Apricot's W30 Log

[Apricot]

Before I start my first entry, I want to take a minute to reflect on my body. 

I have a great body.  Like, a really great body. 

The caveat is that it isn't a pretty body, and that's the one aspect of it that I tend to get hung up on.  Every time that I change my eating pattern, or consistently go to the gym, it's always done with self-hatred as a motivator.  I've achieved a lot with self-hatred; it's an incredibly powerful motivational tool!  It's also one that leaves me miserable, and unable to acknowledge (much less enjoy) any personal victories.  Every time I look in the mirror (even during times where I was at a healthy weight with clear skin) I always have a subconscious flicker of "I hate my body".

That's a terrible way to treat a great body.  My body has good blood pressure, almost no allergies, excellent stamina, steady hands, and puts on leg muscle easily.  This body has climbed mountains, carried me through college into a career, and held together through miserable, grueling jobs.  I almost never get headaches, and who else can say that?  Everyone I know gets headaches!

It seems silly to discount all the good my body does for me just because it doesn't look good.  Having an able body is like winning the lottery in life, and being pretty is just the cherry on top.  I'm tired of eating garbage with the rational that "it doesn't matter" or "my body's already wrecked, so might as well have a brownie".  I'm so tired of being mean to myself and out of control about what I eat.

The next 30 days aren't a punishment, they're the least that my body deserves.  I'm way past due on taking some time with my body and figuring out what's good for it.  It's mine, it's unique, and it deserves the same amount of love and attention that I give everything else in my life.  Yes, there are a lot of things that I want to change about my body, and yes, it's going to be impossible not to think about them while I do this, but I'm going to do my best not to dwell on those thoughts.  When I have a negative thought about myself, I'm going to sit with that thought, and observe it as it passes.  No more denial, no more spiraling, just quiet observation.  

Having a mentality of self-love vs self-hate isn't easy for me, and it takes a lot of work to maintain.  I know that at some point during the next month I'm going to slip up in terms of where my motivation is coming from, and when I do I hope that I can come back to this entry and remember what my mentality was on day one.  This isn't a punishment, and there's no reason for negative self-image to be attached to it in any way.

Whew.

Now that my inaugural navel-gazing session is out of the way: Round two, day one, baby!  Let's go!!

[Apricot]

Okay, time to treat this log like a log. 

Day 1:

M1: Scrambled egg, chorizo, smoothie (half a banana, almond milk and cold brew, and a spoonful of almond butter).  I'm used to just having a big smoothie for breakfast, so a mini-smoothie and some chewable food is an easy transition.

M2: (I'm filling this out a day later, and I weirdly can't remember.  I may have just snacked on a clementine?)

M3: Burger patty (admittedly not the best quality, but Smith's 10 for $10 patties helps keep this affordable) with sautéed onions, half an avocado, and yellow mustard.  Side of sautéed kale with garlic, and an entire sweet potato.  I'm planning on going a little heavier on the potatoes for this first week to help the carb transition.

Mood: Very good! The high of starting something new is in full effect.

Starting weight: 185 lbs (not going to weigh myself again until I'm done, this is just for reference)

[Apricot]

Day 2:

M1: Smoothie (got distracted and forgot to make the "chewable" portion of breakfast)

M2: Tuna salad wraps, clementine

M3: Steak (note: learn to cook steak that doesn't taste and feel like rubber), half a baked potato, and brussel sprouts with bacon and balsamic vingar

Mood: Good! 

Sleep: Terrible insomnia, not W30 related.

[Maria Fernanda]

Hey, how is it going? I can see it's your second whole 30? Which kind of differences have you seen so far between your very first days, and these first days? I am trying to start the whole30 again, but it is being impossible because of my busy routine!

Also, which kind of chorizo have you found? I cannot find any in Denmark that doesn't contain sugar!

I wish you good luck <3 

[Apricot]

Hi Maria!  This time has been much much easier than the last one I did, mostly because my schedule is so much clearer, but also because I'm realizing that a lot of the meals I eat normally are already Whole30 compliant or very close.  Last time I was transitioning off of a much worse diet (I worked in the food service industry, so my diet was 90% horrible things from work) and 30 days of whole foods was a drastic change.  My last W30 was probably about five years ago, so a lot has changed!

I've been using this brand of chorizo, and it's delicious!  It was surprisingly easy to find compliant chorizo in the US, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you can find some in Denmark too.

Thank you so much!  Good luck with starting yours- busy schedules make everything so much harder, but you've got this!

