Beware the Dragons!

[Noelle]

{Day 25}

I'm sick. Some kind of cold. My throat hurts and I'm just starting to cough up gunk. Ugh. My hunger was all over the place today. I tried to make myself eat on something like a schedule to give myself some sense of Whole30-normalcy.

Meals

#1: Lamb stew, coffee, "Cold Cure" (ginger, garlic, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, turmeric—blended).

#2: Chicken sausage, turnip, sweet potato, olive oil; 1 cup wild blueberries with coconut butter and 1 Tbsp cacao nibs.

#3: Warm salad: canned red salmon, broccoli, tomatoes, raisins, coconut oil; pear.

Snack: Jerky and coconut flakes.

#4: Spinach-salmon stew, mashed pumpkin with curry spices, tea.

Thoughts

Still mad about my back. (It still hurts.) I hate being sick on top of being flared up. Overall, I was very, very depressed today. I really wanted to go off-program and have some elderberry syrup to help my cold. I didn't do it because I'm so close to the end, but if this had been Day 2, I might've caved.

[Derval]

Agh, sounds rough, feel better soon.

[Noelle]

My back is slooowly improving, but the cold is worse! My throat is crazy-sore. I just want to dive face-first into the raw honey.

{Day 26}

Meals

#1: Beef with broccoli topped with a fried egg, coffee.

#2: Chicken sausage, steamed cabbage, mashed curried pumpkin.

#3: Turkey burger, raw carrots, avocado-anchovy dressing/dip (odd experiment that turned out surprisingly yummy).

Snack/Cold Care: Mug of hot broth.

#4: Apple with coconut butter (eaten while preparing dinner), chicken-vegetable soup, sweet potato with coconut oil.

Thoughts

I had a lot of depression today—after I got through posting on the forums about how great my mood has been since I started to eat this way. Oh, well. It's better now. But I was in "destroy all things" mode earlier today.

I'm going to tack on a few extra days at the end of my Whole30 (a Whole35, maybe?) so I'm not ending on a sick note.

The good thing that came out of today: my husband reminded me that I used to have a lot of trouble with nausea after eating. I would eat what I thought was a nicely balanced meal, and then I would feel sick to my stomach afterwards. That hasn't happened AT ALL on Whole30. No nausea after eating, not even once!

[Noelle]

{Day 27} — What, already?

Meals

#1: Beef with broccoli topped with a fried egg, coffee. (Same as yesterday, 'cause it was awesome!)

#2: Big bowl of chicken soup, small bowl of fruit salad (blueberries, coconut, banana, sprinkling of cacao nibs).

#3: Salmon-spinach stew, plantain "chips."

#4: Deconstructed burger night! Beef patties, lettuce, onions, sauerkraut, pickles, mustard, avocado slices; roasted sweet potatoes with coconut butter.

Thoughts

My back is on the mend, my cold seems to be improving (though I'm hacking up disgusting gunk), and my mood is a little better. I was really hoping to feel more AWESOME at this stage of the W30, but: 1. it's my first go-round, 2. God only knows what nonsense is going on in my body that needs serious healing-time, 3. I'm still trying to figure out a meal schedule that works for my hunger and my life, and 4. my baby is still breastfeeding exclusively and waking up a couple times during the night. In other words, I'm cutting myself some slack. I'm really trying to celebrate how much progress I've made, especially with the mental hurdle of eating meat again.

[Noelle]

Aaand just like that, it's Day 30.

The past two days, I have been STARVING. As in, I will eat something (huge! With lots of good fat!) and then half an hour later, I feel like it's time to eat. I feel a little like I'm doing this process in reverse: I felt pretty good in the beginning, and now I'm hungry and tired and craving like mad... I wonder if this has to do with breast-feeding? I don't want to blame everything on the baby—she's a good baby, she doesn't deserve that—but I think she might be gearing up for a big growth spurt.

{Day 28}

Meals

#1: Sardines, sweet potatoes with coconut oil, coffee.

#2: Chicken, roasted Brussels sprouts and onions, homemade mayo.

#3: Salad: tuna, celery, walnuts, mustard, avocado oil; apple slices.

#4: Tuna steak, salad (butter lettuce, radicchio, and cucumber with olive oil-lemon dressing), broccoli with homemade mayo, a few plantain chips as garnish.

Before bed: Tea, spoonful of coconut butter.

{Day 29}

Meals

#1: Chicken thigh, broccoli with mayo, leftover salad.

