Beware the Dragons!

[Noelle]

Yesterday evening turned into a food-prep-fest with no time to write. Oops. But yesterday went well. I was HUNGRY, but I just went with it and had second lunch. Like a Hobbit.

(A note on semantics: I know the program encourages thinking in terms of Meal 1, Meal 2 and so on. I find this oddly triggering, like someone has put me on a "Diet Plan," so I'm going with Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner.)

- Meals -

Breakfast - 4 eggs sunny side up, Brussels sprouts, cherry tomatoes, dollop of homemade mayonaise, black coffee, water.

Lunch - chili over 1 whole diced zucchini, 1/2 an avocado, homemade sauerkraut, 4 oz. homemade kombucha, decaf tea.

2nd Lunch - 2 hard boiled eggs, baked sweet potato, closed handful of raw almonds.

Dinner - Italian pork roast ('Well Fed 2'), romaine and tomato salad with creamy Italian dressing ('Well Fed'), steamed broccoli.

Before bed - decaf herbal tea.

- Sleep -

7 hours, plus an hour of dozing while breastfeeding the toddler.

- Movement -

Walked the boy to and from school (0.9 mile each way, so a little over 3-1/2 miles), while pushing the stroller.

[Noelle]

Day 2

 

I've been inspired by Intrepid4's log to give my family nicknames for the purposes of streamlining things—and also in case I get really gross and personal (which I've probably already done). From here on out, my partner is Bear, my kindergarten boy is Elf, my toddler girl is Pistol, and the kitty is The Kitty. That pretty much sums them up.

 

Bear is doing this Whole30 with me. It's his second time.

 

- Meals -

 

Breakfast - 4 eggs sunny side up, Brussels sprouts, baked sweet potato, dollop of homemade mayo, black coffee, water.

 

Lunch - lettuce wraps with pork, watermelon salsa, and 1/2 an avocado; homemade sauerkraut; decaf coffee; water.

 

Pre-walk snack - 1 sunny side up egg, closed handful of almonds.

 

Dinner - Pork-and-spinach meatloaf, roasted root vegetables (beets, turnips, carrots, radishes), romaine with strawberry-mustard dressing (homemade mayo whisked with mustard and unsweetened strawberry-applesauce).

 

- Sleep -

 

7 hours, plus 2 hours dozing while breastfeeding Pistol.

 

- Movement -

 

Walked Elf home from school while pushing the stroller.

 

* * *

 

All of my food was delicious today, but my body is wondering what hit it. I'm much hungrier than I think I should be, based on how generous my portions are, but I know it's just my body adjusting. 

 

Starting on a Thursday was...not quite a mistake, but not the best thought-through decision. The fridge is pretty bare. I'm so glad tonight is grocery-shopping night!

[Jaynelle]