[Apricot]

Whoops, late post.

Day 3:

Sleep: Total insomnia, not W30 related (Baking a potato in the June heat made the house too hot to sleep.  Rookie mistake)

M1: Smoothie, larabar, handful of cashews, chicken

M2: Hard-boiled egg with tabasco, clementine

M3: An entire head of cauliflower (What is wrong with me?)

Mood: Terrible, feeling very sick from not sleeping.  Immediately wanted a sugary snack to make myself feel emotionally better, caved a little bit and had a larabar with breakfast.  Cravings went away as the day went on.

Day 4:

Sleep: Finally slept like a normal human being!

M1: Smoothie, hard-boiled egg

M2: Fried plantain with lemon garlic sauce from this recipe

M3: Burger patty with sautéed onions, half an avocado, and yellow mustard.  Side of sautéed kale with garlic, and half a baked potato

Mood: Brain foggy, moderate energy, emotionally feeling pretty good.  Woke up very hungry, but after breakfast I wasn't hungry at all for the rest of the day.  I feel like I would have been fine all day with just a smoothie, but ate anyway just to stay on track.

Note: I’ve been doing well in only eating compliant foods, but my meal structure/timing is totally out of whack.  I've gotta focus on eating three actual well-structed meals per day.

[Apricot]

Day 5:

Sleep: Had a hard time sleeping again, got about 4 hours.  Dreamt that I ate an entire chocolate orange and then was surprised that it wasn't Whole 30 compliant.

M1: Smoothie

M2: Three deviled eggs and a side of sautéed kale with garlic

Snack: Half a personal sized watermelon

M3: Shredded sweet potato, chorizo, fried egg

Mood: Emotionally feeling good/normal, but still very brain foggy and a bit lightheaded.

Note: I forgot to add this yesterday, but I've been bloating up like crazy these last couple days.  I hope that it doesn't last long, cause boy is it uncomfortable.

Also, today I got hired to do some illustrations of delicious food, and the timing couldn't be worse.  I've spent today looking at reference images of tasty non-compliant meals and drooling.

[Apricot]

Day 6:

Sleep: Excellent!

M1: Shredded sweet potato, chorizo, fried egg

Snacks: Half a personal sized watermelon, grapes, hard boiled egg

I wasn't in the mood to eat for the rest of the day, for whatever reason.  Didn't feel hungry or tired, just disinterested.  

Mood: A little low energy, which is usual for me.  I wouldn't say that I felt particularly brain-foggy, just like I was on autopilot.

[Apricot]

Day 7: Week one done!

Sleep: Very good

M1: Smoothie, fried egg, sautéed kale

M2: Hard boiled egg, clementine, carrots with garlic/lemon dip I made earlier this week

M3: Half a roasted acorn squash stuffed with chicken, onions, garlic, and cashews.  Topped with the garlic/lemon dip mixed with compliant buffalo sauce.

Mood: Good, normal!  Haven't been cranky at all this week.

Note: I'm pooping non-stop :(

[Apricot]

Day 8: 

Sleep: Had a very hard time falling asleep, but once I did I was out all night

M1: Banana with almond butter, and cold brew with some almond milk (hey, that’s my morning smoothie un-blended!)

M2: Sweet potato, fried egg, and chorizo.

M3: Was out and about, didn’t get a chance to eat :(

Snack: Carrots, grapes

Note: Took the plunge and told some friends and family that I'm not going to be eating with them for a little while.  My birthday is next week, and restrictions here have almost completely lifted, so I know that a lot of people are wanting to do something, which was probably going to lean heavy on the alcohol and birthday snacks.  While I'm down to party and hang out with people who are drinking alcohol and eating cake, I don't want my not eating anything to be a weird issue.  Bringing up that I wasn’t going to be able to eat with friends/family on my birthday was really weighing on me, and I’m glad I got it over with!

That being said, I didn't mention Whole30.  I sort of softened it with "an elimination diet, because I've had a terrible rash for months and I want to make sure that it isn't connected to something I'm eating" which is technically true, but I'd be doing it even without that.  It helps me to have a legitimate medical reason (thanks rash!), since I've had some less-than-ideal reactions to changing my eating patterns in the past.  My friends are always supportive, but each of them then assumes that eating with them will be my one "cheat meal" per week, (which either comes out to five-six "cheat meals" or a bunch of disappointed friends), and changing my eating habits around my mom is a nightmare.  Letting people down is hard!  Eating together is such an important part of being social, and shaking it up is always really difficult. 

