Binge eating and re-starting Whole30

[Guest]

@hmg1993Don't get down on yourself! You have made SO much progress already. Not counting for that many days in itself is a HUGE accomplishment. You can't fix everything at once. But small steps in the right direction deserve recognition and you need to focus on the good things that you have experienced and learned recently. Donut SCHMONUT who cares! At least you didn't eat 2 boxes of them! (I've done that before...yikes is the only word). And it sounds like you have a lot going on in your world right now. Take it easy on yourself. From an outsiders perspective, all I see is a strong person who is dedicated, working hard to change extremely difficult long term habits, making lots of progress, and is not perfect, because NO ONE can ever be perfect, and we all would not be here helping each other if we could just get through this without any bumps along the way. Keep your confidence high and get yourself prepped for a strict 30 (if that's what you decide you want to do.)  And don't use the "I'll start tomorrow" as an excuse to keep eating today. I always do that and it ALWAYS makes the first strict day a miserable one.  

[littleg]

Sorry its been a rough stretch for everyone  @hmg1993 I hope your cat is ok!  Fur babies sure do pull on our heart strings.  I hope your day improved from the donut and that it was a tasty donut and worth it  

@5280sarah I wonder what the dentist does with all the candy...  And good job having only a few pieces.  It is so tough to stop once you've started.  I'm glad that having an alternative like posting on here is helping people!  And I hope that these 2 weeks without your husband go easy and quick!  

Today at WF I had my own little mini victory - I made a paleo-ish pumpkin pie the other day (just filling, no crust).  It came out really good because I added some gelatin to it and it firmed up in a way that I really liked.  I was all set to buy the ingredients to make another one and then I realized that food freedom doesn't necessarily mean eating things like pumpkin pie every day  So I came home with just kombucha.  

I'm looking forward to seeing meals posted on here (especially W30 compliant ones)!  

 

My day so far:

Usual: 3 eggs, smoked salmon, onions, pepper, spinach scramble with mayo

Lunch: venison roast (wow, super gamey, don't love it, but I refuse to waste it so I loaded it up with taco seasoning ) with onions, peppers and broccoli, and mayo.  

Dinner will be turkey burger, cranberry sauce, roasted butternut squash and salad.  

[Guest]

@littleg Great job at WF! I am trying to have those same thought shifts...But that pie does sound delicious! Can you post the recipe? Could be a good Thanksgiving option! I actually just got back from the store too with a small victory. I have been avoiding eating fruit for a while because I figured if I am trying to "starve" my sugar dragon, fruit isn't really going to do me much good. I have been struggling though, because I get so much exercise and need the carbs/glucose to refuel and I can only eat so many potatoes. I decided at the store that "starve" might have a different meaning than I was thinking. I could be wrong, but I thought "eating a piece of fruit, or including it in a meal is not fueling my dragon if I am eating it in a controlled and balanced way. Yes of course I am trying to literally starve it with as little sugar as possible to become less addicted to the stuff, but having a piece of fruit daily as part of a balanced whole30 diet I think should be ok as long as I am staying in the right mindset of understanding its fuel for my body and not "oh I gotta have an apple to get my sugar fix." Do you guys agree, or is this my dragon just giving me an excuse to buy some fruit because im having cravings? I just ate a peach and a few pieces of cantelope. At first I felt anxious because I was nervous my blood sugar would spike and I would get more cravings. But instead, I also ate a few pieces of applegate pepperoni and my usual afternoon snack of coconut chips and a piece of 100% cacao to ensure I was getting some fat and a little protein as well. I feel totally fine now, and I am not freaking out at all, even though I was very nervous about trying it. I want fruit to be apart of my food freedom and I am thinking since it is compliant, I can practice including it in my diet when I really feel like its worth it (like today) and it will be a good first step to practicing reintroduction. I dunno, does this make any sense at all? 

[Guest]

oh and my food today...

Pre morning workout- 2 hard boiled eggs on a small bed of greens with red onion, bell peppers, and a small drizzle of olive oil and balsamic

Post workout- I'm calling it Sweet Potato Hash Salad. Sauteed italian sausage, mushrooms, and diced sweet potatoes together and then put on top of some purple cabbage and chopped collard greens with an italian seasoning and mayo sauce. 

