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BabyBear

Very Hungry Mommy W30 Round 2

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Whole 30 Round 2 Day 1

It felt good to write that out!

Weight: 187.6   (+10.2/-19.6)

Chest:  38.5”  (-.5”-/-3.25”)
Waist:  43” (+4.5”/-3.5”)
Hips:  45” (+1.25”/-6.75”)
Right thigh: 27.5”  (+.75”/-1”)
Right calf: 16” (+.5”/-.0”)
Right bicep: 12.5”  (-0”/-1.5”)

It did not feel so great to write that out.  

March was a hard year! I was doing okay with my food freedom up until just after my birthday when the world shut down. Literally our country started shutting down.  The big skate event that generates a large portion of our income for the year was canceled due to a new virus circulating through the world.  Peoples fears are through the roof, and they asking begging demanding the government to remove our constitutional rights!  It’s mind blowing to say the least and crippling financially.  My income from the work I do is supplemental at best and now it is quickly becoming the main source.  So as the world is shutting down around us I get a call that my grandmothers health had taken a fast quick turn for the worse. She had been slowly fading but this was a quick and fast change.  My parents had already plan to fly up the following week, but there were whispers of flights being grounded.  So with the skate event canceled I gathered up the children and we loaded into the RV with my parents and headed 1,000 miles north (22 hours of driving) to NH.   Just preparing for the trip caused me so much anxiety.  My aunt and uncle assured me the kids would be a welcomed joy.  The packing was hard because I normally fall back on the old adage if I forget it Walmart will have it. Only Walmart May not have it currently.  I had to gather all the food my 11DS with severe food allergies would need.  Plus ensure I had enough almond milk for the baby.  It was chaotic and taxing at best.  Plus there was the knowing and anticipation of the tension that is felt in my grandmothers house. There has always been a lot of bickering and ungratefulness in that household.  It wears on you and affects you.  I did not grow up in a household like that.  My mom did a great job of purposefully creating a non yelling/screaming environment where she taught us to work together rather than against one another and to do everything with a happy grateful heart.  She did such a great job at this that even at a very young age I recognized the difference in our family and the rest of my moms family.  We loved them and loved visiting them but my brother and I always objected spending Christmas Day up in NH with my moms family because we enjoyed our beautiful peaceful happy Christmas at home with no fighting or yelling.  My mom wanted to be called Grammy like her mom and I told her I’d rather her not because she was so much better than a Grammy in my mind… funny thing my oldest couldn’t say Grammy it came out as Yani and stuck.  Another issue of strife at my grandmothers is always food.  They eat sweets and more sweets for meals with some sweets for dessert.  If it’s not sweets then it is mountains of fried seafood, or hot dogs or pizza.  Not a vegetable in sight.  It’s unreal!  And to change the norm is asking for a fight.  I love my family and I enjoy a short visit with them, but this trip did not have a timeline.  We were told by hospice that she may have  a week to two weeks, but her body was definitely giving out.  So I had no idea how long I would be up there.  Going up to visit under all these circumstances was beginning to cause me to shut down.  So much anxiety about it all.  Normally a week long trip of this nature especially for the food issues would take me a week to get ready for.  I had two days to get ready.  I had just bought a weeks worth of groceries so I packed what I could take and prepared the rest for storage.  I frantically did laundry for baby and boys and me.  My sweet hubby is the one that suggested I go in the first place but when he saw the stress it was putting me under he offered to be my escape goat.  He didn’t like the open ended trip not knowing when we would return.  But he said all the right things to help me know what I should do.  I did decide to go.  My folks had wanted to leave at 9am on a Saturday, I didn’t get there until noon.  So I was given some grief about that.  I just told them I did my best with what I had to work with.  Taking all of this into consideration I decided not to stress about food to just go with the flow, but in making that decision I turned off my brain and that was bad. So very very bad.  
