Look ma, no hands!

[Beets]

Did some more meditation today. This one was an Intense Breathing exercise. There were several warnings in the beginning alerting the listener to forthcoming emotional release. It was very intense indeed.

I don't feel happier. But I feel more grounded. More me. There is a big piece of accepting yourself and everything you've done and feel. It is a radical concept for me. I usually push things down with wine, reading, researching, my phone (like, um, obsessively checking in on this forum) or obsessing over new projects.

I tend to get hypomanic this time of year. (I have bipolar type II, the mania is not as intense as regular bipolar.) It's at once exhilarating and terrifying feeling. There was a piece in the Times recently written by a woman with BPII and it haunts me. Scares the shit out of me. I've never been psychotic but what a fine line exists.

I skipped breakfast and part of the hypomania is not being hungry--but then I get scattered, anxious and agitated in the afternoon, too jammed up to get anything done. There is also the problem of distinguishing hypomania from "not depressed." (What does it feel like to be happy? That said, I lack a feeling of calm.)

Anyway. I think this meditation project will be very helpful. I also came across a Buddhist podcast called Zencast that fascinates me. I studied religion in college (and was on track for academia) but studied the Western philosophy angle more than Eastern thought. Still, I have always been drawn to Buddhist thought.

If I didn't have to cook for my family I think I'd be fine eating lamb and cabbage for every meal. Maybe some brisket. But it's hard to focus on self-healing when you aren't alone. I pine for a week alone in the woods. I would take photos and maybe even write or read and go for long walks. Sounds like bliss.

[Moluv]

"But it's hard to focus on self-healing when you aren't alone"- TRUTH.

The whining, crying, feeding, bathing, shuttling, amusing, consoling...it goes on and on. It's draining. Sleep don't come easy. I can sympathize. You ARE healing though. It doesn't always feel good. It doesn't even pay off right away but watching from the outside (through this little tiny window of the Internet) I've seen a big transformation happening with you. Little subtle things. Things that you won't notice when you are watching closely everyday, but it's happening.

[Beets]

Thank you!

When I almost dived into a chocolatey sweet treat yesterday I just kept thinking I don't want to undo the work I've done.

I also feel like things are changing.

[LadyM]

I pine for a week alone in the woods. I would take photos and maybe even write or read and go for long walks. Sounds like bliss.

Could you give yourself this? I'm serious. Could your folks (or someone) look after your kids for a week and you book yourself into a retreat center of some sort for a week in the not-too-distant future? If you could, how might it change things for you?

I just booked myself a cabin the first week of July to get fully situated with my writing project. Having that to look forward to is a wonderful thing.

It seems like you have an answer. Now you just need to manifest it. Meditation sure is powerful.

[Nadia B]

I really don't know how you guys with families are doing it. I admire you. Today I downloaded all th podcasts from paleo mom I haven't lietned yet. There was a letter from a woman who said that she feels guilty for taking care of herself first because she has family etc. Stacey (co host) is like full time, 3 kids, writing book and blog etc. She was telling how her mother (mother of their guest? listened as backgtound) went for swimming everyday no matter what. It was her alone time. Is there anything that you could make a ritual? I think it's a brilliant idea.

And yeah, well done with the leg pic. I only wish you've pointed te toe Kidding. You know what was my second thought after the point one? Oh, she has pretty ankles.

[Beets]

If I had a pool, I would swim from after dinner till bed. That would be amazing.

But along general lines of self-care my husband is very supportive of me going to yoga or whatever exercise class. He will keep after me to go bc he knows I need it. But he works long hours and I can barely afford this high quality food, nevermind a babysitter. (We saw Star Trek Sat night, it was the first movie I'd seen in a theater since the last Stark Trek--two years ago.)

What I should do is take my daughter for a walk in the am while my husband has one-on-one time with my son. (He has behavior issues and this really helps and is important, or I would go out by myself and leave my daughter.) Or, I need to make a better effort to make dinner early so I can walk while my husband puts the kids to bed.

Daily time to yourself is important--critical. But it's finding that time that is so hard.

Ha about my ankles! I took about five photos and turned my leg at the right angle.

[Beets]

M1: lamb, cabbage, ginger, sauteed in lamb fat and CO

M2: raisins, olives (had no breakfast, this was a snack)

M3: AiP meatloaf w mushrooms, carrots, onions, herbs (no bacon), too much kombucha (tummy ache), sweet pot

[LadyM]

Ha about my ankles! I took about five photos and turned my leg at the right angle.

I am so mad at you for this right now. Take the compliment, woman, and own your pretty ankles!!

[Beets]

I am so mad at you for this right now. Take the compliment, woman, and own your pretty ankles!!

Haha. Thank you. You are right!

