whole30 no. 3: summer deluxe edition

[robotarmy]

Today is Day 1 of my 3rd Whole30 of 2013. Getting a jump start on the August Whole30 I'm coming off a really emotionally intense summer, and am seeking to reclaim my life. You can read all about that (if you're so inclined) in my post Whole30 log, which is around here somewhere.

 

I've not had breakfast yet, so I'm not logging any food right this second, but would like to outline some goals for myself. Emotional wreckage has dominated the last month or so of my life, and with that at the forefront of my existence everything has been derailed. I've not been sleeping well. I've not been eating well (about 80/20 on a good day...and there haven't been many good days). Regaining control of my emotional state and my sleep are two big things I'd like to accomplish. I know from experience that what I eat has, like, pretty much everything to do with that. I've never felt better than I have while eating W30.

 

So I'm going to put myself first for the next 30+ days (now through August 30). I'm going to take care of myself in a big way. Eat well, sleep well, be well. Starting now: I'm my first priority.

[robotarmy]

There is something else, something that I've been hesitant to talk openly about, but I will. I've suffered from anxiety and depression for the last 15 or so years. When eating Whole30 they virtually disappear. They are back in a big, unmanageable way right now. I am considering professional help, but want to start with food, to see how much it can help me right now. At this point I am almost certain that I will seek counseling or therapy, but I want to do as much as I can through diet/exercise first.

 

Being human. Sometimes it's great, but right now it's awful. 

[Renee Lee]

Good luck, lady! After conquering that fridge...you can do ANYTHING!

Depression runs in my family. Even though I personally don't struggle with it, my emotional stability is noticeably affected by what I put in my mouth. I think it'll help you handle your stuff way easier.

Rock it!

[robotarmy]

Thanks, Renée. I wonder about how wise it is to be so strict with my food while I'm tackling such huge issues. On the other hand, it could be easier--don't have to think about it, just follow the rules. I think the best thing is to play this one by ear and be kind to myself.

[robotarmy]

I picked at dinner last night: maybe like 3oz salmon, some steamed zucchini, and a little bit of sweet potato. A little bit hungry for breakfast this morning, and had some leftover stewed beef with veggies.

Visiting my parents, who are being really supportive both of how I eat and also in my pursuit of mental health. I'm supremely thankful that I'm on vacation this week. I have a little bit of work to get home for on Saturday, but can relax for a few days and try to feel feelings again. In the meantime: I'm watching cooking shows on my folks' DVR and wearing down the battery on my iPhone.

[robotarmy]

Accomplishments today: successfully set up wireless network, netflix, and hulu+ for the folks. Watched Downton Abbey with mom

Food today: mostly grazing...stewed beef and veggies, small piece of salmon with small spinach salad, grapes, spinach salad, and a hamburger. I know grazing isn't exactly Whole30, but I just needed to take calories as I could. Finally some appetite back by evening.

Only cried twice today. I feel some of the sadness welling up as I lie here in bed, because I know I'll be alone with my thoughts soon. Been listening to podcasts at night to avoid any kind of silence. I can't stand silence right now. I can't stand being alone right now. I can't stand not talking to people right now. I feel 10x better than I did last week, but am still anxious and sad. I'm kind of scared about getting therapy, but it will help for sure.

Tomorrow I'm starting a pizza dough to make pizza for my parents on Thursday. They generally don't eat a lot of pizza anymore (mom eats almost paleo now, kinda!) but it will give me something to do. The dough will ferment for 24 hours, which is why I'll start it tomorrow but it won't be til Thursday that there is pizza. Will have to make something else for myself, but that's okay. I like making pizza and haven't done it in over two years.

Also, I reached out to a friend (who gives me a hard time about what I eat) about what's going on with me, explaining that part of the reason I like eating strict paleo is that it makes me feel better mentally. She answered back something about how a very restrictive diet is one way to feel in control when other things feel out of control. That hurt. Protip: if someone is reaching out to you about mental illness/mood disorders, SHUT UP AND LISTEN. Don't try to rationalize their behavior or solutions they want to try, just because you have theories about it: JUST LISTEN.

