The Seduction of LadyM Returns

[LadyM]

12 hours ago, BabyBear said:

I’m so glad you had a good visit.  Sounds like you came home in a better frame I’d mind and lighter spirits.  I’m sure it nourished his soul too.  Being the care giver to an ailing parent takes such an emotional, mental, and physical toll on a person.  I’m sure your presence provided a small sense of rest and escape from all of that.  

Thank you, @BabyBear. You got it right 100%. I cared for both my parents in the end and have also helped him with his parents, so I absolutely know the truth of what you say. Sometimes the distance between us can lead to a feeling of disconnect that allows me to focus more on how things are affecting me rather than him, try as I do to be empathetic. We had some important heart-to-heart conversations. It's been an interesting journey to start and build a relationship while he's been the primary caregiver to his parents. I often feel I'm not the primary, because I'm not; but it's also meant I haven't ever really been able to lose myself in the relationship, which is something I've certainly done in the past. In any measure, it's been a huge period of personal and spiritual growth for both of us. And that's definitely a good thing.

I really appreciate your wisdom and support!

Day 41

I've had a sore throat on and off for the past two weeks, and this morning it finally broke into sniffles. Pretty sure it's just a cold. I'm having garlicky scallops with turmeric cabbage and onions for meal 1 and inviting healing. I think I'll be OK. Just hoping I didn't bring any crud to the Dude and his mom.

Back to my coffee and CBS Sunday Morning. My favorite ritual of the week.

Happy Sunday, friends!

[BabyBear]

18 minutes ago, LadyM said:

Sometimes the distance between us can lead to a feeling of disconnect that allows me to focus more on how things are affecting me rather than him, try as I do to be empathetic.

The distance makes it hard on both.  The years prior to marrying my hubby he was the sole care giver for his mom as her health failed for three years.  Within that year his last member of his family his older brother started getting really sick and my man insisted on getting him in front of a doctor.  Stage 4 cancer in his lungs and 8 brain tumors.  He basically became the sole care provider for his brother as well.  We lost his brother exactly one year after his mom passing.  We lived 1.5 hours from each other (not the 4 hour drive you had) but even that distance made it so hard.  Communication on your part and understanding is key.  When I got my head out of my own feelings to realize some days he didn’t have the fortitude or energy to even text back “ok” or “hi”  I remember having a hard heart to heart with him while his mom was sick and afterwards seeing that my good morning messages and my sporadic I love you and thinking about you messages throughout the day we’re keeping him going (even though I felt like they were being ignored) help me put my role of support from a distance into perspective.  I had offered many times to help relieve him to sit with his mom or brother but he never wanted me there.  I felt like I was being stuffed armed until he explained for his own sanity sake he wanted to keep me separate from all the pain.  His association with me was his happy place his place of escape as little as it was at the time and he didn’t want to taint that or expose me to the deep deep painful moments he was walking through.  I never understood his thought process there but i learned to be okay with it if it was what he needed.  After all was said and done and he had a year to really grieve and process he asked me to marry him.  He is the most wonderful man and I’m so glad I weathered that very very long storm.  I also saw how well he cared for his family and I knew that he would provide the same care for me and my kids.  Be patient with each other, stay out of your head on things. Communicate every day your support and thoughts and on goings of life even if he can’t. I’m sorry for carrying on and crying all over your log.  I just want you to know you have at least one person who understands and you can feel free to message me anytime for support.  *hugs*

[LadyM]

@BabyBear NO WONDER you have such wisdom about my situation. Your words give me so much clarity and hope. Thank you! It's been a little over three years for us, too, and in that time he moved home to a rural area from his life in Chicago, cared for both parents, put his dad in a home and watched him die from a distance during quarantine on Easter; then within weeks his mom received a stage 4 cancer diagnosis and began chemo sometime after that. It's certainly been a rough go, and it's hard for me to understand why he doesn't respond to my texts, etc., and, for example, on Friday he didn't call me until 4 p.m. to invite me for a visit when he knew I had to work today and had limited time. However, he was cleaning the house in preparation for my visit. I just think he's drowning in all of it, most of all his emotions that have little to no outlet right now. That's part of what we talked about yesterday.

