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This Is It


RebAnn

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Ok so this is it! Whole 30 begins (7/13/17) and not super excited or hopeful. No real feelings just know this is something I have to do. This is not going to be a pretty read or a formal forum by any means....but just me and my thoughts and feelings and daily food log.  I do need and like structure and recording here is better than a calorie counting app because that's the last thing I need. And I am not weighing or measuring myself before either. Because this not about food or weight. It never has been. Those are symptoms of something greater going on inside. And as I was laying in bed thinking of today whatever those needs or feelings are they deserve to be filled to be taken care of...they are ok to have. Just filling them with food is not the best thing....actually there is no benefit to that. So why would I do something if it does not benefit me? "I am immeasurably worthy, and I am worthy of love" is posted around my house on many post its and will speak this over myself to remind me of who I am. "If you are kind to yourself, you will start to believe it"- I believe this quote and I like it. 

The day 1 email for whole 30 reads "is this the first day of the rest of your life" Yes...yes it is. Could this be it? That brings me hope!! And not because Whole 30 is the answer to my food issues and thinking I will be happy when thinner but for FREEDOM. Free from using food to feed loneliness or some other emotion and abuse my body for making bad choices. Whole 30 is not the answer. It is just a tool or piece in this journey. 

So this is for me to write out feelings and log my meals but if you happen to still be reading this thanks and it is going to get real and raw. I know because I have been around this mountain of starting and then getting frustrated at having the feelings and emotions and caving in. But like I said it is ok to have those feelings and they deserve to be acknowledged and filled. 

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Breakfast- field greens, ground turkey, 1/4 avocado, red bell pepper, red onion, brain octane oil, apple cider vinegar (was hungry and ended satisfied but when took meal prep food out of oven was snacking on chix and turkey and thought about it and kept doing it....but stopped. Old habit?)

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Dinner- field greens, chopped carrots little avocado, red onion, pepper, turkey breast, olive oil and lemon juice

Have a bit of a headache. But am at peace with a successful day 1. Ready for day 2!

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Day 2! Done and successful! Morning began with not so nice thoughts about myself but literally said out loud "no" and declared "my worth is immeasurable, and I am worthy of love" and thought on that. The thoughts seem to be there no matter what....I don't love it when I am sitting,  looking in the mirror, feeling thighs rub together, running, or just walking around the house sweating. I think "well when you were thin you didn't feel like this or you blew it and gained it back" But as I am writing this I am thinking "I didn't blow anything". I am right where I am suppose to be. i was not whole then, I just controlled my eating really well, worked out a lot because I loved my new gym and had an on and off boyfriend....so he prob full filled (in an unhealthy way) feelings I was trying to numb. Control- key word. Not Freedom. Hmmmmm....good thoughts there.

I am hiding out more at home though- not wanting to be around people. Ashamed of gaining weight, not having as many clothes to wear because they don't fit, thinking they will see me and think whoa she gained weight. Get over it Rebecca people are not caring about that and thinking that. LOL. Most ppl are too concerned with themselves and I know my close friends don't care they freaking love me and think the world of me. OMG and Amanda's gift to me! Kept thinking all day, WOW! she really believes in me to invest that much....I am important. 

Well I am going to bed with a very minimal headache that went away after my hour nap this afternoon...prob why I am still up! But also going to bed feeling good about my day overall. Grateful for a fan blowing on me (its muggy), a beautiful evening run, La Croix water, Grace and empowerment, having more hope today than yesterday.

Breakfast- chicken, field greens, avocado, green beans

Lunch- banana and then some chicken (at two different times)

Dinner- sweet pot, ground turkey, avocado 

Reminder to self- need to prep more green veggies.

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Day 3 successfully done and with so much gratitude, GRACE (word of the journey for me) and joy! I left home this morning with so much peace and gladness. I was OK with me (exhale) and if everyday could be like this.... i did start the day with meditation and some scripture and when I do, it makes a difference. 

I had the pleasure of having coffee with my dad this afternoon and listening to old stories (most that I have heard before) from his childhood and early twenties. He exudes a joy when he talks about these times that he doesn't at any other time. We have come a long way....and still in progress. But think we will always be progress and that's ok.

Breakfast- ground beef, broccoli and avocado.

*In the late morning got hungry and it felt good to experience true hunger and it be ok not have to eat....i can wait I said. Didn't think I wouldn't get home to dinner time. But success!

