Like an Onion

[Brewer5]

On 2/27/2020 at 7:18 AM, Brewer5 said:

And I am learning to trust my gut -- both literally and figuratively.  (I have a strange gut, and that is a subject for a different day ... if I listened to my actual gut all the time, I may never leave the house.)   I can "read" people, ykwim?  So every interview is a chance to sharpen those skills.

No kidding ...

The last interview I had was with a facility 5 minutes from my home.  Talk about convenient.  The location would be perfect for SO many reasons.

As I posted this yesterday morning, I was thinking of that facility.  That interview.

Found out yesterday morning (completely by chance) AFTER I'd posted that - that the DON who was there, the one I had an interview with - has been fired for embezzling money.

She'd only been there since November, and the gut feeling I had about her was the #1 reason I did not pursue their offer.

---

Also, going along with the quote above about gut issues ...  I DID have a bit of a derailment yesterday, but I did NOT end up going to the Art & Wine thing.  

Turns out wine & chocolate doesn't really sound good to me at all right now ... and that is probably heavily related to where I'm at in my cycle.  I had no desire to indulge in those things + it sounded like my boss was going to be busy doing things on the computer + it was so cold & windy.  Last thing I wanted to do was leave the house again after I got home from work.

All that really happened was that I had an unusually busy morning here {details, blah blah, doesn't matter} and I waited too long to eat.  So by the time my son had hot gluten-free chicken nuggets coming out of the air fryer (because their school was cancelled yesterday), I found myself just eating them.

Then my husband got "Keto pizza" from Papa Murphy's {this means: just toppings, lol} in the evening, and by that point ~ I was just like, whatever.

And what all of this has to do with my gut is this:  I am really, really tired of being bloated and gassy.  Really, really tired of eating W30 foods day after day after day that I KNOW cause me digestive problems.  I don't want to be taking Imodium every day ... and sometimes, I am.

So I've been trying to phase out the bars, and finish up the frozen meals.  I've been thinking I need to actually get back to low-FODMAP ... and stop shitting around.  

[Brewer5]

Day 1 again today ... and you'd think perhaps I'd get tired/embarrassed posting that ~ but not really.  Each time, it feels like "Whew, I wandered off in the woods there for a minute, and that was kind of scary!" and it's really just relief to be back on the intended path.  It feels good.

Got my hair done yesterday ~ that's always time well spent with an old friend: my hairdresser.    I have talked many times about us getting together outside of the salon and going to lunch sometime ... but we never actually have.  Yesterday there was talk of a 4-wheeling / camping trip.  The poor girl has never rode a 4-wheeler, and she wants to.  I now feel it's my duty to correct that.  Haha.  But seriously ~ would be cool if we could actually plan a trip this year.  "Someday" is just BS, sometimes.  I'm like: no, seriously, let's do it.

I've been natural, all shades of brown, blonde, and red ~ but I've never done anything quite like this:

Wild orchid.  I love it.

What does it say about me?  

It actually represents a lot of different things that I have going on right now.  I joked with my husband: "Business in the front, party in the back".  Lmao.

I don't know.  There's probably a giant post in my mind for this one.  I could think long and deep.  But for now ~ I'm off to kick this weekend's ass.  GOAL: get this flooring done.  

Hope you all are doing well!

 

[BabyBear]

I love love love your new hair!  So sassy yet a little classy too!  

[Brewer5]

Thanks, @BabyBear ~ it's one of those things I've thought about over the years, and finally was like "Yeah, let's do it."

Day 2 today, and it was not a great day ... so I won't post a lot.  I'm just not feeling it.  Really I just need to say one word:  TEENAGERS.  

Tomorrow is a new day.  Bring it.

[BabyBear]

@Brewer5 a great song by Macy Gray comes to mind “Teenagers”

 

if it ain’t your hormones it’s theirs.   Hang in there and don’t kill them off just yet they may still prove to be useful. 

[Amy_Michigan]

Glad you are still hanging in there!  Love your hair!!!  I'm struggling to restart day one after messing up...I'm in a transition and I just need to start day 1 again and have that first day be successful as a jumping off point.  And not just compliant..successful in a way that makes me feel proud of my food choices and meal template.  I know that's not required on a whole30 but I feel like if I don't do that I won't start off on the right foot.  However, I'm kind of on the same wavelength as you in my thinking that as long as I'm still here logging I'm at least being accountable and eating way better than I would be if I wasn't logging.  So it's all good.  

