Not ready to give up my training wheels

[Beets]

I've developed an intense anxiety problem over the last year or so. It's been an on and off issue for me forever, but I have never before felt one constricted breath from a panic attack 24/7. I also have almost every symptom of adrenal fatigue, some to a debilitating degree.

I know my coffee habit is partly to blame. I must drink it within minutes of waking or I can't catch up to my day. I will often have two cups in the am, a latte from a coffee shop, and later another cup--or two. I'm home with two small children and our neighborhood coffee shop provides a place to socialize, reward myself (sometimes with treats in addition to coffee--Balthazar bakery goods or "artisanal" donuts on the weekends). It's our daily routine, I walk past the place to go anywhere and it's an issue.

In Feb I successfully quit sugar and grains for five weeks. I was still eating dairy in my coffee, grass-fed full-fat homemade yogurt and small amounts of cheese. I was having three or four glasses of wine a week. And, my coffee!

Before that I'd been relying so much on sugar/crap carbs for a mood-lifter/stabilizer that it took at least five weeks to feel good after quitting it. (I had brutal constipation, fogginess, dizziness, got the "carb flu," etc.) I maintained for a a couple weeks. Then my son turned five, we had a couple parties, it was St Patty's Day, et., and my plan to do a W30 in April became an excuse to eat bits of crap here and there. Easter weekend was a complete pig-out on cheese, chocolate (both good, small-batch dark and junky mass-market milk), wine, wheat.

After eating about 20 crackers with brie, pizza, garlic knots and beer on Sat (the horror) my mood plummeted so far that I was actually having suicidal thoughts on my way home from my brother's place Sat night. I have to make up my mind that eating wheat is just never going to be worth it for me!

I woke up this morning fretting about coffee. I'm sick of worrying about quitting (last week I was getting so emotional about stopping--I was teary-eyed every time I thought about it) that I'm starting to go sans coffee today even though my W30 starts tomorrow.

Nutrition goal: aside from the regular W30 rules I want to get myself off coffee in hopes I can quell my anxiety and start to heal my "adrenal fatigue."

Also curious to see if quitting dairy and alcohol will help my psoriasis (worse than ever in my life--used to just be very mild, barely noticeable and go away in the summer) go away. I'm going to take a before pic of my legs. Last summer I didn't want to wear shorts--and it was really hot. I thought it'd go away when my daughter weaned but no! And quitting wheat didnt help like it has before.

Fitness goal: yoga every day. I'd like to get back into a regular (3-4x a week) practice. I did this a few years ago and felt better mentally and physically than ever before. But even when I can't go to class I will do a few minutes of yoga.

Sleep: In bed at 10:30pm, at the latest. In the last few weeks I've started making sleep a priority. I even bought an eye mask. It's helping but it's an on-going battle.

I'm scared but excited and looking forward to feeling better!

[pjena]

Good luck! Suicidal thoughts are scary. Take care of yourself!

[Beets]

Thank you. They weren't the "I'm going to XYZ" but way more fleeting. Not the call 911 kind. I'm making this worse by talking about it? I've had mood issues for years and it wasn't anything scary--just a note that damn! I really shouldn't be eating that stuff!

[pjena]

Yeah, my sugar bender yesterday reminded me that there is no moderation. Darn it!

[Beets]

I know--I keep thinking maybe this time I can eat chocolate in moderation. But noooooo!

I had a bit of chocolate today, speaking of which, so it wasn't my "real start" but I did stop coffee. I actually made a cup, tasted it, felt my stomach start to churn and spit it out. Is it the dairy or the coffee? I'm not sure. But my mouth felt slick--like from mucus.

I had a bit of a headache but it wasn't the horror show I remember from when I quit coffee when I was pregnant with my son. I did have a had a stomach flu last week and couldn't drink coffee for a couple days. Maybe that helped me?

Tomorrow is the real deal! Feel better having somewhat prepped for it.

[Emma]

No coffee? That's a hard one. And a good one. I've gone off coffee before and made the transition fairly smooth by drinking green tea, but these days, there's no desire for a transition at all. I've been drinking three cups a day and relying on it. Unfortunately I just read that it's recommended to have none in the afternoon. Dang! Good luck to you - the first week is the worst.

[Beets]

Day 1

B: sweet pot hash (fat from last night's lamb + coconut oil), fried egg (coconut oil), Spring Tea, Yerba Mate

I didn't love this hash. Maybe it wasn't cooked all the way through? I used a sprinkle of Bouquet Garni and it was cloying. I won't use that again. I have never eaten a fried egg before either. Tasted good, looked not pretty.

