the journey of jess

[Jtandi]

I am 2 weeks post my first whole anything following 39 years of sub-par SAD (bet you didn't know there was a SUB-PAR SAD! I think I created it) and January 1 I jumped in feet first and did a whole100 with an awesome group who supported each other through the entire way. though we have created a post-whole100 group it seems to not be quite enough as posting has dwindled and I realized that maybe I need to start my own log...so here I am

this journey, for me, has been one of the most incredible journeys of self discovery I have ever experienced. and I've been on some journeys. issues I didn't realize were there popped up. and as I continue on this journey following those 100 days I've realized I still need the support and help of all of you on this forum.

as relaxed and flexible as I thought I was I found I am a tightly wound control freak. apparently everyone knew this but me. so, the rules of this program were so comforting to me. I didn't have to control anything, I knew what I could have and what I couldn't. everything was defined.

in the first week I re-introduced dairy - the one thing I missed terribly (I grew up in Minnesota. we put cheese on our butter.). I have a seizure disorder and found after eating dairy for 4 days I experienced a strong aura one night (somewhat of a partial seizure - I don't lose consciousness/etc), kept eating the cheese because I thought there was no way it was connected. I had another strong aura a couple days later. I did some research and found a connection between casein sensitivity and seizures. I took out the dairy and immediately felt so much better I was shocked. I have since added in some goat cheese with no similar problems - YAY!

my struggle right now circles around eating paleofied foods (muffins, etc) and such. I am terrified of gaining back any weight. I feel paralysed with fear about some of my food choices and coming on here has been so cathartic for me in the past that I feel strongly I need to get back on here to write about my journey and not just answer posts.

SO HERE I AM! if you got through that long post you deserve a medal of something. seriously.

[kb0426]

No medal needed here! You are the one that deserves the award!

Here are a couple of things I try to remember as I navigate my own post-whole30 journey.

• If it isn't in the house, I can't eat it. For me, it is also cheese - and crackers! I loved your line about cheese on butter . You are able to identify a significant difference in how you feel when you consume dairy vs not. Me? I break out and get a stuffy nose.
  
• Paleofied treats - even if they turn out so-so and are SWYPO, they are a food that easily can still be considered psychologically addicting, and food without breaks. If I make a treat, I had better have a place to take the rest after I have tasted and enjoyed. To be honest, in between my first and second whole30, I far enjoyed baking "regular" treats, indulging, and sharing with others, than making a paleofied version and eating too much of it. Am I making sense? I guess because I knew that something contained ingredients that would make me less healthy, it was easier to tell myself "only one".
  

Looking forward to watching the rest of your journey unfold, and supporting where I can!

Kel

[Jtandi]

hmmm Kel...I do understand your logic. I actually cannot imagine having a "real" treat right now, and can see the logic of having only one because you know how bad it is. my biggest fear with that is my addiction to sweets taking over. in some odd way I feel like if I binge on "paleo" treats I am not doing as much damage as if they were real...and I fear that if I started down the traditional treat route I might never get back. gah. the muffins I did make were actually amazing tasting (to me - a friend tried them and she wasn't as impressed! ).

today went well. I worked and I always bring my food with me. I have a standard breakfast of 3 eggs and sweet potato hash. every morning. I have eaten it every morning for the past 100+ days...but I love it. and it makes me feel good to have a set breakfast that is a no-brainer! but I have found that I need to eat a little more, I think I was cutting back a bit.

breakfast was late today because I knew I would have a late lunch - chicken with dates/shallots, cauliflower rice, and an avocado.

dinner was after I got home - a spicy sausage and butternut squash soup

I had no lara bars or muffins today (normally at work I do have a lara bar) and was pretty happy with that. I did have a small piece of 85% dark chocolate (dairy free) and some macadamia nuts and a small piece of dried mango.

now off to bed. here's to another good day tomorrow!

[Jtandi]

OH, and the muffins I made are all gone. I have no plans at this point to make more...at least for today. I do have a couple bananas that are getting close to the end of their life and so I'll probably make something for them. I would love to find some muffins or something that my family would eat in an attempt to slowly transition them over to paleo.

