Former recovered bulimic

[HaveFaith]

I started this program in August 2012 as a way to make better, healthier food choices. I gave up things I never thought possible. But as the months went on, sticking to the program became harder and felt more restrictive than ever. As a recovered bulimic, I should have known there could potentially be some problems. But I was confident I was fully recovered (7 years strong, after suffering with it for 13 years). I realized this weekend, I was not. I found myself throwing up after a binge...and the ultimate feeling of failure and devastation, when I found out my 4 year old daughter had witnessed me throwing up. I am not blaming this program or anyone for this. It is purely my fault. I was naive to think that something like this would not eventually happen. But it did. And I feel awful, down with self-loathing, for not only the act of making myself throw up, but because my daughter cried, seeing me throw up. I feel like the worst mother. I can not do this to myself and I cannot do this to my daughter. I want to be a good example for her. And going down this path is not what I had envisioned. Has anyone out there, have a history of being recovered from an eating disorder, only to fall into the same trap as before? And what are you doing about it as a result? Have you dropped the program or continued, with success?

[missmary]

First, I'm sorry you are going through this. You are not a bad mother or a bad person, and you are correct: The whole30 isn't the right program for everyone, and the restrictions on the program can be triggering for some with a history of eating disorders. I know Melissa has done some writing about this, so look around the whole9 site..I'm sorry I can't offer similar experiences or solutions. Take care of yourself and your daughter, and know that backing off the whole30 might be the right answer for now.

[Xandra]

I have not struggled with bulimia and I'm sorry to hear that you had a relapse after so many years of success. I think most of us have struggled to some extent with our relationship with food, whether it is fighting physical cravings or simply breaking old habits. But the difference for me compared to what you describe is that the longer I stay with the program, the freer I feel, not only free from eating unhealthy food but freedom to explore all these "new" foods I had ignored for too long (e.g., making mayo, brewing kambucha, finding farmers who will sell organic, grass-fed beef directly).

After your cravings recede, this should be a fun adventure, but if you are feeling more and more suffocated by it, then something is not working that goes beyond the Whole30 list of foods. You need to get back to a place of balance, where you don't feel restricted to the point of crashing. You were able to do that for 7 years, and you can do it again, but it sounds like you may need to back off the program until you have this one figured out.

I wish you peace.

[yescrystal]

My story is a little different than yours, in that I recovered from anorexia 9 years ago only to turn to periodic purging, without binging. I decided to start seeing a therapist when it started getting really bad (almost every day, sometimes more than once) because I realized I only felt worse about myself after making myself throw up because I felt i ate something I shouldn't have. That was the BEST thing I could have done for myself, and I HIGHLY recommend seeing someone about this. She helped me change my perspective, and she helped me to figure out why I was doing what I was doing. She also helped me to accept my body and manage my stress through meditation and yoga.

Fast-forward to this past couple of months, and the whole30....and yes, I have fallen back into destructive behaviors. I decided to stop focusing on what I should and shouldn't eat; to stop focusing on rules and to take care of myself. I'm a bit of a perfectionist and I HATE feeling like I failed, so the second I would eat something "off plan," I would start to hate myself for it, and then cue the purging.

Since I have started focusing on taking care of myself instead of just eating a certain way (although I do try to nourish my body with good, whole foods, I just don't freak out if I eat a cookie), I already feel SO much better. Maybe you just need to focus on taking care of yourself, and knowing that it is OKAY if you don't follow the plan exactly. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health.

Again, I highly recommend talking to a therapist. I put it off for years because I felt that I didn't need to, that purging a few times a month was fine. I was recovered, and seeing a therapist meant there was something wrong with me. However, talking to someone takes a lot of strength, and I truly believe that it is something you should at least consider.

[jennrider]

Sometimes the motivation to change comes from something outside of ourselves. I led a pretty crazy life when I was in my 20s. Partied all the time. I worked in a bar. Not the best place to work when one drink always turns into too many. Having my son changed my life. It made me want to put my best self forward. Eventually, you will want to make changes for yourself. There is a stigma associated with talking to a professional. What a bunch of crap. It takes strength and courage to seek help. Instead of beating yourself up, find it in yourself to take the steps necessary to heal. Bulemia is a disease. Like any disease, it can rear it's ugly head at any time if left untreated. I would imagine that your daughter was upset because she thought you were sick. She probably doesn't fully grasp the reasons you were throwing up. My kids always freaked out when I would run to the bathroom with morning sickness. Our children think of us as super moms, especially at that age. Take some time to figure out why you felt so restricted. What did you miss and why? How were you able to avoid the need to purge in the past? Are there any circumstances or underlying issues that are reappearing after all this time? I have learned (the hard way) that issues don't just go away. They have to be faced if you want to find any peace. The bottom line is this: You have to be healthy mentally and physically to be the best you that you can be. Do what it takes to get there. You deserve it and your daughter deserves it.