Additional note: Didn’t poop at all today, which was awesome.  I have no idea what changed between today and yesterday.

[Rebecca001]

I think you have a really strong strategy for your birthday and I’m sure you will be successful. 
 

For me, one of the most interesting things about w30 and the one that gives me the most (pun) food for thought is the whole thing around other people and your food. Why does what someone else is eating affect the way we feel? Why does what I eat affect the way someone else feels? If you can break that apart in your head it can really give you strength both for your W30 and for your food freedom. Good luck! 

[Apricot]

Thanks, Rebecca!  I certainly hope so, my friends have all been very understanding.

That is something that's good to think about.  It's a little bit frustrating, because I'm really not affected by how the people around me are eating, so it's hard for me to understand why so many people take offense to other's eating habits.  It feels like as soon as you don't want to touch a slice of bread, everyone around you is a nutritionist!  We attach a lot of emotion to eating, and I think that when people see someone making a change like this, they reflexively react to it like they're somehow being criticized for not making a change, which isn't at all the case.  My eating habits are about me, not anyone else, and it's a little bothersome that one person's food preferences are treated like something that everyone should have a say in.  They aren't!  That's what's great about being an individual!

Ha, I feel like this is something I could rant about all night.  Thanks for your comment, it's cathartic to remember that this is something everyone deals with!

[Apricot]

Whoops, delayed post again.

Day 9:

Sleep: Okay.  Had a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep, but didn't wake up feeling too tired.

M1: Shredded sweet potato, chorizo, fried egg.  I'm obsessed!

M2: Slow-cooked ribs, roasted asparagus with olive oil, salt, and nutritional yeast

M3: Baby carrots with compliant ranch

Mood: Bad, very depressed and had a rough day with negative self-talk.

 

Day 10:

Sleep: Went to sleep way too late and slept in way too late, but I slept!

M1: Smoothie, clementine

M2: Leftover ribs and carrots

M3: Leftover ribs and cauliflower

Mood: Very drowsy, picked up towards the middle and end of the day.  Feeling good emotionally.

 

[Apricot]

My computer's been down for a couple days, so I've missed some posts, but I'm still going strong!

Days 11 - 12: I don't remember, but I know that I've been feeling pretty good and eating approved foods.

Day 14: My birthday!!

M1: An iced americano (at an actual cafe!) with almond milk

M2: Deviled eggs and carrots with Tessamae's avocado ranch

M3: Tuna sashimi!  With coconut aminos that I smuggled into the restaurant like a huge dork.

Dessert: Cause that's a mandatory category on your birthday!  I made popsicles out of strawberries and limes blended with coconut milk.  It was delicious, and it's so hot outside that I now wish all of my meals were in popsicle format.

Day 15:

Sleep: Very good

M1: Two hard boiled eggs and some strawberries

M2: Carrots and ranch

M3: Burger patty with mustard, onions, and avocado.  Side of brussel sprouts with bacon and balsamic vinegar, and mashed potatoes.

Mood: Good, felt very active and got a lot done today!

Note: I know that my meal structure is still super out of whack.  I haven't been getting very hungry, and upon reflecting on that, I'm realizing that I usually don't get very hungry in general.  I've been in the habit of grazing all day for so long that I've basically been ignoring my body's hunger signals (or lack thereof) and just eating for the sake of eating.  Now that I'm letting myself get hungry, I'm realizing that it actually takes quite awhile before I start feeling hungry.  I need to be eating more consistently, but I should focus on doing it to fuel myself instead of for fun.

[Apricot]

Day 16:

Sleep: Deepest sleep I've had in forever, woke up feeling drowsy.

M1: Hard-boiled egg, brussel sprouts,

M2: Burger patty with mustard, onions, and avocado.  Side of mashed potatoes.

M3: Smoothie (half a banana, almond milk, almond butter)

Mood: Not bad, but very drowsy

Note: Very bloated again, and definitely craving everything that I can't have.

 

[Apricot]

Day 17:

Sleep: Pretty good

Meals: Filling this out a day later, and I forgot to record meals.  I remember that I wasn't in the mood for meat and I ate a ridiculous number of eggs.

Mood: Very depressed, low energy and brain foggy.  Got some things done, but not as much as I needed to.

[Apricot]

Day 18:

Sleep: Not great

M1:  A failed recipe that I'm only going to refer to as The Pumpkin Monstrosity, and coffee

M2: This coconut chicken recipe

M3: Another helping of the coconut chicken!

