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Very Hungry Mommy Food Freedom Journal


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Food Freedom Day 1

Feeling lost, not like lost in the woods I don’t know where to go, but lost like an 18 year old who has been released to a world of possibilities and boundless end to navigate.  Lucky for me I have those who have gone before me and a trail map And tools to help me find my own way.

So I finished my reintroduction officially ending my whole 30.  Now what? Where to? What to eat?  Do I continue a journal? What are my goals? What have I learned that I want to take with me?  Is food freedom a real possibility for me?  

Journaling helps me to process my thoughts and analyze my food choices and plating. So do I continue to journal? Yes! I enjoy the process and I do not feel it is unrealistic for me to continue journaling.

What are my goals?  There’s a loaded question!   Gut health, including living without gastric upset, healthy elimination patterns, living almost every day without bloating.  Hormone balance, less roller coaster effect with PMS, a steadier regular cycle, clear healthy skin with little to no breakouts.  Healthy weight loss that happens naturally as I take on a more whole food approach to life.  135lbs is on the high side of normal BMI for my height.  I was there once and happy with it.  Less than 130 I felt like I was too skinny almost unhealthy looking.  I want to have a healthy relationship with the scale and my tape measure.  The numbers are not important, the NSV are the greater indicator of health. I  want to finish Natalie Hodson Stronger Together just to finish an exercise plan and see if in 11 more weeks if it has made a difference.  I want to continue to incorporate yoga into my workout to build my flexibility back.   I want to feel sexy confident and comfortable in front of my hubby.  I want to be able to pick up an item off the rack and know with confidence I’m going look great and not worry about if it will hide my lumps and bumps.  I want to wear a form fitting dress without spanx.  I want to enjoy great whole food without worry, and lead my children by example.  I want to enjoy a treat when I determine it is worth it without guilt or fear of being out of control.  

Valentines Day  was yesterday and it’s a bit of a blur.  

I made a fun brunch (with no sugar added to anything my boys were less than impressed) it tasted amazing to me.  Banana egg crêpes stuffed with strawberries and whipped coconut cream topped with a strawberry sauce. Homefries made in the air fryer. And two pederson no sugar sausage patties.  

The boys and I made cupcakes regular box mix white cupcakes with almond strawberry swirl frosting, and The others were chocolate cupcakes with strawberry frosting that were Ok for 11 yr old to eat which means they contained no gluten, dairy, corn, soy, or eggs.  He has many more food allergies those are just the ones that typically show up in cake and frosting.  They didn’t want to wait to properly decorate so they each had one with frosting just slapped on and I took tax.  A bite from one of each.  I think the Chocolate one tasted much better than its boxed counterpart and I don’t even care much for chocolate.  I struggled while making these with tasting batter and icing and crumb tops.  I think this is three fold.  I taste as I bake to ensure the flavor is just right, this leads to the craving and mindless tasting, but also the additional mindless tasting comes from somewhere in the back of my brain that I might not get to have any if I wanted it so I better get my fix in now.  Only that fix isn’t satisfying but often leaves me feeling gross and on a sugar high with bloat and all around nauseous feeling.  I constantly had to put myself in check.  I finally said self if you don’t stop mindlessly stealing tastes then you won’t have a cupcake.  I decided I’d rather have the fully decorated experience than all the little drawn out tastes.  I waited after they were finished to make sure I really wanted it and then I waited some more.  It wasn’t until after dinner that I decided I would have my Valentine’s Day cupcake.  I talked myself out of eating the chocolate one because I rationalized those were for my 11 yr old, but honestly I wish I had gone with the chocolate.  They were not just for my son I made them for everyone and I may have enjoyed that one more with way less impact on my gut.  I felt very bloated and my congestion is back.  

For supper my hubby decided on subway.  The bread smelled heavenly but I knew in the back of my mind I had an indulgent cupcake awaiting me at home.  So I decided on a salad.  Grilled chicken, bacon a lot of veggies, a little cheese and ranch and bbq sauce.  It was surprisingly good and satisfying.  

Today 2/15

12:00 M1 - sauté cabbage and meat sauce

I was tired and lethargic after the cupcake last night and most of this morning as well.  I just wasn’t hungry this morning.  I went through the motions of the day and drank water.  Lunch time today I made frozen pizzas for the boys, and I decide to sauté up some cabbage and I topped that with my hearty spaghetti meat sauce.  It was really good, filling and comforting.  I was so tempted to eat a small bite size corner of the pizza, but I decided it wasn’t worth it.  When I do pizza it will be good worth it Pizza.  I had to keep reminding myself of this over and over.  

I napped when baby napped and then some.  It is helpful having the big boys and an almost potty trained baby.  They took care of him for me so I could sleep a little longer.  

So I decided I wanted to weigh myself and measure to have a starting point for my food freedom.  After that I’ll weigh on the first of each month.  Down another 5lbs I honestly was shocked.  I started considering a goal I had considered last year.  Lose 40 by age 40.  Even though in September when I first considered this I felt it was impossible and put on 8 more pounds instead.  However, now I’m feeling like that is totally doable, but it doesn’t seem as important to me now.  I’m realizing as I continue to improve my relationship with food my body will move into the balance and place it needs and wants to be.  I turn 40 next month and this has been a fantastic gift to myself… so much better than some strict calorie counting diet leaving me unfulfilled unconnected and unhappy.  Thank you Melissa and whole 30 for helping me heal in so many ways.

My first step in my Food Freedom is to begin to use my organic butter again on a regular basis while paying close attention to how I respond.  I will start doing this in a day or two once the bloating and congestion clear up from the cupcake.  I enjoy butter and although I can make clarified butter it would certainly be a time saver in the kitchen to just use butter from the stick.


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FF Day 1 - cont

7:00 M2 - cajun kielbasa with potatoes and green beans and a large salad with cucumbers, tomatoes slivered almonds and raspberry dressing.  


My boys 13 and 11 made dinner tonight.  I was feeling a bit overwhelmed tonight with the kitchen and the pile up that happened while I was taking care of hubby with a gout flare up, a teething baby and the Valentine cooking shenanigans.  So I called in the troops.  I told them what they had available to make and they chose the Cajun sausage and potatoes.  Oh was it ever good, and good news is all of it was whole 30 friendly.  I started making an effort last year to teach them how to cook more than just a hot dog in the hot dog toaster.   Tonight it paid off.  Plus I’m sure it will serve them well later when they leave the nest.

