Depressing Household & Coconut Oil Smell

[Callan]

Hi everyone,

I guess I just needed a place to dump my thoughts and feelings where I know I won't be judged. I'm really concerned about my family--i.e. my father, stepmother, and 7-year-old brother--and unfortunately, I live with them right now. Here's the rundown:

Dad is a "vegetarian," home-brewer (beer snob), and "fake meat" addict. Breakfast is either eggs and morningstar sausages or a handful of nuts/trail mix or a Clif bar, lunch is cheese and wheat thins, and dinner is a quesadilla (cheese and beans) or a bowl of chili filled with textured vegetable protein and beans. He drinks beer every day. His father had a heart attack in his early 50s and died, and was very active. My dad is overweight and addicted to chronic cardio (runs miles every day but just keeps gaining more and more weight).

Stepmother eats some meat (mostly boneless skinless chicken breasts) and is very fat-phobic. She has fat-free yogurt and fruit with a little peanut butter for breakfast, and lunch and dinner consist of processed grains, pseudo-meats, and a small serving of vegetables.

Little brother has frosted mini wheats or lucky charms for breakfast. He either buys the school lunch or has cheese and crackers, cucumbers, carrots, and a blast of ketchup. For dinner, plain spaghetti, meatless "corn dog," fake chicken nuggets, and quesadillas. He negotiates how to eat as little of his meal as possible and still get dessert. And dessert often comes in the form of large bowls of ice cream with whipped cream, chocolate syrup, and sprinkles.

Watching this all is very saddening to me. When I discuss nutrition with my dad, he has said two things: "Well, I don't eat that much wheat" (as he reaches into the bag of Wheat Thins and takes a sip of beer!) and, "I think you're probably right but don't feel like changing anything."

And when I discuss it with my stepmom, she gets defensive and argues the opposite of whatever I'm saying. When I told her that a bit of bacon isn't going to give my (incredibly skinny) little brother a heart attack, she said: "I've seen what bacon grease does to our drain pipes and I know that's what it does to our arteries!" What. She already wants to get his cholesterol checked...

So, I go about my merry way, preparing my food and trying to set a good example without saying anything. Until my stepmom says that the smell of the coconut oil I use to cook with makes her feel incredibly nauseous. So, now I use the expeller-pressed kind that has minimal odor, but it still sort of bothers her. I feel so bad for making her feel sick (but then, the smell of my dad's hops and my little brother's "corn dogs" also make me sick, but I don't ask them to stop...) but I miss the healthy benefits (and awesome flavor) of virgin coconut oil. I know, obviously I need to move out as soon as possible, but that probably won't be until August or September.

For the time being, do you have any advice on how to a) cope with this sadness, convince them to make some changes, or c) look at this situation in another way? I feel as though I'm always being judged, and surely they always feel like I'm judging them. I want us to coexist happily but I don't see that happening anytime soon.

[Della Nova]

First off, I'm sorry for all these struggles you're going through! My husband and I own a house together, but also my parents are doing a Whole30 now and we're starting to get his parents interested as well, so I can't totally relate or even imagine how stressful this must be for you (I haven't yet spoken to anyone who believes this way of eating is bad). *hugs*

I would suggest all three options at once:

a) Coping: It may sound selfish, but put your needs first. Focus on your own body and your own health. The idea here is, go through your Whole30 like a champ and feed your body the nutrients it needs. After the 30days are over, your family should see the change in you and this may convince them to change their ways. You need to be the example and prove that eating meat and animal fat (such as bacon) actually has made you healthier.

b ) Convincing: If they are willing, suggest for them to make time to read "It Starts With Food" with an open mind. Inform them that this is a very important change in your life and emphasize to them how much it would mean if they finished the book. Let them be free to voice their disagreements, but hopefully after finishing the book they will have a willingness to give it a try (emphasize the TRY here, put it like a test and if they don't like the results after 30days, they can always go back).

c) Other perspectives: Give it time and patience. If they don't see the difference in you after 30days, continue eating in the Paleo way and keep your spirits up. Eating habits are deeply, DEEPLY ingrained and it may be slow little changes that need to happen.

Another thing: Perhaps change the method of explaining the diet. Don't focus on the protein difference as much. Focus on talking about Processed Foods. Most people tend to agree that the further food has been processed away from its natural state, the less healthy it is. Emphasize the fact that you're now eating natural minimally-processed foods from nature. This may not get them to the point of Whole30, but it should make them be more accepting of your diet change.

As for the coconut situation, that really sucks. Are there any opportunities for you to prepare it while your mother isn't around? (i.e. make food, wash dishes right after when she's not home) Another option if you enjoy the virgin coconut oil would be to add it to coffee or sweet potato (i.e. use without cooking with it). I would also suggest cooking with Ghee instead of coconut oil. It is clarified butter and has a nice buttery taste. Hopefully they won't find Ghee disagreeable.

