Brewer5

Like an Onion

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Day 3:  4/16/20

While I was completely ready to go to sleep at a very decent time last night - shortly after dark - the rest of my family is on a schedule that sucks.  I could turn this around 100% if it weren’t for my husband’s job … he is often sleeping during the day out of necessity, which keeps me from just blasting the music and the vacuum cleaner etc each morning when the puppy wakes me up at sunrise.

So I had a couch-nap of an undetermined amount of minutes, then woke up and was up until midnight doing work on the computer - until I absolutely, positively, could not keep my eyes open.  Seven straight hours of sleep is “ok” … still feel like I need more.

Feeling thankful this morning for my job, where we moved seamlessly into work-at-home mode.  I applied for this job as a part-time side-gig, in addition to nursing - not intended to replace it.  That was back in November.  Never (ever) could have imagined the current state of the world.

I applied to two long-term care facilities over the weekend, in a moment of panic about our finances - and, as far as I can tell, temporary insanity.  Lol … but really not funny.  My employer sent me an article last night about what is going on in our county - they are trying to “close the borders”, as far as not letting facilities transfer residents in from a facility in another county next to us - where I just learned 24 people have died from coronavirus.  Shit is getting real, and close-to-home.  That facility has 74 beds - losing 24 of their residents means ONE THIRD.  Absolutely heart-breaking … and I cannot imagine working there right now.  Long-term care is a BEAST of a job, even on its very best day.  And we grow to love the residents, regardless.  They are like family.  Both places I left last year - it was a terrible feeling, because I never wanted to leave my people.  Unfortunately, my people were in THAT work environment.  Can’t have one without the other.

So here I am, safe and cozy in my home … with my half-the-hours, half-the-pay job.  Many people don’t even have that option.  Counting my blessings.

The financial mess?  Well, if you look at it in black-and-white on my spreadsheets … it does look like a real conundrum.  But there are things we can do to close the gap between what we’ve been spending and what we are bringing in.  I don’t THINK I have to go out and risk my life (and that of my entire family) to solve this particular puzzle at this point.

On the job postings on indeed - I found a long-term care facility in CT (appears to have confirmed COVID-19) in urgent need of help.  Pay is $90/hr, guaranteed 48+ hours per week.  Looking for a commitment of at least 3 weeks, with possible extension.  They’ll pay travel expenses and single occupancy hotel room.  Wowzers … WOW … that is a lot of money!  But how do you put a price on this situation?  What $ amount is worth going out there and exposing yourself, and knowing that you won’t have proper protection?  The ad could have said $190 per hour or $590 per hour … I think I’ll stay right here for now.  And THAT is a terrible place for nursing to be.

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Day 3:  4/16/20 (cont)

I really am proud of myself for making it through yesterday without any diet soda.  The struggle is REAL.  I was googling articles about withdrawal last night … found one on Live Strong’s website where they wanted to go on and on about how it is *just* withdrawal from caffeine.  I call MAJOR bullshit on that one.  I don’t know if I will ever look at their articles again.

Phenylalanine is an amino acid with *analgesic* and *antidepressant* qualities.  Remove a major source - aspartame - and what do you feel?  Body aches and depression.  I would say an overall feeling of “not well”.  Come on … this isn’t rocket science, people.

The great news is that I DO have a supplement here that contains phenylalanine - and that I am educated on the matter - and I will experiment with that supplement again, if needed.  More good news:  phenylalanine is also found in … whaddya know?  Protein sources.  ;)

Last night, while I was battling this craving in my mind … I just kept thinking, “I can’t feed it.  It will just start the withdrawal process all over again.”  And that is true.  So.  HUGE accomplishment.

There is much more to the story of phenylalanine and diet soda.  I’ll stop there for now.  Clearly, the addiction is real - and for a variety of reasons.  If it were JUST about caffeine - that would be an easy fix.  But it most certainly is not.

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Day 3:  4/16/20 (cont)

My throat still definitely feels weird.

I started taking cetirizine (Zyrtec) 10 mg tabs, these past two nights.  Yes, I have histamine issues ~ and I’m fed up with it.  I haven’t taken allergy medicine since WAY back in elementary school - when they had me on the prescription Seldane, which was completely withdrawn from the market after discovering it caused cardiac arrhythmia.

As a nurse, I have learned ALL about meds … but I am not a fan of “a pill for every ill” - not at all.  In fact, the amount of pills I handed out each day to my residents was sometimes just borderline ridiculous.  So I do not make these choices for myself lightly.  I’m aware that ALL drugs have side effects, and we each have to weigh the pros and cons.

At this point, I’m willing to give it a try to see if I can get some of these symptoms of histamine issues to calm down.  It’s not a long-term *cure* - it’s not getting to the root - but if it helps manage symptoms until I get in a place where I feel better overall and can tackle that root - I’ll take it.