The chicken is so easy, Melelina! I hardly want to call it a recipe. It's just:1 lb. boneless, skinless chicken, cut into generous-sized chunks (I used thighs)1 can coconut milk1 (I think mine was 16 oz.?) bag frozen mango chunks1-2 tsp seasoning of choice. I just used sea salt and a teensy pinch of red chili flakes (I'm a little spice-phobic while nursing), and it was bland-in-a-good-way. Something sweet-spicy like curry powder or chipotle chili powder would be delicious!Throw it all in the slow cooker and cook on Low for 6 hours. Eat like soup.{Day 6—How is it only Day 6?}Today was odd. I threw my meal schedule completely off by being busy in the late morning (when I usually eat my Meal 2), and then the baby threw the afternoon off when she wanted to nurse and cuddle extra. I don't blame her; she had shots yesterday. Meal 3 ended up being a mini-meal, because it was so close to dinnertime. And then, my husband decided to make delicious-smelling granola after dinner, and while I don't normally care for granola, homemade baked anything is my weakness.So. I broke my own "no snacking" rule in a big way. But! I didn't eat anything non-compliant, so I'll call today successful, if not ideal.Meals#1: Lamb with pesto, broccoli, coffee.#2-ish: Larabar, homemade kombucha.#2-ish-later: Birthday jerky. (My husband got me Whole30-friendly beef jerky for my birthday because he's adorable.)#3: Large pear (shared with the 5-year-old—he probably ate 2/3 of it), small serving of Brazilian fish stew, teensy portion (about 1/4 cup) baked sweet potato, herbal tea.#4: Baked chicken thigh with tri-colored pepper sauce, salad (romaine, red cabbage, sliced cucumber) with pesto dressing (pesto + olive oil + apple cider vinegar = magic), watermelon (in January, I know), handful of coconut flakes.Snack: Handful of green olives, cashews, 1/2 small apple, herbal tea.ActivityTummy yoga.ThoughtsMy food log seems pretty repetitive—but everything has been really delicious, so I'm not minding at all! Also, I find finishing up leftovers (and remixing leftovers into different meals) really satisfying. I stocked up on bell peppers this week, because they were 10 for $10.00, and I'm remembering how much I like them. I feel a little guilty about the amount of out-of-season fruit in my house right now (Watermelon? Blueberries?), but I cannot say no when my son asks for a fruit or veggie in the grocery store. I won't say yes to candy, but strawberries in January? You got it, dude.Other than kinda-sorta wanting foods I usually never even think about—holy cow, that granola smells amazing!—I'm having almost no uncomfortable symptoms. I'm kind of astonished. I was ready to feel like crap before I started feeling better...but I'm mostly just feeling better. I wonder if this is because I was already gluten- and dairy-free? Maybe I'm just lucky? Whatever it is, I'll take it.

How many days do you brew your kombucha ?

[Noelle]

Hi, Jaynelle! I let the kombucha ferment for 7 days minimum. Sometimes, like when it's cold out, I'll let it go for 2 weeks. I pH test it, and aim for 2.5 to 3.0 before I bottle/drink it.

[Noelle]

Not even half-way through Day 3 and I am irritable beyond description. I think I'm a day ahead of the Timeline (that means Tiger Blood sooner, right? Right?!). I want to kill, or at least run far away from all the things--including poor Elf and Pistol, who are probably wondering what happened to their sweet, mostly-patient mama.

It's at least partly their fault, though. They started the day at the crack of 5:00 AM. Bear and I pretended not to notice until 5:45.

Six hours of sleep does NOT cut it. Especially with the Whole30 one-cup-of-coffee-your-coffee-pot-is-not-a-cup-nice-try rule.

(How serious is that rule, anyway?)

[Noelle]

Next time I do this Whole30 thing (if I feel the need to give it another go), I'll make sure Day 4 (a.k.a. Kill ALL the Things!) doesn't coincide with a holiday. Yikes. Yesterday was so bad mood-wise, and today was horrible. HORRIBLE! And then in the afternoon, I was completely exhausted. First-trimester pregnancy tired. Elf was out with Grandma, and Bear took Pistol to the park so I had a little time to myself, and that helped.

 

{Day 3}

 

Meals

 

Breakfast - 3-1/2 eggs cooked with chopped spinach, handful of mixed berries topped with whipped coconut cream, coffee.

 

(When odd measurements show up in my food diary—i.e. half an egg—it's probably because I was sharing with Pistol. Or, rather, she was demanding food off my plate, despite having a perfectly lovely plate of her own.)

 

Lunch - Pork-and-spinach meatloaf, sweet potatoes, dollop of homemade mayo, 4 fl. oz. kombucha.

 

2nd Lunch - chicken salad (with lots of different veggies and diced apple), carrot "hummus," homemade sauerkraut.

 

Dinner - pork shoulder, 1 hard boiled egg, bell peppers and cucumber with mayo for dipping, small chunk of baked sweet potato.

 

Sleep

 

I honestly don't remember. Pistol got an early start, though (5:00-ish?), which means we all got an early start.

 

* * *

 

{Day 4 — Easter}

 

Meals

 

Breakfast - 3 eggs cooked with chopped spinach and coconut oil, 1 whole medium cucumber, 1 whole baked sweet potato, 1/4 avocado, coffee.

 

Lunch - roast beef with homemade mayo wrapped in romaine leaves, roasted root vegetables, decaf with whipped coconut cream.

