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Fifteen Days (2.2.17 to 2.16.17)


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I'm going to be doing a fifteen day Whole30 (more like a pre-Whole30), mainly because 30 days seems very daunting, and also because I have some parties to attend during these days, so I probably won't be able to be completely Whole30 compliant. I'm also going to be taking off from studies, work, and basically everything so I can focus on getting through these fifteen days of clean, healthy eating.

My health and well-being are far more important, and if that means that I need to put off everything else for a few days, then I'll gladly do so. I've been an unhealthy, emotional binge eater and yo-yo dieter my whole life. I've developed a horrible habit of bingeing on absolute junk, and I've literally been trying to break it for two years with no success. The longest I've gone eating healthy is six days. I'm now at my unhealthiest and heaviest. My unhealthy habits are negatively impacting me in literally every sphere of my life. 

 

This is going to be the hardest fifteen days of my life so far. But this is also going to be the most important, life-defining fifteen days of my life. I have to be strong and steadfast. I have to not make excuses or put off things for later/tomorrow because that's a lie and a trap that I've constantly fallen into for the last 2 decades of my life.  I have to keep telling myself that I can suffer the pain of hard work now for a very short period of time, or suffer the pain of regret forever; the choice is mine. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's hard to break an entrenched bad habit and incorporate a new good one. This is especially true regarding food. I just have to get through these toughest fifteen days, and that's it. Fifteen days, and I'm free forever.  

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I went to bed around 6 AM and had to wake up 3 hours later because the baby was up. I'm still really sleepy and due to last night's binge (the last one I'll ever have), I have no appetite. I'm skipping breakfast (I know, not good) but this will be last time I do it intentionally. I'm waiting for the baby to nap so I can sleep as well. Lunch and dinner are already prepared.

A friend was supposed to come over tomorrow, but they may cancel, which means I have less temptation to deal with tomorrow. There's a party on Sunday, so I'll have three days to be fully compliant and build up some willpower to not gorge at the party. 

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A voice in my head keeps asking me how I'm going to get through this. It is indeed, very hard, because I've formed a habit that is very pleasurable and instantly rewarding. Even though I've been a horrible eater my whole life, I was still able to 'diet' for at least a few days, I was still able to control myself on occasion. That has changed over the last two years. I have a fraction of the little willpower that I had before. I think it's because I have easy access to fast food and have eaten it almost daily for these two years. My routine is to sit down with an entire box of pizza and finish it in 10 minutes while watching/reading something. This association that has formed is the worst part and needs to be broken. I eat because I'm bored as well and when I'm bored, I want to watch a TV show or read something interesting, and I can't do that unless I'm munching on something. I can't enjoy an outing without eating. I can't walk into a grocery store and walk out without something unhealthy. I can't go a day without my favorite take out food.

But yes, I actually can, and I will. I feel like I'm missing a very integral part of my body when I don't have my food, but in this case, this is more of a malignant tumor, than a body part, and it needs to be done away with, no matter how temporarily unpleasant it will be.

Even now, my mind is telling me to 'start tomorrow.' This has been a big trap for me. Always tomorrow, Tomorrow never comes. No matter how ideal it seems to start tomorrow instead of today. I've been saying 'tomorrow' my whole life and look where that got me. I'm going to say 'tomorrow' tomorrow as well. And then the day after that, too. It never ends.  

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