Like an Onion

[MadyVanilla]

*standing ovation*

This is so very true.  It's life.  And oblivious-we talk so much today about mindfulness, but there is absolutely a time and place for unmindfulness.  There is a reason for the saying, "Ignorance is bliss."  Sometimes, it really is what we need.  

[Brewer5]

Day 17:  8/12/20

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As I was sitting here typing up last night's post, apparently my middle son (15) was busy cooking up plans to run away in the night.  Out his bedroom window ~ and left a note on his bed to the effect of:  "Don't worry.  I'll be back soon."

He was located relatively quickly ... right before I officially reported him as a runaway.  And he's now on his way to stay at my sister's farm ~ pretty far from here, in the middle of nowhere ~ and with my brother-in-law, who is a state police officer.  He'll be getting lots of nature and animals, and they have work for him to do.

I'm still sober.

In fact, pretty calm.  My husband was worked up enough for both of us.

[ShadowInTheKitchen]

Oh that's tough, and on top of everything else you have going on.  It's hard to understand the teenage brain.  I wish you the best as you and your family work through this.  Congrats on remaining sober.  

[MadyVanilla]

{{{hugs}}}

[Brewer5]

Day 18:  8/13/20

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Thanks, ladies.  Just got the update from my sister & sounds like they've kept him busy all day.

My MIL was pretty upset by the whole thing ... paranoia is part of the mix she has going on, so I have spent quite a bit of time last night & this morning trying to allay her fears.  He's a teenage boy with a strong will.  We just want to see him use it to do good.  

Finally, I think she has calmed.  We had a nice walk around the neighborhood with the dogs tonight.

[Brewer5]

On 8/12/2020 at 8:44 AM, MadyVanilla said:

This is so very true.  It's life.  And oblivious-we talk so much today about mindfulness, but there is absolutely a time and place for unmindfulness.  There is a reason for the saying, "Ignorance is bliss."  Sometimes, it really is what we need.  

Yesterday, my IBS decided to flare up.  It has been pretty calm all this time.

After 4 explosions spread inconveniently throughout my day, I finally decided to take two Imodium ~ and by then, I was so frustrated that all I wanted was chicken and rice topped with white cheese sauce from somewhere.  A glass of wine crossed my mind, but it was not a demand.  It was just a suggestion.  It was optional.

Got home from work ~ and hey, it's Friday night!  My husband was home, which is rare ... and he, my MIL, and my youngest all decided they wanted to go out for Mexican.  I told my husband about my day, and said I was probably at the point of throwing this out the window anyway.

We drove about 30 minutes to his favorite place around here.  The car ride was fun ~ somehow we got on the subject of music, and I started playing old songs MIL was referencing on my Amazon app.  We were laughing and sharing stories.  It was great.

When we got out of the car at this place, which is downtown ~ there was a live band playing across the street.  She yells at them, "Bob Seger!" and we all started laughing.  No one could hear her, but the point is ~ the mood was high ~ relaxed and having fun.  She can be funny, and she has a good soul, and that is why she's here with me.

I did decide to have one glass of Pinot Grigio, and it was wonderful.  I did eat just exactly what I was craving - and, at the very best place around here for it.  I made a choice, and it was a good one.

There were more laughs and discussion on the way home, and we all agreed it had been a lot of fun.  Just what we needed.

There is no wine in my house, and when my husband asked if I wanted him to go get me a bottle - I said no.  One glass is enough.  There is no need for it to turn into an entire bottle.  And I felt that deep down ~ it wasn't a struggle.

Today I will weigh myself out of curiosity ... although, not sure what that's really going to tell me, now that I've stopped things up with Imodium and eaten Mexican food.  Lol.  

But then I think I'll just go back to counting days for now.  I have a good friend who has invited me to go camping with her at some point next weekend.  I'm not sure that it is going to work out, with my other obligations here.  If it somehow does work out - I'll be hitting the pause button on W30 again.  And that's okay ~ for me, for now.  I've already achieved the 30 days, multiple times ... so this is really just me figuring out what things "should" look like, to be my best for the rest of my days here on Earth.