S: bits of chicken thigh

L: paleo chili, avocado with squeeze of lime juice and sea salt

Yummy, satisfying.

S: grass-fed jerky, green tea

D: Thai red curry beef/stir-fried veg on bed of raw cabbage

I experimented with the red Thai curry in the pressure cooker. It needs some tweaking but it was fast (pressure cooked the meat in the red thai curry, stir-fried the veggies) and I will normally have most of the ingredients. My husband even ate it and he has categorically refused "curries" in the past.

Did fine today, no coffee and all. Felt a little blah late in the afternoon but otherwise ok. Actually, at some pints I actually felt great. Is it the lack of dairy or lack of coffee? Either way I don't have my usual mild constant indigestion!!

Felt calm in yoga tonight but I need to figure out how to eat on yoga nights. Because of our schedule now (husband home from work/toddler bedtime) I can really only go to the 7:55-9:15 class. I guess I have to eat dinner before I go. I just never eat dinner that early. Hmm.

One thing I will need to work on is my veggies. I'm used to protein + salad or single veg. I need to learn how to pile them up.

[pjena]

Glad your first day went well! And that no coffee isn't too bad.

What kind of yoga do you do? I LOVE hot yoga! I've been going 2-3 times a week all winter.

[Beets]

Day 2

B: sweet pot hash w chicken thigh, fried egg, yerba mate

L: leftover beef w red thai curry and stir-fried veg, raw cabbage (this got really greasy. Should have somehow separated the fat? It wasn't so appealing so I are it in drips and drabs and got snacky.)

S: bites of oven-roasted pork, (nibbles of kid dinner: bites of carrots, bite of strawberry, bite of grass-fed beef burger), 2nd cup of yerba mate

D: skillet dish of pan-seared oven-roasted pastured chicken thighs with brussels sprouts and carrots

Felt so strong in yoga tonight. Oh and I do vinyasa. I did intense vinyasa/ashtanga/power yoga before I had my son but haven't gotten hardcore back into it since then. I did Bikram/hot yoga years ago but hurt my back and never went back. I think I'd feel self-conscious in those classes with people in their tiny clothes. But it is great exercise!

[Natalie.s.a]

Sounds like the first couple of days are going well

Good luck with your coffee-free W30!

[Beets]

Thanks!

It's hard sometimes for me sometimes to eat right away when I get up. But now that I'm finally eating I'm way more enjoying my fried egg over last night's skillet roasted veg with sausage than I did the sweet pot hash. Mmm!

[Beets]

Day 3

Meal 1: skillet-roasted brussels sprouts and carrots, fried egg, pork sausage, cup o' mate

No snack needed. Yay.

Meal 2: chocolate chili with 1/2 avocado (toddler ate it too!), salad w vinaigrette

Snack: grass-fed jerky, more salad

Meal 3: slow-roasted pork taco (on butter lettuce), raw bell peppers, fresh salsa, avocado

Dragging today but I enjoyed all of my food. Didn't take second cup of mate. Really wanted coffee when I went into nabe Italian prepared food shop. And then I was friending for something sweet. Chocolate. Anything! My mind was racing, trying to come up with something I could eat. I ate the jerky and salad and I was ok. Phew!

Enjoyed dinner. Though I won't have any veg left for breakfast. :(My psoriasis is insanely itchy! I guess that's to be expected at this stage of the game.

[pjena]

Good job getting past the coffee and chocolate cravings! I'm going to try that chili recipe next week. I hope my kids like it, too!

[Beets]

Thanks! My daughter even ate it when I made it a little spicy last time around and she really dug the avocado with it. (Which makes me happy because she has always refused it.)

Day 4

B: pork sausage, scrambled eggs, broccoli/coconut milk/chicken stock soup

S: grass-fed jerky, 1/4 banana, T coconut manna

Napped during my usual lunch time and got all out of whack. Then my toddler knocked my bowl of chili, avocado and peppers to the floor. This was after I, hungry, carried a steaming pizza home--balanced on my stroller. Oh god that pizza looked good! Thank god for roasted veggies in the fridge.

Also, crazy headache today. Hoping this was the worst of it.

L: (very late) roasted veg, fried egg

D: made chicken and roasted veg. Just eating my salad (greens, pepper, vinaigrette)

Did I mention my insane headache? Blinding.

