Rojo's Whole30 Log: Round Two

[Rojo]

Well, I signed up for the newsletter this morning. I've been going back and forth on this one. I feel as if I really need to challenge myself and go the Whole30 (not only 29 days). I am finding that without the structure in my mind I let in little bits of food that I know drive larger negative behaviors with food. I am reaching out and strengthening some other therapies I have been involved in for a Binge Eating disorder. I have such a hard time accepting the way it has to be for me and defining my boundaries within a Whole30 really helped me with staying on track (the longest I have ever stayed "sober" with food over the course of this past year.) I love the other benefits that came along in those 29 days and I want more of it. Over the past week, I feel as if I've been in this really murky, shaky place. I've done well since my binge day. I did add in coconut pancakes and meats with bits of sugar in them, and had a taste of jam, as well as one fruit smoothie. But things are escalating in my mind, boundaries are becoming less firm, rationalizations are being made, and I know this is a dangerous place for me to be.

So. I had to take some action. It seems as if logging helps me a great deal.

I know at some point I really need to add in the IBS protocol, but I am not there yet. I've had some terrible digestion issues off and on. I think I may start in stages on that one. The first thing I think I will cut out is nuts (I don't eat a ton of those anyway), and maybe nightshades.

Here we go!

[Rojo]

Day 1:

M1 - 3 eggs fried in coconut oil, 1/2 baked Oriental yam, 2 cups Earl Grey, 1/2 cup berries

M2 - Pan browned Kobe beef, huge pile of roasted kale, 10 olives, 1/2 baked yam

Had a play date today and an appointment after that. I completely blew through midday meal. I thought I'd have time in between, but it did not work out that way. I actually felt decent, despite not fueling up on meal 2.

I love the ease of slipping back into this.

I slept 10 hours last night, which was awesome.

[Rojo]

Woke up feeling really great today. I slept well last night. I have been full of energy all day long.

I am about to host our small group bible study here. There's a cheesecake in my fridge, and some other goodies, but all I want is the Tahitian Chicken I am about to make, with roasted kale. I know the meal will give me energy.

I feel so comforted to be back inside the rules of the Whole30. I don't think I can handle certain freedoms yet, like little bits of dark chocolate, or paleofied foods. I don't like the shaky, middle ground I found myself in last week. I have less to think about when I am Whole30ing it. When I get into too many decisions, like how much meat with sugar I am going to add, or how to balance my pancakes and greens, a gate nudges open and my mind is more apt to travel - concessions are made. I know this and it will be something I struggle with until I accept it wholeheartedly. I can't forget this, or excuse damaging behaviors. Sometimes I wish I was more like my husband and just felt a little funky physically when indulging a bit. But wish all I want, my brain is not wired the same. It's okay. I think these compulsions/addictions add to my life when I see them in a balanced, mature light. I wouldn't be here if I never had a problem with binge eating, and isolated anorexic years. The overall trend is gratitude for the sorrow and pain of dysfunction. I'm just glad to be alive right now and have a quiet mind. When I hit the gray areas the food chatter, and fight, become so loud....I can't take that.

M1 - Turkey burger, cauliflower, Earl Grey

M2 - 3 fried eggs in ghee, cauliflower, 1/2 baked sweet potato

*iced tea while running errands (busy day, lots of energy!

M3 - Tahitian Chicken (ghee, onions, coconut aminos, salt, chicken breasts, pineapple), Roasted Kale

*I might have coffee with compliant creamer, but I am not sure yet. I am trying to be as frugal as possible with coffee consumption. Trying to see how it affects my tummy. I want it though!

One observation I can always pin down when I am on track, is that I feel more intensely. Feelings I used to eat, drink, or spend over, come to the surface with an intensity that is hard to bear. So today, I pulled over. I had at it. I put my head back and let the tears out. I gave myself permission to feel, to face the grief. The song, In the Living Years came on. I let myself have one song.

