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Binge eating and re-starting Whole30


5280sarah

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Gah getting some anxiety after a stressful afternoon. I am going to do my weekly grocery shopping and the last time I went was when I had the impulsive binge so I think I’m just nervous because of the memory of it. But I’m just taking some deep breaths, reminding myself I just ate and I’m not hungry for anything else, and I need to find another outlet for my stress and anxiety right now. I think on my drive I may listen to a meditation from “headspace” since I got a free 30 day trial from amazon. Have you guys ever tried it? I’m trying to use some of their techniques to be more aware of my breath and where I’m feeling the stress in my body and how to relieve it. Not sure if meditating while driving is safe or possible, but I’m going for it! It’s actually a pretty awesome meditation website from what I have tried so far (only a few times). But I don’t really want to pay for it monthly so I’m trying to just write down a lot of the strategies they talk about so I can continue trying it on my own. At the moment, the breathing patterns are really helping. (Like you said @hmg1993 they have very similar ones) 

I don’t think I ever mentioned but ever since my bingeing got out of control, I developed chronic anxiety. And not just with food. It spread to social situations, work, daily life, everything. It’s way better in the past year since I’ve been actively working on it, but i think it’s a huge reason why I get the cravings sometimes. So I’m just breathing. And focusing.... And buying Kale. And not even looking at the snack isle. 

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Breathe! You’ve got this! History does not predict the present or future. You are clearly fabulous. Shop, find something that you want for dinner, and then go home and relax!  I truly believe the binging and anxiety are partners in crime. I get super anxious too. I find Holy Basil helps

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So ready for tomorrow's extra hour's sleep! Today's food was:

Leftover veggies from last night's sheet pan dinner with two poached eggs

Large salad with chicken, arugula, avocado, sweet potato, carrots, tomato and cucumber

Then onto the fancy dinner.  Normally this would stress me out and I would be obsessing about calories and bad versus good foods.  It was a chef's tasting so I decided instead to go with the flow knowing that tomorrow I would be back to my way of eating.  Rather than feeling guilty about each course I decided to enjoy and taste them.  Right down to the raspberry souffle.  But, unlike previous times , my brain did not respond to the rally cry f "you've ruined everything, why not stop at CVS for chocolate or ice cream", I enjoyed every bite and am now home with my peppermint tea.  I don't feel at all guilty.  These dinners are once in a blue moon.  It's OK. Or at least that's how I see it.  Oh, and I forgot, I did have a glass of wine!

 

 

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@hmg1993 sounds like you crushed it tonight! Congrats! And there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty about any of that. Especially at a fancy restaurant. I’m sure the food was high quality and delicious! You should really be proud and look at this as a huge step in the right direction. Keep the confidence rolling! 

@littleg and @hmg1993 The breathing totally saved me. Seriously. I just followed 5 minutes of the meditation for breathing practice in the car and then gave myself a reassuring pep talk before I got out. It totally felt like “riding the wave” like some of the books say. I felt the anxiety building, then peak, and then as I let myself breath and just experience the feelings, accept them as not bad but “just there” and not try to fight them, I slowly eased my mind and then felt like the wave just crashed and disappeared. It was awesome. I think the key is not fighting the cravings, the fear, the anxiety, all the feelings that cause us to binge. If we just accept the fact they are going to happen, but we just let them be there and say “ok, I feel like this right now but I don’t have to react to it. I just need to let it ride the wave and distract myself with other thoughts.” Fighting the feelings is too exhausting and causes them to be worse I think. 

I like something I read recently (can’t remember where) but it said when you have feelings/thoughts you are uncomfortable with, imagine you are next to a river. Put each thought on a leaf and put it down the river. Let it slowly drift away from your mind. Do that for as many leaves as you need. Then grab your “fishing rod” and reel in the feelings you want to replace them with. Slowly you will feel relieved because you will start filling your mind with the positive thoughts you are fishing for and forget about the negative ones. I dunno, kind of an “out there” abstract thing, but I tried it and it really works if you focus on trying to visualize the whole scene. 

