Feeling like a failure

[Jonette2]

On day 24 I accidently (did not read the label, thought I knew the brand) ate a mouthful of nuts with sugarcoating. So I started the Whole 30 over. Now I cant seem to get back on track. I hit the restart button maybe five times now. Mostly because I feel so depressed (I have a bipolar disorder, mostly I am okay, but have been in een a depressive epdiosde for a long time now) that at the end of the day I need a break form feeling so bad and eat or drink something that is not okay. It works, but of course only for a while. By now, the whole starting over the program makes me feel like a failure and I am loosing my confidence. It is so stupid, I am really self disciplined, but when it comes to food, is seems lacking. Not on good days, but on bad days. Apart from the bad choices (those 4 times), I eat well en whole30-compliant. It isn't that I fell off the wagon completely. But I really want to finish this time. I want to find out if goof food will help me with the mood disorder (and other issues), that was the whole point, and now the depression itself is sabotaging this good plan. I feel stuck, stupid and really alone.

[BamaRama]

I definitely can sympathize, I struggle with bipolar disorder as well. It sounds like you know the program well and what to. My advice is to, if you haven't already, seek some medical attention and/or some counselling for the bipolar... Sounds like your meds need to be adjusted or something, because like I said you know the program well and what to do, but you probably need help in the other department. I know for me when I'm having an episode it affects every aspect of my life. Hang in there, you will complete this! Be gentle with yourself and take it one meal at a time, if you need to!

[LadyM]

Please take it easy on yourself! You made it 24 days while in a depressive state? That's effing monumental. Seriously.

 

Now, could there be any possibility in the universe besides your being a failure? Absolutely.

 

You're not alone. I hope that coming here has shown you that. And you're certainly not stupid, clearly. What would help us help you is to give us a sense of what you've been eating, including approximate amounts, timing, water, and exercise on a daily basis. Then we can help you tweak it for best results. 

 

In my experience, there is a very real connection between mood and physiological factors. Often people need more starchy veg, especially at the end of the day, when they struggle with depression. Others need more fat, especially since that's what truly nourishes the brain. Others need both, and simply more food overall.

 

Something else to keep in mind: even if you're bouncing around right now between compliant and off roading, you're learning. And in the long run, my sense is you know that nourishing your body with real food of the variety that your brain, especially, needs, and avoiding the foods such as sugar and grains that have been documented as having a deleterious effect in terms of both manic and depressive episodes, is good for you. Even practicing , if not perfectly, is good for you--and better than giving up. 

 

In other words, as long as you keep trying, keep reaching out for help, keep getting back on the horse, you're not a failure; you're a success!

[justinefl]

I did my first Whole30, which I turned into a W45, starting at the beginning of March. I finished on April 20, and wanted to do a slow-roll reintroduction because I was just feeling so d*mn good! Then I went on vacay with my husband and his family - we drank a bit more than I would have liked; tortilla chips and barbeque got in the way of what was an otherwise pretty compliant trip; you know the drill.

 

When we got back home, it felt like I was just out of will-power. I re-intro'ed gluten by eating some brownies that weren't even that good, dairy (which I KNEW was no good) kept creeping back in, a glass of wine turned into two, turned into eating 1/2 that loaf of focaccia with some brie for good measure. Yetch.

 

During my W45, I know that my body composition changed a lot, so yay for NSVs! I also lost about 10lbs, but need to lose another 10 or so. Does a week or two of intermittent off-roading kill your body's fat adaptation?

 

I am trying to figure out what the long game looks like. I don't want to do another strict Whole30 right now, but am also having trouble bouncing around between compliant and off-roading. I know that sugar, gluten, and dairy do *nothing* for my mood, and at their worst, throw me into a pretty bad depression. I have some auto-immune issues, so I really have to keep inflammation in check, and a history of disordered eating, so keeping the Sugar Dragon in check is essential.