In general, it sounds like they are just being resistant to your big life changes. It is totally different (and alien) from the way they eat and their views, so it's probably unsettling to them. If you stick to your guns and keep at it, I'm sure they'll adjust. They probably aren't consciously trying to judge you, they are just adjusting. To show them that you are not judging them, don't force them too hard to eat what you do. Just continue doing your own thing.

I wish you the best of luck!!! *more hugs*

[Callan]

What a fabulous response - thank you so much! I will try to focus on the processed aspect of things. All in all, I would believe that is far worse than anything else about the vegetarian thing! I would be much more inclined to just let them do their thing, if there weren't a young child involved. This weekend I babysat him and was at such a loss as to what to cook for him. It was so depressing to resign myself to just tossing one of those disgusting corn dogs in the microwave.

Additionally, using the coconut oil without cooking in it is a great idea. Unfortunately, she's a stay at home mom so it's hard to find time to cook when she's not around. I'm making do with the more processed kind for now, and I do have a bit of ghee. Planning to make my own soon!

I just want my dad to be healthy, too. He's had a chronic cough year-round since I was a kid, and his "beer belly" just keeps growing no matter how far he runs or how many burpees he does. I hate to see them trying so hard but being oblivious to the things they truly need to change. I'll never, ever get him to give up beer. It's so disheartening to see the solution so clearly, and not be able to express it in a way that will have an effect. Thanks again for your support.

[Carlaccini]

Callan,

I'm wondering if you could make some sort of a deal with your stepmom on a cook off day. Meaning there is one day a week that she allows you to do a major cookup for the week and not complain about the smell? Also what you could do as a deoderizer is place a cut up onion on a plate on the counter. It absorbs all kinds of smell. Unfortunately some people find the smell of onions also distasteful..... but it's an idea.

I live with my boyfriend and intially he told me that I was crazy to be undertaking the whole 30. What I understood from that was since he didn't drastically want to change the way he ate. And I was fine with that. Halfway though he started the understanding of why. He still gets on my case about calories and the fact that I eat so many eggs but answer always remain the same - do I look and feel healthier? The answer is always - yes. Then my response is - then well leave it alone.

If you respect your parents food choices (as poor as they are) then they should respect yours. Do your best to set an example. Don't lecture if they are not open. Stop the moment you see their eyes glaze over. It will be an effort in futility. What you want to hear is - Gee you look great! What are you doing? And you can tell them that you eat plant, animal and all things coconut. Some will say - Oh well I could never give up "insert favourite food here". Then you end it. right there. But instead if they pepper you with questions - encourage them. answer them to the best of your ability. Ask them to read It Starts with Food. Because - it really does.

[Renee]

Great tips Carla!

I've found that EVERYONE is (to different degree) reluctant to change. Once someone opens up, you have to find out what stimulates their curiosity about paleo/Whole30 (ex: for me, it's the science behind it; for my boyfriend it's all the conspiracy theories of government-drug companies, for other people, it's going to be the evolutionary angle).

Find what will make people ask more questions, but follow their pace: don't try to push too much new (i.e. non conventional) info if they're not ready yet to hear it. For example, you could start with your stepmom with statments that are approved by pretty much everyone: when you eat carbs, your body releases insulin. Then build that up: when insulin (storing hormone) is present, glucagon (hormone that burns off stored energy) cannot do its job. Therefore, by eating 5-6 small meals a day, rich in whole grains and whatnot, you actually prevent your metabolism from going from storing-mode to fat-burning-mode. Hopefully she'll understand that the human body is MUCH MORE complex than a pipe drain. Or you could also ask her if the pipe drains have a gallblader...

[Callan]

Thanks, Carla! I didn't know that about onions. Hmm, interesting! I'll try to get Dad to read ISWF. Neither of them are big readers. If only there were an audiobook....

Once someone opens up, you have to find out what stimulates their curiosity about paleo/Whole30 (ex: for me, it's the science behind it; for my boyfriend it's all the conspiracy theories of government-drug companies, for other people, it's going to be the evolutionary angle).

Ooh, hadn't thought about it this way. I'm totally into the science behind it, but I bet a different approach would work for others.

Hopefully she'll understand that the human body is MUCH MORE complex than a pipe drain.

Alas, I live with some highly illogical (in my opinion, at least) people... But now I neither the time nor place to discuss that... I'm just generally pretty worn down, living here. I always feel like people are mad at me (and, well, they often are....). Nonetheless, I do everything in my power to avoid provoking them and keep the peace!

