ANFHardin Whole30 log - starting Day 8

[anfhardin]

Info, should anyone read this:

41, female, Austinite, four boys (3, 5, 7, 10), sweet, supportive husband who boulders and climbs 14ers but sometimes weighs less than his pack because he's gluten/dairy sensitive and just started eating clean this summer, 3 yr old (baby) probably celiac, GFCF since 13 months, 7 yr old GFCF since June (and reading for the first time - no coincidence.) Am often accused of being "extreme", am bitter and cynical about western medicine, and have not spoken of any other subject except my kids' food issues for six years. This makes me super fun to be around.

Medical issues: Recovering from extreme Adrenal fatigue, reactive hypoglycemic, low blood pressure, three degenerative discs with bone spurs and arthritis (L3-L5), wonkity sacrum. Spinal pain almost gone after Decompression, but sacrum goes out when dehydated.

All these things are awesome excuses not to exercise, which is beyond stupid, I know.

Should have done this last week. Will just use this to keep accountable and to spot any Larabar trends. Ha.

[anfhardin]

Wednesday 10/3 - Day 8

Br: coffee with coconut milk. blech. still hate it without sugar. but still love caffeine.

Not hungry. Still having some gastro issues. Deathly afraid of recurrent fissures.

Late Br: Torchy's - egg bowl with avocado, escabeche carrots, bacon, salsa. Realized halfway through that bacon was probably not compliant. But so tasty.

Lunch: Homemade Mexican Lime Soup:

Central Market chicken broth

1/2 lime juice

four spoonfuls of pico de gallo

1/4 c escabeche carrots (ordered extra at Torchy's)

salt & pepper

car snack: blueberry larabar (alarm sounds)

snack with boys: frozen blueberries with coconut milk - only had two bites before it got stolen.

D: roasted butternut squash (olive oil, sage, nutmeg), field greens, cukes, avocado, vinaigrette, sauteed spinach (olive oil, nutmeg). Fam had this plus sausage. Mindlessly ate off one kid's plate. Realized I do this all. the. time. Not Whole30 behavior, but I got lucky this time, as he only left the veggies. No pears sauteed in ghee with spices and coconut milk for him. Or me. Finished off with 8oz Gingerade Kombucha; read on someone's post that it has laxative properties.

Lots of water all day.

Extras: AM - adrenal supplements, warm water w/ pink salt, JP+, Mycocan-Chord, miralax, 10 prunes. PM - Vit D and magnesium.

Yes, I realize that's too much fruit and not enough protein. And a laxative. Worried about the **issue**. Upping mag hasn't helped.

[anfhardin]

SUMMATION OF DAYS 1-8

Not going on a bender the day before helped get through the first few days. Never been a morning person, and the taste of black coffee made me crankier than usual. Crashed everyday around 3pm, felt anxious, jittery, dehydrated. Would open the pantry and stand there saying "no", "no", "no" as I perused the shelves. Almost cried once. Ate several bananas with almond butter smeared down the side, but stayed "compliant", I think. Think most of this was sugar addiction. Allergens off-the-charts brutal for the past two weeks. Hard to tell what made me feel worse.

Hubs continued to eat chips and salsa every night on the couch, but I did OK.

Habits I never realized I had:

1. Licking my fingers. Licking spoons, Licking knives. Had to spit hummus out in the sink several times already. Last night had to spit out Chipotle Beanitos dust while packing the boys' lunches. Terrible, disgusting habit.

2. Eating a snack when they do, regardless of whether I'm hungry. Have been programmed to eat constantly because of the blood sugar, and automatically eat when there's food around.

3. Finishing off their plates. Usually decently healthy food, but it's totally mindless. Have no idea how much food I've consumed in centimeter morsels over the past 10 years.

All of these are habitual and unconscious. I've paid so much attention to my family's food over the years, obsessing over crumbs and dedicated fryers, and apparently haven't given much thought to my own. Will try to eat with gratitude and intention this week. Friends going on a blogger tour to Haiti, so I will try to think of them when I have a plate full of healthy, delicious food.

This forum feels like weird, voyeuristic therapy. I like it.

[Derval]

This forum feels like weird, voyeuristic therapy. I like it.

LOL!

Totally with you on the licking, picking & snacking, it's a Mom thing!

