Snacktime Journal - Writing instead of eating


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I completed my first whole30 in March 2015 strictly for elimination diet purposes. It was disappointing, mostly because I was nursing my 4-month old son who had weeping oozing infected eczema head to toe, and I ate a TON of eggs and sunflower seeds while eliminating and it did nothing to help him, and come to find out he is allergic to both of those foods. My son (2 and 4 mos) is now is perfectly fine now that we avoid dairy, eggs, sun-seeds, peanuts and walnuts for him. I also didn't tackle any of my food demons caused by a lifelong battle against my weight. I snacked when I felt like it. I didn't eat big meals. I worried about calories. I weighed myself often. 

When I came off whole30 I felt great. I was the leanest I had been since having children (but of course was not satisfied with the number on the scale). I am always wanting to lose 10-15 lb and the further I get from whole30 (chasing a # I was when I was borderline starving myself), the more I get back into counting/restricting my diet / not eating sufficient meals to then snack, mixed in with some binge eating behavior (hangovers). I gradually gained roughly 5 solid pounds. 

The problem is not my weight, it is pretty steady and I feel pretty good, always working on my fitness which is pretty low right now, but overall I feel attractive. I definitely could be leaner but I think I am only 5-7 pounds from that. The problem is my behaviors, my crutches, my fears, my loss of control. That is the major point I need to work on, so in this round of whole30, I am going to tackle my snack dragon and work on eating slowly so I can control myself and stop myself from eating when I'm satisfied. 

I do want to lose fat, but I am sick of the cycle of counting/restricting, then finding myself not feeling and when I don't feel well, I eat and snack uncontrollably. I have a hard time stopping. I have a hard time identifying hunger cues (lifelong dieter here of course); if I feel any sort of pang I identify it as hunger and grab something to snack. At one point in my life I restricted fat in my diet so much I would get light headed between meals and I would NEED to eat or feel I may pass out. That feeling has carried over to me now even though I am pretty well fed.  I constantly nibble while preparing meals. It is embarrassing. I started this journal to talk myself through snack times.

I am on Day 5 and I haven't been perfect about not snacking, but I don't feel the need to start my 30 days over because this is a journey and I am learning. The journey to not snacking will never end, even when I re-intro foods. I really want an afternoon snack right now. I am not hungry. I know I am not. I know I am thirsty. There is a container of nuts that I roasted and salted myself that would be so easy to just grab a couple! I know I am kind of bored, I have been home with my three kids for the past 2 days. I have plenty to do but I guess not much has enriched me. I work from home so I float from half-paying attention to the kids while working, to trying to tidy up, to doing a little activity with the kids. I need to get more focus in my life. Focus on work in spurts; focus on my kids when I am done with a task. Stay out of the kitchen. Put things away when I am done. Learn to breathe through different feelings of digestion. Drink water. I can make it 2 hours until dinner. When I have dinner I can eat a nice fatty and satisfying meal. I don't need to taste the carrots and cauliflower I am chopping. My eating times are/should be 6:30am, 11:30am and 5-5:30pm. I don't usually eat after dinner but I do have a hard time putting the breaks on, I have a hard time stopping once I start. 

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Unfortunately, I have to re-start my round today due to having drinks over the weekend. I finally have my husband on board with eating better, but it seems w30 is too extreme and he is going to eat paleo but have a couple of drinks each weekend night. Him going paleo 80/20 is a vast improvement over his standard diet. I was surprised he agreed to do whole30 with me in the first place. His point of view is that life is short, why torture yourself. When he presented me with this on Friday, I agreed with him and enjoyed a martini, and then yesterday we decided to celebrate Valentine's early and split a bottle of red wine. I thought about continuing with him in this more relaxed way, as this is pretty much how I would envision my food freedom: eating 3 satisfying compliant meals a day with 2-4 drinks over the course of the weekend. However, as I continue to explore this, I am finding myself really disappointed that I didn't follow through. To make this round work for my husband, I splurged on more food, I made ghee, mayo and almond butter, I bought nutpods, I roasted some raw mixed nuts. I was really feeling like this round would be the life-changing whole30 I expected back in 2015. 

