Look ma, no hands!

[pjena]

Great job realizing the coffee wasn't that good and dumping it!

And great idea to bring food to the get-together. Just eat your food and don't let yourself get into a debate (with yourself) about eating anything else.

The guest thing is why I secretly see my 8yo's allergies as a good thing. Nobody argues with food allergy. I can get away with a lot of food requests that I might otherwise not feel comfortable making.

I hope you feel better! You can blame me. I blame LadyM for my cold. Viruses totally travel over the internet, right?

[Nadia B]

Just dropping a quick line. It's rainy here and I am sleepy. New coffee shop has opened next door from my office. Perfect justification for a cup coffee. I have walked in three coffee locations on my way to work. I didn't buy a coffee, because all I saw was you pouring that cup in the sink. Thank you.

Get better and good luck with making it through the weekend. Don't stress if something won't go as planned, deal?

[LadyM]

I blame LadyM for my cold. Viruses totally travel over the internet, right?

I would not in any way say what I had was a cold. Nope, not taking the blame!

[Beets]

Thanks, Nadia. I decided to draw the line at grains. I keep thinking that it takes months for the gut to heal after an exposure to gluten. And I don't want to go backwards. So glad my coffee dump helped you. It's rainy here this morning and I'm so tempted.

Yesterday I ate:

-l/o star anise beef stew with carrots over sautéed cabbage, NO MORE GREEN TEA after a bad night of sleep. panic. Try chai w coconut milk? CM was open in fridge and might be bad but it was nasty. Settled for peppermint tea.

Some days I'm ok without caffeine but I got maybe six hours of sleep and I was not ok. Went to a giant supermarket (Fairway) that has everything from grass-fed milk and local oysters to every flavor of Tide detergent. Giant store and I usually suffer brain melt 2/3 of the way through--even with a detailed, ordered list.

Y'day my son was putting pickles from the open bin into his pocket. Later he was grabbing chocolate candies from the bulk trail mix. (The bulk section is as big as my apt--used to be nirvana when I ate grains and beans.) H eas hiding, climbing displays. They sell 15 proprietary varieties of EVOO (different regions, types of olives, all excellent) with a bread dipping/tasting station. It was hard to resist as my son and I always had a fun time "sampling" a few pieces with my favorite varieties as part of our shopping trip--and then eating a warm bagel with fresh butter (pumpernickel for me: mm) on picnic tables on the water with a view of the Statue of Liberty and NY harbor.

But--they also sell very yummy olives (Castelvetranos are our faves) so we can have a picnic of those, provided I don't turn into the psychotic mom all the parents with one peacefully sleeping baby in a carrier stare at with disgust. Like I did yesterday.

-half a bar of 72% chocolate. Sweeter than what I've been eating. I melted some down and swiped it up with a couple prunes. This feels so piggy to me, but it's so yummy. Actually, even though I usually love prunes with dark choc it was too sweet. I ate it anyway. Fearing impending sugar withdrawal when we start AIP next week.

-roasted pork, sauteed cabbage, end of the star anise stew juices and carrots, kimchi, giant green tea

-ground beef browned in kids' burger grease, sweet pot, ghee, smoked salt

Came to my brother's house last night. I'm always a disorganized brain-malfunctioning stressball when it comes to getting the fam out the door--packing clothes, diapering stuff, bed time paraphernalia.

Add packing up compliant food? I was thinking, "i cant do this," which would be the usual segue to a total collapse of will. But i thought, "Yes, I can, calm down." I made the cooking liquid for my brisket, folded three loads of laundry, sautéed a half head of cabbage to eat today.

We got the kids in the car and got in the road, only to realize I'd left my ground beef and sweet pot in the microwave. Went back up. Didn't have the right keys. Went back up again, husband being unusually patient. Would've been so easy to leave it and eat the pizza everyone else was having. But no!

-half glass of white wine w mineral water

Went to bed at 1am. Dogs freaking out all night. UGH. But I love this balmy cool rainy weather.

Happy Saturday.

[Nadia B]

Seems like yestarday was a chocolate day for everyone... I am coming to the same thing about peppermint (any herbal) tea. They seem the only safe ones. Oolong midday wrecked my sleep. I am so looking forward to AIP10 to get back to normal.

Good that your husband wasn't contributing to the stress of a food incident. Enjoy the weekend!

[Jtandi]

I have drawn my line at grains, too. I actually haven't even tried rice. I didn't re-introduce them at all, I figured what's the point?

it's funny how those little traditions have a hard place in our hearts. I have some of those with my girls, but glad you found an alternative to keep the tradition of your little picnic while adjusting it to your change in food.

and YAY for going back for yourself to get your food and do what you need to do! I love the change in how we actually take care of ourselves without excuses or guilt (well...most of the time). something I never did before.