Anyway, I'm trying to reach out to my friends as I can, and am writing here to get my thoughts out of my head. I know I'm a bad friend right now, but it's because I'm in a bad place. I have to look out for me and only me right now.

2 days Whole30 down. Yay.

[robotarmy]

Slept better last night than I have in a while. Only woke up like 3 times. Wasn't terribly hungry but I knew I needed to eat this morning. So I made scrambled eggs with onions and some leftover hamburger from last night. With a little hot sauce on top. I finished it, so that will hold me for a while.

I'm physically tired, but am going to avoid taking a nap, so that I can sleep better tonight. Have some studies about depression/anxiety and diet printed out to read.

Looking forward to being creative and making some pizza today and tomorrow. Again, not for me, for the folks who don't eat much pizza at all anymore, but who are graciously accepting the dinner I'm offering to make.

More later.

[robotarmy]

Yesterday was rough. Sad all day. And tired. Lots of crying. I feel better now, but I'm learning that there's no way of telling what the day will bring. I ate well, though.

For dinner, my mom was so worried because she hadn't planned for what I could eat. She and my dad were having this really awesome-looking homemade soup that I'm not eating because it has ham and beans in it. It smells so great. But she realized that between the beans and the sugar in the ham, it doesn't fit what I'm eating right now, and she worried so much. I know she wants to be as helpful and supportive as possible right now, and I also know she must feel extremely helpless in so many ways, especially if she feels she can't provide a meal for me. Fortunately, there was a solution. I'm having salmon tonight (while I foist my pizza on my folks) and so I just cut a piece off the salmon and had it with some sautéed kale and almonds, and also a piece of baked yam.

This morning for breakfast I've had scrambled eggs with leftover kale and some of the yam from last night, sliced and fried to get warmed up and a little crusty.

I set a goal yesterday of taking care of work email, and I met that goal. My goal today is to get it together and call therapists. All I have to do is set an appointment. My phone is charging, so when it's done I will begin. Sigh. I just want to be not broken anymore.

[Renee Lee]

Psst...we're all broken. Some just hide it better than others.

[robotarmy]

High praise from my folks about the pizza. Excellent. It did turn out well, considering I haven't made a pizza in 2+ years. (Right after I started seriously working on pizza crust, I went paleo.) My salmon was good. The salad was good,

Went to a really cool little Italian grocery today. Got some good tomatoes and saw a beautiful man. Like, holy crap. Like, I want to go to there. Like, maybe I will stop there on my way home on Saturday. I mean, a girl needs to get some San Marzano tomatoes sometimes, right?

Anyway. It was an okay day. Went to lunch and then on a bunch of errands with dad, watched Downton Abbey and Sherlock with mom. Texted with a lot of friends. Didn't cry after the early morning. I'm not sure how I feel. I still don't feel anything, emotionally, but I feel more engaged with the world around me.

Food today: breakfast is listed above. Lunch: chicken, roasted turkey breast, green salad dressed with lemon and pepper. Dinner: salmon, green salad.

Time to sleep.

[robotarmy]

Oh, and: day 4 of whole30 #3 is finished!

[amberino21]

I'm with Renee - everyone is "broken" in some way. It's so good to read that you're taking the time to put yourself first. If you don't look after you, you can't be there for the people who need you.

In a way, I agree with your friend about having control over your food. But, I see it as a positive. The type of food you're eating will make you feel a whole lot better, but I also think knowing that you have control over parts of your life is important. It makes other things fall in to place. It also gives you the opportunity to succeed and meet goals....with no plans, we'd just bumble along and never really accomplish anything!