[Brewer5]

@BabyBear ~ that song made me literally LOL and probably cry some more this morning when I saw your message in my email.  I then texted it to my son's girlfriend's mom.  And shared it later with my husband.  It's a good one - thank you.

@Amy_Michigan ~ I hear you.  I'm sort of back to "fail to plan = plan to fail" (and I use the word "fail" loosely, as I don't really feel like a failure at all).  I decided to finish the frozen meals.  I decided not to buy any more RX bars or Larabars.  But what was my plan after that?  ... Well, see, I really didn't have one.  Lol.  My food today was pretty atrocious by W30 standards, but not that bad overall.  It wasn't compliant.  I'm sure I'll be posting a new Day 1 soon.  And that's okay.  I'm getting a lot of other good things accomplished right now.

Thanks for the compliments on my hair.  It hasn't looked that nice since the day I had it done, of course.    I'm too busy to mess with it most days.  But it was the first time my hairdresser has actually said, "Wait, let me take some pictures!" ~ so I'm glad she had fun with it.  My kids had me do all sorts of colors in their hair when we were homeschooling, and even when they first went to public school ... but I guess they grew out of it.  Now it's my turn.  I've decided you're never too old to have fun.  And anyone who judges me for it can stick their opinion where the sun don't shine.   

[BabyBear]

@Brewer5 ha I’m so glad you got a good laugh out of the song.  Sometimes we just need to laugh a little so we don’t kill anyone.  How’s the floor coming along?

[Brewer5]

7 hours ago, BabyBear said:

@Brewer5 ha I’m so glad you got a good laugh out of the song.  Sometimes we just need to laugh a little so we don’t kill anyone.  How’s the floor coming along?

I have about ... 1/3 of the master bedroom to finish ~ and then it will be DONE.

There are other rooms of the house I want to do, also, and I will ~ but the big push has been to get the flooring down in the rooms where I'd already torn out the carpet.  Turns out FHA wasn't a huge fan of letting our loan go through with concrete floors.    So I've had to get that done.  It's been completely holding up our refinance.

And I think I probably just realized this morning how much extra stress this has added.

Stress can be GOOD - I like doing the flooring.  But there are a lot of other things I have to do in life that I don't like as much ... and there are only so many hours in the day.  I could go on, but you all know what I mean.  Sometimes we take things on like Superwoman ~ and we can do it!  Because, of course, we are awesome.    But there needs to be a period of rest and recovery afterwards.  Your life can't be all Superwoman, all the time.

[Brewer5]

February numbers are in:

Again, we've spent about the same amount of money on food each month (too much) ~ but restaurant spending is down ~ even more than January was.  

In the 6 months prior to coming back to W30, we'd spent 33-56% of our food money at restaurants.

January was down to 20%.

February was down to 16%.

What's cool about this is that it's not really intentional - there has been no big announcement, like "Hey, guys, we're going to eat at home!"  

It's really just a result of me feeling better.  I lead the pack.

[BabyBear]

Oh no that’s ridiculous about the refinance.  Oops who would have guessed.  Saving eat out money is a great NSV.  We have definitely eaten out so much less, like from once or twice a day to once a week.  

[Brewer5]

Before the rest of my family wakes up ~ and while I can think straight:

Today I am 41 years old.

I've had at least a few grandmothers live to 100 years old - or close - but I don't see that it will be the case with me.  I have been a smoker - off and on - since I was 14 years old.  

So, let's just say I'm at a halfway point.

The past few days I have felt "off" - because I've been OFF.  I remember feeling really good ... I remember sitting here and the thoughts and ideas just flowing ... I remember feeling so good, like I could do anything.

I'm not even sure now when I got off track ~ and I'm not going to go back and look.  What I am sure about is this:  This has to stop.  There are too many things I want to do ... and too many days have gone by, not doing the very best I can do for my body.

---

Day 1 today.  No, there will not be wine - sorry, husband.  No, there will not be dessert.  I am over it.

I'm not going to sit here and say, "I really need to do ______" or "I am going to cut out _______".

I am going to STOP with the damned lotus flowers, and get on with living my best life.

