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Finding myself


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I never thought I would put my thoughts to paper let alone doing it in public. I don’t drink everyday, but when I drink I drink too much. I black out, I embarrass myself and my family. My kids are grown and are doing amazing things. They love me unconditionally which is more than I deserve. I have never missed a game, recital or any event they were in.

I have been married a long time and I got married young. I am not always happy in my marriage. He is not the reason I drink. I don’t think so. Sometimes he is great,  supportive and I love him. Sometimes he is mean, petty and nasty.

I have a great job, good friends and I am missing something. I am going back to school next semester for my masters degree. I need to get my life on track. I have gained over 20 lbs in the last year. When I drink I over eat, any and everything. 

So I started whole30 to help me focus on myself , eat, drink, spirituality and exercise . I am on day 18. I am proud of myself, and still not sure where I am headed. I am writing this today because I went out with friends and I didn’t drink, came home and my husband went out to drink more. My daughter is out with friends and I am home alone and I really want a drink. I know I will hate myself in the morning if I drink tonight. But it is a struggle, I am not gonna lie. 

I will continue to work on myself! 

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Hi, @Lainey18 -- hang in there, you'll get through these cravings. Do something nice for yourself, whether that's reading a favorite book or magazine, working on a hobby you love, pampering yourself with a bubble bath or your favorite lotion, or whatever works for you. Changing habits is not easy, but it is worth it, and you are worth the effort it takes to be healthier.

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@Lainey18, posting a message like yours takes courage, and I'm so glad you were able to do it! Sometimes, even when we know things in our own mind and heart, getting it out of our head and onto paper (or the screen) can be so helpful for really acknowledging things and being able to make progress.

I'm a recovering alcoholic, and for the longest time I didn't think I actually had a problem with alcohol. I knew I was a binge drinker, but I didn't consider myself an alcoholic because I didn't drink all the time... in fact, I would even go months (and even a little over a year, once) between drinks... but when I did drink, it wasn't only a little and it was generally not pretty at all. I'm also bipolar and wasn't on medication for most of my life. Drinking fed into mania, which fed into more drinking because NOTHING COULD TOUCH ME!!!! Ahem, of course I wasn't really untouchable, but that's how it felt. Then, at some point, I'd drop out of mania and stop drinking... until I fell into depression, and that would be a whole different path, but the same basic song.

I, too, have struggled with my relationship with my husband of 20 years... with my kids... with my parents... with food, and of course with alcohol. There are a number of other struggles as well, but it all comes down to relationships, really. My last drink was over 4 years ago, when I woke from a binge and was severely dehydrated and absolutely ashamed because my daughters (both relatively young, at 10 and almost 5) had seen the after-effects of my drinking. I never wanted to feel that way again, physically or emotionally. I toughed it out with sheer will power for a while, but eventually had to get myself into a support group (mine is faith-based, which works for me) to help me continue moving in the right direction -- not just with my walk away from alcohol, but also with other areas that I need(ed) to change. I'm also on medication now, which has helped a lot (especially since there's no alcohol going in to affect the efficacy of the medicine!).

I say all that as a way of saying that you're definitely not alone. There will be hard days, and there will be not so hard ones. But making the healthy choice is always worth it, from what I've learned in my own experience. I totally agree that finding a good way to get some "me time" in is a great idea, and it lets you focus on things that make you happy and bring you peace.

Good luck to you!

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Such beautiful and vulnerable sharing @Lainey18 and @Jihanna - I thank you for it. Sharing in this way helps us all normalize our struggles - it is too easy, especially in these days of social media infiltration, to believe that we alone are wrestling with our gremlins while the rest of the world gets on with their fabulous, brilliant lives. I'm someone whose life does look amaizng on social media - wonderful husband and beautiful adventures but my depression and anxiety have been overwhelming at times and my food addiction is very, very real. 

I wish you both peace on your journeys through life and hope you are able to access counselling - my therapist has been a godsend to me.

Thank you, again, for the connection.


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