[Lyn1]

Your log is so fun to read! I totally get you. Just wait.....you'll learn to love that coffee and coconut milk. I now prefer it that way!

[anfhardin]

DAY 9

Meh.

B: normal supplements, salt water, coffee w/ coconut, 3 prunes, kombucha.

Snack: Miralax

L: 1/2 sweet potato w/ ghee, coconut & spices, 3 prunes, 2 tiny clementines, more kombucha.

Best efforts still in vain. Starting to worry about impaction. Energy level crap, obviously. May be a little high from the kombucha; not even enjoying it.

D: tonight is small group - everyone bringing pizza, but a salad should show up from one of the two happy herbivore families. Perhaps everyone could pray for my colon before we eat.

Thinking today of how my grandmother would feel about me speaking of such things. In public. Although I guess it's appropriate fodder on a forum dedicated to how food affects bodily functions of all sorts. RIP Mamaw. And my dignity.

Meh.

*Update*

Upon investigation into the bowels of this forum (heh), it turns out there are approximately 872 threads on poop. I don't feel nearly as undignified now. And although a decade of fissures is wretched, I am so grateful I am not battling IBS or Chohns or otherwise. It seems my issue is a common one, and this to shall pass (heh.)

[Lyn1]

Could the colon issues be because it's too much of a good thing in the kombucha? I've heard that too many probiotics can have a .....cleansing effect. Maybe add it in more gradually? I have to say, kudos to you for drinking the stuff. I tried it and I can't stand it! It tastes like vinegar to me.

[anfhardin]

Thanks for the advice - it feels odd that people actually read these (I am unable to speak to strangers IRL), but it's so nice to have feedback.

I'm just drinking one bottle a day, sporadically, and although it's not a staple, I was drinking (and enjoying) it before my W30. All that to say, I'm not introducing a new thing in massive amounts. I also take a high quality probiotic when I can remember. Upon further reflection, I think I had some issues before Day 1; was "regular", but not fully functional. I think I always had a two-day backlog going on, and never really cleared out. That was compounded massively by the influx of more meat sans digestive enzymes plus nutbutter and bananas. Hindsight is 20/20, but that lack of forethought may lead to an appointment with a colorectal surgeon. Blech.

I will also clarify that I don't ever use laxatives, but I had some from a long-ago cancelled colonoscopy (for once secretly grateful that BCBS doesn't ever cover anything) and the nurse advised that I use them. I think it's a moot point, since they're not working, anyways.

However, despite all the distress (my tummy sounded like an 18-wheeler last night), I don't feel so bad this morning. Not that things are better, but I don't feel terrible like yesterday. Perhaps I am reaping W30 benefits in all the other ways, which makes this unpleasant part more bearable. Who knew?

[Lyn1]

It was just a thought. Glad you're making progress. :-)

[anfhardin]

DAY 10

Shut up. It doesn't feel like 10 days at all. It's not easy, but it's not the valley of the shadow of death that I was expecting. Apparently, you can be tougher than you think when you don't feel like crap all the time. Veggies FTW.

B: coffee w/ coconut, salt water, normal supplements/vitamins

L: 1/2 sweet potato with 1/4c applesauce, coconut milk, spices

D: nada

D ammended: 1/2 avocado, 1/4c applesauce

Lots of water and a *very special addition* detailed below.

Still not having any success with constipation/blockage/whatever. Spoke to nurse today who recommended I do a colonoscopy "prep" without the actual procedure. Those people are masochists, BTW. Followed orders, still not better, booked an appt with surgeon on Monday. Not too worried about it - haven't had any other scary symptoms like localized pain or weight loss, but I'm not going to be stupid about this.

My worry is that being on a liquid/soft food diet is going to throw my metabolism off terribly, right when I was getting to the good stuff. There's not much I can do about it - blood pressure too low to really exercise, and staying close to the house *just in case*. Oh well. There are some real positives I can already see, so I know my body is responding to the nutrients and the lack of inflammatory food.

Pros:

• Hips have not hurt since Day 2. At all. They have hurt pretty much every day for over 10 years; bursitis, arthritis, psoas muscle, sciatica, serum sickness are a few of the diagnosis. I'm guessing it was that EVERYTHING WAS INFLAMED FROM CRAP FOOD AND SUGAR. Except the serum sickness. That was legit.
  