 

I wake up every day, and tell myself, "Today will be a W30 day!" and then I maybe eat some dark chocolate, or put heavy cream in my coffee... neither of which is terrible in and of itself, but it just makes it feel like I am failing. I guess I need to figure out whether to be strict W30, or come up with a different set of rules that I can follow in the long-term. 

 

Does anyone have advice/experience/encouragement for this sort of thing??

[Jonette2]

BamaRama en lady M, thank you so much for your answers. So friendly and nonjudgemental, that makes me feel a bit better instantly. Like I am doing something right after all. I will post details about my meals. It will take a while, because I will have to translate everything from dutch to english.  Most things I know, but some things...  Belgian andive? Does that ring a bell? Such a strange stranslation .. ha ha.

Justinefl... if I don't follow the rules strictly I am thinking about food 24-7. So fo me, following the rules strictly, is the best (just so hard sometimes when feeling like all you want to do is shrivel up en cease to exist). But you did so good for a long time, a guess you know what is best for you by now. 

[Jonette2]

Pwiew.... I hope my English makes sense to you....

 

B1 Chickensalad (150 gram roasted chickenbreast, one full tbs compliant mayonaise (homemade with olive oil), ½ fennel, ½ orange, with a tbs olive oil, sprouts (grown from leekseeds), home made sauerkraut spoon or two - at other times I make this with turkey

L1 Soup made form home made chickenbroth (really fat), ½ tbs ghee , ½ onion and 150 gr spinach and ½ sweet potato. 1 homemade burger (100 gram ground beef, 20 gram liver, 30 gram ground fat pork meet). Handful of walnuts. - I eat soup from broth (chicken or beef) often, mostly with leafy greens, but also with broccoli, carrots, parsnips, calliflower, leeks or mixed veggies I saved during the week

D1 200 gr Cooked red beets, 50 gr knob celery, tbs mayonaise, ½ tbs olive oil, 150 gr tinned fish (salmon, sardines, anchovis).

 

B1 Chili, made with 125 gram ground beef, tbs fat form grasfed cows, ½ onion, 175 ml tomatopaste, 1 fresh tomato, salad on the side: Radiccio (2) and ½ orange, 1 tbs olive oil - I also make this with lamb or pork.

L2 3 eggs (scrambled) with 200 gr spinach wilted in tbs ghee, with ½ onion and handful mushrooms.

D3 Grilled salmon (125 gr), Tbs ghee on top, Califlowermash (1/4 califlower, another tbs ghee), 100 gr steamed broccoli, 100 gr steamed carrots

B3 Ground lamb made in tbs fat form grasfed cows and ½ onion, with 150 gr broccoli  and 1/2 apple

L2 3 eggs scramble with veggies baked in tbl ghee (1/4 courgette, 1 tomato, ½ red pepper, ¼ red onion), handful of cahsew with some raisins.

D3 Beef from the slow cooker (around 150 gr meat), with 1 cooked potato’s , 150 gr cooked red cabbage

 

I am 1.80 meter tall (normal build).

I salt all the meals well. I drink a lot of coffee, about 6 cups or more. Ooops. Water I forget sometimes. Some cups. On good days I make sure to drink a liter (apart from coffee and herbal tea).

I sleep al lot, by the way. On good days: 8,5-9 hours. On bad days I go tot bed at 20.00 PM.

I exercise just a bit. Yoga almost every day (30-50 minutes). On good days: exercise with weights or bodyweight like planking, pushups, squats, half an hour every other day. On bad days just yoga and - if a mange - a walk (30 minutes). When really depressed I manage to do some work (08.00 to 14.00), make meals for my family.... but besides that I tend to go to bed and sleep. I cannot get more things done.

 

Hope there is enough information here?

[LadyM]

Overall your meals look pretty good. Though it looks like you could eat more veggies with every meal, and perhaps increase your starchy veg to see if that helps. Are you satiated by them, or do they leave you hungry?

 

The book is titled It Starts With Food for a reason. Are there other ways you're treating your mood disorder? Meds? Talk therapy? Increased exposure to early daylight and cardio can also help tremendously with depression.