On the way through PA we blew a tire.  That was super stressful as it was and in the middle of trying to find help to change the tire we received a call from Uncle about my grandmother. It was not good.  A stroke maybe. They weren’t sure but had a hospice nurse on her way.  She passed out in the bathroom and they had to call neighbors to help get her back into her bed, because they couldn’t get her to come to.  They called back after the hospice nurse arrived and checked her.  It was not a stroke, rather her body was shutting down from the outside in, which means death will soon follow as this is the way with a natural cause.  I knew this from watching my Nana B and Nana leave this world.  The nurse said she would leave her on the oxygen until we arrived but we needed to hurry.  In the meantime we are on the side of a highway with a flat tire, and AAA saying the upgrade my dad did with them when he got the RV last year did not cover RVs.  So we limped two miles down the shoulder to an exit.  Thank God they had a truck stop tire shop.  And everything was closed due to the dumb virus.  The gas attendant knew the tire shop owner and got a hold of him. He was sick but his brother offered to come help.  When we finally arrived at my Grammy’s house my uncle met us at the door as they had another episode with Grammy…. My mom rushed in to help.  I took the boys out to play in the yard and chase chickens.  After about 45 min we were told we could come in.  The house stunk due to the bowel episode that my mom rushed in to help with.  We went in to see my Grammy and she smiled.  She tried to raise her arms motioning she wanted to hold the squirmy wiggly toddler.  I sat him next to her and we sang some songs for her.  The older boys came in and told her about their latest projects with school.  My 13DS told her about the short story he’s writing on snails, and she tried pointing to the bookshelf.  There was my grandfathers gardening book huge and thick. My grandfather had passed away three years ago in this very room.  My mom picked it up and sure enough there was a large section on snails.  My son devoured it as he does with books.  We showed her videos and pictures of the boys doing archery and playing in the yard.  I sat and stroked her hair and told her of life in the country and how wonderful my hubby was to all of us and how I loved her.  The natives were getting hungry.  I offered to make dinner so my mom could sit with her mom.  I kissed Grammys cheek and went to make supper.  The baby was running in and out of her room playing peek a boo and she kept opening one eye to watch him.  My mom was singing old hymns and then picked up my Grammys book on heaven and began to read a chapter about what it would be like to meet Jesus face to face.  My Grammy smiled looked at the baby playing peek a boo and released her last breath.  My uncle and aunt who have lived with my grandparents caring for them for the past 30 years had stepped out to go pick up some things from the store and my dad had gone with them.  When they came home, is when I was made aware Grammy was gone.  I had just finished dinner when they arrived home and mom stepped out into the hallway with tears.  We all knew.  We made it up there and had a few hours with her before she left us. My grandmother had 9 children.  Sadly some of them are very selfish people, and it didn’t take long for them to show their ugliness.  The next morning my uncle got a call from the lawyer saying one of the sisters was there asking for the will, she was not an executor.  My grandparents didn’t have much beyond their house and small acreage.  All of which my uncle had been caring for and was his home for the past 30 years.  My grandparents left the home and land and all that was in the home to him.  They had already dispersed the items they wanted others to have.  Despite this some of the siblings swept in like vultures.  The next day three came with a truck and trailer to the house with a long shopping list.  A week or two before my grandmothers death she had dreamed that vultures were attacking her trying to pick her bones and the vultures wore the names of these children.  It was disturbing and heart breaking at best to see them sitting on her bed where she had died not even 36 hours ago, yet they hadn’t come to visit or care for their mom, whom they lived minutes from them, for close to a year or more.  The funeral was a few days after.  We were told we couldn’t have a visitation for the family because the family was too large (no gatherings of 10 or more). We were allowed to have a graveside service but had to have people spread out and no physical contact.  It made it even harder and awkward.  The bitter ones were able to hide behind the government mandates of distance.  It was awful! It was not what my grandmother deserved.  Many of the family couldn’t make it due to travel restrictions so I did a live video on our family page so that they could “be” with us.    Through all of this I stressed grazed.  I drank sodas, ate cookies, maple round donuts, giant raspberry cream turnovers, I ate and ate and ate.  So much junk.  The only meals that actually had any vegetables with them are the few meals I had brought and prepared.  So when we finally returned home I decided I am in desperate need to do a round 2.  I have a lot of things I need to detox from and I’m hiding from my thoughts and emotions  by grazing on junk.  It stops today.  I made it through an extremely difficult time, and now it is time to heal and reset my life to one that serves me and not my pain.  