I saw an acquaintance in Costco and talked to her without anxiety. Normally, I'd try to squirm out of the situation, or pretend I don't see them. I'm so glad my anxiety is down to an all time low! I saw another high school friend while out and about...same thing. I stopped and talked. My heart was racing a bit, but it wasn't like it normally is when I have to see people face to face.

Doing good.

I ran my hands through the pretty girl dresses at Costco and thought of Peter's mom. She always bought my girl a dress each year for special events. It was a little ache, a tight throat, and misted eyes. I let the memories come. I honored my feelings. I faced it, and walked through it.

I think I'm going to be okay.

[Rojo]

Day 3

Had two cups of coffee last night w/compliant creamer and was up until 2am. My stomach was a mess this morning and it has been hard to eat. My morning and afternoon meal have been repeating for hours, and I feel as if my stomach is having trouble breaking things down. Ugh. I forgot to mention I added in a couple of sips of kombucha at lunch yesterday and also some spinach. I think I am really going to have to get pretty basic, and routine in meals, for a bit here to find out what is bothering me (Coconut milk creamer, coffee, the citrus in the pineapple, kombucha, kale??? The only way to zero in is to cut variables, and add in things one at a time for days...I don't think I have the patience for this). Other than this, things are really great. I'm working through a ton of stuff without numbing my feelings. I feel so much progress being made. It is comforting to be back in my Whole30 routine. I feel free, energetic, and mentally calm in terms of food thoughts/obsession. I'm still going through a grieving process I put on hold at the end of 2011, but other than this I feel so optimistic about my future. I feel really strong in the Whole30 this time around. The sweets did not even phase me last night. The newsletter is helping as well. I paid money and I will click that link come hell or high water.

M1 - pan browned ground beef w/onions, roasted cabbage, guacamole, 1 cup Earl Grey

*Tall Chai tea from Starbucks

M2 - 3 fried eggs in coconut oil, 1/2 baked Oriental yam, roasted cabbage, 2 Tbsp. guacamole, 1 cup Earl Grey

I could not manage a meal between 8am and 3pm.

I seriously wish I could check myself into a clinic where they controlled all the variables and charted my symptoms for me.

[Rojo]

Day 4

M1 - 1/2 baked sweet potato, pan browned turkey, sauteed swiss chard in ghee, herbal tea

M2 - 1/2 baked sweet potato, pan browned turkey, herbal tea

M3 - 1/2 baked sweet potato, pan browned turkey, sauteed swiss chard in ghee, herbal tea

A long time friend of mine is on the Whole30 with her husband currently. It worked out that they started the same day, so I will be sending her some recipes and encouragement (one of my gifts in life, I think, is encouraging and believing in others). We had a long conversation about some food tips and where to shop for good deals. I'm so excited for her! She thanked me for sharing my experience and told me she never would have tried this if I hadn't been able to do it. I'm smiling from ear to ear right now. She also read It Starts With Food before embarking on the journey. I was so glad to hear that!

I was going to make a bunch of paleofied sweets today and a filet mignon dinner, but since I am trying to keep it simple and routine for now, I thought it best to forego putting my hands in temptation - even though I am not feeling any overwhelming desires to dive into non compliant foodstuffs this time around. I am surprised by my lack of cravings for the sweet things my children brought home from school today. In the past, this would have broken my focus. I feel so firm and resolved, relieved and centered, right now - I don't want to give it up for anything. I feel as if I have this really great base under me...I can choose to build upon it or begin to dismantle it. Thoughts are powerful. I will not even start the thought process...not worth it.

I am going to try to eat the same thing for a couple of days...and then rotate in one thing at a time in three day intervals. I guess this is a start to finding out what my gut is reacting to. But then I think back on what I've read and maybe my gut is not healed all the way and I just need to give it more time? I really want full healing. I'm pretty greedy over here. I've had these life changing results, but my stomach still continues to be watery off an on, despite other massive improvements in gas, bloating, random gut pain/cramps. Until yesterday, acid and reflux has not been an issue anymore.