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  • Whole30 Certified Coach

@BabyBear thanks for sharing your journey on Food Freedom! What a great job realizing how you felt after the cupcake! I loved how you realized the frozen pizza was not worth it for you. At the moment it can be easy just to have a little nibble and think it won't matter, but those little nibbles add up - as most realize in their Whole30 rounds!

I love it when I realize our meal was compliant, even without trying! Cooking as a family is a wonderful gift you can give your boys. Kudos to you and your family!!

I hope your husband's flare-up passes quickly. I have gout and it is the worst!

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@Terra Milliken thank you for your kind words.  Yes I’m pretty certain that gout apart from terminal pain is the worst pain.  He had a flare up in his elbow normally it’s his toe.  He missed it the doctor missed it the first time, but when I got home that evening and looking at it I was certain it was gout.  Went back to doctor and they confirmed I was right.  That was Thursday.  The swelling and inflammation are finally down enough that he can move it and somewhat function.  Hopefully in a few more days the pain will be completely gone for him,  now just to keep him convinced to rest it  until it is completely cleared up.

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  • Whole30 Certified Coach
Just now, BabyBear said:

@Terra Milliken thank you for your kind words.  Yes I’m pretty certain that gout apart from terminal pain is the worst pain.  He had a flare up in his elbow normally it’s his toe.  He missed it the doctor missed it the first time, but when I got home that evening and looking at it I was certain it was gout.  Went back to doctor and they confirmed I was right.  That was Thursday.  The swelling and inflammation are finally down enough that he can move it and somewhat function.  Hopefully in a few more days the pain will be completely gone for him,  now just to keep him convinced to rest it  until it is completely cleared up.

Oh man! That sounds so painful for him! I have it in my feet. Whole30 has really helped with my gout, but oddly enough I have yet to pinpoint what causes my flare-ups. The good news is with my Food Freedom I rarely have flare-ups anymore. 

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17 hours ago, Terra Milliken said:

Oh man! That sounds so painful for him! I have it in my feet. Whole30 has really helped with my gout, but oddly enough I have yet to pinpoint what causes my flare-ups. The good news is with my Food Freedom I rarely have flare-ups anymore. 

He normally gets it in his big toe and ball joint on his foot.   I’ve figured out one of his biggest contributing factors is dehydration.  The second is not having enough variety especially when he has several similar meals in close proximity. He is trying to eat a little more conscious but it’s hard for him.  I’m hoping that with the changes he is working on making for the gout will help him avoid worse health complications in the future.  All things happen for a reason, some don’t realize their diet is destroying their body until it’s too late, so I’m glad it’s gout waking him up.

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Setting the stage for a life of Food Freedom 

6:00 up with baby.  Got him on the potty changed and he wanted bed and bottle.  I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. Not sure if this is PMS or the aftermath of that cupcake from Valentines.  My guess is it’s the latter.  Back to bed and sleep while baby sleeps

8:30 up and take baby potty and get him breakfast going.  I’m moving at a snails pace.  Change our laundry, start diapers in the wash, fold towels,  clean up from babies breakfast, start dishwasher.  Start my breakfast.

10:00 M1 - 3 egg omelet with Italian seasoning and tomatoes cooked in CB topped with a tablespoon of W30 ketchup, 3 pieces of bacon, large salad with carrots cucumbers and raspberry dressing.  A mug of earl grey.

I decided I’m eating W30 today as I don’t feel well in my gut or my head.  I need to get my body back to home base where I feel good no bloating and energy.  I did decide a cup of tea sounded soothing to my soul.  It will be interesting to see if it affects me as I haven’t had caffeinated drinks since I started my January Whole 30.  The good news is I didn’t want sugar or cream in my tea.  I had it black and it was soothing.  Good food in my belly helped.   We aren’t making it to church today, plus baby has a cough and runny nose from teething.  But we will all snuggle on the couch and watch via FB feed to listen to our pastor teaching from the Word.    I was so grateful when they began using FB live to record the sermon for later reference because it helps us moms with kids who miss due to illness from time to time to remain connected.  I also enjoy going back throughout the week and listening to the sermon when I have a quiet moment without a baby hanging onto me screaming to be able to take notes and really contemplate what is being said and taught.  

I did manage to get a few things done after the service before getting out the door to train with my gup.  Maybe I can steal away to go skate tonight because I feel like I could kill all the things.  Pretty certain my TOM is on the horizon.  


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5:30 S1 - chocolate coconut Rxbar 

I got to go skate! I was getting hungry but I knew better than to skate on a full stomach.  I stopped to pick up gum for hubby at Walgreens and omg they had some compliant Rxbars but that was pretty much it.  So an Rxbar it was.  It wasn’t to bad either.  I skated my booty off.  Drank 3 bottle of water during the session because I was running hard.  I wish I had my wahoo ticker it would have been fun to see how many miles I skated.  I definitely skated off the ick and kill all the things feeling I had today.  

9:45 M2 - gigantic bowl of lettuce cucumbers tomatoes carrots ham turkey eggs bacon and about 1.5 tsp honey mustard.  

Hubby and I went out to “our” little spot to grab some good food.  I had a gigantic salad that I could not finish but it was so good.  I was craving their club sandwich but i’m finally feeling better and I didn’t want to upset my stomach again… so their chef salad was basically the same thing without the bread.  The waiter thought I was crazy when I asked him to bring out the honey mustard on the side with a spoon.  I used the spoon to measure out how much I was going to drizzle on just to have hint of a taste.   So before whole 30 I was a 2-3 tumbler of honey mustard kind of girl, especially theirs because it is home made.  So good!  The 1.5 tsp was just enough for the taste with out over powering the taste of the veggies on the salad.  After about 2/3 of the salad I heard myself say I’m full.  I stopped my fork in mid air and set down the bite.  It was so good but I’m learning to stop when I’m full now no matter how wonderful the food was or how wasteful it feels.  I’m certain the ham, turkey, bacon were not sugar free and I know the honey mustard wasn’t but I made that choice knowingly with out guilt worry or shame.  I just had an extreme three hour cardio workout and I felt great tonight.  I was excited about the salad  and having all the taste of my favorite food without the havoc wreaking effects of gluten.  Win win!  