Anyway, thank you again for your insights and empathy. So very, very helpful! He is a wonderful, caring man, for sure, and though I can't know how things ultimately will play out for us, I can do my best to be in the moment and supportive in ways that aren't destructive to me. That's a huge part of the learning for me here, and very much a gift. And it helps to know you've gone through this and come out the other side stronger together!

[LadyM]

Day 42

Feeling pretty run down with what feels like a cold but makes me worried it could be something else. I scheduled a COVID test in the morning to be sure, especially because I may have exposed the Dude and his Mom.

Nothing much to report here on the food front, except I had a phone consult with my doc's office and will be continuing phase 2 of this Whole 30 for at least 10 days longer. I'm good with that. It seems drawing things out is what it's about in my life these days.

Which brings me to the house and the good news that it appraised at exactly our agreed-to price. Which means, fingers and toes crossed, the house will be mine and I'll get to move in at the end of the month. Ahhhhhhhhh! So much packing to finish up. It'll get done, though. Everything will work out just fine. 

Now to get some rest and stop stressing. I think it's time to make meditation a daily priority again. My trip to Wisconsin to eulogize my Grandmother threw me off that practice. Time to return to the mat. It's as simple as that. . . . 

[BabyBear]

@LadyM oh hurray on the house! That is exciting!
 Isn’t it odd how much we resist returning to a healthy habit that made us happy and made us feel better once we have had a momentary stepping away.  
i hope you feel better soon, and that it is nothing more than a change in weather, or detoxing.  

[Jennifer Jensen]

On 9/20/2020 at 8:01 AM, LadyM said:

We're looking at a closing date the end of October, and I have every intention of continuing W30 through then and beyond.

Hoping and praying you get your house this time! Wow, a plan for a W105! At the moment I can't even imagine but I also think it IS doable. Really, I like my food. 

[LadyM]

9 hours ago, BabyBear said:

@LadyM oh hurray on the house! That is exciting!
 Isn’t it odd how much we resist returning to a healthy habit that made us happy and made us feel better once we have had a momentary stepping away.  
i hope you feel better soon, and that it is nothing more than a change in weather, or detoxing.  

Indeed, and thank you! I wondered myself about detoxing . . . I was so sick throughout my first W30 I thought I wouldn't actually receive any of its benefits! But I learned the body will sometimes only allow itself to release the toxins when it has proper immune support. I dunno. But this morning I do feel like things are moving in the right direction and that this more than likely is just a cold. Grateful for the bone broth and greens in my fridge--there is definitely soup in my immediate future!!

2 hours ago, Jennifer Jensen said:

Hoping and praying you get your house this time! Wow, a plan for a W105! At the moment I can't even imagine but I also think it IS doable. Really, I like my food. 

Thank you so very much!! It's feeling possible and like a whole new chapter for me. A major step in the direction of positive change in the realm of what we were discussing on @BabyBear's log about scarcity and coming from a place of poverty. I grew up in apartments. After my parents divorced when I was 9 neither one of them could afford to own a home, and so home ownership just seemed like something that wasn't in the cards for me. I spend my 20s and 30s getting educated and traveling and, let's face it, living the single-girl life spending money on stuff I didn't really need; and it's only after 40 and reaching some career milestones that I realized I am in control of my money and that getting out of debt and building wealth is my responsibility if I want it.

Part of me felt I needed or wanted a man to buy a house with, but with The Dude taking care of his parents full time, he's not available for that right now. And in the past year or so I was forced to move from an apartment I loved because the owners sold it--and my dad committed suicide the very week i moved into an apartment I don't love and frankly don't feel safe in. Then COVID and quarantine, and . . . anyway, I think you can see how the universe set things in motion for me to buy this house on my own. I hope The Dude joins me there. I chose a house that works for us both. But I also chose a house I can make work on my own if need be. It's been quite a transformative process. 

That's all to say thank you @Jennifer Jensen for your prayers!!

Oh, and a W105 or maybe longer also feels more and more possible for me. Part of it is that I've been playing with macros and further restrictions overseen by my doc for thyroid health since Day 23, so when the time comes, likely November now, to increase my food options in phases within W30, it'll feel like Christmas to me! Also, I have a dear friend who has successfully treated her Graves Disease without removal of her thyroid with an AIP W30 protocol and maintained it for over two years. She's simply decided it's now her way of life because it's how she finally feels good and manages her health. So she's an inspiration to me. And more than two years doing a super strict protocol makes 105 days seem like a walk in the park.