I decided, from the reading I've done here, and in ISWF IBS protocol, that caffeine really needs to go (not only for my gut, but because cutting it out might give me even more metal/emotional/physical calm than I am already experiencing). I have struggled with this for a long time. I view it as a crutch, I am attached to it. But today I realized I just need something warm to nurse. I love herbal tea. It is amazing though, my mental attachment to coffee and tea. I am in this place of challenging all things that I am dependent on, no matter how benign they may seem.

We are starting a spending fast in observance of Lent. I come from a Catholic family, but I am currently protestant. And since I am in the spirit of challenging dependencies right now...it fits. I don't think I'd be able to do this without the confidence of having gone this far with the Whole30 framework.

[Derval]

That's great that your friend is on board. I lent my firend my ISWF on Tuesday, then on Friday she posts on facebook about she's doing a fresh-start with Slimming World (like WW), I felt like stomping down to her house & snatching my book back!! She was the one that came to me about paleo btw. Maddening!

[Rojo]

Oh, wow, that would be frustrating! I'd want my book back too. It is hard to watch friends take the experience you give and turn right around and run the other way. I try to always remember how bad I had to hurt to change...but even then I still wanted to keep taking back old behaviors. Just keep doing what you're doing and she will come around. (hopefully!) I joined WW more times than I care to admit. They have all those shiny starts promoting it now and it promises that you won't have to give up any of your old favorites. It is hard to get out of the diet mentality and really want to strive for health and healing.

[Rojo]

Day 5

Stellar day! I had a bit of a headache running around town, but a couple of acetaminophen, and a 20 minute nap, took care of that.

We celebrated my youngest's B-day tonight. Company just left. I can't even begin to describe how free I felt from the cake, pizza, and s'mores. I did have two cups of coffee w/compliant creamer...I am waffling on the coffee issue. I figure I am trying to monitor and adjust so much right now that resisting the coffee was not a battle I needed to win tonight.

M1 - 1/2 baked sweet potato, pan browned ground turkey, swiss chard, ghee, herb tea

M2 - pan browned turkey, 1/2 sweet potato, iced herb tea

M3 - pan browned turkey, 1/2 sweet potato, 2 cups coffee, compliant creamer (coconut milk, coconut oil, high quality, sugar free, vanilla extract), water with orange slices.

There's left over cake and pizza in my fridge and for the first time in my life it is not calling to me. It is silent.

Peter says to me after everyone leaves, "You looked so beautiful tonight. I caught myself watching you more than a couple of times."

I feel so much peace inside.

After everyone left, I had enough energy to do dishes, breakdown everything, sweep and mop. Peter helped too. It was nice to be able to match my partner. It was awesome to have the energy to accomplish all the party planning and errands today, plus engage in the party. I have been trapped so long in a cycle of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual pain. I enjoyed people tonight. I was clear, open, had energy. I didn't want anyone to leave.

Is this real???

[Rojo]

That's great that your friend is on board. I lent my firend my ISWF on Tuesday, then on Friday she posts on facebook about she's doing a fresh-start with Slimming World (like WW), I felt like stomping down to her house & snatching my book back!! She was the one that came to me about paleo btw. Maddening!

Can I add you on Facebook? You can say no, if you'd rather not, I won't be hurt!

[Derval]

That is brilliant and what a lovely thing to hear from your man!

Fb would be cool ill pm you my full name.

[bljf1006]

That's great that your friend is on board. I lent my firend my ISWF on Tuesday, then on Friday she posts on facebook about she's doing a fresh-start with Slimming World (like WW), I felt like stomping down to her house & snatching my book back!! She was the one that came to me about paleo btw. Maddening!