A few hours later (just now)- peach, a few pieces of cantelope, 4 pieces of applegate pepperoni, and some coconut chips with a chunk of 100% cacao bar. weird snacky meal, but it's just what I wanted. 

Dinner- most likely will be broiled Salmon, baked asparagus, and fried green plantains (another item I have been avoiding but thought could be a good alternative carb source. And I LOVE them.)

[Guest]

Well, I answered my own question. Can't have the fruit in the house. Thought I was all good. I wasn't. Just knowing it's here I felt like it was a treat. Couldn't stop thinking about it. Started snacking and ate wayyyy too much cantelope, apple, and and then a potato with butter and salt because I always get the salty/sweet cravings. GRRRR. I guess it was a good experiment? 

[littleg]

Well now you know

Its like we have the same issues on the same days... my 3 week streak ended today  I think maybe because I am sort of in the same boat - sort of restricting carbs and then boom off the rails.  I didn't read the little letter I wrote myself, I didn't call my husband... I was on autopilot before I even realized what I was doing.  

Anyway, the recipe for the pumpkin pie filling - basically it is just a paleo-fied version of the Libby's recipe:

1 15 oz can of pumpkin

unmeasured (sorry! maybe 1-2 tbsp?) amount of TJ pumpkin pie spice (or just check a can of pumpkin for the amounts of individual spices)

2 eggs

2 tbsp sweetener (I had some turbinado sugar I used <-- obviously way less sugar then called for, this wouldn't impress a person used to really sweet stuff but I think its perfect)

1 c coconut milk (I used full fat Aroy D but if I make it again I'll try light coconut milk to save the fat for whipped cream...)

2 tbsp bloomed Great Lakes gelatin (1/4 c water in a wide bowl, sprinkle on the gelatin a little at a time - I had to add a bit more water - let it sit until bloomed).

Directions: gently heat the coconut milk - don't let it boil - add the bloomed gelatin and stir until dissolved, let cool.  While its cooling mix everything else together.  Once coconut milk has cooled and won't cook the eggs mix it all together.  Bake at 375 for 45-60 minutes.  It really firmed up after 24 hours in the fridge - had a curdled look to it when I first took it out of the oven (I thought I'd ruined it because I wasn't sure you could cook bloomed gelatin) but after a day in the fridge it was perfect!

 

[Guest]

I don’t want to bring negative energy, but just thought in the spirit of accountability, honesty, and trying to be more open with people, I should share my very unfortunate night. Total crash and burn. Fruit led to potatoes, which led to an impulsive shopping for potato and apple chips, almond butter, RX and larabars. And then, another trip back for a pint of cashew milk ice cream and bag of Tate’s gluten free chocolate chip cookies (my ultimate weakness). I ate basically all of it. Somewhere in there was also a gluten free tortilla with honey and almond butter and a homemade chocolate peanut butter cup. You can imagine how I feel right now. Not gonna rant about this one, just needed to share with someone. Total loss of control and a complete bummer. I’m not giving up though. 

[hmg1993]

@Dragonslayer @littleg  Time to turn the page on yesterday!  You didn't hear from me because I lurched home after being in the office from 5:00 a.m.  feeling ill, bloated and headachey.  Nothing says balanced diet like a day of donuts, bagel, pita chips and bread.  My body does not like wheat and so today I am feeling the effects.  What I am also feeling is that I need to get a grip, get 30 days under my belt of whole 30 eating and then try really hard to go back to my own rules and make it a habit and lifestyle.  @Dragonslayer  I have exactly the same issue with fruit, with the possible exception of pink lady apples that don't seem to wake up my sugar dragon but I really can't have more than one piece a day.  I am going to hold myself accountable here by posting every bite at the end of the day.  Meanwhile I am going to try very hard not to be deflated by the fails but instead be motivated by my desire to get back up on my feet.  You are all a large part of that inspiration.  Day one anyone?

