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A farewell to cookies


yescrystal

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My mind is SO not in the right place.

How do I change my eating habits so drastically, cutting out sugar, grains and dairy, while dealing with destructive bouts of terrible body image? Is this even possible? I'll be just fine...then WHAM. I suddenly despise everything about myself and disordered thoughts/actions take over. I know, intellectually and logically, that my body is fine. That not being a size 0 does not mean anything negative about me. I'm not 18 anymore. At 25, and 5'3", my weight is perfect for me. And yet, and yet...emotionally I just can't get past my normal-weight self. I freak out because suddenly XS tops are too tight, and size 0 pants are much harder to button. (SO illogical, I know! And I also know that I should be grateful I don't have any major health issues and that my biggest worry is that the smallest sizes at the stores don't fit anymore).

I know I should be talking to someone. It helped before, it would help again. No insurance at the moment.

The thing is, though, that eating this way did make me feel so much better. I wasn't nauseous, bloated, constipated or gassy all the time. I felt like I was taking care of myself. The problem arises when I have one tiny misstep. This "all or nothing" thinking is so destructive.

I'm just not sure what to do. Try again? Wait until I am at a better place mentally and emotionally? I really just don't know. My logical, realistic self and my emotional, idealistic self are so not on the same page. Regardless, I don't think I'll be logging meals anymore, even if I try again. Limiting stresses = one of the best things I can do for myself right now.

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Start with this: "eating this way did make me feel so much better". Take that phrase, your phrase, and sit with it. Forget about the clothes and the weight and the missteps. Forget about the meal logs and how many days you followed rules perfectly. You were able to make yourself feel so much better. So keep on keeping on. Keep buying the food and learning new recipes and eating this way, to make yourself feel so much better. And whenever the time is right, come back and start counting days, if that matters anymore. It's your body and your mind, and you have a right to feel so much better. Hugs.

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Thank you so much Xandra! Your response has helped me realize that I completely lost perspective of the "big picture," and instead I started obsessing over one factor in the whole30: food. Obviously it is a major factor, but really making a beneficial change requires a holistic approach in taking care of myself. Instead of obsessing on what I am and am not supposed to eat, and having a mini-meltdown when I take a bite of something I know is not w30 compliant, I am just going to do my best for now to treat myself with compassion and nourish my body with what it needs. No counting days, no keeping a log, and accepting that making a "mistake" is not the end of the world. :)

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It's something I have learned as well Crystal, a misstep is not the end of the world even though it feels like that initially. I needed to learn that as well. I am on my second round of whole 30 and I am purposely not counting my days. I've just said I am going to do the whole 30 until day X (my work's christmas party). If I have a misstep in between now and then I will not freak out about it. I will embrace my decision and own it. And then keep on going.

I obsessed about my weight for years. Then I gave up. And it brought me to my heaviest (known) weight yet. Part of me is envious that you are a size zero. Never in my wildest dreams could I ever be that. I am (5'9") and stockily built. I have started to embrace that (at the age of 36!) All of this to say - I will never be as small as I want to be, but I can definitely be healthy! And I have never felt this good in my life! So I have embraced these facts. And they have helped me get through the worst of my intense cupcake filled sugar cravings.

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Well, size 0 is definitely too tight now (although my size isn't exactly the point, is it?). I need to learn to embrace myself and treat myself better, regardless of how much I weigh. Like you have accomplished, I need to embrace being healthy (a bit envious of all of you who embrace this!). I know it's not something that happens overnight, and I also know that my food choices impact the way I think and probably even contribute to my anxiety. I'll just keep working on making good choices and will try to question myself when I have any doubts, feel like eating a slice of the pecan pie in the kitchen at work (do I REALLY want pie, or do I just want it to deal with my anxiety/boredom/etc? I don't even really like pecan pie), or find myself reverting back to behaviors that I really do not need to revert back to.

By the way...a bit obsessed with sweet potatoes and ghee at the moment. LOVE all the new things I have learned about food since learning about whole9! Just 2 months ago, I bought my breakfast and lunch every day. Now, I actually cook! And I hated cooking (although I still don't love it)! :)

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