[robotarmy]

Thanks, amberino21. I've been putting everything and everyone before me for a long time. Including my career, what my family wants for me, what others expect of me, etc. And my career is the sort that involves a lot of collaboration and a lot of thinking of others first. There's also a history of depression and anxiety in my family, so I feel I have a good handle on the source, just need help dealing with it.

As for my friend, I should clarify: she HATES any kind of paleo/primal/whole30 eating. She thinks it's all just a low-carb fad like Atkins. She literally does not want to understand any of the health benefits, physical or mental. At the same time, I think it was really crappy of her to try to just rationalize my reasoning when I just needed support.

But I have my first therapy appointment set and I really hope it helps.

[robotarmy]

Oh and, today's food:

Breakfast: not hungry

Lunch: wings, and a carrot or two

Mid-afternoon: berries and almonds in coconut milk

Dinner: steak, yam, and salad (the steak was...divine)

Chillin with the neighbor's dog, who is under the care of my parents for a few days. He's so great. I need a dog. No time for one, though.

[robotarmy]

Been offline for a couple days. It's been nice. Tired, going for a nap. In the midst of all this stuff that's been going on, I forgot that yesterday was my friend's birthday and we had dinner plans. I'd been looking forward to going to this restaurant for a long time, but there was only like one Whole30 compliant thing on the menu. Instead of ordering the steamed fish with veggies, I ordered the short ribs, which came with mashed potatoes and a red wine reduction. So my meal wasn't compliant. It's okay, I'm not kicking myself. I'll add 3 days to the end of my Whole 30 to make it 30 clean days in a row. 

[robotarmy]

I've been thinking about a lot of stuff today. I wonder daily if a Whole30 is right for me right now. I'm going to keep plugging away at it, but if I don't get to 30 days this time, it's okay. I have to remember that I'm putting myself first, and, while eating clean is the best thing for me right now, if I choose to eat something off-plan it's okay. It's all okay. I made it X number of days successfully.

 

There are some details that I'm leaving out here, that I won't discuss in this log...sorry to be so vague about stuff! Suffice it to say: I think that it's more important to get things sorted out properly in my life right now than it is to finish a Whole30. So I'm going to do my best here, but my main goal is to do my best in life first.

[amberino21]

I was thinking the other day, when you mentioned enjoying a meal out with friends that wasn't compliant that just living by the template as much as possible but not being bound by the rules may be a great way for you to be considering it sounds like you're going through an awful lot. At least you have structure most of the time but no feeling of stress or worry about not sticking to it. It sounds like you really need to enjoy every moment possible

[robotarmy]

Thanks, amberino21. Yeah, I think I'm going to follow as best I can right now and just try to live life.

[robotarmy]

Breakfast: skipped, not feeling it. But got a big iced green tea from Starbucks, because I'm trying to consume things that naturally elevate mood. Last week I started drinking green tea and this week I'm going to add salmon and am thinking about St. John's wort. I was initially hesitant to try the SJW because I wasn't sure what kind of therapist I was going to see. That is to say, I wasn't sure if I would be seeing someone who would want to put me on meds. And I have read that SJW can inhibit prescription medications. But for now I won't be seeing someone who will medicate me, and if they end up referring me to an MD to get a prescription then so be it.

 

Anyway.

 

Lunch: salad, out with colleagues at a nearby Mexican place. Only after ordering did I discover that there was rice and black beans under the salad. They weren't in the picture or the description! Weird. I know I must have accidentally eaten a bit of those things, but whatever. Lunch out was really nice--reconnected with a friend (who now works with me) that I haven't seen in a long time, as well as a new co-worker.

 

Dinner: chicken wings and iced mint tea.

 

Got a bunch of work done today, gave myself a facial, talked with friends, and relaxed. Tomorrow is going to be a great day. More work, getting organized, lots of planning, then dinner out with a friend at a local paleo-friendly restaurant. Alright, I'm getting into jammies and getting myself ready for bed.