 

Snack - 1 hard boiled egg, 1 pan-fried chicken liver, about a teaspoon of mayo, handful of raw baby carrots, herbal tea.

 

Dinner - baked chicken breast (with skin—yum!) with "teriyaki" dipping sauce, steamed broccoli dressed with coconut aminos and almond butter.

 

The teriyaki sauce was the hit of the meal. I soaked 6 unsulphured, unsweetened prunes in 1/2 cup of boiling water while I prepped other things for dinner. Then I blended the prunes and water with 1/2 cup of coconut aminos. Then I simmered it on the stove with 2 minced garlic cloves and some slices of fresh ginger. When it started to look bubbly and smell delicious, I strained the solids out and served it. I want to put this sauce on everything.

 

Sleep

 

6 hours, maximum.

 

Oh holy crap. Elf was up at 3:00 AM to plunder his Easter basket and then got in bed with Bear and me. Pistol woke at her usual 5:00 AM, and I think she would've nursed back to sleep except that her brother was in the bed! Then—naturally—she was ready to rock and roll, and he slept in. I wanted to punch things.

 

Mood

 

Kill ALL the Things. It turned out to be a wonderful thing that I planned to cut up a whole chicken for dinner, because I really took some aggression out on that bird! Even better: the chicken was delectable. I will always-always-always cut up a whole chicken before roasting it from now on...unless I need to leave it whole for presentation purposes.

[Noelle]

Elf just said to me, "You look a little plumper than you usually do."

 

I asked him, very gently, "Why would you say that?"

 

"You just look a little plumper than usual. Well, you did have a big dinner."

 

He's six. I very calmly, gently said, "That's true. It's rude to comment on other people's food and bodies like that. Please don't do it again."

 

"Okay." No big deal.

 

He doesn't understand how much weight (pun intended) these kinds of words have—but it reminded me of why I'm here again.

 

I have lots of "health stuff" going on (food sensitivities, chronic back pain, seasonal-allergy-like symptoms that come and go), but the reason for this particular Whole30 is pretty simple: a brief but powerful eating disorder relapse.

 

I went back and forth about whether to address this with another Whole30. In the past, I've found that following the program makes my desires to binge and starve almost non-existent. I still struggle with wanting to look a certain way, but when I'm eating a Whole9 diet, my mood is so good that the eating-disordered thoughts are just a minor annoyance. Easy to ignore. 

 

But I recognize that "the Whole30 was not designed to help those recover[ing] from eating disorders" ("Sometimes, It Is Hard"). Sometimes I think the best course for my recovery is just to eat whatever I want, when I want it, free of (self-)judgement. That has worked for short periods in the past, but the sugar would catch up with me eventually and wreak havoc on my moods (and my gut). So while it's hard to have certain foods be off-limits, I feel like putting my mood first is key. When my mood is good, everything else—including my recovery—falls into place.

 

I'm looking forward to being out of the first week-and-a-half. I felt phenomenal during my last Whole30, and with a little luck and a lot of patience I'll get to that place again.

[Noelle]

New day and I no longer want to Kill All the Things! Hallelujah!

One huge advantage to multiple Whole30s seems to be a shorter "detox" phase. Maybe. It's still early in the day, but I had a delightful breakfast, dinner is cooking itself in the slow cooker, and the walk to and from school was pleasant.

Now if I could just get Pistol to nap in her crib instead of on my chest...

[Noelle]

{Day 5}

 

Meals

 

Breakfast - 3-1/2 eggs, leftover almond-butter broccoli, baked sweet potato, sprinkle of sesame salt, coffee.

 

Post-walk - chicken breast.

 

Lunch - pork roast, raw celery and radishes dipped in carrot "hummus," steamed green beans.

 

Snack - 2 hard-boiled eggs, bite-size piece of chicken breast, small dollop of mayo, raw baby carrots.

 

Dinner - chili over raw baby spinach, steamed cauliflower, avocado.

 

I snacked on a little bit more chili after dinner, plus a bite of the roast beef I was packing up for Bear's lunch the next day. This was completely unnecessary. I think I was just bored and restless and looking for something to do. I also have a long-standing bad habit of munching on food while I pack it up. I'm going to be more mindful of this in the future. I know this is a gateway to bingeing for me.