10:20 am:  Just finished cramming down TWO chocolate sea salt RX bars, in addition to my morning coffee.  {facepalm}  Clearly these should not be in my house.  Moving on.

1:25 pm:  big chicken Caesar salad (2 chicken breasts) w/ crumbled bacon

Sitting outside doing work on the computer, and soaking up the SUN while I can.  Tomorrow is supposed to get really cold and rainy again.  When is this crap going to end?  Seriously.

3:30 pm:  Took a short nap on the couch … just wasn’t feeling great at all.  So I missed out on the walk with the dogs today, which pisses me off.  Woke up and crammed down another two RX bars and a glass of unsweetened almond milk.  :ph34r:  ...I know, people.  I know.  This is still not as ugly as this day could be if I were NOT on a W30 … and yes, that is my measuring stick, as of today.  It won’t be this way for the entire W30.  Promise (to myself).

I’m really pissed off about possibly getting sick again.  I was just sick with some virus (who knows what) back in March.  It hung on for every bit of two weeks before I called myself “over it” … and since then, the fluid feeling in my left ear has not EVER gone away completely.

8:00 pm:  salad - lettuce, (3) HB eggs, avocado ranch - and pistachios

I didn’t really battle any non-compliant cravings today ~ overall, I'd rate this day as: pretty decent.

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Day 4:  4/17/20

8:50 am:  The last two RX bars, and black coffee as usual

This may look problematic at first glance … but what I’m focusing on is deeper, and more important to me at the moment: a gradual shift in my meal times.

First two days on W30, I was not eating any food until after noon.

Yesterday, it was 10-something in the morning.

Today, 8-something in the morning.

This shift needs to occur.  I’m all for IF/compressed eating window, if it works for people, and if that's your thing.  But my research and personal experience has clearly shown that we should be eating in the daylight hours.  I want to be eating a real, hearty breakfast again someday (soon) - and not putting any food in my mouth after dark.  I have been there before, and it is a GREAT place to be.  So, hey, it's RX bars for now - because they were calling my name, and they need to not be in my house.  Tomorrow, it will be something more substantial.  ;)

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Day 4:  4/17/20 (cont)

I want to make note that my brain is feeling less “noisy” - less overstimulated.  I have noticed problems with memory recall lately - I knew the information was there, I just could not bring it up to the place in my brain where I could see it.  There was too much noise.

An example this morning made me decide to post about it:  I am friends with a woman I met on a discussion forum, and she recently told me that her cat died.  I KNEW the name of her cat.  I knew it was there.  I could remember the pictures of her cat, but the name was not retrievable.  We were texting this morning, and I thought about asking her how she was doing since her cat died - and suddenly - there it was.  I wasn’t even trying to remember the name of her cat.  It just came to me.  There it was - uncovered - like unearthing an artifact or, oh, I don’t know - peeling back the layer of an onion.  The name was always there - only now, the layers of bullshit are no longer covering it up.

There’s another woman I met on THIS forum - a fellow nurse - who, at one point I would have considered a friend.  When she saw my new thread here, she reached out and texted me.  I called her by the wrong name.  It was close - but it wasn’t right - and I’ve felt like shit about it ever since.  I tried to explain that my phone blew up last summer, and I lost everyone’s contact info.  What I didn’t explain - and I would not have even had the clarity to put into words at the time - is that *there has been an unhealthy shift occurring in my brain* that is making me lose things that were once very important to me.  So, Laura - NOT Lauren - if you are ever out there reading, please accept my sincere and deepest apologies.  I still would consider you a friend if we were speaking on a regular basis.  I think of all my nurse contacts often, and I hope you are doing well.  :) 

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Day 4:  4/17/20 (cont)

1:45 pm:  tuna salad w/ ranch, frozen blueberries, chopped macadamia nuts - and a can of white potatoes w/ ghee and salt.

I have never bought a can of potatoes before in my life - got some from Walmart d/t “coronavirus weird grocery shopping”.  Canned potatoes are actually a pretty cool thing to have on hand.  Our microwave is broken.  These are already cooked - they warmed up in a pan in like 5 minutes.

5:00 pm:  pistachios

That was way too many pistachios - but again, one more thing that is OUT of my house now.  I got really tired after eating them, and passed out on the couch for ~45 minutes.  Woke up really, really craving a diet soda.  Really.

Instead, I realized I was just *thirsty* more than anything - and water is definitely not what I wanted - so I had a small glass of V8, and a taller glass of unsweetened almond milk.

8:45 pm:  Mediterranean chicken GV frozen meal w/ ghee, pork loin cooked in the air fryer w/ leftover bacon grease in it … wow.

Super tired.  Looking forward to a good night of sleep.