• Waking up is not the beat down it usually is. I could always sleep more, but I don't think I'm going to literally die at 6:40 every morning, and I'm not glaring at the children as much.
  
• Not having the horrible adrenaline surges at night. Usually, when I stay up too late, my body freaks out and starts pumping out cortisol and all his friends in an attempt to rally a second wind. The only affect I feel is the adrenaline in my stomach leading to nausea and a panicky feeling. In my younger, night-owl days I used to rally like a champ, but now it's just ugly. I haven't been going to bed early enough the past 10 days, but even when I stay up, things are staying even and I just feel regular tired.
  
• No tanking throughout the day. I used to feel it at 10, 2 and 4 - normal times, but it was mind-crushing fatigue. Haven't really even noticed that feeling for the past few days. This is remarkable, to say the least. Mind-crushing fatigue doesn't usually exit easily. I'm sure my husband doesn't miss those phone calls at 10, 2 and 4.
  

All in all, I'm quite pleased that I (1) made it 10 days, and (2) already feel better. Honestly, if I hadn't changed my diet, I probably wouldn't have been paying close attention to my daily habits, and I would have not called the doctor. Or if I had noticed, I would have been to tired to call the doctor. Whether or not something is wrong, this is still a blessing. Regardless of the gastro discomfort, I still feel a LOT better than I did a month ago (when I ate a Pop Tart and was literally hung over as if from bad tequila for two whole days.) True story.

Yea Whole 30! Boo colons.

[Derval]

Wishing you a healthy colon!

[anfhardin]

DAY 11

Got to sleep until 7:30. Wasn't dying for coffee (but had some anyways.) No pain, no stiffness; sacrum out a bit, but that's not unusual. Considering I haven't eaten much in three days, blood sugar still remarkably stable. Low, but stable. Blood pressure down, too, but it's always crazy low. Amazing how normal I feel. Is this how healthy people feel? I've suspected not everyone felt miserable all the time, but didn't even know how to imagine that. Also suspected that it was just the extreme athletes who felt this way, but in reality were just high on their own crazy, because no one could really have that much energy. It seemed unnatural.

B: coffee w/ coconut, 2 eggs w/ ghee, 1/4 avocado, 1/4c salsa, 1c blueberries.

L: 2c roasted butternut squash w/ olive oil & Chinese 5 spice. Um, yum.

D: Got sidetracked by UT game. Forgot to eat and wasn't hungry until 10pm. Thinking about how you shouldn't eat right before bed so as not to get hormones out of whack. Really hungry, but not sure if I should have something. Dangit.

Spent afternoon reading my old copy of George Mateljan's World's Healthiest Foods. Still conflicted about legumes and lentils, but recognize that even if some people could tolerate them (my vegan triathlete friends), they are probably not good for my gut-distressed chickadees.

Will try to get good amount of soft protein, enough fat and lots of fiber and water. Can't just not eat for another two days. Also, have been worried that I was abusing the coconut milk, but it took me 11 days to finish one can, so that doesn't seem too excessive.

Update: during the game, I was actually swayed by not only a Pizza Hut commercial, but by Jack in the Box tacos. I haven't eaten those things in years, but tonight, on the screen, they looked delicious and I said out loud that I would eat that. Weird. And gross.

[anfhardin]

Wishing you a healthy colon!

Thank you for the well wishes, far-away-Derval! I wonder if Hallmark makes a card with that sentiment?

[anfhardin]

Note to self:

Emma in Stockholm has a lovely outline to her log:

DAY'S ACTIVITIES

FOOD

MOOD

MOVE

SLEEP

Incessant rambling does not seem to afflict the Swedes like it does Texans. And all the European's food just sounds better. Like they buy their produce in neighborhood open markets from fresh faced locals and carry it home in a little bicycle basket. And they're all wearing cable knit sweaters.

Will try to implement her outline, as the rest is a pipe dream for this suburbia dweller on the surface of the sun.

[Derval]

Lol, I wish!

[anfhardin]

DAY 12

Quiet(ish) Sunday. Went to church, got a care package ready to send to Haiti, hung around the house. Tenderhearted about my friends leaving in the morning, and about them getting to see our sponsored girl. There may have been intermittent crying. Allergies bad, and cold outside today, so just wanted to take a nap but never did. Need to remember that naps are important for recovery. Even with it being an emotional day, I wasn't too tempted to dive into a cinnamon roll. I thought long and hard about some potato chips, but walked away. Day dreamed about ice cold Shiner Black. I miss you, beer. We'll be together again, soon. Going to bed early, for once. I mean it this time. Appointment with doctor tomorrow to discuss the colon which is behaving badly.

