Diary of a Food Addict

[SDzombieGirl]

Thank you Carlaccini. I know that beating myself up over poor choices is not good, or healthy, or productive. I've done it for more than 3 years and the results speak for themselves--it's gotten me nowhere. But it's very much ingrained in me and breaking free of that is going to take some time. A really really long time I imagine. I'm glad to hear you found something that helps you relax and keeps you from snacking. I will try to schedule in some "me" time where I do something that relaxes me each day. Maybe if I do that it will ease up on the pressure I put on myself about my food choices.

Ladyhoward--yes we are all fighting demons. I have more than I can count--that's for sure. I love how you pointed out that even though this journey starts with food it certainly doesn't end there. I really hadn't thought of things that way...but I think shifting my thought process a bit might help me be more successful with my W30 and more forgiving of myself for the reasons why I trip up and stumble. There are lots of dark, twisty reasons behind the "why" I do certain things...and joking about it and being mean to myself about it is just my way of trying to deal with it. But hells to the yes I will have a success story! Thanks for your support : )

[AmyS]

I'm going to counter here with the viewpoint that you didn't cave. You ate in a way that you don't want to, sure. But you didn't spray maple syrup into your mouth, you ate almonds. You didn't eat a stack of blueberry pancakes, you ate dates. I think it's a process. I think you did great, and I think you have a lot to be proud of. And now you know two foods that are compliant but that trigger you to act like you're binging on sweets. So, that's good information. You can use it the next twenty days.

And, just remember, you did not binge on sweets. You didn't! Maybe you ate more of a couple of things than you would have done without the triggers and cravings. So it doesn't feel good to be so strongly triggered. I think you responded with a big ole' "fuck you" to the sugar dragon, and I think you get to hold your head up high and plan your next meal, next day, next breath, with pride. This isn't about deprivation of our true desires. It's about the courage to stand up to the kinds of food issues that really traumatize us. I say you've done that. I think you are rockin' this way more than you realize.

You are going to need some kind of Whole30 SuperHero t-shirt and cape before this is all over. Believe.

[kb0426]

What they all said!!

[SarahEmily]

Hey, I have gone through the issue of overeating many times just like you. One thing that has really helped me more than anything else (took me so long to figure this out, and its such common sense) is to really make sure I am eating enough at meal times. Eat 3 meals a day, but seriously, make sure they are BIG and filling. Probably more than you think you need.. I know it's that way for me. example: I have 4 eggs for breakfast everyday w/mayo & coconut cream and I find any less and I get hungry before lunch!! I can't stress enough though, that enough is more than you think, even if you are not extremely active!!

[SDzombieGirl]

Day 11. Wooo hooo!! I am feeling awesome today. Or maybe the paint fumes from my neighbor's condo is making me high. I'll take it either way since I'm not about to be picky!

Thank you thank you thank you AmyS!! Holy baby Jesus I needed to hear exactly what you said! So a million times over thank you for chiming in. I most certainly didn't squirt syrup in my mouth to wash down my delicious homemade blueberry pancakes...I ate almonds and dates and I learned a valuable lesson. I am weak when it comes to both of those things and I will no longer be eating either of them until I have made a HUGE amount of progress with my binge eating issues. You provided an excellent voice of reason : )

Sarah--I still struggle with eating big meals because of my disordered eating. I am trying and I will do good a couple of days and then it gets the better of me and I try to lessen my meals. I think I am slowly learning what you have learned though. It's a lose lose situation to eat small meals because it will certainly come back to bite you in the ass (and probably make your ass bigger when you then eat 2 cans of almonds). Thanks for pointing that out though!

I love Wednesdays because I work from home...which is basically like a day off in the middle of the week unless I get an urgent email or one of my high maintenance clients calls me. My boss has even offered to let me work from home all the time but I know myself well enough to realize I would be fired within a month because I wouldn't get a lick of work done. Case in point--here is what I have accomplished today:

Took the kids to school and came home and made a kick ass breakfast scramble.

