Like an Onion

[BabyBear]

3 minutes ago, Brewer5 said:

 I just want to get back on a good path

Yes! This!  Numbering days for the days the path was good mentally physically and emotionally.  What foods do you feel need more restriction beyond the guidelines of whole 30 to help you achieve the good path?  Are the foods outside of the whole 30 that you might consider also to be part of that path for you?  I think being able to ask ourselves these questions and answer them honestly and freely is part of that foundation for the food freedom forever where we can live inside a set of regulations that provides us freedom and our best life. I also think the answers may change and we should re-evaluate often what is it that makes it a good path for me today, tomorrow, this week, this month, this year etc.    It’s learning how to set those for Myself that prove the challenge as I’m not sure I trust myself just yet.  But I am learning to build that self trust with choices.  I am so proud of all the work you have done so far.  I am glad to have someone like you along for this journey.

[Brewer5]

Day 1:  5/21/20 (cont)

—

I went through an experience much like the worst-ever hangover feeling this morning after posting that I was starting again.

I felt like my blood sugar was all out of whack, and in a panic, and the worst headache.  It was scary.  It is now thoroughly etched in my brain as something I never want to experience again.  Ever.

—

10:45 am:  (4) eggs w/ ghee, air fryer steak fries, few sips of orange juice

—

2:30 pm:  finished the 10-oz bottle of OJ

—

6:15 pm:  (2) chicken breasts, cole slaw veggies w/ ranch

—

11:30 pm:  air fryer steak fries w/ avocado ranch

—

Shenanigans over.  Feels good to just be back to my real food.

[Blueautumn]

On ‎5‎/‎21‎/‎2020 at 12:22 PM, Brewer5 said:

The end goal is the same for each of us: and that is to be our very best.

I have not been at my best while not eating W30.  And that ends now. 

This ^^ right here - all that.
I know i feel bad and have been doing myself a disservice by continuing to eat the way i eat and do what i do every day (or not do lol). I woke up earlier this month with the realization that I was not living my best self at all. That I was hindering my progress in really all aspects of my life due to the medical conditions, the brain fog, the horrible sleep, the pain - I couldnt say I have done everything I can to make me the best me which means as of now its really all my fault. And I dont wanna feel like this anymore.

I think the W30 really helps bring home how much extra stuff we eat that isnt what our bodies were made to eat. I am sad that you felt bad the last few days but very glad that you have an idea what the problem is and are taking control of it  
I had a massive migraine yesterday so didn't respond to anyone and all I could think about was how much I wanted a soda and a burger to make myself feel better - and maybe some icecream. I didnt get them though!

You got this - being able to identify the problem is a good chunk of the battle

[Brewer5]

Day 2:  5/22/20

—

So today was a weird eating day.  I had two frozen W30 meals, cooked together with ghee ... spread out - a little before work, and the rest when I got home.

{shrug}

I'm having a 10 oz. bottle of OJ mixed with a sparkling water now, and I guess that's it for today.  It's late and I'm not hungry.

[Brewer5]

Day 3:  5/23/20

—

12:00 pm:  W30 frozen meal w/ ghee

—

3:30 pm:  burger, bacon, mayo, OJ & sparkling water combo

—

6:30 pm:  air fryer steak fries w/ avocado ranch

—

10:15 pm:  W30 frozen meal w/ ghee, diced potatoes

—

I’m all out of the frozen meals now, and I don’t think I’m going to buy them anymore.  Too many FODMAPs in there.  Super convenient, though!

[Brewer5]

Yes, I did decide to eat 6 mozzarella sticks from Arby's last night, along with what I believe is compliant roast beef (?) - after working, working, working to redo the kitchen yesterday with an old friend.

I can't say there was A LOT of thought put into this ... I can say I'm not beating myself up about it.  Those cheese sticks are one of my favorite things - however, my heart did pound like crazy afterwards.  Possibly enough to cause future avoidance.  This is good.

For lunch we had Burger King (umm, my kitchen is destroyed right now and we were working hard!) - again, not sure about what is in their burger patties, and don't care at this point.  I had two patties, tomato, onion, pickle, lettuce, and my Tessamae's ranch.  It was good - but MAN it slowed me down in my work.  I had to make a trip to Lowe's right after, and I just didn't wanna.  Ugh.  Drank a cup of coffee and powered through.