[Brewer5]

Day 1:  8/15/20

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Weight:  119.0

So, the scale still reflecting a loss over the 18 days I managed to stick with this.

--

I didn't have any cravings for alcohol today/tonight ... dinner last night did not trigger any big "brain rebellion" in the food department, either.  I mostly like having the guidelines, and I don't spend a lot of time thinking about food.  There are way too many other things on my mind right now.

[Brewer5]

Day 2:  8/16/20

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Had a pretty good day.  
 

MIL is having anxiety flare up, because we have her first appt with a new doctor tomorrow.  She hasn’t seen any drs since she’s been here with us - this is the soonest we could get her in.  So we spent quite a bit of time tonight discussing her past issues, how she’s doing currently, and reassuring her that tomorrow will be just fine.

My stress is greatly reduced since I decided to stop picking up any nursing shifts for now.  We will be feeling it financially soon ... but I do believe it will all work out.  No doubt that this is what I need to be doing for now.

[Brewer5]

Day 3:  8/17/20

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So, of course ~ MIL's dr appt went just fine.  My husband and I both reassured her that her living situation was not going to change, no matter what was talked about at this appointment.  I know what she's been through was genuinely scary for her ~ then compounded by the fact that no one else "believes" her.  Deep down she's afraid she's going to get locked up somewhere if she talks about it.  I'm not patting myself on the back, but I am going to say out loud what a blessing it is for her that she has us.  Because I've seen first-hand: so many people do not have someone who is willing or able to take this on.  <-- And that makes me so sad.

[Brewer5]

Day 4:  8/18/20

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Finally had the emotional breakdown about our middle son - who is still at my sister’s (doing fine) and has had zero desire to talk to us.  I was on my way to the office and suddenly just decided to have an ugly cry.  My *normally uplifting* music made me finally lose my composure.

I made a U-turn and drove an hour north instead, and spent some time with my parents.  Because I have the most understanding employer in the world, she puts up with my life and just told me to take care of myself.

Came home and got a surprise phone call from a friend ... and I am thankful beyond words.  Turned my whole day around.

Took MIL & both dogs for a walk.  The evenings are getting cooler, and the Shelties can go for walks with us again.

So many blessings in this post.
 

[ShadowInTheKitchen]

@Brewer5 I'm glad to hear he is well and sorry that he hasn't come around yet.  It sounds like you are doing good self care.  You will overcome this, and be stronger than ever. Take good care of you.  Sending you more virtual ((hugs))

[Brewer5]

Day 5:  8/19/20

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Woke up too early today, and probably undereating overall.  Just time to go to bed & start fresh.

The day was fine - took my youngest to the office with me so that he could get some school work done and finally meet my Irish Setter workmates.  It’s peaceful there.  He liked it.

[Brewer5]

Thanks @ShadowInTheKitchen for your kind words & continued support.  Our middle son is in good hands, surrounded my family who loves him ... getting to have lots of good talks and spend a lot of time out in nature and with animals.  They’ve acquired a pot-bellied pig & rescued an abandoned puppy just in the last couple of days.  So the farm is really growing!  Lol.  
 

I’m taking a couple of days off from W30.  Last night, I drove up to have a “treasure hunt” with my dad at my grandmother’s house - she’s owned the home for 70+ years, and today it is being closed on to go to a new family.  My grandparents both used to hide money in strange places.  I had to get in the crawl space in the basement to investigate a spot my grandpa told my dad about 30-40 years ago.  It took some strength, flexibility, and a small body to get in there.  I was happy to work my way through the cobwebs for my dad.  If I hadn’t done it, he would have always wondered.  Alas, no money was found - but we had a good evening. It was an adventure.  
 

So when they wanted to order pizza from the local bar afterwards - I went with it.  No regrets.

[Brewer5]

Day 1:  8/22/20

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Weight:  117.2

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So I said "no regrets" a little too early - I paid dearly for the pizza in the digestive department ALL of the next day.  100% not worth it ... geez.  That's the thing about W30 - I get to feeling so much better, it's like I forget how bad it can be.

