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Well played, Mo. Well played.

Your horror stories are keeping my from desiring to reintroduce chocolate in any form. I was really into organic raw cacao powder and nibs before I started W30. They're technically compliant, maybe, but I imagine they'd be a gateway drug, so to speak, for me. Best to avoid for the foreseeable future. Thank you for the reminder!

Ah, you read that before I edited most of the whining out. I believe leaky gut is a real scenario for me, and my list of triggers grows and grows.

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Well maybe chocolate doesn't affect you all the same as it does me. I'm really fascinated that multiple substances produce in me the EXACT SAME RESPONSE- Anxiety. I'm glad things came to a head the way they did for me today. I needed to learn this for these things just the same as I had to learn it for gluten and grains. I'm 8 months gluten free and now 4 months grain free. In September I will say I'm 4 months alcohol/dairy/sugar/chocolate/weed/egg free and that's a vision of me I love imagining.

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omg.... just read your story about your pukey kids and the lost pacifier and the stress and the face plant into your mil's chocolate. Brings back memories. My kids are older, but they still fight in the car and it sill induces a huge amount of stress. I always thought it would get better as they got older, but no go joe. At least they're not puking on me anymore or crawling in my bed in the middle of the night, lol.

Anyway, that feeling of sedation and relief... yea.

I am reading "Gulp" by Mary Roach and I'm at the end and she's talking about gut flora. My gut flora has a will to survive, and it wants me to eat crap so it can survive. So it's my will over their little microscopic but mighty wills. Until I am able to change the balance. This is war. And THAT'S why this is so dang hard!!!

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Hmm. My husband has a lung disorder so w do not smoke anymore. But we talk about making cookies. I guess those are not in the cards for me anymore either. Grass-infused grass-fed ghee? That stuff makes me crazy, too.

Reading people's stories of being X months free of X are so helpful for me. When I am facing down something wheat-y, I just think about how I don't want to start at zeros months wheat-free again.

The gut thing is real for me, as well. I've had systemic skin issues since I was in high school, chronic yeast infections and UTIs (good times), athlete's foot, chronic sinus infections, etc. A few years ago I had several MRSA skin infections (one of which was concurrent with a miscarriage--causation unknown but suspicious), which was like a plague.

I'm done with it. I want to be better. I also am done with the anxiety and fear of living my life.

I say this as I drink a glass of mineral watered-sangria, which is giving me a headache and is sure to make me depressed. That said, it feels nice to be a little teeny bit buzzed in the sun while someone else is cooking.

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Beets I know it was doing the hypnosis twice that brought this hatred for this stuff to the fore. I mean, before I was kind of still weighing and justifying the payoff I was getting from these things. Today, I woke up like there is no payoff get out of my life. I've ended relationships that way too it was fierce.

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Even though I felt like crap all day I managed to restore my sinking ship and regain some sense of well being by end of day.

Meal 1: grassfed beef skillet with butternut squash, my old standby comfort food, pu-erh tea with raw honey and coconut cream

Started feeling stressed out by super whiny messy kids destroying the house and got into the chocolate again. This is when I realized what a true problem it was (see above posts) and destroyed the rest of it

Nap

Meal 2: applegate hotdog, leftover frozen vegetables with ghee

Meal 3: takeout from the neighborhood taqueria, green chili pork, a few bites refried beans (did not like, won't need to try again), kombucha

I went to the office to meet a client this evening and did feel motivated to work on my wall mural, until I stabbed my self in the knuckle with an exacto knife. This evening I think I'll watch Swan Lake on youtube until bedtime for a treat. And speaking of treats, I'm a treat person. I just love treats. It's how I outwardly express love I feel for life and myself on the inside. What I have to ingrain is a habit of the non-food treat. The only acceptable food treats I can think of right now are really expensive cuts of meat, lobster and good seafood, time intensive dishes to prepare with many steps, dates and daterolls and storebought kombuchas. Chocolate, wine, coffee, cheese, none of these are appropriate treats because they bring suffering later. Non-food treats I like right now are going to the tanning salon, the nail salon, the hair salon, the massage therapist, the facialist (I see a trend here), filling out my Patagonia collection, filling out my music collection, all natural beauty products (I bought some Zum sea salt body/room spray tonight), going to the fancy yoga classes at the yoga studio when I have a babysitter, really any alone time I can get is a treat. Ballet class and regular yoga at the health club and making art are not treats, they are necessities, as is clothing and gear and supplies required to do them. Writing this out like this helps solidify this idea in my mind, though I have been fighting the cult of the food treat for some time. My little ones third birthday is fast approaching and I am planning the menu for that already. I think we will have his party at the Discovery Center (science center) and they have a party room. We discourage gifts, so there is little use for the party room. I would rather the children spend their time playing anyways, but I think I will set the table out with snacks of sweet potato chips, date rolls and coconut waters and do a "cake" of stacked watermelon and cantaloupe slices with berries as decorations. And then stick a storm trooper figurine on top and call it good.