Today I start with a fast.  I did not practice my fast the past two Sundays and I need this mentally and spiritually.  I need the reminder that I can deny myself the desires that do not serve me well.  I need the distraction that food provides to come to a halt so that I can focus in on healing, and allow myself to feel all the things as I commune with Jehovah-Rapha the God who heals.  

Exercise and water this round will be high priorities!  I find when I’m doing these two things it makes me want to eat in a manner that benefits my body.  

Today is a new day. Today my journey continues. There is no shame or guilt for the past, only the victory and glory that awaits in the future.

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Day 1 survived!

Today has been good.  Not easy, but good.  It felt good to practice mindfulness as I fed my children and made chocolate no bake cookies for hubby.  It felt good not to feed the cravings.   I had a wonderful time of prayer with a group of friends from church over zoom.  

Water I only got 51oz in but it’s better than I had been.  I struggled the first half of the day as  my thirst detector had been turned off from drinking soda and not enough water.  In the evening after the second tumbler of water for the day my thirst kicked in and I drank two more tumblers of water in the evening.  I nursed a headache most of the afternoon until bed.  I expected this as I was coming off of caffeine.  It feels good to have a sense of control back.

 

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9 hours ago, BabyBear said:

I nursed a headache most of the afternoon until bed.  I expected this as I was coming off of caffeine.  It feels good to have a sense of control back.

I’m so happy for you that you are starting again and making that commitment.  I had one good, compliant meal today, so that is a start.  If I can keep improving my habits this week, I might be able to join you soon!

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Day 2 Boots on the ground

 

6:30 up! Sore! Numb! But ready to start my day.  I slept hard last night.  I fell asleep watching TV with the Hubby and 17DS.  Hubby woke me up and led me to bed and I’m pretty certain I didn’t move a muscle all night.  

7:00 M1 - 3 eggs with chili pepper oregano cooked in bacon grease.  Topped with homemade W30 ketchup.  Accompanied with a side of cantaloupe.

Baby and I had breakfast together.  I enjoyed my food.  And once I was done I did the dishes and put them away.  I feel hopeful. I feel confident. I feel renewed. 

M2 12:45: Hawaiian pineapple chicken with pineapple red bell peppers onion over a bed of salad greens and cauliflower rice.  

My pressure cooker died in the middle of making lunch.  I raised my fist to the heavens and cried “WHY?!?!?”  Then I dumped the food into a pan and fished it on the stove.  Today has been a bit of a train wreck.  Baby has been cranky ALL day.  Pretty certain another molar is coming in.  Getting frustrated over things I cannot control that are the responsibilities of others, but my job greatly depends on them.  So I felt like I was floundering around today because my director waited until 10 min till class to test out the technical platform we were suppose to use for our class.  I had asked her to do that on Tuesday and again on Wednesday.  I don’t mind winging it, but that wasn’t necessary.  My nerves were completely shot by the time class was over.  Now to find customer support for my dearly beloved dead pressure cooker.

S1 3:30 -   granny smith Apple and almond butter 

What I wanted was ice cream or zebra cakes or no bake cookies. I realized this was a stress response and some hunger.  I waited ten minutes and determined yes I had some hunger (I didn’t have a plated fat at lunch) so I had a snack.  It wasn’t protein based but it also wasn’t ice cream so that’s a win.  

I tried to nap but my brain wouldn’t turn off.  Spent some time just sitting and talking with the hubby.  Then I decided to go make mayonnaise. Which I have to brag came out creamy the first time! Go me!  I went on to prepare clarified butter, sriracha sauce, and whole 30 ranch.

M3 8:00 - Pulled pork, baked potato topped with clarified butter W30 ranch and New Primal Golden BBQ sauce. Salad greens with W30 ranch.

I was proud of me!  My wonderful hubby brought home one of my favorite cookies just for me.  I love how he thinks of me when he is out and about running errands.  This cookie was a gift of love and I recognized it for just that. I thanked him for thinking of me.  After dinner when he was getting his cookies out That i had made him he asked if I wanted my cookie.  I told him not at the moment that I was just too full to be able to really enjoy it, which was true.  I will admit for half of a nano second that cookie did sound wonderful and I felt that guilty “you should eat it because he bought it for you” feeling.  However I decided that no I shouldn’t eat it if I don’t want it and right now in this  moment I really do not want it. 

My evening ended snuggled on the couch with hubby watching a movie.  Our 17DS emerged from his cave to watch the movie with us.  My morning was rough, but my evening made up for it.

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I’m happy to see you’re restarting right now! I also have been going haywire with my eating during this stressful time. I hate to blame anything external for my personal choices but with school getting cancelled, my (school) apartment lease getting terminated and moving back home, the cancellation of my graduation ceremony, fear about the economy and finding a job etc I have been using food as a coping mechanism lately. I’m sorry to hear about the stressful situation that you dealt with regarding your family, I can’t imagine the frustration and sadness you’re feeling right now. But look at you getting right back into your healthy habits, way to take control and not let this get you completely off track! I’ll be restarting on April 13 for the worldwide Whole30, but right now I’m back to cooking almost every meal Whole30 which will hopefully make this round easy. I’ve noticed it’s kind of like getting back on a bike, it does come back pretty naturally. 

I hope you & your family are staying healthy and enjoying the quality time together. I look forward to going through this round with you!

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Day 3 I can do this! (At least that’s what I keep telling myself)

 

6:30 up with baby.  He’s in an odd mood, which I contribute to teething.   He decided he wanted to snuggle in bed with us and he actually laid still. So I got about 20 more minutes of down time.

7:15 M1 - 3 eggs chili powder and oregano cooked in bacon grease with some W30 ketchup and a side of blackberries

Now cue the theme music… its time to face Walmart and get some of our weekly basics. 

Holy occupied state Batman, complete with propaganda commercials and guards.  This ain’t my ‘Merica!  Geesh!