But, I have always hated my ankles and wanted longer lower legs. I have nice shoulders, nice collarbones, I have a nice butt. I have good cheekbones. These things I can own. Ankles require lighting and twisting and very tall heels.

[Moluv]

Haha. Thank you. You are right!

But, I have always hated my ankles and wanted longer lower legs. I have nice shoulders, nice collarbones, I have a nice butt. I have good cheekbones. These things I can own. Ankles require lighting and twisting and very tall heels.

Alright then put your money where your mouth is an cough up the booty pics

[Beets]

Alright then put your money where your mouth is an cough up the booty pics

HA!

Oh my, that made me laugh. And now I'm worrying that it's not that great. I have one mirror in my apt now (bathroom--not full-length) and it's hard to take a pic. Lol. I'll figure something out. I'm mostly basing this assertion on the fact that I've been told since I was a teenager that I have a nice butt. And guys driving by on the street? And--my husband. I can't believe I'm writing this...

[LadyM]

I think owning and confessing our feelings/attitudes about our bodies is a big deal. We send so much hatred to our own cells and there's evidence that it actually can change molecular structure. Amazing stuff. We'd all do well to focus on what we love AND to work on sending love to the parts we've actively hated for so long. Change the energy. I'm working on doing this with my belly.

An aside: my therapist tells a story about leading a women's group in which the 15 or so women each speak of hating their breasts. Fifteen different sets of breasts--too small, too big, too saggy, weird nipples, whatever--all hated and envied in the group. I believe this even more than diet and environmental toxins are at the root cause of breast cancer.

Another aside: I have dna that provides me with one of those pancake asses, which also blesses me with extraordinary flexibility in my hips and hamstrings. I've worked HARD for years to build that tushy. Hundreds of thousands of squats and lunges. Just sayin' that at one point I would have traded my slim ankles and shapely legs for your bubble butt. Now? Now I'll admire your butt photos and work on appreciating my body in its entirety.

[Beets]

Fascinating. Lady M you are blowing my mind today.

I've always hated my lower legs--and guess where my psoriasis is located.

[LadyM]

From Louise Hay, psoriasis:

probable cause: Fear of being hurt. Deadening the senses of the self. Refusing to accept responsibility for our own feelings.

new thought pattern: I am alive to the joys of living. I deserve and accept the very best in life. I love and approve of myself.

also, see: skin problems (hives, psoriasis, rash):

probable cause: anxiety, fear. Old, buried guck. I am being threatened.

new thought pattern: I lovingly protect myself with thoughts of joy and peace. The past is forgiven and forgotten. I am free in this moment.

[Moluv]

I used to have the Louise Hay book and I've been thinking about for Beets and wondering what the affirmation might be. I'm glad you are into hibiddy dibbidy stuff too.

[Moluv]

And beets the stuff about stuffing old feelings seems spot on for you as it is what you mentioned your meditations were bringing forth. Dig deep and let it out girl. You'll be fine. As my old therapist used to tell me "our emotions are what let us know we are ALIVE"

[Beets]

Thank you so much guys. Your posts made me tear up because they ring so true.

Kind of scary, actually, how spot on the first psoriasis write-up is. I was thinking exactly of the meditation and the things that have been on my mind in the last few days. I'm going to check out that book.

[Beets]

Sweet pilates class today. Was a smaller class than the Sat equipment class I've gone to a few times. The teacher was harder. Dang! My legs and belly were shaking most of the class. Loved it. Wish I could go weekly, but my kids are both home that time of day. I escaped today bc my parents were visiting.

My lunch was late and uninspired, as was my dinner. I had to dash out for the class and didnt eat. Had to grab dried peaches afterwards. What else can you grab on AIP? No nuts, no eggs.

I did however find a new butcher--just as I'm deciding I cannot afford all GF and pastured meats if I want to pay my bills and clothe my children, I find an amazing butcher with pastured poultry, beef, pork and lamb. They sell all kinds of pre fab meat dinners (taco & other AIP banned meat mixes, beef and sugar-free bacon burger patties!). Plus GF local dairy, bones, bone broth, etc. Heaven! Well, except the price tag.

I got my brisket. pork chops, chicken thighs, chicken liver, and 2 lbs of dog food meat (chicken, beef, beef liver, finely ground bones). My girls are still licking the floor. Happy doggies!

Ugh. Tomorrow I will eat more veg and drink more water. Low energy day.

-l/o meatloaf, sweet pot

-3 dried peach halves

-sautéed lamb, sweet pot

-ditto

[Moluv]

Beets re: Michael Pollans superior gut flora: for people who don't tolerate grains that intestinal fermentation does cause the baddies to overtake the goodies so, I think to each their own. I need to finish the article. But I do hope he referenced other WOE as well, to not do so seems a disservice to this rather complex topic.