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Tired is not an excuse

I thoroughly enjoyed my time out last night and  I’m paying dearly for it today.  I feel like a zombie.  Well I actually feel better than I did yesterday.  Bloating is gone, I no longer want to kill all the things, nor am I having stomach cramps, but I could sleep a thousand sleeps.  I tried to get up in time to cook breakfast and workout, but nope I hit that snooze button probably 10 times.  We did get out the door in time and I grabbed an Rxbar, beef stick, and a clementine on the way out the door when I had a fleeting thought of BK breakfast sandwich.  I don’t want it, it doesn’t fit with my goals and just because I’m tired doesn’t give me an excuse to abandoned my new found food freedom.    

7:30 M1/S1 - Rxbar beef stick and clementine

The Rxbar was too sweet tasting I only ate half. Working at a clients today, enjoying the solitude!  Looking over the past few weeks I’ve realized that I have been allowing my day to toss me to and fro instead of me taking control of my day.  I believe I would feel more productive and less stressed if I took some time to add some top level structure to my day.  I need to go back to time blocking. It has always worked well for me in the past as long as I leave marginal space for life that happens between the schedules.  I definitely need to be more intentional with my time when it comes to work, My kids, my hubby, and definitely my own self care.

Ha when I picked up my 13 ds from his tutorial group today he had a heart shape box of chocolates. My momma bear brain went on full alert.  He assured me it was from his tutor and not a girl.  Oh me those days are coming… I need to start mentally preparing for them.  Once the kill the girl stressor was removed my brain oh chocolates (I don’t even like chocolate). I asked myself would you even want chocolate right now if he hadn’t walked out with some.  The obvious answer was No! So carry on Mr. Bowditch carry on.  And so I did and did not give them a second thought.

4:45 M2 - LO Cajun sausage potatoes and green  beans.  2 pieces of bacon

I can’t believe I forgot my lunch.  I didn’t even have time to stop and pick up something.  I survived until I got home.  But even after I was full from eating I felt myself continuously go into the pantry to “look”. I recognized that I was looking to graze so I made a point to acknowledge this and to ask myself some questions.  Are you still hungry?  No.  Is there something you are looking for? Not really.  Why do you keep coming to the pantry? I don’t know.  Then I asked myself to please stay out of the pantry unless I was hungry.  That helped correct that behavior.  Along with a tall glass of water.  

The big boys went to the movies with my hubby while baby and I stayed home and played.  I’m glad we stayed home.  It was good to get some one on one time with the baby.  We sang songs and danced and snuggled and he went to bed at a decent hour before everyone came home.

9:15 M3 - grilled shrimp, baked potatoes with CB, coleslaw.

Food was good and afterwards hubby and I snuggled on the couch to watch our show.  My stomach feels off and has all day I just thought it might be hunger.  Now I’m thinking it may be constipation.  

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Step away from the scale!


Very tired and lethargic this morning.  I have a mountain of things to do, but I’m struggling.   

9:30 M1 - 3 eggs with Italian seasoning and tomatoes cooked in bacon grease, 2 pieces of bacon, large salad with mixed greens and cucumbers with non compliant raspberry vinaigrette.

I struggled with what to make for breakfast I didn’t have much in way of veggies left and I’m trying to be more conscious about having my plate look more like the meal template… however my perfectionist side of me almost sabotages my efforts because if I can’t do it perfectly I’m not doing it at all.   So I decided not eating anything wasn’t an option and doing the best with what I had was good enough.  I was going to have an orange with my eggs but then I saw the salad and decided that would fill up my plate with veggies even though it seemed weird to eat a salad with an omelet.  But then I realized I had no more compliant dressing.  Ugh and I reached for my old favorite dressing, loaded with sugar and soy without thinking, with out asking myself worth it questions.  It did make my salad absolutely delightful, but it doesn’t help me identify if my mood and overall ick feeling is food or me or both.  I just need to toss that dressing out, I didn’t struggle with it during the whole 30 because of that perfection streak in me but now that the the rules are removed and I’m figuring out this food freedom one step at a time I have a feeling that dressing is one that will lead me down that gradual slide…. Ugh In the trash it goes, at least it’s only a little bit left. A moment of silence as my brain shrieks in the horror of the atrocity I just committed.

We went to the animal shelter today with our 4-H group to deliver items the kids had purchased and made to donate to the shelter.  A news paper reporter came out and is writing a story about it.  We had a good time visiting with the dogs and cats.  It was a nice break from the daily grind.  After that I braved the overwhelming forecast of too many people and stopped at the grocery store for food and survived!  Soooo many people there at noon, where do they all come from?

Baby went down for a nap as soon as we got home and so did I.  I slept a little over an hour and felt better when I got up.  I got some house work done and prepared to make dinner and mayo.  My 11 yr DS decided to help so I put him in charge of making taco meat while I made some mayo.  After putting the spice blend together from my recipe he said ah ha now I know why you want me to know fractions… so I can cook!  He’s too funny.

7:00 M2 - taco salad with ground beef, my taco seasoning blend, lettuce, avocado, tomatoes, W30 mayo and NS Ketchup.

I’m not sure what possessed me to put mayo on my taco salad? Maybe because it was white and I was wishing for sour cream, but whatever the reason I’m so glad I did because it was delicious!  This meal was completely compliant and scrumptious.  I looked longingly at my 13 yr flour tortilla and then asked myself if I wanted one?  I decided no I would enjoy my meal and have just as much satisfaction without a tortilla especially knowing that gluten causes bloating for me.  

I am really struggling with not stepping on the scale the past two days.  I haven’t done it but I keep thinking that I “need” to to make sure I’m not messing up my weight loss.  I think because I’m working on living in food freedom and I’ve allowed the occasional non-compliant dressing or condiment that I’m going to undo my hard work.  Here is where I have to let go of some fears that I can’t be trusted with food freedom.  If I made a decision in the present that something was worth it in the moment then it doesn’t matter what the numbers say because my ability to practice food freedom by saying yes or no carries  far more weight than any number on a scale would or ever could.  So I’m still working to let go of that number.  I don’t want to define my health by my weight… my weight will be a product of my health .  Even though I’m no longer doing a whole30 I feel like breaking free of the scale stronghold and developing a healthy mindset of how I determine my health and my victories is a big part of the Food Freedom mindset that I am developing.  The first of each month will be my measurement day.  And it will be one of my many tools to help me evaluate my food freedom and to put a tangible check in place to prevent an unwanted slide to carry me away for months at a time.  

