MadyVanilla

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@KelseyClaire - I feel for you.  I work for the school system and while I want nothing more than to be back in school, the hybrid option we were considering just seemed like such a logistical nightmare.  And as you referenced, there is such a high probability of going back to full virtual from hybrid...I'm glad we are going to concentrate on doing virtual well.  I hope it works out for your district.  

Another good day yesterday.  I ended up ordering a Chipotle Whole 30 bowl for lunch and cooking the chicken for dinner.  Chipotle is so filling...I wasn't hungry for dinner, but still ate a little chicken.  Again, I didn't make the extra effort to get the exercise in, I had a contingency plan but didn't put it into play.  I'm not feeling avoidant, though, I'm feeling like I can float through these next few days on the way to August 1.  So, I'm not beating myself up about it.  This is progress for me.  

Mood-7, Energy-7, Pain-0

M1-I'm still not hungry this morning.  I'm sipping on black iced coffee.  I'll probably just eat lunch early.  

M2-Leftover chicken mixed with homemade mayo.  Cucumber slices

M3-Grilled pork and probably summer squash

I have thoughts of exercise in the back of my mind, but not going to force it today.  I might be able to get that long yoga session in, though.  

 

 

 

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Big restart tomorrow as I've puttered along this week.  I definitely feel like I've gotten myself back on track for the most part - I'm in a much better place than I was earlier in the week.  

I took the dog for a 5-mile hike yesterday in the cooler woods and it was absolutely lovely!  I also did an hour yin yoga session - perfect.  I have a quick, overnight trip tonight for baseball, but I have groceries and meal plans ready to start anew  tomorrow!    

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It's amazing how quickly things fall apart, lol.  My son moved out yesterday - I'm officially an empty-nester.  I've known this was going to happen for a month but it was as if I wasn't prepared.  I went over to help vacuum and clean...and that was that.  Ugh.  This is hard.  And I felt that only a Dairy Queen blizzard could drown the emotions bubbling up from deep down.  I felt so awful afterward, my stomach bloated to three times it's normal size and ACHED.  I know I should have called a friend (well, I did, but didn't get into details about the day) but I did not want to deal with the feelings.  I didn't want to cry.  I should have gone for a walk.  But I just wanted to wallow.  And so I did.  Miserably so, with my knotted up tummy.  It hurt so much I couldn't even do yoga once I came to my senses and thought I should attempt healthier outlets.  I took a bath and watched a movie.  That helped.  

I think part of my issue is feeling so alone in all this - my husband grilled himself a steak and proceeded to get drunk like he does so many other nights.  He spent a good portion of the day at our son's new place, installing venetian blinds etc.  He fancies himself as the cool dad, and I think he might be buying beer for these 18/19 year olds, which of course I do not agree with.  This empty-nest thing is not going to be easy.  

All this means is that the house is now free of most junk foods.  I can truly focus on myself.  While I'm still feeling a little down this morning, it helps to come here to read and write.  

Restart Day 1 

Mood-4, Energy, 5, Pain -5 in my shoulder.  My knees feel fine.  I cannot walk the dog right now, though - she's trained to walk on my left and jerked that arm chasing a squirrel the other day.  This shoulder was already hurting due to push-ups.  I need to give it some time to heal.  I'm going to go out for a walk by myself later today.  

M1-A hamburger patty.  I was tottering on the edge of making poor choices for today...the hamburgers were in the fridge and so no prep was required.  I'm glad now that's what I ate, because I'm feeling better about having a compliant day.  

M2-chicken salad with salted cucumber slices

M3-chicken Caesar salad with Primal Kitchen dressing.  

My goals for August:

  1. 30 days of yoga, even if it's just a few minutes.  
  2. 8,000 steps, 3 times a week, increase by one day each week up to 5x/week.  If I hit 8,000, I usually get more than that, but I've been slacking the past two weeks.  I should note that it has been nearly a year since I tore up my knee (with pre-existing arthritis) such that I had to do physical therapy and rarely got over 2,000 steps/day.  It has been a very long road to get to the point to where I can tolerate a 3+ mile hike (mostly accomplished during quarantine).
  3. 2 days per week in the gym, doing barbell work.  I've been leery to return - tomorrow is the day.   
  4.  Work the C25k program  - I'm looking at doing a virtual 5K on October 17th.  I've put it on my calendar to sign-up for it next Monday.  
  5.  Get on a schedule for meal planning and grocery shopping - Saturday mornings are typically best for me to do this, but I've been off schedule for weeks.  