Not sure when I'll begin reintroductions, but right now the only thing I'm even remotely interested in testing is a glass of wine. But I'm in no hurry. It's more for the social aspect of drinking during the holidays. The thing that's calling my name right now is potatoes. Back in the day when I did my first W30 potatoes weren't allowed. Now that they are, it's the first thing I'll be adding back in when the time comes to bring in more starches. Seriously. I'm dreaming about the potatoes I used to eat in Ireland--par boiled then smashed and roasted in plenty of ghee at high heat in the oven. Cue Homer Simpson drool face. 

I'd say if this is me doing my worst I'm in pretty good shape at the moment!

Thank you for all your loving support, friends!

[LadyM]

Day 43

I woke up feeling a lot better than I did yesterday, like whatever this crud is will pass. I'm still going to have my COVID test in an hour, but I'm not too worried about it.

As I mentioned already, I see bone broth and greens in my immediate future. I also have my usual standbys on hand: baked fish with fennel and other veggies, shrimp and green beans with tomatoes . . . so there's plenty to eat. I'm craving grapefruit, though it's definitely best to continue to quarantine, so I'll just set that aside for the moment. However, I may go for a gentle walk in the woods later if I'm feeling up for it. I've just been a slug the past couple of days. Of course, I'm planning to wear my jammies to my drive-by COVID test and a walk in the woods would require putting on actual clothes, so I might put that off another day.  

[LadyM]

Day 44

Woke up VERY early this morning, feeling like I'm going to get better, and optimistic about life. Hooray for that!

Feeling rather certain I'll be sticking to W30 through the end of 2020. I will have some social situations to navigate, but mostly folks coming into my new home, so I can much more easily control the food that's on offer. I just can't see myself really wanting anything off plan anytime soon. Why mess with a good thing when healing is obviously still underway? I don't want the added stress of reintroductions, nor do I want the added stress of feeling like garbage and gaining weight and the usual, predictable stuff that tends to come with the holidays. I'm really contemplating the possibility of just doing holidays in a different way. Like, forever. 

Part of my journaling this morning was reiterating to myself that I am in command of my own life. I make the choices. I'm not always in control of everything, certainly; however, I get to decide, by and large. I'm not at anyone's mercy, certainly not when it comes to what I put in my mouth. It was liberating to realize on another level and write down.

[BabyBear]

6 hours ago, LadyM said:

Part of my journaling this morning was reiterating to myself that I am in command of my own life. I make the choices. I'm not always in control of everything, certainly; however, I get to decide, by and large. I'm not at anyone's mercy, certainly not when it comes to what I put in my mouth. It was liberating to realize on another level and write down.

This!  Such a relief when I realized it’s not my job to make people feel comfortable by eating food I don’t want.  I have to circle around back to this often and remind myself, but wow the amount of pressure this takes off of me when making decisions about food!

[LadyM]

Day 45

COVID test came back positive. I'm still fatigued and kind of feverish, but feeling better every day. I haven't taken any OTC meds or anything. I hope my body is in a good place to fend off this nasty virus!

I also think the IF is probably helping. Fasting is the best thing when the body is fighting off the crud. Any energy that would have been directed to digestion can be directed to healing. That's what I've read, anyway.

Who knows. I'm just going to focus on getting better. And I have no plans to change my diet from W30. Why would I?

[LadyM]

Day 46

No worse for the wear. Feeling like I'm recovering.

In other good news, we have a closing date on the house: October 26! I scheduled movers for Oct. 30, so I have two weekends to finish packing. Even though I'm not 100% yet, I do think I can start packing some small bathroom and kitchen boxes. Just a couple a day will get me there. And I think I can make it the rest of the month without my full supply of spices.

The Dude is super stressed about my COVID diagnosis and its implications for him and his mom in having been exposed. I feel so bad about having brought more stress to him in an already incredibly stressful time. I pray they both don't have it. My pilates instructor I saw on Friday tested negative. So that's a grace.

I'm going to push for a longer fasting window tomorrow. I'm not hungry anyway, so why not keep tweaking and playing with it. I threw away my biggest, stretchiest quarantine jeans today. That feels really good. My new "fat jeans" in which I test my fluctuating belly size are now one size smaller. I'm calling that a W30 NSV!