So even though today is only Day 1, this past week I have made a lot of progress with making my meals satisfying. We ate a late dinner last night (ribeye, roasted potatoes, butternut squash with ghee and asparagus) and I was not hungry for breakfast until 8:30 this morning. I ate two eggs over a butternut squash and spinach hash with half an avocado and 3/4 of an apple for breakfast. I knew I was going out to a kids' birthday party and would not be able to eat again until 1:30. I DID NOT EAT A SNACK at any point to PREVENT HUNGER. This is huge for me. I packed a larabar just in case but I realized it was there as a safety blanket for me. I decided to not eat it. I was not hungry for lunch until around 12:30 while I was driving. I still chose to not eat the bar. I was able to manage my hunger and made myself a satisfying lunch: ground beef, broc/cauli/carrots, mayo w/ dijon mustard and a banana with almond butter. I am so satisfied and not quite full, but I could have done without the banana and almond butter. I am certain I won't be hungry to munch while preparing dinner. 

I am eating a lot; it is hard to ignore that my meals are full of food and calories. I feel good though. I feel lean. I am gaining control. I am on my way. 

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The meals are going great and I am so satisfied. I ate before being hungry for dinner last night in order to eat with my kids. I had zucchini noodles, a homemade tomato sauce, some ground beef and chicken chunks. After I had some cinnamon spice tea. I was full when I was done because I could have gone at least another hour before eating, and the best part of it all is I was not compelled to nibble while cooking. I did taste the sauce a few times as it cooked. 

I woke up this morning for a workout, made a fat coffee and just ate 2 eggs over fried zucchini and onion, cooked in ghee, with some apple slices and half an avocado. I am borderline full, but not stuffed. I know this will stay with me until lunch which will be chicken salad on a salad with walnuts, grapes and some olive oil, salt and pepper. Looking up a recipe for tonight - I want to do pork tenderloin with cabbage in my crock pot. 

Feeling good and feeling strong and motivated to not snack on Day 2, but where will my motivation be come Friday when the weekend alcohol habit stares me in the face again?

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After my last post, a few things changed. I ended up eating lunch at my mother's house. I brought my own mayo and stayed compliant, but the meal overall lacked fat and protein. When 3pm rolled around yesterday I decided that my urge to snack was actually hunger and I ate some chicken salad and apple slices. I still felt hunger after that and I should have gotten some water or something, but I didn't. I reached for some nuts, took a small portion, ate it. At that point I recognized that I was feeling compelled to binge. I use the word binge but most of my binges are moderate so maybe there is a more fitting word. It doesn't appear to be an out-of-control all-you-can-eat, I just eat way more snack food than I am hungry for and I continue to graze while I mentally tell myself, "you need to stop. you should stop. dinner time is in the next couple of hours..." So I looked at the container of nuts but I made the decision that I wouldn't continue to eat and sabotage myself. It was only technically day 2, but I've been on such a roll I don't want to stop. And I feel great despite imbibing over the weekend. Even though my house was a crazy mess, and it was almost time to start preparing dinner, and my 5 year old had swimming class in 30 minutes (my husband was taking her but he wasn't home yet), I decided to tackle an easy no-sew throw pillow case I had been planning to do forever and never did because I am always swallowed by messes, work, emails, and snacking. It took me 45 minutes and it gave me time to think about something other than food - I even did this project right in the kitchen with food and mess everywhere. It was a very satisfying accomplishment. I feel silly saying that, "Wow, good for me! I didn't eat way more than I needed to and I did an indulgent DIY project in the kitchen.," like that is something to be really proud of. However, I am proud of my awesome pillow cover! And for finding a way to calm my mind. So there it is. 

My food has been fantastic, but still nothing crazy. I have been adoring potatoes in every shape. I feel like I do better eating more carbs from potatoes and less dairy. I think overall my carb intake is slightly up and my protein intake is slightly down, and I am really trying to key in on fat. Last night I made pork tenderloin rolled in dijon mustard and herbs, cabbage cooked and then tossed with a little cold press olive oil, baked sweet potatoes and oven fries. 

This morning I had leftover sweet potato fried in ghee with mixed greens and some leftover tomato sauce. Then I cracked three eggs on top and ate it with half an avocado. Lunch was 3 hard boiled eggs with mayo, the leftover cabbage and a banana with almond butter. It feels wrong to be eating this much, but it does feel right too. Dinner will be swedish meat balls with mashed potatoes and green beans. Looking forward to dinner and maybe another project when the snack urge strikes again today. 


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11 hours ago, bumblebeebottle said:

It was a very satisfying accomplishment. I feel silly saying that, "Wow, good for me! I didn't eat way more than I needed to and I did an indulgent DIY project in the kitchen.," like that is something to be really proud of.

But it is something to be proud of! You recognized that you weren't really hungry - something that's hard to do for a lot of us - and chose to do something productive instead. Not only did you make something awesome, but you made a major step toward food freedom. Be proud!