 

Sleep

 

About 8 hours, plus 2 more while nursing Pistol. I slept like a log.

 

Movement

 

Walk to and from school, pushing the stroller.

 

Mood

 

Okay, but not great. Mostly I've been tired, and my back has been really sore. It's hard to be cheerful and in pain at the same time. I'm hoping this is a case of things getting worse before they get better.

[Noelle]

{Day 6}

 

Meals

 

Breakfast - pork roast, 1 fried egg, sauteed spinach, 1 large baked sweet potato, 1/2 an avocado, coffee.

 

Lunch - Cashew Cookie Larabar (ate this at the library, because I was starting to feel dizzy!), pork-and-spinach meatloaf, romaine, 1/2 cup homemade kombucha.

 

2nd Lunch - 4 hard-boiled eggs, dollop of mayo, 1 large baked sweet potato.

 

Dinner - Shepherd's pie (topped with sweet potatoes—that's right, sweet potatoes three times in one day), cucumber sticks, celery sticks with almond butter.

 

Post-workout - chicken breast.

 

Movement

 

Walked to and from school, twice (drop off and pick-up), pushing stroller; 55 minutes on the elliptical in the evening.

 

Sleep

 

6-1/2 hours, give or take.

 

Mood & Symptoms

 

I had a little temper tantrum this morning over the fact that I always take care of everyone else, and no one takes care of me. Not my finest moment. I reminded myself later that that's one of the things about being a grown-up: you're in charge of your own care. Which is awesome! And also exhausting when you have a family relying on you.

 

My back pain has been BAD. Not as bad as it was, say, a year ago. But bad compared to the "mostly good" days I'm used to. My hip joints have been hurting a lot too. Not so happy about that.

 

Oh, and my bowels don't know what's up. I'm going to assume that things will sort themselves out in that department soon.

[Noelle]

I've been playing catch-up, and now I'm back to logging in "real time." Whatever that means.

 

{Day 7}

 

Meals

 

Breakfast - roast beef, asparagus, baked sweet potato, coconut oil, coffee.

 

Lunch - 2 hard-boiled eggs, 1 chicken sausage, huge serving of homemade sauerkraut (1-1/2 cups or so), asparagus, dollop of mayo, 1 cup homemade kombucha.

 

Dinner - "teriyaki" chicken lettuce wraps, steamed green beans with sesame oil and sesame salt.

 

Snack - 1 tin of smoked oysters.

 

Movement

 

Walk to school.

 

Sleep

 

8 hours. I got up once in the night because Pistol was crying, but Bear was already up soothing her.

 

Mood & Symptoms

 

My mood has taken a turn for the better! It always seems to when I eat this way. (I'm glad to note that it only takes about a week of clean eating to get my mental state on track.) I'm feeling worn out and a little PMS-y. It's a little early in my cycle for that, but it's possible. 

 

The pain really concerns me. I was going to do some gentle exercise tonight, but bedtime with the kids took for-EV-er. I'm done. I'm going to help Bear clean up, drink some tea, and go to bed.

[Noelle]

{Day 8}

 

Meals

 

Breakfast - roast beef, 1 hard-boiled egg, sweet potato with coconut oil, asparagus, coffee.

 

Lunch - 2-1/4 chicken sausages, 2 hard-boiled eggs, massive pile of sauerkraut, asparagus, dollop of mayo.

 

"Snack" - small cucumber (eaten semi-mindlessly while packing up groceries—oops), 1 cup kombucha.

 

Dinner - 7-1/2 Italian pork meatballs, puttanesca sauce, 1 whole acorn squash baked with a little coconut oil, (later, when I realized I was still hungry) a couple spoonfuls of almond butter.

 

Movement

 

Walked to and from school twice.

 

Sleep

 

8 hours, give or take. (I need to get to bed earlier, and keep better track of how much sleep I'm actually getting.)

 

Mood

 

I'm just a little anxious about how much I'm eating. I know I'm nursing a toddler and, while I'm not exactly active, I do a lot of little things all day. So I'm active-ish. And I was probably trying to eat too little pre-Whole30. But still. I'm sure the only problem with my food is my thinking that there's a problem with my food.

