Not ready to give up my training wheels

[Beets]

Yeah--it's pleasant and clean and I don't have the anxiety and ups and downs of coffee.

Day 13 cont.

Meal 1: ginger pumpkin kobucha soup, ground grass-fed beef

Meal 2: ", hard chorizo, spicy hot pickles, small sweet pot, ghee and small amount leftover roast chicken--hodgepodge grabbed in five minutes before I had to get son from pre-k

Snack: grass fed beef sticks, orange slices (on playground and my hodgepodge lunch was too late and not satisfying enough)

Pre yoga: grass fed beef hotdog, bell pepper

Meal 3: roasted chicken thighs, roasted asparagus, kale anchovy lemon salad (mmmm)

Horrible tragedy in Boston. My best friend was running and I'm fried. (She and her family are ok.) Thank god for yoga tonight. I really needed it. Sleeeeeep.

[Moluv]

My heart goes out

[pjena]

I'm glad your friend is ok. Such a tragedy!

I just read about the shrimp. I wouldn't worry about it. If you're doing this to heal your gut, you're going to do it until you feel completely better, whether that's 30 days or 40 or 50, right? So, it doesn't matter if you accidentally ate something off plan. If it delayed the healing, you'll just add days on to the end. But, you don't know that you don't need extra days anyway, so it's not worth the stress.

[Beets]

Day 15

Meal 1: kale anchovy lemon salad (leftover, really love this combo), pork sausage

Meal 2: kale salad, grass-fed beef burger, spicy pickle

Snack 1: heaping TB coconut butter

Snack 2: Sea Snax, piece of kid's burger, piece of mango, few strips of red pepper

Meal 3: grass-fed beef italian sausage with red peppers, onions and broccoli sautéed in sausage fat and coconut oil, small sweet pot with ghee

Started off feeling good about today. I feel like my face looks prettier? Not just thinner but altogether more pleasant to look at. I felt fairly energetic.

But I've gotten really slack about eating my lunch early enough. I've also been playing with not eating eggs in the am but I must not have eaten enough. I was so snacky this afternoon! And then very tired. Exhausted. Can't wait to sleep.

I might be about to get my period. Hope that explains it. But I think I've gotten a little loose with the meal plan and need to re-focus as I enter the second half. (Woo hoo.)

[Emma]

Drinking green tea and thinking of you. I'm going to try to keep this up after my first initial cup of coffee which I'm not willing to let go of. Hope your day goes well. Ginger pumpkin kabocha soup sounds delicious.

[Beets]

Drinking green tea and thinking of you. I'm going to try to keep this up after my first initial cup of coffee which I'm not willing to let go of. Hope your day goes well. Ginger pumpkin kabocha soup sounds delicious.

The soup was good. I didn't make it though. I'm sure I could find a similar recipe but I bought it prepared (little shop with hand-written ingredients on a label).

Day 16

Sitting in my car because I dashed out to yoga wearing what's essentially a nighttime nursing bra. (I'm not nursing anymore--but I need to do laundry.) And I knew I'd be uncomfortable with my boobs falling out. Annoyed at myself for missing my favorite class of the week.

I am also exhausted after waking up a few times with my daughter and for the day at 5:20) and have a raging headache. I feel super in tune with what's going on in my body right now--as if I am 38 weeks pregnant and interpreting every twinge and muscle spasm. I'm bloated, tired, extra hungry, about to cry at any minute, and know I'm about to get my period--but it's not happening.

I'm tired too (have I mentioned that?) and probably not drinking enough water. Feeling a little bummed out that my psoriasis isn't getting better. It is mildly improved but still not so I can wear shorts or even capri yoga pants for exercising. I knew that was a possibility but I'm still disappointed.

I'm thinking maybe my system is just really frakked. I am more closely reading the hormone section in ISWF and thinking about how I so often would stuff myself with crap food. I also often ate healthy, but open a pack of Oreos and is eat till I got sick--just like in the book. But I'd do it with any junk food or sweets. Like it was my last chance to eat. I'd even eat past the nausea to Monty Python "I couldn't eat another bite" territory.

