Day 7: I hate this.

[cheyennebarton]

I hate it. All I want is a damn bowl of gluten free oatmeal with fresh fruit, almond butter, and raw local honey on top.

I am doing the Whole 30 because I have a rocky relationship with food: I've always seen it as the enemy, as a nuisance, an inconvenience. If I eat anything mildly unhealthy, I spend hours tearing myself up about it. (I.e., a cookie when I don't "deserve" it.) i often skip meals, cause of time and sheer laziness, and a very strong desire to just not prep my food. What's the point? Easier to starve than go through all that trouble.

This sounds awful, clearly, and I was on a better road, letting myself enjoy food and stuff, and then I decided to embark on this for an extra kick up the rear. And it's awful -- physically, I feel good, but mentally and emotionally, my already bad anxiety has just gotten so much worse. I've gotten into super negative thought spirals more often the last week. I know it's only Day 7, but I'm waiting for the magic to hit, and I'm wondering if this whole thing is even worth it if it only worsens my obsessive relationship with/against food. I don't know how to proceed. I want to break it. I want the health-conscious diet I had finally settled into before this mess.

Please help. (And no, I've not talked to my therapist about this yet, cause today has by far been the worst day. Though yesterday I almost started crying over a f*cking cookie, so. I just hate feeling this way.)

[ShannonM816]

Can you tell us what you've eaten the last day or two, including approximate portion sizes and specific types of vegetables? Given what you said about often skipping meals and not wanting to prep food, I wonder if you're not eating enough.

Also, be sure you're including at least one fist-sized serving of starchy vegetables each day. They often help with anxiety and depression.

Non-food related, get plenty of sleep, get out in the sunshine regularly, and try some kind of light exercise most days, even just walking or yoga or dancing.

[cheyennebarton]

Monday, had leftover roasted spaghetti squash and ground beef pre-workout -- post-workout, two scrambled eggs and a spinach salad with beets and red wine vinegar. Lunch was rest of that spaghetti squash (two palms full) and roasted beef (1 palms) with pesto. Also had some stir fried chicken thighs and veggies, with Asian vinaigrette. Snacked on some fruit and veggies with ranch, and then for dinner a traditional protein salad.

Yesterday...(Tuesday) I can't remember what I had for breakfast -- oh, two eggs, beet-spinach salad, and a peach. Didn't eat lunch (was too busy at work to take a break. I just started working at a bakery which is also agonizing. I ate at 6am, and snacked on some veggies, and didn't eat again until 4pm -- had a brusselsprout/grapefruit salad, a small plate.) Ate a banana and a peach, and then the rest of that stir fry.

And I exercise regularly, I get a minimum of 7 hours of sleep a night, and it's way too humid here to get out in the sun. (I do not like summer in Texas, oh boy.) I just...hate the heat.

And i am a positive person!! I'm generally super happy and upbeat, but these restrictions on my diet are wreakin havoc on my mental health. I ate really healthy before this (I mean, I ate a bit of dairy and a bit of gluten, and I was pretty good about only treating myself to sugar-y stuff when I actually deserved it. Food is ALL I THINK ABOUT NOW and I have so many other things to think about, and my anxiety already takes a good deal of my energy to handle, I feel like I'm spending all the rest of it obsessively worrying about whether or not I'm really paying attention to the guidelines and having a proper Whole30 experience, or whatever.

[laura_juggles]

You had no breakfast on Monday (the pre/post workout meals don't count) and your pre/post workout meals were kind of wonky. There was not nearly enough food on Tuesday, so I'm not surprised you're feeling miserable! 

[cheyennebarton]

It's so much food! I can't afford to eat 6 times a day four times a week. And the portions I'm eating are already a fair bit bigger than portions I used to eat before the program, I feel like it's way too much. And I'm trying to plan my meals, best I can, get them proper balanced. I just don't like the way food is taking over my life. 

[kirkor]

>I can't afford to eat 6 times a day four times a week.

 

Only 3 regular-sized meals.  The pre- and post-workout meals are meant to be tiny, and even are optional depending on the type of workouts you do and how your performance is faring.

[Carlaccini]

Okay take a deep breath and let's sort through things here.

 

Food doesn't have to take over your life.  It's a big part of your life, and it should be an enjoyable experience.  You might be approaching things a little bit from the perspective - "Oh look all of these foods I cannot have!"  And yes for someone who suffers from depression / anxiety - I totally get it.  But maybe, just maybe it will help re frame things if you at all the wonderful foods you CAN have.

 

Also not eating enough - will make your brain go crazy - and make it focus on nothing but food.  There are studies done on this.  

 

So get really good on preparing food with minimal effort - that's why many of us do a weekly cook up.