[BabyBear]

This last half of the month is going to be busy and exciting!  I’m glad you are on the mend.  Don’t push yourself too hard give time for rest.  
I do hope “Dude” and his momma come out from the visit unscathed.  Please don’t beat yourself up.  You’ve made him aware of the circumstances, you’ve done what you can do and his response to all this is his own.  
tossing out the “fat jeans” what an accomplishment and a show of confidence that you won’t need them in January!  Seriously it feels good to let those old things go.  

[LadyM]

6 hours ago, BabyBear said:

This last half of the month is going to be busy and exciting!  I’m glad you are on the mend.  Don’t push yourself too hard give time for rest.  
I do hope “Dude” and his momma come out from the visit unscathed.  Please don’t beat yourself up.  You’ve made him aware of the circumstances, you’ve done what you can do and his response to all this is his own.  
tossing out the “fat jeans” what an accomplishment and a show of confidence that you won’t need them in January!  Seriously it feels good to let those old things go.  

Thank you so much for your compassion--and the reminder to take it easy. I need that. Always.

And yes, indeed! It sure does feel good to let those old things go. I'm really ready to move on from those old jeans!

[LadyM]

Day 48

Still on course, though the deviated COVID course, of course.

I have never, and I mean ever, in my life lost my appetite the way I have this week. I'm still eating, but only one meal a day. Making it count the best I can.

In addition to throwing away my old jeans, I spent some time trying on all my smallest jeans. They vary widely in size, with some 6s feeling bigger than some 10s (go figure, dang useless sizing), but the point is I can get them all on and zipped and buttoned for the first time in a very long time. That feels good, even if I have to take a nap from the exertion of trying on clothes. . . . 

I got my 2021 planner I ordered in the mail today and transferred all my dates and appointments into it. Feels really good to be forward looking amid the crud. I have some wonderful things to look forward to, including my continuing W30. Especially with my health being compromised, it just makes sense to stick to the healthiest, most nourishing and supportive way of eating around. Day 100 is December 8, and my aim is to keep going at least until then, maybe longer. I like the idea of keeping the structure of the program through the holidays. I'm not anticipating any major difficulties or temptations, so why not?

[BabyBear]

@LadyMtrying on clothes is exhausting even if it is a positive experience lol.  
ah 2021, so hopeful, so very hopeful.

[LadyM]

Day 49

Looking forward to having some grass fed flank steak I pulled out of the freezer. I dragged my air fryer up out of the basement and made some cod in it yesterday, and I vaguely recall steaks are extra delicious made that way, so I'm going to give it a whirl. I still don't have much of a sense of smell or an appetite, but steak does sound good. That has to be a good sign, right?

[LadyM]

Day 50

Fifty days, YAHOOOOOOO!!!!! I'll call this the halfway point for my Whole 100.

[LadyM]

Day 51

And I can leave my house for the first time in two weeks today!!! Which means I get to do a final walk through of the new house with a painter who thinks he'll be able to get the interiors done before I move in. This is starting to feel more and more real. No doubt when I hand over the biggest check I've ever written upon closing Monday it will feel really real!

Today I woke up feeling the best I have since COVID, so that's promising, indeed. I actually think I'm going to be able to get myself packed in time for the move a week from Friday. And as ALL my clothes now fit again, I can be even more ruthless about weeding out needless clothes in my drawers and closet. If I don't love it and it doesn't fit magnificently, OUT it goes! Such perfect timing. I just don't want to bring anything into my new house that I don't love and need and want. It's been quite a process over the past years . . . losing my mom, then my dad, then my gram . . . somehow it's easier to let go of things after having had to let go of all the primary relationships in my life. I can feel them watching over me as I take this enormous step into home ownership. It's a pretty beautiful thing, really.

I received an Imperfect Foods shipment yesterday, so I'm pretty good with groceries. Haven't had chicken in a while, so I'm thinking I'll throw some in the air fryer to have on a fresh salad. I may pop over to the grocery store for some fennel and fresh fruit, though. That will be an amazing treat after these weeks of little else but apples. So grateful for options and the ability to move freely!!

