I ordered online, which are more or less tasty. But damn they seem small. Each meal is 5 oz protein and 7 oz vegetables. Sometimes I'll combine two of the same meal, which is more too my liking. I think I just need to buy a bag of plain, frozen organic mixed vegetables and cook a bowl in the microwave with each meal. Can you tell I'm super lazy? I hate cooking, and I hate sitting down to eat also!

[WholeKitty]

Day 8 complete. Today was crazy and I felt ravenous. I really really thought I was going to break at one point, but luckily I found a place that sold RX bars and had one. I'm afraid to stay writing down my food because it's so embarrassing and all overt the place. I'm afraid to even look at it because I know it's all "wrong."

11am Turkey sausage and sweet potatoes n tessamae bbq sauce

Coffee w light coconut milk

1:30pm Some fruit n nut mix

3pm black iced coffee

4pm Roasted chicken roasted root vegetables green beans

9pm almond milk almond butter banana smoothie

Fruit bar (all fruit)

Rx bar

1am cashews and apple juice n orange juice.

[ShannonM816]

Day 8 complete. Today was crazy and I felt ravenous. I really really thought I was going to break at one point, but luckily I found a place that sold RX bars and had one. I'm afraid to stay writing down my food because it's so embarrassing and all overt the place. I'm afraid to even look at it because I know it's all "wrong."

11am Turkey sausage and sweet potatoes n tessamae bbq sauce

Coffee w light coconut milk

1:30pm Some fruit n nut mix

3pm black iced coffee

4pm Roasted chicken roasted root vegetables green beans

9pm almond milk almond butter banana smoothie

Fruit bar (all fruit)

Rx bar

1am cashews and apple juice n orange juice.

 

I know that you know this already, and it's been mentioned before, but you feel ravenous because you're not eating enough at your meals, and because you keep having fruit to snack on. I know you want sweets because you're used to having sweets, and fruit is as close as you can get on Whole30, but really and truly, if you will just trust the process here and have protein, fat, and vegetables whenever you're hungry, you will feel better, you won't have the same cravings for sweet stuff, and you won't have to eat every couple of hours. Continuing to have fruit, and especially bars of dried or concentrated fruit, is just going to leave you continuing to crave sweet stuff.

 

Yes, this does mean you're going to have to cook stuff. You don't have to make anything complicated. You can boil a dozen eggs at a time so you have hard boiled eggs you can grab, you can buy pre-chopped fresh vegetables, bags of frozen vegetables, and for some things even canned vegetables if you want. Find cans or pouches of salmon and tuna for quick meals and for carrying with you when you'll be out and about at meal time. You can brown a pound or two of ground meat at a time, divide it up and put some in the fridge and some in the freezer. You can bake or grill chicken breast or thighs a pound or two at a time and freeze the ones you won't eat in the next few days. It's even not hard to cook a whole chicken in the crockpot if you want (although before I did it, I found that intimidating, so I get it if you're not quite there yet).  For fats, make up some mayo, and keep avocadoes or olives on hand if you like them. When it's time to eat, everything is there, ready for you to just heat up or even eat cold if you're really in a hurry.

 

You deserve to take the time to really prepare good meals for yourself. You're thinking of cooking as a burden, and I get that -- we all feel that way sometimes -- but really it is absolutely the nicest thing you can do for yourself, to cook healthy, hearty meals that you like and to sit down and enjoy them.

[WholeKitty]

Yesterday was day 9, so today marks day 10. I cannot even believe I've gone 10 days without eating sugar or artificial sweeteners!! I almost had a few "cheats" and I thought "if you cheat now you may never come back."

Definitely need to start cooking, as Shannon recommends. I don't even remember what and when I ate today. I know I had a big plate of beef brisket and sweet potatoes. But everything else was basically just filler food, especially because I was distracted most of the day.

I do, however, feel amazing.

I haven't felt "bad" about my body at all the last week and it hasn't even changed size or shape! It's just that now that I'm not eating psychologically damaging junk food I really don't care as much about the way my body looks. My mentality is sorta "I feed myself right and then the outcome is up to Goddess."

My sciatica is still acting up but I miss working out and will be going to yoga tomorrow.

I'm thinking I'm going to start taking a photo of whenever I eat, and the photo will have a time stamp so I can log it all later and see what's really going on.

[WholeKitty]

Day 11 down.

Had a nice big breakfast, but over an hour after I woke up because I had a client come over 20 minutes after I got up.

Had a super busy deal with basically two big, balanced meals, and some snacks plus a lot of grapes late.

I can't believe I've gone 11 days without sugar!!

I'm super distracted by a huge crush I have.

I barely ever have sugar cravings now. Like never. But then again I'm still eating a lot of snacks/fruit.

I need better on- the- go foods (and not canned cold fish, yuck." So far Epic bars and trail mix.