My mood and spirit is lighter after having good food and then some time with hubby.  Kitchen is cleaned necessary laundry for the next few days is finished.  Tomorrow will be fast and furious but it should prove to be a good day.


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2/19 Food Freedom - Fasting 

Long day ahead of me today.  I’m feeling worn down and a stressed with the work piling up with tax season upon me.  My patience and coping levels are dangerously low.   Today is going to be my fast day, and honestly I’m glad as it removes me from making food decisions in my current state.  

NSV I no longer feel like I need a sundrop and a snickers to make it through my Wednesday afternoon at my client.  This is huge!!!!!

I finished my day out hungry but feeling better about me, my ability to live in my own food freedom.  I realized I was fretting about adding back in my favorite foods on occasion because those foods are often food without brakes. When I identified this I asked myself why I was worried.  I do not have to add them back in yet, they will be there in the future if and when I want them.  I have some personal goals that I know those foods will derail so I’m going to put them back up on the shelf of my mind and when I have accomplished my goals and I am living confident and with ease in my food freedom I will consider them when the opportunity presents and when they are worth it.    I do not want fear of a slide to dictate my food choices.  I want to decide what I eat, there are outside things that will have impact on my decision but ultimately it boils down to what it is that I want.  I am a grown person I can eat what I want when I want.  And right now I want real whole unprocessed foods that will nourish and heal my body.

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2/20 Food Freedom - compliant day 1

reset until I feel my best

6:50 up to change baby and find out our class is canceled again!  This is the fourth week in a row.  Ugh!  Oh well I’m going to make the most of this day and tackle work.

8:00 M1 - 2 eggs scrambled, 2 Pederson Sausage patties, home fries

The sausage patties are hot and my nose drained.  I guess I was still carrying some congestion.  NSV my snoring has decreased immensely according to my husband.  Yay!

While fixing breakfast and putting a roast together for dinner my 11 yr DS told me again how glad he was that I did the whole 30.  He told me at first he was upset because it meant we would be eating at home and packing lunches and not eating out as much as usual, but now he’s glad because he really enjoys all the good tasting food I’ve been making.  He said he looks forward to eating at home now.  Ah I love that boy of mine!  He sure does know what to say to encourage his momma to keep walking the line.  

I am going to eat compliant meals for the next few days until I am back to feeling more energetic and relieved of my stomach ick feeling.  Once I’m back in balance I will reintro butter for a few days and see how I do with butter.  

I’m sitting here working and being productive watching the snow fall.  Something peaceful about snow falling.  I’ve also been listening the Melissa’s podcast do the thing and it  once again has me in tears with a lot to think on and unpack.  

My energy levels are returning!  It also helps I’ve felt productive today, and that baby has been relatively happy And playful.  Taking a break from work to make lunch and do dishes.  

1:00 M2 - aidelles chicken and apple sausages (NS) onions, red bell peppers, carrot matchsticks sautéed and served over a bed of greens. With some W30 Ranch.

Grrr my ranch did not turn out as well this time.  I used almond milk instead of coconut milk I wonder if this is the cause.  It super thin.  I may try mixing more mayo in it when I make mayo later tonight.  Other than that lunch was delish!  My energy and mood are definitely better despite the deadline I’m working right now.  

Lunch time musings… so I’ve been mulling over the podcast I listened to earlier today.  Talking about how to build bullet proof self confidence… ie not constantly needing validation.  This hit me smack dab between the eyes.  I’ve been feeling a little irked at me, my results, people in my life… for the pettiest of reasons… no one has really noticed my weight loss.  The root of this disappointment is  I’m looking  for others to validate my hard work.  The problem with looking to others to validate me it also gives them the power to insult or criticize me in this area.  The podcast talked about evaluating yourself in any area you are looking for validation and give yourself an honest review.  Stay in your own validation and then if others do praise you or criticize you it doesn’t hold weight with you because you already know where you are at and what you think of you.  So what do I think of my weight loss?  I think I’ve done an amazing job of changing my relationship with food and the growth as a person on my whole food journey.  I don’t think I’m perfect and that I still have a ways to go, but to have shed 1/3 of the weight I need to loose to be a healthy BMI is fantastic.  I still think I am an unhealthy uncomfortable weight and have more work to do, but the difference between now and December is undeniable.  The changes I have made and have seen to date are worthy of my pride, they are remarkable.  


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2/20 cont

7:00 Got the hard pressing deadlines for today done now to get bellies fed.  I am so glad I took the time to put the roast on this morning.  It was great!  I even took the time to make the gravy.  So far the recipes out of the whole 30 slow cooker book has not disappointed me.  

7:30 M3 hot beef roast recipe made with venison.  Mashed potatoes and gravy (from the roast and both compliant). Steamed broccoli.

Super filling and satisfying meal.  All the boys liked it. I got dish washer cleared and dishes cleared from counters.  Now to help hubby finish packing for his work trip.  

9:00 we got all the inventory done and loaded up.  Sigh I wish I could be going with him.  I’m gonna miss him greatly!

10:00 hubby is on the road and I have the I’m lonely munchies.  I’m not going to succumb to the munchies.  I’m satisfied with dinner.  I’m going to be okay in the loneliness it’s not forever just a few days.  


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2/21 A beautiful Struggle of Food Freedom 

Compliant - Day 2

6:00 up with baby.  I’m awake and alert just very slow moving.  It’s that special TOM that has me feeling less like myself and more like a tortured zombie.  NSV for being a first day I’m not in debilitating pain.  I’m functioning I actually feel joy and happiness.  I was able to get out of bed and get everyone ready for our outing.  I didn’t even consider canceling.  I have not felt anxious about the outing or being around a lot of people in an unknown space.  

8:40 M1 3 eggs Lo cooked sausage patties broken up.  Spinach and tomato chopped.  1/2 banana

I mixed all of it together (minus the banana) and made a “frittata” of sorts.  It was okay, I should have added spices but I was in a hurry and forgot.  Ketchup would have helped and I was out of whole 30 ketchup and I was not about to even considered the sugar heavy tomato syrup.  I ate most of it before the full light went off.  I was like one more bite, No just step away from the fork.  Geesh that clean your plate mentality runs deep!

9:00 we managed to get out the door on time and we are headed to the big city over an hour away for a field trip to the art museum.  Sadly this is my first time there even though I lived in the big city for most of my life until last year when I married my Superman from a small town in the middle of no where.  I wonder why I never went before now, I’ve always been curious and interested in going.. Anxiety!  I never really understood that I deal with anxiety but I obviously do.  The idea of going down town to a place I don’t know and don’t know what to expect with parking, rules, food, people etc it paralyzes me.  I’m breaking free of that and my food relationship is helping me in this transition.  So here is to a new adventure today and a little culture to expand my little men’s horizons.  