No lunch- due to schedule today

Dinner-turkey breast, broccoli, sweet pot, drizzled with coconut oil. (Had some more broccoli and ground beef an hour or so later....thought I was hungry but not sure if it was just in my head.... the fact I didn't eat lunch or figured i was going running so was ok to have a bit more) and trying not focus on this but on all the positive there was today....i tend to think if it wasn't perfect it wasn't successful.  Actually there is a lot of positive in everyday it's just if we perceive it.

Ended day with a run and writing this. And excited about life tomorrow. Hope is always the goal! No matter what a day looks like there is always hope...some days it's just easier to recognize than others. Let me remember this day when it's tough.

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Day 4.... success! It's amazing what a shower, makeup and Jesus can do for your attitude. Ha! My morning...woke really early and was hungry. Ligit hungry. Ate at 5am (don't think I've ever done that), packed a bit more due to some anxiousness of getting down to the wire, Sat down to read and ....fell asleep. Woke up ran 2 miles and the whole run I felt guilty for not mediating first thing this morn and was anxious about my going away dinner tomorrow and party in 3 weeks. Basically about what will I eat or not eat tomorrow and now have to tell the other group I don't want wings. Your getting stuck in people pleasing Rebecca. Breathe. But stopped myself...got home showed put on some makeup and went to church (Some days ya need it more than others!) 

But overall was a good day....grad party (Had no temptation for food. WIN!) and walked along the water with an old friend just chatting and reminiscing and laughing.

I love days that feel long and fulfilling and days you don't want to end. This was today. 

Breakfast- ground beef, spinach and kale

Grabbed 1/2 banana late morn on the way out the door (did I need this?)

Lunch-chicken, sweet pot, spin and kale (packed up this morn and ate in car on way to grad party from church)

Dinner- ground beef, spin and kale, 1/2 banana (went back later and had more ground beef with coconut oil and hot sauce....again don't think I needed this but love hot sauce and coconut oil. Yum!)

Maybe TMI here....but finally went #2! Since Wednesday and today's Sunday! Thank you Jesus....litterally!

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Day 5 done! And today felt long and I realized a couple things. The struggle is real BUT so is victory!! Keep this up. Freedom is promised if we don't quit. And that my eating today was sporadic and basically grazed not really knowing if I was hungry or not and out of habit kept snacking. So....even though I make a lot of food to meal prep. I need to portion it out and sit and eat 3 times a day. The snacking and grazing messes with my natural hunger I think. And I had a going away dinner at a friends and was compliant. Woohoo! I really did not want dessert....but the salad looked inviting (but had goat cheese, sunflower seeds prob with some type of oil on them ) I did pick out some raw almonds and added them to zucchini and chicken (that hostess cooked separately for me from her main dish) :)

And enjoyed sitting by the creek after lunch with a friend, with out feet in the water and the sun shining down on us...with birds and a slight breeze. Was beautiful. 

Wins 1) Drank more water 2) Laughed really hard playing games after dinner 3) my hair and lipstick was on point 4) enjoyed nature this afternoon 5) made 2 pies without licking fingers

Improvements 1) Portion out meals 2) cook more veggies ahead of time 3) create to do lists 

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Day 6 successful! Slept in...got the amount I needed to feel my best and no regrets. Ran 5 miles. Wrote a to do list and got stuff done ! Feeling accomplished. 

Still snacked in the afternoon and dinner time so did not really eat a meal. I did for breakfast and lunch and big win.... I did not eat any of it while prepping or reheating it. Bad habit of that!

Thoughts are good...been positively declaring more myself

Wins 1) Did not eat while heating up meals 2) ate more veggies today 3) good run

Improvements 1) no social media in the evening (lets say after 6pm) 2) eat three meals and minimize the snacking and really do have to portion them out i am finding 3) go over Sunday's notes and write out my declarations that I am often thinking about doing just keep procrastinating. 

Breakfast and lunch same meal- chicken, sweet pot, green beans heated up in coconut oil and some sauteed onions and garlic in breakfast. 

Dinner- sweet pot and chix with coconut oil.

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Day 7 Done! 

Wins- great day and time spent with my dad, no charge for work done on car at dealer PTL, did not snack when kind of hungry when i got home in afternoon. That is my time i noticed i snack...before dinner. Cleaned, napped and read for that hour a half or so before heating up and eating dinner. 

Improvements- making food ahead of time and at some after dinner, writing lists of things to be done, be more on top of dishes.