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Day 5:  4/18/20

I woke up today feeling pretty awful … left side of my nose completely blocked, fluid feeling in both ears, but mostly left.  My head just feels FULL - and I realized, I probably have a sinus infection.  When you feel so bad that the thought of setting up a Teladoc call makes you feel worse - it might be time to set up a Teladoc call.  Lol.  But I’m not - for now.  I took one DayQuil capsule, I’m drinking my coffee, and moving on with my day.

IF I were consuming dairy, grains, and sugar - I would blame this on my crappy diet.  That’s not really an option right now.  While my W30 diet has not been stellar - it has still been a W30 diet these past four days - devoid of those things.  However, the RX bars and pistachios definitely fall into the “addiction” category: when you continue to consume something, despite is deleterious effects.  Those are gone now … and they really NEED to be gone for the rest of my life.  I think the pistachios are actually more of a problem than the RX bars.

I can’t just blame *everything* on food, either - and it’s good for me to remain aware of that.  Yesterday, my son ripped out our old Pergo flooring in the kitchen.  It’s been there since we put it down in 2003, and what is underneath seems to be like … cardboard backing from an old linoleum, that is glued down to the concrete?  It smells musty in there now.  God only knows what was stirred up.

Started to feel better after DayQuil, coffee, and shower.  Then I started talking to my husband about teenager issues we’ve had in the past couple of days.  Started crying, then it’s like a broken faucet you just can’t shut off.  My head got all filled up again, of course.  Took a NyQuil ~ yes, at 10:30 in the morning … figured, what the hell, it *might* make me fall asleep - or it might just help calm me down.

11:30 am:  harvest chicken GV frozen meal, few pieces of bacon

2:00 pm:  a couple slices of an Asian pear, son’s GF cut up and wanted me to try

5:00 pm:  chicken Caesar salad (two breasts) w/ HB eggs & cherry tomatoes, handful-or-two-ish of raw cashews

Those raw cashews made me feel WEIRD.  Like I haven’t felt in awhile - like an anxiety/panic attack sort of feeling.  I ate them while I was making my salad ~ so yes, I was pretty hungry … but I went from “hungry, but fine” to … well, just WEIRD.  I think I’m going to grind up the entire bag (no one else here will eat them) and make a cashew butter to have with apples or something.  As I’m typing this, I’m thinking I *should* just throw them away.  I know damn well that it WAS the cashews that made me feel this way … why on earth would I keep them?!  Geez.  Moving on…

9:45 pm:  diced golden potatoes, cooked in bacon grease, w/ ghee and salt.

No protein here - I’m feeling incredibly bloated for some reason (damn you, cashews…) and just not up for it.  That’s okay.  I once went an entire week and ate nothing but potatoes.  I was younger, it was a fun challenge, and I actually felt pretty good!  :lol:

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DAY 6:  4/19/20

I miss my friends here - @BabyBear and @Amy_Michigan.  I once needed their support, like a parent running along next to me when first learning how to ride a bike.  Now I’m cruising along down the street, on my own … but I sure wish I could look side-to-side and see some pals pedaling along with me.  I don’t honestly care (although I DO care) if they have their baskets full of doughnuts and fountain pops from the gas station.  That’s the beauty of friendship - you’re there for each other and you like the company, no matter what else is going on in life.

I’ve found my thoughts clearing.  Big time.  It’s subtle, yet it’s huge.  This is the place I could recently “remember being” ~ but wasn’t able to find my way back, somehow.  Now I look back and it scares me, to see where I was.  Now I am remembering a different recent me - one who, at times, felt hopeless.  I felt gross.  I felt like I had no control over my own body and mind.  And I was stuck in a vicious cycle of LIES.  We tell ourselves lies, you know - especially in that state.  Things ring though our heads ... I have one in particular that I will share with you now:

It was 2014.  That is the year I found W30 and cleaned up my Paleo/gluten-free style of eating.  I hadn’t smoked, or had any nicotine, for some time.  I’d been working out at the gym with an award-winning bodybuilder as my trainer.  I didn't know it at the time - but I was looking pretty hot.

My husband and I were talking to my dad on a camping trip.  He had just been to the doctor, had some not-great feedback in regards to his health.  And we tried to (gently ... always gently) talk to him about his diet.  It ended in him telling us that we were “still in our prime” and that “all of the women in your family end up with huge asses” - and then he proceeded to name some names.  {I know you’re saying, “WHAT?!  GIRRRL…. Oh, no he didn’t!”}

 

YES.  He did.

 

And it felt at the time that he was dismissing our hard work.  My husband and I have both brought it up several times since then - jokingly, to each other - “well, you know, we are just in our prime…”

I can see now (and probably could see then) that his comments were NOT about ME.

But I have found myself recently thinking, “Well. Dad was right. This is how it feels to be 41.”

I’ve felt so defeated lately - and do you know how hard it is to gather your strength ... roll over, wounded, on the bloody battlefield ... and pull a weapon out from under some other poor dead bloke, and KEEP FIGHTING?!