[BabyBear]

@Brewer5 Happy Birthday!!!   it’s a great day to be a day 1!  It’s weird how time works for us and then all of the sudden some where along the way it works against us.  I’ll be 40 on the 16th and I was telling my dad I just don’t think I’m as old as he was when he turned 40.  Any whos Have a happy anniversary of your born on date doing only the things that truly make you happy!

[Amy_Michigan]

Happy Birthday!  Have a happy day!  I'm totally in this with you with the goal to feel good each day...why ruin any days of our remaining time on this earth doing otherwise?  

[Brewer5]

Well, guys ... I blew it.  Thanks for the birthday wishes!

Today I am 41 years, and 1 day old.  Lol.

It's okay ... it's okay, though.  Because I really figured out another layer ~ and that is:  I will eat things I don't "really" want to eat, because I am worried about the feelings of others.

A part of me wants to call this "peer pressure" ~ but it really isn't.  No one was pressuring me (well, not exactly) - but I did have to make a decision about dinner.  "It's your birthday - we'll do whatever you want."  <-- Okay, yes, that does feel like pressure to me.  But it's more of an internal pressure I put on myself.  You know what I mean.

I wasn't far enough along in my journey (AKA: Day 1 again) ~ and therefore, not confident enough to say: "Okay, I'm having a frozen meal, you guys can do whatever you want."  

I personally would have been very happy with a frozen meal & keeping the day compliant, like I said here I was going to do.    But that's not the choice I made - and yes, it was my choice.  I'm owning it.

---

I got the flooring done!  The appraiser came back out to see it at the end of the day on Friday.  Now he just has to file a quick 2-page report on Monday, and then hopefully we can get the refinance closed this week.  I do have that sense of "I'll believe it when the money is in our bank account" ... because it seems like there are so many things in this process that can go wrong.  This is why we've been in the same house for the past 17 years and not moved OR refinanced.  My sister has moved like a hundred times ~ and the thought of all of the ducks that have to line up in a row each time makes me want to barf.

I love the meme someone sent me years ago:  I do not have ducks.  I do not have a row.  I have squirrels, and they're at a rave.    

---

I hope we all can have a happy, healthy Sunday.  That's as far as I'm going with the proclamations at this point!

[BabyBear]

@Brewer5 the feelings of others are a strong hold for me.  My whole 30 also showed me this.  Ha my husband at one point after I politely declined one of his stark biscuits with cheese (YUM!) took me in his arms and said why are you doing this to yourself?  Is it something I’ve done or said because if it is I’m sorry and I love you just the way you are.  I finally came to the realization that most of the people in my life want me to be happy and as long as I’m happy with my decisions they will be happy too.  As for the others, and there are some, that are more concerned about me eating their food than they are about my happiness and well being, well they can Kiss This!  Because in all honesty if we try to make everyone happy we will destroy our life and health.  Now the tricky part is establishing what is in the moment that really makes me happy.

[Brewer5]

Thanks @BabyBear for sharing your thoughts ...  My family really is okay with whatever I decide to eat/not eat ~ no one really cares ~ I just put that pressure on myself of "It's my birthday, I have to choose..."

Today was a pretty weird eating day, and definitely not W30 compliant.  I'm not sure what the heck I'm doing.  

[Brewer5]

^ But that's not helpful - not to me, or anyone else.

Maybe I didn't feel like talking about it last night ~ but the whole point here is to figure out why I make the decisions I do, and how I can end up staying on a good path.  So let's explore a few thoughts.

1. Time change:  I hate you.  Every member of my family hates you right now.  We had a decent system down, then you come along and screw with it.
2. Oh, seriously ... it's going to be "that" time of the month again soon ... are you kidding me?  How long does this go on?  
3. Teenager flare-up, currently in progress.
4. Financial stress.  Apparently I can't stop working as an RN and still spend money as if I were - who knew?
5. And this is possibly the most important of all - the lynchpin:  I have not yet figured out the most optimal diet for me.  I often think I need to sit down and research for an entire day - just focus on making a list of low-FODMAP and low-histamine foods.  Figure out all of the mechanisms that are causing me to have a histamine problem in the first place (this is an area where I've done a lot of research in the past) - then figure out what I can do to support those systems.  There's also the subject of IBS - and zero denying that it is a factor, and must be taken into consideration in all food decisions.