 

As for finishing a complete 30 days, it might be worthwhile to ask yourself if now is the time to do it. Can you muster the energy and the fortitude it takes to dive in to 30 days right now? Or would you be better served to let it go for the moment and simply stick to the principles so you can feel like a success for a little while? Only you can decide. Some of us do much better with the formal guidelines that require us to abstain with very clear rules. But sometimes we need a break from rigidity. Of course the program is designed to last 30 days so proper reintroductions can inform us about how to move forward with eating for the long run, but if now is not the time, you can always try again once you get through this difficult episode. Whatever you do, please be gentle with yourself and seek real support beyond the Whole30. You deserve to feel happy and free.

[LadyM]

I did my first Whole30, which I turned into a W45, starting at the beginning of March. I finished on April 20, and wanted to do a slow-roll reintroduction because I was just feeling so d*mn good! Then I went on vacay with my husband and his family - we drank a bit more than I would have liked; tortilla chips and barbeque got in the way of what was an otherwise pretty compliant trip; you know the drill.

 

When we got back home, it felt like I was just out of will-power. I re-intro'ed gluten by eating some brownies that weren't even that good, dairy (which I KNEW was no good) kept creeping back in, a glass of wine turned into two, turned into eating 1/2 that loaf of focaccia with some brie for good measure. Yetch.

 

During my W45, I know that my body composition changed a lot, so yay for NSVs! I also lost about 10lbs, but need to lose another 10 or so. Does a week or two of intermittent off-roading kill your body's fat adaptation?

 

I am trying to figure out what the long game looks like. I don't want to do another strict Whole30 right now, but am also having trouble bouncing around between compliant and off-roading. I know that sugar, gluten, and dairy do *nothing* for my mood, and at their worst, throw me into a pretty bad depression. I have some auto-immune issues, so I really have to keep inflammation in check, and a history of disordered eating, so keeping the Sugar Dragon in check is essential.

 

I wake up every day, and tell myself, "Today will be a W30 day!" and then I maybe eat some dark chocolate, or put heavy cream in my coffee... neither of which is terrible in and of itself, but it just makes it feel like I am failing. I guess I need to figure out whether to be strict W30, or come up with a different set of rules that I can follow in the long-term. 

 

Does anyone have advice/experience/encouragement for this sort of thing??

Many if not all of us have been in your shoes at one time or another.

 

Without the information gleaned from proper systematic reintroductions directly following at least 30 days of the elimination diet, it's really hard to move forward with any real confidence. That's how we generally come up with "a different set of rules" to "follow in the long-term."

 

So, what I recommend, and a technique that has saved me many a time is to simply take it one meal at a time. One Whole30 compliant meal becomes two becomes a day becomes two, etc. Don't even worry about the whole day or a week. But this way you might end up stringing together enough days to feel really good about yourself. Even one meal can make you feel so good you want to keep going. But you need to give yourself a taste of how good it feels again and then see how you go.

 

Ultimately, though, you'd need another 30 days to clear your system to do reintroductions for the real information about which foods you have a problem with and how you'd like to move forward. However, I think you'll find that taking it one meal at a time will help you feel good enough again to decide if you want to keep going or if you want to do your own thing without the information of reintroductions right now.

 

(But FWIW, I've ended up doing W30s without meaning to just by taking it one meal at a time. Sometimes all the bells and whistles and fanfare of endeavoring to do a new W30 is counterproductive for me and just doing it under the radar for myself does the trick. But again, I don't set out to do more than one meal. And then they just stack up because I remember that I prefer eating this way--and that it is physiologically the healthiest approach. Then after 30 days or maybe more, I remember that it's not psychologically or socially sustainable forever for me to be so obsessive. And then I make choices about what's worth it based on the information I've received from reintroductions.)

 

Well, that was a bit of a ramble, but I hope it helps and that you happily find your way!