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aye god, the "treats". the other day I wanted to get my daughter a "treat" because she had to get her blood drawn. it had to be food, right? and it had to be something sweet and chocolate, right? you can image how pissed I was when she choose some fruit. I was like...WTF?! that's not a TREAT! but I bought her the fruit.

I like the realization that exercise, clothes, art/etc are not treats, they are necessities. and I'm still struggling with believing that I deserve treats. treats that make me feel better, not guilty or sick.

tomorrow's mother's day. my treat? going to a play with my parents and my girls. can't wait!!

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I think our lives are too bereft of pleasure and fun and that's why we turn to quick grab food "treats" for self care. To me, things like massage and facials are self care, and while they're pleasurable, they're not fun. They don't exactly bring me joy.

So many of us were raised to use food, especially sweets or junk that we weren't allowed on a regular basis, as fun treats. There's nothing wrong with that in and of itself. But what's happened, in my experience anyway, is I've relied on them not as a once-in-a-while, but as the only fun I have at times! Therein lies the rub.

I've tried to change the language for myself, since treats really have to be nourishing to truly be fun and joyful--and I don't just mean on a physical level. But that makes treats as food more of a challenge--a good thing! I'm still working on finding fun, joy, and pleasure in non-food ways.

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Ok I downloaded a new (an better IMO) hypnosis and from just one session with each of them I notice I am behaving differently with foods, particularly in regard to portion sizes (effortlessly smaller), vegetable consumption (effortlessly more), and little extra "treats" (effortlessly absent). I'm not hungry, I didn't snack or nibble and I didn't even look twice at the brand new box of dates in the pantry. Wtf?!? I'm in love!

Today I ate:

M1: smoked salmon and 1 slice cantaloupe, bottle Kombucha

M2: roasted broccoli and onions, 1 veggie meatloaf muffin

M3: meat muffin

M4: 2 slices pot roast over baby chard and kale and sliced cucumbers

I drank a ton of water, and I know that I ate just enough to attain nourishment and not a bit more. I can't have said that a week ago. In the morning I still felt chocolate and sugar coursing through my veins and I was wound up pretty tight. After losing my $&!+ with the kids for the umpteenth time, it occurred to me to try some herbal supplements for relaxing. I dragged out the box of pills and found some relora (for stress), mental focus something or other and some Rescue Remedy. I feel like that stuff helped me over the hump. By afternoon I was productive and calm. By tomorrow ill be on fire, myself.

One more thing, fuck you chocolate.

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Ok I downloaded a new (an better IMO) hypnosis and from just one session with each of them I notice I am behaving differently with foods, particularly in regard to portion sizes (effortlessly smaller), vegetable consumption (effortlessly more), and little extra "treats" (effortlessly absent). I'm not hungry, I didn't snack or nibble and I didn't even look twice at the brand new box of dates in the pantry. Wtf?!? I'm in love!

Hit me up with the name please - I love a good hypnosis/meditation session.

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I think our lives are too bereft of pleasure and fun and that's why we turn to quick grab food "treats" for self care. To me, things like massage and facials are self care, and while they're pleasurable, they're not fun. They don't exactly bring me joy.

So many of us were raised to use food, especially sweets or junk that we weren't allowed on a regular basis, as fun treats. There's nothing wrong with that in and of itself. But what's happened, in my experience anyway, is I've relied on them not as a once-in-a-while, but as the only fun I have at times! Therein lies the rub.

I've tried to change the language for myself, since treats really have to be nourishing to truly be fun and joyful--and I don't just mean on a physical level. But that makes treats as food more of a challenge--a good thing! I'm still working on finding fun, joy, and pleasure in non-food ways.

I think I need to re-eval my treat list as a lot of it probably belongs on the "self-care" list. Shifting my focus toward consistent self-care would eliminate the need for treats altogether it seems. That would allow me to rebel against the cult of treats altogether, which is an idea I like much better.

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My little ones third birthday is fast approaching and I am planning the menu for that already. I think we will have his party at the Discovery Center (science center) and they have a party room. We discourage gifts, so there is little use for the party room. I would rather the children spend their time playing anyways, but I think I will set the table out with snacks of sweet potato chips, date rolls and coconut waters and do a "cake" of stacked watermelon and cantaloupe slices with berries as decorations. And then stick a storm trooper figurine on top and call it good.

Good plan for the birthday. We don't do gifts either. My kids have always donated their gifts from friend parties (they get gifts from grandparents, etc). We've done Food Shelf, Toys for Tots, Humane Society, school supplies (we've donated many backpacks FULL of supplies to the school over the last couple of years). One friend who was inspired by my son did stuffed animals to donate to a shelter. My kids would rather get toys, of course, but they do feel good when they make these donations. I can't wait to try the watermelon cake for my son's summer birthday this year!