My reward:  a pair of Rothy's shoes.  I've been looking at them for ages, but they are kind of expensive.  A worthy and desired carrot for meeting my goals.

 

 

 

 

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Did 10 minutes of yoga last night, didn't reach my step goal or hit any of the other ones, but I still have a lot of week left.  Still planning to make my first foray to the gym this afternoon.  

M1-leftovers

M2-chicken ceasar salad

M3-probably chicken ceasar again

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22 hours ago, MadyVanilla said:

It's amazing how quickly things fall apart, lol.  My son moved out yesterday - I'm officially an empty-nester.  I've known this was going to happen for a month but it was as if I wasn't prepared.  I went over to help vacuum and clean...and that was that.  Ugh.  This is hard.  And I felt that only a Dairy Queen blizzard could drown the emotions bubbling up from deep down.  I felt so awful afterward, my stomach bloated to three times it's normal size and ACHED.  I know I should have called a friend (well, I did, but didn't get into details about the day) but I did not want to deal with the feelings.  I didn't want to cry.  I should have gone for a walk.  But I just wanted to wallow.  And so I did.  Miserably so, with my knotted up tummy.  It hurt so much I couldn't even do yoga once I came to my senses and thought I should attempt healthier outlets.  I took a bath and watched a movie.  That helped.  

I think part of my issue is feeling so alone in all this - my husband grilled himself a steak and proceeded to get drunk like he does so many other nights.  He spent a good portion of the day at our son's new place, installing venetian blinds etc.  He fancies himself as the cool dad, and I think he might be buying beer for these 18/19 year olds, which of course I do not agree with.  This empty-nest thing is not going to be easy.  

All this means is that the house is now free of most junk foods.  I can truly focus on myself.  While I'm still feeling a little down this morning, it helps to come here to read and write.  

Restart Day 1 

Mood-4, Energy, 5, Pain -5 in my shoulder.  My knees feel fine.  I cannot walk the dog right now, though - she's trained to walk on my left and jerked that arm chasing a squirrel the other day.  This shoulder was already hurting due to push-ups.  I need to give it some time to heal.  I'm going to go out for a walk by myself later today.  

M1-A hamburger patty.  I was tottering on the edge of making poor choices for today...the hamburgers were in the fridge and so no prep was required.  I'm glad now that's what I ate, because I'm feeling better about having a compliant day.  

M2-chicken salad with salted cucumber slices

M3-chicken Caesar salad with Primal Kitchen dressing.  

My goals for August:

  1. 30 days of yoga, even if it's just a few minutes.  
  2. 8,000 steps, 3 times a week, increase by one day each week up to 5x/week.  If I hit 8,000, I usually get more than that, but I've been slacking the past two weeks.  I should note that it has been nearly a year since I tore up my knee (with pre-existing arthritis) such that I had to do physical therapy and rarely got over 2,000 steps/day.  It has been a very long road to get to the point to where I can tolerate a 3+ mile hike (mostly accomplished during quarantine).
  3. 2 days per week in the gym, doing barbell work.  I've been leery to return - tomorrow is the day.   
  4.  Work the C25k program  - I'm looking at doing a virtual 5K on October 17th.  I've put it on my calendar to sign-up for it next Monday.  
  5.  Get on a schedule for meal planning and grocery shopping - Saturday mornings are typically best for me to do this, but I've been off schedule for weeks.  

My reward:  a pair of Rothy's shoes.  I've been looking at them for ages, but they are kind of expensive.  A worthy and desired carrot for meeting my goals.

 

 

 

 

I can totally relate to the emotional eating. It's such a stupid habit tbh but so hard to kick :(

Your goals are good and I wish you success! :)

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On 8/3/2020 at 12:23 PM, MadyVanilla said:

I think part of my issue is feeling so alone in all this - my husband grilled himself a steak and proceeded to get drunk like he does so many other nights.  He spent a good portion of the day at our son's new place, installing venetian blinds etc.  He fancies himself as the cool dad, and I think he might be buying beer for these 18/19 year olds, which of course I do not agree with.  This empty-nest thing is not going to be easy.  

