REESE

You find out who your friends are...

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Day 20 and the biggest revelation is finding out who your friends are. Eating outside the home in social settings is an eye opener and I am not really eating that differently than I have for the last couple of years. Certainly I am being extremely legalistic about my eating during this 30 days but the response of some has been 'disappointing' but I guess not surprising.

After the last episode this week end when 'a friend' was so adamant that I try his homemade 'whatever' and I politely declined, I'm a bit done with the human race (really just kidding). After several runs at me I finally must have said what was on my mind because my wife told me afterwards that I hurt his feelings. I have concluded I am not in charge of other peoples feelings and to stick to my plan this 30 days.

Is there any polite way to shut somebody up who is being didactic about your diet other than telling them, I'm eating this way because I don't want to look like you or what are you a kindergartner?

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Is there any polite way to shut somebody up who is being didactic about your diet other than telling them, I'm eating this way because I don't want to look like you or what are you a kindergartner?

Those aren't really polite ways to tell them in the first place. When I used to encounter this from family, I would tell them that what I eat is my business just like what they eat is their business, end of discussion. My brother doesn't know how to respect people's limits, so that never was enough to hear it just once. So I'd have to repeat it, and then change the conversation topic. If someone really wants to understand what eating this way is all about, they can ask you privately later. (And one day my brother did just that and attempted the paleo diet - but unfortunately gave up on it too soon).

Don't even start defending your food choices because really, they are just that - your food choices. There is nothing to defend. Just like if someone you know who eats like garbage shouldn't have to defend their food choices to you. Sometimes people just need to be reminded gently of this. Sometimes several times until they get the hint. Hey, and I've found the more you kill them with politeness, the more interested they truly become in what you're doing - and ultimately wouldn't it be great to see the people we care about all get on board with this program.

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The problem with people who keep pushing after you say no, is that it becomes more unlikely that the conversation will end nicely.

Things to try:

No thankyou, with a big smile.

No thankyou, with a compliment and a big smile.

No thankyou, but could you have the recipe? and a big smile

My final run is "I won't eat this as it's not compatible with my eating plan, thank you for offering, please respect my decision." and walk away if it continues.

Some people really will try and force you to break a diet, it's their issue, not yours. It's also not an obligation for everyone to eat everything that other people cook, even if it's "special".

If he'd like you to try stuff next time, send him a list of what you can eat. I have to say beware though, of anyone antagnostic preparing your food. I've seen too many people sabotaged on purpose, to believe that people won't stoop so low.

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Kitmao

Yea, I really do have a pretty good idea that telling someone you weren't eating 'that' because you really don't want to look like them isn't 'polite'. I was being a bit 'tongue in cheek' there. Thank you for your other advice. Usually it isn't a problem but once in a while it is a bit embarassing to everyone when someone insists on making a scene. But you are right, my dietary choices are just that, my choices. Thanks all, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one that is put upon by others who wish to make some kind of fun out of how you eat. Thanks for your help.

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I usually respond with something along the lines of: "No thanks, but would you like to try some of the pickled cow tounge I made? Are you sure? No- I mean really, It's quite good. Are you sure you don't want to try it?"

Then THEY awkwardly change the topic. :D

Or how about some grass fed buffalo testicles?

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I grew up in a household with parents and a brother who had absolutely no problems maintaining their weight, while I struggled constantly and didn't find out until I was in my 30s that it was because I had an insulin resistance disorder that made keeping weight off virtually impossible without some medical interventions. My family constantly accused me of lying about my eating habits and made me feel awful no matter what I ate or didn't eat. Eventually, I fulfilled their prophecy by binging secretly.

Now, I'm healthy and happy with what I eat, but in the beginning of my paleo adventure I was actually very secretive about it around my family because I just knew they'd have something negative to say about it. (My dad still likes to lecture me on how I don't understand "moderation" even as he hands me a container full of junk food every Christmas.) As I said in another thread about sabotage artists, I eventually realized that I'd been ashamed of my eating for so long and I would be damned if I'd be made to feel like my new HEALTHY way of life needed to be under wraps, too.

So I guess I'm of the belief that you might have to be a little rude in order to get through to people who don't want to understand what it is that works for you. If your friend's feelings were a little hurt, oh well. His insistence in trying to get you to go "off plan" was rude, too. Stand your ground and good luck!

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If people are being pushy, I usually say I'm experimenting with an elimination diet to identify some food sensitivities I've been experiencing. It has the benefit of both being true and sounding sufficiently medical that people back off.

I think in general people get pushy about food because food is a way of bonding in a lot of settings, and because rejection of food often reads as a rejection of that interaction or a rejection or judgment of their own choices; when people snap in response, it confirms that anxiety.

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I think next time I'm going to try explaining to the sugar pusher that I'm pretty sure I'm not going to suffer any nutritional deficiencies or psychological damage from refusing sweets over the years.

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If people are being pushy, I usually say I'm experimenting with an elimination diet to identify some food sensitivities I've been experiencing. It has the benefit of both being true and sounding sufficiently medical that people back off.

That's also what I often say. Also works great in restaurants, so they don't go OCD with the cleaning procedure, but also know it's important not to include certain ingredients in your meal.

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This is how I went off the rails at Christmas. Well meaning friends and relatives, very proud of how their "famous ________" turned out and not understanding my reluctance. "Just try it, a bite won't hurt." "You always loved my _____. I made it specially for you."