[LadyM]

Holy crap, Beets. You deserve a prize just for making it through. I have anxiety just reading about your day. Phew! Huge opportunity to give yourself credit here for the plethora of good food choices you made at every turn. And only a half glass of wine? Impressive. I would have been tempted to have a bottle after that day (and given that everyone around you was guzzling booze, I assume).

[pjena]

Great job talking yourself down and making and going back for your food! I am always super stressed when trying to get the family out the door, too!

[Beets]

Thanks guys.

About to sleep, drifting off, realized I made it through a family day of eating and drinking without any grains. I know it's a baby step but I am proud of myself. I'm always a "F it, it's a special occasion" person and this is huge for me.

Despite multiple glasses of (mineral water diluted) sangria (fruit only, no sugar) I didn't even nibble any of the bread-y dishes or desserts. I ate my brisket and cabbage for dinner. I'm going to sleep while the rest of the fam hangs out, and I don't feel like I'm missing anything. Me, the one who has to partake of everything, like its my last meal, and always be the last one standing.

[Moluv]

w30 changed you and made you value self-care over self-indulgence. It's a beetsiful thing.

[pjena]

Great job yesterday, Beets! Happy Mother's Day!

[Beets]

Happy Mother's Day to the mamas out there.

Had a good day. Spent a second night at my brother's place. He made a fire pit in the yard and we stayed up chatting (they were drinking while I ate my brisket and cabbage). Woke up, kept the dogs away from each other, finished some laundry. Then my husband, decidedly not a beach person, suggested we drive over the bridge to the beach. (My bro lives on the mainland, 10 mins from the beach where I spent summers and weekends, grew up, had all my firsts, etc.)

Lunch: hot dogs from a carhop place on the bay. It was fun for the kids. They ate very little. My dog refused a leftover hot dog--telling me a little too much about its contents. Does a XL side of sauerkraut count as a veg?

Then: Island Beach State Park (a wide strip of sand dune with native vegetation)--one of my fave places. I hadn't been to the park since the hurricane. We saw a couple foxes and took the dogs up to the beach. There was some damage where the ocean busted through, but the dunes survived much better than the houses.

Went past my parents' gutted to the beams beach house. Some of the native perennials I planted in my mom's garden were coming up: nature is amazing. Then drove through towns I hadn't seen yet; many were blocked to the public till recently and some roads are still impassable. Wow. Everything looked normal and then, holy crap, there were blocks where all the houses were twisted around, sidewise, half collapsed. This was today--all these months later.

My jaw was open. I didn't want to scare my son but Holy God. It was horrifying. Especially the area where blocks of bungalows had burned to the ground, lined with tiny American flags. I pulled out my phone, like a disaster tourist, and took a few pics of the giant beach-front houses in Mantaloking that were wiped out.

This was surrounded by other houses, completely gone:

The ocean took back what was hers for sure:

Ended the day with a roast chicken, salad, bathtime, husband putting away laundry and GOT. Happy for the little things.

Tomorrow I will catch up with you all. Zzzz.

[Moluv]

Great pics, fascinating and horrible. The video didn't play, sadly.

The beach where you had all your firsts, magic.

[Beets]

Hmm. Not sure about embedding vids. It's just a tiny blip of my kids. Nothing too exciting.

[pjena]

Nature is pretty awesome (in the true sense of the word not the surfer dude sense of the word). My hometown flooded last spring, and though it was on a much smaller scale than NY, it was surreal to see the damage to places I had been so familiar with - roads I had ridden on every day of my childhood, etc. After seeing how bad my little town was, I could better understand what was happening in NY, but it was still so hard to wrap my head around how big the damage was. So sad!

Super cute kid bath pic! I love those!

Great job sticking to your plan this weekend! You inspire me with your dedication!

[Beets]

I think that unless it's a place you know and love it's hard to really feel the impact. Not to say people don't empathize or feel the horror of it, but it is just so much more affecting when it's a place where you know every street name, every deli, every weird pink and purple house with a mermaid statue with water shooting out of her boobs (this is NJ!).

I mean I looked at the photos of KAtrina or floods in the midwest and thought, oh god that is horrible, but to see the blocks where my friends' lived where every house is twisted like it was made of paper, or smashed to pieces and imagine that it was only water. Nature is truly awesome--in the not surfer sense.

[Beets]

My dinner was yummy (brisket, cabbage slaw with Sunshine Sauce, broth simmered with kombu) but I had to chuck a pack of pastured chicken thighs I let go bad. My husband was giving me shit (mildly) about spending $260 at the grocery store and not getting any meat. (I'm not sure what I bought either! It was all on my list but I seem to have an empty fridge.)