After I made it back home with a sliver of my sanity, we put away the groceries and ran outside to enjoy some sunshine.  I bought bubbles while I was out and that was a huge hit with the boys.  The baby was so cute chasing all the bubbles yelling “Mine, mine”. It felt good to be outside playing with the kids.  Sunshine does my soul good.

I got the boys fed at 12:30 and wasn’t really hungry but felt tired so tired mentally and emotionally so I napped while baby napped.  My hubby joined me for the nap.  There is just something about being wrapped up in his arms that makes me feel secure and I drop my guard and sleep.  I had weird dreams… about eating donuts and Oreos (I don’t even like Oreos) it was so weird.  My last round I didn’t get those dreams until much later.  I feel way less bloated  today.  

I got up before baby to start the beef ribs.  Once I got those in the oven I decided to make deviled eggs.  Eat some now and save some for a quick breakfast tomorrow before going into the woods.  

3:30 M2 - 4 eggs deviled 1/2 a banana 

I had tweak the eggs a little… adding more mustard helped. I used avocado oil to make the mayonnaise because I was seeing everyone talk about how good it was. Yuck! Wish I had tasted the oil first.  It tast very acidic to me like there was vinegar added to my mayo.  The oil may have been rancid off the store shelf who knows.  I miss my olive oil store where I could go in and taste the oils and vinegars before buying them.  After tasting and deciding which ones you want, they would fill up a bottle directly from the flask used to taste test.  They had some of the most amazing oils and vinegars.  I realized after shopping there that a lot of the store shelf stuff was old.  

8:09 M3 - beef ribs with a rub of spices and finished with ? bbq sauce.  Baked potato with CB W30 Ranch and BBQ sauce.  Air fried garlic asparagus. Salad greens with the W30 ranch.

This dinner turned out really good!  I rubbed the ribs down with a blend of smoke paprika, chili pepper, salt, cumin, garlic Powder, cayenne, onion powder, and black pepper after I had rubbed them with liquid smoke and olive oil.  I made an aluminum foil “camp bag” and sealed them up in that and placed in the oven at 250 and let them cook undisturbed for 4 hours.  When the sides were done I popped the ribs out painted on some BBQ sauce and put them back in under the broiler until the sauce got sticky.  Even my picky eater enjoyed it.

I cleaned the kitchen up and did the dishes. Huge accomplishment for me after cooking and eating.  Then started packing up for the hunt tomorrow.  We are going out with my dad, and my mom is watching the baby so we decided to go spend the night with them so I don’t have to get baby up at 3am 

 

 

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Day 4 - Alone with my thoughts

 

4:00 am - rise and shine today is opening day of turkey season.   I’m sad the big fund raiser event was canceled but I’m glad to be getting out to the woods anyways. Now to get boys up and get everyone dressed and gear loaded to get to the woods

5:00 M1 - 4 deviled eggs, blackberries

Breakfast was quick and easy.  I had to battle through that “they offered and made it for you it’s rude not to eat it feeling”. My mom got up and made sausage fried ham and cheese biscuits.  I won’t lie they smelled wonderful.  I was tempted for a nano second.  I said no thank you.  She pressed as to why.  I told her I was doing a reset anti-inflammatory foods for immune support.  She threw out a “well you didn’t have problems eating them on our trip”. I explained that I chose to not worry about my food choices on the trip to make life easier on everyone else and prevent my food choices from making people stressed or upset like it was doing now, and my body deeply paid for it.  So now that I’m back in an environment that I have more control over what foods I have access too I’m eating to support my immune system to ensure I can remain as healthy as possible. He response “fine suite yourself” to which I answered in my head I shall and I will.   I would like to say this push back and snippy attitude is because of her grief, but unfortunately this was her attitude when I first did an anti-inflammatory diet 11 years ago to heal my baby boy.  Sadly since then she has joined me in doing inflammatory resets, but still gives me pushback if she is not currently eating this way.  It’s hard, so hard to be eating healthy when the rest of the family circle doesn’t.  Not so much the temptation but the tension it causes.  They reflect back what ever junk they are dealing with personally about their own health and food choices.  I know personally I’m not judging, and every person is in their own space with food.  I’m doing this for me, Im doing my best to ensure it doesn’t inconvenience anyone but me.  Im being thoughtful with my wording and not saying that the unknown food is unhealthy or bad, or even that I’m trying to eat healthy just that I’m avoiding inflammatory foods to help support my immune system as much as possible.  I love my mom dearly and I love to make her happy, and eating her food makes her happy, but this time.. I must oblige me, and not her.  Her response is her own and she is the only one who can change it.  The emotional road to a healthier me is so much harder than the actual physical doing.  Sigh.  Im glad I’m spending the day in my blind in the woods.  