Yes.  Of course you do.  Anyone here who is reading this journal right now, knows exactly what I am talking about.

So I've realized:  I’m a fighter.  I don’t stop moving until I’m dead.  And I can thank my mama for the mouth of a sailor ~ because, to all of those defeatist thoughts I've had lately, I can confidently look at them now and say:  FUCK THAT.

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14 hours ago, Brewer5 said:

So I've realized:  I’m a fighter.  I don’t stop moving until I’m dead.  And I can thank my mama for the mouth of a sailor ~ because, to all of those defeatist thoughts I've had lately, I can confidently look at them now and say:  FUCK THAT.

Good for you for fighting for what you want and not giving up.  A lot of things have changed in the past month (obviously) but what I want hasn't changed.  I'm just not reaching for it like I was before. When you are in this (I mean REALLY in this), you allow that passion to drive you, and continue driving you more than 10 days, more than 14 days...even if we are not perfect, if we can be at 95% for those 10-14 days then we CAN make it to 30 and it will change our lives and help us develop new, healthier lifestyles.  I need to let that goal consume me again, but I'm scared.  It takes over everything.  But it also prevents me from having random lupus flares so it IS worth it.  There is a half of a batch of cookies still left over from my baking day with the kids yesterday. And it will cause me pain, serious mental pain, not to eat any tomorrow, but I really want to be in this again.  And the best time to do it is when others are there to support you and share their experiences with you.  So I'm so happy you're still posting.  :)

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Day 6:  4/19/20 (cont)

11:50 am:  sausage and eggs

I have felt really, really GOOD today - almost reluctant to eat anything and slow myself down.  But my husband cooked, so - you just don't turn down compliant food that someone else has cooked for you on W30.

3:30 pm:  tuna salad w/ ranch, frozen blueberries, chopped macadamia nuts

I’ve had some cravings here and there, but nothing unmanageable.  It’s more of a fleeting thought that comes and goes.  Last night, I had a moment where I really did want to have a glass of wine before bed - just to help unwind after some more frustration with one of my teens.  BUT - I had no desire to start my numbering over here again.  So, I didn’t.  I also knew I was going to get a short night of sleep already - and wine was NOT going to help that.  As it is ~ with no wine ~ I feel pretty great today.  :)

7:15 pm:  chicken Caesar salad, diced potatoes w/ ghee and salt, glass of unsweetened almond milk

10:30 pm:  an apple.  I don't eat apples often, and I don't usually eat this late ~ but it sounded good, so:  {shrug}

I noticed today that my kids are so much happier since they are out of school.  But it's not just that - we’ve been limiting screens more, and getting into more of a routine instead of just the "coronavirus what-ever" we had fallen face first into.  AND the weather is getting nicer …slowly, but surely.  The youngest (13 and 15) are actually playing Legos together again … what?!  It reminds me of all those years we were homeschooling.  I feel like I’m getting my family back, in a way.  Thank you, coronavirus!  :rolleyes:  Hopefully there will be lots of good stories like this out there … because Lord knows, we’ve all seen plenty of bad.

I am also painfully aware of how very true it is that when I am in a better place, this whole place is in a better place.  So I definitely owe some thanks to Whole 30, as well.

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17 minutes ago, Amy_Michigan said:

Good for you for fighting for what you want and not giving up.  A lot of things have changed in the past month (obviously) but what I want hasn't changed.  I'm just not reaching for it like I was before. When you are in this (I mean REALLY in this), you allow that passion to drive you, and continue driving you more than 10 days, more than 14 days...even if we are not perfect, if we can be at 95% for those 10-14 days then we CAN make it to 30 and it will change our lives and help us develop new, healthier lifestyles.  I need to let that goal consume me again, but I'm scared.  It takes over everything.  But it also prevents me from having random lupus flares so it IS worth it.  There is a half of a batch of cookies still left over from my baking day with the kids yesterday. And it will cause me pain, serious mental pain, not to eat any tomorrow, but I really want to be in this again.  And the best time to do it is when others are there to support you and share their experiences with you.  So I'm so happy your still posting.  :)

And I am so happy to hear from you, Amy - yay!  I'm never happy to hear that someone is going to have serious mental pain ... but I feel you ~ because I remember being there with the diet Dr. Pepper - and that was just a few short days ago.  

A LOT can change in just a few short days.  I don't think I had a single moment where I thought about drinking a soda today.  Not one!  And I had been drinking that stuff ... sadly ... every day.  Sometimes 2 or 3 (20 oz?) bottles a day.  :ph34r:

Best wishes on whatever you decide to do.  Please reach out and let me know if I can help.  I'll keep an eye out to see if you're posting a journal this time.  I have things MUCH more together mentally now than I did when you were posting before.  Winter is really, very hard on me.  Like I'm running on 50% power mode, no matter what.  Ugh.  SO, so glad the sun is shining more now.  I know you can't go out in it much ~ but even seeing the sunshine come in through my windows makes my days go better.  I hope that's the case for you, as well.

