Brewer5

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@Brewer5  girl you weren’t the only one.   After my birthday life threw some pretty hard fast balls my way and I’m pretty sure I struck out so hard.  Good news is I have another at bat and I’m ready.  The world came to a crashing halt, I lost my grandmother just a few hours after arriving at her home for a visit (22 hour drive).  Not being able to have a proper funeral, watching some of her children descend upon her remaining affects like vultures before her body was even laid to rest.  The events that provide the majority of our household income for the year canceling as far out as May and maybe more to come.  So much crazy!  I coped by eating all the things and hiding from all the roaring emotions.  So I’m back home now and Day 1 Reset starts today.  We can do this together!

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Honestly ... I feel like a broken record.

I HAVE to get my head back in the game.  I'm working at home 20 hours per week + just started my new online bachelors degree program ... I'd like to be putting 15-20 hours of study time into that, now, as well.  That doesn't sound like a lot - but with the kids home from school (for the rest of the school year - was just announced today) - there are so many distractions.

When I'm not eating well, I can just feel the difference in my brain and body, and it is so obvious.  Like trying to sprint through mud.  :rolleyes:  Ridiculous.

I said on here before that I'd just like to make it through 11 days.  The furthest I've gone (this year, on this journal) is 10 days.  If I can make it to Day 11 - I should be SO over the hump, that it should be no big deal to make it through Day 12, and beyond.  What the heck else do I have going on in April?  NOTHING.  No lunch dates with my boss ... or anyone.  Because lunch dates are now impossible.

What derailed me this afternoon was 1/2 bottle - not even an entire, fresh, crisp bottle - of Diet Dr. Pepper that I'd started last night and not finished.  After that, well, my brain says "screw it" and the rest of the day is just, whatever.  Sit down with a giant bag of roasted salted peanuts in their shell, because that sounds like fun?  Sure!  Why not?!  {Umm, perhaps because I eat so many in one sitting that I can't decide which one is going to explode first - my pounding heart, or my bowels!   LOL.  ...Not funny...}

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On 4/2/2020 at 10:56 PM, Brewer5 said:

Honestly ... I feel like a broken record.

It will come, one day it will click and you will be off and running again.  Focus on the positive things you are doing for you.  We can do this. We can be better. We can have control.

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THANKS @BabyBear ... I just got caught up on your journal ~ as you can see, with all of the "likes".  :)  I don't think I am an over-liker ... I try hard to not like just for the sake of liking.  Lol.  Really, there is so much to like there.  You are making great progress.

It's really as if there are two of us inside, isn't it?  And I'm sorry to see you struggle, while at the same time being so glad to know that it's not just me.  

There is The Strong Me ... who knows that, along with the self-discipline in my food choices, comes the self-discipline in almost all other areas of my life.  That is needed, and I begin to feel so much more confident and happy overall.

There is The Rebellious Me ... the one who gets so tired of thinking about all of it ... and leads me down a path of destruction.  That's not drama.  Each time she wins a battle - I'm taking the chance that she wins the war.

I sit here and think, "Good Lord ... why am I talking about food with terms like "war" and "destruction"?

And the answer that comes back to me:  "These things you've been eating are not food."

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Day 1 - unpacking my backpack

{rummaging around} ... Let's see ... what all do I have in here?

Too much to list.  :lol:

I'm dumping it all out on the floor now, for a careful re-pack.

---

My MIL is 66 years old, and as far as I can tell at this point - will be soon be leaving the tiny town, where she was born and has lived her entire life - to travel 795 miles, to come and live at our house.

She is currently being evaluated at a mental health facility for at least a week.  What we have been told so far is: mild to moderate dementia.  There is a conference call scheduled for this afternoon with her care team, where they will share their findings and recommendations.  We've been told she cannot live alone when she leaves - she either needs to be with family, or in assisted living.

She does not know this yet.

She is convinced that she is going to get out & go stay with her 86-year-old mother again, who has been trying to care for her these past few weeks, since the paranoid delusions and hallucinations began ... or came to light.  Her mother has already stated that she cannot do it, which breaks her heart.  But she cannot.

Perhaps I spent two years of my life in nursing school and became an RN for this moment right here.  That is what I have been telling myself.  Perhaps I worked 1200+ hours last year in long-term care ... for this moment, right here.  Because I do feel prepared ... I do have a pretty good idea of exactly what I am getting into.  I'm not scared.