FOOD

B: 2 eggs, large plum. Turned down compliant bacon. I don't even know who I am anymore. Took regular supplements, extra JP+

L: 2c leftover butternut squash, topped with Torchy's fajita veggies, 2oz chicken, enzymes (still scared of meat)

D: large herb mix salad, vinaigrette, red potatoes (I know, I know- our pantry is bare- all we had.) Intended to eat pot roast, but it was terrible - like an old boot. Did not look very digestible. Made family eat it anyways, but I declined.

MOOD:

Melancholy. But grateful. Also proud of my kids at dinner. I've started filling the large section of their divided plates with salad, and all four of them eat every morsel. I've been transitioning them slowly, but now, no matter what type of greens, they don't bat an eye. Made me remember that this is worth it. They are learning to eat the food their bodies need, and that there are delicious things outside of gluten and dairy.

MOVE:

Nothing. Maybe tomorrow?

SLEEP:

11:30-7:30. Slept soundly, but boys woke us up a lot. Everyone dying from allergies.

[anfhardin]

DAY 13

Good day. Went to grocery store with the little one. Filled my cart to capacity and went over budget, but it was mostly veggies and meat, so I think we did well. Had a doctor's appt. with Colorectal surgeon that I've been seeing for ten years due to fissures. Thinking back a few days, I remember saying this:

Day 9: "I am so grateful I am not battling IBS or Chohns or otherwise."

Oh Universe, you ironic little minx.

Was disagnosed with IBS today, and have a colonoscopy scheduled for Friday. Woo hoo!

The thing is, although I was really surprised, I did not completely freak out. My doctor is 100% Western, and said my diet wouldn't really make a difference, that we would just try to find some meds to help me, and we would discuss it further after the colonoscopy. Fine. I understand where he's coming from. I'm going to try the sample Rx he gave me for one week, if only to see if it helps, thereby confirming the diagnosis. Turns out I've probably always had this, but didn't know any different. And just about every woman in my paternal family has it, but those of us that drink coffee manage it better, and it's never debilitating. And it is not to be spoken of.

But I know better. I know my diet can make all the difference. So I came home, cranked Mumford and Sons, and started cooking the crap out of all those veggies I bought today. I don't feel helpless, or confused, or sad or angry. Here's how I feel....

Hey Whole 30? It's ON like Donkey Kong.

FOOD:

B: coffee, 3 eggs, 1/2 pear

Snack: chocolate larabar at grocery store

L: 4oz Provencal turkey breast, small avocadco

D: 1c homemade pasta sauce with 2oz italian sausage, 1c roasted eggplant, 1/2c steamed broccoli, 1c herb salad mix w/ vinaigrette

MOOD:

Well balanced. Blood pressure at Dr. office was 103/62 (normal for me.) Seriously did not want any sweets. No energy crashes, no fatigue.

MOVE:

Ran to my car at Central Market because I was running late. I'm counting it.

SLEEP:

10:45-6:15. (7.5) Sleep soundly, even with 2 kids in the bed.

[Derval]

Take this IBS!

[anfhardin]

Thank you, Derval, for appreciating my random 80's reference. And for the encouragement.

[anfhardin]

DAY 14

Starting log early to catalog morning events. Took second dose of Amitiza an hour ago and already have a smorgasbord of side effects: light headed, ears buzzing, low blood pressure, trembling diaphragm when I take a deep breath and thirsty. I've never done well with medication. Will use this as an excuse not to mop today, but after that, I see no benefit to continuing. It seems to be working on the IBS, but I feel terrible. Blech.

UPDATE: parade of horribleness continues. Nausea, cramping, mad dashes. It's adorable that the medication for IBS-C gives you IBS-D.

UPDATE: After speaking with the nurse, and her asking very persuasively, I will take the full sample of Amitiza. Apparently, the negative effects often subside quickly, and the benefits are often worth the effort. We'll see about that.