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Day 7:  4/20/20

Woke up today feeling like I’d been run over by a truck … with a sinus headache again.  I knew it before I even opened my eyes.  I didn't take any allergy medicine last night, and I had that apple before bed.  The way I felt, it might as well have been a glass of wine.  Which brings up the subject of salicylates - which are RICH in the peel of an apple.  No more apple (peels, at least) for me.  Geez.  I took a quercetin/bromelain and one acetaminophen.  Two cups of coffee later - feeling like myself again.

11:15 am:  butter chicken W30 frozen meal w/ added ghee

4:00 pm:  tuna salad w/ ranch, frozen blueberries, chopped macadamia nuts

When I’ve looked back at journals from previous W30’s or 30 days of carnivore, etc. - I’ve wondered what I was thinking / how I was feeling on those days when I was “less wordy” or even not wordy at all - just posting food.  Is that a good sign?  Is that a bad sign?

So I want to say now - I feel good.  I’m not posting as much, because I’m busy.  Productive.  My thoughts are slowing down, in a good way, and becoming more focused on getting things done.

8:30 pm:  steak w/ ghee, potatoes w/ avocado ranch

Staying up to do work on the computer until I can’t keep my eyes open anymore.  Today was good - sunny - but a lot going on, a lot of distractions with the kids - got a dumpster delivered to be here for a week to clean a bunch of stuff out (finally!) - and we have a guy here working on a privacy fence.  Had a few unexpected phone calls ~ including a nursing job I am considering, and actually kind of excited about.  I have a very weird mix of emotions re: nursing.  Especially at this current moment in time.

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Day 8:  4/21/20

FaceTime job interview this morning at 10:30.  Making myself STOP at two cups of coffee, so I can relax and sit still for it.  Probably should have stopped at one.

12:50 pm:  W30 harvest chicken frozen meal w/ ghee and salt

Job interview went well, and I’m going to give it a try.  It might take just one shift for me to go: “WHAT was I thinking?!”  Lol.  But I am excited about getting back out there in the world of nursing … and I’m not sure I thought I’d ever say that again.  “Excited”.  Hmmm.  Looks like someone’s outlook is changing.  :)

In all seriousness - perhaps the key to me keeping my mental clarity and sanity as a nurse really IS going to be eating W30.  For real.

7:20 pm:  Five Guys - hamburger patties, lettuce, grilled onions, tomato, Tessamae’s ranch - diced potatoes w/ ghee and herbamare seasoning

Overall ~ a good, sunny day.  No cravings to speak of.  Two meals, I just noticed.  And no snacks.  It's all coming together.

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Great to hear you are thinking positive about your career option in the nursing field.  Good luck!!  I’m getting some meal ideas from you that I’m going to try for tomorrow.  Hamburgers sound really good.... and steak and potatoes YUM

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On 4/7/2020 at 6:34 AM, Brewer5 said:

But you know what is scary?  The thought of ending up in the same boat, due to my lifestyle choices.

Each day lately I've been going through the same infuriating cycle of starting out with the best of intentions, and then - "tomorrow I'll do this" and "tomorrow I'll do that".  What a load of crap.  

Today IS tomorrow.  Time to get with the program.

I needed to read this.  I'm puttering around saying, "Ok, I'm getting ready to start....ok, not now, but now....now....no wait, wait, now...." for the last week.  I have no excuses, I know how to do this.  Just need to get off the pot.  

I haven't finished reading through so I don't know what happens, but thinking of light and hope for you and your family.  

 

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Day 9:  4/22/20

12:45 pm:  chicken Caesar salad w/ cherry tomatoes, HB eggs

Probably waited too long to eat my first meal today.  Physically, I felt fine - but mentally, I "had a moment" of overwhelmed with (what sometimes feels like) everything and everyone coming at me.  I had a little bit of a cry after I ate my huge salad.  The cry seems to have been good and cleansing.  Now I’m holed up in my little study area, with Outlander soundtrack mildly blasting in my headphones ~ drowning out everything else around me.  Man, I love this music.  I just thought of using this music as a “coronavirus coping tool” today ... because I'm finding it very hard to concentrate on my work d/t all of the distractions.  It’s working.  {thumbs up}

9:00 pm:  Epic beef/liver bites, diced potatoes cooked w/ Butcher Box bacon

Overall - another good day.  We are getting a lot of home improvements done right now, and we have rented a dumpster for a week so that we can clean a bunch of stuff out.  So, not too much to say - just feeling good & productive.  :)  

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Day 10:  4/23/20

Taking a moment to reflect.  I get up each day with the sunrise, and usually get some quiet time to think and work.  Part of my discombobulated feeling these past few days with work and school is that I gave my kids a bedtime - which was very much needed for my (and everyone’s) mental health.  So they’re now required to be in their rooms and quiet by 10:00 PM.  …Guess what is a result of me trying to get everyone on a better schedule?  Umm, they’re getting up earlier.  …Which is what I wanted.  Lol.  Be careful what you wish for!  :)

Anyway - the sinus issues {knock on wood} seem to be about resolved.  I’m not sure when my ears bothered me last.  I haven’t woke up with a headache since a few days ago when I posted about that damned apple.  And I am no longer taking the allergy medicine.