The reason above all others as to why we ventured out to the museum was the Eric Carle exhibit, the artist for so many great children’s book, but one in particular I love…The Very Hungry Caterpillar.  That story resonates with me.  The caterpillar eats all the things and gets sick.  So he returns to a diet healthy for him and later becomes a beautiful butterfly.  Although my kids enjoyed the exhibit for the nostalgia of art they recognize from books we would read together, it was something so much more for me.


1:30 Salad with romaine, cucumbers, tomatoes, sunflower seeds, dried cranberries, cut up beef stick, bacon.  With an Rxbar and clementine.  Along with about 3 small pieces of honey dew and cantaloupe.  

We ate at the café of the museum.  I had a feeling that there would be much for my 11 yr DS with food allergies and myself so I packed some emergency just in case food which proved to be helpful.  The salad was tasty although different with the beef stick.  No dressing because all they had were high in sugar or dairy.  I sprinkled a few of my extras I brought with me on the salad.  I also ate my RX bar after for the added protein and because I was still hungry.  Also no drinks in the museum made for one thirsty momma come lunch time.  But their water was $3 a bottle so I only drank the one.  

One of my Homeschool group moms hugged me and asked if I had lost weight.  A few days ago this would have put me on cloud nine.  Today I smiled and said in a very matter of fact tone yes I have.  Then I thought to myself that I agreed with her my weight loss is noticeable, but also it’s not time to take it easy as I have more work to do in my food relationship.  Then later I ran into friends I hadn’t seen since high school, and I approached them.  They said they thought it was me but they weren’t sure.  I jokingly said it’s okay I’ve definitely aged a little since high school and their mom whom I adore but she always says the wrong thing at the wrong time said yes well having babies will change us won’t it.  A few days ago I would have taken that comment completely wrong.  I would have received it at a dig at my weight.  Today however I thought about it and agreed having babies does definitely change us, as does trauma, divorce, love, death, illness and so many other things.  Then I thought to myself yes having children has changed me for the better in so many ways, after I I thought that was an interesting comment in front of her two daughters who also looked “different” and had their arms full of children as well.  Then I mentally handed her comment back to her for her to keep.

We walked through the rest of the museum to see the other exhibits.  Some were beautiful others strange and unique.  The last exhibit was  pictures and stories from the local flood 10 years ago that was absolutely devastating.  I cried.  It brought so many emotions to the surface.  They asked for people to jot down their flood story to be added to a book.  I wrote down two stories.  One that was about my personal house and also about not realizing just how bad it was until The news aired in real time my dad’s office floating down the interstate and then it imploding when it got hung on a tractor trailer that was almost completely submerged and the water pressure ended up crushing it.  The other story was how people from my church used a boat to rescue people off the interstate and brought them to dry ground to our gymnasium.  How we as a church helped so many people rebuild from nothing and how out of that a ministry of providing food, English classes, refuge help etc was born that is still thriving and helping hundreds if not thousands of people every month.  The area my church was in was a melting pot of people because it was one of several cities in the US that is used to relocate people groups needing asylum from civil war, genocide etc around the world.  The ministry was named The Branch and our mission was to love others well and to help meet their basic needs to be the hands and feet of Jesus.  Some would say this ministry isn’t effective because there is not 100s of converts, but that was not the goal.  We weren’t there to preach but to love and let our actions speak for themselves.  And it does, and when someone asks with tears in their eyes why do you do this for me? We get to say because God loves me and loves you and So I love you too.  The flood was hard, horrible, and heartbreaking but our eyes were open to the great need in our back yard and we changed, we engaged, and we learned to love without strings and what a difference it is making in so many lives!  Dwelling on that reminded me once again that pain and struggle is needed for growth,  for metamorphosis and that in and of itself is beautiful.  

5:00 an hour nap (I was exhausted when I arrived home)

7:00 dinner LO chicken sausage peppers onions and carrots over top of mixed greens. 2 pickles 

Dinner was good and lazy.  I am feeling a bit bleh from TOM so I opted out of making dinner and I had leftovers and boys made themselves frozen pizza.  It smelled cheesy and greasy and tempting, but also smelled like belly aches, bloating, lethargy, and sinus issues.  When I have pizza it’s NOT going to be frozen pizza no sir, it will be Angelos or Joeys for sure.  Both are some of the best Sicilian pie you can find in the big city.  Despite TOM I’m feeling better back down to the last belt hole, no break outs, complexion is almost clear.  It’s been a good day but a long one.


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Yay for getting out of your comfort zone by going on the trip to the art museum!  It’s great to hear that you weren’t anxious about getting up and going, when you maybe would have been in the past.  The idea of socializing with other moms would cause me the most anxiety.  I was moved by reading your flood stories.  I don’t actually know anyone personally that has gone through a flood event.  We don’t get a lot of natural disasters up here.  It is so special that you were able to write down your stories and become part of the city’s history.  Hope you have a wonderful rest of your weekend!

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2/22 food freedom on the road

7:30 ooops I over slept but oh the sleep was good.  I woke up feeling rested but still a little bleh from TOM. Got everyone up and out the door for a very busy day.

1st up archery tournament.  My boys did great they improved the scores from last time.  

11:45 M1 - large salad with tomatoes cucumbers almonds bacon and smoked turkey breast with about 1/2 Tbs of cayenne honey mustard dressing.  (I gave the tasty little cheese bread muffin to my 13 yr DS as it’s his favorite.  I asked them to hold the croutons and cheese)  I know the dressing had sugar and soy, and I’m sure the turkey does too as well as the bacon, so I decided I was okay with that today, but I did not want to over tax my system by adding dairy and gluten to the mix.  The salad was tasty and I’m still shocked how much I’m enjoy salads with using 1/2 cup of dressing.  Going from 1/2 cup to 1/2 Tbs of dressing is like wow.   The sad part was I never realized how much dressing I was using.  That’s a lot of sugar and rancid fat!