[robotarmy]

Alright, I'm officially suspending this Whole30 for a few days. I'm not going to go eat a bunch of pizza or tacos or anything, I just need to free myself from the worries of "WHAT AM I EATING" for a few. In the next few days, I'd like to:

 

Finish the great fridge project (it's mostly done, just one more go-through with bleach)

 

Sort clothes and make a Goodwill donation.

 

Get a tea/vitamin regimen in the works.

 

Those are my 3 goals for the next few days. These things will help me get some balance going in my life so that I can approach a Whole30 with less stress and a better mindset. Re-start Monday, with these things accomplished.

[robotarmy]

Okay I'm back. I've been relaxing and spending time with friends. Today I'm going to spend cooking and prepping meals for the week. I'm going to make broth. Going to get soup bones at Whole Foods. Then time to pick up my CSA share. I deleted the email that listed what we're getting this week, so it will be a surprise!

 

I'm going to move ahead with this Whole30 starting again today. My goal is to make it to the end of August, as I originally intended, and then if I feel up to completing 30 days I will keep going. Not going to think of it like forcing myself to do this 30 day thing OR ELSE. Going to treat it more like...Whole1-day-at-a-time. Whole1-decision-at-a-time. Whole1-moment-at-a-time.

[robotarmy]

Food today: salad from Whole Foods that was a DISASTER. I dressed it with what I thought was vinegar, but was actually soy sauce. I took the salad home from the store, so I didn't discover it until it was too late Ugh. It was so gross.

 

Late lunch/dinner: 3 chicken thighs, sauteed kale. The kale did not turn out great. Did it in the same pan as the chicken, but the spice blend didn't go with it at all. Guess it's just not my day for food. I do have a peach to bake for later. I don't normally do a dessert, but I love peaches, and I love baked peaches. Smells like peach pie.

 

3rd meal: some of the beef shank meat from the broth, baked peach with whipped coconut cream. Dusted with cinnamon. Just perfect. Tastes like summer.

 

I'm making broth for the week. I have a big pot simmering on the stove, with grass-fed beef shanks and lamb neck bones in it, along with garlic, onion, bay leaves, salt, and peppercorns.

 

My first therapy session is next week. I'm functioning better than I was a few weeks ago, but still want to get the pro help. Also, I started doing the whole St. John's wort thing today, and we'll see how it works. Drinking herbal tea all day, no caffeine at all. It's a good thing, because I have to hit the hay early tonight.

 

My goal is to get through the rest of this day. I'm going to pamper myself: facial, skin care, nail care, all that good stuff. Hopefully chat with friends on Twitter too.

[robotarmy]

It's a really big day at work for me. My anxiety level is higher than normal. I know it will be fine, but I'm anxious about it anyway. Warming up some broth for breakfast, and then I have just a short amount of time to figure out what I'm taking for lunch....

My anxiety dream last night was (oddly) not about work, but about CrossFit. I've had 3 weeks off of it while I've been dealing with all this stuff, but I'm headed back today. I need to fill my time with positive things, and exercise is very positive for me.

Ugh, gotta go, but will add more here at the end of the day.

Okay, more: work was good, not perfect, but good. Ended up forgetting to bring lunch because of trying to remember everything this morning :/ oh well. Home now and just had some steak and broth. I have about an hour before leaving for the gym. Not doing any work for the next hour, just going to watch Indiana Jones.

[Nadia B]

Good luck with work stuff. I am sure everything will go well. Glad that you are doing better and getting some help. 

 

I grilled some peaches (gorgeous gorgeous local peaches) at my parents this weekend. They've never tried them other than eating the whole thing raw, can you imagine? I brushed with ghee and sprinkled with cinnamon. They were fighting over the last piece. So funny  

[robotarmy]

I. Love. Peaches. Raw, grilled, baked--whatever. And cinnamon! So good! Funny how the simplest things taste so amazing. Yay for in-season foods!