But you know what is scary?  The thought of ending up in the same boat, due to my lifestyle choices.

Each day lately I've been going through the same infuriating cycle of starting out with the best of intentions, and then - "tomorrow I'll do this" and "tomorrow I'll do that".  What a load of crap.  

Today IS tomorrow.  Time to get with the program.

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Day 1 continued ...

My husband got home from work at 4:15 am ~ and that ferocious baby girl in my avatar howled at him coming in the door, as if we were being attacked.

Well.  That's one way to wake up.  :lol:

So it's not even 7:00 am, and I've already had two cups of black coffee.  

I just now took an Imodium - which I am going to start logging here, as the only thing in red - because my consumption of Imodium is a strong indicator of two things for me:  1) the quality of food choices for my body, and 2) how well am I managing my IBS/anxiety.  Yes, sometimes I have anxiety without IBS flaring up - and sometimes I have IBS flaring up when I do not feel anxious ... but the two - so very often - go hand-in-hand.

I think in the past I have tried to save everything up for one big post each day, and I'm not really sure what is the point in that.  Important Things are perhaps missed.  I can post here on my own log 10 times a day if I'd like to - and if it's too much for people to read, they won't.  {shrug}.  As we've talked about here before ~ the journal is for ourselves, ultimately.  Having people along on your journey, who sometimes lift you up, is a bonus.

---

Thinking of all I ate yesterday that now has my stomach churning and 3 trips to the bathroom before 7 AM ... wow.  

I had a nice W30 frozen meal for breakfast.  I had a banana for a snack.  

"Lunch" looked something like:  

  • some new chocolate-covered Oreo candy concoction I found on a rare trip to the grocery store with my husband yesterday (and I will note here: how strange it was to read that @BabyBear JUST had a dream about Oreos)
  • mozzerella sticks from Arby's - the larger 6-piece, of course
  • diet Dr. Pepper
  • Lays (?) Poppables (?) chips - some crap I'd never had before, but my husband bought with a "free" coupon ... they weren't even good - tasted greasy, and not in a good way - yet I kept munching ....
  • and then: just the roast beef from an Arby's sandwich at this point - when the logical part of my brain says, "Dude, eat some PROTEIN."

I had gluten-free pizza for supper, and finished off what was left of those stupid Oreo candies.

Cannot imagine why my body feels this way .............. Good thing I know how to turn it around.

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M1 - one of my favorite meals ever - making my own simple tuna salad:  can of tuna, Tessamae's ranch, frozen blueberries, chopped macadamias, salt.

Making myself eat M1 earlier in the day like this is key to success.  I do myself no favors when I get all jacked up on coffee in the morning, then go from not feeling hungry at all --> really hungry, in what feels like about 2.2 seconds.

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I fell asleep (passed out) after I posted M1 ... slept until my phone dinged at me around 9:30 am ... woke up and promptly ate a banana, and made another cup of coffee.  I drink too much coffee - no news flash there.

This is an atypical day, with the puppy waking me up so early, for sure.  Not a reason to dissolve into a pile of junk food, though.

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M2 - 2:30 pm after a walk with the family:  chicken breasts w/ Tessamae's buffalo ranch, potato/sweet potato/broc/caul mix w/ ghee & coconut oil

Amazing how good W30 food always tastes after eating junk for awhile.

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11 hours ago, Brewer5 said:

It's really as if there are two of us inside, isn't it?  And I'm sorry to see you struggle, while at the same time being so glad to know that it's not just me.

Yes! sometimes more than two.  I also get the war terms.  It IS a battle and a war that rages on inside of us and on the outside too.  I feel like the Roman Empire at times having made great conquest but then struggling to keep the ground I’ve gained against the marauders and barbarians within me.  The Barbarians broke the line in March but I called in the seasoned battle troops and they arrived April 1st and are cleaning up the mess, but it definitely proven to be a difficult job this go round.  

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11 hours ago, Brewer5 said:

I just got caught up on your journal ~ as you can see, with all of the "likes".  :)  I don't think I am an over-liker ... I try hard to not like just for the sake of liking.  Lol.  Really, there is so much to like there.