Anyways, my day ended great with grilled pork chops and portabello mushroom strips, lemon tarragon green beans, and a creamy avocado sauce (with mayo, coconut cream, cilantro, lime, and salt) to top on the chops. Working again tomorrow and my man is back to hunting so I’ll be alone a lot for Mon-wed but it honestly sounds relaxing and I have lots planned before I get back into work full time at the end of next week. 

Sorry for the epically Long post. If you are still reading, thanks. Oh and I bought 3 types of kale and felt like a kid in a candy store when I saw organic italian sausage on sale for $1.67 per package! I bought 3 of those too. 

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OH, one more thing. I need advice! I have to go to a going away party at a neighbors house tomorrow night that will only be like 8-10 people. I went over tonight to ask if I can bring anything and she said no and told me what she is making. 3 dishes all of which I cannot have on my plan and would not be comfortable eating at all. And then she “also has dessert.” I’m going to feel so rude sitting at this semi intimate table not eating ANYTHING. not sure how to handle this one. I don’t know if it’s better to put a small amount on my plate and just not really eat much and like secretly throw it away (I’ll feel like a child feeding my veggies to the dog under the table!) or just tell her I have a lot of foods I can’t eat right now? Suggestions much appreciated. 

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8 hours ago, Dragonslayer said:

OH, one more thing. I need advice! I have to go to a going away party at a neighbors house tomorrow night that will only be like 8-10 people. I went over tonight to ask if I can bring anything and she said no and told me what she is making. 3 dishes all of which I cannot have on my plan and would not be comfortable eating at all. And then she “also has dessert.” I’m going to feel so rude sitting at this semi intimate table not eating ANYTHING. not sure how to handle this one. I don’t know if it’s better to put a small amount on my plate and just not really eat much and like secretly throw it away (I’ll feel like a child feeding my veggies to the dog under the table!) or just tell her I have a lot of foods I can’t eat right now? Suggestions much appreciated. 

I would bring something you can eat and explain to her that you have a lot of things you can't eat right now so you brought something that you and everyone else can enjoy if they like.  Maybe bring a big frittata and a salad.  Or a potato salad with egg and mayo and then just one protein serving for you like one of your Italian sausages grilled up?  I would also call her ahead and tell her the scoop ......

Let me know if you need any recipes.   Your pork chops last night sound divine.

 

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@hmg1993thanks for the advice. I think you are right. I’ll make something small and be honest. 

@littleg we usually sear it on the stove on all sides to get a crisp good outside color and then just do it like a normal beef roast and slow cook it in a Dutch oven with some kind of spices and juices to keep it moist (broth, wine, juice, whatever you want). And sometimes I put carrots, potatoes, and onions in the bottom of the pan too. I don’t have an instant pot so I don’t know what that is like but I’m sure it would be great in there! 

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Ugh you guys. I can’t remember the exact days but I’m pretty sure in the Whole30 book Melissa calls days 8-10 “when you want to kill all the things.” Im FULLY there. Struggling today. Got through last night good. Had impulses and some stress but talked myself through it. This morning though, I woke up and immediately felt “off.” Super tired, kinda flu like in my chest (but I know it’s just a detox symptom, I’m not really sick), anxious, hungry, everything. I’m making myself more stressed I’m sure, but all morning I’ve just been trying to breath and be present with my feelings. It’s freaking hard. I keep telling myself not only will food not help, but it will probably make it worse. I have confidence I will make it through work, but I’m worried about this afternoon and this party tonight. I know I need to just go to the gym after work, sweat my stress out (exercise always makes me feel better) and just keep my confidence and focus, but all I want to do is curl up in bed with ice cream right now. I’m NOT going to, but just venting my feelings because it helps. I’m struggling, it sucks, and I’m trying multiple techniques to work through it which I’m proud of and are actually working, it’s just hard feeling like this after a week of feeling so awesome. Blahhhhhh. Anyways, hope everyone else is having a better time than me today. But I know I’ll get through it! Not everyday can be easy! 