Had my evening at the campground last night with my friend from high school & a group of her work friends.  Drank *almost* an entire bottle of Pinot Grigio, and slept maybe 5 hours before waking up and heading home at sunrise.  I don't feel too bad today, but I sure don't want to feel like this all the time.

Fresh start!   

 

[ShadowInTheKitchen]

1 hour ago, Brewer5 said:

it's like I forget how bad it can be

Kinda like child birth LOL!  

I totally agree with the forgetting part, I do it too.  Sorry about the pizza. Was it the cheese or the wheat? Or both?  I hope you get feeling better soon.

[Brewer5]

On 8/22/2020 at 8:24 PM, ShadowInTheKitchen said:

Kinda like child birth LOL!  

I totally agree with the forgetting part, I do it too.  Sorry about the pizza. Was it the cheese or the wheat? Or both?  I hope you get feeling better soon.

Lol ... Except that if I had a child for every time I decided to "let loose" and eat inflammatory food ~ I'd have a whole gaggle of children here, and would have completely lost my mind a long time ago!  

Yesterday, I decided it was the day to go retrieve our middle son and bring him home.  My parents were there visiting, so it ended up being a big family gathering.  My sister made a huge pan of pulled pork, mashed potatoes, butternut squash with some kind of butter/syrup concoction all mixed up in it, etc.  There was no way I was going to keep that day W30 - so I didn't even worry about it.  Last night I had a pretty disturbing gut reaction to all of it.

The pizza ... oh my word.  It was chicken bacon ranch, so no red pizza sauce - which I know I don't do well with - but yeah, the enormous amount of gluten, dairy, and onions all at once ... after staying "clean" for 18 days.  Really, really upset things.

[MadyVanilla]

On 8/22/2020 at 6:43 PM, Brewer5 said:

I get to feeling so much better, it's like I forget how bad it can be.

TRUTH!  

Reading through your last posts, it sounds like you've made food choices that have made sense with life.  As opposed to binging on something without logical thought.  Be kind to yourself, return to W30 as you can.  Sending positive thoughts that things go well with your son.  

[Brewer5]

Thanks @MadyVanilla ~ yeah, there really haven't been any times lately when I've felt "out of control".  It's just life.

I guess I'm really just riding my own bike, and this is what that looks like for me.  Lol.  I've said here before ~ if I end up with a bunch of "Day 1" posts ... you know, over a year's time or whatever ... that's still THAT many days that I know I wasn't putting junk in the tank.  It counts.  In my mind, it counts ~ and that's really all that matters.

Things are going well with our son so far.  There have been a lot of changes that were necessary.  This whole "running away" experience was one of those big life lessons for all involved.

[Brewer5]

Day 1:  8/27/20

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Starting weight:  116.8

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Had some wine last night, dumped the rest of the bottle down the drain.  When I asked my husband to get me a bottle for the night of camping with my friend last week - he bought two.  Super sweet & all, but ... if it's in the house & I'm in just the right/wrong mood ~ chances are, I'll get into it.

I'm going ahead and posting this day, early in the day, because I know it will be compliant.  I've already decided.

[MadyVanilla]

On 8/27/2020 at 12:58 PM, Brewer5 said:

if I end up with a bunch of "Day 1" posts ... you know, over a year's time or whatever ... that's still THAT many days that I know I wasn't putting junk in the tank.  It counts.  In my mind, it counts ~ and that's really all that matters.

(nodding head furiously in agreement) 

Wine-Good for you for getting rid of the temptation.  I have a mail order subscription for organic, Paleo wines.  My every-3-month case arrived today.  And I just started another W30 on Tuesday...do I want wine or do I want to finally finish a W30 and do a reintroduction???  The struggle is real...

Here's to compliance!  

 

[Brewer5]

Day 2 yesterday:  8/28/20

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The day was fine & compliant.  It was our anniversary - married 21 years - and he was out of town for work.  Not the first time & won't be the last ... so, no big deal.

