fraud no more, December 31 starting my first Whole30!

[dirtyjeepgirl]

Hi everybody and Happy New Year.

I am starting the Whole 30 on December 31. I don't want to give myself one last hurrah... I've been doing the last hurrahs for few years now. I have many reasons for doing this, but my biggest and most personal reason is I just feel like a hypocrite and a fraud. One of my jobs is in the fitness industry and another is in fitness clothing and another is in the healthcare field. (yes there are 3 ,see part of my problem?). I have always kind of been the go-to person everyone comes to for fitness/nutrition advice. Nothing medical or anything, more like "how do you eat, how often you lift, how many pullups can you do, do you drink milk, how much water, do you eat the yolks, what do you think of this fad diet, type of workout, etc.etc." Not just women, plenty of men. On the softball field I'm often twice the age of some of the players but I'm usually still the fastest. I've always been the fit one, the athletic one. That is up until about 3 years ago. I overtrained, I overdid it, I was too strict, I never gave myself a break, I injured myself, and I just did a complete 180.

I compete (or I did) in figure competitions, and play softball. Anybody that does either one knows that they don't gel well together. So one year I competed in 3 competitions and played on a traveling tournament team. When traveling my teammates would BBQ, drink beer, go to restaurants, have McD's and Starbucks on the way to early games, you name it. Me, I brought my cooler with my chicken and veggies. Many times I would I fit in a work-out in between games. After my last bodybuilding show that year, my team qualified for a national tournament in Las Vegas. Besides never-ending buffets every night, I had my first Krispy Kreme, my first DQ Blizzard, my first Panda Express, my my first In-and-Out...Since then I've been on a downhill slide. I work at home, which means I don't go home from work, and I fell into a routine of carryout in front of my computer, eating milk and pastries for breakfast, lots of sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar. Ice cream! Pizza! I drink close to a gallon of milk every day. This is mostly my post-workout drink, I'lll just stand at the fridge and easily down a quart, and I've taken to drinking it with meals.

What happened at first is... my body loved eating "dirty". I gained just enough fat to fill me out a little. I made amazing strength gains. The next when spring softball season rolled around, where I was a decent basehitter before, I started hitting homeruns on command, moved from leadoff to cleanup even on my coed team. (Usually reserved for the big guy with the gut, so that should have been a clue right there!) Instead of going on stage, I trained other women to compete. Fast forward a few years to now, the weight gain that was attractive at first is now making me ashamed. I have lumps and bumps and cellulite. I have abdominal fat and I can barely wear the fitness clothing I sell. I am getting weird rashes from my own sweat. I'm out of breath teaching my own classes or running my dog. I am soooo tired, I just want to lie in bed as long as possible, where before I would jump out of bed to start my day. Headaches, lethargy... relieved by eating sugar, for a short while, then I crash hard. I feel congested. I've also been in denial about maybe being depressed. I thought it was grief, or stress, but it isn't passing. And I sometimes experience anxiety attacks like I've had too much coffee when I haven't had any. I feel like someone else. Oh and here is the kicker. At the market today I put the BP cuff on and it was 140/80. Right then I freaked out, in fact I just left my basket full of crud there by the BP monitor and walked out. I need to get off this sugar, this crack, these salty processed foods, right away. Yesterday. That's why I'm not waiting for the 1st.

I've never done a paleo or ketogenic diet before, mostly I used a traditional bodybuilding type diet, though I always liked to use whole foods instead of powders or meal replacements, so I'm not a rookie with clean eating. I just have forgotten how to be disciplined.