9:30 S1 - clementine and pistachios

I love being in the woods listening in the stillness as the woods awaken.  It is anything but quiet yet it is serene.  The birds are calling and fluttering by the blind.  One even perched in the branches surrounding me.  The bugs and bees buzzing around busy about their spring time duties.  Squirrels and chipmunks scurrying tree to tree half playing half gathering.  I even had two deer walk through this morning grazing as they walked.  It is an eco system all it’s own untouched and unaware that the world is on lock down.  They continue on doing what they were created to do eating, toiling, building, creating, communicating, singing, mating, playing, living and then dying as is their cycle of life.   The past few years our turkeys have been in decline… the wildlife management has been working hard to determine why.  It’s believed to a combination of disease plus increased predators like opossums, raccoons, coyotes and bobcats.  The population in our county seems to be one of the more stable, but we also have more trappers and varmint hunters in our area too.  Disease, predators, injuries, even poisons seem to me to be apart of all living things cycle of life.  All loss of life is tragic no matter the cause, even so some loss of life is necessary for life to be sustained.  We should never take for granted that the plant and animal products we eat came from life.  It’s easy to disconnect from  where you food comes from, and that disconnection can make room for gluttony and wastefulness.  When I harvest an animal for food I always stop and say a prayer of thanksgiving for the life that was sacrificed that    my family might live.  I then do my best to honor that animal by using all that I can of the animal so that there is very little waste.  

11:30 M2 - compliant roast beef rollup with spicy mustard tomatoes and lettuce, and grapes

My lunch was good.  The boys went with my dad to Sonic for lunch.  When he asked what I wanted I told him no thank you I had already eaten my lunch I brought, but I did take him up on a water.  He asked why I didn’t want a soda or anything.  I reminded him I was eating only anti-inflammatory foods.  He respected that, and then said you trying to recover from last week.  Yes dad exactly!  I told him I had been eating this way except for a few occasions including my birthday before our trip, but I realized that when I’m eating like this and mom isn’t it causes a lot of tension between us and given the nature of the trip I had decided not to worry about it and just do the best with what I had without upsetting mom.  But that it really took its toll on me and after a few days in I was stuffing all things in my face and couldn’t really stop it.  So now that we are back home I’m back on the strict elimination for the month  to give my body the chance to reset and heal, along with the emotional garbage that goes along with that.  He looked me square in the eyes and said thank you! Thank you for doing that for your mom I know that probably wasn’t an easy decision and that it’s a lot work to get back the control.  That was helpful.  He gets it!  I think he’s also relieved to see me making changes and hopefully avoiding several of the health issues he has including Diabetes.  

2:30 S2 - chomp stick and carrots 

Ha I’ve been wordy today.  Time to think does that to me.  It feels good to have time to process thoughts and feelings.  I have so many whirling around inside of me at any given time.   Too many to put in my jar on the shelf, they cannot all be contained and it makes this craziness so much harder.

8:30 M3 - LO Hawaiian Chicken with caulirice. Banana cut up 3 strawberries cut up sprinkles with cinnamon and coconut flakes and drizzled with almond butter.

I was hungry when I got home. I got boys settled and food started and my 11DS offered to take over making food so I could shower. I enjoyed my food and my shower.  I spent the remainder of my night on the couch with Hubby watching his video game play and pointing out the bad guys for long shots.  Lol I shoot the real guns and he shoots the video game guns and together we make a formidable pair.  

 

 

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@lizziehall I am so so so very sorry to hear about graduation being canceled.  That is awful.  So many big milestone events once in a life Time things have been wrongfully ripped from so many.  

Doing a whole 30 seemed fitting during this time of unknown.  Food at home is something I can control and so I will.  This week we have made some favorites from last round and looking forward to trying new recipes.  One of those is definitely going to be 40 Aprons bang bang shrimp.

i too am glad to see you and some of my other Whole 30 pals back along for this journey.  Y’all are like my wolf pack.  We ride together, We survive together!  

 

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Day 5 Slaying Dragons and Demons

 

5:45 up with baby, change him and bottle him and he asked to go back to bed.  So I put him back to bed and did the same for me.

8:30 up with baby.  Get everyone fed

9:00 M1 - LO Hawaiian Chicken and cauliflower rice with CB

Dishes done.  Taking boys to the little playground that no one uses anymore because of the big Park.  We spent about an hour at the park climbing and sliding and playing basket ball and frisbee.  I may need to put out door wheels on my skate and go skate the basketball court.  I NEED to skate! It’s really starting to take a toll on my sanity and my husband’s. It’s how we cope and how we process the dark yucky stuff out that gets trapped in side.  It’s getting harder to out run the demons without my skates.

