Lexi's Log, first whole30

[LexiD]

First, a little background so if anyone's bored enough to read this, you can have context.

I developed IBS after some sort of hideous incident several years ago. I spent a summer being terrified of food, and only able to eat chicken broth and English muffins without pain.

The gastroenterologist I saw put me on meds. At that time, I was averse to the idea of being on a medication every day of my life: I felt there had to be some way I could control this. So I found Heather's amazing IBS site, with her lists of foods to eat and foods to avoid and her wonderful teas.

I took myself off my IBS meds, following her diet, and...it worked. This means, no red meat, no dairy, basically (two of my huge triggers).

I thought that was tough, but what can you say to results? I learned to live without cheese, and life wasn't as miserable as I'd feared.

Several years later I ran into a major energy slump. I went from exercising every day to...not at all. I had no energy. I'd come home from work and dinner would be made: all I'd have to do is serve some up from the fridge and reheat it and...it was too much effort. THAT is how little energy I had.

I was diagnoses with Hashimoto's. And, yeah, once again, medication for the rest of my life. I'm on two now, basically half of my thyroid comes from pills. (There's also four generations of thyroid cancer in my family). And I was okay with that (not really but close enough) until July, when I had such a flare of my Hashimoto's almost like not being on meds. Oh no! This was followed by a week of energy so high I felt manic.

Though I was glad for the energy, this is not acceptable. So I started doing research and cut gluten out of my diet, along with refined sugar. This was basically an entire change from my usual diet--IBS people are told to eat tons of whole grains because of fiber, etc. And so I figured it couldn't hurt to try.

A week later (and one absolutely MISERABLE day where I felt like a zombie, I started feeling better. So I decided I could do even more.

Though I have an autoimmune disease, I'm doing the regular whole30 first. Why? Because trust me, that'll be enough of an adjustment (going from gluten free to no grain!). I do plan on doing the autoimmune protocol in a few months, once I've gotten my head on straight.

Because, you see, there's another complication: I'm recovering from an eating disorder. It was mostly exercise-bulimia, but there was plenty of binging and fasting and other horrible things to try to drop weight. Food becomes an obsession, and even in recovery, it's a very wary friendship.

And I'm noticing it already. I will look at my plate of food (for example, lunch today was roasted chicken breast, fresh lettuce and some grapes) on a salad plate (no big dinner plate) and I will be SO HUNGRY and it looks so good and I'll eat it and then...instantly start feeling guilty. So much food! So much fat! I'm going to get gross and sloppy! Unless you've had an eating disorder, this might not make any darn sense to you.

But anyway, because of that, I need to heal my relationship with food even more than I need to try to fix my autoimmune disorder.

So, yeah, that's me, and I really only made this log (it's day 7 for me) because all of these issues are coming to a head and I need some place to dump them.

[ShannonM816]

Hi, Lexi. While I've never had a true eating disorder, I've certainly had a disordered relationship with food, and this paragraph really stood out to me:

 

And I'm noticing it already. I will look at my plate of food (for example, lunch today was roasted chicken breast, fresh lettuce and some grapes) on a salad plate (no big dinner plate) and I will be SO HUNGRY and it looks so good and I'll eat it and then...instantly start feeling guilty. So much food! So much fat! I'm going to get gross and sloppy! Unless you've had an eating disorder, this might not make any darn sense to you. 

 

 

I get the fear of so much food and fat. This way of eating goes against my years of low-fat diets, and I still sometimes worry about the amount of food we're supposed to be eating. There are lots of discussions on the forum about this, you can google Whole30 too much food to find them, but there's this one thread that I hope, when you worry about this, you'll refer back to and remind yourself that it's okay, and you don't need to feel guilty. Somehow, seeing the visual representation of a serving size of eggs (and reading that other people really do eat this many!) reminds me that I don't need to feel guilty about eating plenty of good food. Diets have often felt like punishments to me, so I've felt like if I wasn't hungry or if I actually liked the food, I must be doing something wrong, so this is something I struggle with sometimes.

[LexiD]

Okay, here's my food for the day

 

1) ground turkey (with spices), with 3/4 cup of steamed broccoli and an orange

2) roast chicken leg and thigh, salad, grapes.

3) egg scramble with mushrooms, tomatoes, and wilted lettuce with mixed berries

 

It doesn't look like much and honestly I'm FAMISHED for every meal, but then I eat and this whole cycle of guilt/shame/gross kicks in.  Am I this out of touch with feeling the 'good' kind of full?

 

It's strange because before this program I was almost never hungry--I'd eat because I was getting crabby, really.  But since I've started, it's like HEY WHEN IS IT FOOD TIME?

 

The good news is my snacking has gone to zero. It's bizarre because two weeks before I started I literally ate an entire package of Oreos (oh god how embarrassing) in one night (and now I know why I never felt 'full'), and I didn't have this cycle of 'you're going to get huge and gross.  I hope this passes. It's ridiculous and I realize it: I'm eating stuff that by ANY standards is healthy, in reasonable portions (maybe even small if I'm getting so dang hungry for the next meal), and like I said I am hungry for each meal.... I hope, I really hope, this psychological thing passes. 

[ShannonM816]

Be sure to go by the meal template for every meal. It really is okay to eat. You're eating enough if you can go 4-5 hours between meals comfortably, just getting hungry in time for your next meal. If you're hungry in less than four hours, you're not eating enough. If you need more reinforcement of that, try this topic, or this one (a food log -- but she puts pictures of a lot of her meals, so you get a visual), or this one (talks about portion sizes in relation to plate sizes). I know that doesn't necessarily make the guilt/fear/other feelings go away, but maybe looking at what is meant by a serving will help you get more comfortable with the amounts you can eat. 

 

(FYI -- I've eaten an entire package of oreos in one night before. I'm not proud of it, but I have, probably more than once. When I was still living with my parents, right after college, I would go to the store and buy a package of donuts or snack cakes or cookies and eat them in the car where no one could see me, and throw away the packaging/evidence before i got home so no one would know. And then eat supper with the family, if it was time to eat when I got home. So no one would know. Not exactly the high point in my life. I still haven't fixed all my eating problems, but when I stick to W30 eating, I feel more in control.)