Feeling good about the work we are getting done ... also, it was a really enjoyable day with this guy I hadn't seen in a long time.  He is full of stories, personality and character.  I dig that.  It was good vibes.  Reminded me of how much we are social beings, and that is a need of mine that too often goes neglected.

Two rabbits came up to visit with us while we were sitting on the swing on the front patio at the end of our work day.  I mean, they came up CLOSE ... like 4 feet away.  And stared at us.  For awhile.  It was unreal.  I have lived in this house for 17 years, and they've never done that.  Ever.  This guy has been all over the world in his army days, and even he was like, "I have never been this close to a wild rabbit..."  It was a moment.  A moment of childlike wonder.  Were they listening to our conversation?  Were they trying to tell us something?  We laughed and just enjoyed this moment with nature so much.

Good times.  

[Brewer5]

Yesterday my friend came again for a couple of hours, and we got the cabinets all finished - and when he left, I finished the flooring.  Finally!  People, I am so done with flooring.  Lol.  Then I painted about half of the kitchen.

Whew.

I haven't talked about it here yet - but my MIL is coming to live with us.  We are going to travel 800 miles this weekend to get her.  I know I talked about it a couple of months ago, when we thought it was going to happen - but now, it's for real.  She can no longer stay with her mother, and we do not want to put her in a facility.  Not at this point.  If we reach that point down the road, it still needs to be a facility here with us.

We were given this deadline - she has to be out of her mom's government-subsidized duplex by June 1 - or they are going to kick them BOTH out.  Yikes.  So this news came in the middle of these projects I had already started - and now, I'm in a rush to get them finished.

My husband has used the words "I am in panic mode" and I have been steadily countering that with: "It's going to be okay".

It's going to be okay.  ...It IS going to be okay.

But man, there's a lot to do.

--

So, while I was working, working yesterday - he says he and the kids are going to Arby's.  I say, I'll take the 1/2 pound of beef, no bun.

They come home, food sits on the counter for a bit ... and when I get to a stopping point to finally EAT - all I see is a bowl with (apparently beef under there somewhere) a GIANT gob of Arby's cheddar sauce concoction.

My initial reaction was one of shock: "Whose is this? You didn't get this for ME, did you?"

..."Oh, shit, sorry, I just had it in my head that you wanted what I get, and I get the beef & cheddar."

Somewhere in there, I threw out the fact that "I've been doing Whole 30 for about a month and a half now".  But mainly, I clammed up.  Like, just snapped shut.  He offered to go get me what I wanted, and I said forget it.  It doesn't matter.  I don't want it.

And I just kept working.  Working, working, working.

But I was hurt.

--

At some point I grabbed a banana.

Then later - much later - I had him peel me a potato for the air fryer.  I crammed that down with some ranch.  I ate some cole slaw veggies in the remaining ranch on my plate. Then he cooked frozen steaks in the air fryer.  I ate maybe a few ounces of steak - it was red inside, which I don't enjoy, and it had some "weird spots" I couldn't handle.  

So, as you can imagine - after going, going, going like some kind of freaking machine ALL day - the bag of wavy Lay's called to me at about midnight.  And I ate them.

Zero regret here re: chips ... my only regret is that I didn't fuel myself properly throughout the day, and it affected my mood, and it caught up to me at a time when I should have been in bed.

Today is a new day.    Sending love, light, and good vibes out there to anyone reading.  "It's going to be okay!"

[ShadowInTheKitchen]

@Brewer5 oh you are in a super stressful situation, which I know you know... I hope that all goes well with the rest of the renovations.  A quick thought- do you have to go this weekend, or is it possible that you stay home to either ground yourself with a bit of self care or maybe do some more Reno work before she moves in? You know, kinda like ‘divide and conquer.’
Sending warm wishes and good luck your way. 
Shadow

[Brewer5]

@ShadowInTheKitchen ~ yes, I have to go.  My MIL has dementia and I will be the one in charge of her care.  This is a huge, big deal ... taking her from the tiny (tiny) town she's been in her entire life ... saying goodbye to her mom, son, grandkids, and her house.  Going away from everything she's ever known.