Ate an early dinner and took all four boys to Kindergarten Bat Night at Congress Bridge. We have an urban colony of 1.5 million bats that come out at dusk - heaven for little boys, but we hardly go because, quite frankly, it's a hassle. For the first time, I had the energy to suck it up and take everyone. It was nice riding in the car and not thinking of just crawling into bed the whole time. Another Whole30 win.

FOOD:

B: coffee, 2 eggs, I honestly can't remember if I ate anything else

L: , 2oz pot roast, 1/2 sweet potato with coconut cream - was stuffed and didn't eat intended salad & guac)

Snack: other 1/2 of sweet potato (skin on) with coconut cream, 1/4 apple

D: 1c pasta sause w/ italian sausage & eggplant, 1c herb mix salad

Late snack: spiced tea w/ coconut milk, cashew larabar (clearly did not eat enough today - could really tell come 9:30pm - may have made some inappropriate choices whilst standing at the pantry for 5 straight minutes.)

I forgot these last night- guess I was tired.

MOOD:

Even steven. The fact that I instigated a family outing should be noted as a miracle.

MOVE:

I've decided I really want to fully experience the affects of JUST changing my food for 30 days. Let's not muddy the waters with exercise, shall we?

SLEEP:

Can't remember - I'm writing this on Day 15.

[anfhardin]

DAY 15!!

Holy crap! Halfway!

I am on a restricted diet for the next three days. Soft today, liquid tomorrow. Not ideal, to say the least, but I'll only be dealing with hunger, not cravings or crashes. Started taking care of my cousin's two month old today. Will be watching her three days a week. I thought, "I've had four babies, I can roll with one more." Apparently, you block out a lot of the details after you make it through with your own. I forgot about cracking eggs one handed, trying to cook while holding a baby, forgetting to eat lunch because you're changing four diapers in a row with a bath in between. She's adorable, but whew!

FOOD

B: 2 eggs, coffee

L: 1/2 sweet potato, coconut milk, 1/2 avocado

D: 1/2 sweet potato

MOOD:

Pleasant, not too stressed with the baby, but then impatient and a little crabby during homework/dinner/bedtime. Hungry.

MOVE:

I lugged that baby carrier around during two school runs.

SLEEP:

7 hours. Not enough.

[anfhardin]

DAY 16

Nothing much to say today. Had water and homemade chicken stock. Other approved liquids were Gatorade, Hawaiian punch and jello. Ummm, no thank you. But still, even with the fasting, I wasn't fighting cravings, and my energy was stable. Really low, but not crashing and burning at the normal times.

I know this past week hasn't been even close to a "real" Whole30, but I'm not calling time of death over a silly colonoscopy. I'll just pick it back up next week, and will fully enjoy those big ol' plates of real food.

Also, it should be noted, my husband commented on my morning demeanor. As in, I appeared HUMAN the past few mornings. No shuffling, no grunting, both eyes open, the ability to form a coherent sentence. We've been married 15 years and he has never (ever) seen this type of behavior before 9am. And I can't remember when I *wasn't* comatose in the morning. I have actual memories of pulling on my purple leg warmers, trudging down to the middle school bus, stomach churning from exhaustion, and wondering how in the hell people around me could be functioning so early. Not that I'm going to ever be a morning person, but I may stop referring to it as the "ass-crack-of-dawn" with an accompanying stink eye.

[anfhardin]

DAY 17

Not a bad day, all things considered. Freaking hungry this morning, but was still able to get the boys ready for school and make it to my appointment on time. Procedure went well- everything normal- got a report to "come back in 10 years!" Can't beat that with a stick. Now I just have to learn to manage the IBS. I think it's doable.

Came home, got to take a four hour nap to sleep off the anesthesia, but only after I had a huge plate of eggs. Felt so good this evening that I was still able to go to a concert with a neighbor. ACL Festival started today, and we had tickets to Melissa Etheridge at the new ACL Theater. She killed it, and I was only *slightly* tempted to get a drink. The real reason I didn't is because of my morning dose of propyphal and the possible consequences of mixing that with tequila. But maybe I would have stayed strong regardless.

So, I'm starting over, so to speak; not with Day 1, but with getting back to eating enough. I may eat two whole avocados tomorrow. With mayo.

FOOD:

B: fasting

L: 3 eggs, bacon, 1/2 avocado, Torchy's salsa

Snack: coffee w/ coconut milk, 1c blueberries

D: banana, larabar (I know, I know- spent extra time making the boys homemade honey mustard sauce and had to run out the door without making my own dinner.)