 

Breakfast- chicken, broccoli and half avocado

Lunch- at Chiptole  (lettuce, mild and hot salsa, guac and carnitas)

Dinner- chicken, sweet pot, broccoli, onion....and ate some ground beef i cooked after dinner.

10pm was hungry and ate broccoli and little of ground beef i made earlier..... and tummy is a little grumbling a bit now still. And I am super awake....Why?  Hmmmm....

 

Making progress for sure in thought life and speaking only positive things over myself. Might think differently than that but been more and more speaking a positive when I think a negative.

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Day 8. Do i have to stay positive writing this....well no because this is my outlet. But that wont make me feel better so wins first

Wins- completed day 8, went to the gym this morning, car passed inspection after previously failing (phew that is all done), wrote a to do list, did not by almond butter or mac nuts! Go me! Not letting go of the past 7 DAYS and choosing to focus on the positives and not the one HOUR of negative today. 

GET PERSPECTIVE! 

improvements- checking phone in car, stay focused on to do list, and food prep...please do this last one tomorrow for your sanity Rebecca 

Well I ate a lot for my second meal...a pound of ground beef. Yup! Put some on salad and then went back and kept snacking on it with some coconut oil and hot sauce and then with some broccoli too. Did not eat dinner. But did not full stuffed but could have beat myself up for doing this. Even thought during "Why am i doing this?" I did not pause for an answer. I was hungry. But not for food. Days 8 and 9 of any plan i begin are the hardest for me...I start to want to eat more for comfort because maybe the emptiness is not getting filled by sugary and carb snacks?

I get frustrated with myself that I don't know better or that i get the feeling to want to eat and then punish myself by eating. This.is.dumb. And I am not dumb. I don't even know what normal portions are for only 3 meals a day!! So am I hungry? I would eat fish and beans...maybe no because hungry but just because I think I am and want food. 

I have a fear...that at the end I will not have lost weight and will be disappointed with myself that I did not do my best (like what happened today). So what do I want the end to look like??? Eating 3 meals a day, with hunger to make me want to eat the next meal (and not to be thinking about my next meal when I am done with that one), lose a few pounds, less bloating and constipation (so far that is not occurring), skin even clearer, stronger nails, better sleep, be kinder to myself and believe in myself that I did it, that I didnt die, and that is not the end but just the beginning and that is okay. You did not develop these habits in a week and they are not going to be gone in a week. GRACE!

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Don't beat yourself up for eating. Maybe you were hungry -- there are days where we just need more food. If you're in the week or so leading up to your period, it's especially common to need more, but even at other times, our bodies are not machines that use set amounts of calories each day, it varies based on all kinds of things like activity levels and hormones and stress and even how much you've slept. It's okay to eat as much as you need to eat, even if it seems like a lot. Even if you weren't hungry, if it was emotional eating, still don't beat yourself up. That is a habit that is really hard to break. All you can do is pay attention and try to do better next time.

It's normal when you're doing Whole30 or making any other big change in your life to be worried about it. Try to relax and just do your best to follow the meal template. Be sure you're adding fat to each meal, in addition to the fat you cook in -- that will help keep you full between meals. Drinking lots of water (at least 1/2 oz per pound of body weight, so if you weigh 120 lbs, at least 60 oz) and eating plenty of vegetables will help with constipation. Days 8-9 are still early enough in the process that bloating is pretty normal. Hopefully you'll start seeing some improvement in that over the next week.

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Wins- did dishes asap this morn, did good at sprints this morn at gym, have tracked on here now each day.

Improvements- do more off to do list for tomorrow (important stuff first), eat 3 meals only, *come on here and write it before I bite it*

sigh....today was good....then bad....then great...and then ugh... have to laugh a little at today. Just a roller coaster of emotions and ended the day snacking on sweet pot as I was dividing them up into containers, and then ate some chicken just because....was not hungry the whole time thinking "I don't even want this why am I doing this?" There are other times I think of food and choose not to go eat it. But more easily remember the times I do. Just aggravated with me and feelings I have. Still bloated and distended and feel puffy in face even. Still have inflammation going on...just not sure from what exactly. Maybe it was the little bit of almonds or the coffee the other morn or the vinegar in the greek dressing? Or something else I should possibly avoid. Maybe from eating too much food...But I do HATE this feeling. Or maybe just my body getting used to more veggies

But started listening to Food Freedom Forever....It is and will be a cycle of food freedom, falling off and then resetting. And maybe that is what I have been doing all along? I know how to eat clean and what to eat but then would "blow it" and feel shame and sometimes keep eating to try to comfort or punish myself because of "blowing it". And then do my own reset and so on. But what has been created in years will not be undone in 30 days let alone this past week. Again GRACE. And every step is one forward in my progress. And not progress toward perfection but progress toward freedom.