Oh yeah... who am I? I'm 44 years old, (young I mean) female, so blessed to live in Santa Cruz California where every day I can decide whether to go to the beach or on hike in the woods with my black lab puppy, I love my boyfriend, my friends, my sports, enjoy my work most of the time. I don't have children, but my jobs are kind of like my kids in how demanding they can be at times and keep me plenty busy. I do have immediate goals for more balance in this direction as well. Sleep. I know how important it is yet I don't do enough and the older I get the more I feel it. My family situation is actually the cause of some stress, my mother is showing some signs of early dementia and I'm struggling with how to take care of her/deal with that. Other than her and my brother who lives 800 miles away, that's it for blood relatives. I've been putting my mother's needs in front of mine, and after I took my blood pressure today I realized I better take care of myself right away. I even see a real possibility that my lifestyle as I live it now could lead to being in the same place she is. All she does is watch TV and eat sweets, day in, day out. Or like my father, who after eating Ho-Hos for breakfast every day, meals like mashed potato buds out of a box and Steak'Um for dinner, for as long I can remember, died 3 years ago in his early 70s.

As far as fitness, well its my hobby and I can overdo it. I still teach fitness classes, get in a run or a hike with the dog every day, lift loads of weights, and I'm joining back up with Crossfit this month too. I'm looking towards Crossfit actually more for the support and community and a challenge, rather than just doing whatever I want to, which is only stuff I've done forever and am comfortable with right now. To end on a positive note... yes I can still do tons of pullups, on top of carrying my own extra weight I've taken to doing only weighted deadhang pullups for a while to increase my numbers. So imagine once I am a little lighter, I will drop that hanging dumbbell too, and I will just fly! I'm hoping to fly in lots of different directions, not just under the bar.

Wow, I've written an essay. I don't think there are any other essays like mine on the introduction forum. Maybe nobody reads this. Maybe you did and you fell asleep. But maybe you can relate to something I said and we can provide some support each other. Whatever it is... thank you to the Whole 30 people for this place and thank you in advance to all the friends I hope to meet. I am looking forward to this journey. Best Wishes for best health to everyone. And to my faithful partners of the past 3 years, Ben & Jerry, it's been good times but I'm afraid we must now part ways.

We can do this!

[MommaMawby]

Hi, I am starting tomorrow too. I come from a fairly active background....I was a competitive swimmer at my peak I spent close to three hours a day in a pool. Played rugby all through my 20's and loved it. Rugby, like baseball, is usually followed by beer and bbq or pizza and wings. My downward slide was kids. The first year I stopped playing rugby was the summer my son was born...that was 5 years ago. I do hit the gym 4 days a week though. Crossfit is amazing, I tried it for all of December. They are so wonderful there, lots of support both with workouts and diet. I managed to straggle out three full unassisted pull-ups and the whole box cheered for me

Good luck with your journey, keep in touch

[30DownBy30]

I can identify with your "fraud" mentality. In my field, we call it the Imposter Syndrome! I can absolutely relate; I literally counsel people and write behavioral modification plans for a living. And I can't figure out my own motivation psychology.

I'm happy to have found this community. I have a lot of hope for 2013. Now, just to put all that good intention into perpetual motion...

Anyway, we're all real. We don't exist in a vacuum, set apart from our contexts, our histories, our maladaptive thought patterns. We are more than the composite of our parts, not just all-or-nothing living examples. I have to tell myself this frequently. Most importantly, I'm growing. Constantly. I'm not who I was even yesterday! 2013 Me is older, wiser, better-equipped, but most of all; she's human.

Good luck!

[cpb]

I can relate dirtyjeepgirl. Two years ago I was lean, healthy and fit, but going a million miles an hour and just thumped into a brick wall. I too have done a 180 and have been living on sugar for way too long. I know I feel better, but need to kick the addiction and figure this will help me do it (with some lifestyle changes as well!) Good luck and look forward to seeing you around

[Jennifer1991]

Hi dirtyjeepgirl! I lived in Santa Cruz for a year 2011/2012 and I am missing it so much! I started my first Whole30 yesterday so I am with you on this journey!

I understand exactly what you mean about feeling a hypocrite. I have spent the last couple of years living paleo....ish. I would happily and proudly announce that I was having no grains, no dairy, no sugar etc when in fact it was sneaking into my diet. I would rave about Paleo to my friends but I wasn't following it as well as I should have been.