[Jonette2]

Thank you very much for the suggestions. Yes I sometimes get hungry too soon, so now I try to eat even more veggies, and add more (sweet) potato and other starchy veggies. No problem, I love potatos!  Also I will try to be outdoors in de morning more, on free days that is totally possible. Today I picked up cycling again - my husband was thrilled and cycled along, although for him it was more of a balancing act, that is how slow I went  Ha ha.

I decided to start on day 1 of counting my whole30-days again, your nice words helped to feel  more confident. But if the depression makes it too hard and I eat something I was not supposed to, I will just pick it up aftter that AND be satiisfied with the meals I did well. And not restart counting but just keep on counting the days. I am doing the how-I-made-it-through-365-imperfect-whole30-days-program. :-)

I will certainly think about other forms of help again. I am a bit of it do-it-my-selfer I guess. Not always the way to go.

Tnx again!

[LadyM]

Thank you very much for the suggestions. Yes I sometimes get hungry too soon, so now I try to eat even more veggies, and add more (sweet) potato and other starchy veggies. No problem, I love potatos!  Also I will try to be outdoors in de morning more, on free days that is totally possible. Today I picked up cycling again - my husband was thrilled and cycled along, although for him it was more of a balancing act, that is how slow I went  Ha ha.

I decided to start on day 1 of counting my whole30-days again, your nice words helped to feel  more confident. But if the depression makes it too hard and I eat something I was not supposed to, I will just pick it up aftter that AND be satiisfied with the meals I did well. And not restart counting but just keep on counting the days. I am doing the how-I-made-it-through-365-imperfect-whole30-days-program. :-)

I will certainly think about other forms of help again. I am a bit of it do-it-my-selfer I guess. Not always the way to go.

Tnx again!

We certainly don't recommend trying to eat W30 365 days a year. It's a surefire way to set yourself up for failure. How about just 30 for now?

 

Best of luck to you! And, really, even with the known arsenal of treatments available, depression can be so incredibly difficult to treat; I encourage you to keep diversifying your approach until you find something that works. I know so many people who regret how long it took them to try meds because it dramatically changed their lives for the better.

[mizlo0424]

Many if not all of us have been in your shoes at one time or another.

 

Without the information gleaned from proper systematic reintroductions directly following at least 30 days of the elimination diet, it's really hard to move forward with any real confidence. That's how we generally come up with "a different set of rules" to "follow in the long-term."

 

So, what I recommend, and a technique that has saved me many a time is to simply take it one meal at a time. One Whole30 compliant meal becomes two becomes a day becomes two, etc. Don't even worry about the whole day or a week. But this way you might end up stringing together enough days to feel really good about yourself. Even one meal can make you feel so good you want to keep going. But you need to give yourself a taste of how good it feels again and then see how you go.

 

Ultimately, though, you'd need another 30 days to clear your system to do reintroductions for the real information about which foods you have a problem with and how you'd like to move forward. However, I think you'll find that taking it one meal at a time will help you feel good enough again to decide if you want to keep going or if you want to do your own thing without the information of reintroductions right now.

 

(But FWIW, I've ended up doing W30s without meaning to just by taking it one meal at a time. Sometimes all the bells and whistles and fanfare of endeavoring to do a new W30 is counterproductive for me and just doing it under the radar for myself does the trick. But again, I don't set out to do more than one meal. And then they just stack up because I remember that I prefer eating this way--and that it is physiologically the healthiest approach. Then after 30 days or maybe more, I remember that it's not psychologically or socially sustainable forever for me to be so obsessive. And then I make choices about what's worth it based on the information I've received from reintroductions.)

 

Well, that was a bit of a ramble, but I hope it helps and that you happily find your way!