[MadyVanilla]

Congratulations on the house!  I love the idea of only keeping clothes that "fit magnificently" - what a chore to be cleaning out, packing, moving but it sounds like you are embracing it whole-heartedly.   

[LadyM]

2 hours ago, MadyVanilla said:

Congratulations on the house!  I love the idea of only keeping clothes that "fit magnificently" - what a chore to be cleaning out, packing, moving but it sounds like you are embracing it whole-heartedly.   

Thank you so much! I'm doing my best, little by little. . . . being able to fit into pretty much all my clothes is shockingly motivating. Really realizing on a new level how much I was carrying that I can now lay down. . . . 

[LadyM]

Day 52

I have a bit more of an appetite today than I can remember for some time. That must be a sign of my continued recovery from COVID--hooray for that!

Feeling tired, though, after a foray out into the rainy cold for groceries followed by a cooking frenzy followed by online student conferences. I'm going to FaceTime with a dear friend shortly and aim to pack a couple boxes but then call it a day. Was considering a little walk outside now that the weather has cleared--and it felt so blissful yesterday, but we'll see. Must be mindful not to push. And packing really does need to be priority right now. I know I'll feel better if I just get going.

On an unrelated note, I opened up my new Vitamix and gave it a whirl with some super simple soup I whipped up from bone broth+onion+garlic+celery+spinach+salt and pepper. Totally amazing. I don't know how or why I lived so long without this magnificent kitchen gadget. I can't wait to use it every day in my new house!!

Speaking of which, I did a final walk through last night with my realtor and a painter who's going to be able to get much of the main floor interiors done next week before I move in. It's not cheap, but I'm sure it will be worth it. Starting to get anxious about how much owning a home is going to cost, but doing my best to trust that the universe will provide. It's time to make the leap!

So glad I decided to get back to W30 and clean up my diet before moving into the new house. It just feels as if I've prepared myself for a new life there, and that's a wonderful thing.

[Jennifer Jensen]

1 hour ago, LadyM said:

So glad I decided to get back to W30 and clean up my diet before moving into the new house. It just feels as if I've prepared myself for a new life there, and that's a wonderful thing.

It's amazing how much diet affects our lives! Glad you're getting to move into your house. My advice do all you need to do to your house now. I have been waiting for new floors for 25 years. Our house will be paid off next year and the money is going to re-sodding the yard first. 

[Jennifer Jensen]

On 10/18/2020 at 12:30 PM, LadyM said:

In addition to throwing away my old jeans, I spent some time trying on all my smallest jeans. They vary widely in size, with some 6s feeling bigger than some 10s (go figure, dang useless sizing), but the point is I can get them all on and zipped and buttoned for the first time in a very long time. That feels good, even if I have to take a nap from the exertion of trying on clothes. . . . 

I think I will have a party when I can get rid of all my plus size clothing for good!

Smallest I ever wore was a 12 but 10 or 12 is all I really ever hope for. My mom who keeps shrinking (really she is not doing well) keeps handing me her size 8 and 10 clothing as well as everything else up to a 14. Only a few of them are "me" but I take a few and hang onto them because they are classic styles and good quality. Who knows? 

[LadyM]

Day 53

I'm rereading It Starts With Food and SO GLAD that I am. Reacquainting myself with the how's and why's of this radical transformation is so good and helpful for continuing on the path. Interestingly enough, the thing I'm most interested in reintroducing is legumes. I do love my lentils and black eyed peas and hummus. Gas is generally the only issue I have, and less so the smaller the bean. Anyway, I'm nowhere near reintroductions yet, but it's on my mind.

I also read Dallas Hartwig's new book about living with the seasons, and I really enjoyed it. I've often thought much of his thinking and research is in alignment with what I know about ayurveda even though he never mentions it. I love finding and making those connections.

Still giving myself rest as you can see with my reading frenzy, but today I'm going to set a timer a couple of times to do some packing bursts. I'm such a social person it's hard for me to get motivated on my own. But I'm too afraid to let friends come help since I'm really only two weeks out from COVID.

BTW, the Dude's COVID test came back negative, and that's a HUGE relief. No symptoms from him or his mom, so it's looking good that we're in the clear. Praise be. Truly.

Another cold and rainy day here and after an early morning wake up, I went back to bed and got up just in time for student conferences. Now I'm off to get my glasses repaired. I'll report back about packing later!