[Emma]

You carried a pizza home! Oye - that can be a hard thing to do. We've got a great pizza place with oozy oily pizza and everyone in our family loves it. No more though. I'm not even walking past the place because the smells coming from the building are so tempting. Hope your headache passes quickly.

[pjena]

How are things going?

[countrygirl]

I've developed a pernicious anxiety problem over the last year or so. It's been an on and off issue for me forever, but I have never before felt one constricted breath from a panic attack 24/7. I also have almost every symptom of adrenal fatigue, some to a debilitating degree.

I know my coffee habit is partly to blame. I must drink it within minutes of waking or I can't catch up to my day. I will often have two cups in the am, a latte from a coffee shop, and later another cup--or two. I'm home with two small children and our neighborhood coffee shop provides a place to socialize, reward myself (sometimes with treats in addition to coffee--Balthazar bakery goods or "artisanal" donuts on the weekends). It's our daily routine, I walk past the place to go anywhere and it's an issue.

In Feb I successfully quit sugar and grains for five weeks. I was still eating dairy in my coffee, grass-fed full-fat homemade yogurt and small amounts of cheese. I was having three or four glasses of wine a week. And, my coffee!

Before that I'd been relying so much on sugar/crap carbs for a mood-lifter/stabilizer that it took at least five weeks to feel good after quitting it. (I had brutal constipation, fogginess, dizziness, got the "carb flu," etc.) I maintained for a a couple weeks. Then my son turned five, we had a couple parties, it was St Patty's Day, et., and my plan to do a W30 in April became an excuse to eat bits of crap here and there. Easter weekend was a complete pig-out on cheese, chocolate (both good, small-batch dark and junky mass-market milk), wine, wheat.

After eating about 20 crackers with brie, pizza, garlic knots and beer on Sat (the horror) my mood plummeted so far that I was actually having suicidal thoughts on my way home from my brother's place Sat night. I have to make up my mind that eating wheat is just never going to be worth it for me!

I woke up this morning fretting about coffee. I'm sick of worrying about quitting (last week I was getting so emotional about stopping--I was teary-eyed every time I thought about it) that I'm starting to go sans coffee today even though my W30 starts tomorrow.

Nutrition goal: aside from the regular W30 rules I want to get myself off coffee in hopes I can quell my anxiety and start to heal my "adrenal fatigue."

Also curious to see if quitting dairy and alcohol will help my psoriasis (worse than ever in my life--used to just be very mild, barely noticeable and go away in the summer) go away. I'm going to take a before pic of my legs. Last summer I didn't want to wear shorts--and it was really hot. I thought it'd go away when my daughter weaned but no! And quitting wheat didnt help like it has before.

Fitness goal: yoga every day. I'd like to get back into a regular (3-4x a week) practice. I did this a few years ago and felt better mentally and physically than ever before. But even when I can't go to class I will do a few minutes of yoga.

Sleep: In bed at 10:30pm, at the latest. In the last few weeks I've started making sleep a priority. I even bought an eye mask. It's helping but it's an on-going battle.

I'm scared but excited and looking forward to feeling better!

I understand how you felt after Easter. There isn't such a thing as moderation for me either when it comes to carbs....one taste of something sweet and its a full-on sugar bender.

I think it's awesome that you are breaking your coffee addiction. Iced black tea helped me in the process. Now on the rare occasion that I order a cup of coffee at my local shop, I'm grossed out by the first sip. The only way it tastes good to me anymore is covered in whipped heavy cream, which is totally not worth the flemy, sick feeling dairy gives me.

One thing I have to say is that the first week or so I felt really tired and it was hard to get going, but after that, I felt like I had way more energy than before. Hang in there!

[Beets]

Thanks countrygirl! I so totally know what you mean by that phlegmy feeling! I never thought I'd give up my coffee with half and half but now when I think about it I can only remember that slimy throat feeling!

Ok so I have to post a whole bunch of food logs at once. I track them elsewhere where I can update as I go along, but the end of last week was beautiful and we were outside for hours. THen, more recently, I've been suffering horrible allergies and have been crashing at night and not copying and pasting.

Still holding strong and if it weren't for these infernal allergies I'd be flying. I think. I was just starting to feel great when I got overtaken by a runny nose, watery eyes, dry throat.