[Jtandi]

woke up, ate my standard breakfast, and got to the gym this morning to start my day off right. got home and had a great complaint lunch of chicken, cauliflower rice, kombucha, and I did have a lara bar earlier. then...I got my period. which sets of a "ding ding ding" as to why I have been wanting sugar/chocolate recently. so, I pulled out my chocolate bar and had some! gasp!

here's the difference: I had every intention of eating some chocolate. I sat down on my couch and enjoyed it. I didn't hide in my kitchen where no one could see me. I got dark chocolate (72%) that is vegan as I've had problems with milk. I am doing my best NOT to feel GUILTY about having some chocolate...doing my best to enjoy what I ate. this is how I'm attempting to change my relationship with food. long term. my usual MO is to beat myself up "OH MY GOD I ATE SOME CHOCOLATE. WELL F*CK IT, I ALREADY ATE SOME. I'M A BAD PERSON AND I MIGHT AS WELL GO ALL OUT". yeah. not working anymore. shut up stupid voice in my head. instead I'm listening to the voice that says "yeah. you got your period. you had a little chocolate. it was good dark chocolate and you enjoyed it. next..."

off to dinner tonight with my brother who is in from out of town. it will be a compliant dinner that isn't obsessive (as in, I'll order compliant food without completely grilling the waiter about what is in every single little thing) but don't really have any reason to eat anything off plan, nothing special tonight.

[pjena]

Great job enjoying the chocolate and then moving on! I hope to be there someday...

[Jtandi]

yesterday was the first day I went out to eat without asking a million questions (the previous day my family ended up ordering pizza...something I used to fear and loathe, now something I love because I can eat what I've made and not stress about going out to eat...funny how things change!). we went to a Persian restaurant that is mostly kabobs, etc. I had a saffron chicken kabob with some grilled veggies and sweet potato fries. my muscles twitched as I controlled myself and didn't ask what type of oil the fries were made in...if the veggies had been marinated, what was in the marinade that the chicken was in...AND I dipped my chicken in the yogurt dip. next time I will ask. it helps me to know and might change my choice in sides.

after the meal I felt hungry and super tired, I'm a little foggy headed today with a slight headache. could've been the food, could've been hanging out by the pool yesterday afternoon with my girls, who knows. but I do know it was super stressful for me to relax and let go when ordering (control issues much?!)

the bread didn't call to me. I chose not to eat the rice, and I don't know if I should've eaten the yogurt because of my previous problems with dairy, but we'll see. since I didn't do a reintroduction of anything besides dairy I really can't say what else might have been in the food to make me feel this way.

another piece of chocolate when I got home. again, it was enjoyed and not eaten in the kitchen. and it's now gone. so it's all good.

today nothing special planned and my brother's last night here. they plan on making dinner so I can easily bring my own...I love that.

hope everyone has a good health filled day!

[pjena]

(control issues much?!)

Me, too. Funny how at the beginning, asking so many questions is uncomfortable and at the end, it's hard not to ask!

[Jtandi]

I know! I am going to ask a FEW questions next time! especially because, after I wrote this, I looked in the mirror and my face is puffy today. so SOMETHING was in my food yesterday, not sure what...

[Jtandi]

yesterday was a super stressful day. I did some blood work in the morning and had to go straight to my daughter's playgroup, so I didn't eat breakfast until almost 11am. big mistake for me, I really have found I need to eat within 1 hour of waking or I am a crank monster. during said playgroup I found out my older daughter didn't move up to team with her gymnastics, but three other girls in her group (pre-team) did. I was livid, she has been told for the past 9 months that she will be moving up. when I found out who one of the girls was I was shocked. so when I came home I emailed the coach my opinion of the move and was so worked up I could barely eat. but I had my standard breakfast

I realize my stress was the catalyst for eating a small amount of chocolate. I was totally aware of it and I made the decision to do it anyways. I had a small chocolate bar in the freezer and I ate about 1/3. I did put it down after that, but I really can't start going down the "oh, I'm super stressed and I have my period" excuse. that snowballs. so when confronted with the same feeling later in the evening before bed I opted for some water and brushing my teeth. I felt so much better!

we had family dinner last night so I was able to bring my own food. I had 1/2 leftover chicken breast with dates and shallots, and then pulled out the last of my butternut squash soup and threw a couple spicy sausages in it. because I had eaten breakfast so late I didn't eat a third meal, so my evening meal was pretty big. I didn't have any veggies to make, so the only veg I had was the soup. not really my ideal, but better than nothing. I am off to the grocery store today to stock up. I work tomorrow so I want some things done and made. I have to restock my butternut squash soup since it is by far my favorite and easiest think for a pull out of the freezer and eat meal.

