Brewer5

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If you would have told me a couple on months ago that I would be sitting here ready to write this post - I don't think I would have believed it.  But here goes:

Alcohol has played a big part in my life since MIL came to live with us.  It started by buying some of those little cans of hard seltzer - low-carb sparkling water with alcohol - on our trip to go get her.  My husband and I went on that trip alone - and it just seemed like a relaxing "vacation" thing to do at the time.

That one moment set in motion an addiction - and I have had alcohol almost every evening since.  I figured out that the lower-carb white wines like pinot grigio are also super low-histamine, compared to reds - and I can "get away" with drinking that mixed with sparkling water, and not have it wreck my next day.

But is my next day ideal?  Am I feeling my best?  Of course not.

I'm not beating myself up for using this crutch to help get through this huge adjustment.  I'm not one to feel shame when it comes to my choices.  But I am ready to stop the cycle.  This is my life now - things are settling in to our new normal - and I do need to figure out how to manage my stress in other, more productive ways.

30 days of sobriety is in order, for sure.  Whole 30 is my ultimate reset.  My higher self knows this, and has guided me back here this morning.

So here goes.

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Day 1:  7/27/20

Starting weight:  120.4

Not necessarily trying to lose weight - just recording it here for future reference.

I overdid it with the alcohol last night.  Woke up this morning with a headache, low blood sugar feeling, and three trips to the bathroom.

I started to journal more about that, but later decided to delete it.  The main point is that I just want to feel good again.

I wasn’t able to sit down at the computer and keep great track of meals and times today - but I did keep the food compliant, and NO alcohol.  I haven't veered terribly far off course in the food department, so finding things to eat here at home was not a problem.

Just got done placing another Walmart grocery delivery order.  MAN, that has been a nice service to have - especially now that masks are mandatory in all public places in our state.  Honestly, who wants to go to the store?  I sure don't.

Overall, a good day.

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Day 2:  7/28/20

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Worked a nursing shift today, and just not much time for logging my food like I used to.  Deep thoughts might come another day, too.  :rolleyes:  

My food has all been compliant ~ this really hasn't been hard (and shouldn't be for me, anyway).  I think the tough moments will be when I really want a diet dew or alcohol.  Neither of those has hit me just yet.

@Amy_Michigan ~ thanks so much ~ good to hear from you!

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Day 3:  7/29/20

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This might end up being the most boring W30 log I've had yet.  I'm just not messing with logging my food - it doesn't matter.

What matters is that I've had another compliant day, and I intend for it to remain so.  @MadyVanilla ~ I wish the same for you!

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Yay compliant day! I struggle with food logging, too. My little rebel heart needs rules to break, so I’m happy to let it feel like it’s getting away with something. 

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Day 4 was yesterday - 7/30/20

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@KelseyClaire ~ thanks for stopping in!  Keeping a journal has always been a powerful tool for me, and I logged the food because I wanted to.  These days - I'm just too damned busy.  :blink:

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Its midnight- the start of my August whole30!  Ahhhh!!!!!  

Today was weird.  I got my second occular migraine of my life.  My vision had weird wavy/zigzag lines in the shape of a teardrop.  It went away in about a half hour.  I think they are usually caused by food, according to Google. But I have no idea what caused it.  I had just eaten a pancake with butter and maple syrup.  lol...not too many nitrates in bisquick I don't think.  *Shrug*

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Day 6 yesterday:  8/1/20

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This is going okay.  Cravings for dumb stuff are definitely tied to stress and/or going too long without eating enough protein.  That's not a shocking new revelation.

Last night after I plowed through a 9-hour shift, I came home and ate, and realized how overstimulated I felt.  That's the time when I'd be reaching for alcohol to just sort of mute the world around me and the swirling thoughts from work and life in general.  But - I didn't.  I just told myself it was time to close my eyes and go to sleep.

Today is a new day, and I don't have to work.  Focusing on self-care and getting some things done around the house, I suppose.  The first episode in a new season of Umbrella Academy finally came out on Netflix, and my youngest has been patiently waiting until our schedules line up so we can watch it together.  It's a rainy day ~ so, pretty sure I can make time for that. ;) 

@Amy_Michigan ~ one thing is for sure: that was a clear sign from your body!  That sounds rough.  I hope you feel better today.

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Day 7 yesterday:  8/2/20

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I don't have anything to say about yesterday.  It was compliant & fine.

Today I found out some news that I might want to bury in a bottle of wine tonight.  But guess what?  That news will still be there tomorrow.  And the next day.  And the next.  Forever.

So I won't.

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Day 8 yesterday:  8/3/20

Day 9 today:  8/4/20

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The urge was more strong than ever tonight, to throw this out the window and go buy some wine.  But I did not.  I'm eating compliant food & going to bed sober.

Sober isn't always a comfortable place to be ... but neither is hungover.  I've got stuff to do.  Stuff that matters.

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Day 10:  8/5/20

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The news I speak of (which I cannot yet bring myself to speak of here) is weighing heavy on my heart tonight.  I've stayed strong for other people, and I've held back the tears because I don't want to discuss it with MIL.  Man, it's weird having someone else living in your home ...  We get along fine, but this is deep and personal.  Very, very little is "mine" anymore.

So, I'm finally sitting outside, alone, late at night, and having a good cry.  The dogs don't mind.  :)  And they don't ask me any questions.

Tomorrow is a new day ~ and I'm looking forward to it.

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Thanks @Semi ~ I meant to say that above ^ but it deserves its own post anyway.

4+ years is a big, huge deal.  I appreciate you sharing your experience, and I definitely appreciate the encouragement.

There has only been one other period of my life where I drank on a nightly basis.  I didn't really consider it a problem at the time, and even looking back - I don't see that it caused any big problems.  But clearly it's not ideal.

This stretch lately was worrisome.  I don't want to go back there.

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11 hours ago, Brewer5 said:

There has only been one other period of my life where I drank on a nightly basis.  I didn't really consider it a problem at the time, and even looking back - I don't see that it caused any big problems.  But clearly it's not ideal.

This stretch lately was worrisome.  I don't want to go back there.

It is good to recognize that nightly drinking is not ideal!

That's always the first step for change!

 

I hope you had an amazing day! :)

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Day 12:  8/7/20

Today was a better day.  

Finally resolving some of the emotions I have had to work through pretty much on my own all week.

Things are looking up again, and I am so happy to be able to say that.

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