Responded to 2 work emails

Got microderm abrasion and new Epicuren face products for myself for Christmas

Got a phone call from a client and hit "ignore" on my phone

Dropped my son's lunch off at school since the goof forgot it at home

Got eyelash extensions for myself for Christmas (OMGsh they look soooooo good)

Half ass responded to 2 more work emails

Picked my son up from school

Made shrimp curry with veggies for lunch

Watched an episode of Hart of Dixie on Netflix

Made Rice Krispy Treats for my daughter's choir bake sale tomorrow (I put Christmas M&M's in them because that's how I roll...and although they looked sooooo freaking good (which my son confirmed since I let him have one) I wasn't even tempted to ruin my W30 by eating one)

Made Chocolate Chili from "Well Fed" aka theclothesmakethegirl (which is still simmering on the stove)

Did a crap load of dishes from lunch and the chili

Opened my new shoes and tried them on.

BTW, my boyfriend thought I was the only person on the planet that has ever done this--so maybe someone can tell me I am not crazy for doing this. All my tank tops are a little too tight at the bottom and really show my muffin top when I wear my workout pants...so I ordered 2 really cute tank tops from PaleOMG which I knew would be loose and not draw attention to my jiggly parts as I am strutting my stuff on the treadmill. They came in a couple days ago and they are freaking adorable. My quandary is that my workout shoes have pink laces--which was intentional since nearly every workout top I have has pink on it. Yes I am a girly girl. The PaleOMG tanks have blue on them. This is obviously a problem right? I can't wear tank tops with blue on them with shoes with pink laces. And I am certainly not getting rid of my pink laces. I love those pink laces. So I did what I thought any rational person would do...I got online and ordered new shoes. More specifically shoes with blue on them so they match my tank tops. My boyfriend thought this was nuts on multiple levels. Getting new tank tops because of my muffin top. Getting new shoes to match the tank tops. Even wanting my shoes to match my tank tops. He's a guy tho. I don't think he gets the need to match...let alone understands that the desire to buy shoes is actually in my DNA and I can't help it. I'm totally normal right?

So anyway...today has been a great day. I have eaten well...my face looks great from my microderm and my lashes look amazing and I have chocolate chili on the stove for dinner. I think I am going to toss on my new shoes and one of my new tanks and head to the gym. I can only lift weights since I can't get all sweaty because of my new lashes.

Happy Whole30 everyone!!!

[AmyS]

You're funny. Also, we need to see pics of the shoes/tops/lashes. I'm sure they are all Whole30 compliant.

Glad you had a good day. Sounds really fun.

[SarahEmily]

Haha just make the meals bigger its as simple as that really!! I mean i still pigged out occasionally after i started doing that, but it pretty much stopped, like you though Its still abit of a habit for me to try and make my meals smaller, but I guess Ive finally learnt my lesson (it took me a good 40384383 times though lol) I think we try to complicate things too much when there is (mostly) always a really simple way to solve a problem (and i have to admit my man taught me that one). e.g the whole30... how simple can it get really. No fancy diets/meal plans/weight loss foods/pills etc. Secret is to make all your meals bigger, not just one. Anyway seems like you are doing a good job of figuring this out for yourself. So ignore me if need be

and eyelash extensions oomgosh, i bet they look amazinnng! and im completly with ya on the shoes/top thing too!!

[kb0426]

Make the meals bigger and learn how it feels to be satiated! You will learn when it is okay to stop eating...your body will tell you!

You really do crack me up! Yes, I have been victim to the shoes conundrum, so tell your BF you are not alone in this. Why else would I have a closet-full of different style black shoes? Because the other black shoes just weren't right with this outfit!

Keep on keeping on!

[SDzombieGirl]

Day 12. Awwwww yeah! I am soooo close to hitting my 2 week mark and boy oh boy am I excited! I pinky promise I won't be stuffing my face with sugary delights this weekend....or even stuffing my face with any W30 compliant foods either. I think I have decided that for the time being fruit is too triggering for me. The missing 2 pounds of strawberries makes for a strong case that I shouldn't have those delicious little jerks readily available. I really love grapefruit though and I have never once turned to a grapefruit as a comfort food or to have when I am craving something sweet...so I am going to make the executive decision to keep them around.

I'm basically just plugging along. Nothing new and exciting to report today. Although I did have a creepy dude that was totally undressing me with his eyes at the gym yesterday. I guess the new lashes, the freshly exfoliated skin, and tight workout pants are going to be bringing my boyfriend some competition. Luckily for him he's adorable and makes me laugh a million times a day and is actually taller than me--so the guys at the gym really don't have a chance. However, I make absolutely no promises if Ryan Gosling or Zac Effron hit me up though.