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Valentine’s Day was a total whole30 success.

As for Wednesday ate a satisfying lunch – leftovers from last night: 4 swedish meatballs, sauce, mashed potatoes, squash and brussels sprouts. I was filled but not full. I drank water after but I desperately craved a coffee. A hot one, with cream in it. I know it is a sugar dragon type of thing even though I take my coffee unsweetened. I had a little aftertaste in my mouth and some hot creamy coffee would have taken it out. It would have comforted my soul. At work, in between tasks,  I look for things to do. Usually, I work from home and when I have a moment like this, I get up and read a book with my kids and come back. At work, I usually go grab a cup of coffee and it takes me to another place. This water I drank was fine. It was not too cold which is usually a problem for me. It tasted good. It had no taste. It felt really good in my mouth. 

Wednesday is a tough day for me, it is long. So I was prepared with a cherry pie larabar and I did eat that. Note to self, larabars are a waste and do nothing for me and this one didn't even taste good. I know many do taste good, but this one did not. My husband picked up chipotle for dinner and I stayed compliant. But I decided I was going to have a drink. Luckily, I didn't. But I spent a large part of Wednesday rationalizing a drink in my head. I told myself that I felt really good despite having a couple drinks over the weekend, and I know how to imbibe with out throwing myself off the rails. How this correlates to a Wednesday night drink, I do not know. I totally squashed all my thoughts about how awesome I will feel when I complete the 30 days, and how it is something I really want to do. 

I have a few uncomfortable feelings I am dealing with, we are selling our house this spring and have the chance to purchase my family home from my parents, which I want to do, but I am not sure it is the right thing to do. I am butting heads with my 5 year old. I am not happy with my career. My career is the main issue. My job is okay. I like the people I work with. I am not fulfilled by the position. I have great flexibility and I am home with my children very often - I only leave the house to work 2 days a week. I have always "said" I want to be a personal trainer, or teach fitness, or own a gym, but when it comes down to doing the work, I really don't want to do it. Which I know is fine, it is the first step in being honest with myself. But I have no clue where to go with any of my skills. I enjoy customer service and I enjoy business, but do I really have the time in energy to open my own business? And how do I have the time to learn anything when I have 3 young kids, I work, I am trying to keep up my house and pencil in time to relax or take care of myself. It is just really hard. I also refuse to incur any debt at this stage in my life. If I had a plan laid out for me I could follow it, but I don't even know where to start. A month ago I decided I should do a piyo training. Not because I want to teach piyo, but because it is something new and maybe it would open me up. The training is 10 days away and I just don't want to sign up. I don't want to go to the camp. I don't even like beachbody. I actually really despise a lot of the beachbody culture. I don't know why it appealed to me in the first place. I feel like I have no direction in my life and that is why whole30 is important to me this time because I have something in my hands, I have the plan, and I can stick with it. I have been at my job for almost 11 years and every year I decide it is time to move on. But to do what? 

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Unfortunately I fell off the wagon pretty hard this weekend. I am not sure a whole30 is right for me right now. I enjoy having a drink with my husband on the weekend. This weekend I had an opening where it would be easy to not drink. I was going to get through it without having a cocktail and just knowing I could get to day 14 without that temptation was giving me momentum. But, my oven broke. And I attempted to make pizza for my kids on the stovetop. And they hated it. So... I ate some. I can't bear to waste food. And after I ate the pizza, I had a piece of chocolate, and then on Sunday I had toast and some peanut butter, and of course the martini I skipped on Sunday. Monday was pretty off track too. So now I am starting Tuesday with my w30 compliant coffee just wondering if this is not the right time in my life to try to be 30-days-hardcore or to try to make steps towards food freedom - due to budget, stress, and having 3 small kids. However, the ONE drink on the weekend shouldn't interfere with my desire to get to 3 square meals and no snacks, eat mostly paleo and all non-processed foods. Maybe the whole30 is a little too strict for me right now and I need something more flexible so I don't feel like a complete failure when I go the slightest bit off track. I don't want to abandon my journal. I want to keep fighting. But do I have 30 straight days in me? Each time I have failed a whole30 in the past I just walked away and called it a day. I DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT THIS TIME. 

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This journal is really helpful. I am glad I got it out there about my whole30 failure and now I am craving the journal and all of its glory. I am not finding myself feeling sick from any of the crap I ate this weekend, just disappointed and a little defeated. My binge behavior surfaced. I didn't fight it at all.