 

My sciatica started bothering me today—totally out of the blue!—and as of right now I'm really congested with what feels like seasonal allergies. Yuck.

 

Today I'm grumpy about the Whole30 and just want this to be over. So I'm trying to look on the bright side. Getting up the morning has been slightly easier; I don't feel so much like I have to drag myself through my morning. And aside from the grumpiness with the program, I feel like my mood is more even throughout the day. I'm VERY thankful to be done with the desire to kill all the things. Now I just want to EAT all the things.

[Noelle]

What day is it? I don't know. I'll look at the calendar.

 

Holy stuff, it's Day 12! I've been so, so tired. I've been logging my food, just not here, because I can't even seem to drag myself to the computer. And I have been in PAIN. So much pain. My back and hips are Not Happy At All. I'm suspecting something in my diet because food is the only thing that's changed recently. The more I read, the more I think I might need to give AIP a go, which...ugh. That sounds like zero fun. But being in pain all the time is REALLY no fun.

 

Anyway.

 

Here's yesterday's food:

 

{Day 11}

 

Meals

 

Breakfast - 3 eggs, sweet potato hash browns (cooked with onion and lots of coconut oil), broccoli, coffee.

 

Lunch - Macadamia nuts (ate these while prepping my lunch), oven-fried sardines, broccoli, baked sweet potato, kombucha.

 

Afternoon non-snack - decaf coffee.

 

Dinner - Watermelon (ate this while prepping dinner), salmon casserole with cabbage "noodles", broccoli (third time's a charm!), zucchini soup.

 

Mood

 

My mood was all over the place, probably from being in lots of pain. I know I'm complaining, but it's really frustrating to be on this "healing journey" or whatever you want to call it, and have things getting worse instead of better. I know the wisdom of the Whole30 is "give it time" so I'm giving it time. But I'm not happy about it.

[Noelle]

{Day 12}

 

Food

 

Breakfast - glass of kombucha (while preparing breakfast), 3 eggs, baked sweet potato with coconut oil, asparagus with mayo, coffee.

 

Lunch - macadamia nuts (ate these while preparing lunch—a closed handful is only 10, I've discovered, which is making my tiny bag of macadamias last a long time!), oven-fried sardines, raw carrots, zucchini soup.

 

Dinner - slow-cooked pork shoulder, steamed green beans, homemade sauerkraut, beautiful backyard chicken egg (the white was so fluffy and the yolk was bright ORANGE!) fried in coconut oil.

 

Movement

 

Walk to school with the kids.

"Ballet Beautiful" Classic Bridge Series

 

Mood

 

Surprisingly good, despite still being in a lot of pain. I think (think) my pain is better than it was a few days ago. But the more research and reflection I do, the more signs point me to following the Auto-Immune Protocol. Bear's birthday is mid-May, and we're planning to celebrate with a meal out. I'm thinking I might just jump into AIP right after that. Rip the Band-Aid off quick.

[Noelle]

{Day 13}

 

Food

 

Breakfast - pork shoulder, baked sweet potato, asparagus, 1/2 pink grapefruit, coffee.

 

Lunch - salmon casserole, 3 turkey meatballs, raw carrots, raw radishes, macadamia nuts, the other 1/2 pink grapefruit.

 

Afternoon "snack" - 2 cups kombucha mixed with 2 cups unsweetened brewed ginger-peach white tea.

 

Dinner - hard boiled egg and applesauce (snacked on these while making dinner), sweet-potato-crusted quiche, "creamed" spinach (inspired by 'Well Fed 2').

 

Evening - bone broth with raw garlic and tumeric.

 

Movement

 

Walks to and from school with the kids.

55 minutes elliptical.

 

Sleep

 

I've been forgetting to notice exactly how many hours. I could use more sleep, though.