I was so excited to see all your likes in my notifications.  I was like oh my whole 30 pal made time to read up on my log!  I journal because it helps me process and keeps me on track and honest.  But I’m glad it has been a source of encouragement to others too.  

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10 hours ago, Brewer5 said:

I can post here on my own log 10 times a day if I'd like to - and if it's too much for people to read, they won't.  {shrug}.  As we've talked about here before ~ the journal is for ourselves, ultimately.  Having people along on your journey, who sometimes lift you up, is a bonus

This!  I journal all throughout my day.  And then post my “captains log” at the end of the day or the next.  I tried journaling at the end of the day but I forget the little things that are important and honestly by nightfall I’m too tired to journal.

 Post 100 times a day! I’ll read em all!

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Imodium again ~1 hour after that M2 ... I have never done well with broccoli and cauliflower + still recovering from yesterday's nonsense.  I use the multi-symptom kind, that also has simethicone for gas - and I only take one pill at a time (instead of the recommended two), unless it a really bad situation.  Just felt the need to state that here - in case it looks to anyone like I am using A LOT of Imodium.  :rolleyes:  

So the conference call re: my MIL was at 4:00 pm, and did not go well at all.  I'm not going to type a book about it - I'll just say that things are very "up in the air" right now, and hopefully there will be direction and clarity regarding that situation soon.  Where I'm going with this: I found myself chugging down a diet Dr. Pepper, while I was on the phone with various family members, giving them the update about this absolutely ridculous turn of events.

And then I decided to do something differently.  I decided - instead of letting my brain go to the place of "Oh, screw it, now this day is ruined" ... I decided to just move on with my Day 1 plan.  No junk food or self-flagellation required.

Now - I'll say right here - I am well aware that this is NOT a Whole 30.  And I'm also aware that an "all or nothing" mindset does not necessarily serve me well.

So in the evening, I had M3 - chicken breasts and diced golden potatoes with Tessamae's ranch.  And life went on.  And it was good.

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10 hours ago, Brewer5 said:

And then I decided to do something differently.  I decided - instead of letting my brain go to the place of "Oh, screw it, now this day is ruined" ... I decided to just move on with my Day 1 plan.  No junk food or self-flagellation required.

YES! YES! YES!  I am cheering so loudly for you right now.  This is huge!  Like a really big stinking deal big.  Being able to apply the brakes and say I did this but it doesn’t warrant me throwing out the baby with the dishwater is hard, super hard, and you were able to do just that.  

I am so sorry the calls did not go well.  I remember when my Nana (dad’s mom) got to the point where she couldn’t live on her own any longer her care all fell on my mom.  Well my mom picked it up and took such good care of her.  Her daughters were grateful but wouldn’t/couldn’t provide care for her the way my mom did.  I do hope answers are discovered and plans can be set and what is absolutely best for your MIL can be acted upon.  You are an amazing and compassionate person to be willing and even consider taking on such a monumental task.  

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@Brewer5 in the words of Dorry the fish “just keep swimming swimming swimming”. 

The question of the day? How can I make my next bite of food compliant.  Don’t worry about the future just get your arms around the moment you are currently in.  

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I realized just now ~ mine is the only journal on the first page of W30 journals that has a start date of December.  Lol.  Some might say, well, it doesn't belong here - because it's not a W30.  I say, it MIGHT turn into a W30 one of these days ... so, what a great example it can be of the very real, back-and-forth struggle that so many of us go through, leading up to finally getting our shit together. ;) 

---

Day 1: Groundhog Day

groundhog-day-bill-murrayjpg-26978fbed77

^ YES ... this is me ... smiling and enjoying the ride.

The groundhog looks panicked ~ but nope, I'm having fun.  :lol:

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Today, so far, has been even better than the puppy waking me up the other day at 4:15 am.  My husband got home at 2:30 am this time, and the dogs stayed silent.  But - I awoke from my Papa John's gluten-free pizza coma - which had commenced on the couch, sometime around 10:30 pm.  In my half-asleep dream-state ... I had it in my head that what I was hearing was him outside the front door, unable to get in with his key.  So I jumped up, ready to go let him in - and then, there he stands, already in the entryway - which made me jump / scared the shit out of me.  :rolleyes:

So I start talking ... you know, we aren't supposed to do this ... it's pretty much a rule that when he gets home in the middle of the night, we shouldn't talk.  We need to get our sleep.  But I start talking, because I've had pizza and I'm crazy thirsty now, so I'm chugging a sparkling water ... and, well, because these quiet moments when the kids are all sleeping and I can be heard are just so. damn. rare.  