Mood: Good, perked back up, had a productive day.

[Rebecca001]

Was the pumpkin monstrosity the butternut squash thing from Well Fed by any chance?! I tried it and it was vile, it’s the only w30 recipe I haven’t liked! 

[Apricot]

The Pumpkin Monstrosity was actually me just trying to be "creative" with some canned pumpkin.  I'm not sure what my goal was, but I know I didn't meet it.

Thanks for the heads up to avoid that recipe, though!  I'm crazy for butternut squash, so there's a good chance I was going to run into it sooner or later.

[Apricot]

Day 19:

Sleep: Had a late late night for work, so it's hard to tell

M1: Shredded sweet potato, compliant bacon, green chile, and an egg

M2: Coconut chicken curry

M3: Steak (this one was better, but still way too tough) and sauteed kale.

Mood: Good, normal

 

Day 20:

Sleep: Bad

M1: The rest of the coconut chicken curry.  I'll probably make some more soon, it was delicious!

M2: Smoothie (half a banana, almond milk, cold brew, almond butter)

M3: Coconut chicken tenders and asparagus

Snack: Cup of broth, watermelon, blueberries

Mood: Okay, low energy

Note: I was especially "snacky" today, I felt like I wanted to graze all day. 

[Apricot]

Day 21:

Sleep: Terrible, severe insomnia, and when I finally did fall asleep I had vivid dreams about eating tons of non-compliant food and being disappointed in myself (eek!)

Meals: (Forgot to fill this out earlier, not sure what I ate)

Mood: Very depressed

Day 22:

Sleep: Great!

M1: Shredded sweet potato, chorizo, and an egg

M2: Prunes (I was at a friend's house, and it was what was available.  Also, today I discovered that prunes are actually pretty great.)

M3: Steamed artichoke with ghee and a cup of broth

Mood: Pretty good

 

Day 23:

Sleep: Very good!

M1:  Shredded sweet potato, chorizo, and an egg

M2:  Two deviled eggs and some carrots

M3: Burger patty (with onions, avocado, and mustard, of course), roasted broccoli, and half a twice-baked potato

Mood: Okay, pretty low energy.  I haven't been taking a medication that I usually take, which is going to contribute to low energy levels for awhile.

 

[Rebecca001]

You are doing so well Apricot. I found my sleep never really improved in the first 30 days although now after almost a year of FF I do sleep better (not longer, but better quality) so hang in there. 
 

prunes are one of my favourites. Especially with a whole almond or Brazil nut stuffed inside! 

[Apricot]

Thanks for the encouragement, Rebecca!  It's inspiring to hear that you've been maintaining FF for a year- that's my long term goal, since food has such a major hold on me.  I actually hadn't encountered the term yet, so thank you for introducing me to it!

I'll have to try stuffing prunes, that sounds delicious.

[Apricot]

Day 24: First day of my last week! Let's gooooooo!

Sleep: Pretty good

M1: Smoothie (banana, coffee, almond milk, almond butter)

M2: Pistachios and dried mango (got lazy and snacky)

M3: Broth with sauteed kale, garlic and ginger, and two soft boiled eggs (one of my favorite soups)

Mood: Variable.  I had a nice little burst of energy in the middle of the day, but I've been having a some really bad days in terms of self-esteem.  I re-read my first entry (as I knew I would have to at some point) and it did help a bit to read what I had written when I was feeling good about myself.  I'm finding myself wanting to relapse back into unhealthy habits, but I have to remember that I'm doing this for me, not so I'll be more pleasant for other people to look at.  Delicious healthy food is not a punishment, it's what my body deserves.

[Apricot]

Day 25:

Sleep: Not great

M1: Smoothie (banana, cold brew, almond milk, almond butter)

M2: (Can't remember)

M3: Five hard boiled eggs for some reason

Mood: Good! High energy and focused

 

Day 26:

Sleep: Okay

M1: Shredded sweet potato, bacon, green chile, fried egg

M2: Two hard boiled eggs, carrots and compliant ranch

M3: Spicy cauliflower

Mood: Good, high energy.

Note: This round has been surprisingly easy.  The social aspect is still challenging (I have friends coming into town in two days, eek!) but if not for that then I feel like I could keep going.  I would at the very least like to do another 30 days without processed sugar, because even though my cravings for it haven't been that bad, I know that if I reintroduced it right now it would be difficult not to fall back into binging sweets. 

Unfortunately, the elusive rash that I've been trying to find the cause of has not faded at all :(