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Days 5&6 brought some pretty fierce cravings. I had pu-erh tea with coconut milk yesterday am and was so tired after. I pushed trough and got my sh*t done (uh, mostly shopping, like a boss) but oh the lure of the coffeehouse syrupy creamy nonsense was almost more than I could resist. But I did resist. And then I soaked up copious amounts of vit D at the pool, and I'm pretty sure was catching some vibes, or at least eyes from a very young lifeguard, which not only quelled my insecurities about my lumpy ass (still fine, lumps and all!) but gets me high on summertime, the very season of youth and freedom. I'm infected with it. Even though I'm a wife/ mom/business owner with obvs responsibilities, that carefree feeling is just that, A FEELING. It is accessible to me at any time I choose it. I don't need to manufacture it by acting irresponsibly- something I try to do with food or drinks from time to time- no no, I can FEEL carefree and young and wild while maintaining order in my home/work life, my diet, my finances, my relationships. Have I miraculously mastered this skill overnight? No, but I've learned it, I've experienced it, I've journaled about it for goodness sakes- it's not going anywhere. It's a vital part of learning to off-road while self-caring and enjoying life.

Back to the days 5&6 cravings: caffeine is a bad mofo. He don't play around, he is a thief and a con. I am bereft from his stingy ways. Take take take and take some more and give me nothing. I'm taking a break from this. I can't say "never again" because that is as good as an invitation, but a break. I bought a beautiful canister of loose leaf vanilla rooibos with a cloth tea bag today in prep for tmrw, just had booch this morn. Other craving: after a busy day of amusing the children by myself (hubs out of town)- science center, picnic, park, splash pad, I was hot and dehydrated and just wanted an ice cold gluten free beer I have 3 of in the fridge. I laid on my bed and debated/pouted about it for a while, then finally realized I was just dehydrated and dragged my tired ass up and made some ice water in my favorite glass, then went back for seconds. So that's something! I find a post w30 w30 more challenging to adhere to the rules because it just doesn't feel like the real deal. But I've got six days (I'm not starting over re: the bacon- I knew it had sugar, it was bad judgement, I feel bad, whatever, move on) six days done! Flew by.

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Love your reflections on summertime and having access to FEELING regardless of behavior.

 

Though it's mighty hard to resist a cold beer. Super huge kudos to you for recognizing that water was the best way to quench that thirst. I swear, if every time I had a craving I remembered to reach for water first I wouldn't be struggling with my weight! Thanks for the reminder.

 

And check you out! Catching glances of sweet young things. You got it!

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Where the he'll is the paragraph I just typed about that article?!

In case it's lost, long story short: I was suspicious that kombucha was responsible for my recent and constant itchiness- as well as feeling sort of hungover every morning- stiff fingers, stuffy nose, lethargic. I came across lost of histamine intolerance stuff without much searching and will give it a go- no booch, no kraut. For a few days. I will make a big batch of chilled herbal tea to have at the ready to sub for my booch urges, and I probably need to do something fascinating with cooked veggies so ill have then cold and ready for meals. I'm not going to fuss on the rest of the list at the moment bc it's prob fermented foods with the highest levels.

Experiment: commence!

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One more thing. My scale broke a while back (go ahead make your little joke, I'll wait...) and I refuse to buy another one. Stepping on the scale at the health club would ruin my yoga practice- the only thing I go there for. Obviously the way my clothes fit is my daily knowledge of where my body is, and quite useful. But I still wanted something concrete to measure as I feel like I can improve my waistline. So I'm going to use the waist to hip ratio. The ideal ratio for attractiveness (regardless of weight aupposedly) as tracked by scientists is .7. My waist is currently 30.75 with hips at 41 giving me a ratio of .75 (divide waist by hips). Not too shabby! There is some victory for me in this measurement as it tells me so much more than the scale- distribution of fat has a lot to do with health. I weighed 155 last time I weighed and that tells me nothing of body comp. so I guess in a way, my scale broke up with me and what a relief! It opened up the pathway for me to find a new, healthier way to measure my progress.

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Edit: took my measurements (last time till w30 is over, and waist is actually 30 inch) so the ratio is .73

____________________________________________since I didn't start this w30 with any measurements this can be the official one---

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I think using the waist-to-hip ratio as your measurement is brilliant, Mo. And you certainly appear to be in a really good, normal, healthy, attractive place. Are you satisfied with your body where it is, or do you want to shrink?

 

I worry sometimes that I'll never be satisfied, and that thought tortures me. I want to get to a place (a place that I suspect is more mental and spiritual than physical) where I feel that I've achieved enough. No more striving. Just living. Or at least end my habit of dumping all my dissatisfactions on my body. As women in this culture do you think that's possible? I know only I can answer that for myself, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on it.

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Mo, you've given me so much to think about this morning. 1st, yay on finding your hip ratio and being healthy. I never know here to measure my waist because it's really high. A clear indent between waist and breasts. Also, where on your hips do you measure?