 

Mady the reality is that you are not alone.  There is a whole world filled with women walking in the same shoes as you, and all wishing for new shoes too I'll bet ;-) .   I know it isn't easy, especially with all the isolation that is going on right now, to call up a friend or go visit someone, just to get yourself through this.  But you must.  Just a quick call to someone who is lonely too.  It works for me.  You will feel better.

(((hugs)))

 

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You know, even if we know well in advance that a big change is going to happen, those big changes can still be disorienting in ways that feel really surprising. Your son has moved out. The dynamic in your home is evolving. That's significant.

Your self-awareness here sounds so wise. I hope you can be extra tender and patient with yourself this week. Keep putting words to your experience, and if you are up for it, signal to a friend that you could use a check-in. You are worth all of these things.  ((Virtual hugs from your W30 friends))

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@Semi, @ShadowInTheKitchen, and @Contessa - thank you for your kind, supportive words.  I actually cried a little reading them.  I think I do need a good cry!  :lol:  

I will get through this, of course.  And I can do this without completely derailing the progress I've made.  I'm worried that I'm going to fall back into spending my days gorging on a dozen Dunkin Donuts, followed by some sort of meal from McDonald's, and on and on everyday.  And I've had days close to this, feeling about to tip over that edge, during the last two weeks.  But it's ok, because for every non-compliant day I've had, I've gathered myself up and returned to what I know helps me.  At the same time, I'm getting tired with myself, repeating the same pattern, making the same statements in my journal entries, but not getting fully back on track and moving forward.  I have to remember that this is success - in the past, I've fallen off, given up, and not attempted to return to healthy habits until months, or even years, later.  So, let me just remember that I have had more calm, easy days over the last two months than I've had tough ones and let me be gentle with myself as I work through this holding pattern.  

Yesterday was a non-compliant but not an overeating day.  I live in the path of Tropical Storm Isiasis, and it was a bit of a tense time with lots of tornado warnings occurring and having both of my kids on opposite ends of town.  I did not get to the gym - the electricity was out after the storm had calmed.  It probably wasn't a good day to pick to start back anyway, lol!  I did 20 minutes of yoga last night, did not hit other goals, but again, I still have lots of week left.  

Mood-7, Energy-6, Pain-2.  Shoulder is improving, knees not an issue.

M1-3 eggs cooked in olive oil, topped with homemade mayo.  

M2-Leftover ceasar salad with chicken

M3-Chicken with one of the Primal Kitchen sauces I have in the cabinet.  Sauteed zucchini

 

I've made my schedule for today, which includes exercise and yoga.  I feel bolstered and ready to tackle the day.  

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50 minutes ago, MadyVanilla said:

...But it's ok, because for every non-compliant day I've had, I've gathered myself up and returned to what I know helps me.  At the same time, I'm getting tired with myself, repeating the same pattern, making the same statements in my journal entries, but not getting fully back on track and moving forward.  I have to remember that this is success - in the past, I've fallen off, given up, and not attempted to return to healthy habits until months, or even years, later.  So, let me just remember that I have had more calm, easy days over the last two months than I've had tough ones and let me be gentle with myself as I work through this holding pattern. 

I don't know what this says about where I am today, but I literally lifted a fist in the air and shouted "YES!" when I read this.  :D Good thing I live alone and was not browsing the internet at a public library. So many important reflections in this paragraph!

My therapist (a woman who should truly be inducted into sainthood) says that part of powerful behavior changes involves getting really sick of our own crap. We have to get sick of our own excuses and our own patterns before we're ready to shift. We have to stop buying what the old, outmoded version of us is trying to sell. I'm delighted by the sense of irritated boredom I hear in that paragraph.

Speaking personally, my growth area isn't in picking ever more healthy foods to eat every day ("by the end of her life, she ate only pine cones and grass clippings! She was sooooo healthy!"). My growth area is emotional and mental.... noticing the compulsions when they come up, and reflexively turning inward with compassion instead of outward with a grasping hand. This is not about Cheez-Its, it's about exquisite internal kindness.

For me, exquisite kindness is wholly incompatible with bingey behavior. They just don't go together.

And of course, exquisite kindness is also the work of a lifetime. Practice, even when it's halting, is progress.

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@MadyVanilla @Contessa your reflections wow me.  You both can express so well some of the same things I am going through.  I just caught myself thinking, "OMG I am going to soo miss this input when these peeps reach their goals and stop posting."