 

Mood

 

Mental health is good, even as my physical health continues to be a challenge. I'm happy to be in a 3-meal groove right now (though I sometimes "snack" while preparing meals. We try to eat meals as a family, and sometimes it's hard to wait 'til Bear gets home, especially if traffic is bad). It really helps to not be thinking about food all the time. My cravings for sweets and junk food seem to be gone. I still love the idea of s'mores and a caramel Frappuccino as big as my head, but I don't feel like I'm missing out on something by not eating those things. My urges to binge and starve are gone for the moment.

[Noelle]

{Day 14}

 

Hello, and welcome to the end of week 2!

 

Food

 

Breakfast - pork shoulder, baked sweet potato, cabbage cooked with coconut oil, coffee.

 

Lunch - 1/2 medium banana, 3 eggs, sweet potato hash browns, one whole bunch of dinosaur kale all to myself (sauteed in coconut oil), 1 Tbsp almond butter.

 

"Snack" - 2 cups homemade tangerine kombucha.

 

Dinner - HUGE salad with baked chicken, romaine, radishes, carrots, clementines, green onions, dry-roasted cashews, and dressing made from sesame oil, coconut aminos, and rice vinegar.

 

Movement

 

Walk to school with the kids.

"Ballet Beautiful" Swan Arms

 

Sleep

 

6-1/2 hours, maybe 7. Last night Bear and I stayed up too late watching TV and hanging out and having fun together. Oops. 

 

Mood

 

Good! I was a little grumpy this morning (see: Sleep, above), but things shook down over the course of the day. I'm finding that in general, I'm more patient with Elf and Pistol than I was just a few weeks ago. Their kid-antics don't seem so tough to take when my mood is even.

 

My period is due in a few days, but I'm not feeling PMS-y at all. I'm very aware of the heaviness in my lower abdomen, but that's all. I think being mindful of my starchy carbs (and being through the "Kill All the Things" phase) well in advance of my period is helping with some of the usual cravings I'd expect right about now. I can't stop thinking about coconut everything, though: coconut cream, coconut butter, coconut flakes. I impulse-bought an actual whole coconut today! I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it—probably just break it up and eat it with meals—but I find that Whole30-compliant cravings funny. 

 

My relationship with hunger is changing. I had a long morning with Pistol: a false start at a nap followed by a shopping trip, lots of nursing. When she started gearing up for a real nap, it was clear to me that I wasn't going to get to eat lunch as soon as I would like. I was hungry. But it didn't feel like an emergency. I wasn't paralyzed by the realization that I wouldn't get to eat right away. There was no panic. I was just...hungrier than I would've liked. But that was okay. (It was less okay that Pistol woke up just as I was cracking my eggs into the pan. But she did spend at least a few minutes napping in her crib instead of on me, so I'll take it.)

[Beets]

You do Ballet Beautiful? I just got into it and think it's amazing. I've been doing it consistently for the last two weeks and I'm seriously loving what it's doing to my body. 

 

Anyway, I have to hop off the computer but that caught my eye. 

 

I just almost finished my w30 (wine on day 26, boo, then back to compliance). I'm sticking with AIP for the foreseeable future. It can be done. Strength in numbers.  

[Beets]

Despite my intention to " hop off the computer" I just read through some of your logs. I have a 6yo and an almost 2yo. I nursed them both, my daughter for longer bc she didn't sleep for 18 mos (except on me, with me lying on my back), but anyway. I can so relate to your son making that plumper comment. I try to let it go but it still can feel bad. 

 

Speaking of kids hurting your feelings and BB, the other day I was doing a vid and my sweet sweet little 2yo (who wakes me up saying things like, "my beautiful beautiful mommy,") said, "You're fat. She not fat." I have no idea where she even heard the word "FAT." But anyway, I found myself getting all defensive. And then I just tried really hard to let it go. Was semi-successful. 

[Noelle]

Ouch. I would have trouble not being hurt by that one, Beets. It helps to know that our kids aren't trying to be mean. They're just figuring out their world. But still, ouch.

 

Speaking of ouch...

 

{Day 15}

 

I had a HARD day.

 

Meals

 

Breakfast - oven-fried sardines, 2 fried eggs, baked sweet potato, cabbage, steamed asparagus, strawberries with macadamia nuts, coffee.

 

Lunch - pork shoulder, sweet potato hash with lots of coconut oil, green beans, homemade fermented pickle (so good!).

