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I'm a raw nerve


Noboru

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I'm on something like day 29 or 29, so the end is in sight. It's been a rather stressful month with lots of work and a steep learning curve in a relatively new job. Somewhere between that and the black coffee and the absence of calming glasses of wine on friday nights or nibbles of fresh hot bread over dinner (I bake; the bread is gorgeous), I find that everything feels pretty harsh, as if there are no soft edges. Meat and veggies, veggies and meat, a few hazelnuts, a few sweet potatoes. I've been crying a lot; my boyfriend have had some epic fights. He doesn't want me to do this ever again, not this strictly. He said it was disturbing to see how pinched and stern I look these days (I think I've lost a lot of weight for the given amount of time).

I'm eating enough. I'm eating a diverse diet. Not hungry. I cook a lot. I can't figure out why everything just feels harsh these days without the added softness of a little bit of milk in my coffee or a sip of wine once a week. We went to a Greek place Friday night and I had my soda water, grilled lamb shish, the veggie bits of a Greek salad, a garlicky eggplant dish and some roasted red pepper in olive oil-- lovely things-- but felt like crying because his feta looked lovely, as did the bread and tzatziki and wine. Not that I craved those things (I wasn't tempted, weirdly enough) but I hated how my dinner options felt so stark and harsh.

I've never been a sugar addict, I drank moderately, never binged or had food issues. Not sure what's wrong.

I was thinking of doing Whole 30 during the week after I finish, with a moderately more open weekend option (a glass of wine, a piece of bread, etc).

Is this crazy? Am I crazy?

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What were your goals for doing a Whole30? You say you lost "a lot of weight". Are you sure you were eating enough? Your month sounds more typical of someone who was starving themselves. No, you are not crazy. :) Eating well for 5 days and off roading on the weekends would be your choice and better than eating like crap all the time DEFINITELY!

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My goal was to get my head cleared up (was foggy), to get a bit less bloated, to sleep better (tend to be insomniac), to generally feel better. I think I may have lost about 5kg in a month, judging by the fit of my clothes (my face loses weight first, every time). I'm sure a lot of it was water weight as I had gained 3kg on a 5 day holiday in Hong Kong right before I started the month. So technically I have only lost about 2-3 kg from my usual weight. Definitely not starving as haven't changed how much i eat and haven't felt at all hungry.

I am sleeping better, which is great. Still a bit foggy. Not bloated at all. Yay! Just feel a bit rough emotionally.

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Is this crazy? Am I crazy?

No you're not crazy at all. Our society uses food for so much more than just fuel. We use it as a comfort and as a reward. When I was a small child, if I fell and hurt my knee or was upset about anything my mother would deal with it, cuddle me and try to cheer me up by saying 'Come on, I'll give you a piece of cake (or a biscuit or sweet or some other food related treat) that'll make you feel better'. If I had to do something I didn't want to do, like get an injection at the doctor or, ironically, visit the dentist, I would be promised a bar of chocolate or sweets after it.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who went through something like this. The result is that, as an adult, I've spent years battling the feeling that when things, go wrong, when they're unpleasant, when I'm stressed, I automatically feel I 'deserve' a reward, a treat, something soothing and comforting. I think I ate my weight in chocolate during my first divorce.

Now, of course, it's not really the food any of us want, it's the comfort, the reward, the feeling that everything will be OK, things will get better. During my divorce, I didn't really want chocolate, I wanted to be comforted, for everything to stop hurting and be OK again. My brain, however, tied this all up with eating chocolate because that's what I got as a child.

Now you've been through an incredibly stressful month at work - exactly the time when you want things soft and comforting, like milk in your coffee, good bread and a glass of wine. Instead, you've eaten a really healthy diet which, physically will be great for you, but it sounds as though you're brain hasn't quite caught up and, understandably, wants a bit of pampering to make up for the stress. So it's trying to convince you that this diet is 'harsh' and it want's comfort foods.

The funny thing is it's sticking to a W30, I'm actually on day 56 (I have lots of other health issues) which has let me see really clearly the warped relationship with food that I've previously had. I'm not saying you have to keep it up longer, only you can decide what's best for you. Congratulations though, on sticking to it in obviously difficult circumstances and I really hope you feel better soon.

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I had a very similar experience during my first Whole30 - my negativity and rawness was disturbing to both me AND my incredibly sweet and supportive boyfriend. When I wrapped up my Whole30, I was disappointed in how I felt. For the first few days after finishing, I pretty much ate the same food except I added more starchy veggies - sweet potatoes and squash. I ate some starch veg with each meal and I felt like a different person. I was optimistic, energized, happy and loving again. It was almost freaky how different I felt. My boyfriend noticed immediately. I'm not sure if it's appropriate to encourage you to add starchy veggies to each meal while doing a Whole30 - but I can't help sharing this insight with you since I see so many similarities between our experiences. I'm finishing up my 2nd Whole30 now - except this time, I've had sweet potato with every breakfast - and usually a starchy veg with lunch or dinner each day. I've felt much better this time around. I've experienced some great benefits. Perhaps you should give this a try for the next few days to see if it makes a difference to you.

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Kirsteen, Jillian, thank you! Although I think Jillian's comments might be more a propos what I'm dealing with (my family was never big on food as a reward/consolation, so I'm more inclined to get a massage or take a nap when stressed/celebrating), I think both are spot on. I do know that when I was a kid, doctors thought I was hypoglycemic because I tended to crash without, say, a handful of grapes or a few crackers. My mother always made sure that she handed me a small starchy snack when picking me up from school, otherwise I'd likely spend the ride home sobbing or fuming over nothing. It was pretty weird how just half a banana could restore my sanity. For the record, diabetes runs very strong in my family (mother, uncle, grandfather, etc, etc, and my mother had gestational diabetes with me) so growing up my diet was carefully monitored for blood sugar levels, just in case, and I was actually put on a number of elimination diets very similar to the Whole 30. I remember doing one for a few months when I was 9 and having similar feelings of rawness.

I really wish I understood how it all worked, because my body generally really likes the Whole 30 but my emotions don't. I've had to add a bit of banana and sweet potato (not even when exercising, which I haven't been able to do much of due to work-- luckily we have to walk everywhere here) just to even out a bit and not feel so bleak and sad. I'm tired of sobbing irrationally.

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You may want to read Dr. Kathleen DesMaisons, Potatoes Not Prozac - the first chunk of the book really helped me understand how food and blood sugar levels affect mood. When she first started advocating this way of eating, she recommended almost no starchy veggies. She quickly learned that this was not optimal for most of her clients. I'm not saying that everyone needs starchy veggies - just that some people do. She encourages folks to eat 3 meals a day (eventually without snacking), plenty of whole foods and fat, no sugar or refined grains, and a good size portion of protein at every meal. I think her work complements the Whole30's goals. It's worth a read.

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