MOOD:

Nice. Another human-like morning. Felt good after my nap, not like someone awoke the Yeti. Was able to talk a kid off the ledge after a Minecraft throw down without losing it. (PSA- don't let your kids get hooked on Mine Craft. They will never want to do anything else for their whole entire lives.)

MOVE:

Walked up 3 flights of stairs at the theater. I'm counting it.

SLEEP:

Only 7 hours last night, but with the nap it was 11. Can I count the hour I was under anesthesia? 'Cause I slept like a baby on that stuff. I'm counting it. TWELVE hours of sleep!

AND......almost forgot. My wedding ring fit on my finger tonight! My joints have been swollen like little sausages for years, and sometimes I could get it on first thing in the morning (the ring), but not get it off. Tonight I put it on at 6pm! WTH Whole30?!?

[anfhardin]

DAY 18

Everyone has a horrible, no good, craptastic day, right? This funk is normal? Because I have tanked so spectacularly it's unbelievable. Husband took all the boys to his parents house first thing this morning, giving me a full 24 hours to myself. I woke up early, saw them off, thought of all the things I could do, but didn't have to do, and started out pretty good. Made myself a huge plate of eggs, some fruit, coffee. Sat down to watch some Hulu, and never left the couch. Ever. I think I was really hungry from the past few days, but we didn't have much to eat.

And all of a sudden, I hated sweet potatoes, and spinach, and baby carrots and salad. I never wanted to see dark leafy greens again. I even hate you, avocado. You turn brown too fast and you cost too much. And the salt and lime i put on you would taste better in beer. I wanted pizza, and fries from P Terry's, and nachos, and pancakes and homefries, and those weird pretzel bun hamburgers on the Jack in the Box commercials they show every 15 minutes. WTF?

I dug around and found some ham, and ate it. And it was not good. Like, it was old, bad, slimy ham. And my body rejected it violently. Then I was REALLY hungry. And lonely. And bored. Then I started thinking I could eat all those bad things from the TV and throw them up like the ham. I am losing my ever loving mind.

I settled for some trail mix, a banana with almond butter and some more trail mix. All eaten standing up in front of the pantry. I guess I've stayed "compliant", but only on paper. And I still have a huge attitude problem about every food I should be eating. I'm going to try to cobble together a beautiful dinner- an omelette with spinach and caramelized onions and I'll try to do something with the baked sweet potato I have. I just remembered I have some prosciutto - hopefully it hasn't gone the way of the ham.

Anyway, Day 18 suuuuuuuuucked.

FOOD:

B: coffee, 3 eggs in ghee, large orange

L: whole avocado, ham, mustard*

* lunch quickly taken off daily menu. Ahem.

D: what I said up there. And it better be good. Or else.

MOOD:

Crabby, ungrateful, unfocused and lazy. And I don't like to be bossed around. By a book, no less. I'm a real peach, eh?

MOVE:

Whatever.

SLEEP:

Only 6 hours, but I wasn't that tired this morning. I don't think lack of sleep is the problem. Clearly, my problem is bigger.

Also? I've hated mayonnaise MY WHOLE LIFE. My mother used to put it on my peanut butter sandwiches. I could GAG looking at all those photos of mayonnaise. I refer to it as "white death" and avoid creamy salads like the plague. I think I might die everytime a post mentions "licking the spoon." And now I know I'm going to have to learn to use it in my cooking, or my kids are going to choke on their dry, tasteless chicken breast. Mayo is going to win.

OK, I'm done.

[anfhardin]

DAY 18 UPDATE

Dinner was delicious. And I feel better. I reread that earlier diatribe and considered deleting it, but I shall keep it for posterity. After some reflection (always helpful after a hissy fit), I think I may have been more worried about the procedure yesterday than I realized. I think I built up some pretty big emotions, then when I got the "all clear everything's dandy" report, there was no where for all the emotion to go. Usually I would eat my way through it lickity split and it wouldn't be an issue, but that wasn't an option this time. And it may have come out sideways. In spectacular fashion. Hopefully I can sleep the rest of this foul mood off, and begin the begin tomorrow. And I apologized to the avocado. But not the mayo.

And watching 14 hours of television is not a good thing. Ever.