I am 21 and want a career in the health and fitness industry, and this is one of the reasons why I am doing the Whole30. I am sick of working out, but then sabotaging my progress and my goals by cheating. Good Luck on your Whole30!

[Aberrantatavia]

I think a lot of us can identify. A few years ago I was a fitness instructor, doing serious core training and spin classes as well as personal training. I was involved in 2 car accidents back to back, developed fibromyalgia, and have allowed my diet and exercise and general well being to fall by the wayside. I've made excuses for not taking care of myself or justified my behavior by saying "hey, at least I'm not sitting on the couch taking drugs like some people with ailments do".

I was always known as the person with "weird" food issues, I don't eat this, I won't eat that. Yet I can and do stuff my face with all sorts of things that are terrible for me!

Time to get it together.... I start my whole 100 on Wednesday:)

[Guest Andria]

Hi there, I can relate as well. I am generally known as the "the one who eats healthier than anyone else" by my co-workers, family and fiancé, yet far too many days (actually, EVERYDAY) included too much sugar. And not even somewhat slightly "healthier" sugar (if there is even such a thing) like honey or over consumption of dried fruit. I mean downright junky sugar: cookies, candy, cake. All this consumption is generally during a long stressful workday. My meals were generally good except when I travelled further down the rabbit hole and ordered lunch from the same junky restaurants my co workers did or caved to pizza at the end of a stressful day. Of course, workouts and sleep suffered as a result because this food always made me feel like crap. Yet, I would keep eating it!

I appreciate this community and felt an opportunity to post, even in reply to someone else, would help solidify my commitment to this January's Whole30. I am excited to start this and look forward to the support everyone in this community can provide!

Happy New Year and Great Luck and Success to EVERYONE!!!!

[kindergartencowgirl]

Congratulations!

I don't think you are a fraud at ALL. I think you are a smart and talented person who just got a little off track. Don't be so hard on yourself! The best part is you know what to do... you have made a commitment and you are ready for action. Good for you!

We have a lot in common. First off, I live in the Santa Cruz area as well. (Corralitos - in the mountains) While I would not call myself athletic, I do like to run and ride my horse competitively. I am also in my 40's (let's just leave it at that lol) And I too have gotten completely. off. track.

You see I am a sugar ADDICT. I quit alcohol 3 1/2 years ago when it became a "problem" (actually long AFTER it had become a problem!) It wasn't long before I was substituting one sugar/carb combination for another. Candy and bread are huge addictors for me. Also diet soda! I am sooo ready to get rid of this junk in my life.

So I have set the stage here in the kitchen and I'm ready to get serious about my health! I too have decided to try Crossfit... I will be taking a couple of intro classes in Los Gatos this week, and I'll let you know how it goes! Luckily I found a gym that can accomodate my 10 yo daughter while I work out.

Guess that's it! Happy New Year and I look forward to hearing about your progress, neighbor!

Kat

[Liz Christman]

Love your intro! I feel like I know you so well already :-) I, too, am starting my first venture, but January ¹ for me. And I totally get the fraud thing. I work in the sales/membership department of a large, international fitness facility. Peach healthy choices all day every day to staff, current members, and prospective members, but a severe injury and seven month surgery recovery have given me little ability to practice much of what I preach.

Good luck to you on your journey. For us both: fraud no more!

[hollyfk]

I can also relate! I also teach fitness classes and was at my strongest and fittest ever last year around this time. However I am predisposed to shoulder issues, and my shoulder actually dislocated 5 times from January 10 - March 2012. I couldn't teach, had to stop lifting, start going to PT... so I switched to paleo eating to hopefully even out my sudden exercise cutback. I felt great on it but have been falling off lately and I have put on 10 lbs that make half my workout clothes too tight/ uncomfortable to wear to class. I also just don't feel 100% and am ready for the change! I just took my before photo...

Good luck!