So I get frustrated.  I throw my hands up mentally ~ and I'm like, "whatever".  Just - what. ever.  I get tired of thinking about it.  

But we have to think about it - don't we?  At least a couple of times per day ... and probably way more than that for most people.  We have to think about food.  We have to make choices.  I'm back at the point where I really don't know what choices to make, and that sucks.  I end up making some of the least optimal choices when I'm frustrated.

[Amy_Michigan]

I've been there when I tried AIP (autoimmune protocol of the Whole30) a few years back.  Because I have lupus, I feel this huge pressure to be on the perfect diet to manage it and reduce inflammation.  However, I have determined a few things about myself: 1. As much as I want to make a forever lifestyle change, my my mind/body/life cannot handle being that consistent.  Maybe some people can do that forever but I'm not one of those people.  2. I feel pretty good when I eat paleo/whole30 meals and avoid overeating.  Staples that have always worked well for me to keep me full and happy are sweet potatoes, pumpkin, and squash.  And I have gotten used to soup purees with added meat, or salad for any meal.

I think if we can find favorite fruits and vegetables that don't make our bodies feel bad, we can develop routines with recipes using those foods.  Even if I have an off week, I can always go back to that routine... that is what I'm trying to do now, anyway.  

[Brewer5]

Thank you, @Amy_Michigan ... and YES ... I have often thought to myself that perhaps I am going to live my life in these "cycles" ~ and that perhaps that is okay.  I'm not sure what all of the drivers are behind the shift when it occurs, but I've identified some of them in the post above.  There are more.  There are things I haven't even talked about here yet ~ just because there are only so many hours in a day, you know?  

I've been using the nicotine patch since October of last year.  I could not believe how unbelievably successful it was for me.  In the past, I'd gone cold-turkey, I'd used nicotine gum, lozenges, and drops.  I'd even experimented with Wellbutrin, which is supposed to help you quit - but had zero effect in that department for me.

I was driving along one day last fall, and thought to myself, "I wonder if you have to have a prescription for the patch?"  Being an RN - I feel like I should know everything (lol) - but alas, I do not.  So I googled it, and I thought, Holy. Crap.  Why did I not think of this before?!

It's been life-changing for me.  Because I have NEVER enjoyed the smell, the taste, the habit, of smoking.  I don't like how it makes me feel about myself.  I don't like how it interrupts my life and takes me away from whatever else is going on.  It consumes me.  Life revolves around when is the next break going to be.  It's terrible.  That's because the body is going through withdrawal basically all of the time.  Our bodies start processing and eliminating the nicotine immediately, so withdrawal begins to occur pretty much as soon as we put out that nasty cigarette.

I've lived a double life.  I never talked to anyone about being a smoker in nursing school - I didn't go out on class breaks with the other smokers, didn't smoke before going to class, and certainly not before going to clinicals.  I still smoke about 1-2/day now, most days, and my new employer and I have never discussed it.  I'm not saying she doesn't know or suspect - I'm saying, as far as I know, I've given her no reason to think about it.  I don't smoke in my car anymore (Good Lord ... YUCK.) and I have never gone to work with her, smelling like smoke.  It's always carefully arranged ~ that's what I'm saying.  I usually have one in the morning, before my shower, and occasionally one in the evening, before bed.

But back to the patch:  You start out with Step 1 (21 mg).  I chose from the beginning not to pay any attention to the directions re: length of phases - because I know myself too well, and I decided I would wear this freaking patch for the rest of my life, if that's what I have to do.  I even said this to my doctor, and he agreed with me.  He shrugged and said, "Some people do."  Well, great, because I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do anyway.  And he knows this.  Lol.  So I also did not keep track of how long I wore the Step 1 patches.  (It was longer than directed).  I moved down to Step 2 when I felt like perhaps I was a tad overstimulated, and that I could do without the extra nicotine.  The transition from Step 1 (21 mg) to Step 2 (14 mg) was uneventful.  I don't even remember anything about it.  Non-issue.

Where I'm going with all of this (and if you are still reading at this point, you are a true friend):  I moved down to Step 3 (7 mg) recently.  I think I was feeling so good on W30 ... and maybe I did feel overstimulated again ... so I thought it was time.  I just finished a 14-day box of Step 3 - used the last one on Monday.  So I will have to go back now and see if I started to take a nosedive around that time.  I think I probably did.  Because this transition was noticeable to me.  I also started smoking more.  