Today on the playground my son was offered some apples and he rudely grabbed most of the apples in the container. We had a chat about how you can't do that, blah blah. And asked if he was really that hungry. He said yes. Later I, trying to determine what about me made me so appalled by my five-yr old grabbing apples, remembered I used to eat like that all the time. Like I'd go for days eating nothing and then eat for hours straight.

Once I was leaving a friend's after a weekend together. I asked to take a half-eaten bag of chips. (??? This memory fills me with shame.) I just wanted to eat them all up because at that time I would hardly let myself eat chips. I was also probably broke. But when I ate crap I would REALLY EAT IT.

I used to be a runner. I never ran a marathon but I ran frequently and relied on it for my sanity. But I re-tore a repaired ACL (old injury) and my knee has jut gotten worse and worse so I can hardly speed walk without pain. Since having my second kid I've gotten away from any semblance of regular cardio. I've got to start walking in the morning. If only for 20 mins.

Ok. Enough with my rambling. I'm just feeling reflective (think that's not the word I want to use?) and a little sad and a little envious of all the ladies who busted out their shorts today. I hate not liking warm weather bc I don't like my skin.

Meal 1: ground beef in coconut oil with sweet pot, ghee, TB coconut butter

Meal 2: chocolate chili with 1/4 avocado, hunks of raw red pepper

Snack: more coconut butter (2 TB?), chorizo, more bell pepper

Snack 2: spoonfuls of meat sauce (grass-fed ground beef and fire-roasted tomatoes: tasted amazing to me!)

Meal 3: skillet roasted pastured chicken thighs with b sprouts, carrots and onions in a bit of tallow and coconut oil

Psyched to have a big ol' pile of roasted veg for tomorrow.

[pjena]

Hang in there, Beets. It's hard not to expect a miracle in 30 days, but from reading the forums, we know it takes longer for some conditions. You were starting to feel good, so trust that this is just PMS and that you'll feel great it's gone and that your skin will continue to get better day by day.

I think we're very similar when it comes to eating. I also ate very healthy but give me sugar and I can't stop. I've also eaten way past feeling ill and have eaten the leftover dessert I brought to an event in the car on the way home even though I was stuffed. Like we keep saying, it's easier to have none than to have one. Moderation just doesn't work for me. That's been a nice thing about the W30. I don't regret not having the wine, bread and dessert at my work dinner. I don't regret not having cake at my son's party last weekend. At the time, I may have wanted a piece, but I'm glad I didn't have it because if I'd had a piece, I would have been picking at the leftovers all evening and gone to bed feeling sick and guilty. I love not feeling that way. I hope that this program will help me get to a point where I can have one piece of something really special but skip the rest all together. Oreos and store bought cake are NOT special!

Get outside and walk - that always makes me feel better. I'm HATING our weather right now. It's cold and windy and wet and dreary and it is showing no signs of getting better. It is definitely making everyone around here crabby. I have an elliptical and a treadmill in my basement, but it's not the same as getting outside.

[Beets]

Thanks so much Jen. Really appreciate your comment. I'm glad you wrote that about your son's party. My daughter will turn two in May and I've been preparing myself for making some w30 snacks (dips, pâté, a salad) and NOT having any cake.

And you are right. Food without brakes for me really has nooooo brakes! I would much prefer to feel the satisfaction of sticking with the plan instead of the guilt, self-loahing and bad physical feelings that come with eating junk. I need to work on that visualization before putting myself in a "dangerous" situation.

Day 17

Pre WO: coconut butter (not ideal but I needed to exercise before everyone got up and was half asleep)

Meal 1: soup made of leftover grass-fed beef Italian sausage, leftover roasted sprouts and carrots and bone broth.

Mmmm. Loved this and love how it made me feel: sated but not full or sluggy like how I feel after starting with a baked sweet pot.

Meal 2: more of the soup above. Plus a strawberry.