The sunshine did us all some good.  Went home for lunch.  I was hungry

1:15 M2 - 3 eggs with Italian seasoning cooked in bacon grease topped with a little W30 ketchup, home made pork sausage patty, left over asparagus drizzled with CB, home fries with CB.  

This meal was so good.  I haven’t had any luck finding sugar free sausage in my area so I picked up some ground pork and used my own using 40 Aprons recipe.  It was delicious!  I used 1lb to make 4 patties, and I crumbled 1 lb to use in egg cups.  I used up the rest of the asparagus and added a tomato and some red bell peppers to the egg cups.  The cups turned out great using the silicone cups.  

I’m trying to stay positive.  This day has been hard.  Sunday’s have been the hardest lately.  I noticed my sugar dragon is roaring.  I think it’s because if I’m not skating then snacking is my coping mechanism.  I need to find another way to cope.  I watched a movie with my boys.  And even laid down for 30 minutes before baby got up.  

8:00 M3 - W30 Beef stroganoff  with butternut squash noodles.

Yum! This dish is so rich and amazing and really hit the comfort spot.  Plus the boys love it and scarf it down.  

I got a call from a client and ended talking with them for well over an hour about ideas to help them with their 10th grade sons education for the rest of the year.  A lot of the public schools around us have not done anything to provide any further schooling or even direction for finishing out the year, while most of the private schools have managed to adapt and have provided resources and direction to parents to help in the crisis schooling situation.  It was refreshing to talk with parents who genuinely wanted to do things with and for the kids but just didn’t know where to start.  

Hubby and I watched a movie before calling it a night.  I had a handful of grapes before the movie to avoid eating cookies with the hubby.

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Day 6 A horrible terrible no good very bad day

 

6:45 up with baby.  Getting my day started.  

7:15 M1 Egg cups with sausage asparagus tomatoes and red bell pepper.  A little of the new primal BBQ sauce.

Took care of some work, got 13DS set for his online class meeting.  Folded two loads of laundry and played outside with the boys.

12:30 M2 - LO stroganoff and butternut squash 

I’m struggling today.  Not necessarily with food but with keeping my emotions in check.  It’s been unusually hard today which most likely means I need to slow down to deal with things.  Problem is I can’t find solutions I can’t fix any of the things that have me so distraught.  I laid down after I put baby down for a nap and just cried.  I don’t cry, but lately that’s all I can do.  My brain is yelling at me that if I just have a Sundrop or a pop tart or a corn dog or a snack cake or a donut or… the list goes on and on… I don’t even like those things well except the sundrop.  I don’t want them but my brain is angry because I won’t listen which makes this so much harder.  My husband hugged me and gave me some comforting words… “we just have to worry about us today.  We do what we can with what we got, we can’t save the world today. “. So I’m going to do my best to focus on us today and do what I can.  I can eat well! I can engage with my kids! I can be my husband’s companion! I can take care of me! 

I was headed out the door around 5pm with baby and dead pressure cooker to take to my brother so he could attempt a repair and the cat try to get out with him us.  In my attempt to keep the cat inside and baby on his feet I dropped the PC and pieces went flying everywhere.  Ugh! I’m done! If anyone needs me I’ll be in bed crying in my pillow!

 

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Day 7 a better day 

 

6:55 I woke up on my own this morning.  I went ahead and got my breakfast going before baby gets up.  I’m going to get to the store around 8am when they open.  

7:15 M1 LO egg cups (w/ sausage asparagus reb bell peppers and tomatoes) LO sausage patty, handful of baby carrots, w30 ranch and w30 ketchup

Breakfast was good and I was hungry!  Most likely because I didn’t eat dinner last night I was just too upset.  The big boys fed themselves and the baby and allowed me some decompress times.  When my hubby got home he put on a movie he knew I would enjoy in our room and then crawled into bed with me and just held me.  I cried some more and enjoyed the movie and cried over the movie.  I think my last words to him before I fell asleep was “Tomorrow is another day!”    
I feel better today, more like stable me and less like I’m loosing my mind me.  I’ve been able to think, my mind is less cloudy with all the what if’s.  I’m going to use my oils blend for focus and for motivation today and see if I’m able to get some things done.

Grocery shopping done and picked up Hardee’s biscuit for hubby.  I was back home before 10:00 - WIN!  Plus they had prime rib half off so I scooped up one of those for Easter dinner/hubby birthday!  

Hubby offered to rub my back so I complied and laid down for half hour.  I didn’t realize how many knots I had acquired.  I’m so thankful for him and his tenderness toward me.

1:30 M2 - egg roll in a bowl with a sriracha mayonnaise sauce.  From 40aprons.com

https://40aprons.com/whole30-egg-roll-bowl-paleo/

Where has this been all my life.  OMG if you haven’t tried this it is so worth it.  I also made the sriracha sauce from the recipe from her site , so many possibilities for this simple condiment.