Breakfast- ground turkey, avocado, lettuce, primal kitchen greek dressing, peppers, onions, mushrooms

snack- banana and a fig....did not really want or need 

lunch- haddock and asparagus

dinner- chicken, lettuce, tomato, peppers, onions, primal kitchen greek dressing, sweet potato

and then the chicken and sweet pots.....did not really want or need either

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So Day 10 morning...or is it 11. Prob a good thing when you cannot recall :)

 

Woke up annoyed and bloated. Mediated, received and prayed....and hungry but that happens if I eat late or before bed. Didn't eat, was more at peace and went to the gym and soon off to a fun local 5k. Debated on eating some almond butter and banana but do I want it for fuel? Or because I need fuel for the run? And being real...I prob don't because did extra sweet pot last night. Ive run half marathons and been fine. And a banana and Alm would be like a treat for me....esp if I ate lower carb after a few days....and think I just answered my question. I see a banana and almond butter as a treat or reward. I want it because I think I can have it because of burning extra calories today. Wow! Maybe thinking and typing out why I want something has some power in it.

I have had such an unhealthy relationship with food I am struggling with the why's. Why do I want that? Do I need that? If I choose not to have it I feel this sense of goodness from will power and strength.

I guess this is all normal and again GRACE. 

Today is going to me an awesome and fully aware day!

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Annoyed. Bloated. Still have not eaten breakfast...kind of hungry. It comes and goes in waves. But post 5k had BCAAs, L-glutamine, and collagen. Bloated. The collagen? Really?...Like Really? Is there something else in there... a filler not labeled to make it the powder consistency? Just thought of this because feel this has happened before a couple times. Or does it just trigger whatever is already going on in there. The real question....Why does this bother me so bad and why am I so focused on it? Why does it identify me? It is was triggers me to go eat whatever because I feel like what I am doing to try and help it isn't working. So who cares...go comfort with food. Give.this.time! Patience. I thought I was a patient person.I can wait in traffic, lines, I am not a hurry up kind of person....until this. 20+ years cannot be figured out and undone in a day, a week or a month....but it will not take another 20 to "undo". Again GRACE.

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So I'm good. And day 11 success...I think it's day 11. 

The bloating went down and i tossed tha bag of collagen! And the book food freedom forever is def resonating with me. I do enjoy not counting calories, and weighing food. When i finish this it will be the first time I have stuck with a plan! Just thought of tbat today and already proud of that. I've always cheated a bit or rewarded self at end.

This is is not well just eat less of this or only eat this much carbs so this healthy dessert, I'll just count towards that. And being aware of mine own triggers of even compliant food, almond butter and thinking sweet pot. I could just keep eating them. It takes a little control. But not sure if that's just me controlling and the only carb I'm really eating. So let's see on this one.

Again GRACE

Wins- content and happy as I type this, grad party for a fave student, ran a 5k, watched a TED talk.

Improvements- less social media (need a self guideline for this of sort), more conscious thinking when going to eat (why am I eating and why am choosing this to eat?), call Tommy again and do not procrastinate this

Breakfast- arugula, ground Turkey, avocado, primal greek dressing, tomato, carrot, red pepper.

Lunch- ground turkey and sweet pot

Lunch 2 (yes ate a little bit early and then ate again....still considered snacking I think)-arugula, ground Turkey, sweet pot, Greek dressing

Dinner- 2 epic bars

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wins- discovered coffee is giving me slight headaches, did dishes before bed, ate my salad in between talking with the lady across from me at baby shower today was conscious that I used to try and eat and listen. 

improvements- to do list, write a list of sub for emotional eating...or I could list some now I guess (come and type about emotions, walk get out of house), read for 15 min tomorrow

Breakfast- sweet pot, ground turkey, greek dressing, green beans....but didn't have any fat and was hungry soon after and within a couple hours.

Lunch- dry green salad, grilled ck breast, zucchini, squash and carrots (at baby shower).... and was hungry a couple hours later

Dinner- chix, avocado, bell pepper and then more chix, green beans, kale and spinach, sweet pot. 