Snack: dried peach, prune, 1/2 of a "meatburger" as my son says (AKA hamburger)

My kids were eating and after eating lunch too late I was off-kilter. Again! This is my downfall. I eat too late and things fall out of place. This is backsliding into old bad habits.

Meal 3: Applegate hot dog, pepper. Hot dog was a bit funky so I stopped eating. Meant to eat more later but I'm wiped. Yet going to bed too late. Night.

[pjena]

You're lucky your kids are younger. You may be able to get away with some stuff I can't without a ton of resistance. You could make her the watermelon cake that's been mentioned on the forums in a couple places. That would be so cool! And, at 2, she won't complain because she's not used to regular cake. My son loves bringing fruit kabobs to school for his birthday instead of traditional cupcakes or cookies, but he still really wanted a cake for his party. I found out yesterday that a girl at school has been teasing him at lunch because of his allergies and has been shoving PB in his face. I was so mad. He doesn't have a scary PB allergy, but she doesn't know that. I am not usually a mama bear - I think the kids need to learn to deal with people and can't be protected from everything - but I can't sit by and let the poor kid be bullied because he can't eat some foods and certainly can't let that girl think it's ok to do that. Someone else could have a very serious reaction. Grrrr. Luckily, the school is taking it seriously. Sorry for the ramble.

[Nadia B]

Hi there, my turn to pay a visit. I've read the whole log this morning and I enjoyed it so much. I was nodding many many times as I was going through it. Especially a coffee shop being a spot to socialize in your hood. That's exactly what I wrote in my response to you in my log. However, it really has to go. Be strong and i will follow your example

I've been on the road since January and some condition are only starting to heal. I have great trust in this way of eating/living and hope you will too.

I absolutely love that you take time to notice and appreciate small changes like prettier face. Have better afternoon and all the best.

PS. Can you please share anchovy/kale salad? Sounds amazing.

[Beets]

Day 18

Meal 1: Roasted brussels sprouts, sausage and beef broth made from last week's short ribs.

Smells good (broth) but I think the bones were too burnt and therefore the broth wasn't delicious. Put it back on to cook longer but might have to huck it.

Meal 2: chocolate chili, bell peppers and avocado

Snack: almonds and 2 prunes, sausage patty

Meal 3: grilled chicken Caesar salad

The dried fruit I ate yesterday and today is making me tired. Finally got my period. Good thing, I've using its impending arrival as an excuse to veer from the meal template and eat things I haven't been eating (dried fruit) while shorting myself on veg.

Hope this salad works out. Feeling the need for some crunchy greens fo sho. Off to make the mayo I'll use as the base.

In general I'm feeling a little down. I don't feel magically amazing. Part is hormonal. Partly I am making myself neurotic about my diet -> skin. What is keeping my skin from healing? Specific food/s? Damaged gut? SIBO? Where do I go from here? What's next? AIP? I'm tired of analyzing it all. Need to pull back a little and focus on what has improved.

[LadyM]

My skin tends to do better if I back off tomatoes and peppers--nightshades, basically. Since you've recognized your diet is heavy with those, that might be a place to start before going whole-hog AIP. Sorry you're struggling. Raging hormones make everything worse. Keep that in mind and do your best to simply stay the course through your period.

And yes, I'm all for taking a break from analyzing everything and putting energy into gratitude. Not to go all pollyanna on your ass, but sometimes it helps a lot.

[pjena]

And yes, I'm all for taking a break from analyzing everything and putting energy into gratitude. Not to go all pollyanna on your ass, but sometimes it helps a lot.

LOL I agree. We drive ourselves nuts when we overanalyze everything. I'm trying very hard to just follow the program and not think too hard about it. I'll decide when the 30 days are up if it has made a difference or not. Don't let the hormones get the best of you!

[kb0426]

And yes, I'm all for taking a break from analyzing everything and putting energy into gratitude. Not to go all pollyanna on your ass, but sometimes it helps a lot.

I think that is now my most favorite thing I have ever read on this forum! Love it!