So of course this is all fine and dandy, until he shares something with me that a friend at work said to him tonight ~ which just pisses me right off, and then I start crying ~ so, now here I am.  Yes, I decided to go ahead and turn the coffee pot on, and went outside to smoke with a cup of coffee at like 3 am.  I'm already FULLY awake ... might as well get some work done.  I am not doing well with getting my work done at home - not my work work, or my school work - because there are so many distractions, and I do not have a space here that is mine.  I've been working on finding a solution for that - but, in the meantime ... sadly, I've found myself thinking a lot lately, "Well, if I could just stay up all night, and not need to sleep..."

We all know that's not a real possibility, and we all know that is not remotely good for us.  But I know you ALL know exactly what I mean.

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On 4/8/2020 at 12:00 PM, BabyBear said:

 You are an amazing and compassionate person to be willing and even consider taking on such a monumental task.  

I'm sorry ~ I didn't really address this.

I don't know ... I think I have moments where I am that person you speak of, and I also have moments where I already feel so defeated ~ I think, "Really? Am I really going to take this on?"   I'd say that's normal for anyone in my position.

My MIL got out of the mental health facility and went back to stay with her 86-year-old mother for now.  I won't even get started on the details of this mess with the conference call, and with the "professionals" at the facility  - but, clearly, staying with her 86-year-old mother is NOT going to be a long-term solution.  We are taking things one day at a time, checking in with them daily.  IF she is going to end up with any other family - it's us.  Otherwise, she will have to be in a memory care unit somewhere.  Then the decision then will be whether it is 800 miles away from us - or, right here in our (bigger) town, where there are more places to choose from - and where we will still be the ones responsible for her care, just not 24/7/365.  You know what I mean.

It's been a roller coaster these past few weeks, since MIL started really rolling downhill.  That has consumed A LOT of our time and mental energy ... and that is contributing to me feeling like I can't get solid footing on the work I need to be doing here, too.

I still haven't done any work.  I'm up in the middle of the night ~ and here I am, posting.  Again.  Lol.

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6 hours ago, Brewer5 said:

I think I have moments where I am that person you speak of, and I also have moments where I already feel so defeated 

The willingness and even the thought to consider to provide the care in the midst of thoughts of defeat is exactly what makes me say you are full of compassion and an amazing individual.  We ALL struggle with doubt, fear, defeat, even darkness.  The heroes are those who press through all that to care for others in whatever manner of form that takes on.    

I was reading and got me thinking about the wilderness.  We all have periods of wilderness, the unknown. The unknown is daunting and can be terrifying especially to those who tend to overthink everything and struggle with anxiety.  As we move into a wilderness it’s hard at first, but as we work and toil to make a place for ourselves in that wilderness we grow and we begin to “tame” and chart that wilderness.  The wilderness becomes ours, it becomes familiar, it becomes “normal”.   Every wilderness we have walked before has prepared us for the next.  Whatever the next wilderness that lies ahead of you, you have it within you to survive and even thrive within.  

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Day 1: 4/14/20

That makes Day 31: 5/14/20

Weighed in today ~ after my shower, but before food:  131.2 lbs

I have never done W30 with weight loss as a goal.  That may not sound like a lot of weight to some people - but that is every bit of 20 lbs. overweight for my frame, and the highest weight I have seen in a very long time.  What’s worse: the last time I saw that weight was when I had been working on building some SERIOUS muscle.

This is not muscle.  This is good-old, thighs rubbing together, double-chin, cellulite dimples and ripples - FAT.  And now I’m pissed.  Perhaps that’s what I needed all along: to just get really pissed off.

Watched an episode of Real Time With Bill Maher yesterday with my husband - lots of jokes about food and everyone now having an eating disorder since coronavirus, etc… we LOL’d, and it was a good show - but it really is. not. funny.  It isn’t.  What this is doing to our people is scary and in some ways, just plain ridiculous.