#2: Two hard-boiled eggs (was going to be 3, but my son stole one!), salad (romaine lettuce, iceberg lettuce, red cabbage), sweet potato, homemade mayo.

#3: Turkey burger, mashed pumpkin with coconut oil.

#4: Handful of raw mixed nuts (hazelnuts, Brazil nuts, cashews, almonds) and small apple while making dinner; chicken curry, roasted cauliflower.

Before bed: Coconut flakes, tea.

Thoughts

I don't like being hungry in the evening, but I think I have to chalk it up to nursing. I eat dinner and then nurse the baby about 1/2 an hour later, and I think she steals all my nutrients!

I keep thinking I should extend my Whole30, but I'd also like a little bit of a break. I'm making cookies for my son's preschool class on Wednesday (which will be Day 31), and it would be nice to feel like I could have one, even if I decided in the end that I didn't want it. My mind is really rebelling against the "can't have" thoughts right now. Taking the "can't" away, and making it about "CAN have, but don't want" instead might help for a week or two.

[Noelle]

{Day 30} — !!!

Meals

#1: Chicken soup with mashed pumpkin mixed in, coffee.

#2: Chicken salad (chicken, homemade mayo, celery, cucumber, tomato, onion, dill, salt and pepper—yum!).

#3: Fisherman's eggs, roasted Brussels sprouts and onions, coconut flakes.

#4: Manhattan clam chowder, baked acorn squash with coconut oil, 1/2 an avocado.

Activity

Just usual housework. I want to get back to yoga, even if it's just a few minutes a day.

Thoughts

I can't believe I'm here, at the end of Day 30. I'm simultaneously annoyed that I don't feel AMAZING and proud of myself for being awesome. I didn't realize how much sugar I was really consuming until I cut it out for 30 days. I don't miss it—much. A treat every now and then would be nice, but my protein-rich breakfasts beat muffins any day of the week. I feel like I'm actually feeding myself now, and not just cramming in whatever calories are lying around so I can (maybe) make it through the day. And this process has given me a lot to think about—much more than I've gone into here.

Healing—emotionally, spiritually, physically—is going to be full-time, months-long job for me. I think I'm on the right path, but I'm just at the very beginning of it.

[Noelle]

{Results}

Physical

I lost just 2 lbs.—better than I expected, but not as much as I'd hoped.

My hunger and my digestion are still all over the place. I think this is partially hormonal (breastfeeding), and partially because I felt like I never really got into a "groove" with my meals and snacks. What started out as a solid 4-meals, no-snacks plan evolved as I adjusted to my changing hunger (and somewhat unpredictable schedule). I had one bad back pain flare-up during my Whole30 and one cold. I recovered from both pretty quickly, but I feel like both of those things may have skewed my results.

I discovered that nuts, while easily grab-able, upset my digestion when eaten by the handful. They seem to be OK as an ingredient (i.e., almond flour in meatloaf). Eating fruit, even as part of a meal, just makes me want more fruit. Lamb is delicious; I feel nourished when I eat it. Sweet potatoes, which I've always loved, are still one of my favorite vegetables. I didn't realize just how much grains were crowding vegetables out of my diet until I stopped eating them.

The biggest physical change: the nausea I used to have after eating is gone.

Emotional

I have a lot of work to do around feelings and food. A ton, actually. I don't think you can have an eating disorder for 22 years and not have serious work to do around feelings and food. The Whole30 just scratched the surface for me. I'd really like to do another 30 days where I also focus on mindful eating practices (e.g. eating while sitting down in a calm environment, eating what my body is hungry for as opposed to just acting as a human garbage disposal for leftovers).

Today is my second day "off program," and I'm extremely depressed. I don't know if it has to do with the cookies I ate yesterday (gluten-free raspberry thumbprint cookies—they were delicious) or if I'm just mourning my "lack of progress." I wanted a spectacular "before and after" success story, but I should've known that wasn't going to happen. I have five years of chronic pain to repair, and 30 days of real food isn't going to fix that.

I'm hopeful that I can heal. But I need to get over my fantasy of a "quick fix."

Spiritual

I'm still not 100% spiritually OK with eating animal protein. I was more attached to the idea of salvation through a plant-based diet than I realized. Now, I'm in this strange half-and-half space; I don't want to eat animal protein (though I do enjoy the taste of meat), but I also don't want to be sick and in pain all the time.

Someone on the forums said something to the effect of "eating an animal is more humane than making yourself sick on a vegan diet." I do really believe that. This is the one and only body I get in this life. The best thing I can do is take care of it.