[littleg]

WTF?  How is it that we ALL binged yesterday?!  I did it before seeing you guys post about it so it certainly wasn't that I said "well, my support group bailed so I might as well...".  It was all independent.  Was it for you guys too?  If it was there is something *weird* about that...  If it was independent what can we learn from it?  How come none of us reached out?  Can we change that going forward?  I have a good friend who has been sober for 20 months now.  She had A LOT of support from her sponsor.  They still meet weekly.  I don't know.  I just want to try something different I guess.  

I'm also just tossing this out there because it is something I think about... I haven't read Food Freedom but is that book about compulsive eaters or just people who can't complete a W30 because they have a single bag of chips or something?  I'm only asking because the more I do this the more I realize that even though when I eat 99% W30 (ignoring sugar in bacon stuff like that) I do feel SOOO much better but the binge that inevitably comes at the end is always so bad because there was such a long "no" list for so long.  I mean in reality are none of us ever going to NEVER eat a Tate's cookie again?  Isn't our goal to eat 1 or 2 with a cup of hot chocolate after a long day of skiing and then just walk away feeling warm and happy?  I do think eating W30 is a great way to eat in general but I don't think that its best for me right now.  I just think the next binge will come sooner  I'm going to go back to my Wlittleg again (for the 1000th time...) just like I did last time (I did make it 20 days!).  I hope its ok if I tag along for this reboot even if I eat some cheese and chocolate   Would you like me to not explicitly write that stuff out?  And maybe stop posting pumpkin pie recipes 

 

[Guest]

@littleg write about the chocolate all you want! It’s all personal choices and what you think will work best for you. And maybe it’s a good experiment to compare, someone doing strict and then trying reintroduction vs. your method. The book does mention people with eating disorders a few times actually. And specifically bingeing maybe once or twice. When I keep reading I’ll post some quotes. But she does address the fact that the reset and the plan you choose will be different if you have a problem like we do. She has different types of resets she reccomends but says basically do what you know is best for you. Her “cravings/sugar dragon buster” reset says basically go strict Whole30 with the addition of eliminating dried fruit and nuts (because those are the foods you will most likely turn to to binge.) and she says your brain doesn’t know the difference between eating a bag of salty chips vs eating a container of salty nuts. It just knows “I’m getting my salty overload fix.” I thought that was interesting. We may feel like eating certain things is “better” in large quantities, but it’s not helping out our brain in terms of the habit at all actually. 

I didn’t reach out because it was so impulsive that I didn’t even let myself think. Different from the other day when I was more focused. The funny thing is, I had just tried a 15 minute meditation like a half our before it started. Not sure how that makes sense. 

Came home, ate all the things, saw your post, and thought holy crap that’s crazy. I knew @hmg1993 was struggling from the morning post, but I’m pretty sure that didn’t effect my experience because I felt good most of the day. I’m not sure though, maybe it was a little subconscious. When I bought the fruit, I did think “well she does fine with it so maybe I can too” but that also wasn’t my total reasoning for buying it and it was kind of an after thought. 

Anyways, MFing DAY 1 AGAIN. Maybe in the future we can all become “Whole30 week 1 coaches” because we will have done it so much we will be experts haha! 

But yes @hmg1993I’m with you day 1 strict plan. Just as I had laid out before. 

[Guest]

Oh and I meant to look at the positive of all this and CONGRATULATE both of you on going so many days! 11 is semi good for me (as opposed to my usual 4-7) but you guys went over halfway! That’s a huge accomplishment. Now our goal should be to go longer than we did this time. (And I’ll just pretend I made it 20 days so I can go that long too haha) 

[hmg1993]

@Dragonslayer and @littleg and everyone else along for this journey. We can do this. I know it. And each of our journeys will be a little different and that’s ok. I know in my heart that I am not ready to be the person that can eat off plan once and a while and then snap back. I know I have more work to do making new and healthier habits that don’t require me to eat my stress or feelings. And the only way I can do that right now is to eliminate the foods that send me spiraling. I’m better with rules. Hence the W30.  I also know that doing W100s or the like - for me - is avoiding the issue and I need to get to a place, hopefully after 30 days, maybe after 40, where I can define my own set of rules. During this W30 I am also not only going to tackle the food but also I am going to talk to someone about why I have these impulses. And I am going to commit to staying present on this board because I find it really helpful. Thank you!!