What a blessing that I went back to school, became an RN, and specialize in elderly / dementia care.  I understand what is going on with her, and I am a comfort to her in a way that perhaps her sons are not so much.  It's hard for them to recognize and deal with the disease and not look at her as same-old mom, and try to treat her in that manner.  It's a big transition ... and I definitely need to be there for my husband, and for her, at this time.

Also - I have 3 teen boys and 2 sheltie dogs at home.  Lol.  Enough said!  

[Brewer5]

So yesterday ended up looking like, "well, I guess I'll just do carnivore" with some cole slaw & ranch, potato & ghee thrown in later in the day.  Lol.  That's not carnivore at all.

Point being - there wasn't anything in the danger zone for me.  

I think I'll keep posting daily just to keep track of what's going on.

[Brewer5]

I got ready to head out the door to work yesterday - realized I hadn't eaten anything, and I had no plan.  Grabbed a pile of air fryer bacon sitting on the counter, and a teeny tiny can of tuna salad that I had gotten back when coronavirus first hit.  Because, you know ... we would all survive a really long time with that tiny can to save us!  

So I crammed that food down at about 4pm at work.

Got home at about 11:30 pm and had a big bowl of cole slaw veggies, with HB eggs chopped up in it, and an obscene amount of Tessamae's ranch.  That hit the spot - and I promptly passed out.  In my scrubs.  

[Brewer5]

Weighed in yesterday - 125.0

So I've actually lost another 1.4 lbs since I ended my last 30 days.

It's been a whirlwind these past couple of weeks.

We got our projects around the house wrapped up (or at least to a stopping point), took a bunch of stuff to storage, made it so our house isn't quite so much of an obstacle course.  

Went to Kansas, visited with family and picked up MIL, headed back home.  Got her settled in, had a rental house for 4 days for my oldest son's graduation party and his 19th birthday.  This house had a pool & hot tub, pool table etc - was a great venue for what we needed.  Thankfully it was only about 20 minutes from our house, so we came back here and slept at home instead of having to pack up everything we owned for 6 people ... and 2 dogs.  

Yesterday, the last of our visiting family headed out of town ... and now, things "settle" and we figure out our new normal.

There has been a lot of restaurant food in this time, one bowl of dirt pudding, and last night - I finally tried one of the GF cupcakes my sister had made for the party. Worth it?  No.  I'm sure they were excellent the day of the party.  Now they are dry, and I just sat there thinking, "Why am I eating this?"  Lol.

--

MIL is good.  I have a lot to straighten out with her finances, Medicare, etc. but it is doable.  She is sleeping through the night, sometimes more "with it" than others, and overall - in a good mood.  She's a trooper, and so am I - so that's part of what I love about her.  She's resilient.

She wants to be healthier and lose some weight.  She's already not eating bread and buns - ordering her food without.  She's asking questions, and thinking about her choices.  I think she really trusts us, and she wants to follow our lead.  No more buying gummy worms, etc. - all of those things she did when no one was watching and/or when she was staying with her mom, who is also a fan of sugar.

I would like to get back in for 30 days.  At the same time, I don't want to "announce" it here at my house, and make a big deal out of it.  So we'll see how that goes.

Today and tomorrow I go back to nursing for evening shifts (2-10).  It's been about 1.5 weeks since I've worked there - and I don't want to get out of the habit.  Financially, I really need to (somehow) still be picking up a few shifts per week.

My work-at-home job has been a joke - I have not found much time, and I feel like I am letting her down big time.  She would like for me to get back in the office with her sometime soon, and I told her next week is looking good for that.  Whew.  We'll see.

I hope you are all doing well.  I don't have time to catch up on journals - I'm sorry.  If you've read this far, I know you understand.

[Brewer5]

1 minute ago, Brewer5 said:

Oops didn't mean to do that lol

 

[Blueautumn]

On ‎6‎/‎9‎/‎2020 at 6:54 AM, Brewer5 said:

 

There has been a lot of restaurant food in this time, one bowl of dirt pudding, and last night - I finally tried one of the GF cupcakes my sister had made for the party. Worth it?  No.  I'm sure they were excellent the day of the party.  Now they are dry, and I just sat there thinking, "Why am I eating this?"  Lol.

-

My biggest issue with that is alot of the time i realize the food isnt worth it and yet i feel the need to finish it - like since ive already started it might as well not let it go to waste so i feel bad and arent even happy with the food! what a waste

So glad things are comin together and you are getting everything settled. It can be so freeing to get past those big stress obstacles...granted not to say things are easy now  

[Brewer5]

Thanks @Blueautumn for your continued support.   