My sister who has battled with ulcerative colitis for 25 years and even had liposuction to (unsuccessfully) remove "fat" from her tummy just re-joined WW after I told her about my successes w/whole30 too!! What the what?! After her procedure didn't yield the results she wanted, she went back and wanted them to remove more, the surgeon said. "You have no more fat to remove!" I now know from my experience that if she could eliminate dairy from her diet, it would go away, but, I guess we all know how it feels to turn a blind eye to the facts... :/

Hang in there! Sounds like your on the road to recovery

[Rojo]

My sister who has battled with ulcerative colitis for 25 years and even had liposuction to (unsuccessfully) remove "fat" from her tummy just re-joined WW after I told her about my successes w/whole30 too!! What the what?! After her procedure didn't yield the results she wanted, she went back and wanted them to remove more, the surgeon said. "You have no more fat to remove!" I now know from my experience that if she could eliminate dairy from her diet, it would go away, but, I guess we all know how it feels to turn a blind eye to the facts... :/

Hang in there! Sounds like your on the road to recovery

I liked your post, because of the encouragement you give me, and also for reaching out to your sister.

I am sorry to hear about your sister. I have an uncle with Ulcerative Colitis and it has not been a fun road for him. My aunt and I are both trying to get him to try out the Paleo way of eating, but he is very resistant. Lately he's been getting really sick...chills, fevers, lot so other nasty symptoms. It hurts my heart, because I am so close to my uncle - he's like an older brother. He's been through resection surgeries. It got a little better after that surgery, but he still has a ton of problems and daily pain.

My whole family has IBS, spastic colons....I am trying to reach them, but it has not worked so far. It hurts me inside to see my family choose pain and disease. At a certain point I have to disconnect and focus on what is in my control, and remember, like you say, how often I have chosen the same thing in my life.

Thanks for writing!

[Rojo]

I forgot to post some good news! I tried on my size sixteen pants today and they fit!!!! When I started this journey, I was busting out of my eighteens (probably should have been in a 20, but I was determined to not go up a size). Super excited!!

I also wanted to post the link to the original coconut creamer recipe I currently use. I was lead there from a Whole9 blog post. I don't add the egg anymore, so I don't have to worry about spoilage, and it tastes just as full and yummy in my coffee. http://followingmyno...coffee-creamer/

[bljf1006]

That's awesome!!!! 2 jean sizes?! That's incredible! I can't wait to have that feeling I'm so happy for u!

[30Canandaigua]

Sounds like you are doing good!! I found that coffee didn't settle with me at all Kombucha can also be a little crazy for my guts. I bought 2 bottles and the lady was like "honey PLEASE do not drink a whole bottle of this..." and trailed off. Good Luck!

[Rojo]

Day 6

M1 - pan browned venison, 1 baked sweet potato, coffee w/2 Tbsp. compliant creamer

*coffee 2 Tbsp. compliant creamer

M2 - http://www.theclothesmakethegirl.com/2011/05/08/paleo-pad-thai/ This was dinner tonight. Yum. This was a nice change. I also had about half a bottle of Kombucha.

M3 - Chicken apple sausage, sauerkraut

Had a lot of downtime today. Feel good.

[Rojo]

Sounds like you are doing good!! I found that coffee didn't settle with me at all Kombucha can also be a little crazy for my guts. I bought 2 bottles and the lady was like "honey PLEASE do not drink a whole bottle of this..." and trailed off. Good Luck!

Yeah, I am thinking the same is true for me. I learned the whole bottle of kombucha lesson a couple of weeks ago. Now I just keep a bottle and never drink more than half...slowly. I sip on it for days.

[30Canandaigua]

Do you drink tea? I was die hard coffee all the way, and now I really do prefer tea. I like a fruity one, or a simple one with a chunk of something floating in it I actually found a few pretty tea cups @ the thrift store for a few dollars a piece, and for whatever reason it feels like a treat when I use them. Or perhaps I am just starting a new 'ritual' with tea instead of my usual coffee routine?

[Purple]

You are doing so well!

I can relate so much to your social anxiety issues. A wise man once said "someone has been messing with your mind" to me in relation to my crazy-making thoughts and that resonated so much with me. It was like someone slapped me in the face (in a good way). I carry that phrase with me now whenever I start to feel anxious or panicky about something I say that phrase to myself over and over until my brain snaps back to "normal". Who the "someone" is is irrelevant, I could be the "someone". The point is that this type of thought is not good for me and I need to take responsibility for my thoughts. This way of eating does so much to heal the brain/mind.