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@Dragonslayer  I am sorry that you're having a tough day.  Yes it could be the timing and it's also real life. Food won't help how you feel, unless of course you're hungry.  Is there any way you could avoid going to the party tonight?  I know that sounds extreme but if you're feeling wobbly maybe it would be better for you?  I know avoidance isn't always the best approach but perhaps that is what you need today? Also ask yourself, how will I feel tomorrow if I curl up with ice cream?   I suspect the answer will not make that option appealing (speaking as someone who should have asked myself that question before consuming the souffle last night:))

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I have to go to the party. Its a very close friend they are throwing it for so I would feel terrible not showing up. And I have avoided social events in the past and found myself almost bingeing as an excuse to not go because of my anxiety (which doesnt make sense at all, but of course my brain is crazy sometimes!) and I want to not get in the habit of using it as an excuse for anything. I called in sick to work a few days this year because I felt so sick and full and terrible, and that was when I really decided I can't let this interfere with my everyday life like that. 

I got off work early and came home to a very supportive talk from my fiance. He was great, but same deal, he just doesnt get it, so I didn't feel totally comforted. He left to go back out and hunt a little bit ago, and I started eating. I was actually hungry, but not starving, and I definitely ate too much. All good foods from my plan, but I definitely went way overboard (I would call it a small to medium compliant binge). In my head, I said "Well since I won't be able to eat at this party tonight, I should eat a bunch now." That was just my dragon giving me an excuse to "let loose and eat" though. I just stopped a few minutes ago to sit down and switch my mind to something else. I am now very full of so many chicken fingers (coated in egg and cassava/coconut flour/spices breading and fried in coconut oil- delicious, you should try!) 2 sweet potatoes, creamy avocado dip and veggies, and coconut chips. I am ok now that I stopped, but I wish I wouldn't have let myself do that. I know its WAY better than totally giving in and bingeing on junk, but I still want to try and stay in control and mindful at all times when eating. Especially on these days when I am having a hard time. Baby steps I guess! The only good thing I see coming from this is that I am going to be so full later that none of the food at this party will seem tempting I am pretty sure. And I talked to my fiance and he made me realize its not a big deal to just tell them I have a lot of foods I can't have right now. He is right when he said, "No one is going to give a damn if you don't eat fondue. It just means more for everyone else, and they will be so involved in eating they probably wont even notice. And someone else will be happy to eat your piece of cake and macaroons." So I am trying to just learn from this day, my mini binge just now, get back to a mindful state, and finish out my day strong. I often struggle with coming back to a good state of mind after even a "healthy" binge, but i am just reminding myself that this is not all or nothing, its ok, I am making progress, and I haven't f*cked anything up today. In fact, I have probably taken a step in the right direction by practicing so many techniques and working through a tough day more successfully than I usually would. Ok, I am going to get lost in trashy Bravo and E! shows for a while, and just try and relax for a bit! Thanks for your support you guys.  

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I honestly think there's something in the air today.  I struggled too.  Despite being OK about yesterday's off plan dinner the guilt hung with me.  And I was hungry all day.  Likely from stretched stomach.  So I ate too much of healthy things, like @Dragonslayer  But inspired by her, I didn't go wild and checked myself before it got worse.  So not a binge.  And that's what counts.  I am chalking up the hunger and blues to our body clocks being all off because of the time change!  Here's today's food

One egg, three egg whites, tomatoes and avocado

Sliced Turkey breast

One egg, three egg whites, potatoes, shredded brussells sprouts and zucchini with avocado

Apple

Terra chips and nuts (too many)

Homemade slaw (I use my mayo plus a teaspoon of sesame oil and lots of salt and pepper and cilantro) with marinated flank steak and oven baked Okra

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@hmg1993 don’t worry, you did way better than me today! And from your log, it seems you didn’t overdo it at all! Don’t be too hard on yourself. 