But I want you to succeed.  Like Contessa, I cheered (not out loud though LOL) when I read about your holding pattern @MadyVanilla, and I totally get this too.  It's probably going to be a very long process, but so much better than binging.  And so what if you miss your goals target for the day or the week?  It's still better than not having a target at all and not getting any good meals or any workouts done, but I know that you know this, it just feels good to write it out.  I know I'm in this for the long haul, even though I hope not, but I think it's my reality.  There could be worse things imo.

I wonder, if keeping food logs and journaling with daily reflections were to be something that you do every day for the rest of your life, like laundry, cooking healthy foods or brushing your teeth, would that be so bad?  I'm pretty sure that junk food processors would not want us to do this.  Besides, I kinda like journaling. What about you?

5 hours ago, Contessa said:

"by the end of her life, she ate only pine cones and grass clippings! She was sooooo healthy!")

OK I did laugh out loud when I read this.  Thanks for the chuckle today :)

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@Contessa and @ShadowInTheKitchen  I really feel like we are on the same path, in different places on that path, but the same path nonetheless.  We are cheering for each other, I love it!!!  I so appreciate knowing that others know exactly what I mean, because you are absolutely correct, Shadow, journaling is awesome and I'm finding my way this time around because I'm being faithful to this process.  

Contessa, I can reallly buy into what your therapist says about getting sick of our own excuses and patterns.  I actively find myself saying, "stop making excuses and own your choices!" frequently these days.  That shift in mindset doesn't mean I"m always making the right choices (clearly) but it is a coin in my bank of self-kindness.  This IS practice, it's how anyone gets better at anything.  I'm engaging in self-awareness/healthy lifestyle practice.   Yes!!! 

I used to think it was hokey pseudo-psychology, the idea of forgiving yourself.  That mantra can be found in every self-help manual, podcast, talk show.  But I really think it is the key - finding it within ourselves to be forgiving of our poor, conscious choices and moving on.  I'm not there yet, but I am beginning to see the way.  It IS better to at least make a goal, to be mildly engaged in this process even if I can't find the energy to actively engage.  That is wisdom, Shadow.  

If nothing else, the pandemic has given me the time I need to process the whys and hows.  

 

23 hours ago, Contessa said:

she ate only pine cones and grass clippings! She was sooooo healthy!")

I also laughed out loud at this!!  The mental image, a hilarious reality check...I love spending time in the woods, but I do not plan to spend the next half of my life foraging for tree bark!  

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First trip to the gym yesterday - yay!  It was very quiet, and I did feel safe.  The few that were there were respectful of distance.  I will be comfortable going back.  I walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes, though I had planned to do the first C25K module.  I got confused and thought the app wasn't working correctly, but it was just me.  I also did 3 sets of deadlifts.  It felt so good to get back in with the barbell.  From there I went to the blood bank to donate...that was a fiasco.  I am a regular donor, but this time, there were issues with the needle stick (a new phlebotomist) and then feeling lightheaded, nauseous, and like I was going to faint.  So my excuse for my lackluster dinner was that I needed to rest and relax.  But overall, it was a decent day.  

Today, I'm feeling really good.  Mood-8, Energy-8, Pain-2, still the shoulder.  It takes soo long for my body to heal as I approach 50!  

I met my yoga goal for the day.  Half way there on the gym goal.  I still have not attained 8,000 steps, though close yesterday.  I think I will modify that to 2 times this week, up to 3 next week, and so on.  

M1-Not hungry, have only had black coffee.  Will likely have an early lunch.  

M2-tacos would be awesome.  I think I'll order a Chipotle lifestyle bowl.  

M3-Last night's planned chicken dish.  

Still in the holding pattern, but it's ok.  I came across a quote on social media this morning that really resonates with me right now:  "If you quit now, you'll end up right back where you first began.  And when you first began, you were desperate to be right where you are now."  TRUTH.  

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20 minutes ago, MadyVanilla said:

"If you quit now, you'll end up right back where you first began.  And when you first began, you were desperate to be right where you are now."   

Holy cow, I love this! So true.

I'm glad you got to get to the gym. My old gym, which I miss terribly, does only group workouts..... workouts in which attendees are packed cheek to jowl for an hour at a time (Orange Theory Fitness). They have recently thinned out classes so people aren't packed in like sardines, but I'm still very jittery about being in a small space with many people breathing heavily.