 

Snack - 2 frozen figs, 6 macadamia nuts. (I know, I know. The worst part is that I wasn't even hungry! I was tired and cranky and I wanted comfort and a break—and that translated to eating a snack. I realized pretty quickly what was going on, and I was able to stop myself before this turned into a much bigger snack or full-blown binge.)

 

Dinner - 2-1/2 Applegate hot dogs,* 1 whole small (hot-dog-bun-sized) baked sweet potato, mustard, fermented veggies (green cabbage and carrots with ginger and garlic), big spoonful of almond butter.

 

Evening - 2 cups lime-flavored kombucha.

 

Movement

 

Walked to school twice, drop-off and pick-up.

 

Sleep

 

7 hours.

 

Symptoms & Mood

 

* Dinner was supposed to be chili dogs (that's what Bear and Elf had), but I decided chili didn't sound good. Unfortunately, I think hot dogs are food without brakes for me right now. I'm rejecting the idea of "trigger foods," as I think that puts the power in Food's hands instead of mine: "I can't keep these foods in the house because they're just too powerful! Poor me!" No, thank you. But! There are definitely foods that do not lend themselves to being eaten slowly and mindfully. It turns out hot dogs are one of those foods for me. Good to know.

 

I'm expecting my period to show up in the next 3 days, but I want it NOW. I feel like I have a water balloon full of mud hanging out where my uterus should be. My whole lower abdomen is heavy and...not crampy exactly, but there's definitely Something Going On In There. It's like a teeny-tiny version of how I felt during the last week or so of pregnancy. It's both awesome and awful to be so in touch with what my body is doing. I'm really looking forward to seeing if this lower-belly weirdness calms down when my period comes. (I'll also be interested to see if this becomes the new pre-period norm.) I wish I were a leave-the-house-in-yoga-pants-type person, because yoga pants sound awesome right now. 

 

I was SO crabby all day. I've been hitting the sweet potatoes and nuts and fruit a little harder these last few days (because sweet potatoes and nuts and fruit are delicious), and I wonder if I'm teasing my sugar dragon a little. I don't feel like I'm craving sugar, but the crabbiness makes me suspicious. Then again, it might just be PMS. 

[Noelle]

The conversations groups of women have depress me. Dieting, counting calories, FitBit love...these were the topics of adult conversation while the toddlers ate their snacks this morning. I was sad, angry, and triggered all at once. The discussion of which calorie-counting app was the best made me want to go on the supermodel coffee and cigarettes diet and never think about food again. I HATE that I can be "recovered" and still have these thoughts (based on other people's conversations that have Nothing To Do With Me). Fuck you, anorexia! Go away!

I'm also coming to terms with my coffee addiction. I don't feel like I could give it up...which probably means I need to give it up.

Quitting coffee should (I hope) get easier as it gets warmer out and the days are longer. A hot steaming mug of something is less appealing on a sunny morning for some reason.

[Noelle]

So, I haven't been logging food here because a.) I haven't really felt like it, b.) I've been so, SO TIRED, c.) I want to think about food less, not more (and I'm trying to decide if logging helps or hinders that goal), and d.) did I mention I've been SO TIRED?! 

 

I'm first-trimester tired, and my period is late (which it never is). I'm very suspicious, but it is EXTREMELY unlikely that I'm pregnant. It doesn't make sense to me that my hormones would be shifting around this much, but who knows.

 

Anyway, this was yesterday.

 

{Day 20}

 

Meals

 

Breakfast - carnitas with pan juices, 1 whole roasted golden beet, steamed cabbage, coffee. (And a little later in the morning) 1/4-caf coffee with coconut oil.

 

Lunch - Cafe Mocha Yawp! bar (while preparing lunch), 3 "spinach-poached" eggs with sesame salt and mayo, macadamia nuts, about a cup of citrus kombucha.

 

Snack - 1 salmon cake, a tiny bit of carnitas, tiny bit more cabbage, small bit of sweet potato-and-beet puree, cashews.

 

Dinner - broccoli-beef with sesame salt, half a large roasted acorn squash.