I always want to reach for food before water. I know I don't drink enough. I wrote in my log last night that I have to hydrate better. Congrats on hydrating instead of beer!

The Histamine article. I read most and will need to read again later. My blood showed actual allergies to eggs, beef and oranges. Interesting that it said the nose, mouth, feet etc show the sensitivity. When I eat those foods it shows up as eczema by my nose, and definite hand inflammation. Testing egg yolks this week. The other thing hat was interesting is that pork can contain a lot of histamines. I've eaten more pork n the last 40 days while avoiding beef than I have in I can't remember when. ACK! This is giving me so much to think about. Need to get ready for work so will need to get back to it later.

Thanks for a thought provoking morning. Have a fun day!

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Mo, I've been reading and making notes to comment, but was busy drowning in self pitying a bit. I wish I was eloquent, but I am not. So I'll just say that what I admire most about you is your versatility. You always have something new to say/new gorgeous look (<3 new userpic). Ballerina, artist, mother, fighter, whiner, friend, flirty lady by the pool I can go on and on - I never know who will show up on the log today. I am glad you are here, because you bring something to our journeys from all of them.

Upd. Kris Kresser has an article about low histamine food too. Pretty interesting.

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I'm so curious! What did I miss??!!?

.70 is supposedly the ideal ratio, so that's where you want to be. Right? Whatever that means. My ratio pretty much stays the same when I go up and down in overall size.

Calee you measure at the most narrow part. I never know how to measure my hips. But I think a high waist is nice.

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There are about five posts here on Safari/Internet that are not visible on Tapatalk.

TAPATAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALK!

Clearly you already know about the ratio.

I am 100% with you on the self/mom thing. It is a very difficult balance but I'm also sort of getting the hang of it. For like ten minutes a day--big improvement.

While walking this morning I was feeling so myself. Thoughts were flowing, I was feeling creative and confident. Laughing at my internal private jokes with myself (a specialty). Smiling and feeling good, even as I was flogging myself for failing my 2nd w30. (Way harder to stay on task. Totes.)

I was also thinking today I need to give myself credit for keeping it together as well as I have. I was always the royal F up out of my good college friends. I need to stop assuming I'm still playing that old role. But there was a time when I wasn't even sure if ever be able to have furniture (I had a fear of pathilogical fear of commitment), nevermind two amazing kids and a pretty good husband.

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I think using the waist-to-hip ratio as your measurement is brilliant, Mo. And you certainly appear to be in a really good, normal, healthy, attractive place. Are you satisfied with your body where it is, or do you want to shrink?

I worry sometimes that I'll never be satisfied, and that thought tortures me. I want to get to a place (a place that I suspect is more mental and spiritual than physical) where I feel that I've achieved enough. No more striving. Just living. Or at least end my habit of dumping all my dissatisfactions on my body. As women in this culture do you think that's possible? I know only I can answer that for myself, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

First of all, how do I sign up for the LadyM Thought Provoking Question Of The Day Email? To answer the first q- it's easy to want to shrink what with the high value our society places on smallness for women, but then, my current body isn't really hindering me in any way the decreases my enjoyment of life, so while that thought it as the edge of my consciousness I am actively trying to shove it over a cliff. I think it's possible for me to shrink, but it takes too much effort. My kids are sucking the energy out of me as I type- and they're asleep. For now, I'll take the path of least resistance and choose to be satisfied with my current body. My current state of health and general well being is a matter which is still a WIP so there is a big hunk of energy going to tweaking my diet/stress/sleep. I relate to dumping all the dissatisfaction on the body so much. It's an easy and obvious scapegoat. But I can easily remember at my thinnest and proudest outward appearance feeling (to this day) the most ashamed of my behavior/inner life. Thinner does not equal better. I have to remember this constantly as I struggle to shed a sizist prejudice which has been beat into my consciousness since always- not only in the way i view myself but in the way i view others. I think it is possible for modern women to fight against The Beauty Myth, and I think the Internet has been a powerful agent in spreading awareness. In fighting though, we should expect heightened warfare tactics from the enemies- the beauty and fashion and fad diet industries, the patriarchy and whoever else may be a "them". Awareness is the way. I hope you find peace with your body no matter it's size or shape. Especially considering the hell of sickness you've been through, just feeling well and happy seems like a miracle. I am in awe of your dedication.

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There are about five posts here on Safari/Internet that are not visible on Tapatalk.

TAPATAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALK!

Clearly you already know about the ratio.

I am 100% with you on the self/mom thing. It is a very difficult balance but I'm also sort of getting the hang of it. For like ten minutes a day--big improvement.

While walking this morning I was feeling so myself. Thoughts were flowing, I was feeling creative and confident. Laughing at my internal private jokes with myself (a specialty). Smiling and feeling good, even as I was flogging myself for failing my 2nd w30. (Way harder to stay on task. Totes.)