[Moluv]

To piggyback on LadyM's insightful comment on gratitude- I think that may be a missing link in your skin healing. I'm saying this from a place of belief in the power of the law of attraction- that our thoughts shape our reality. If you think over and over that dread of not wearing shorts this year what you get is Not Wearing Shorts This Year. While it may feel difficult at first, just fostering a sense of gratitude for the legs you have right this minute, the way they carry you through the tasks of day to day, to the playground, to yoga, to the tiny little shop where you can buy darling little containers of soup with handwritten labels, then maybe you just start to love your legs a little more each day. Maybe you wear your shorts around the house or around people who love you no matter what. Or maybe you venture out for some sunshine around strangers who don't care. Banish from your repertoire any skin-hating thoughts and replace it with sweet and pretty things. Apply moisturizer in the dark and just relish in the way your muscles feel without critiquing the skin. I believe your diet will begin to make a difference as well (I love the nightshade relation, ill watch that for my KP) but in the meantime give those gams some gratitude girl!

[kb0426]

I read a book once called "Ask and it is Given: Learning to Manifest your Desires" and it talks all about the Law of Attraction Moluv. I believe in this as well.

When you think about your psoriasis, of course it gives you angst and sets of negative emotions for you. Because of the Law of Attraction, the Universe provides you with what you focus on. If you think about your legs positively, and you create strong positive emotions about how wonderful you will feel in your heart as you walk confidently around in your shorts, the Universe will provide you that. When you dwell on the negative emotion, you get the negative result. I am SO not articulating this well!

One last thought - you don't need to give a &^%$ about what others think about your legs. I am attaching an article here. I apologize in advance if the strong language offends you or anyone else, but I have to admit reading this has changed a LOT about how I deal with my own emotions and the reactions of others. As I posted in my own log, I have significant scarring on my abdomen (with the pictures to prove it) that cause others to stop and stare. I have learned to not give a *&&% about them; they are insignificant in my life! They may stare and gawk and make themselves look like idiots, but the reality is, 5 seconds later they no longer give a rat's ass about my scars! I only thought they did. Who cares if they do? If they take the time to ask, I will tell them all about my journey for health that resulted in being scarred.

http://inoveryourhead.net/the-complete-guide-to-not-giving-a-fuck/

Okay, this is what happens when I have regular coffee!

[Derval]

I got "The Secret" out of the library a coupleof years ago, I was sitting reading it when I heard a big crash & my car alarm...next doors neighbours teenager stepped on wrong pedal & reversed into my car, huge amount of damage. law of attraction my bum I said.

[Beets]

Ha, Derval! Very much appreciate the comments everybody. Moluv, I got a little teary reading what you wrote. I worked on my leg acceptance today. And you are right, kb. I shouldn't give a rat's ass what anybody thinks. (And there is pretty much no vulgarity that could offend me. I'm Queen Sailor's Mouth.) I enjoyed the piece, especially the idea of "the eye." Mine is pretty powerful. I'm working on it. I'm actually way less concerned than I used to be about what people think. But always room for improvement.

Thanks for the words of wisdom, all!

And the psoriasis does look a little better. I'm also trying to focus on the good things: my waist is definitely getting smaller.

Day 19

Meal 1: leftover ground chicken taco meat, sautéed spinach, scrambled egg, chicken broth

Snack: piece of banana, almond butter, red pepper

Meal 2: more chicken, sweet pot with ghee

Meal 3: pan-seared chicken breast, Caesar salad (compliant, from Paleo mom, needed something crunchy)

Ugh. Still feeling blah. Maybe not enough water? Also went to bed late after watching the Boston related news. I had to nap in the middle of the day. Another late night. Grr. I was doing so well with sleep but I'm falling back into bad habits.

Tomorrow: eating on a schedule and early bed. And yoga. Meat-buying. Brisket braising. Meal planning.