It's been a couple of months now, since I completed my last W30.  I think.  I'm not even 100% sure, so I need to go back and look - and that is a big indication of how much has been going on, and how my mental clarity has dissipated.

Today is the day.  I need to regain that fire and energy that told me I could take all of this on to begin with.

Each day my life feels like a dream ... like I am floating along, being pulled this way and that by outside forces.  People, dogs, work, all of the daily things that keep a household running ... man, I'm juggling a lot right now - and I need to be my best for it.  

Just typing this, I have that little voice in the back of my head saying, "Are you REALLY going to do this right now, or are you going to reach a point later today where you no longer care, and then just look stupid for announcing it?"  ...I have been there, done that.

No.  For real.  Let's do this.

[Brewer5]

Ha ~ it's just been a little over 5 weeks.  

Last time I made it through 31 compliant days - so my goal this time is 32.  That would be through July 22.  

We are possibly making another trip across the country on July 23.  So that's perfect.

[MadyVanilla]

You are already doing it!  Putting it in writing is more binding than just thinking it .  I had the same thing a few weeks ago - I think my comment was something like, "I feel like a dog on a leash pulling as hard as I can against my handler.  I'm still going to do it even though I'm dragging myself into it."  And of course now, just starting my 3rd week, I can't believe I fought myself so hard.  Congrats to you for coming back! 

[Brewer5]

Day 1:  6/21/20

—

Starting weight:  124.8

—

9:30 am:  (2) eggs w/ ghee & coconut oil

Would have cooked more, but that’s all we had in the house.  Clearly there is some shopping to do.

—

2:15 pm:  bowl of homemade almond butter mix:  raw almonds, MCT oil, 100% cocoa powder, salt

I’ve made my own almond butter in the food processor, and have been eating this concoction, but with some maple honey added.  I finished the maple honey yesterday ~ how convenient.  It tastes just fine to me without it.

—

9:15 pm:  (2) chicken breasts cooked up w/ ghee & a can of diced tomatoes and green chilies

—

Might look like a weird eating day - but it feels like a major accomplishment.

I fought past a major urge to drink alcohol while I was fixing my supper.  Too many things going on at once + probably a day of underrating overall.  That desire to drink went away after eating.

Only downside to my supper was the big histamine hit - tomatoes are bad, and I think canned ones are even worse.  My eyes started watering like crazy, so I took an allergy pill.  I’m over it.  Histamine is almost impossible to avoid, so sometimes I may just have to medicate.

—

REALLY looking forward to going in to the office tomorrow.  I love my MIL dearly, but we will benefit from some time apart.  This living situation is not what either of us would have chosen for ourselves … so we both just have to make the best of it.

Had groceries delivered from Walmart for the first time tonight - oh my word, I'm sold.  I don't enjoy grocery shopping in the least, and I really hate going to Walmart.  Whole 30 food & frozen meals delivered right to my door?  Umm, yes please!   

[ShadowInTheKitchen]

@Brewer5 Welcome back, and here's to your next W32.  

I'm curious, how did you manage over the last ten days or so?  Were most of your meals W30?  Did you find yourself wanting to eat well as much as possible, or did you just say to heck with it?  I'm trying to picture how life will be for me after W30, knowing that I won't realistically eat like this forever.  

I hope that the transition in your home with your MIL moved in is going well.

[Brewer5]

@ShadowInTheKitchen ~ thanks for being here.   

I'm not sure that I'm the best person to give you a picture of what life will be like post-W30.  I think some people manage to keep good habits really well, some people go off the rails on the crazy train ... and I fall somewhere in the middle of that.

To be honest, my eating has not been that bad - and I have questioned (definitely last night, and also this morning as I type this) whether I really need to "do" another round.  But the alcohol had crept back in, every night for the past several - and that is a problem for me.  I've also noticed a mental fog settling in that I simply can't afford.  I have a lot of people depending on me - both at home, and at work - and I need to be the best I can be.

There has not been A Decision in my mind to throw out my W30 guidelines - but it has happened, nonetheless.  

One recent day of nursing, I went in the break room at work 3 different times and crammed down a combo of one GF Girl Scout cookie + a spoon of cheap crappy peanut butter.  I've also been buying diet mt. dew from the vending machine to "power through".