Fact: Friday through Sunday are my hardest hardest hardest days of the week. Friday I do the weekly grocery run with the kiddos and for some reason seeing all those things on the shelves really makes me feel deprived and sorry for myself (I will actively be working on that tomorrow!). Those feelings are exactly what led to be buying the bag of dates last Friday. From there I get to chill out at home and catch up on some of my TV shows in the evening and the want/need to graze kicks in. BIG TIME. I can usually keep it in check if the BF and I are hanging out...but sometimes that just isn't an option and the fridge becomes a sexy dressed prostitute on Craigslist that offers fun and excitement but then gives you an STD. Stupid sexy fridge.

Then it's the free-for-all non-structured days on Saturday and Sunday that unnerve me. I can wonder into the kitchen and grab a bite of this or a bite of that just because I am at home and feel like having something. So this weekend I am making a plan and I am going to ward off all these little weekend demons that try to derail me. I will outline my plan in tomorrow's post.

I think the fact that I feel a little less chunky right now is going to help me this weekend. The past 2 Sundays I have nearly had a stage 5 melt down trying to get dressed for church. My church is pretty casual...although I can't bring myself to be as casual as some of the folks. But at the same time wearing my work clothes would be considered over dressing and I would stand out and be uncomfortable. So I am stuck trying to dress somewhere in the middle...which is so so so hard because those are the clothes that I feel my worst in because they are too tight and accentuate my problem areas. I have come thisclose to not going to church these past 2 weeks because I felt so bad about myself. I really really really look forward to NOT feeling that way this Sunday! Can I get an Amen?

Well, it's about time to take off my whitening strips and go heat up my lunch. If anyone is looking for an easy way to not snack all the live-long morning put some whitening strips on for 2 hours. It works like a charm and while your body is eating its own fat you can be getting nice pearly whites. (BTW, I bought the strips that you are actually supposed to keep on for 2 hours but I've kept the 30 minute strips on for that long too--the whitening agent stops working but having them on will keep you from eating your lunch at 10am like I have been guilty of doing a hundred times in the past).

Over and out.

[ladyhoward]

Seriously, you need to turn your Whole30 into a book. Or a reality show. Either way, you are my new addiction - but not in a creepy way, so don't worry. Your posts are just funny and inspiring at the same time. Like watching the Biggest Loser, but I'm assuming by your profile pic that you way much less than those contestants. And there's less crying. I congratulate you on your success so far and can't wait to read your next post! I think I've finally stopped laughing about the stupid sexy fridge and the STD - nope, still laughing.

[SDzombieGirl]

LadyH oh how you make me blush with your not-at-all-creepy-in-the-least-bit compliments : )

Thank you for your kind words...altho this diary about my dietary foibles and failures pales in comparison to my dating blog. Before I joined the FaceBook I found myself sending practically the same exact email to multiple friends each time they inquired about my dating life...which inspired me to just create a blog and let my friends live vicariously through the horrors of my dating life. I am pretty sure some of them have deep deep scars from reading my blog. At least one of them is now on medication. Another one wanted to start going to my therapist but that may have been just so he could advise my therapist that therapy wasn't working. Anyway, the blog was short-lived because I am such a hot mess that guys just can't resist me and I scored a long-term boyfriend....so don't worry, it won't take you an eternity to read it if you so desire to get a glimpse at that side of my life : )

If anyone wants the link message me.

[AmyS]

Ha! I'm with LadyHoward here.

Also, planning on putting the whitestrips on tonight. Yessirreebob.

[SarahEmily]

I can usually keep it in check if the BF and I are hanging out...but sometimes that just isn't an option and the fridge becomes a sexy dressed prostitute on Craigslist that offers fun and excitement but then gives you an STD. Stupid sexy fridge.

LMAO, ahhh you are funny aren't you! hope all goes well this weekend! have a good one and glad to hear you're feeling slimmer already

[SarahEmily]

also links plz!!