After lunch the boys and I went to the dump and then stopped to play at the little playground over there.  The sky is threatening rain but the clouds held back for us to play for an hour.  

Agh! I put baby down for a nap but he kept finding excuses to be up because daddy was working around the house pulling inventory to take pics to list for sale.  So I finally gave in and let him run around and “help”. When daddy heads to post office we will try again.

Got the dishes done and laundry rebooted.  Trying for the second time to put baby down.  I think I shall bless my house with  some house work for an hour and then I will do something fun perhaps I will read.

7:30 M3 - grilled shrimp, baked potato with clarified butter and steamed broccoli 

Well I didn’t get much reading done before baby and dinner but I did get my kitchen clean and even scrubbed down hubby’s work area where he builds skates and dyes wheels.  It looks great.  

Today has definitely been a better day.  Trying to be positive and keeping a proper perspective . 
  

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Day 8  Um my body is being “weirder” than usual 

7:30 awake to potty back to bed to snuggle until baby gets up.  

8:00 up with baby.  Time to get the day moving.   Reboot laundry. Get baby fed and then me.  

TMI: last night I felt weird, female parts weird.  It wasn’t cramping per say more link a twinge.  I was surprised to find I was spotting.  It’s almost a week early for that TOM.  I don’t dare say what flooded through my head out loud.  My body did this with the Baby.  It may just be stress, or it could be…. I guess time will tell.  Not that these days could possibly get any longer.  Now I have THIS lingering in the back of my mind. 

Okay I better unpack this now or I will absolutely struggle with wanting to eat all the things. PREGNANT that is the word running through my mind.  I am not breathing that to another soul not even my hubby until I know for certain. This makes a part of me want  to leap for joy, to get to have one more! To have a sibling closer in age for the baby to grow up with.  I have been asking God to remove this desire from my heart for the past year if it is not meant to be.  The other part of me is terrified.  The world is up ended, we just had to pull some money out of savings to ensure we can make ends meet for another few months.  My husband isn’t sure he wants anymore he’s worried about being 47 and having a baby.  Not to mention money and space and all the crazy in the world.  I know all those things have a way of working themselves out.  So I will ponder all these things in my heart as I wait to see what my body is telling me.

10:00 -M1 2 LO egg cups (sausage, asparagus, tomatoes, red bells) a sausage patty, handful of raspberries and a some pistachios.  

I decided to do my face today so that I look a little more human.  So I got to my breakfast a little later.  Breakfast was good even for leftovers.  I love my air fryer my hubby bought me for our anniversary it definitely makes reheated leftovers palatable.  Ha even my super picky 13DS will eat left over pizza reheated in the air fryer.   
TMI- I have had some very light cramping… if this is my TOM then that is awesome because it normally knocks me on my butt hard.  I’m a tough gal.  I have a high threshold for pain, I have birthed three big boys naturally with no meds, hiked the Rocky Mountains barefoot, also I can take a full contact punch from a larger opponent to get the upper hand and take them down hard (martial arts).  But the TOM darn near sends me into shock the first couple days.  It’s intense.  I’m not experiencing that this time, which adds to the wondering.  Okay I need to work today, hopefully that will occupy my mind for a while.  

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Day 8 cont

 

Ugh I can’t focus!  I’ve just been spinning my wheels.  I did get a load of laundry folded and my bathroom trash changed out.  I got lunch for the boys done.  I should eat… I don’t feel like eating, but I could totally smash a donut in my face… so I should eat.  

1:00 M2 - LO Hawaiian Chicken with broccoli and butternut squash noodles.

I’m obviously distraught and distracted.  My hubby grabbed me and hugged me and then asked what was running through my head.  How he reads my mind I don’t know.  I told him what was going on in my head.  He hugged me and said how soon before you could know for sure.  A week.  He then asked if we still had all the other baby stuff or if I had gotten rid of any.  I still have all the expensive stuff diapers bassinet etc.  He said okay so we are set, don’t worry about it and don’t get rid of any baby stuff this week just in case.  Gosh he handles things so much better than I do.  We worked on some of his work area together clearing and cleaning.  He wouldn’t let me lift anything heavy *insert eye roll*

6:30 M3 - LO egg roll in a bowl with sriracha mayo drizzled on top.  Yum!

I made a big pot of Mac and cheese for the baby and the older boys.  Left overs will be portioned out for easy meals later this week.  My 11DS with the allergies helped me raid through the left overs for dinner.  Yeah so I totally skipped over the fact that I made Mac and cheese for the boys and did not even taste it.  Now that I brought the subject back up Someone should put a gold star on my chart.  I also made some jello cups for the boys to have throughout the week.  After feeding the boys and myself I got dishes done and laundry folded.  Hubby and I watched some TV to finish off our night.  