I know that I would have been better off going through the whole shift not eating at all - but those things are there, and they are free and available to me, and I have no hard-set rules ... so, in my mouth they went.

Stress is a factor - too big for me right now.  W30 eliminates the option of just being like "whatever" when it comes to food.  

I think I may continue to go through these cycles.  Whether that is the norm for others or not, I cannot say.

[Brewer5]

@MadyVanilla ~ yep, you've got it.  Exactly.  It takes me just a few days for those ridiculous urges to go away - and then it's pretty smooth sailing.  And I feel so much better, I think I will stick with this forever and be perfectly happy!

[Brewer5]

Day 2:  6/22/20

—

7:30 am:  1/2 banana

—

10:00 am:  homemade cocoa almond butter

—

SO happy to be back at work, at my non-stressful job, in the office again.  We had not been together in the office since early March, d/t this coronavirus mess.  I spent one day in the office last week.  It’s so nice to be able to focus on work & just work.  Working from home is NOT all it’s cracked up to be!  Not for me, anyway.

—

12:30 pm:  W30 frozen meal

—

2:15 pm:  homemade cocoa almond butter (again)

—

Having so - SO much trouble staying awake, sitting at my desk at work.  It’s BAD.  And there doesn’t seem to be enough coffee in the world to cure it.

—

5:30 pm:  steak fries cooked in air fryer w/ coconut oil & salt

—

9:00 pm:  finished that batch of almond butter (and probably shouldn’t make any more for awhile - I am just waiting for my gut to have its revenge!), tri-color cole slaw veggies w/ avocado ranch

—

This day was short on protein, but I’m okay with that.  I’m well aware of the meal template - but it works out best for me not to stress about it.  Each W30 is unique.  Compliant food is good enough for me, for now.   

[Brewer5]

Day 3:  6/23/20

—

11:15 am:  (2) HB eggs

I will possibly never eat eggs again.  This is the only thing I’ve had to eat today - and MAN, they sent my gut all a-rumbling.  I was fine before ~ now I’m not ~ doesn’t seem like rocket science to me.

I have always questioned eggs, but couldn’t pinpoint for sure.

Maybe it’s just HB eggs.  I don’t know.

—

1:30 pm:  can of tuna, tri-color Cole slaw veggies, avocado ranch

—

4:45 pm:  cocoa almond butter

Yes, I made some again.  My gut has NOT rebelled yet, so …

—

7:30 pm:  chicken breasts, avocado ranch, steak fries in air fryer

—

8:45 pm:  cocoa almond butter

—

Man, I wish I had some hard seltzer right about now.  Yikes.

[Brewer5]

Food yesterday (what would have been Day 4) was all compliant - but some other part of my mind took over, and I drank a diet soda on my nursing shift last night.  It was a choice ... it was my choice in that moment.  Was it worth it?  Probably not.  I don't know.  I have talked here before about the antidepressant effect of phenylalanine for me.  It's like rocket fuel to blast through a shift - and, good Lord, last night we had a million things going on in the building.  Everyone wondered if it was a full moon.  (It wasn't!)

I was up too late, and woke up feeling hungover.

Still - the goal is to be my best self - that hasn't changed, just because I decided to have a diet soda.  But I really need to work on my food choices.  I keep saying (and keep saying!) that I'm going to sit down and figure out the best low-FODMAP and low-histamine diet for me.  But I have yet to carve out the time.  Whole 30 gives me a good starting point - but it isn't enough to calm my swollen and angry gut.  Yesterday, things were not happy at all - and I had to take an Imodium just to get to work - and I'm sure that's part of what led to my "screw it" attitude when I got near the vending machine at work.

[ShadowInTheKitchen]

57 minutes ago, Brewer5 said:

I keep saying (and keep saying!) that I'm going to sit down and figure out the best low-FODMAP and low-histamine diet for me.  But I have yet to carve out the time.

If we have another world wide lock-down like what happened in March & April, this is what I would do.  I'm glad that I took time this spring to do some serious deep cleaning in my house, and to start this very successful W30, but now things are back to normal and busy as ever, and I really want a few days off  a few weeks off just to fix a diet and meal plan that's right for me. If only there was a W30 spa/retreat we could all meet up at...