 

After-dinner - 1 turkey sausage meatball (had to taste-test!).

 

Movement

 

Walk to school for drop-off and pick-up.

 

Sleep

 

8+ hours (I've been going to bed stupid-early) and still exhausted.

 

Misc.

 

I think I've got a touch of a cold. Plus this late period thing is making me a little anxious/suspicious. My back is sore, but a little less sore than it has been in the past few days...maybe?

[Noelle]

Well, I binged. On compliant foods, but still. Actually, my binge would've made a decent lunch, had I not shoveled it into my mouth with my hands while standing over the sink (slow-cooked lamb, 1/2 a banana, and sweet potato with coconut oil). As binges go, it wasn't that bad—but I've been very conscious of my urges to binge, and I was getting really good at distancing myself from them and not acting on them. Until just now.

 

I know exactly what happened: I was a.) a little hungry, b.) alone in the kitchen because Pistol is (miraculously!) sleeping in her crib, c.) had been having some not-so-healthy thoughts earlier today.

 

(I was thinking about the end of this Whole30, and how I'm kind of excited to get on the scale. I do feel like I've gained some weight. Do my ED narrative went: if I haven't gained weight, then good for me, and if I have gained weight, I'll just go back to tracking and get it back off. I'm pretty good at ignoring these thoughts, and not giving them any weight [so to speak] but I guess my binge-habit got wind of this potential starvation plan, and sent out the urge to binge—hard—just now. Am I really at the point in my habit where even the thought of restricting makes my brain scream, "Binge!"? Yeesh.)

 

So the urge to binge sneaked through, and I went along with it.

 

I'm forgiving myself—and my "well-trained" brain—and moving on.

[Noelle]

{Day 21}

 

Meals

 

Breakfast - pork shoulder and half an acorn squash topped with an egg, 1-1/2 baby bok choys, coffee.

 

Brunch (3 hours after breakfast) - broccoli-beef, with sesame oil and macadamia nuts, green tea.

 

Binge (Lunch) - slow-cooked lamb (4 palms' worth, I'm guessing), half a banana, whole sweet potato with coconut oil.

 

Mid-afternoon - glass of kombucha.

 

Dinner (7 hours later) - 6 turkey sausage meatballs; big-ass salad with romaine, radishes, carrot, cherry tomatoes, and lots of (freshly-made) mayo; fruit salad with strawberries, pear, and fresh apricot.

 

Movement

 

Walk to school.

 

Sleep

 

7 hours.

[Noelle]

It's Day...26? (Yes, I had to do the mental math.) I've been moving right along, doing pretty well (yesterday was a touch snacky--I waited too long to eat lunch, and that threw things off). I jot down my meals every day, but I haven't been logging them here because I was getting a little obsessive and just THINKING ABOUT FOOD TOO MUCH.

I'm really trying to strike that balance between planning meals and being mindful of portions and obsessing about every minuscule dietary thing. That balance is a big part of what I imagine "normal eating" (as opposed to disordered eating) to be. So that's what I'm working towards.

My period is over a week late. A pregnancy test yesterday morning was negative. My only explanation is that because I started Whole30 prior to ovulation, my body interpreted the dietary shift as stress and didn't ovulate on time. Ironically, not getting my period on time is stressing me out.

But! I felt a wee bit Tiger-Bloody yesterday, despite so-so sleep and little exercise lately (oops).

I also decided to put the idea of AIP on the back burner for now. I checked out 'The Paleo Approach' from the library, cracked it open and got TOTALLY overwhelmed. I decided stressing myself out with more information wasn't the best choice right now.

[Noelle]

Period Watch May 2014 continues. I had some spotting this morning but so far it hasn't turned into anything.

{Day 27 (!!!)}

B - Slow-cooked beef, asparagus, broccoli, mayo, black coffee, LOTS of orange-infused water.

L - 3/4-decaf iced coffee with almond milk, 3-1/2 salmon cakes, 3 eggs fried in coconut oil, HUGE salad with romaine, shredded carrots, shredded radishes, and mayo.

D - TBD (probably roast chicken, broccoli and cauliflower, and...yes, more mayo. No ripe avocados at the moment!)