As for lending the book and your friend doing the complete opposite, try not to take it personally. That person is not ready for the path you are on, maybe they will be later, may they won't. I have learned over the years that you cannot force a concept on someone who is not on the same energetic path as you, no mater how much it hurts you to see someone suffer when you have the answer and are willing to help. Hopefully they will come around but if they don't you are not responsible for their health issues, only yours. You can only be a good example.

Keep up the good work! You are very inspiring.

[Rojo]

Do you drink tea? I was die hard coffee all the way, and now I really do prefer tea. I like a fruity one, or a simple one with a chunk of something floating in it I actually found a few pretty tea cups @ the thrift store for a few dollars a piece, and for whatever reason it feels like a treat when I use them. Or perhaps I am just starting a new 'ritual' with tea instead of my usual coffee routine?

I do love tea and have the same approach as you. I love the whole aura of my tea time. I am stocked in herb, chai, green, oolong, and Darjeeling. There's so many varieties, and it does not seem as harsh on my system. Great idea to purchase some pretty cups!

[Rojo]

Day 7

One week in the bag!

Dragging a little today. I chalk that up to not consuming caffeine after a little slip. I'm waiting for the headache. I don't want to embrace that caffeine is hard on my system. Anyhow, I have one day coffee free under my belt.

I had to take a sleep aide last night. I believe the coffee jacked me up. I slept until 11am. My sleep cycle is off due to Friday and Saturday. It'a always a bit of an adjustment getting back on my 8pm bedtime.

M1 - 3 fried eggs in coconut oil, baked sweet potato, rooibos chai tea, couple of sips of kombucha

*iced rooibos chai tea

M3 - We loved the pad thai so much from yesterday, we had it again tonight.

It's around 4:30 and I don't think I'll eat anything before bed. I hate to be full when I sleep. I try to space my meals at least three hours before bedtime.

I am ovulating? The symptoms are almost nil this month...so it is hard to tell for sure if the egg ruptured. Crazy. I guess it only gets better!

I think I'll end the evening with some iced hibiscus tea.

[Rojo]

Day 8

M1 - 3 fried eggs, roasted sweet potatoes

M2 - 11/2 chicken apple sausage w/fried sauerkraut and swiss chard, iced hibiscus tea

M3 - coconut water smoothie w/banana, frozen blueberries/cherries

M4 - Chicken apple sausage w/roasted sweet potatoes

[Rojo]

Day 9

I've been in and out of the house and busy all morning. Tonight is shaping up to be the same. I am prepared though....made a large batch of Chocolate Chili. (Recipe: http://www.theclothesmakethegirl.com/2009/02/22/my-favorite-chili-recipe/) Looking forward to buying Well Fed this weekend!

I can't grasp my thoughts/feelings and put them on the page. I'm a little frustrated, because writing it out is what normally helps. I've had a couple of bad nights with insomnia. The light is changing and this time of year tends to put me in an odd place while I adjust.

I am breathing, working through it, thinking a lot more than I need to, acting less then I should.

I really need to get a consistent pattern of activity down.

I'm just going to relax and let it all pan out instead of getting all EMO.

M1 - 3 eggs, roasted brussels and carrots, rooibos chai tea

M2 - Chocolate chili

M3 - Chocolate chili

[bljf1006]

Insomnia is the worst! I'm sorry 😟 I've found that if I just suck it up and make it thru the day like you planned, the next one is bound to be better 😃

Hang in there! You've come so far and the healing is just beginning!

[Rojo]

Insomnia is the worst! I'm sorry 😟 I've found that if I just suck it up and make it thru the day like you planned, the next one is bound to be better 😃

Hang in there! You've come so far and the healing is just beginning!

Thank you. Yeah, I had a couple of late nights due to a party and coffee consumption. And then Sunday/Monday night I think I was being a little childish in ignoring my sleep cues. Last night was much better...head hit the pillow and I was out by 9:30. Making an 8pm bed time a priority helps. I'm finding that if I edge the lines in any given area of my life just a little, I tend to swing into the opposite behavior. Learning discipline at 33 years old is humbling!