today is a new day. the coach is going to meet with me at 5:30. I actually didn't sleep last night because I was so worked up about this. oddly my daughter seems to be totally fine with it, so keeping a straight face and not talking about it in front of her has added to my stress. if she's not bummed I don't want her to be. they said she "might" move up in June. yeah, you've been telling me "most likely" for the past 9 months. just move her already. not the cousin of the coach. just sayin'

today I will be taking a nap with the baby before CF! I can tell you that!!!

[Jtandi]

holy God I finally got to the grocery store yesterday...I had NO food in the house and had eaten the last of my chicken. WF had some hot wings with no sugar listed as an ingredient. I am hoping that they were telling the truth! I'm not currently on a whole30, but still, I am really trying to stay away from any added sugar as of now. I got some green cabbage salad with it and that had a little honey in the dressing, so I was watching everything else.

got home and got to throw together a huge pot of soup, and my favorite chicken recipe. some good asparagus with OO, s&p, and a little parm cheese. I made some beets but they were done too late, so I have them today for lunch. I have a couple other things I need to cook up but that was all I could muster last night.

I met with my daughter's gymnastics coach yesterday. it was so super emotional for me. I know that she's only 8 and that there will be many many hard decisions and challenges in her life. I know that this is harder for me than it was for her, so part of my struggle is learning from her to roll with it, accept, and move on. she was happy to cheer her friends onto team, although I think it caught up to her on the way home, she did start crying and said how it wasn't fair.

the coach said nothing unexpected - he tests them once, if they do what he wants they move, if they don't then they don't. one kid has a good day she moves, one has a bad day and she stays. as hard as it is that is how it will be when she competes. it's just frustrating. like I said to her - she just like meets - she does good she places, she does bad she doesn't. she will have another try at making it to team in a couple weeks. I did cry when talking to the coach. my emotions are so raw. but I would rather that than stuff them down with some sugar and cake and everything else I would've used before. I was upset. it's ok. my daughter cried in the car on the way home. I'm super fortunate once we got home one of her friends from school happened to be in our neighborhood and they went swimming in the pool for an hour or so, and she got to hang out with our neighbors who are like family. a great distraction and way to say "SEE, you get a couple more weeks of swimming in the evening if you want! then when you move over to team you will be out of school so you can swim during the day!"

it is just so obvious to me that this is all about my ego and my own feelings of being inadequate. I want so bad to have her know how amazing she is. I want everyone to know. and I'm not in control of the situation, so I have to let go of it. it's painful on so many levels.

I have continued in my chocolate nibbling at night, a couple small squares of dark chocolate. I am exhausted at work today (nothing like a good emotional hang-over) and went downstairs to the get a cup of coffee, of course I am used to hazelnut milk but I didn't bring any, so I threw some whole milk and two sugar packets in there (large cup) and I can't drink it. it's nasty. so into the trash. oh well.

[Jtandi]

I'm feeling a little less emotionally raw today, so that's a good start. what's not a good start is having something different for breakfast. ok...it's not HORRIBLE, but it felt off. daughter has been begging for pancakes since, well, since January 1 when I quit having anything remotely close to resembling them in the house, so today I got on paleOMG and made her banana vanilla bean pancakes. with berry compote. and it was AMAZING! this is why I don't make these things, she somewhat tolerated them, I ate more than I wanted but not enough to get me full, and I was hungry again by 11am. so, I ate my "normal" breakfast of 3 eggs and sweet potato hash then. problem is we went out to dinner tonight and it was late by the time we got there. I didn't eat anything unusual (burger w/o bun and came home and had some cauliflower since I didn't feel the lettuce/tomato/onion were nearly enough veg) had some chocolate (now this bar is gone. I have another one in the freezer. boo bad idea) and am off to bed, but just starting with the pancakes throws a wrench in my whole day. I would love to be at a place where I don't have a ton of guilt for having pancakes for breakfast once in a while. and I did try to sit down and actually enjoy and eat them (of course I was the one cooking them, so, as usual, I'm eating while standing in the kitchen cooking). onward to tomorrow...

[Jtandi]

btw I am exhausted but continue to go to bed too late (11? seriously??). so off to bed.