[5280sarah]

I want to give all of you a hug. I know exactly where you are all coming from as I was binge eating terribly for several months straight and felt like I could not break the cycle. It felt even more bad to me as I did this following a really great run of eating whole30 where I really did have tiger blood. 

I really do feel like the supplement 5-htp has helped me a little bit. If you read Julia Ross' "The Mood Cure" it talks about amino acid supplementation to combat mood issues and sugar cravings. She also wrote a book named "the diet cure" which I haven't read but I believe is along the same lines but more targeted toward people who have deficiencies due to dieting and disordered eating. I had already read her other book when I came across this one and felt like I had enough of a handle on the issue to skip this one. This article touches upon it too. https://www.huffingtonpost.com/hyla-cass-md/eating-disorders-the-nutr_b_478647.html The premise is that there are actually chemical reasons why this is happening and natural supplementation can help. I have been doing this and it really has helped. It wasn't overnight but I have barely binged over the course of about 4 weeks. Sometimes if I feel the urge to binge I will just take one of the 5htp tablets and just wait 10 minutes or so and it helps. I also take tyrosine which helps with dopamine production. The article I linked states:

"In her book, The Diet Cure, Julia Ross refers to a study where bulimics were deprived of tryptophan. In reaction, their serotonin levels dropped and they binged more violently, ingesting and purging an average of 900 calories more each day. In another study, adding extra tryptophan to the diet reduced bulimic binges and mood problems by raising serotonin levels. More recently, an Oxford researcher, Katherine Smith, reported that even years into recovery, bulimics can have a return of their cravings and mood problem after only a few hours of tryptophan depletion, concluding that, “Our findings support suggestions that chronic depletion of plasma tryptophan may be one of the mechanisms whereby persistent dieting can lead to the development of eating disorders in vulnerable individuals.”"

I also think that there is a lot of truth in that the things we crave and have binged on in the past cause a lot of negative symptoms for us when we eat them. I noticed a lot of inflammation, migraines, gut issues when I was bingeing and I think my body really has an issue with the constant bombardment of gluten, dairy and sugar. When I began to see it more as a medical issue rather than a preference issue it became a lot easier to make good choices as I now think "why would i want to make myself sick?".  The other thing though that has changed for me is that I've become very transactional about the off plan foods that I eat. I finally understand what Melissa was talking about in Food Freedom Forever where you make an on the spot assessment about something and decide whether it's worth it in the moment. Often I decide yes and eat the food and in small quantities it appears not to make me sick (caveat - when I am taking care of my body and eating nutrient dense food most of the time) but in that moment I enjoy the food and then just move on with no or little judgement. It feels a lot different to me than the constant feeling that I've messed up and I'm a loser for not being able to stick to a whole30 diet. I recognize that it's not something that I can do 365 days a year but it is something that I want to adhere to most of the time as my life is better when I am not anxious, depressed, headachey, bloated and grumpy. This is what has been working for me and it may not work for anyone else. I am also coming from a place where I think I had an unhealthy approach to food when I ate strictly whole30 for several months running. It gave me extreme food anxiety and i don't want to feel that anymore. Actually what I eat now compared to then hasn't really changed but my attitude has changed and I no longer have this extreme urge to be perfect all of the time which made me extremely anxious when I fell short of this. 

I hope that you don't feel like I am being smug in posting this. I am extremely familiar with the feelings post binge, the anxiety, the shame and the physical feelings of just feeling unwell. I think we can do a lot to combat our demons by bringing them out into the open and I for one feel a lot better for doing so (which is why I started this thread in the first place). I am just trying to reflect on what's been working for me and support the theory that we may all be slightly chemically deficient which is why we do this rather than because we are weak willed and greedy (which was how I felt about myself after a binge). 

Massive hugs to you all.

"Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it" Anne of Green Gables

[5280sarah]

Also I know the quote above refers to bulimics but I think that there are parallels to be drawn with the binge eating aspect of bulimia and straight up binge eating. I'm not indicating that any of us are bulimic. 