 

It takes 5 minutes to lay boneless, skinless chicken thighs on a baking sheet - sprinkle both sides with a mix of salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, and Italian seasoning.  Throw them in a 375 degree oven and bake for 30 minutes. 

 

I recommend cooking up some ground meat with some basic seasoning - salt, pepper and garlic powder.  Then when you are ready you can throw it in a pan to heat up and add whatever seasoning and sauces (If you make mayo your options are limitless) 

 

I took another quick look at your meals - and you are severely lacking in fat - so your brain has something to work on.  I only see pesto listed one day.  Add more fats - in the form of olives, compliant bacon, avocado, lard, ghee (you can make your own), coconut butter, schmaltz, duck fat. This should help you out.

 

Also just to mention - when eggs are your soul protein at a meal - it should be the number of whole eggs you can hold in one hand without dropping them.  For most women that is 3 to 4.  Salads are OK - but you have to think of them as all being cooked down and wilted.  So what seems to be a large salad - isn't really that much when it is all chewed down etc.  So make sure your salads are large and plentiful. 

[cheyennebarton]

How can I stay motivated to actually make/eat those meals? I usually talk myself out of it, and then I feel miserable/empty (emotionally) cause I'm hungry, and then I get into a cycle that's really hard to break out of. 

[Carlaccini]

Hi Cheyenne,

 

Both literally take 5 minutes of prep work.  Really and truly.  And you know what - you've been doing more than that already by the looks of things.

 

If you can get your hands on compliant canned tuna, or salmon - they are quick grab and go options.  Dump on a salad, add some olive oil, squeeze of lemon -your on the go.

 

Confession I don't have anxiety around foods and cooking to much.  In fact cooking tends to relax me.  But I totally have anxiety.  I have exercise based anxiety.  And you know what I get anxious over?  Sweating in public. And I have to fight this anxiety every time I choose to do an activity.  I have to go to the bathroom 3 times (or more) just before I leave the house.  

 

But how do I get through it?

 

Accept all the feelings - good and bad.  Your brain is just trying to protect you from failure. I give myself the time to go through the reactions - both good and bad.  And then I do it anyway.  And sometimes I do get an anxiety attack while out on the gym floor - in front of my coach - and it's embarrassing as heck - but I recover, and I do it anyway.  

 

The reason why I bring this up is the more often you do something that is truly overwhelming for you - you will be overcome by pride.  Saying - "Hey!  I hated doing X - but I did it anyway - and now look what I can do!"

 

It's truly very hard at times.  But you can do this.  Really.  You can.

[cheyennebarton]

@Carlaccini, thank you. It feels impossible right now, but I said that I would give this thing 30 days to change my life, so I'll give it the 30 days. I appreciate yours and everyone else's help -- thank you thank you!

 

I also have to make a very very unfortunate phone call here in a bit -- so that doesn't help with the terrible, negative feelings running around my head/heart. I'm going to make that terrible phone call and take a nice long trip to the grocery store; oddly enough, grocery shopping calms me down more than prepping the food! Thanks again!!!! 

[Carlaccini]

Can I ask what the unfortunate phone call is about?  

 

What is scary about the phone call?  

[cheyennebarton]

I just made it, and it was not nearly as bad as I thought! I'm an actor, and I was going to tell my agent (she's fairly new in the market) that I was switching agencies (to a larger, very successful agency in town), but we had a long conversation and regardless of anything, I'm in her hands contractually until October, so I can't make any changes until then anyway! She's a friend, first, and now my colleague, so I was just terrified she was going to be angry or guilt-trip me, but we just talked it out, about the opportunities she's offering me and what the larger agency would, and how they're more on par than I originally thought. This conversation has been eating at me for days, and I'm so happy that it's finally done! 

[Carlaccini]

That is just awesome!  Good for you!!!!  See you CAN do this.

 

It just takes grit and baby steps.

 

I'm a salesperson by profession and I will still get all worked up to make hard phone calls myself - so completely get it.

[cheyennebarton]

Haha, yes it's very possible!!! Challenging, but possible. My biggest challenge right now too is not giving into my sugar dragon -- I ate pretty well before Whole30, but I have a KILLER sweet tooth, and working in a bakery is not helping to calm him down!! Haha, but I've resisted temptation thus far, at least! 

[jmcbn]

Haha, yes it's very possible!!! Challenging, but possible. My biggest challenge right now too is not giving into my sugar dragon -- I ate pretty well before Whole30, but I have a KILLER sweet tooth, and working in a bakery is not helping to calm him down!! Haha, but I've resisted temptation thus far, at least! 

And this is where fat really comes into play. Make sure you're getting enough fat at each meal, and if you're tempted & can't get past it with some kind of distraction technique reach for fat - a spoonful of coconut or macnut oil, or a handful of olives - trust me, nothing, and I mean NOTHING else will work.

Embrace the fat