[pjena]

but just starting with the pancakes throws a wrench in my whole day.

I can't tell you how many times that has happened to me! The whole day is easier if I start with good, healthy choices.

[Jtandi]

happy cinco de mayo! I celebrated today by having corn for the first time since ending my whole100. we went to Chevy's for dinner. it is one of those places I cringe at eating at because I am quite certain all of their food has been dredged in MSG and marinated in soy or something horrible. that being said, I sucked it up for the family and threw on my sombrero. just kidding. I didn't wear my sombrero.

breakfast: ahhh back to my eggs w/ sweet potato hash

I had a late breakfast (around 10:30) and had to get to my daughter's school to decorate doors for teacher appreciation week at 2, I wasn't hungry but knew I would be so I had some nuts and banana and coconut butter. then we went out to dinner at...Chevys

I had chips and salsa. a lot of them. then some tortilla soup. and the chicken fajita salad. the salad was pretty good. the reality is I know there was sugar in the dressing. I am pretty certain I stayed away from gluten, but have no idea if there was soy in the marinade or dairy somewhere. I am treading lightly waiting for a bomb to explode just in case. but in reality I just feel super bloated with a big food baby. and not a happy food baby.

that being said, I was pretty pleased with the choices I made. I spent a lot of time looking at the menu and finding what I thought would be best for me and my dietary needs.

[Jtandi]

interesting factoid - I woke up STARVING today. hmmmm.....

[Beets]

I didn't eat breakfast until almost 11am. big mistake for me, I really have found I need to eat within 1 hour of waking or I am a crank monster.

This is probably the single biggest source of problems in my w30 and after--eating breakfast too late. It really screws with my entire day, even till bedtime. I am snacky, pissed off, nauseated, unsatisfied, tired and feel draggy. I am trying to make timely breakfast a bigger priority in my mornings but, yeah, it's so hard sometimes.

Reading about your daughter's gymnastics I am so feeling for you! My kids are still little but I know I will get all jammed up about stuff like that. I already do. My husband has put the kibosh on any more "gifted and talented" talk in our house. (Clearly, my son didn't get in even though we thought he had it in the bag. I guess most parents do...) Anyway. It is really so hard to separate your own ego when dealing with kids. My mom did it with us and I SWORE I would not--but I do it anyway.

I guess it's just about awareness, awareness, awareness and making little strides in the right direction.

Reading about your chocolate adventures I am regretting what I just did: melt some 82% chocolate, mix with raisins and cashews because I really really wanted it. Argh. I felt so much better totally off sugar and I need to get back there.

[melbournegirl]

Glad your menu choices worked out Jess, I had a similar experience, not perfect but a good compromise, it's a nice feeling! I am really happy with the place I am in now after a whole100 compared to the end of my prior/only whole30. I think you will find yourself in an even better place after your June whole30. I am tempted to join you but really I'm not having much not compliant food, a few mouthfuls of wine a week, some 85% chocolate and an occasional potato... Some swypo meals and snacks but not really significant.

I find if I keep my sleep at 8 hours and keep my exercise reasonable, not too much, not too little and not too hard I can coast through pretty easily. If I keep an eye on fat and carbs I do lose weight. I might try the IF a bit to see if that triggers weight loss. I do think I eat too much on the whole30, ie eat when not hungry because I worry I will get too hungry and blow it, so might be good to start experimenting a bit. I am quite small, 158cm and gain weight easily due to digestion issues. At least eating whole30 it goes onto the right places, butt and thighs rather than stomach... But still.... Must mean I am eating more than I need.

[LadyM]

Glad your menu choices worked out Jess, I had a similar experience, not perfect but a good compromise, it's a nice feeling! I am really happy with the place I am in now after a whole100 compared to the end of my prior/only whole30.

If I keep an eye on fat and carbs I do lose weight. I might try the IF a bit to see if that triggers weight loss. I do think I eat too much on the whole30, ie eat when not hungry because I worry I will get too hungry and blow it, so might be good to start experimenting a bit. I am quite small, 158cm and gain weight easily due to digestion issues. At least eating whole30 it goes onto the right places, butt and thighs rather than stomach... But still.... Must mean I am eating more than I need.