My fingers don’t feel or look as puffy as they were, and I don’t have arthritic feelings popping up.  I haven’t tried my wedding rings on, but I feel like it would have to go better than it has in recent past - which was: IF I could get them on, they were too tight and it gave me a little moment of panic.  Sometimes had to get them off by running my hands under cold water.

My head isn’t itchy, my back isn’t itchy, and that random (but not so random) rash that pops up on my chest and back hasn’t bothered me this whole time.  I've got places on my chest that are healing.  It was REALLY flared up on previous W30 attempts, when I was eating a lot of pistachios.  I’ve pinpointed that this is a histamine issue - there could be more there to evaluate, but I’ll leave it at that for now.

I’m not eating or drinking anything at the moment that falls into the “addiction” category - with the exception of coffee, of course.  I do drink a lot of coffee, and I may choose to be cremated with the new Wonder Woman mug I ordered for myself on Amazon :lol: because it came with a little Wonder Woman coffee maker, and it was cheap, and I thought it was funny. 

But my point here is that there isn’t anything that I am JAMMING in my mouth, like I’ve been known to do with pistachios, RX bars, and Larabars.  That’s a pretty huge shift.  I’ve been here before, in this glorious place ... several times.  But recently felt so out of control that I wasn’t sure I’d ever find my way back.  I want that to be a message of encouragement to anyone out there reading.  Know that however you are feeling right now - it CAN and WILL get better.  You just have to find what works out best for your body - and it is a process.  These things take time.  Look back to my eating patterns in the first few days vs. now.  I’ve settled into two meals per day - and that’s not by choice, necessarily.  I'm not "working at it".  It's not a struggle.  That’s a result of so many things in my body *calming down* … and me, being busy and productive in other areas of my life, and NOT thinking about food all the damn time.

I'll end this morning's post with a question:  Will a coffee mug cremate?  I don't know.  And I'm not googling it.  I have other things to do.  I guess they can put part of me IN the mug.  That would be kind of cool.

Have a great day, all!

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Day 10:  4/23/20 (cont)

12:00 pm:  meatballs (beef, ground up pork rinds, W30 French onion seasoning packet I got on Thrive Market, eggs) - a LOT of meatballs, lol - dipped in unsweetened ketchup.

I accidentally poured too much ketchup on my plate and thought, "oh well, you can't really overeat meatballs" ... Well.  I think I can.  :rolleyes:

I've got a whole lotta bloat after all of that onion, garlic, and ketchup.  Whew.  I knew there would be - and I did it anyway.  It’s painful.  Not disturbing my day too much - but really annoying.

I realized I haven’t taken any Imodium in these 10 days.  That’s partially because I haven’t had to go anywhere.  Lol ... but not funny.  {I don't think I would wish IBS and the associated anxiety on ANYONE.}  But, things have been better overall.  I pretty much know what I need to avoid.  There are SO many W30 foods that cause me serious issues.  So if my food looks funky to anyone ~ well, trust me ~ I really do know what I’m doing.  ;) 

8:45 pm:  tuna salad w/ ranch, frozen blueberries, chopped macadamia nuts + diced potatoes w/ ghee and salt

So busy with other things, I almost forgot to post tonight.  Almost.

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Day 11:  4/24/20

Woke up this morning “aware” of my heart … whether you call it pounding or palpitations, doesn’t matter - anytime I am “feeling” my heart like this, I know it’s time to focus on hydration - and more specifically, electrolytes.

This is not a new feeling for me, but it’s one I haven’t experienced for some time.  It’s not anxiety, but it can be misconstrued as such - and that is not a path I choose to go down.  I am going to go back in the house and check my ketones after I get done typing this.  I would be shocked if I’m not registering an amount well over 0.1 mmol /L- which is where I would be if I were not in ketosis.

So, I instinctively grabbed a banana from the counter.  This is WAY earlier than I’ve normally been eating - and probably not the best way to start my day.  I got halfway through, and had zero desire to finish it.

I also made my coffee with 1/3 decaf, and I would assume that will be my new norm.  I’ve been feeling the need coming to make that transition for a couple of days now.  There is no “need” for the high amount of caffeine when I start burning ketones.