[Guest]

@5280sarah all of your insight and advice is very helpful. I’ve done the supplements in the past and they helped for a while but then stopped working. So I decided I don’t want to get caught up in taking too many pills (I already have quite a few) and not trying to work through this as naturally as I can. But I totally agree about the amino acid thing. I’ve read the same research and it makes a lot of sense. And I do think trying to be so strict is like you say I’m not helping my mindset, but I’m just so stubborn in wanting to get through a clean 30 days before I start working on shifting my mindset for other foods. If just think if I can get through this first reset and really work on engraining new habits, then I can start to think about it differently once I’ve gained some confidence, cleansed my body and mind, and gained a little more tiger blood after 30 days. 

I also agree about the foods that have negative effects though. I have pretty much gotten to the point where even when I binge, I avoid gluten and dairy because the aftermath is SO much worse on my body and mind with those foods. Mentally I get so much more depressed and foggy brained, and physically it’s worse with digestion, pain, aches, length of time to recover, etc. Now I just need to start thinking that same way with the sugar. 

Thanks for your support. Every little bit helps and your comments are just another boost to keep me going today and continue getting back on track. 

[5280sarah]

I completely know what you mean about supplements and I go back and forth with wanting to take them and then not. The other way to look at it is just focus on heading your gut naturally and with diverse Whole Foods and avoiding foods that cause inflammation for you. I know that’s over simplifying things but really thinking about foods that harm and foods that heal. I think there is so much value in the optimization of the microbiome which will in turn ensure that you have the amino acids naturally that you need to aid mood and appetite. 

Stull struggling with integrating these things into my life too.

[littleg]

@5280sarah I've got a bottle of 5 HTP in the cabinet (from right before I found out I was preggers ).  I'm still breastfeeding though so I'm going to have to wait I think... but just out of curiosity - what brand do you take?  Do you take it regularly?  What about the other amino acids - you can PM me if you don't want to be "giving medical advice" out on a public forum.  I've heard of this approach before but haven't looked into it much.  I suppose I should track down a copy of the book as well.  And maybe Food Freedom too.  

@Dragonslayer and @hmg1993 Hope you guys are doing ok today  I woke up wanting to continue down the same path but I read my letter to myself and worked out and seem to have gotten my rational brain back in gear.  In my usual post binge blah I'm feeling so, I don't even know, just sad.  Like sad that I have to live with this.  Sad that so much of my brain power is used up by this disorder.  Sometimes I'm all fired up to try W30 after a day like yesterday but today I sort of just feel defeated.  Like I was doing well and it was really just a cruel joke that I thought my urges might actually stay away. 

 

[Guest]

@littleg I totally know your feelings. That’s exactly how I was last time. (And a little today) Just keep remembering how much progress you made and get excited for making even more this time around! And remember recovery is not linear. Ups and downs along the way. It’s the only way to learn and grow. 

Today is definitely not an easy day for me but I’m getting through it. Did a light workout this morning but felt so sick that I stopped. Funny that after I ate something it helped. Having constant cravings and the dragon is freaking out, but I’m just trying to breath and stay distracted. I ate the other apple I bought from yesterday earlier along with a sweet potato with almond butter. I shouldn’t have had either of those things considering I binged on them yesterday. My thought with the apple was “ I just need to eat it now so I get it out of the house.” Same with the almond butter, but then I realized it was the dragon talking, so I just walked to the dumpster to throw away the jar of almond butter. What a waste of $8, but I just can’t have it near me. And my plan says I can only have fruit and nuts outside of my house on special occasions or cooked in a restaurant meal, so I already technically broke it. But I’m just not counting it because at least I stayed mindful and got rid of it. And they aren’t foods that are off  my plan so it’s all good. Anyways, trying to relax and read, but honestly I just can’t wait until it’s bedtime. I hate the day after a binge more than the day of. I’m tired, sick of fighting the cravings, sore and achy, constant nausea, and just want to wake up tomorrow feeling refreshed again. But I’m keeping a positive mind and doing lots of journaling  (and posting here) to vent my feelings. 