I’m taking BabyBear’s suggestion of keeping a log throughout the day on my computer and then posting it all at once at the end of the day.

Morning was just 3 cups of black coffee.

12:15 pm:  M1 - a butter chicken GV frozen meal w/ ghee added and salt.

I’m throwing away all of my nicotine gum … I’ve HAD IT with the artificial sweeteners - plus it expires this month.  I put my 7 mg patch back on today (that’s the lowest dose) - I had stopped wearing a patch altogether at some point after I posted my thoughts here about it, and I’ve been alternating between smoking and chewing the gum.

Geez, I sound like a mess.  Being a mess is one thing - but now I’m a fat mess.  And that is unacceptable.  LOL.

12:55 pm:  Trying to work on school work - my husband wants to take the dogs for a walk.  Making myself go.  I’m always glad I did.

4:00 pm:  M2 - tuna salad made w/ ranch, frozen blueberries, chopped macadamia nuts.

5:00 pm:  Beginning to feel that afternoon slump, for sure.  I have mentally noted over the past few days that I can do *really well* keeping things compliant until about 6:00 pm … and then something changes … and I’m at the point of “just don’t care” and find myself reaching for a diet soda.  It all goes badly from there.  I think it really, really does make me more hungry.  I’ve been thinking I need to figure out what I can do to avoid this.  Perhaps I just need more WATER.  I’ll have a sparkling water now (or two!) and see if I can power through.

7:45 pm:  M3 - an entire package of Butcher Box (compliant, of course) bacon, an apple, and too many pistachios.  Does that sound like a well-constructed meal, or what?  Haha.  “Oh well” is what I say to that.  The bacon is ENTIRELY too salty when eaten by itself like that - and I am a lover of salt.  So I don’t think I’ll be doing that again.

Having my last cup of coffee for the day, and yes I know that is ridiculously late.  But no soda today (!) so what-ev-er.

It’s 8:15 pm now, and my family is snacking on things like chocolate covered peanuts and Jell-O no bake cherry cheesecake.  I’ve got one fully compliant day complete, and I’m cool with that.  :) 

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Day 2:  4/15/20

I have seen a dramatic change in my outlook just in the past 24 hours.  Yesterday, I spoke with my course instructor for the first time - and I was like, “I haven’t made much progress so far - I just can’t get my head in the right place.”  Etc. etc.

This morning I spoke with my program mentor, and I feel like it’s all turned around.  I focused JUST on school work yesterday (instead of work work)  and made some real progress.  My husband and I were up late last night, finally creating a study space where I can go to “get away”.  I discovered “Nature Sounds for Focusing” on Amazon Music, to listen to while I’m working … and that helps drown out the kids, the TV, the dogs, etc.

I’m not talking to these people about W30 - but, come on.  We all know that a HUGE part of this shift is not putting junk into my body that messes with my outlook and productivity.  I always feel SO much better, even after just one day.  The key is going to be stringing these days together.

12:30 pm:  M1 - frozen broccoli orange chicken GV meal w/ ghee and salt.

2:20 pm:  Pistachio & RX bar snack while doing school work

I definitely did not get enough sleep last night … PLUS it’s a rainy, cloudy day.  Sitting here falling asleep while trying to study.  And I have a lot of work (work work) to do today, also.  Powering through with more coffee - strong coffee!  And getting to bed earlier tonight, for sure.

5:30 pm:  Got back from a FRIGID walk with the dogs … all I could think about when we got home was diet Dr. Pepper.  It’s here - it’s in the fridge!  But I resisted.

Pistachios & RX bar probably ended up being “M2” technically … :mellow: and did NOT make me feel good.  Shocker, I know!  I took one acetaminophen/aspirin/caffeine “migraine relief” tablet before our walk, because I felt like such poo.

Only got about 6 hours of sleep last night, so I know this is contributing to my overall feeling of just: blah, and pissed off.

Going to have a nice BIG M3 here in a little bit, and get to bed at a decent time.  I know I will wake up tomorrow feeling like a new woman & proud of myself for getting through another compliant day.

7:30 pm:  M3 - steak, potatoes & veggie blend w/ ghee, salad w/ caesar & HB eggs, RX bar, unsweetened almond milk

Have felt a little bit like my throat was trying to be weird / get sick these past couple of days.  That definitely is not getting better.

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