And I had a shot of Lyte Show in water.  This is a simple mix of electrolytes - sodium, potassium, magnesium, etc - and no extra crap in there.  I discovered Lyte Show years ago, and it has been a life saver.  So many of the symptoms of “carb flu” that people go through are completely unnecessary, if you know how to manage it.  (I did not, when I first made my journey into keto long ago - and there was a lot of this heart stuff I went through, before I understood what was going on.)

I will not report every time I use Lyte Show.  Just like I don’t report my coffee or sparkling water.  It’s just going to be a part of my day, when I feel like I need it.  I also will just EAT 1/4 tsp of Redmond Real Salt sometimes.  My biggest clue that I need sodium is when I have symptoms of orthostatic hypotension.  No, heavily salting your food sometimes is NOT enough.  Yes, I just straight-up eat salt.  :)

6:50 am:  1/2 banana

Ha - it’s been so long since I’ve used my monitors, I first had to go on a treasure hunt through my house to find them.  Tucked away together in a box with a bunch of other random crap that got cleaned off the kitchen counter at some point in time.

My ketone strips expired in August 2019.  Don’t care - will use them anyway.  Registered at 0.4 mmol/L … this was about 30 minutes after that banana.  That sounds about right, based on how I am feeling.  I didn’t measure my glucose.  I just don’t feel the need.  It doesn’t tell me nearly as much as I once thought it did.

It's now a little over an hour since I woke up - and the heart stuff calmed down awhile ago.  I feel great.  It takes me a long time to type this stuff out.  I'm a deep thinker, and a perfectionist.

HEY - Day 11 is here ... and it was my goal to get through at least 11 days - remember?!  Well, I'm almost there.  And zero signs of slowing down.

Have a great day, all.  :) 

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2 hours ago, Brewer5 said:

HEY - Day 11 is here ... and it was my goal to get through at least 11 days - remember?!  Well, I'm almost there.  And zero signs of slowing down.

Have a great day, all.  :) 

Yay, DAY 11!!!!  That is great!  I'm glad I'm back to logging in and reading your posts.  I'm still eating non-compliant foods, unfortunately, but inching my way closer to where I want to be because I've been making more paleo recipes and all of the snacks in the house that I liked are gone and I am NOT replacing them.  After I made hamburgers, my daughter asked if we could have them every week, and both of my kids finished theirs.  It am so happy when I am able to have my daughter finish a meal, especially including red meat.  I also made tuna salad with onions, celery, primal kitchen mayo, salt/pepper, and garlic powder....I used three 5oz cans of tuna and an entire package of celery.  I told my husband that he could eat one of the three containers I filled up because it was so much.  I will be eating tuna salad for lunch for about a week, I think.  But the only way I was going to make this tuna salad was cutting up the vegetables as soon as I got them delivered from the store.  Otherwise I would let them go bad.  And it worked! I made carrot fries the same day... so I'm eating a lot more veggies now.  Anyway, sorry for such a long update on your log.  Just want to say thanks for all of the food ideas :)  

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And, sorry I didn't mention this, but I've had a weird heart skipping a beat or heart fluttering situation (something that makes me "feel/notice" the beats) that has freaked me out before in the past.  Always scary, and sorry to hear something like that happened to you.    At least you knew to try things that could help keep your body in balance.  I'm very impressed!

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@Amy_Michigan ~ I was thinking about posting this earlier in the day, before I even read your post about "feeling" your heart.

I was introduced to the Paleo way of eating way back in 2012, by a woman who was a serious bodybuilder ... along with her husband, who had won some awards across the globe.  They were NOT your typical "protein shake" bodybuilders ... they had been doing this for a long time, had even owned a gym where they trained others ... and they were all about fueling with real food.

She said to me (and others) many times, that she had been learning about nutrition and her body for 20 years - and she knew her body very well.  She was able to pinpoint when something was "off" because she had learned her own body's signals, and she listened.

At the time - I admit, it sort of went in one ear and out the other - I was probably sort of like, "Well, that's great for you - but WTF is going on with me?!"  Lol.  {Just give me the "fast track" to looking like YOU ... right?}  :rolleyes: The truth is, she could give me gentle nudges in the right directions - but I had to have a lot of my OWN experiences in order to figure out what worked for me, and what did not.

After I posted this morning, it dawned on me that now I AM her ... in the sense that I have been learning about nutrition and my own body for close to 20 years now. I DO know when something is "off" and I CAN pinpoint things - so much better than I used to be able to.  It is very cool that I knew what I needed to do, basically before my eyes were even open this morning.  And I've been great ever since!

