Starting January 23rd, 2017 -- Anyone else?

[FinallyFindingShannon]

Hello to all! 

I am starting Whole30 on January 23rd, 2017!!

My name is Shannon and I am 27 years old, 28 in March. I've been married for 1 year and three months to my AMAZING high school sweetheart. We've been together going on 10 years in January. He is truly my savior, my hero.

I joined Whole30 after having enough. I am done with the way I am eating and living my life. I need change and I need it now. I am addicted to food, all food and especially sugars and carbs. I want to eat healthy and do it right. I don't want to starve myself for a week then binge for a month. I want to love my life and be healthy for a long time to come.

I have A LOT of baggage in my young life so please bear with me while I try to get it all out.

I was never supposed to be. I was supposed to be an abortion when my biological mother had to choose between me and who she thought was the love of her life. She waited too long and no one would do the abortion. Her step-sister stepped up and said that she and her husband would adopt me. Our life looked perfect on the outside, working hard to paint a beautiful facade. I was emotionally abused, threats were given that my biological mother would come and take me back if I was bad. They painted her as the most awful devil there was. They went so far as to write letters from her telling me all these horrible things about never wanting me and her two older daughters (my half sisters) not liking me. It was bad enough I had to go and see a therapist for night terrors. My adoptive parents didn't just emotionally abuse me...they had adopted 6 other girls that were all older than me, they ran a daycare and they also fostered other kids. Those poor kids that grew up and were so wounded and hurt, so broken.

I started coping with all of this when I was 6 by binging at night on enormous amounts of food. And so the struggle with my weight, my confidence and so many other things started.

When I was 12, I was on my way to church camp for the summer (my solace) and my adoptive mother and I heard a horrible car crash. After dropping me off, I was called into the counselor's office the next day and was told that one of my sisters, my closest confidant, was killed in a car accident on her way to a college function. It was the crash we heard the previous morning. It broke me. My adoptive parents wouldn't let me come home, I never got the closure I needed.

Right after I got back from church camp, I found my adoptive mother on the computer trying to set my adoptive father up to have affairs. Later as a family we would meet up with these ladies and stay in the hotel with them. One night I woke up to awful sounds. After these events my adoptive mother would accuse him of cheating. He never left, he just continued to be played by the grand play maker, he was her puppet. My adoptive father would confide in me things I should never hear. I would stand up for him when she would pick fights or twist his words. He never left though he said he wanted a divorce.

As I got older they manipulated any relationship that I ever had between friends and family. In my senior year I met an amazing, caring, sweet boy. Quickly fell head over heels for each other and he helped me realize that what they were doing wasn't a normal family relationships. As I started to realize these things for myself it was time to go away to college. Tim left and went away to Chicago, we would write letters and call. But, after awhile there were no more letters or calls. I got a letter in the mail saying he had met somebody else and that he was through. My parents said I should never contact him again, that it would just be too painful. For three months I hoped he would reach out, I hoped he would call. Finally one day when I was at the community college, I called him from a pay phone, I had to know more. He said he couldn't believe it was me calling, that he got an email from me three months ago saying I had moved on. He wrote letters to me that got sent back to him and finally he received a letter from my adoptive mom threatening him if he ever tried to contact me again. He was heartbroken and hadn't moved on, never even had another girlfriend or date after. We secretly started seeing each other again, I was good at the lying since I learned from the best. He would come home and I would sneak away from classes or work. They found out eventually and were livid of course, I told them I would still see him whether they liked it or not. And they allowed it but again being very controlling.

I finally moved out when I was 20 after a huge fight with them for not being willing to sign for financial aid for me to continue going to nursing school. I didn't move far enough, they were still able to manipulate me.

So, one day I had enough. I gave my two weeks and decided to move in with Tim in Chicago. BEST DECISION I ever made for myself, by myself.

We moved to LA two years later for Tim to pursue his film degree. We got engaged in beautiful Malibu beneath the stars. We loved the sun and sand but missed the Midwest hospitality and being by his family, so two years later we moved back to Wisconsin to his mother's basement finding jobs quickly and setting up to pay for our beautiful wedding the following year. In January of 2015 I had to cut off ALL communication with my adoptive parents after threats and them not keeping boundaries. It helped a whole lot.Tim sadly lost his job right after our wedding and honeymoon so our plans of buying a house were put on hold.

{Throughout our whole relationship} I continued to struggle with my weight and self worth and confidence after many failed attempts of losing weight. I was spinning into a dark hole. Our sex life continuing to slip into oblivion. Me become anxious and nervous and reading into things Tim would say and twisting them in my head thinking he was cheating on me or going to leave me. I was paranoid. We talked about all of it many times, it wasn't him it was me. He would jokingly say something and I would go off. It wasn't pretty and I have no idea why he stayed. I never thought I was good enough, pretty enough or just plain enough for him.

My intentions for this year are very simple...yet hard. To live, fully.

A little bit more about me: I work full time in our local busy ER as a Unit Coordinator, I volunteer for our local fire department as well as a Civic Club. I go to school for Nursing and should be starting clinical in the fall of 2018. AND we just bought our first home and are remodeling it. We have two beautiful cats  and are currently not wanting any children but are very open to it in the future. He works as a director for graphic design and marketing at a local company as well.

I am so sorry this was so long, but I can't tell you how ready I am for this. I am craving change but I just don't know how. Looking forward to breathing and taking it all in.

I can't wait to meet more and more of you!

With peace, love and the best of intentions,

Shannon

If any of you would like to follow my page: Fiercely Loving Me-Shannon Marie or Instagram @FiercelyLovingMe

[WholeWallet30]

Wow, I am so sorry you had to go through all that @FinallyFindingShannon!  You sound like an unbelievably strong person.  I just joined the forums recently, but I am on day 13 now.

Coming from being a binge eater, this is SO worth it.  I cannot believe how different I already feel.  I will be adding you on Insta if that's ok!  

Cheers,

Ashley