Day 5

Meal 1: roasted sprouts and carrots, fried egg, sausages

Nibble: slow-roasted cherry tomatoes (while I was heating up lunch bc I waited too long)

Meal 2: slow roasted pork taco (on butter lettuce), fresh salsa, 1/4 avocado, bell pepper sautéed in coconut oil

Meal 3: braised grass-fed chuck, sweet potato with ghee

Headache still raging. But subsiding.

_________________________________

Day 6

B: fried egg over roasted veg, some chuck roast from last night's dinner, Spring Tonic tea, yerba mate

I love the flavor of this chuck! I eat it cold from the fridge, congealed fat and all.

S: green juice (kale, celery, apple, cuke, ginger)

I know this isn't encouraged but we were out running a million errands and it felt ok and a better option than the various muffins that were otherwise availble.

L: chuck roast, broc soup, piece watermelon, piece strawberry

Felt snacky after waiting so long to eat lunch.

D: spatchcocked chicken, salad with vinaigrette, sweet pot with ghee

_________________________________

Day 7

B: five tiny sausage patties, 2 scrambled eggs, last night's salad with vinaigrette

L: slow-roasted pork, 1/8 avocado, sautéed red peppers, broc soup

Loved this lunch. Mmmm. Very fresh tasting and satisfying.

D: asian turkey meatballs made with w cabbage and carrots, raw red pepper, strawberry, broc soup

Managed to eat before my yoga class! I was strangely resisting the idea of switching up my eating schedule. I couldn't even wrap my head around it. But it worked out perfectly fine and I was happy.

Post-WO meal: small sweet pot w bit of ghee

My energy started to pick up today. I didn't notice a headache. I felt strong in yoga class, stronger than I have felt since having my daughter. (I went back to yoga last year in a half-a$$ed attempt but I was too tired and didn't keep it up.)

_________________________________

Day 8 (one week in!)

Meal 1: sausage patties, scrambled eggs, salad w vinaigrette, strawberries

Meal 2: chocolate chili with 1/2 avocado

Meal 3: ground chicken "tacos" on butter lettuce, salsa, 1/4 avocado , cabbage salad

ALLERGIES. UGH.

_________________________________

Day 9

Meal 1: chicken taco meat, two scrambled eggs in coconut oil, 1/4 avocado, cabbage salad

Meal 2: asian turkey meatballs, cabbage salad

Meal 3: bone-in skin-on chicken thigh roasted w carrots, broc, onions, 1/2 bottle kombucha

ALLERGIES! Again. Sneezing all day and had to nap while my parents were here instead of doing the 8,000,000 things I planned to do.

_________________________________

Day 10

Pre-Workout: asian turkey meatballs

Meal 1: sausage patties, 2 eggs scrambled

Meal 2: chocolate chili, avocado, raspberries

Meal 3: beef and tomato stew over sautéed spinach

Short on veg all meals (including PWO) today! I think I felt it. I felt more run down and more symptom-y (psoriasis and head got itchy again.) Due to schedule issues, I ate lunch way too late--3pm! Haven't had sugar cravings in days but I did after letting myself get hungry.

Had a neighbor over and he and my husband were drinking some yummy rye and I wanted some sooo badly. Also my husband's wine at dinner smelled delish. But so do the Korean short ribs in my slow cooker.

All's well that ends well. All except these allergies! Boo! Nose running, lips chapped, eyes watering, throat itchy.

_________________________________

Ok so I'm all caught up with my logs. Phew! I have been thinking I may need to go on the autoimmune protocol. It will be hard: no eggs or tomatoes takes out half of my repetoire. But my psoriasis, while showing some improvement still "looks horrible, really horrible" in the words of my five-year old. I know I still have time to go but, well, we'll see.

[pjena]

I like your title change! Glad to hear all is well.

[Moluv]

I've been doing the AIP for a total of 3 or 4 weeks (took a break before restarting) and I'm still loving my food!

[Beets]

Day 11

Meal 1: sausage patties, green soup

Snack: raw almonds, grass-fed beef jerky

Meal 2: (eaten in pieces--I was all out of whack) sausage patty, picked at my Korean short ribs that were in the slow-cooker all night (mmm), green soup

Meal 3: Korean short ribs over cauliflower "rice" with scallions, ginger

My allergies are brutalizing me. My eyes and nose wont stop leaking!

Got off schedule. Went with my son on his school trip to a farm in Queens (so, like, in the middle of blocks and blocks of identical brick

condos)--in the cold rain and wind. The animals. They churned butter. But my son loved the bus. I wasn't loving the hour drive in pouring rain each way in traffic. But I did keep to my snacks.