[ladyhoward]

Checked out the blog - so glad someone special has snatched you up or I could definitely see a reality show in the works . Seriously, though, I am glad you have someone special in your life that seems to be treating you the way you deserve. We all deserve that, and sadly, it just doesn't happen as much as it should. Same with how we treat ourselves. We all deserve to treasure the bodies and lives we were given and treat them with honor and respect (and Good Food), but again, sadly, it doesn't always happen that way and bad decisions sometimes take over. Thank God for second chances. Second chances at love, second chances at wellness, second chances at buying pants that aren't fat pants . Hoping the holiday season finds you happy and healthy and that you enjoy a great time with your family!

[SDzombieGirl]

Happy Friday the 13th of my W30! And what an awesome day it is going to be today.

Today is shaping up to have an odd schedule. My son didn't feel well this AM so he stayed home from school...which made me realize that taking just my daughter to school and having to arrange my schedule around picking her up would be a pain in my ass today. It's a couple days until Christmas and Lord knows I don't want anymore pain in my ass than totally necessary. Sooooo Maddie got to stay home from school too. Not only does this save me from being a taxi for most of the day...it also means that I will be boycotting child labor laws and making my kids do chores while I am at work (Kathy Lee Gifford has my back on this fo' sure!). It's amazing how fast an ill child can miraculously recover when you agree to let the ill child play Xbox after they feel well enough to do their chores. Praise Jesus! I bet that kid could kick polio and give Forrest Gump a run for his money if it meant he'd get to sit on his bed in his underwear playing Xbox all day long.

So anyway, today is going to be very productive for me since I am only working until 11:30am and can run out and get things done before work has sucked all the life out of me and has me contemplating driving my car off a cliff for the pleasure of going to the hospital instead of grocery shopping. Not today. Today I am full steam ahead!

Plan for the weekend aka fighting off the food that insists I put it in my mouth and then goes straight to my love handles:

• I will have 3 nice big meals Friday, Saturday, and Sunday
  
• I will eat my meals about 4 hours apart and NOT be tempted to skip one so I can "cut calories" (which then turns into me gorging myself on fruit after my last meal of the day because my body WANTS MORE CALORIES!)
  
• I will go to the gym on Friday evening--which will keep me away from snacking
  
• I will NOT buy myself ANYTHING while I am grocery shopping for the kids (unless it is a veggie or protein or a pair of shoes...altho who am I kidding? I already own every cute pair of shoes that Target carries and I'd have to be really desperate to resort to buying shoes at Walmart)
  
• I will not eat while I watch TV. At all. Each time I eat I will do so at the dinner table.
  
• I will not participate in any negative self-talk this entire weekend! I am doing great and I need to accept that things change slowly and embrace the fact that this is a process and not a race.
  

I think implementing those things will be a good start. This weekend shouldn't be too busy so I doubt I will be stressing out at all. I will be back at work for a half day on Monday then I am off for 4 days! (which will be full of cooking W30 meals and working out at the gym!)

I'm off to put my Christmas bonus in the bank so I can go spend it : ) YAY!!!

[PaleoTori]

Just popped in and read all of your posts (almost all). I'm exhusted and need a nap so reading feels like a chore, but it was hard to stop reading your updates.

I wanted to say that I am a binge eater, have been since I was very young. I also went through a period of my life battling anorexia. The first time I attempted a Whole 30 I quit on day 23 and binged for over 2 months. I was terrified to attempt it ever again.

But I did some research on eating disorders and found a highly recommended book: "Brain Over Binge". I'm on day 7 of my second Whole 30 and I can honestly say I wouldn't be here if I hadn't read this book. The woman basically "cured" herself of bulimia. Just a suggestion. I waited for awhile even after the binge eating subsided to attempt another Whole 30. I was too scared because of what happened the first time. This time I am not scared at all. The tools I picked up from that book and elsewhere are really helping.

Good luck!

[SarahEmily]

Lol I also read that book "brain over binge", I might be the only one, but I found it wasn't that useful (this is just me though, everyones different). Its great how she was able to cure herself like that but, I just found focusing on other aspects of my life and making sure I was eating enough was the best help I could give myself. But everyone is different!!!!

[SarahEmily]

Anyway looks like a good day you have planned! Enjoy!!

[Guest Srptskrts]

SDzombieGirl - how goes it?