Thinking about maybe switching to a nearby Mega Giant Chain gym that has heaps of treadmills, free weights, etc.

....Were people in your gym wearing a mask? Is that a thing that happens? I'm getting a bit listless with my extremely boring stretch/walk routines here, but I'm also trying to avoid this virus for as long as possible.

I hope today is a great day for you!

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I'm at a big multi-purpose gym that has a huge free weight area with lots of space to do whatever my heart desires...!  Pre-Covid, the place was often crowded and it was hard to find a little niche to be in, so I worry that it will eventually be that way again.  Granted, I went at 2:30 yesterday afternoon which I'm able to do given my current schedule.  My normal time would be 4:30/5:00 pm.  I'm not going to go at that time for a while.  

Part of my issue with going was exactly what you stated - I was seeing pictures on social media of packed spin and body pump classes.  I don't go to those, but still, it was a little disconcerting.  But yesterday, people were wearing masks walking in and walking around from place to place (that's the rule).  So, I wore my mask until I got to the treadmill (I had a whole row to myself, plus there were cloth barriers in between each machine) and then put my mask back on to walk over to the free weight area.  I had a moment of indecision about whether or not I should wear my mask as i loaded up plates, but decided i should always wear it unless actively engaged in exercise.  I just brought all the plates I would need to my area.  With so few people there, I felt like I could do that without upsetting anyone for hogging the plates.  Everyone picks up a bottle of sanitizer and cloth as they walk in and are expected to sanitize their areas once done (I also sanitized before I started).

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Yesterday was not fully compliant, but great nonetheless.  I decided to have a glass of wine with dinner and it was delicious and worth it.  FWIW, the Primal Kitchen mango jalapeno barbecue sauce is amazing-my anti-healthy diet husband agreed.  My mood and energy levels were good all day. 

I've been mulling over a revelation I had the other day after reading and thinking about a question about tiger blood in @Semi's log...I think my issue over the last few weeks is that I lost the tiger blood.  Between the staying-compliant-with-the-poorest-choices-I-could-ingest, the heat wave, the emotional roller-coaster of home life...I lost it.  It's possible, probable, that it would be impossible to maintain tiger blood when other areas are unstable, but keeping that in mind is another way for me to be non-judgmental and kind with myself.  In my twisted self-talk way of convincing myself of various half-truths, the goal of regaining the tiger blood seems less daunting than sticking with a W30.  I think it has to do with my black-and-white, today was compliant or non-compliant mentality.  I'm still pondering this and why it strikes me as important.  

Mood-8, Energy-8, Pain-2

I hit the yoga goal with a delicious, hour long session during a thunderstorm yesterday.  Today, I should be able to get in my 2nd gym session (and hit that goal for the week), get 8k steps, and start C25k.  Tomorrow morning will be meal planning and shopping.  And I think I'll plan a drive to go for a hike.  

M1-leftover chicken and zucchini from last night.  OMG so good.  

M2-Daughter is coming by to pick up some mail and asked if I wanted to get lunch...will go for some sort of salad with steak or chicken.  

M3-Chicken with Primal Kitchen buffalo sauce.  I should look up a ranch dressing recipe.  I'm partial to blue cheese, but I can do ranch.  I'll probably put it over romaine.  With salted, sliced cucumber.  I can feel myself getting excited about meals again...

Holding pattern continues - I opened that wine last night and I'll need to finish it (can't let good wine go to waste!).  I'm actually pretty happy here the last few days.  My birthday is later this month, so maybe this will be a good place to be until then.  

  

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On 8/6/2020 at 10:24 AM, MadyVanilla said:

I'm engaging in self-awareness/healthy lifestyle practice

Mady I think this is HUGE.  

We engage in yoga practice which is a combination of physical and mental exercises including meditation, and you have re-framed how I want to think about doing this Whole30 and quest for Tiger Blood, or trying to be in my absolute best day-to-day physical/mental state (aside from physically working out which is different).  Whole30 directs our thoughts to awareness of nourishing our bodies as best we can, and journaling takes care of the meditation if we allow ourselves the time to let it work its magic.  It's a practice.

Lightbulb moment: we are engaging in a self- awareness and healthy lifestyle practice.

Wise words Mady.  Thank you for sharing.

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