After lunch we met up with a friend and her family at the big flee market and rummaged through peoples junk for 4 hours.  My nana would have loved it! So would my husband.  I hate spending money and so I feel weird about pawing through stuff I have no intentions on buying.  I did buy the baby some board books for 50 cents each because brand new board books are expensive and he LOVES books.  They did almost get me on some green arrow comic books from 1993 that I read as a young person… but they really wanted too much so I walked away.  Oh but I loved green arrow, he was one of my favorites! We saw lots of unique and interesting things. I loved the reused leather belts made into cuffs.  Ha and I saw three word pictures ya know the pretty cursive ones on white background in wood frames.  If was into decorating I would have totally bought them to hang in my bedroom. My friend was dying at the thought.  She said she may steal my idea.  The three said “get naked” , “I like your butt” and “I licked it, so it’s mine”. We laughed the rest of the day about that.  

We stopped at grocery store to grab food before going into a clients to work.  So dinner was a sort of hodge pod of food between the snacks I had and the protein we picked up.  

5:30 M2 - rotisserie chicken, clementine, pineapple and pistachios.

I did not end up needing or wanting the RXbar I brought for emegrncies.  We got home around 10 and we all crashed.  Such a long day.  

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2/23 Feeling Fabulous

7:30 I woke up feeling pretty fabulous and decide the outward appearance should reflect how I feel on the inside.  So I curled me hair, applied some makeup, pulled out the red lipstick and slipped into my little black jumper, which is almost too big for me to wear now.  That makes me a little sad, but also a whole lot of happy.  I decided to snap some pictures for proof that I am not always that tired looking mom with her hair in a bun.  I actually liked my pictures I took so that’s another NSV.  

The morning was going to well! My tire was very very low on air.  So in my high heels and red lipstick I fixed my tire temporarily.  Driving to church it started leaking air, so immediately to the tire shop I went with all the kids in tow.  Sigh why do these things happen when the hubby is out of town.  2.5 hours later they had pulled the nail and patched the tire and I am back road worthy again.  On the bright side I was close enough that my parents were able to come pick up the boys so they didn’t have to hang out at the tire shop the whole time.   

I handled that whole scenario with out stressing out or feeling anxious.  Normally I’d be like I need a sundrop and a snickers bar.  Not today I did not feel the need for food to cope, so that’s a big NSV

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Monday 2/24 - butter be good

6:00 Despite not sleeping well I feel energetic this morning.  I tried working last night and kept falling asleep.  I should have just gone to bed. I had to get items printed for 11DS 4-H presentation.  He practiced his presentation and I took it with me for breakfast.  His presentation is how to eat spinach and like it by making a green pina colada smoothie.  That boy loves food!  Breakfast is on the go as I have to get my 13DS to his class an hour away and then back in time for 4-H. Phew busy morning.

7:15 M1 - green pina colada smoothie (1/2c coconut milk, 1 banana, 1 c frozen pineapple, 3 large handfuls of spinach)

12:15 M2 - LO hot beef mashed roast potatoes steamed broccoli with plated organic grass fed butter added to potatoes.  

Testing out butter to see if it can be a permanent plated fat in my day to day life.  Today I feel great a ton of energy no bloating clear skin.  So butter is back out and being tested. I plan on adding it into my food and cooking over the next three days to see how my body reacts.  I will not have it at every meal but at least once a day to see how I react to just the butter.  I will still use a variety of fats day to day because variety is the spice of life and different fats offer different health benefits and flavors.  
The hot beef left overs were actually really good possibly better the second time around. My 11DS and I polished them off and I’m feeling satisfied happy and full.  My hubby will be home late tonight/early tomorrow and he’s taking me out Tuesday night for dinner.  He called and  asked me out on a date last night.  He’s so cute! He gave me option of kids or no kids and I was a little selfish and chose no kids.  He will be headed out of town again Thursday so I kind of need my face time as we call it.  

NSV omg I bought a ladies large belt today because my new belt is too loose in the fit now.    I haven’t seen the likes of a ladies large in oh so many years!  It is so nice to be able to focus on me what I want out of my food choices and eat those until my stomach and heart is content. No calculating calories, points, carbs whatever.  This feels like what imagined freedom would be.  My 13DS asked if we would ever have our favorite pizza again, I said yes of course we will.  He then perked up and asked “tomorrow?”  I replied with no not tomorrow I already have food planned but we will plan a special night in a month or two with us and movies and video games and our favorite pizza.  He then asked will you eat it? Or are you just doing that for me because I really want to wait and eat it with you.  That boy loves his pizza but he loves his momma more.  I told him when we plan our special night I will definitely partake in the pizza with him.  (Thinking to myself it will need to be when I don’t have to be anywhere the next day cuz that stuff is gonna make me sick I already know it!).   So probably a night in March will be a pizza and game night with my little men. 

8:00 M3 cracklin chicken, steamed carrots and air fryer potato wedges.  


The chicken was decent but a little greasy and salty for my taste.  I’ve never been a big fan of thighs because they are greasier… call me crazy but I love my dry white chicken breast.  But hey they were deeply discounted and it was a little something different. The boys enjoyed dinner and it was nice to only cook one meal.  The baby destroyed the house while I was cooking.  He’s has been lovingly Knick named the Tasmanian devil. He has discovered the possessive pronoun “mine” and he runs around the house collecting all the soft fuzzy blankets yelling Mine Mine while he makes a nest of blankets.  He reminds me of the seagulls on Finding Nemo.   

Now that I have the little one in bed it’s time to do dishes and undo some of his doings.  Sigh a mother’s work is never done.  

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Tuesday 2/25 - butter day 2

Today has been a blur.  I got up and finished the kitchen and got laundry started then we were out the door for a meeting after I fed the boys.  I forgot to feed me, but that is okay because I really wasn’t that hungry.  The meeting was at a coffee shop/bakery.  I didn’t even bother to look at pastries and cupcakes etc or I may have convinced myself to have special treat that I really did not want.  I didn’t even feel compelled to get a tea.  It was a good meeting and somewhat productive.  Baby started getting fussy right when it was suppose to be over, so it gave me an excuse to excuse myself and off we went to handle a few other errands before headed home.  I did tell the boys if they were helpful with baby and on their best behavior I would let them choose a lunch out option today.  So I grabbed them their food of choice.  My 13DS chose cheap little Caesar pizza.  It’s sad when LC starts to smell good and you kind of sort of want to steal a bite.  I told myself if I really wanted it I could have some… I decided I really didn’t want it.  It is not good enough pizza to be worth it.  