I don't mind the "Heck, it's the holidays! Live a little!" people. I can put my foot down with them. It's Great Aunt Agnes and her Noodle Kugel and her hurt feelings that I have trouble with. Sometimes it's just easier and kinder to give in, especially with well-meaning but clueless elderly relatives. Some people see their self worth as wrapped up in their holiday food. To reject it is to reject them.

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If people are being pushy, I usually say I'm experimenting with an elimination diet to identify some food sensitivities I've been experiencing. It has the benefit of both being true and sounding sufficiently medical that people back off.

Yep, this is exactly what I do. And it's true for my eczema, anxiety and headaches!

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It is easier if you let people know up front that you won't be eating the same way as "last time", and let them know what you can eat. Ask for salads undressed, that sort of thing.

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This is how I went off the rails at Christmas. Well meaning friends and relatives, very proud of how their "famous ________" turned out and not understanding my reluctance. "Just try it, a bite won't hurt." "You always loved my _____. I made it specially for you."

I don't mind the "Heck, it's the holidays! Live a little!" people. I can put my foot down with them. It's Great Aunt Agnes and her Noodle Kugel and her hurt feelings that I have trouble with. Sometimes it's just easier and kinder to give in, especially with well-meaning but clueless elderly relatives. Some people see their self worth as wrapped up in their holiday food. To reject it is to reject them.

Tbh, this is where things get tricky AND where Whole9 differs from Whole30.

Post Whole30, you know how different foods affect you, and you can make an educated choice as holidays. Violently gluten sensitive? The noodle kugel is NEVER going to be worth it. Explaining that lessens the sting for them (usually). "I know Aunt Kathy, I HAVE always loved your pound cake, but honestly, I will be violently ill and uncomfortable for 5 days if I eat a bite of it."

If you have passive aggressive family members, pushing the guilt back on them works too.

So that's Whole9. Pick your battles.

Whole30? Just take some with you! "I can't eat this right now, but I'm taking some home for after"

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Sometimes it's just easier and kinder to give in, especially with well-meaning but clueless elderly relatives. Some people see their self worth as wrapped up in their holiday food. To reject it is to reject them.

I used to feel like this too until I realized that they were not showing me love. If they loved me they would care that gluten and other foods make my illness worse and cause me suffering. For me, since I can't stray from the diet without getting sick, I had to realize this was their issue and not mine. In a way, they are rejecting me by insisting I hurt myself to make them happy. That's just dysfunctional and I have to remember that or I feel guilty, responsible for their feelings, eat the stuff, and get sick.

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"they are rejecting me by insisting I hurt myself to make them happy. That's just dysfunctional and I have to remember that or I feel guilty, responsible for their feelings, eat the stuff, and get sick."

This is what it comes down to. Real friends will support you in reaching your goals. People who constantly and consistantly try and squash your dreams are people who need serious review on the value they provide in your life.

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It's also good to remember that, from their point of view, they have failed as a host if they have unwittingly provided a meal that their guest can't enjoy. The pushing may be apology/distress/embarrassment in disguise. Especially if you look annoyed while explaining why you can't have the kugel or the pound cake or whatever. "Oh, no. But you've always loved my _________ and I made it just for you," may actually translate to, "Oh, no. Based on all of our interactions to date, I thought this was the best thing to feed you. And now you are deprived and disappointed. This is a disaster!"

Of course, that's only if they didn't know about your diet restrictions.

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I suppose I've got an advantage as a 3-time cancer survivor, plus I'm a brutally blunt (but not inappropriate, most of the time :P ) person, so I won't hesitate to say things like, "You haven't walked in my shoes" or "My doctor(s) are encouraging me to do this (partially true)" or "I'm hoping to live long enough to see my children become adults". Frankly, I'm too old (52) and have been through too much sh-t to feel bad about someone else being unsupportive of my efforts to take better care of myself. Thankfully, among my many blessings is a large group of friends and loved ones who want to see me healthy and happy. For those who can't escape from their narcissistic bubbles long enough to be accepting of what I'm doing, I smile and nod and change the subject.

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I think my tactic (at least until the end of my W30, when I can try reintroducing things) is going to be offering to cook for them. The friends whose house I eat at most often right now are generally SAD people (not sad though hahaha) and trying to explain what I can and can't eat isn't going to work. Plus they have a baby, so I can just offer it to give them a break to themselves or something. That way I can prepare what I want to eat and what will be delicious regardless. I am lucky that she is not afraid of fat, since she's nursing right now. It took her almost two weeks for her milk to fully come in, so she's cool with eating it just to keep her milk going! She looks fantastic too - her stomach has shrank impressively so far.

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Bring-a-dish works well in most social situations :) A gracious host appreciate it. BBQs and platter/sharing meals are often the easiest.

Roast a chicken, lots of people don't :)

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I've been lucky to not run into any anyone who wasn't supportive, but my in-laws are also on the Whole 30 with us. My husband and I are planning to continue the Whole 30 for most of this year, until we lose the weight we both need to lose so I'm sure I'll need this at some point.

My planned speech for someone who insists I try something off plan is to point out that we're on a 30 day allergy elimination diet. It's basically what my allergist wanted me to do with a few foods that I scratch tested as allergic to 15 years ago. It was a two week elimination instead of a month, but the principle is the same. Remove and then reintroduce one at a time with days in between. Point that out to your friend and tell them you need your help so you can determine which foods you are allergic to.

I also liked the idea of asking for the recipe and/or asking for a portion to take home for "later", as long as it's something that would freeze decently, that's probably exactly what I will do.

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