I was also thinking today I need to give myself credit for keeping it together as well as I have. I was always the royal F up out of my good college friends. I need to stop assuming I'm still playing that old role. But there was a time when I wasn't even sure if ever be able to have furniture (I had a fear of pathilogical fear of commitment), nevermind two amazing kids and a pretty good husband.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx hahahaha I lolled so hard when I read the line about ever having furniture. Relate much?! I mean, in 34 and STILL most of my furniture is second hand- some of it fairly nice but second hand. I've moved so much in my adult life. I never even thought I would get married, yet here I am with two amazing kids and an amazing (whether I know it all the time or not) husband. I've been doing the same job (my own business) for over two years which could literally be a record for me. So grateful for the calm and the routines. Even though the "calm" is actually full of mudholes, banana peels, fart jokes and hair pulling in really the happiest I've ever been. A year ago even I wouldn't have said that. I wish I could see my biology all the time and really just KNOW what is going on in there, but I suppose that is what intuition is good for no?
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"For now, I'll take the path of least resistance and choose to be satisfied with my current body."

 

I love this, Mo. Today I can do this too. Some days are better than others. Days I meditate and exercise go better than days when I don't. It's so easy for me to forget what this body can do. It's about so much more than beauty. Learning this is a big part of my life's work.

 

I've mentioned that FMD is working on my biopsy scar. Yesterday she was going to town on it manually and I shared with her how fraught that site was. So, yes, it was the first and only surgery I've ever had, it's at the base of my neck just above my left collarbone, and the doc actually removed one of my, as it turned out, cancerous, lymph nodes. But beyond the physical trauma which I absolutely downplayed because managing chaos and being calm in a crisis has always been my role, my mother was very upset about the potential for the scar. She basically threatened the doctor to do an aesthetic job, because that place on a woman is especially tender and beautiful, "such a delicate place to be kissed." I had yet to be kissed there. My mother's need for me to be beautiful has plagued me my whole life. I know I'm not unique in this.

 

"I think it is possible for modern women to fight against The Beauty Myth, and I think the Internet has been a powerful agent in spreading awareness. In fighting though, we should expect heightened warfare tactics from the enemies- the beauty and fashion and fad diet industries, the patriarchy and whoever else may be a "them"."

 

Right on, Sister! Yesterday I threw out all the dumbass unread fashion magazines laying around my house. It's all designed to make us feel terrible about ourselves so we spend $$. I've actually taught Naomi Wolf's groundbreaking book (back when I was a dyke-y Women's Studies prof ;) ) but does that make me impervious to the warfare tactics? Hells no. I'm a lot better than I once was. And mostly that has been the gift of aging and time.

 

"Awareness is the way. I hope you find peace with your body no matter its size or shape. Especially considering the hell of sickness you've been through, just feeling well and happy seems like a miracle. I am in awe of your dedication."

 

Thank you. I needed this reminder. For some reason I carry an expectation that in order to be a success or just OK I need to be fully healed in every sense. I, like all of you, take this on like it's my job. And in pursuit of that I can forget where I've come from. I really do want to honor all parts of myself and in doing that find peace. This body is a miracle. And so is yours. When I can get quiet enough inside I remember all the places it has taken me and all the ways it has carried and protected me. This body is home.

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My kids are sucking the energy out of me as I type- and they're asleep.

 

 

LOL  Too funny!  I am with you.  I could be smaller/fitter/etc, but it's not worth the time or effort it would take.  My time and effort bank is full up with kids stuff.  And, because I am making that choice, I need to not let it get me down.  That is the hard part.

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Yeah, my husband is amazing too--whether I know it or not. I was kind of irritated with him when I wrote "pretty good." We had some rough times when my daughter wasn't sleeping and I tend to blame him when I'm stuck in a rut. Which isn't fair. We are just coming through that.

The first time I had my husband over for dinner, when we first started dating, I made him a roast beef that we we ate sitting on the floor bc I had no couch or even folding chairs. True story. I had two forks and two plates. I was 27.

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LM, I read that book back in the day. I also studied feminist theory. Obv that is not theory. Actually, her writing kind of drives me crazy. I do agree with a lot of those kinds of ideas, though.

I stopped looking at fashion magazines bc they made me feel bad about not only not being 22 and 6' tall with perfect skin but also about not having money for nice clothes. (Clearly not a $900 pair of pants but maybe a decent knock off?) My first job out of school was at Conde Nast, Mademoiselle magazine--now defunct. But for awhile I was pretty into fashion. Saw the airbrushing and nonsense firsthand, and there could not be a more self-hating culture. But even though I hate shopping I love nice clothes and shoes.

I still like W for their gorgeous photo shoots. But I don't subscribe or buy any of them anymore. The only time I ever see any of those mags is in a suburban supermarket or in a salon.

And you are definitely not alone with the mother/beauty psychodrama. My mother always put appearances first and above everything else.

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