Some NSV 
    - My energy is returning 
    - I’m being more attentive to my food choices
    - Practicing mindfulness is getting more natural
    - I’m very aware of my cravings this round but working through the whys rather than trying to will power my way through 
    - My bloating is gone
    - Digestion is improving and my intestines are no longer angry with me. 
    - Sleeping deeper and sounder

- waking up easier 

- I’m being kinder to me

- water intake has increased. (I actually hit my goal of 100oz today) thirst has made a come back 

- no breakouts despite all the stress and craziness 

- I’m feeling confident and in control of me and my food choices
    

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Day 9 A better day

 

7:00 up with baby.  He decided he wanted to cuddle in bed with daddy so I took advantage of the time and put some paint on the barn. My make up looks pretty god today.  Fed baby and prepared to go to the store

7:50 grabbed a banana on my way out the door.  Walmart milk run for baby and pick up some gifts for boys to put in the basket for Easter. Seeing as we aren’t doing our big family Easter get together I also picked up some plastic eggs and candy.  As well as supplies to make sugar cookies to decorate on Easter.  

I fed the boys and then made a mess in my kitchen prepping some sauces and mayo, then I said heck why not and made some shrimp.

2:15 M1 - bang bang shrimp, coleslaw and roasted veggies


The bang bang shrimp by 40 Aprons was amazing.  The link is 
https://40aprons.com/whole30-bang-bang-shrimp-paleo/

The coleslaw I used this recipe and it was soooo good, I also added a little splash of coconut aminos.  
https://www.hotpankitchen.com/healthy-coleslaw-dressing/

It helps that I finally found “my” oil for making mayonnaise.  I have used several different oils looking for the right oil for the taste that speaks to me.  
-Olive oil: “Barf”
-Avocado Oil: “Bleck”
-light tasting olive oil: “Meh”
-Safflower Oil: “Yasssss”

So now that I have a beautiful tasting mayonnaise base I feel like the possibilities are endless.  

AND.. I look up to see that I used E.V.E.R.Y. Dish in my house lol.  I Enlisted my 13DS to come help me with the dishes.  I washed he dried and we talked comic books and Good Friday and other things that came to mind.  My kitchen is now clean, my belly is full, my tastebuds satisfied.  Time to get some work done.  Baby will be getting up soon.

This day has moved by unnoticed in slow motion.  I got somethings done but not enough.  I met online with several friends from church to pray together it was nice to connect with them.  

I just wasn’t hungry tonight.  I’m forcing myself to function and try to stay positive.  The looming uncertainty of so much hanging in the balance presses in on me.  

I want ice cream, not really (but really)  I just want something tasty, light not filling, something to lighten my mood.  So much wrong with that statement instead of ice cream I chose a snack of compliant ingredients

10:30 S2 - banana slices 2 strawberries cut up. Sprinkle of cinnamon and coconut flakes and drizzled with almond butter 

Im grateful I did a whole 30 in January, which empowered me to realize I needed to do one this month.  I most likely would be completely out of control if it wasn’t for my whole 30 keeping me grounded and aware.  

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8 hours ago, Brewer5 said:

That's a whole lot of good things stacking up for you ~ congrats!  :) 

Yes it is! But I couldn’t see it until I journaled it, and then I was like wow go me.  I prayed for you and your MIL during my morning prayers today.  Have a blessed day friend!

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Day 10 - Staying alive, staying alive

7:00 up awake and pondering my day for five minutes before the baby alarm went off.

8:15 M1 - breakfast LO egg cups with asparagus tomato and red bells and sausage. A sausage patty, home fries and handful of black berries.  

Helped a friend who has lost both her jobs get her taxes done over the phone.  I’m so proud of her trying to stay optimistic and do what she can during this time.  She’s been applying for unemployment for the past two weeks and still no word.  It’s mind boggling just how broken everything is right now

12:45 M2 salad topped with LO roasted veggies and bang bang shrimp.  With bang bang sauce for dressing.

Lunch was good minus the slimy zucchini.  I will not buy frozen veggie mix with zucchini and squash again because I just don’t like how slimy they get.  Bleck. 

Baby went down for a nap and so did I.  When I got up I got to work on preparations for this weekends celebration.  I got so wrapped up in making the cake and color flow topping for hubby birthday I forgot to eat.  But honestly I wasn’t hungry.  Hubby got pizza for everyone and also food for our boy who can’t have normal pizza so the house smelled of pizza and cake. That should be a candle scent im just saying!  

TMI: my flow has been extraordinarily light and sometime after lunch it has stopped all together.  If things don’t get going again I may test next weekend just to know for certain.  This is just mind boggling.  But hey if three light days with no cramps is my new normal I’ll take it.  

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