[Beets]

Day 20

Meal 1: half chicken breast in homemade mayo, cup of bone broth

Meal 2: 6 or 7 dates (was starving after errands...and ate them like maniac, not a finer moment), tuna with homemade mayo and capers on a pepper half, more peppers, (geez I really hope I don't have pepper issues!), carrots

Meal 3: grass-fed beef brisket, heaping portion of roasted broccoli and cherry tomatoes, kombucha

Feeling a bit better today. Still tired but I think it might be dehydration. Still not getting enough veggies in at every meal, but I consciously didn't allow myself to snack today when I felt the urge and determined I wasn't really hungry. After the date binge I did battle with a little voice saying, "we've had enough of this, lets stop now, have a bite of cheese, put some milk in your tea, just a small bite of cookie." But I ignored it.

My pants feel quite loose and my husband has been paying keen attention to my waist. Still have work on my post-baby belly donut. But feeling more slender. That part is good.

F yeah Game of Thrones! Sweet episode.

[Nadia B]

Well done! 7 dates is not a binge, come on Maybe not the best food choice, but binge, really? Be kind to yourself.

Isn't it great when your efforts are noticed? Keep going and improving every day.

[LadyM]

Loved that blog post, kb. Thanks for sharing. I'm delighted I gave up giving a fuck years ago. It creeps back now and again, like when I feel rejected, though, so it's a good reminder!

Derval, ha!

Nadia, I caught up on your logs over the weekend. Quite a journey you're on. And thank you for tons of cooking inspiration! I lovelovelove liver, too.

Beets, seems like you're really rockin it. I would eat as many dates as I had. Stopping at seven is a fucking triumph, lady! What's an even bigger victory is that you shut up those nasty voices in your head and have stayed the course.

[Beets]

Day 21?

M1: lamb patty, sautéed spinach heated in lamb fat, sweet pot w ghee, green tea

M2: coconut and sardine patties, arugula with lemon vinaigrette, last of leftover spinach, kimchi

M3: rump roast and carrots

Brutal day with the kids. Coconut oil all over their floor (I use it for diaper cream so it was accessible) and bedding, tracked through the apt, in my daughter's hair. Folded laundry chucked around, date pits stuck to the back of the couch, purple Sharpie in the middle of the living room's wood floor. I can smell my husband's red wine and it smells gooood.

On the plus side, I really enjoyed my sardine lunch. And my daughter was eating kimchi out of the jar. Finally listened to the new Phosphorescent album and it is fab. Made me all teary-eyed and nostalgic. 'Tis the season. April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs and old feelings out of the dead land.

I was more calm till the kid explosion. I yelled at my son--a lot. Hate that. So does he. He told me I scared him. Hate that! I do overall feel more calm.

Made a rump roast with smoky paprika in the pressure cooker last minute. Eh. Not my favorite. (Though a pot roast in an hour is a beautiful thing.) Read a few chowhound threads debating the best cooking technique. I think it's not my cut. Preferred the brisket. The carrots in the bottom (added at the end) were scrumptious.

Zzzzzz.

[Moluv]

"April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs and old feelings out of the dead land"~Beets

[LadyM]

You're in the home stretch now! Sounds like you had one hell of a rough day, though. I don't have kids, and my life feels out of control; I can only imagine what it must be like to have other creatures wreaking havoc on my best-laid plans (even if it is without malicious intent). I'm impressed you kept your shit together AT ALL.

Congratulations. May is coming.

[pjena]

Brutal day with the kids. Coconut oil all over their floor (I use it for diaper cream so it was accessible) and bedding, tracked through the apt, in my daughter's hair. Folded laundry chucked around, date pits stuck to the back of the couch, purple Sharpie in the middle of the living room's wood floor. I can smell my husband's red wine and it smells gooood.

That does sound like a brutal day! Definitely a red wine needed at the end of it day. I hope you found a way to relax and take care of yourself at the end of the day.

My son once made up a poem after I (calmly - no yelling!) asked him not to trample on the folded laundry and he spiraled down into a tantrum and super early bedtime.

Bed makes me sleepy

Mommy makes me cry

Daddy makes me laugh

Fish are cool

I probably should have been devastated that "Mommy makes me cry" but it was just so funny, I couldn't help but laugh. We're human, too, and the kids fogive us when we have a tantrum just like we forgive them when they have a tantrum.

I hope today is a better day!