Reevaluating Priorities (stuff hitting fan)

[golden]

So, I'm on day 10 of my first Whole30. Before day 1, I had shifted to a more paleo and whole food based way of eating, had started exercising more often and meditating regularly. So I consider this to be a time of health for me, setting healthy habits and reevaluating priorities.

I haven't had major problems defending my food choice, and I don't have a spouse or kids, so I've only had to change my buying and eating habits for me, but I have been having some personal upheaval. My social life before was based on eating out with my boyfriend or with my family, or getting drinks with friends. Now, I feel that healthier activities like frisbee, hiking, walking, and so on are so much preferable, and usually cheaper. That part is good, and my true blue friends and family are on board. My dad is actually having me over for dinner tomorrow, and cooking a W30 meal.

I've been having major problems with my boyfriend, however. He's supportive of what I'm doing even though he's not joining me, and my mood is pretty steady now compared to hyperglycemic mood swings that I usually get, but we've been starting to argue. It sucks. I think that he may be resenting me for putting so much energy into my food and being willing to forgo our old habits and do something for me, and I am bothered by what I perceive to be unhealthy stress management on his part, which he deals with through working constantly and drinking a beer to unwind. I kind of feel like the fact that these things are becoming an issue when I'm devoting more energy to my own health indicates that there are underlying imbalances or incompatibilities in our relationship that I didn't know were there.

I also have to move soon, and I had the idea this week than instead of finding a new roommate, I could move back in with my mom (which she has previously offered, but I haven't taken her up on it) so that, aside from helping her out and saving money, I could grow plenty of food in her backyard and jog in her neighborhood (which is a better neighborhood for that than where I'm currently living). I would never have considered this before, but it's starting to make sense now that living healthfully seems more important than being close to hip restaurants and bars.

Has anyone else experienced shifts in thinking and possibly relationship upheaval connected with their changed eating habits?

[Moluv]

The short answer is yes.

The long version goes like this: I am married with two kids and when I started my W30 it was just me. The household was gluten free for several months prior (for treating my adhd and my husbands sleep apnea) and he felt like giving up gluten (and his beloved home brew) was enough of a change and that removing even more foods was crazy. He was jealous that I spent a lot of time in the online forum learning about a new style. He got his feelings hurt that I started taking melatonin and going to bed at 9 or 10 instead of continuing our old routine of mixing a cocktail or opening wine and watching a movie. He mourned the loss of favorite foods I used to make and pouted when I told him he would have to shop and make them for himself. We really drifted apart there for a few weeks, but I knew it would pass as he is slow to accept changes. But things got even worse when I insisted on putting the kids on W30. We argued about that a lot but he was working out of town so I did it anyways. When he came back he saw a difference in the children's behavior immediately and after a particularly nightmarish reintroduction to rice, he started reading the books and talking about doing a W30 himself. That was a month ago. Now he wants to continue his W30 and our kids are eating this way like second nature. We enrolled our 2 1/2 year old in a sugar free art preschool 2 days a week to cut down on the amount of time he spends at my MIL house with lots of junk food. We sent a letter to our older son's school explaining our food choices and asking for their support in making sure he doesn't get off plan at school, and they are helping out with that. We are also researching better schools in our city and putting in for a transfer to support our healthy lifestyle even more. We re-arranged our kitchen to bring in a new cabinet to hold all the extra tupperware we have now for packing all of our own food everywhere we go. And now that my husband is well into his W30 I see his energy levels improving as well as the quality of his sleep and he is more fun to be around. He still stays up late and I go to bed early but he stopped complaining about it and I stopped viewing him as an unhealthy pig. So everything worked out. And socially, we haven't had to turn as many opportunities for eating/going out as you may have to but that's because of the kids we stay home more anyways. But when we do go out, we make appropriate accomodations for our own food and drinks and we choose health over what other people might want us to do. We are blessed with supportive and curious friends and family, but all in all, it has been a kind of upheaval in our lives, but totally worth it.

Best to you!

[golden]

Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm glad the tension improved for you, and it's reassuring to know that things could improve similarly for me too, after the initial learning curve.

[AmyS]

Yes. Big changes. All tense (mostly for me, honestly) and ultimately positive. But yes. I've had to decide to put myself first. It has changed how I view the world and relationships.

Also, I want to move in with your parents too now.

[golden]

Yes. Big changes. All tense (mostly for me, honestly) and ultimately positive. But yes. I've had to decide to put myself first. It has changed how I view the world and relationships.

Also, I want to move in with your parents too now.

It's totally changed how I view the world! I'm surprised, but I guess it makes sense that what we put into our bodies changes not only our bodies, but all aspects of our lives.

[CaseyD]

My husband is the exact opposite of me. He eats like he's a 13 year old (frozen pizza or grilled cheese every night before bed - and the cheapest, most processed version of each possible). He stays up too late most nights of the week. He doesn't manage his stress well at all, and he exercises excessively so he suffers over-training/burnout pretty often. About the only thing in the healthy department we have in common is the love of being outdoors.

It does cause us a lot of problems, but the problem is mostly mine. He is supportive of me eating paleo and doing Whole30's. But, I don't like that he won't take care of himself, despite how much he buys into the paleo science. He considers it extreme and believes he is doing fine and is happy. He tried to do a ketogenic paleo diet for a week once (it was totally not done well and he shouldn't have done the extreme low carb, in my opinion) and got to the really pissed off/low energy stage before caving. Because of that experience, he believes that paleo is not for him. He's had two doctors tell him they think he might have wheat intolerance too, but he won't get a test for that because again, he thinks he is fine.