21 mg --> 14 mg is only a reduction of 1/3.

14 mg --> 7 mg is a reduction of 1/2.

So yesterday ~ having run out of the Step 3 patches, I grabbed my "emergency" patch from my wallet - which I had put there back in my Step 1 days.  I cut it in half - which the instructions say never to do - and so, I had 10.5 mg all day yesterday.  And that was good.  I've always suspected the whole "don't cut it in half" was a line of crap for them to make more money ... but I wasn't really sure about that, so I just followed the directions on that one in the past.  Which means I've probably spent way more money than I needed to.  Lol.

And if you're STILL reading (!) - I have typed all of this out in an effort to tell myself what I already instinctively knew:  I am not ready for Step 3, and my body does not fit into some cookie-cutter program.  Perhaps I need step 2.5 and then 2.75 to remain successful.  And yes, I know, true success in many people's minds will be nicotine-free.  Smoke-free.  But what is most important - honestly, the only thing that is important - is that I feel happy and successful.  No one else gets to define our successes for us.

[Brewer5]

I've gone back and looked now.  And here's what I think: 

I had already ordered the Step 3 patches, when I was feeling good - and thought I was ready.  By the time the Step 3 patches had arrived, and the Step 2 patches ran out ... I was not in such a good W30 place.  So = bad combo.

It's all just one big experiment, isn't it?  Life.  It just IS.

Also, looking back through my journal - I see that the furthest I've made it so far is 10 days.  That was only interrupted by the planned lunch with my employer (I am beginning to cringe at the word "boss" - that's not how we roll - we are a team).  So the little tiny baby goal in my mind, for now, is that at some point I'd like to make it to Day 11.

[BabyBear]

Goodness, combatting nicotine withdrawals are no joke.  Geesh woman you’ve got a lot going on.  Be kind be gentle and keep on trucking along.  I’m proud of you for not throwing in the towel and the fact that you keep coming back to work on those layers.  

[Brewer5]

Just checking in to say I hope you ladies are doing well.  Thanks for being there.

I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head ... too many.  I feel discombobulated, for sure.  

Why ~ why do I keep poisoning my brain with this nonsense?  In the moment, I think it will make me feel better ... the reality is that it never does.

[Brewer5]

So, I've gone back and looked ... and I've had 28 days that were not W30 compliant.  4 weeks of my life ~ gone.

I can't think of any food I've had that was "worth" how I'm feeling right now:

• fat
• depressed
• fatigued
• angry
• disorganized
• ugly
• embarrassed 

The great news is:  I know how to turn this around - and quickly.

Monday seems like a good day to start journaling again.  These past weeks, with everything going on in the world ... our lives completely changed ~ and in some ways, probably forever ... I have numbed myself to all of it with foods that wreak havoc on my body and mind.  That time has passed for me.  I am better than this, and I deserve better than this.

Tomorrow is a new day.  I'll be getting back to work (at home) after having over a week off for "spring break".  My husband returns to work tomorrow, as well.  The kids are still home, and don't start their e-learning plan for another week - but I have to get back to some sense of normalcy around here.  Our new normal, I guess.  It does not include diet Dr. Pepper (!) (WTF!)  or corn chips, or candy bars.

I hope anyone out there reading is doing okay ... doing well.  This is certainly not the time to sit around and eat junk.  If you, too, need a reset - let's do it together.

[Brewer5]

1 DAY of compliant food today ~ black coffee, sparkling water, and:

GV frozen butter chicken meal, homemade "steak fries" in the air fryer w/ unsweetened ketchup

(4) small chicken breasts w/ buffalo ranch, an apple

tiny can of V8

---

What a crazy time to try to eat W30.    Thankfully I already have several things in my house that are ok to eat, but ... this is interesting. Not like I have a stockpile of frozen meals ~ that would have been a pretty smart thing to do.  But I stopped buying mass quantities of them when I sadly had to admit that they weren't doing fantastic things for my IBS.

Hey, I'm happy to have one day done & already feel much more clear-headed.  So much in life is a day at a time now.  I'll take it.