So I had my healthy binge before this party (I ended up snacking even more after my post... blahhhh) and then we went to the party. Just got back and I feel like a balloon. I had to eat a plate it would have been too awkward not too but there ended up being meats and pototoes separate from the other stuff so at least I had some options. BUT I was already sooo overly full, and these are the kind of people that force food on you and keep feeding you more and more. I ended up eating so much meat and potatoes I think I’m in a protein coma. BUT I didn’t have the dessert even though it was borderline irresistible! So summary of today... I’m so full I feel sick and I definitely consider today a compliant binge, but I’m proud I didn’t stray from my plan and I’m focusing on the things I did well today and how I can build on them next time. 

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@Dragonslayer Definitely a win and great mindset too.  One step, one brick at a time.  You're so good as well to resist dessert.  A muscle I need to strengthen.  Going to be a long week so trying to keep the stress and fatigue from undermining me.  Lots of inspiration to be gleaned here.  So thank you.

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Maybe it was in the air!  I had trouble too.  My in laws do Sunday dinners and they are always tough.  Dinner is at 4 (which means way too much time post dinner for a binge eater to fill...) and lots of things that I'd like to shove down my throat for fulfilling an urge but not actually eat in real life... Came home from Sunday dinner (where I ate 1.5 rice cakes with butter, a few bites of pork and some roasted broccoli and a small apple), ate my own dinner here and then I had a bit too much coconut buttert.  The few extra pieces of coconut butter certainly are small potatoes in the scheme of my binge life but still eaten in a not good way... eating just to eat, not because I was hungry or sitting down to enjoy it.

My MIL made roasted broccoli with some Amish "garlic pepper" last night.  It was delicious.  So I took home some of the spice in a bag (she just buys in bulk so no brand name or anything).  Then I googled "Amish garlic pepper".  Sea Salt, Black Pepper, Garlic, Citric Acid, Soy Sauce Powder (fermented soybeans, wheat & salt), Canola Oil, Natural Flavor, Natural Color, Silicon Dioxide.   Oh, well :) I wonder if making my own with garlic and pepper and a little fish oil added to the pan when I cook would make something similar.  Do any of you use a spice like this?

I hope all of us have a better Monday!  Even if we all didn't do ideal yesterday we all did manage to ignore the worst of our urges :)   

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Good morning! @littleg the coconut butter is a tough one. I actually decided I’m not keeping it in my house, only coconut chips, because I started to eat more and more every time And couldn’t stop. It’s so good! But sounds like you stayed fairly in control and mindful so nothing to be upset about! Nice work! My mom makes all her own spice blends and she never adds oil or other weird stuff, but does add sugar sometimes. I feel like some of the other ingredients in that list are just to keep it fresh for longer or as an “anti caking” agent. So maybe try to use the most similar ingredients you have and see what happens! It would be cool if they had coconut amino powder! 

I realized I posted like 5 essays yesterday haha. Sorry! Woke up this morning and feel surprisingly ok. Total different feeling than after a real binge. No brain fog, no aches or pains, slight sickness but not so bad, and most importantly, my mood is still high and I don’t feel depressed about yesterday. Although I definitely had evil dragon thoughts last night, I am SO HAPPY I stuck to foods on my plan and it is so much more worth it today. My weird dilemma now is that literally the last thing I want today is meat or potatoes in any form, but it’s such a staple in my plan! Maybe I’ll do eggs and some salads and maybe just more fat today because the thought of more protein or starch just sounds awful right now. It’s snowing like crazy here (finally! We need it so bad!) so after my ski conditioning workout I’m planning a cozy day at home full of wedding planning, reading, and then tonight we have another dinner with friends but I’m cooking so it’s gonna be all good foods! 

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Hope everyone had a good day.  I am over Monday.  It's official.  Incredible stress and then to top it all my beloved cat is sick.  That sent me barreling into the nuts and my snout hasn't emerged since.  Oh dear .. one day at a time.