Thank you for popping in and sharing your thoughts ... and don't ever feel like you are posting too much.  I love the conversation.  And I LOVE helping others - who want the help.  As you remember from the story about my dad ... my days of unsolicited advice are pretty much over.  Lol.  That ship has sailed. ;) 

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Day 11:  4/24/20 (cont)

1:00 pm:  bacon snack

2:45 pm:  butter lettuce w/ usual tuna salad mixture

5:00 pm:  glass of unsweetened almond milk, 1/2 banana

I’m out of sparkling water and NO desire to go to the store.  That’s the only reason I decided to drink a glass of this milk.  Then, the leftover banana called to me.  So I ate it.  :)

9:00 pm:  W30 frozen Mediterranean chicken meal, diced potatoes, ghee

Since our microwave is broken - I’ve been fixing these meals in a skillet.  This time, I added our last three red potatoes to it with a bunch of ghee, and my son and I split it.  Potato heavy, yes - since the meal already had potatoes in it.  But MAN it was good!

Groceries are getting low.  Going to place an online order for pickup at Walmart after I post this.  Even if it is a few days from now … that has been so handy.

Oh, and, in case I didn't mention it - 11 DAYS - I have now beat my 10-day record on this thread.  B)

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Day 12:  4/25/20

Waking *on my own* as the sun starts coming up … man, this is a good sign.  Normally the puppy wakes me up - HER circadian rhythm has never been off.  “Whine, whine, whine, whine…”.  That is what has been my alarm clock, for months now.  And normally I've been like:  “okay, okay, I hear you!”

Today I woke at 6:20 am, feeling well-rested and ready to go.  Not only that - last night I found myself thinking that I was happy to go to sleep, because I was really looking forward to getting up and starting a new day.

Now … I need to pause right there.

I need to point out that - just a couple of weeks ago - I applied to a couple of nursing jobs thinking, “Oh well, if coronavirus takes me out, shit happens, WTF-ever.”

I was not feeling suicidal - and please don’t read it that way.  I have never been suicidal.  Life is a GIFT, my children are a GIFT - and I generally have a deep appreciation for it, and try to make the most of each day.

But I felt really defeated.

My days felt like an endless series of “trudging through”.

I have wistfully remembered the summer of 2018 … when I was still in nursing school.  My class load was super light - one class - and I was not working.  I ate carnivore pretty much that entire summer.  I lived like a human - OUTSIDE most of the time - and shunning the artificial indoor light as much as possible, as if it were a disease.  Because it is.

It was the first time in my life that I felt like I had a real, healthy, normal circadian rhythm.

Well, what does that mean?  What difference does it make?

It means EVERYTHING.  And it is a WORLD of difference.

I started a book sometime in March, that remains unfinished.  Not because it isn’t good - it’s freaking great - but because I “got busy” {rolling my eyes} with other things.  {Truthfully, my mind was like a bunch of static on the radio.  It needed some turns of the dial to get back to beautiful, crisp, clear music.}

He talks in this book about our body being like a computer.  What would happen if you tried to run a Mac program on a Windows computer?  And vice versa.  You get the idea.

It made a lot of sense to me, then - but man, it REALLY makes a lot of sense to me now.

We complicate things.  We humans get in our own way.  All the time.  Our bodies - no matter how you believe they were designed - they have a DESIGN.  We are amazing and complex machines, or computers - however you want to look at it - and we have an operating system, already built in.

Would you skip several steps on assembling a piece of IKEA furniture, then stand around cursing about why it doesn’t look right?  Why it’s not sturdy?

Well, that sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?

But it’s what we tend to do.  Some of us do it each and every day.

So what happened?  What happened to me since this clarity in the summer of 2018?  Well, THAT is the great big onion.  I’ve been peeling back the layers to examine it, both here ~ and in my mind.

I still have a lot I could say, but I’ll leave it at that for now.  I have a fresh new day to enjoy!  I hope you do the same.  :) 

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Day 12:  4/25/20 (cont)

2:20 pm:  meatballs in the air fryer:  8 oz grass-fed beef, one egg, 0.25 oz New Bae seasoning (low-FODMAP - from Thrive), 2 pieces crumbled leftover bacon.

Cooked at 390 for 10 minutes.  Wow.  All the joy of meatballs, without the gastrointestinal distress (I hope!).  I didn't even feel the need for ketchup this time.

7:40 pm:  glass of V-8

10:00 pm:  hamburgers w/ unsweetened ketchup, canned green beans and potatoes w/ ghee

Green beans and I are not friends.  I knew this going in ~ and I won’t be doing that again.  My stomach immediately started rumbling around like there’s a damn thunderstorm in there.

Eating times were weird today, for sure.  We were out working on a fence around noon, and I just wasn’t hungry.  I never get hungry when I’m out in the sun - it’s always after I come back in the house.

At “supper time’ I was busy getting a lot of stuff done around here.  But I felt like I “should” eat.  Now I wish I hadn’t.  Yes, I would have been fine with just one meal today - and that probably would have been best.  If you could hear my stomach right now … geez.

I had an instructor in nursing school tell me I had the loudest bowel sounds she had ever heard - and she was NOT a young nurse.  Lol.

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