Once again I’m so thankful to be able to talk to you guys. I’m 100% sure if I didn’t have this forum to come to today and you guys knowing we are all in this together especially today for another day 1, I would have been face planting into another pint of ice cream by now again today. The support, accountability, and understanding keeps me going. So thanks again. 

[littleg]

@Dragonslayer Yeah, the day after always sucks.  Its good that you've found that journaling helps.  Sorry to hear about the almond butter.  No more expensive triggers  

Hope you get a good night's sleep and feel better tomorrow.

[Guest]

Well when it rains, it pours. I found out this afternoon that my mom has cancer. I’ll be ok and hopefully she will too, but I totally lost it this afternoon/tonight for a while. I let myself turn to comfort food because I just didn’t have it in me to fight it. I did spend the last few hours though thinking, researching, and realizing that if I don’t change my unhealthy habits, something as bad as cancer could happen to me too. The realization hit pretty hard. I need to get in control of my health not only for myself, but for my family and loved ones as well. I am better now and will start my day 1 tomorrow with a new outlook on the entire experience/journey. just wanted to give my update. 

[5280sarah]

@Dragonslayer I'm so sorry for your mom and for your family. Give yourself some grace as you process the news.

[hmg1993]

@Dragonslayer  hug.  Please take good care.  Am thinking of you and your mom.  If Day 1 tomorrow makes you feel better then do it but if you're putting more pressure on yourself then know that you have tremendous support here no matter what.  You are a rock star and a soon to be married one.

I just got home from the office after another banner day.   I'd love to claim great restraint fueled the following but the truth is I was too tired and bloated to do anything else

Carrots, Parsnips and sweet potato roasted with chicken sausage and avocado

Large salad with chicken, carrots, arugula, avocado, tomatoes and cucumber

Red cabbage, brussels sprouts, apple, chicken breast with balsamic vinegar and mustard

Couple of slices of plain turkey breast while cooking dinner 

 

 

[Guest]

Thanks ladies. Had a restless night and am feeling basically the same as I did yesterday morning. To be expected, but after thinking about everything all night, I know continueing this challenge and journey is what I need to do. I can’t control what’s happening to my mom, I can’t fly across the country and cure her today, but I can control how I choose to handle this and I can control my own health and happiness. Having a clear healthy mind from Eating Whole Foods and feeling good about myself and more in control of my choices will help me get through this. I need to feel in control of something, so my own body is where I will focus my energy, instead of just being sad and mad and continueing to binge. Eating the ice cream isle is not going to help me or my mom. She suffered from alcohol addiction for a long time and I was always so hard on her about it and so angry for so long. Now I think, my addiction to food and bingeing is no different. I totally understand her struggles and how hard it is to stop now. But instead of letting myself get sick too, I can learn from this and make a change. I want to be healthy and change this habit for myself, my family, and my mom. It will make me stronger and more able to deal with whatever the future will bring.

So I am definitely starting day 1 today. I’ve got work all day sitting in a room listening to lectures, but hopefully it will keep my mind occupied. Still have a positive outlook and am focusing on good thoughts and breathing. Stress and worrying will do me no good. 

Today I’ll probably be eating hard boiled eggs, salad, and some bland chicken, because I think that’s all I will be able to stomach. Hope you all have a good day! Excited to get back on track with you guys. 

[littleg]

@Dragonslayer I'm sorry to hear about your mom.  Cancer is so tough on everyone.  It is especially hard when your mom is across the country.  I went through it too with my mom.  Sometimes having a W30 to focus on can be a good distraction from something like this because it keeps you busy without a lot of idle brain time - lots of cooking and doing dishes...  There are support groups out there for cancer care givers that can sometimes be helpful if you find yourself needing to talk to people in a similar situation.  

Hugs.

 

 

[hmg1993]

Sorry about silence yesterday.  A complete debacle and I find myself staring back at Day 1 today.  I am not making excuses .... well, perhaps I am, but I am exhausted and stressed beyond belief.  All work related.   Don't seem to get memo that way to deal is not in an avalanche of chocolate.  If I can take a glimmer of hope, my binging is definitely a lot less extreme than before and still no counting calories.  I just need to get back to me, and putting me first.  Hope everyone else is doing well/better.  TGIF