Sunday at the beach was lovely but I missed my grass-fed meat stand stop and have no protein for the week, except a portion each of brisket and pork I pulled from the freezer.

PMS panic is starting to set in. I'm feeling guilty about spending so much $ on food. I'm feeling pissed at myself for eating so much crap this weekend (dairy and egg in a frittata, the sangria, licks of a butter brown sugar dipping sauce my mom made for some glutinous concoction). There was also the hot dog and fries that seemed coated in something (flour??). And then the decaf coffee with cream I drank on the way home. Then, insult to injury, the red peppers I ate last night with mayo.

My psoriasis was looking so much better and now it's angry, red and itchy. Feels like back to square one.

Worst part is, I have no idea what the culprit is! Could be all or one or a combination or just from staying up late Fri night and not sleeping. Or, hope hope, whatever detergent I last used to wash my old high-waisted jeans I fit into today for the first time since I got pregnant with my daughter? (They aren't the most flattering, I bought them before I got pg the first time when high-waisted pants first came back into style. Still I am psyched they fit.)

Grr.

AIP here I come.

[Beets]

I ate

-coconut butter and ... a tiny square of dark chocolate (just dumb brainless old habit of chocolate gnawing after waiting too long to eat. but first thing in the am??)

-managed to exercise (not counting dog and kid walks) for the first time in a week

-pork and avocado

-son's pre-k Mother's Day celebration. Didn't plan this at all! I volunteered to bring veg and dips, didnt make my mayo dip as planned, got paranoid about making someone sick with raw egg, brought hummus instead..)

Lots of Indian and middle eastern food--meat, rice biryani. I ate some crazy spicy chicken and thighs and tabbouli (with frigging bulgur wheat!? Bc I felt bad not eating and being rude?!). Interesting how the kids from other cultures were chomping away at chicken thighs, leaving not a speck of flesh, and the others were picking at rice and eating three pieces of veg.

At least I didn't have a cupcake. My usual practice would be to use something like his as an excuse to eat total crap.

-coconut cream blackberry honey "ice cream" (had to finish it before AIP!)

-radishes dipped in tarragon/shallot mayo, sunshine sauce over cabbage with brisket and sautéed pineapple (delicious but I completely overate)

impending AIP has become excuse to eat junk. Feel stuffed like a sausage. Haven't felt that way in weeks and weeks. It feels awful.

Zzzzz.

[Nadia B]

I sort of did the same - last chocolate in the am, finishing box of strawberries after dinner. Tomorrow is a new day and it will be better. 10 days after it will be fantastic. Ginger tea will help full tummy tonight. Cupcake would be brutal, but you didn't eat it. Success!

[Beets]

Thanks, N.

Really beating myself up over the bulgur wheat. it was very parsley heavy but did have some specks of bulgur. I was so proud of my weeks without any glutinous grains. I off roaded but never as far as wheat. Now back to day 0 no wheat.

But AIP. New start. Day 0 for other things too.

[Moluv]

I must confess I used the days leading up to this to indulge in a forbidden treat: cholula hotsauce. I have not eaten nightshades already for such a while I kind I did my own pre-test. My knees hurt. I spent a lot of time in lotus position today so...who knows.

I think your day of eating looks really good for off-roading. You have high standards so its like freak out mode over the wheat. It was minuscule. You'll be fine. Cupcakes though. I would have a hard time from refraining from a stern talking to if you ate a cupcake.

Maybe you can wear that leotard you bought for Halloween with the high waisted jeans (you little Brooklyn hipster you!)

[Beets]

Ha! I have a little more baby pooch to lose before I can stuff myself into that size L leotard--but maybe soon?

You are right about the bulgur. It's just a little. I just have envy of people saying things like, "I haven't eaten grains in two years." Maybe envy isn't the right word there (inspired by instead of envious of?), but I am generally an envious person. Something else I can work on through hypnosis? I think the Gratitude mp3 I had worked on this issue...

Much self-improving to do. At least I'm working on it and not curled in a ball feeling sorry for myself, as I was three months ago.

[Nadia B]

I ended up getting two giant steaks. As I have no clue how to prepare them I asked google. Read a post from paleo blogger and she says:

If you are not a parent, let me explain.....grocery shopping with two or more young kids is about as easy and enjoyable as doing your taxes while someone beats you in the face with a toilet bowl brush. Ponder that for a bit.

Had to share.

[pjena]

Ha! So true, Nadia! It gets better when they get older, though. You can send them to the toy section of Target while you shop in peace.

[Beets]

That sounds about right!

Well today I finally did a guided mediation I found online. It was called Forgiveness for Depression. Intense and made me cry, but I do feel calmer. And at one point during the exercise I did in fact feel "saturated with loving kindness."I will most definitely continue. Glad I finally made the time to so this. It is necessary.