Tomorrow we go to my brother's place. The scene of my last food meltdown.

_________________________

Day 12

Meal 1: leftover short ribs and cauliflower "rice," couple pieces fried plantain in coconut oil (Maybe not ripe enough? Tasted very starchy and I didn't enjoy.)

Snack: grass-fed jerky, closed palm of raw almonds (on the road to Jerz)

Meal 2: chocolate chili, 1/4 avocado

Meal 3: shrimp scampi, broccoli in garlic olive oil

Allergies still raging. Wondering is they are worse because I'm eliminating foods? Like as part of detox? Things getting worse before better?

I ordered shrimp from a "healthy" takeout place (i.e., they have lots of -free options). I was going to get grilled chicken but the thought of a thin piece of mediocre grilled chicken was not doing it for me after a long walk in the woods. As part of an effort to learn how to eat out with this WOE I called the restaurant (feeling like a huge pest) to see if their shrimp dish had sugar or dairy (butter). All clear: just olive oil, lemon, garlic. I ate a couple shrimps and detected a very light coating? Maybe a dusting of flour?? I stopped eating them. But I am freaking out. I hadn't even thought of flour!

Ack. Going to sleep.

[Beets]

I am still freaking out about the shrimp. I stayed up till 11:15 reading threads about people starting over. On one hand I feel like I should chalk it up to a learning experience but on the other I am really worried about undoing all my work on my gut and towards my health.

Ugh. I hate feeling like my Whole 30 will not be perfect because I didn't ask the right questions and didn't want to "bother" anybody with a string of questions and went with the easier option of assuming I'd covered the bases.

Once I realized there was something on the shrimp I really struggled with saying something. I didn't want to make a fuss or make anyone feel bad about anything. So much easier to eat alone at home!

My brother and his girlfriend are "mostly Paleo" but they go off the rails a couple times a week and have been struggling since Easter. They and my husband were all trying to convince me there was nothing on the shrimp. I'm mot sure. My stomach didnt feel terrible but my head is itchy. It's otherwise hard to tell because my allergies are so freaking bad and I'm in a fog anyway.

But I guess it's a learning experience (??) and there is always room for improvement. I will definitely tack on some extra days. I think I will do a second W30 in quick succession to give myself a chance to really heal.

[Beets]

Day 12

Meal 1: baked potato, ground grass-fed beef, ghee

Snack: let myself get too hungry and jammed some olives in my mouth. Stopped at a little specialty market after my other shopping.

Meal 2: amazing Olympic Meats chorizo (smoky, a little hot--it's a hard sausage like a salami, mmm), olives, pickles (didn't read the "spicy" on the label and these are yummy but really spicy!), gingerade kombucha

Meal 3: roasted chicken and carrots, salad greens and vinaigrette

A sudden release from my allergies. Still sneezing but my eyes stopped constantly running and my sinus pain almost disappeared. Yay! Thank the maker. Had a burst of energy in the evening. Didn't prep all I planned to but I did make bone broth and yogurt for my kids.

My face looks thinner and I feel like I'm losing body fat. The only downside is that my "mummy tummy" becomes more obvious. I let my allergies sideline me from my daily yoga goal. So now my new goal for the remaining days is to at the very least do a plank routine. That is all.

[Beets]

Day 13

Meal 1: pumpkin and ginger soup, ground grass-fed beef browned in coconut oil, green tea

I don't know what is going on but I feel suddenly tearful. I'm not upset about anything I can immediately bring to mind. Maybe it's just TOM. Came on so suddenly!

I ran out of my yerba mate and was a bit panicked as I saw my herb stash dwindling. But now I'm on green tea in the am and feeling good. I like the clean herbal taste with my food. I was in a boutique-y food store yesterday where they sold my favorite coffee (Stumptown) and I did crave it.

However, I do like the clean feeling of herbal tea versus the heaviness of my old coffee plus cream or half and half. Can I be an herbal tea person? I always thought of myself as a coffee person. It's all about personal discovery.

[Emma]

I just brewed a second cup of coffee to help get some oomph so I can get some work done while the kids are playing. Then I read your recent post. Crud. It totally reminds me that I too like how herbal tea sits in my system. Everything feels more even. The last couple weeks I've been having a first cup of coffee and then mid morning having green tea, but today I'm taking the easy way out - yet the easy way out doesn't necessarily work as well as the other way. Your post reminds me that I need to give green tea a bigger place in my life so I actually start looking forward to green tea instead of coffee.