[HaveFaith]

I appreciate each and EVERY one of your thoughtful responses! I came across this on the 9blog:

http://whole9life.com/2012/02/whole30-gone-bad/

Looks like it has been addressed previously and it is speaking directly to me. I will take a step back, try to evaluate what has triggered my relapse and look toward reestablishing the equilibirium I was able to achieve the last 7 years. Many thanks to all of you for taking the time to read and respond with care and insight. *HUGS* to all of you.

[melbournegirl]

Wishing you lots of luck! I had a mini binge on day 22? I felt guilty and frustrated and sad that I still hadn't learnt how to stop eating when I was no longer hungry. BUT! I stayed compliant in my food choices. And where previously I would have taken action, this time I could tell myself that all the extra food I ate was good for my body not bad for it.. And a bit too much food was not really a big deal because all the other days I had been losing weight while eating what I needed. So I kept going! I was scared that everything was going to unravel.

But it didn't!

I might need to do a few whole30s to banish my demons, I am not confident that I will manage reintroductions well... But I am going to give it a shot and learn my way through. I am feeling cautiously hopeful for the first time in years that there IS a solution.

I hope you can find one too!

[SCrames]

I woke up this morning feeling a similar guilt. Although I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder (and have sought only limited help a few years ago) I have many food issues. The past few years, I have been semi-bulimic. Every month or so, I have a big binge (due to limiting what I allow myself to eat, and when having a cheat meal turns into many cheat meals all at once) and a big purge. It's bad. Some months I have a few, but most months none at all. Last night it happened. I had a great day of listening to my hunger, didn't even have a snack in the afternoon. Had a lousy workout due to a lack of energy, and it made me so angry. I hated myself because I coudln't workout harder. I moved on, had my post-workout chicken boobie and squash, then an hour or so later had a big plate of coconut fried shrimp and roasted veggies. Then a couple cashews because I craved it. Not because I was hungry, but because I craved it. Then I ate a bunch more. And couldn't stop. I ate a lot. Then it turned to my almond butter/coconut butter which I wasn't even craving. Then I purged. I know I should get help, just don't think I can afford it/don't think my insurance will cover it. I realize that maybe having a few nuts as a snack in the day will get rid of the cravings later in the day...

[craving4more]

Letting go of habits that comfort us - whether healthy or unhealthy - is difficult. Disordered eating habits that have been everything we know for much of our lives are even more difficult to abandon. In fact, without them, we may feel abandoned. Let's give ourselves credit for the positive steps and decisions we do make.

This is not just about the Whole30. This is the Whole9Life. More than 30 days - we have our lives to live.

I recently posted this on my own blog www.craving4more.com. If you're brave enough to challenge your vulnerability and open yourself to something new, which I know you are - that is why you are here - nourish yourself with this:

Letting Go – and Letting In…

Rather than call my self a procrastinator, I've determined that I have an inborn (or perhaps learned) response to hold on ever so tightly to the familiar things in my life. No matter how uncomfortable or damaging those things may be – habit and lifestyle speaking – for some reason, my entire enterprise seems to be determined to just hold on. The discomfort and distress caused by my habits and patterns are what I know best and continually engaging in them keeps me inside my dark and tiny little box, which is secure. This is a fascinating concept to me. It's cold and it's dark in here. I can see the light outside, the bright sun and liberty that surrounds my box. It looks amazing and wonderful. There are times when my weary legs gain strength and begin to propel me forward. Ever so slightly I begin to crawl into the colorful greenery outside, reaching for the radiant blue sky and the filtered Light of Freedom, yet I find my fingertips wrapped so very tightly around the withering edges of my cozy, dark “home,†clinging to the rough edges, that I simply cannot let go. I look back into the unlit and murky box. It's so murky and stale in there. Painfully small and restricted, lonely. But it's mine. I know every single corner, every bump in the base and sideboards. I know exactly which position hurts most and what the outcome of each and every moment inside will be. I turn my head again to the world outside. Fresh air, color and Light in the distance. My heart races. I'm almost there. BUT, as appealing as the new seems to be, it's just that. It's new. Unknown, unexplored, vast, boundless, and unfamiliar. I see the Light. I know it's there. I choose to crawl back inside the box, clutching tightly the well worn sides of my “home,†making the decision not to let go today.

The tempting familiarity of my box wins once again. It's cold and dark, but it'smy cold and dark, and I know it well. That's what matters. Does it really? I think again. I won't give up. I'm going to let the Light IN. I cannot make it out today, but I'm going to let that Light IN. Rather than let that darkness that surrounds me engulf and swallow me as well, I will lift my hands in praise, receiving all that is offered to me. The Freedom that exists is a gift. It is there. I may not be capable of running towards it just yet, but it WILL fill me and it WILL change me. With arms open wide, I close my eyes. I see that Light rush inside, vanquishing the emptiness inside. Blessings and praises. I'm so very full of Light there is no longer room for anything else at all. I am beaming and radiant with The Light.

Not all of us are able to let go quite yet. Open your arms. Open your heart. Let the light inside.

[melbournegirl]

Scrames I don't think there is a simple answer but the whole30 offers an approach to change both cravings and habits... Let's hope we can learn with it