@MadyVanilla ~ I'm sorry, I haven't been venturing out to explore other people's logs or any other discussions here.  Have you not completed a Whole 30 yet?  I think getting that full 30 days in at some point, when the time is right can really be a life-changing experience.  It was for me, anyway.  

But I also think that this way of eating is just the best human diet that makes sense - and what I mean is, the things that are eliminated are simply not the best human choices.  Every thing that has been eliminated is gone for a reason.  So "lightening the load" on your body - even one day at a time - can certainly be beneficial, as well.  I'm glad you agree.    Too many people get stuck in an all or nothing mentality.

[MadyVanilla]

Lol. I'm currently on my 7th round.  My first 4 were textbook, without reintroductions.  My 5th round was the only one I did not complete 30 days.  My 6th round, I did a restart mid-way because I had rice...I've been sloppy my last two times, and have never done a good reintroduction.  I agree - I need to do the 30, then a good reintroduction.  I get caught up in the "this is so awesome, I'm going to eat W30 forever!"  and then decide I want something so I might as well make it a reintroduction, then all falls apart.  All or nothing mentality - that's me!!  Working very hard to change it this time around.  

[Brewer5]

Hmm, had to hit the pause button here for a couple of days.  I might get back to a compliant day tomorrow.

"This is so awesome, I'm going to eat W30 forever!" ~ yes.  Been there, done that, also.

MIL fell down in the bathroom this afternoon, getting out of the shower.  Came down on the trash can on her left side - and now we are monitoring to make sure it's not a ruptured spleen.  Fun times.  

It's hard for me to really take care of myself when I'm so busy taking care of everyone else.  But it always circles back to --> I need to be taking the best care of myself in order to take the best care of others.

I don't know.  This week was odd with my husband having to go on-call and go out of town for days at a time.  I'd like to say things will get back to normal soon, but honestly ... wtf is "normal".  Lol.  It's always something around here.

I'll be back.

[Brewer5]

Day 1:  9/5/20

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Starting weight:  116.0

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I've lost ~15 pounds since mid-April.  That's the first time I see that I recorded my weight here.  I was doing W30 with weight loss as one of my goals at that point.  It hasn't been a goal recently, but it's happening anyway.

MIL says the other day: "Have you lost weight since I've been here?"  

I shrug and say: "Probably." 

I keep talking to her about her fall ~ we were getting her cleaned up & ready to go to the doctor.  

A little bit later she says: "You've definitely lost weight since I've been here."  

And I say: "Ok."

She says: "I've noticed you don't eat very much."

And I say: "Oh, I eat plenty of food. I just don't eat what everyone else is eating."

--

I told my husband about this exchange, and told him that if the subject comes up with him - he needs to give her a gentle warning.  I have been through enough comments from family members about my weight in the past, that this is a sensitive spot for me.  I told him, I don't talk to her about her weight - she doesn't need to talk to me about mine.  

He and I have had this conversation so many times.  While it would never be okay for me to call out an overweight person eating cupcakes at a family gathering - my aunt thought it was perfectly fine to say to me: "Maybe you need to eat a cupcake. You're looking kind of skeletal".

That's just one example.  Probably the worst one.

These comments always come when I am eating & feeling my best.  When I'm feeling mentally clear, level, strong, and energetic.  I lean out and you can see the definition of the muscles I worked so hard for years ago.  Skeletal?  No.  That implies someone who is sick or dying.  These comments come when I am thriving.

So I will continue on the path I know is right for me.  No one else gets to decide what I eat or how I feel about my body.

Right now I feel GOOD.  But I see a nightly pattern trying to emerge again ~ not with wine, but with silver tequila and sparkling water ~ and I'd like to see how many days I can rack up with it removed.  Food is not a problem.  Diet pop has been gone for a long time now.  It's really just the alcohol.

[ShadowInTheKitchen]

I'm sorry that you have to endure those comments... here's to being part of the change in the dialogue that our society holds.  Talking about how you feel as opposed to how you look.  I'm glad to read that you feel GOOD!  You feel good even with all the stuff you have going on in your life right now.  That is huge.  Congratulations!