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I'm just gonna go ahead and say this again, the hypnosis works. I stopped myself from doing several grazey eating behaviors which I used to find acceptable because it was healthy food. But I am seeing now how I was overfeading myself- if only slightly- because I am now eating just a little bit less food but not hungry. Whether I lose weight (scale or size-wise) at this point I don't really care because I feel really content, but I know I will save money from not eating any more than I need. But if I had to guess, I think I might lose lbs over a length of time and that will be nice too.

What I ate:

M1 (mini-just enough to get me out the door) 1/2 leftover meat muffin smeared with avocado mayo (eggless, thanks lady m!), cucumebr slices

M2 (after returning from a dog walk and trip to the playground 1st thing) slice of leftover roast wedged between baby kale and baby chard leaves smeared with avo mayo

M3 Finely chopped salad of parsley, radish, green onion, ginger and carrots with oil and vinegar dressing, 2 slices leftover roast

M4 Plantain tostado tacos with ground meat and avo mayo and cholula hot sauce (livin' it up before aip starts!)

I didn't eat any vegetables at m4 because all I had prepared was the raw salad and I was suspicious of digestive distress. Didn't have time to prepare anything else, but the plantain is some plant matter at least. Delicious meal and so fun to eat something out of hand like a taco.

I only drank water today!

I felt better but then crummy and tired and achy. The roast I ate was cooked in canned tomatoes. Suspect #1. Also lots of raw veggies. Suspect #2. I took a bunch of herbal supplements while not feeling well and who knows how all that odd stuff is affecting me. Suspect #3. Sugar Detox. Suspect #4.

Regardless the cause, I have a headache, my neck aches and I'm going to rub my neck with Tiger Balm and crawl into bed with my beloved hypnotist in my earphones.

ETA: I made the marshmallow recipe Nadia posted (with 1/2 the honey, thanks for the tip Nadia)- I did eat a small piece of one but that's it. That is not my normal behavior, despite even my best efforts, I mean 2 or 3 would be considered normal. I had my taste, I went on. Not hard, didn't think about it. I also had some frozen berries out earlier for the kids and normally would pop one or two in my mouth. I saw myself want to go for them, but then something stopped me. MY SUBCONSCIOUS stopped me. I'm just thrilled with the hypnotizing- it took all these things that I know intellectually and drove them deeper- like it's just natural behavior. I will try other manner of self-improvement this way.

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A couple years ago I started listening to self-esteem, confidence and gratitude audio tracks. Been thinking about busting them out, too!

I saw something like that in the iTunes Store! Would love to find one about saving money, or communication. I'm only 3 or 4 days in and my habits are changing so rapidly and automatically. I love it. It was the missing link.

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M1: so gross I ate about 6 bites and called it good- leftover smoked salmon crumbled into my leftover parsley salad which I was leery of eating raw so I had the bright idea to cook it. Probably could have worked besides it already had vinegarete on it, which is noxious when cooked, like turnips, which always ALWAYS reminds me of The Holocaust, and it's just sad and gross. Small mug of bone broth (chicken, ribs, kombu, ginger) with fish sauce and coconut aminos. Very oily, had to be stirred constantly to drink. I felt defeated by this breakfast.

M2: I went to work with only a tiny container of a homemade wallerbar knowing I had canned stuff in the pantry at work. I only ate the wallerbar and a Kombucha

M3: (pre yoga) 4 squash chips, 1/8 avocado, 1/2 Applegate hotdog

M4: 1 1/4 lemon pepper chicken breast dipped liberally in cholula, yellow squash sautéed in coconut oil, baked cabbage rings drizzled with olive oil, coconut aminos and oregano

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I saw something like that in the iTunes Store! Would love to find one about saving money, or communication. I'm only 3 or 4 days in and my habits are changing so rapidly and automatically. I love it. It was the missing link.

What is it about the Collingwood recording that you like so much? (I just googled him and it looks like he's Australian. Does he have an Australian accent on the recording? I couldn't do that. No offence to any Aussies reading. Just a personal tick.) Also, I would LOVE to find a good one on money/personal finance. After mastering my impulse control with food, that's the next step. It's all connected.

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What is it about the Collingwood recording that you like so much? (I just googled him and it looks like he's Australian. Does he have an Australian accent on the recording? I couldn't do that. No offence to any Aussies reading. Just a personal tick.) Also, I would LOVE to find a good one on money/personal finance. After mastering my impulse control with food, that's the next step. It's all connected.

He does have an accent. I like it. I like his voice, his wording and find it more thorough than the other one (Steve g Jones). He gets me "under" thoroughly and it has theta rythm embedded throughout. It also has a 15 min intro which explains a lot about how it works and gets you primed for it. I think the other one would have worked too I just had to work a lot harder to relax. Collingwood gets me really relaxed and its enjoyable. Maybe you can listen to a sample before you buy? His voice is very nice.

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Thanks, Mo. I'll give it a sample listen. There are some Australian accents that are like fingernails on a chalkboard to me, so I'd need to make sure his isn't one of those!

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