[Noelle]

Today was a fully Whole30-compliant day. And I feel much better, mood-wise (and energy-wise! Sugar is a thief of energy!).

I'm tempted to call today Day 1 of Whole30 2.0. Too soon?

[Noelle]

(So, I'm between Whole30s right now, but it seemed silly to start a post-Whole30 log for a few days.)

The Plan

I'm starting Whole30 2.0 on the 18th. In the meantime, I'm eating clean, with the exception of the raw goji berry truffles that are waiting in the fridge for Valentine's Day, and the idea that I may indulge in a potluck treat on the 17th if something appeals to me.

Also in the meantime, I'm getting all the snacky things out of the house. No Larabars, coconut flakes, coconut butter, or dried fruit. Those things became too crutch-like on my first Whole30—they fed the Dessert Dragon more than I realized. (I knew I was an evening snacker, but I didn't realize what a mindless habit that going back for a little something extra was.)

I wish I'd known going into my first Whole30 that 30 days wouldn't even scratch the surface of many of my food and health issues. But if I'd been presented with the idea of a, say, Whole90 up front, I probably would've said, "Forget it. No way that's for me." Now, at least, I know I can do it, even if I didn't get super-awesome results after just 30 days.

[Noelle]

Goals for W30 2.0

1. No evening snacking. My body doesn't need anything between 7:00 PM, when I finish eating dinner, and 9:30 PM, when I get in bed.
   
2. No caffeine. If people can quit smoking while Whole30-ing, I can quit coffee.
   
3. Some sort of activity every day, even if it's just a few minutes. Some yoga here, a few push-ups there...it's better than nothing!
   
4. Green veggies at every meal.
   
5. Better meal planning! There will be healthy, compliant options in my fridge, ready to go, at all times!
   
6. Mindful eating. This means:
   

• Eating while sitting down.*
  
• Eating without distractions (as much as possible).
  
• Chewing thoroughly.
  
• Really taking pleasure in my delicious, healthful food!
  

*Eating while standing is one of my WORST food habits. It's a great way to "eat without eating." It is so easy to forget about that piece of chicken mindlessly consumed while standing in the kitchen. Eating while standing doesn't register as "mealtime" at all, so I always end up feeling unsatisfied. Also, it puts my brain straight into Binge Mode.

[Sarah Snyder]

I'm just a few days in on my first Whole30 and I have to say that your (brutal) honesty with yourself is inspiring! I hope the second round goes better for you than the first.

Any chance you'd share your "More Rock" sweet potato spinach square recipe? =)

[Noelle]

"More Rockin'" Sweet Potato-Spinach Squares

3 lbs. peeled, cubed sweet potatoes

1/4 cup olive oil or coconut oil

1 16-ounce package chopped frozen spinach, thawed

1 1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp EACH ground cumin, ground coriander, ground cardamom, cinnamon, and paprika

2 Tbsp fresh lemon juice

Zest from one lemon

1 cup almond flour

In a large pot, cover potatoes with water and bring to a boil. Once boiling, lower heat to simmer for about 20 minutes, or until potatoes are easily pierced with a fork. Drain and place potatoes in a large mixing bowl. Preheat oven to 400 F.

Use a potato masher to mash the potatoes with the oil. Press thawed spinach in a colander to remove some of the water. Combine with the potatoes. Add remaining ingredients and mix thoroughly.

Grease a 9 x 13-inch baking pan. Spread potato mixture in evenly. Bake 30 minutes. The dish is done when the top is browned and the potatoes are pulling away from the sides of the pan. Let cool at least 10 minutes before slicing into squares.

[Derval]

Great recipe!

[Noelle]

So it's Day 1 (again), and I have a confession to make.

One of my old eating disorder dragons reared its ugly head last week. I was in full-on Binge Mode for several days. I managed to gain back the two pounds I lost on my first Whole30, plus three more. (I understand that it's not all "real weight," but stepping on the scale this morning for my pre-W30 weigh-in was disappointing.) I'm tired, sore, depressed, and I almost feel hungover.

The worst part? I knew exactly what I was doing. It's not like I blacked out and woke up on my kitchen floor surrounded by cookie crumbs. I stood in front of the pantry and shoveled food into my mouth with complete, "f*ck you, health!" intention. Eating disorders are cruel that way.

I'm trying to approach what happened—and my relationship with food and my body—the way I would if this were something that had happened to a dear friend.

Having compassion for myself isn't always easy. And then I remind myself that my eating disorder has been with me since I was 8 years old. That's 22 years.