It is very frustrating for me and I've been paleo for a year and a half now. I don't think he will change, and maybe not even if he wound up with diabetes or something. It does sometimes cause tension for me, mostly because I think his stress alone could be much improved on just by cleaning up his diet. That, and it has caused a huge conflict when it comes to raising our daughter and I'm sure with our son that's on the way. He believes cereal, ice cream, mac and cheese, sandwiches, pizza and cake are an important part of growing up and that to deprive our kids of that is basically going to 1) cause an eating disorder or 2) destroy their ability to have friends. Seriously. So, that's a difference we continue to have.

I'm sure this doesn't help you feel any better about your situation, but I think the reality is it can swing both ways. Sometimes your significant other eventually becomes inspired by what you do and follows. Sometimes, they don't want to change and maybe never will. I think since you can't predict or control another person, you have to decide if it is worth it to you if they never do change. Luckily, my marriage has many other positive things outside of some of the healthy lifestyle factors going for it that to me this annoyance isn't worth the fight (well, usually!) and we are happily married. But, I think if we didn't have 13 years of life together and I had just walked into this relationship on top of going paleo, I may feel differently because it would have been a bigger deal to me.

[golden]

I think I'm beginning to realize that eating this way is part of my path because of the things I want in life, namely my creative and personal goals, but that other people have different priorities and may not need or desire to be healthy. Just because this way of eating offers optimal health doesn't mean I should judge others who aren't on the same wavelength. Judgment could be as toxic as sugar.

Thanks for sharing your stories. I think I'm going to just keep truckin along my healthy path and see where it takes me.

[Moluv]

I think I'm beginning to realize that eating this way is part of my path because of the things I want in life, namely my creative and personal goals, but that other people have different priorities and may not need or desire to be healthy. Just because this way of eating offers optimal health doesn't mean I should judge others who aren't on the same wavelength. Judgment could be as toxic as sugar.

Thanks for sharing your stories. I think I'm going to just keep truckin along my healthy path and see where it takes me.

Thank you for sharing your perspective, that's something I needed to think on today.

[Jinkse21]

My husband sounds like your boyfriend...When I want to go to bed early, he asks me, "Why?" Ummm...because I am tired?? When I am on my iPad on the forums or researching other stuff he asks what I am doing and says I like my iPad more than him (at times this is true! ). He sees this as more of an Atkins diet and it seems like he is waiting for me to quit since my dedication to other "diets" never really lasted until now. He's always asking how much longer am I doing this....little does he know that this way of eating will continue past the 30 days with slow re-introductions but mainly sticking to the program.

We were like you and your boyfriend....our social life revolved around dining out or hanging out with friends and drinking more than just one or two drinks..in other words, EXCESS. Now that I am doing Whole30, I am not ready to be around the drinking so that means I don't go out with our friends. It's very sad. The friends I have that don't really drink aren't really around anymore or live at least an hour and a half away.

My husband eats a bunch of crap even though he says he loves the healthy stuff I make...after he adds ranch, mayo, fatty sausage, and pasta, rice, or bread (the white, no nutritional value kind). It makes me sick to watch him eat sometimes. He has always ate whatever he wants and remains this skinny 170 lb guy with blood work that always comes back normal and who rarely gets sick so he doesn't think he has any reason to commit to something like this.

Have I thought about our future if we remain on different ends of the spectrum, yes; but only because we have differences in other areas as well. If we were happy in all the other areas in our life and just not in what we ate, I think it would be much easier to say we could get through this. As others have said, what can you live with and how much does he mean to you? Life is too short to take 5+ years to figure that out.

Do what is best for you!

[Keianna]

Not sure how long you have been dating, but I don't think I would kick someone I loved to the curb over their food choices. Also, it sounds a bit judgmental. In the course of a relationship, people change. Should he say he can't date you anymore because you have changed your dietary habits and are no longer the person he originally started dating. What if you find someone as healthy as you are and then you slip back into poor eating habits. Should this new boyfriend walk away from you? People have to make their own food choices and as long as you are supportive and not intentionally trying to sabotage one another, you find a happy medium and coexist. My perspective on working things out may be different because I have been with my husband for 12 years, but I really do believe that people give up and walk away too quickly. Some differences don't mean you are incompatible. It means you are a unique individual.

[golden]

Not sure how long you have been dating, but I don't think I would kick someone I loved to the curb over their food choices. Also, it sounds a bit judgmental. In the course of a relationship, people change. Should he say he can't date you anymore because you have changed your dietary habits and are no longer the person he originally started dating. What if you find someone as healthy as you are and then you slip back into poor eating habits. Should this new boyfriend walk away from you? People have to make their own food choices and as long as you are supportive and not intentionally trying to sabotage one another, you find a happy medium and coexist. My perspective on working things out may be different because I have been with my husband for 12 years, but I really do believe that people give up and walk away too quickly. Some differences don't mean you are incompatible. It means you are a unique individual.

You're right, Keianna. I think my tendency to judge other people who aren't eating like I am is left over from how I am used to judging myself, but for other reasons. However he is really supportive of what I'm doing and finds it inspiring. So I guess what's happening more is that I'm reevaluating my own life, not necessarily him. But I find that I'm more keen to spend time by myself, and that I have more energy to work on my creative projects. It just makes me think that maybe I was spending time with him to comfort myself similar to how I would eat grains and dairy to comfort myself. But it's different than you and your marriage, though, because I've only been dating him for a year, and we don't live together. So I don't know.

@Jinkse21 Sigh. I'm not sure what's best for me in this arena. If only it were as easy as in the nutritional arena, although I guess a Whole 30 isn't exactly a piece of cake. No pun intended!