I really wasnt very hungry this afternoon either but I did eat a banana and some pistachios must have been around 2pm

My hubby finally made it home.  I was so happy to see him and hug him and plant a big fat wet one on his lips.  He was exhausted and had to immediately build a skate and get it shipped off.  After he was done at the post office he asked where I wanted to go tonight for our date.  I gave him an out as I could tell he was just a shell of himself.  So he picked food for everyone and we had a quiet dinner at home and after I pulled out the Essential oils and gave him a much needed rub down to work out some of the stress knots in his muscles.  

7:30 M1 - grilled shrimp, potato with organic butter and a little sour cream steamed broccoli

We decided to call it a night early after putting baby to bed.  I’m glad we stayed in.  It was nice to be able to snuggle after dinner while watching a show.  

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Sun 3/1 fasting - walk away from the slide


Fasting, gives me a sense of setting things back right.  Giving me space to think, feel, and just be.  Thursday to Saturday is a bit of a blur.  The demands of deadlines and a fuller than usual schedule.

Thursday - I missed breakfast but grabbed an Rxbar and beef stick which I also neglected to eat.  I did however get some good food ready for lunch.  We had Cajun kielbasa potatoes and green beans.  All compliant.  They had Valentines party at tutorial and there was candy and chocolates and cupcakes oh my.  I said no, no thank you, so kind but not now, it was struggle towards the end determining the worth of all that.  Once I got home I had a several deadlines to meet plus a hubby that was trying to get ready for an event this weekend.  Hubby offered to get food and suggested the great little BBQ place down the road.  I said yes. I got the pulled pork sandwich I skipped the bun but not the wedges.  I stopped when I was full, but if I had been level headed I would have grabbed some salad to have with my dinner rather than just meat and potatoes.  My sweet hubby also bought me a cookie, a Christie cookie, I filled up on dinner so saying no was easier. I do love these small little gestures of love that he does for me.   I had a long night of work ahead of me.  I found myself wanting all the foods and a soda but I plugged away and drank some water.

Friday - working all night, stressing out over deadlines, getting hubby out the door.  Snow,  I had to cancel my client meeting.  Then I get a call from hubby.  He made it about 50 miles from home and the transmission on the truck died going up the mountain.  So I had to go meet him at the transmission shop to pick him up and go rent a van and then back to unload the truck.  I found myself eating that cookie from yesterday and two of my chocolate truffles from my students before I realized what I was doing.  No sleep worry stress - not a good combo on me.  I got out the door to go get hubby.  I was hungry and wanting convenience.  Driving home after the hubby got back on the road I had thoughts of all the old things I would have called food.  Then I remembered subway.  So I went there and grabbed a salad… not compliant but it was good and worth it in the moment and better than other things I had considered.  I grabbed a small nap after and got back to work that afternoon.  Still stressed I headed out to pick up food for all the crew as I needed to pick up some milk for the baby.  My 17DS tagged along and it made for some good conversation.  I got home and just had nothing left in me to make food for me.  I ate one piece of the less than pizza my 13DS was eating.  It was okay, but not worthy of a second piece.  I worked and got things ready for our day on Saturday.

Saturday - I felt somewhat better after getting some rest.  I made breakfast first thing even though I didn’t feel like it because I knew that was part of my issue was not eating good food in the morning.  3 eggs scrambled with chili powder and oregano.  Honey crisp apple and almond butter.  Archery tournament and then 1 hour 45 minute drive to the big city to meet with my client.  Grabbed a Zaxby grilled Cobb salad minus the fried onions and bread.  I had about 1/3 pack of the honey mustard.  I ended up being 1.5 hrs late to meet with my client because I had to wait on my parents and their class they were in was running 2 hours late.   So a cup of popcorn and a Swiss roll later I was headed out the door.  Oh goodness I can’t believe I ate those things, just not being mindful.  I finished with my client picked up boys and headed home to pick up 17DS and we decided to go out to dinner.  We went to a place that has a sandwich that I really enjoy.  I went with that, but a salad instead of fries was my compromise.  

Looking back over my food choices and the mindless eating along with the stressors I’ve decided that I need a mini reset.  The good news if any, I did not get horribly sick.  I have a congested nose and some mild bloating, it could have been a lot worse considering all the junk I put in my body.  Another thing I need to focus on is water in take.  I’ve not been drinking enough and proper hydration really helps keep my cravings at bay.  I’m committing to 7 days compliant and  will reevaluate my energy, congestion, craving, gut health, mental clarity and ability after 7 days.  I’m doing this mini reset because I see myself heading toward the slide and I’ll be darned to take that ride.

My friend stopped me at church and commented on my weight loss and asked all the usual questions.  It was a good reminder that I’ve made a lot of progress In my health and food journey.  I’m not perfect and I still have a lot to learn, but I’m better than I was.  I’m healthier and happier than I have been in years.  It’s been a lot of work, and I have more yet to do.  However, anything worth doing is going to be hard and I can do hard things.

It’s been a good day.  I spent the afternoon chilling with my kids and mom waiting for my dad to get off work so we can grind up some venison and make some sausage.

110 Oz of water today! Boom baby!

Weight: 177.4   (-2.6/-29.8)

Chest: 39”  (+.25”-/-2.75”)
Waist: 38.5” (-1.25”/-8”)
Hips: 43.75” (-1.25”/-8”)
Right thigh: 26.75”  (-.75”/-1.75”)
Right calf: 15.5” (-.25”/-.5”)
Right bicep: 12.5”  (-1”/-1.5”)

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3/2 Mini Reset Day 1


6:15 - rise and shine and get the crew out the door.  I got the 13DS lunch packed up (it was going to be my lunch but hey at least I know he’ll be eating god food today.  Rushed out the door without grabbing anything.  Oh well I’ll be fine until I get home at 10am.

10:15 M1 - 3 eggs scrambled with chili powder, oregano salt and pepper cooked in bacon grease.  2.5 pieces of bacon, a clementine. 1 cup hot water with half a lemon.

Baby stole half a piece of bacon and my second clementine but that’s okay because I was full and satisfied.  It felt good to put whole delicious foods in my body.  Reset Day 1 is under way and in full swing.  I cooked up a batch of bacon to have on hand as well as the bacon grease for a cooking fat.  Eggs are so much more palatable when cooked in bacon grease in my oh so humble opinion.  Today will be a hodge podge of compliant foods I can throw on a plate as I’m in desperate need for a full grocery run, but time!  I think we will go to the store after I go pick up 13DS from his class this afternoon.  In the meantime… work! Lots of it.  Oh and get ready for Hubby to come home this evening!!!! 