My microbiota stages a loud and riotous protest against some of my behaviors this weekend. I believe drinking created some low level intestinal inflammation which set the stage for fodmaps sensitivities which I had not experienced in a while. So much bloating (it was warm enough to wear my fave denim baby doll jumper so I convalesced in stylish comfort), so much farting. Brainfog, anxiety, short temper, skin crawling- the works. Was it broccoli or celery or onions or all or other, ill never know. But booze is no-go. And if the only item on the social agenda is drinking ima pass. I have other ways to have fun. In so. Over. It.

What I ate:

M1: roasted sweet pot (1/2), Caesar dip, sautéed squash in coconut oil, chai tea w honey and coconut milk.

M2: brisket with Aip safe BBQ sauce, roasted veggies (asparagus, carrot, cabbage, broc, coconut oil)

M3: brisket, few more veggies, cream of celery soup (reduced bone broth, coconut milk, celery, onion), peppermint ginger tea with honey

M4: 5 cherries, small handful Carmelizes coconut

[Moluv]

Oops sorry Beets I thought I was posting in the group log!

[LadyM]

Haha! Glad it's not just me hijacking threads lately.

Beets, you've got a couple lucky dogs! I used to do pilates at home quite regularly. Good stuff. Congrats on finding a new butcher and finally getting your supply up. You'll be so happy with that brisket, as you well know.

[Beets]

Read the butcher's website last night before bed. The cows are grass-fed and grain-supplemented. (I guess they are all GF in summer and early fall. But other GF cows are given dried grass in the winter, not grains.)

That means I paid as much for a grain-finished piece of brisket that I pay the farmers' market ppl for all grass-fed. Stupid fancy neighborhood jacked up prices! (Not my hood--.)

Boo! When the place has "GRASSFED MEAT" signs all over the place I incorrectly assumed they were on the up and up. Will I ever learn to ask the right questions? Still, it's a good place to know about.

[Moluv]

Argh, I know the feeling! The place I was getting what I thought (and had been told was) grass FINISHED beef, isn't at all- just a bunch of teenage girls that don't know what they are talking about.

I have two other ranches I know about I can get grass finished- one is about 30 minutes drive, not bad, and a dear acquaintance that also runs a horse rescue, so I love supporting her.

The other is 2 hours away, and they make a monthly delivery. Not only do I not have the freezer space for all that meat at once, I usually don't have $800 (or more!) for a month of meat at once (they don't even take credit cards), or I miss their delivery due to schedule conflicts.

Last night I bought another factory farmed hunk of pork roast, and tried to find something on the internet with which to console myself that it really wasn't as bad as the hype, etc. But it IS is as bad as all the hype. It's not even hype. I can't buy that stuff again. I had a little meltdown and told my husband that I might finally be ready to move out to our land in the country (off the grid, solar, water catchment, composting toilet, earth building project looming over us) despite the fact we would have to live in our travel trailer while we build to do so. We tried it once. I hated it. I rented a house in town. It almost split us up. Life out there is harsh, we have only baby trees, little shade, the wind blows like no other and we are surrounded by literal white trash that likes to stand at the back door shooting their pistols at defunct refrigerators. I just want to raise my own meat so bad, it's what makes the most sense for us. And with two growing boys, how can we keep up with eating this way? Not by buying $10 (or more) a pound gf meat from the Natural Grocers. And the organic produce! Don't even get me started. We plant a $60 heirloom apple tree and it will produce thousands of pounds of apples over the years. So the country life awaits me. A hard, hot, windy, brittle country life, but each trip to the market sends me one step closer.

[pjena]

Bummer about the butcher! That seems like false advertising. Our beef is coming today. 1/2 a grass fed cow will be in my freezer when I get home. Yay! I admin that I actually looked for grass fed grain finished beef because my husband doesn't like the taste of grass fed only. But, I couldn't find any. My criteria was happy pastured cows not on a feed lot that were then finished with corn, but I guess that don't exist - grain finished means CAFO around here. Luckily, my husband agreed to go my way instead of conventional beef. He's very tolerant of my food whims. LOL I guess we're lucky to have access to farmers and to have a freezer! I wish I could share with you.

[Beets]

Wow. That sounds hard, but amazing.

Before I got pg with my son we were talking about buying land upstate. My husband is a carpenter by trade so we just wanted a sewage hookup. Then I got knocked up and quit my job, giving up any extra money in our budget.

But I've always wanted to move upstate and have chickens and bees. Not sure if I could do cattle. But at least we'd be closer to cattle and could have room for that share of beef. (If not the cash for it. And I feel you there. I couldn't even join the CSA bc they don't take cards and I don't have that much cash up front.)

Reminds me though of a great story on This American Life where these NYers moved to Maine to build their dream house. They were totally naive and it did break up their marriage. I'm sure you wouldn't be as clueless but it's a great story.

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/69/dream-house?act=1#play