My husband and I are in the process of preparing our house to sell - which is a large part of my stress and why I turned to food this weekend. We are in the phase of deciding how important public schools are in terms of home value. For instance, we could buy a beautiful spacious home in the town we are in now and the town I grew up in (from my parents), or we could buy a smaller fixer upper in a town with better performing schools for about 75-100k more. Our oldest child is in kindergarten already and is incredibly bright. She has been reading since she was 2 years, 9 months old. Though she is ready for second-grade level curriculum, she still enjoys kindergarten. The towns we want to move to are better ranked in terms of performance on standardized tests. The home values are higher. But, I also like to be financially wise and if we choose to stay in our current town, my husband and I will have a clear path to financial freedom: the ability to put a lot of money aside for all of our children to go to college/trade school/whatever they choose to get their career going, the additional money to choose private schools if we aren't happy with public schools or to pay for enrichment programs to support their interests and talents, the ability to save big for retirement and to own the home outright well before 30 years. The thing is, I don't want to skimp on the house if the difference in schools will make a difference to my children. But I am not convinced it will. In fact I feel more money in our pockets may be better than paying a ton for the schools. This is a very difficult decision.

My whole30 food for the day: coffee w/ nutpod creamer, 3 eggs fried in ghee with brussel sprouts, banana and almond butter. Lunch: chicken salad (homemade mayo) on salad with lettuce, walnuts, radish, cuke, green grapes, 100 oz water. Dinner: crock pot pot roast with potatoes, carrots, onions and green beans. I refuse to snack today even if I a hungry. I will have plain herbal iced tea to support my water goal. 

Behavior I will use to today to avoid snacking and remove stress: coloring / drawing

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I think part of my reason for self-sabotage is because I don't have anyone to go boast to when I have NSVs. Like: yay! I didn't snack. Yay! I didn't drink this weekend! Yay! I am awesome. However, I don't want to glorify food choices good or bad. I have this thing against social media and food photos (I have taken food photos, but only to connect with people with my goals and I never succeeded). I don't enjoy selfies. I don't really care when others do it, but I feel a'fool taking a photo of myself unless my kids are with me. I think a large part of it is because I used to glorify my gym attendance and post about it on social media. I was so proud of myself for waking up early and getting to the gym or getting in a super tough workout or for doing 75 minutes on the Arc Trainer. On top of it I was totally addicted to people telling me how awesome and committed I was to be "so good." Now on the other side of having children I have come to realize that all the time and energy I spent being a hero in the gym has greatly contributed to my weaknesses now. I resent that and I resent people who can still push it at the gym after kids. I have educated myself and know that I shouldn't punish my body to look a certain way. That fitness and health have nothing to do with each other. But because I understand it, doesn't mean I wouldn't love to be able to do jumping jacks and kickboxing with wild abandon. 

Anyways, I want to get food and movement choices to just be a part of life. I don't want them to define me. BUT I also need a cheerleader.

Maybe I can't do a whole30 right now because technically I don't want to because technically I want to have a drink with my husband once a week. But what if I decide I want to eat whole30 and but only drink every-other weekend instead of every weekend. And have that habit stick and then maybe change it up to drinking once a month. And once I am set with that, maybe I will do a whole30 with no alcohol and then work it back into my lifestyle once a week again. My husband is fine, he would support me. But I want someone to be excited for me and to pump me up and convince me it is a simple thing to do and I don't need willpower to do it - I just need to do it! 

This afternoon I am so well fed, I definitely don't need a snack before dinner and I ate lunch at 11am. I only thought about snacking because it is my habit. I pick up kids from school/day care, and come home and have a snack. The fact that I don't need to worry about a snack today (or worry about making dinner because of the crock pot) frees up a lot of room for writing and drawing. Things that I never had time to do when I was obsessed with food. Things that I can do along side my children as they express themselves through art. 

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  • 2 months later...

I am back at it again, fully committed to whole30 and now I am on Day 3 and something has finallly shifted in my mentality. I have approached this one in order to get-right instead of lose weight. Clearly I need a reset. I am now looking at it as something that is longer than 30 days, but only 30 days of it do I have to say no to wine or martinis. Last night I dreamed that I was popping pretzels and corn kernels in my mouth without thinking and being so upset how I so mindlessly derailed my whole30. I woke up 3 times because of this. While I am trying to give up snacking, I am allowing myself a mini-meal if I am hungry. I am not stressing about that. The main point is to free myself of popping pretzels in my mouth and licking peanut butter knives.