I would love to hear more about the differences for you between 30 and 100 days. I'm on day 28 and while I've had lots of positive effects, weight loss doesn't seem to be one of them. I'm planning to keep going, and would love to hear more about what's been working for you.

[melbournegirl]

Hi ladyM, hindsight is a wonderful thing. I reckon the whole100 really only achieved two things for me. Recognition that it takes time to make permanent changes, and understanding my most important goal... Which turned out to be to become a person who pretty much only eats real food and accepts that trying to compromise only compromises my health and my motivation, that it doesn't matter that other people can do it, and that the only way I can live stress or guilt free is to know that what I eat isn't going to contribute to future health problems. I want to lose some weight, but not at the expense of being heathy and stable. I am not going to weigh myself or not eat when I need food so that means I will focus on good choices, the right exercise and quality sleep. Good luck for your endeavours.

[Jtandi]

LadyM - I agree with Juzbo even though I don't have a whole30 to compare to. I really saw changes in my body literally the final two weeks of our whole100. and, for me, I REALLY needed to solidify these habits and changes in my diet. being completely aware of the change in my life took me 100 days but honestly I am looking forward to seeing how 30 days goes next time.

Justine - come on. you know you want to! I would love to have your company again on my journey. I must say I am not too far off from 100% compliant but I don't want to be.

Beets - argh. yes. I think my daughter is amazing and perfect and shits rainbows with pots of gold at the end. unfortunately other people are not aware. it's such a hard balancing act deciding when to step in and when to let go. when to stand up for her and when to know she's totally fine taking care of herself. I decided to make a couple appointments at two other local gyms to have her evaluated in the off chance she doesn't move over to team at her current gym. and I would really just like to hear another coach's opinion, and I have a friend who was a gymnast, she's going to meet me at one of the evals and has promised to be totally and completely honest.

why? WHY? why don't I learn not to make muffins?! I made delicious paleo lemon blueberry muffins again today and ate 3. completely unnecessary. and I am unwilling to throw them away. I did bring 4 over to my parent's house. so at least I got rid of some, right? and hubby is downstairs right now probably downing a few, so there will only be a few left tomorrow.

this morning I had my breaky ON TIME. I asked the bebe if she wanted some eggs, she said yes, she always eats all my frickin eggs. so today I made 4 instead of 3. I threw in a little more sweet potatoes than normal. then she didn't eat any. and I ate ALL of it. realization: I have gained muscle mass in the past 4 months. I am hungry. more hungry. and eating that this morning made me realize that I hold on to what I "normally" eat rather than eat until I feel satisfied. I had a great lunch, too. and I felt fantastic.

I'm realizing that after this whole100 I was mentally going back to "oh I'd better eat less to make sure I don't gain weight back" mentality. I wasn't trusting myself or the process and I was cutting back on what I was eating to try to keep the weight loss going. great realization and back to listening to my body and eating when hungry feels good.

AND I DID MY FIRST DOUBLE UNDER TODAY! and then I kept hitting them. I wish I had a picture of my face, I'm sure it was as beautiful as the rainbow that comes out of my daughter's arse.

[Jtandi]

OH, and to pound home my realization of my old patterns of trying to cut back on my intake to ensure no weight gain I read on FB a friend of mine had just lost 23 pounds by restricting calories and his comment was something about how the "hard part" is about to start - the maintenance. yeah, glad I don't have to worry about that. it was such a comfort to know that I'm not about maintaining or continuing counting calories or anything else, I can just keep eating exactly how I am, which is delicious and satisfying and totally sustainable!

[LadyM]

Thanks, Jess and Juzbo for your replies. I just finished my first Whole30 and have distinctly not shrunk one little bit. Trying to decide how best to move forward at this point. . . .

[Jtandi]

LadyM - do you need to shrink any? just curious, you look fantastic in your photo. I actually think I need to lose about 15 more pounds, but we'll see what my body does. did you lose any inches? and are you continuing on at all?

[LadyM]

I didn't weigh or measure at the start so I'm merely going by how my clothes fit and how my body feels. No shrinkage and no pounds lost; maybe even a gain, who knows. I'm in the high 150s to low 160s, I think; and I'm a muscular 5'4". I should be around 145 to be in the high end of the healthy range. I think I likely will continue on. Perhaps my gut needs more work than I realized. . . .

And sorry for highjacking your thread! (But thank you for sharing your experience and kindness!)