[Noelle]

Whole30 2.0

{Day 1}

Stats

5'8-1/2", 152 lbs., 28% body fat.*

Meals

#1: Three eggs fried in coconut oil, Rainbow Kale Salad (kale, red cabbage, bell pepper strips, olive oil and lemon juice).

#2: Turkey burger, roasted broccoli, 1/4 medium acorn squash, 1 whole avocado mashed with 2 Tbsp green salsa, decaf tea.

Snack: 2 sardines with tiny blob of spicy mustard, 1/2 red bell pepper, handful of green olives.

#3: Pesto chicken, romaine-and-cabbage salad, roasted carrots.

Post-WO: 1/2 cup canned salmon.**

Activity

'7 Weeks to 100 Push-Ups' Preliminary Program, Day 1!

Thoughts

*I'm not putting a lot of stock in the body fat percentage number, as I know it's just an estimate. However, I'd like to be less mushy.

**I know I said no post-dinner snacking. I was genuinely hungry, and I'd just made my muscles work. I'm still not sure how the post-WO meal is supposed to go when you're not doing a long or intense workout. Also, I don't think canned salmon (with bones! Which I ate, because I kick ass at eating canned fish!) will awaken the Dessert Dragon.

It was an emotional day. I'm going to make myself some tea, write a little, and go to bed.

[Noelle]

{Day 2}

Meals

#1: "No Butter Butter Chicken" (oh, coconut oil, how I love you!) over salad greens, handful of olives.

#2 (I ate this in courses because it was right around preschool drop-off time): Raw green cabbage with lemon-olive oil dressing, cold roasted carrots, 2 chicken eggs and 1 duck egg scrambled with salmon and green onions, 1 tsp of extra virgin olive oil drizzled over the top.

#3: "South of the Border Lamb Stew" (adapted from Paleo Slow Cooking), mixed baby greens salad with a small blob of tahini dressing, baked sweet potatoes, decaf tea.

Activity

40 minutes on the elliptical. It feels silly and hamster-wheely, but running on the elliptical is the only exercise (apart from PT) that's ever helped my back so far.

Thoughts

Three meals! Go me! Yes, I split lunch up, but hey. Baby steps.

[Noelle]

Gah, double post. Onward to...

{Day 4}

Meals

#1: No-butter Chicken, slow-cooked greens, 1 whole avocado, small plum.

#2: Lamb stew with a few handfuls of Swiss chard thrown in, 1/2 small baked sweet potato, (last of the) coconut butter, handful of black olives, decaf black tea.

#3: Broccoli Beef, acorn squash with coconut oil, green beans.

Activity

25 minutes on the elliptical. Better than nothing.

Thoughts

I did it! I ate a lunch that sustained me through 'til dinner! Woo-hoo!

[Noelle]

{Day 3}

Meals

#1: Leftover lamb stew, garlic-roasted broccoli, handful of green olives, small serving of fresh pineapple, decaf tea.

#2: Salmon-sardine salad with pesto and tahini dressing, raw red cabbage and romaine.

#3: Cod curry, roasted cauliflower, slow-cooked collard greens.

Drinks: Lots of decaf black and herbal tea. I lost count of how many mugs I had!

Activity

"7 Weeks to 100 Push-Ups," or "7WT100PU" from now on.

Thoughts

I'm trying not to snack, because I'd really like to lose some of this fat that's spilling over the top of my jeans. I'm hungrier than I'd like, but I'm also enjoying being hungry. It reminds me of the anorexia bone that I still have in me. My affirmation for today:

No matter how fat and ugly I "feel," I need to:

• eat breakfast.
  
• eat lunch.
  
• eat dinner.
  
• listen to my body.
  
• take care of my body.
  

(Because if I starve me, I starve my daughter. And I would never starve her.)

[Noelle]

My chiropractor says things are moving better in my back. Huzzah!

I got a pretty good night's sleep last night, because the baby slept for—drumroll, please—8-1/2 hours, and then another 3!

And I discovered a great trick to making sure my home-cooked lunch is ready when I am: Today I brought my stew to a boil on the stove when I had a few minutes in the morning, then stuck it in the slow-cooker on "Warm." A couple hours later (after a busy morning) I was starved, but lunch required ZERO prep!

[Noelle]

{Day 5}

Meals

#1: Green cabbage sauteed in coconut oil, leftover Broccoli Beef with an egg scrambled in, topped with coconut aminos and a teensy drizzle of sesame oil.

#2: Soup-ish concoction: I took leftover no-butter butter chicken and heated it with leftover roasted acorn squash and a can of coconut milk. I ate about half of that. A decent use of leftovers, but not fantastic. And I didn't get my green veggies in at lunch. Boo.