....then had some blueberries and a couple grapes at the party and then came home at ate more meat and sweet pot and nuts.... at this point wanted to eat non compliant foods and throw in the towel because I was eating just to eat. So just over ate compliant foods.... all for the wrong reasons. As listening to food freedom forever I feel a bit normal. Yup, I would eat something I shouldn't and then punish myself and think well mind as well keep going, I just blew it with this.... I think I believe I should know better by now so why do I keep screwing up? Even when I eat healthy foods that randomly cause an adverse reaction in me I think I deserve punishment because I was "bad" and prob should know by now. Or after eating and knowing I wasn't really hungry, I am even finding myself doing the same thing now... just go and overeat compliant foods. 

***Things I discovered today.... 

1) Eating compliant foods is not the hard part.... EATING ONLY THREE MEALS A DAY...with all food on the plate sitting at a table is my struggle. These are the types of goals I needed to set. It is not so much the elimination of foods as it is the emotional ties I have with it.

2) Coffee or caffeine is not my friend. Had a slight headache after a sip or two of coffee today and the same thing happened Thursday morn. I rarely drink it only if wanting a some (have food freedom with black coffee. Win!) But today really recognized it. Craved and had organic black decaf pre Whole30 and no headache after.

3) Nightshades might be a problem. I have noticed time to time with tomatoes sauce some issues, I avoid eggplant, and I eat a lot of cumin and cayenne and bell peppers often. This could the bloating problem and inflammation I am still feeling too. Today is the day I tossed the tomato and spices in fridge. This gave me a bit of anxiety and wonder if that is what caused me to eat emotionally later???  

4) Sweet pot are kryponite and I cannot stop eating them if they are around. I might have to bake as I go with these guys.... Hmmmm maybe it is what I have to do with all my meals??? It is easier to go and snack when it is made already. And I might appreciate it more because I am taking the time to make it.  Start making it when I get hungry...not go and eat as soon as I am. Wow! Think I just discovered something here.  

5) Eat a fat at breakfast (see break day above) 

6) "I am more than the results of my struggle"  Loved this quote from the book. Where I am now is a result of my struggles and I am more than this! Much more. And it will be a life long process of reintroducing foods and observing the possible effects and it is ok if there is an adverse reaction during reintroduction...that is not a reason to "beat yourself up" for thinking you should know better. again GRACE

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Woke up with 2 thoughts on Day 12

I keep wanting to get back to where I was (what I looked like) a year and half ago....but what do I want to look like (spiritually, phyically and emotionally) in a year a half from now? I am a whole being, not just a body.

Eat for your future and not from your past.

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Breakfast- 5oz turkey, avocado, Greek dressing, and arugula. Weighed out meat. I don't think my portions have been adequate size.

Was just thinking about food an how easy it would be to snack but no hungry and it would be out of habit. And got a little nervous about something for a sec and thought about snacking. First time I really noticed that. Win. :)

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Lunch- sauteed mushrooms, onions and garlic, chicken, avocado, and green beans.

Made food...took couple bites. Wasn't really hungry anymore. Set aside and went back later and ate. And just now had some green beans. If I would have waited prob til now, I would have been hungry enough to eat all at once.

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Dinner- chicken and Turkey, avocado, arugula, red onion, coconut oil

Did have some zucchini in between lunch and dinner. My body is used to 3 med sized meals and 2 snacks and eating very few hours.

 

Wins- just spending time with best friend and chatting, was productive in getting the sale sent out today, less social media today.

Improvements- drink more water, run or gym tomorrow, written to do list 

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day 13 success!

wins- def better when i make my food before a meal and not prep ahead (could not go back to the fridge for any), wrote to do list, good arm day at the gym!

improvements- this actually is harder than previous days to think of stuff so that's a plus....read for 15 min minimum, do not have to respond right away to texts, call rather than respond via text next time you think that is the better option to avoid awkwardness.

breakfast- tuna, carrots, avocado, onions, coconut oil, arugula, and canned pumpkin (ate that separately)

snack- cooked zucchini

lunch- ground bison, kale and spin, onion, mushrooms, 

snack- raspberries

dinner- same as lunch with the addition of some canned pumpkin.

little bloated after lunch and no nightshades or nuts....but did have them both two days ago so give time to get fully out of system

and yup had two little snacks...not sweating it. the raspberries were before the gym and the zucchini was before I left to run some errands and stopping at parents where I did not want to be hungry. 

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