3:00 S1 - I had an Rxbar and a beef stick on my way to pick up my 13DS from his class.

I got a few things done around the house… not enough thing but isn’t that the way they say it goes.  My poor hubby had his gout flare up toward the latter half of his trip.  He was in so much pain when he got home.  I got his stuff in for him and let him go soak.  I helped him into bed and put his essentials oils on him and got him his meds/supplements.  I was getting ready to head out to go get him a few things and pick up some basic groceries when I was saying good bye he pulled me in and KISSED me… like one of those knock your socks off make your foot pop kisses.  I’m pretty sure it left me a little giddy and dizzy.  Giggle.

Ugh grocery shopping with a baby can be challenging especially when he is teething and wants to eat all the things.  Sometimes you just can’t make them happy so you smile through the ear piercing screams.  Poor little guy.  The flours I picked up for my bathroom made him happy though, so at least the checkout line he was pleasant.  

9:15 M2 -2 eggs seasoned with chili powder oregano s&p cooked in bacon grease, spinach and kale sautéed in bacon grease, 1 piece of bacon and 2 large strawberries.

 groceries in and put away, baby down, decided I should eat and to make something rather quick before I get ready for bed.  It’s been a long day with a lot of driving.  I got some work done, met today’s deadline, finished up some laundry, dishes, and shopping.  So I guess it’s been a good day… I’m so happy to have my hubby home, now to get him better.  I’m pretty certain it’s the lack of water, lack of sleep, and all the additional sugar from the extra sodas he drinks on these trips.  So I get to play nurse for the next couple days.  NSV energy levels are already returning and I’m feeling less congested.  And I think my jeans are beginning to look big like noticeably big.  

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3/5 lots of tears, heartache, helpless, yet still hopeful


Where do I even begin.  Tornados ripped through my hometown the big city an hour west of us that I lived in for 38 years.  The tornado continued on the ground for over an hour destroying so much in its path.  It continued its path north of us to end with its greatest amount of destruction a city 40 min north east of us.  So many people have lost their lives, men woman  and children are still missing.  I have cried so much the past few days.  All of my family: cousins, aunts, uncles are okay with minor damage to property.  Some friends I have not yet heard from, trusting they are okay, I have not seen their names on missing person reports or on the list of the dead.  Some friends have severe damage to homes, while others have lost everything but their lives.  Friends who had a skate shop in the big city found their shop completely leveled.  Multiple schools are all but gone.  My heart aches for those who have lost family and friends, those that have lost homes and business, those that have lost jobs, schools, places or worship.  The damage is extensive and covers well over 100 miles one report said 145 miles. Words fail me, I feel helpless watching as this all continues to unfold.  I’ve been glued to FB watching reports viewing my friends and families stories, having my heart break all over again with every story.  Currently I feel helpless as we sit and wait for emergency teams to do what they are trained to do before we can really get our hands and feet on the ground and begin the overwhelmingly exhausting disheartening job of clean up in order to even begin to rebuild.  In the midst of the helplessness I do feel hopeful.  This could have been so much more devastating had the tornado hit during the day.  The death toll would have been in the hundreds if not thousands with hundreds of children because a lot schools in multiple towns were destroyed.  Where there is life there is Hope.   It will not be easy but we are resilient people and we will rebuild.  This will not be the first time nor the last time we had to rebuild from devastating natural disasters.  

  I forgot in all honesty to journal food the past few days, my mind was preoccupied.  The food I ate Tuesday was compliant except for the 1/2 Tbs Italian dressing I had on my salad at dinner.  There was no olive oil and I was too sad that I just couldn’t eat a sad naked salad.  Wednesday and today are even more of a blur.  I know I made mayo, and deviled eggs, bacon was involved somewhere too.   I found myself eating pretzels and some cookies and I stopped it before I got in over my head.  I had to force myself to ask why and was it worth it and is this what I really want.  That was hard, hard to be present in the moment.  I realized it was the stress of all the other things and feeling that so much right now is out of my control.  Even though I jumped overboard I climb right back in the boat.  I was able to function in compliance yesterday and most of today except that moment after lunch when I had put baby down and jumped on FB.  Normally I would stay off of FB realizing that was a trigger but for some of my friends and family its the only way they can get word out right now, I don’t have regular tv with news channel so FB is my go to for local info from home. During all this I need to practice mindfulness  while I process all the loss my friends and community are experiencing, especially when I’m on social media checking in on those I love.

Prayers for middle Tennessee appreciated!

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3/6  Reset Day 1


I’m back sort of.  I’m going to take one meal at a time.  

10:30 M1 - 3 eggs with chili pepper oregano s&p scrambled in bacon grease with strawberries

12:30 M2 - taco salad with mixed greens and tomatoes topped with some w30 mayo and w30 ketchup

Made ketchup while I was making taco meat for lunch.  I may use some of it to make a BBQ sauce later this weekend.   Condiments are my thing.  I really do enjoy condiments but most are so laden with sugar that I am beginning to realize to keep my sugar dragon at bay I need to be making my own condiments.  The more I do it the less daunting it feels.

8:09 M3 - Turkey BLT roll ups.  compliant deli turkey meat, bacon, lettuce, tomatoes, W30 mayo, brown mustard.

I wasn’t very hungry BUT everyone else’s food smelled so good.  I picked up KFC for the hubs while I was out and then baked pizzas for the kids.  Once everyone was fed and happy I sat down to my meal.  It was good and just the right amount of filling.  I’ve been compliant today.  It wasn’t hard but did require some effort and mindfulness.  I will say the chocolate covered donuts the kids were eating today were somewhat tempting, but not really because they aren’t worth it.  My stomach definitely feels better tonight.  I was in a bit of food hangover with an angry stomach this morning.  I’m bloated and my nose is stuffy from straying the past few days, but I’ll bounce back soon enough.  My brother asked if I got dressed in my husband’s closet.  My clothes are getting to the point where they are noticeably big on me.  Which I have to say is kind of nice and a nice reminder that even though this food freedom thing takes a lot of effort it is so worth the effort.

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@Aelfric thank you for that reminder.  I’ve been trying to stay in the moment and only focus on what I can control today and that is food, my work, my being present for my family.  I’ve had to stay off FB today just to get myself time to reframe and regain some perspective and joy.

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