 

Egg, three egg whites, zucchini, avocado

Chicken sausage, carrots, parsnips, sweet potato and mayo

A frightening amount of nuts.  My blood type may be 90 percent cashew

Asparagus with grilled salmon and an artichoke.

 

Tomorrow will be better.  Say a prayer for my fur person.  

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Oh boy ladies. This weekend was a tough one for me too. What happened?! @Dragonslayer  and @littleg nice work in navigating your group meals and your grocery shopping trip. Those things are all tough and particularly the meals that other people cook. You want to be grateful and enjoy time with friends and it's a constant balance between figuring out what you want to eat and what experiences you want to have during those group meals. I am definitely still struggling with that. I truly think that each time you have a good experience it gives you confidence for the next time.

@hmg1993 I hope your cat is ok. Our fur creatures are so special and have such a special place in our hearts. You had a huge win with your meal out and just enjoying it. I've been trying to be comfortable in those situations where I can't control the food too and enjoying them instead of stressing out. When I was in the middle of my first few months of whole30 there was a situation where someone handed me a cupcake and i FREAKED out. I remember holding it in my hand and thinking "where can I put this so that no-one will see that I am not eating it" It was awful and I was so anxious about it. I don't want to feel like that around food again so I try to just enjoy those situations but also feel empowered to make good decisions. 

I actually had a good meal out too on Saturday and I managed to order things that I felt comfortable with. Yesterday was a strange day as I wasn't feeling good and then had dinner guests in the evening so it was super busy and I didn't really have an appetite. Today my husband left town on business for two weeks which is normally prime binge territory for me. We ended up having a friend and her kids over for dinner (which I cooked). When they left I did find myself raiding the halloween candy bucket and was eating a few pieces mindlessly. I probably ate 7 pieces and then in that moment I decided that I didn't want to go down that route and I would post here instead. I don't think I can name a time that I've been able to pull myself back like that and I'm grateful to you all that there is a place to come and talk about those feelings and have people that understand. 

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Also - I keep meaning to say this Yves Saint Lauren Touche Eclat is AMAZING for dark circles under your eyes. I have two little kids so look pretty tired as standard and it's a game changer for me! You can get it from Nordstrom and Sephora and probably from loads of places online too. 

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@5280sarah That’s so awesome that you were able to stop with the candy! It’s so much easier for me to avoid a binge if I never start, but once I have had a few bites of anything, stopping seems like the most impossible thing in the world. But I have stopped a few times, and it’s the best feeling ever the next day! I actually just read yesterday on an article online, “If you have ever stopped yourself from continuing a binge after beginning to eat a trigger food, congratulations. You just beat heroine addiction. That’s how hard it is mentally scientists say.” So be proud of that! And every time we are able to stop, that gives our brain a little more strength for the next time. 

@hmg1993 I’ll be thinking about you and the fur baby today! I hope it isn’t anything serious. Just don’t let your emotions get the best of you. You are so strong and are doing so well. Just remember food is not going to cure the illness, so there is no point. 

I spent a while re-reading Food Freedom Forever last night and I actually decided to make some alterations to my plan. All of her points about why it’s so important to be strict in your reset to kill the sugar dragon made me realize that allowing myself to eat stuff like compliant tortillas and waffles is not helping shift my mindset at all. So although those were really my only changes on my plan, I’m basically going full proper Whole30 as of today. Just for the rest of the 30 days since I’ve only had tortillas once, and then I’ll re-evaluate, but I figure I might as well try, and I actually do way better when the rules are very black and white and strict in the short term. 

If you haven’t read the book, you should. It’s Really helpful, reassuring, and a good reminder of a lot of the reasons we are all here. It was refreshing to re-read the beginning and I’m going to keep going with it today. 

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@Dragonslayer I feel like I also do better with black and white rules so I totally understand. I should reread the book too.

 

I took all our leftover halloween candy (apart from a few pieces which I saved for the kids) to the dentist and traded it in for money today (cool program right?!). I feel better now it's out of the house. I think I will try to post my meals in here too so that I can hold myself accountable. I love reading about what everyone else is eating. 

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