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All I can do right now is dance and paint to allow this angry feeling to dissipate. I tried directing it towards my husband but he's hip to my ways and not engaging. Gotta love that man.

 

Haha. That gave me a chuckle. Rats! Don't you love it when folk won't let you get away with shit? When I'm in a good place, I see the humor in it, though when I'm in a bad place it pisses me off to no end.

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My exit strategy fantasies usually involve large sunglasses and plane tickets...though I do have a mountain cabin girls weekend in a month that I am ever so looking forward to. So I started my period today, which does more to explain the carb loading of the weekend. And it totes explains the peanut butter bacon (oh yes I did) milkshake I ate for "lunch" today. And the ribs for dinner. Whatever! A new day is a sleep away.

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I need another w30 BAD. look at my face in this picture, you can just see something is not right. When I was 50 days into w30 I was so sparkly and bright, I was unfazed by my kids antics, even while my husband was gone, and I was slimmer through the middle. I want all of that back.

post-14185-13722573560746_thumb.jpg

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Cuties!

But I am so with you. I'm dragging serious ass, my skin (not even addressing psoriasis, just face) is red and dried out. A few weeks ago I didn't feel the need for concealer. Now I do. I can barely function, I'm procrastinating big time again, feelin anxious about little nothing things, feeling anti-social. I'm drinking more coffee, which makes me feel more tired, which keeps me up later. Bad cycle and I need to get out. Was just thinking about how our mini AIP was relatively easy to stick with.

Now I'm waking up with good intentions and then mindlessly picking at crap and then feeling like I need to go to bed at 2pm.

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P-Beth, I appreciate that. I'm really not trying to be vain here, I just noticed that there is a look about my face, it's anxiety. The only reason I took the kids to coffee shop for breakfast was because I couldn't get my shit together enough to keep the dishes washed and the fridge stocked and we were out of eggs and clean forks. While I hate to be un-graceful to myself, I just find it unacceptable to allow myself to feel like crap because I ate crap. I just can't do it anymore. I simply must evolve into the kind of person that cares enough not only about myself but my whole family to make sure I choose the very best for myself, not most of the time ALL OF THE TIME. I am setting the bar Tom height. I may fail more before I succeed but I'm not going to keep trying, nor will I ignore the subtle yet obvious signs that my health is sub-par. And Beets, everything you described I could have written. How easily our lights can be dimmed, and how easily than can be turned up megawatt. Care to join me on a regular w30? I'm starting tomorrow. I think the worst thing about starting my day with coffee is that I drink so little water the rest of the day. Using the mct oil has kept me from crashing or getting the big bloat tummy ache from coffee, which used to be my biggest complaints, but now I just realized the negative correlation to my hydration. I would love to keep the coffee around and I suppose it will take sheer will to get enough water though the day.

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Yes. Completely true about the water. When I was drinking tea I'd drink it all day, and it's pretty much water. The coffee dries me out. I haven't tried the MCT. Or any bulletproof coffee.

But I am so there with no eggs or clean forks. I had to take my kids out to munch yesterday for the same reason. I just have no will to do a thing and I'm tired of the one week on/one week off eating I've been doing. Sick of the roller coaster.

When I think about doing a W30 I feel anxious because I'm sick of the food I've been eating but I don't feel at all like making anything different. Or food shopping. Meal planning. Stressing about ingredients. But I am stressing now just thinking about it.

I'm also going to my MIL's next week, for the whole week, driving up to NH myself with the kids. Majorly stressed about that. I guess I *could* do W30 at her house. I'd just have to make all my own food like I was home, which I did ok with when we were there for the long weekend.

But something needs to change. Now. I can't believe I lived for so long feeling this way. I blamed it all in lack of sleep but it's clearly the crap I've been eating. I was even eating PB out of the jar with a spoon the other day. Jif!!! I couldn't even look at the label. It was their "simple" variety but yuck. (Because I ran out of almond butter for the kids and had a jar of Jif in the back of the cupboard.) I felt awful but the awfulness just blended in.

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Whine whine whine.

I'M IN.

I'm f----in' in. Had brisket and cabbage when I first got up. Instead of waiting two hours and nibbling on chocolate and *then* trying to pretend I wanted to eat cabbage. Also made a bucket of green tea last night. It's cold and refreshing and I'm feeling ready.

Have a family reunion Sat and there is usually a lot of gratuitous "we're a big Irish family" drinking. But I have to drive to NH Sun so not drinking will serve me well in many regards.

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I started one called "moluvs millionth" but you are totally welcome to hop on if you want. I had to start a log in the w30 section so I'd have to stick to the rules. That kinda got me last time, it was too easy to justify ham and bacon.

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Hey, good for you two!

 

I had the same problem with the BP coffee until I came up with this strategy: I made myself drink three pints of water before I could have my one cup of BP coffee that I so looked forward to.

 

I try to drink lots of water, and only water (FMD says "Green tea is a good beverage, but would you wash your walls with it?" That helps me remember that water is best), in between meals. I don't want to dilute my food. So I try to get in another three pints (yeah, I stole a lot of beer glasses in my day) before lunch and before dinner. At first it was an effort, but then it became habit, like anything else.

 

I also noticed that pounding the water truly does help with the poops.

 

Good luck, y'all!!

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I like the idea of three pints of water. And you are right that green tea is def not the same as water. I need to get into that habit. STrangely, I was drinking more water before it got hot. Probably bc when it's cooler I drink it at room temp, which goes down easier for me. 

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Gonna have to abandon my W30 log/attempt until I am moved into the new house. I've packed most of my house up. I've made a large pot of stewed beef and sundries tomatoes to nibble on and I'll have to switch to cream for my coffee (just gonna buy it at the coffee shop)as I have me blender to make my paleo cream packed up and the fridge will be gone tmrw. We will just have a cooler. Bare minimum till next Wednesday. De-fluffing is going well, it's def sugars that keep me well upholstered. Sweetness is such a security blanket and I declare I don't have anything to be afraid of in my life. Everything is exactly as it should be.

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I'm reminded tonight of the tortoise and the hare. Long metaphor short, eating clean is the tortoise, smoking pot and drinking coffee is the hare. How many times am I going to learn this lesson? #burnedout

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Mo, I don't think we learn until we're ready. No amount of pressure, either internal or external seems to help. One day we wake up and just feel ready. Then there's the abstinence route, like cold turkey cigarettes or sugar etc. we are all different in what methods bring us relief. My drug of choice has always been sugar and flour. No interest in alcohol or drugs. That doesn't mean i havent sampled things. I've been wired this way since I was 7.

I hope you're feeling great this morning. This is such a great adventure for you and your family!

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