Reading through this just helped my perspective! thank you...i got to day 22 of my w30 yesterday and i just went way way off the rails at about 10pm ...that time of the month fast approaching and i just lost it....i live with a family who is totally NOT on the wagon, so there is ALWAYS a TON of non whole30 compliant food lying around. I did a first round in december...right through xmas and new years and actually ended up doing at least 45 days b/c i felt so good ...all without one cheat...this time around was so much harder. i felt like i craved stuff the whole way through and at day 22 i couldn't take it anymore... today so far i have been ok but i feel like at any given moment i could dive into a giant chocolate bar.....

anyways....my question for you Lady M is do you have any advice on trying to get some balance...i'm very all or nothing....i'm either following every rule and essence of whole30 (like no snacking on fruits and nuts..or really, no snacking period unless is pre or post workout) or i'm holding a tub of ice cream in my lap at 10pm and following it up with chips..... (last night).... :( 

[justinefl]

 

Without the information gleaned from proper systematic reintroductions directly following at least 30 days of the elimination diet, it's really hard to move forward with any real confidence. That's how we generally come up with "a different set of rules" to "follow in the long-term."

 

 

Thanks, LadyM, for the advice! I actually did do a slow-roll reintroduction, and know pretty well what does and doesn't work for me. The vacation and post-vacation off-roading came after I had re-introduced dairy, wheat, alcohol, sugar, corn, and soy. I haven't eaten or had the desire to eat other grains/legumes, so I haven't experienced what they do to me.

 

I guess the idea of stringing together meals is good, because sometimes thinking about the long haul can just be very overwhelming. But one day at a time, or one meal at a time, that works for me.

 

I'm going home this weekend to take care of a sick family member, and I know it's going to be hard to stay on track (especially because these next several days are NOT about me, but about my grandfather!) but I am going to do my best to stay compliant (or as close to compliant as I can!) and to not berate myself if I go off plan a bit.

[Carlaccini]

 

I'm going home this weekend to take care of a sick family member, and I know it's going to be hard to stay on track (especially because these next several days are NOT about me, but about my grandfather!) but I am going to do my best to stay compliant (or as close to compliant as I can!) and to not berate myself if I go off plan a bit.

 

This is your best course of action in times of stress.  Do the best with what you've got to work with.  If a meal is less than ideal - so be it - accept consequences and move on.

[LadyM]

Reading through this just helped my perspective! thank you...i got to day 22 of my w30 yesterday and i just went way way off the rails at about 10pm ...that time of the month fast approaching and i just lost it....i live with a family who is totally NOT on the wagon, so there is ALWAYS a TON of non whole30 compliant food lying around. I did a first round in december...right through xmas and new years and actually ended up doing at least 45 days b/c i felt so good ...all without one cheat...this time around was so much harder. i felt like i craved stuff the whole way through and at day 22 i couldn't take it anymore... today so far i have been ok but i feel like at any given moment i could dive into a giant chocolate bar.....

anyways....my question for you Lady M is do you have any advice on trying to get some balance...i'm very all or nothing....i'm either following every rule and essence of whole30 (like no snacking on fruits and nuts..or really, no snacking period unless is pre or post workout) or i'm holding a tub of ice cream in my lap at 10pm and following it up with chips..... (last night).... :(

Can you trace back to what triggered the faceplant into a tub of ice cream and chips? If you suspect the culprit is hormones, perhaps adding more starchy veg in the week leading up to your period might help head off such an impulse. . . .

[justinefl]

This is your best course of action in times of stress.  Do the best with what you've got to work with.  If a meal is less than ideal - so be it - accept consequences and move on.

 

 

You are exactly right. Unfortunately, during that week of taking care of my grandfather, I went so far off track it was basically a week-long binge. Chocolate and cookies were my two main food groups. Stress does an amazing job at completely breaking down my ability to take care of myself.

 

My grandfather has since passed away, and about a week before he passed, I decided to go back on a strict Whole30, not knowing that he would only live a few more days. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. Despite the fact that I didn't always follow the meal template (a bit too much snacking on fruits and nuts), I stuck to compliant foods, and feel really good about that. It's so hard - especially when the whole family sees food as a way to show love - to not just eat over all the feelings. I am still in deep mourning of my grandfather, but so happy that I am not also struggling with the food right now.