[kshacklett]

As far as your little brother, why don't you invite him to cook with you? He'd probably enjoy getting messy in the kitchen, then sitting down to enjoy whatever you prepared (don't need to point out how healthy it is). After you do move out, you could keep this up once or twice a month, and maybe he'll start asking for/preparing some of these things at home!

[Renee Lee]

This situation sucks, but here's the post I always link people to: http://robbwolf.com/2012/04/04/paleo-diet-convince-it/

It is miserable, but the only peace I've been able to find is disengaging from the situation, or else it will consume you. Not healthy for anybody!

[Callan]

Mm, yeah, I'd read that a while back, Renee... I'm just trying to lead by example and not say too much of anything. As for my little brother, unfortunately I don't get home on the weekdays until 8pm - his bedtime. But, we could make it a fun weekend project. :-) thanks, guys.

[missmunchie]

Good luck! Keep "being the change you want to see" and focus on what food stuff you do have in common. Fry some eggs for your dad, and split a green salad with your stepmom. Focus on the similarities rather than the differences. That way you're working together than fighting it. That's how I get along with my vegan friends. We all agree that organic is best, and veggies are awesome!

[bonnynancy]

I grew up with a disapproving stepmother, and it really sucked. Now I am a stepmother myself, and I don't always approve of things my stepdaughter is into, so this is karma, I guess? What I am trying to say is, it can be a tough relationship, no matter what side of it you are on. But clearly you care about them all, want them to be healthy and happy... so, lead with the love and let the details work themselves out.

My two cents, for what it's worth. (Probably about two cents! )

[Coffeeandshoes]

The creepy part is morningstar farms is made from soy that is geneticaly modified. Its horriable. If he is open to it, I'd suggest he do some research on the chemicals and additives in his food. One of the fattest most unhealthy people I ever knew was a vegetarian. She ate all kinds of crap, just not meat.

But honestly? The best way to change your family is to change yourself. When they see what a good diet does to you, they will be more inclined to do it. When they taste your yummy healthy food they will love it. I tell people "I'm vegetarian, but I eat meat." What that means is I eat good vegetables prepared in good ways and add in meat.You could cook them good yummy vegetables. And just add in the meat you eat.

[Callan]

I tell people "I'm vegetarian, but I eat meat." What that means is I eat good vegetables prepared in good ways and add in meat.You could cook them good yummy vegetables. And just add in the meat you eat.

Heh, I've been trying to convey a similar message when explaining my diet, as well. I'll try to offer them veggies more often, but it seems like every time I do they have an excuse or just refuse. Ah well! It's stressing me out less, nowadays, but I'm still disappointed. The other day my dad approached me and said, "So, seems like you've calmed down about your diet thing." And I said, "Yeah, I just don't want to make anyone mad. I just really, really, really want you guys to be healthy." His reply: "I know, but I'm old and I probably am not going to change."

He's 45. He's FORTY-FIVE years old and thinks he's too old to make positive changes in his life? His dad died in his early fifties. His dad was very active and athletic but had a crappy diet and drank lots of beer. My dad is exactly the same. I'm really worried about him.

[Coffeeandshoes]

oh lord, I hate the "i'm old" mentality at any age. your dad is younger than me and I'm changing all the time and learning and growing. Age is just a number.

[bonnynancy]

I wish I could 'like' that last post twice, Coffeeandshoes!

[Della Nova]

oh lord, I hate the "i'm old" mentality at any age. your dad is younger than me and I'm changing all the time and learning and growing. Age is just a number.

I whole-heartedly agree! I may be a youngin' at 22, but my parents are in their fifties and doing their first Whole30 as well. My parents have had poor SAD diets in the past, but they are really trying to change. They have been walking a lot more and plan to add in more exercise as well. Plus, people have been saying that 40 is the new 30 and 50 is the new 40, lol.

Anywho, I'm sorry you're still struggling with them Callan and I can definitely understand your worry/concern. Keep going and making your progress though!

[bonnynancy]

Well, I am 52, a newlywed, and raising a 2 year old child. So, in my experience, 50 is the new 30!

Life is unpredictable... and wondrous.

[xacerb8]

It's incredibly difficult to be around family members who you feel are hurting themselves. I grew up with a mother and sister who both had eating disorders. My mom is a chronic dieter and my slster was anorexic, then bulimic, and now eats the most restricted food plan I've ever seen (raw vegetables and then eats french fries off her daughter's plate).

The only way that I could achieve peace was by realizing that I wasn't responsible for their behavior. Of course, it's harder for you, because you live with them. My family is 800 miles away.

I'm not sure if you're familiar with the work of Byron Katie. She has a particularly interesting bit of "homework" you can do when you're struggling with feelings about someone else's behavior:

http://www.thework.c...r_Worksheet.pdf

It can seem a little "out there," but it has helped me in the past.