Snack: Apple with raw almond butter.

#3: Yellow squash noodles with veggie-packed marinara and meatballs, big salad (romaine, iceberg lettuce, red cabbage) with avocado, olive oil, and apple cider vinegar.

Activity

7WT100PU (Looks like a code for something.)

Thoughts

I didn't want to need a snack, but I did. It was 4:15, and there was no way I was going to make it to dinner at 6:45 and still feel like a nice human being. Today was grocery day (yay!) but that means the house is full of ingredients and not a lot of ready-to-eat food. Hence the fruit/nut-butter snack.

There are lots of things I like about W30. Here's one thing I hate. I hate that what used to seem like such a healthy snack—a beautiful piece of local raw fruit with raw nut butter—now seems "bad." I ate my apple and enjoyed it, but I felt like I was bending the rules, and that stinks. Because an apple with almond butter is so much better than all that crap that's marketed to us as "snack food."

[Noelle]

{Day 6}

Meals

#1: Leftovers hodgepodge! — Small portion of Broccoli Beef, fried egg, 1 chicken sausage, salad (romaine, iceberg lettuce, red cabbage, avocado, black olives), tea.

#2: Grilled chicken thigh, fried plantains, salad with almond-lime dressing.

Snack: Roasted chicken.

#3: Leftover meatballs, green beans, mashed cauliflower, baked sweet potatoes.

Activity

Long walk around the neighborhood with my family.

Thoughts

Turns out my "decaf black tea" may not be as decaffeinated as I thought. So this is a caffeine-light experiment, and not a caffeine-free experiment.

Also, it turns out, hot-from-the-oven roast chicken miiight be "food with no brakes" for me. Sad.

[Noelle]

Yesterday was {Day 7} and it was HARD.

Meals

#1: Leftover no-butter-chicken-squash soup with a couple handfuls of Swiss chard thrown in, apple, decaf coffee.

#2: Salad with chicken and pesto, banana, unsalted mixed nuts, herbal tea.

#3: Root vegetable-chocolate chili (a hybrid of Well Fed's chocolate chili and my favorite vegan roasted root vegetable chili), small baked sweet potato (root veggies with your root veggies?), spinach with almond-lime dressing.

Activity

Short walk with my family + some playtime at the park.

Thoughts

Lots of things... It really SUCKED to watch my family eat decadent desserts while I tucked into my salad and banana. We weren't even celebrating anything. It was just a random Sunday, but they decided, Hey, why not bring out the brownies?!

In some ways, I feel like my cravings are worse when I'm doing strict W30. Maybe I'm just more aware of cravings because I know I can't have certain things. It's the "forbidden fruit" problem. When I can have whatever I want, it's almost easier to tune into the question of whether I'm actually hungry for this or that.

In that way, I'm finding the Whole30—especially this second time around—really triggering. I'm thinking it might be time to stop for a while, and work on my eating disorder from the inside out. Emotions and habits first, food second. Maybe.

[Noelle]

{Day 8}

Meals

I ate 100% compliant today...

Thoughts

...but I think I'm going to take a break from logging my food here. I've already done 8 days, so I'm over the "first hump." I'll probably see this Whole30 through 'til the end. But logging my food seems to be triggering my old, bad thoughts about food.

[Tracythomp]

I hope you're ok. Your blog was sweet and insightful. Raw and honest. You sound like a wonderful person. I hope your health has improved.

[Noelle]

Well, I'm back. It's day 1 of Whole30 number FOUR! Or is it five? I think there may have a few false starts in there somewhere. In any case, hello, and welcome to Day 1...again!

A few things pulled me back here. One was letting sugar back into my life a little more than I'm comfortable with. The other was a small but serious eating disorder relapse.

I went back and forth about whether to do another Whole30. The fact that I felt both drawn and resistant to the idea seemed like a good indicator to give it another go.

I'll log my food, thoughts, symptoms and so on this evening, but for right now, here are my Four Goals for Round Four:

1.) Keep it simple. Not every meal needs to be a fine-dining experience. If I rotate through the same 21 plates over the next 30 days, that is totally fine.

2.) Remember that if I'm hungry for something specific, it's probably a craving and not actual need-to-eat hunger.

3.) Water, water, water, water!

4.) Do something nice for myself every day. I work hard, and I deserve a treat! I'm thinking Epsom salt baths, facial masks, new herbal teas, and giving myself permission to just sit and read a book or work on a little project.