 Food today (purposely not eating nuts or fruit today)

B: cauliflower/broc/carrot mix with ground beef, 1/4 avocado, a small amount of sweet potato and about tsp ghee

L: 3 hard boiled eggs chopped up with cooked cauliflower with homemade mayo and dijon mustard

D: whole roasted chicken with beets, green beans and roasted potatoes and carrots

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Today is Day 11 and I am not feeling enthused. As much as I say this isn't about weight loss, I feel as thick as ever and I feel as though I am over eating. Does stopping when satisfied instead of overdoing ever happen naturally or is this something I need to force myself to do. Will I ever really forget to eat? I know I'm eating enough. I am following the template for the most part. If I have a snack it is between lunch and dinner and it's because I wake up at 430 and east at 630, 1130 and sometimes again not until 6-630. I know Day 10 & 11 and be the hardest. I have no reason or desire to quit. I just am wondering if I need to add that next component but limiting strarchy vegetables to this to really push myself to get more out of this. I have 20 days left, I can do this. I just need to make it happen. 

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  • 7 months later...

Oh bumblebeebottle, the struggle continues! The good news, is I have maintained the same weight range all year, but I have lacked commitment and progress. However, it has been one of my more stressful years, so I am considering it a success. Lately I have been eating dairy and attempting keto and again had a wake up call that keto doesn't work for me.  I use keto as a license to gorge on dairy. I hate tracking food. I HATE IT so I start out doing it and then never continue. I am gearing myself up for another whole30 in January... totally cliche, My husband and I have been in a honeymoon phase for the past few months. Not sure why, but not complaining. So we enjoy having indulgences together and in general I don't go overboard. But this weight came from somewhere. My next whole30 will include nut butter/seeds only as garnish to meals. After my whole30, I hope to maintain eating 3 solid meals today with minimal snacks, having 2-3 glasses of wine per week, and being able to dine out without guilt. Also kicking the dunkin donuts habit will be great! 

Biggest obstacles: eating between meals (IE nuts and nut butters), red wine/martinis on weekends, obsessing about weight, waking early (430am) makes following the 1-hour after waking rule almost impossible if I want to stick to 3 meals a day. 

What I want to achieve:

  • get over my current TMJD flare... my TMJD is a wild, flaring beast. I have a displaced disc. I'm hoping to use the month to focus on calming down the TMJD using the soft foods, relaxing before bed, stretching and working on flexibility and committing to a self-treatment. 
  • Getting my kids off grains and in a consistent routine of mineral and probiotic supplementation
  • detox... 
  • gradually wean myself to decaf-only coffee... this may take the whole month

I will be eating:

  • a lot of egg and chicken salad - homemade mayo and finely grated celery/onions/carrots
  • soups
  • well cooked veggies
  • slow cooked meats
  • occasional potatoes...

Supplementing: tumeric (anti-inflammatory), magnesium - natural calm + doctor's best, Light Light Fulvic Acid Mineral Blend, Dandelion/Nettles tea, homemade vegetable broth

Self-care: drink 100+ oz of water per day, floss daily, oil pull regularly, magnesium creams/foot soaks, stretching and relaxing before bed, continuing workout plan, asking for help, seeking chiropractic for additional help with my jaw (currently seeing occupational therapist)

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  • 4 weeks later...

Even though my past whole30s haven't been totally successful I enjoy reading my entries. Sometimes I have really good focus. 

I am actually realizing this is my first whole30 because I weighed myself in my first one. Day 5 and I am doing pretty well, but I feel hungry and fluffy. I am snowed in with my kids for the second day now, and I'm realizing the rage I experienced yesterday was actually not due to my cycle, but because I am doing the whole30. Duh! I ate too much volume yesterday, boredom and hunger but a lot of food! Visiting the journal helps, a lot. I looked at my Lindt 90 a couple of times yesterday, but I didn't eat it. I should hide that.

Just going over what I want to achieve on my whole30 and I'm coming up a little bit short in the self care department, so I will focus on that today. 

I made some good food this week - egg roll in a bowl, and a spaghetti squash/coconut milk/sausage/mushroom casserole, a ribeye steak last night, eggs with greens every day. I am going to make meatballs and marinara sauce tonight. I'll eat it over zucchini and hopefully there will be plenty of leftovers. I've been getting a lot of greens in and mixed greens seem to not be bothering my jaw. I have been dumping hot food over the greens which seems to wilt them and make them easier to chew. I also made dump ranch yesterday. It is good but a little too sweet/coconutty for me, I think I need to add more mayo. So going into the weekend and getting ready for week 2 I want to choose two new recipes to try. I'm going to Aldi for food. Instead of treating myself to wine or a martini this weekend, I am treating myself to relaxation and really good sleep. 

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