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I think today was the last day of a very tumultuous school year (I'm a teacher) and even more tumultuous relationship of almost 2.5 years (I'm also almost 29) -- which is saying a lot, because this school year involved a student death, multiple child abuse charge for a colleague who taught a few doors down and tried to flee the country in a national news story, leading to my principal put on admin leave and two interim principals, a worldwide pandemic, and schools closing for the last 3 months of the year -- somehow, my relationship (and relationships in general) are even more tumultuous.

I think it was the first time that I was actually in love and I really thought that he was the one. I planned an entire future complete with a house (that is currently being built), a prospective marriage in the next year or so, and children. It is devastating. When he left, I perfunctorily cleaned up the kitchen from a huge dinner I had made him, cried, wrote some things down I didn't want to forget, and just got back from a bike ride to help me feel tired enough to sleep. I'm finishing a movie I started earlier.

I did not go to food. I do not need to go to food. Food is the bad friend you think is there for you when you need them only to make you feel worse after, using your pain perversely to screw with your self-esteem and mental health afterwards. I always went to food. I needed food. What else did I have? It was okay when I felt this bad, because I needed it. By now, I would be heaving from cheese fries, a loaf of bread and butter, chicken tenders, fast food, dessert... driving as fast as I could from one place to the next to get it over with, thinking the next food would bring me comfort, throwing things in the trash can outside my door so that it didn't enter my home and I could forget about it. This is not tonight. Tonight, I do not need to do those things because they never help -- the immediate relief I thought I got from it is not worth it, it never was. Thank you, Whole30. (I feel like I'm in a cult.)

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2 minutes ago, SchrodingersCat said:

Oh hon, I am so so sorry about the break up, and wow - what a hell of a year at school. You sound like me with the driving from place to place and binging, so I'm happy for you, if that's the right expression, that you've been able to claim that victory.

Thank you. It's been rough but I feel like I'm reclaiming my life back and am strangely optimistic about the future. I thought about about PhD/admin programs on my bike ride and investing my passion into my work and others vs. the family I've been dreaming of. It feels good to get a reply, I hope you've made peace with binging too - I know it's not resolved forever for me, but tonight it feels like a small victory amidst a huge defeat.

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  • 3 months later...

I am very sorry about all your hardships at your job as well as your relationship loss. Going through anything emotional always makes not binging 10x harder for me as well. Amazing job at sticking to it though, you're an inspiration! I hope your year gets better with all of your relationships <3

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